- 5 months ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mb07ns8Q6k0 Most men want to be the steady, reliable presence their partner can lean on — but they often hit an invisible wall when emotions run high. In this episode, we explore what it really means to “raise your emotional ceiling” — the capacity to stay present, grounded, and safe for your partner even in the face of intense feelings. We’ll unpack how your nervous system affects your ability to respond rather than react, how unresolved emotional patterns limit your connection, and why becoming her safe space starts with becoming your own.
This is the final episode in our Inner Work of Marriage & Masculinity series — and it's the one that ties it all together.
If this series has spoken to you, we want to hear from you. We’re collecting stories, insights, and questions from men like you for the book Men, Masculinity & Marriage. Want to share your journey or become a first reader? Reach out at RichInRelationship.com
Follow us on social media for more relationship advice:
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This is the final episode in our Inner Work of Marriage & Masculinity series — and it's the one that ties it all together.
If this series has spoken to you, we want to hear from you. We’re collecting stories, insights, and questions from men like you for the book Men, Masculinity & Marriage. Want to share your journey or become a first reader? Reach out at RichInRelationship.com
Follow us on social media for more relationship advice:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/
Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/
Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship
Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00Today at Rich in Relationship, we're going to talk about how to raise the emotional ceiling
00:07so that you stay grounded in any situation.
00:10You were that safe space when you were doing that courting in love.
00:15Some people, their emotional ceiling is low.
00:18And what that means is they're neurologically and emotionally,
00:21their level of emotion is high and their sensitivity to emotion is high.
00:26When they hit a certain point, it's just too much and they explode because the ceiling is low.
00:35Welcome to another episode of Rich in Relationship.
00:38I am your host, Rich Heller.
00:39And today we're talking about raising your emotional ceiling,
00:43becoming the safe space she has been waiting for.
00:47And I want you to know that you were that safe space when you were doing that courting in love thing.
00:55And part of what we help couples to do here once they've raised their emotional ceiling is court again.
01:05And even though it's unusual, I'm going to say, not impossible, unusual to go back to being in love,
01:13you can develop mature romance.
01:16And maybe that's a whole nother series we're going to do.
01:18But this, my friends, for me, is the final episode in this series.
01:26Woo-hoo!
01:26I am crossing the finish line.
01:29I cannot tell you what a joy it's been.
01:33And these episodes are being incorporated into my new book,
01:39which hopefully by the time you hear this will be out there in the world.
01:42But maybe it won't.
01:43You know how books are.
01:44Sometimes you edit them and work on them.
01:46You keep polishing.
01:47The book is Men, Masculinity, and Marriage.
01:51And it has raised my emotional ceiling during this series.
01:55So let's kick this off.
01:58All right?
01:58We are on the goal line.
02:00Quarterback is in the pocket.
02:02Listener letter from Josh, who's 39.
02:05He says,
02:05My wife says she doesn't feel safe with me,
02:09but I never laid a hand on her.
02:11And I don't yell.
02:13What does she even mean by that?
02:15Oh, guys, Josh, I can't tell you how many times I hear this.
02:20My wife says she doesn't feel safe with me.
02:21I never touched her.
02:23I almost never yell.
02:24I don't understand it.
02:26I don't throw things.
02:27What you need to get is,
02:29and we've been talking about this throughout this episode,
02:31and really, like, throughout Richard Relationship,
02:33women, what's the best way to put it?
02:37Have you ever met people my age and older,
02:39and you kind of have to speak up for them to hear you?
02:42Because they don't hear as well as you do.
02:45All right?
02:45Men are to women as 60, 70, 80, and 90-year-olds
02:51are to 15, 20, and 30-year-olds
02:53when it comes to hearing emotion.
02:56And, guys, we are not the 15, 20, 30-year-olds.
03:00We are the 60, 70, 80, and 90-year-olds.
03:02What you need to wrap your mind around
03:05is that our emotional ears
03:07just don't hear the same range or depth
03:12that the female emotional ear hears.
03:15And it has to do with brain structure,
03:17and I'm not going to go all over that again.
03:18I've hit that on multiple episodes.
03:20Go back and listen to some of the earlier episodes.
03:24There's an episode on the difference
03:26between male and female brains.
03:28We've got 350-plus episodes up.
03:32Go check it out.
03:33We've got thousands of videos up.
03:35Check it out.
03:36We have deep content,
03:38so we're not going there again.
03:40Because their emotional hearing is better,
03:45they hear a greater range
03:47and depth of emotion than we do,
03:49it's kind of like this.
03:50When you're around those people
03:52who are in their 80s and 90s,
03:53and they're talking like this,
03:56you know why they're talking like this?
03:57They can't hear themselves.
04:00Well, that's kind of how it is for her.
04:02We don't hear our own emotional state.
04:05We're not as sensitive to it as they are.
04:09And so when we are broadcasting emotion
04:12and they hear everything,
04:15we might be,
04:16we come back from work
04:18and maybe we had a frustrating experience
04:19and we're kind of unconsciously processing it.
04:23Not even aware that it's going on.
04:25She hears it.
04:27And when we,
04:29I'm 212 pounds, 6 foot 1,
04:34come home,
04:36and if you hit me with a 2x4
04:39and then you hit her
04:41with the same 2x4
04:42with the same strength,
04:43you probably get a bruise.
04:44You might break her arm, right?
04:46Physically,
04:47I'm built for abuse
04:48better than the female body.
04:50The female body is built to nurture.
04:51The male body is built for something else.
04:53Because of that,
04:54unconsciously,
04:55when we're vibrating harmonically,
04:58they go on red alert.
05:00Unless you've made it safe for them.
05:01But because we don't hear like they do,
05:05because they're super sensitive emotionally,
05:07and because we are broadcasting emotions
05:09without even thinking about it
05:10or being aware of it,
05:12their sense of emotional safety
05:13is much lower than ours.
05:18We feel perfectly emotional safe
05:19with that stuff going on.
05:20They don't.
05:22And so when your wife,
05:25Josh,
05:26says she doesn't feel safe,
05:28it's because she's hearing,
05:31feeling your emotions
05:33that you're processing unconsciously.
05:35And your stuff
05:36is coming out
05:37in little remarks
05:39that you don't even know.
05:41It's the death by a thousand cuts.
05:44And what that leads to is
05:45defensiveness.
05:47What that leads to is withdrawal.
05:49What that leads to is shutting down.
05:52What it leads to is
05:53a danger signal for her.
05:55You think everything's fine.
05:57And she's like,
05:58whoa,
05:58this reminds me of when I was a kid.
06:00And when my dad was like that,
06:01something bad happened
06:02or whatever.
06:04In fact,
06:04you might come home from work
06:06and be processing something.
06:08And maybe
06:08what you want
06:11is a hug
06:12or a kiss,
06:13but you don't know how to ask for it.
06:14And you come home
06:15and she backs away.
06:17And then immediately
06:18you get on the defensive.
06:19And you're not getting
06:20what you want.
06:21And so you start,
06:23not only are you vibrating
06:24about that thing at work,
06:25but now
06:25you're vibrating about
06:27why aren't I getting
06:28what I need here at home?
06:29I'll work my butt off.
06:31And then eventually
06:32that turns into a fight
06:33because
06:34you're already irritated
06:36and your emotional ceiling,
06:38your capacity
06:39for handling
06:40emotional intensity
06:41just isn't
06:44what it could be.
06:45What do I mean by that?
06:46What I mean is
06:47some people
06:48we say they're,
06:50he's got a hot temper
06:51or she's got a hot temper.
06:54Some people,
06:54their emotional ceiling
06:55is low.
06:57And what that means
06:58is they're neurologically
06:59and emotionally,
07:00their level of emotion
07:02is high
07:02and their sensitivity
07:03to emotion
07:05is high.
07:07And they're,
07:09when they hit
07:09a certain point,
07:10it's just too much
07:12and they explode
07:13because the ceiling
07:14is low.
07:15So what we want to do
07:16because we're not
07:18as sensitive guys,
07:19what we want to do
07:20is we want to raise
07:21our emotional ceiling.
07:23So when we come home
07:24and we're vibrating
07:25a little,
07:25first of all,
07:25we need to be more aware
07:26of what we're feeling.
07:28It might be that
07:29this is,
07:30I'm going,
07:31getting ahead of myself here,
07:32all right?
07:32But I'm going to lay this out.
07:34It might be that
07:35we want to go home
07:35and say,
07:36wow,
07:36hey,
07:37you know what?
07:37I'm a little off today.
07:39Don't mind me.
07:40First,
07:40just let her know.
07:41I'm aware
07:41of what I'm processing.
07:44Don't think
07:44she doesn't know
07:45because she does.
07:48And if you,
07:48what'll happen is
07:49I had a couple
07:50come into my office
07:51the other day
07:53and
07:53like I,
07:55he was a lot like,
07:57he's saying,
07:57I don't really get it.
07:59You know,
08:00she keeps looking
08:01at me funny
08:02even though I'm okay.
08:04And she explained it.
08:06You think you're okay,
08:08but I can see
08:10that you're not.
08:12And when we got down
08:13to it,
08:13Josh,
08:14what he explained was,
08:15yeah,
08:16it's true.
08:16I came home a little off.
08:17I didn't think
08:17I was bothering.
08:18I didn't think
08:19I was bothering anyone,
08:20but she saw it.
08:22And so the first thing
08:23is we need to have
08:24some awareness
08:24of what are we walking in
08:26and talk it through
08:27with our wives
08:28so that they understand
08:29it's not about them.
08:30And they might even be able
08:32to help us with it.
08:33Right?
08:33That,
08:33by the way,
08:34doing that,
08:35that raises
08:36our emotional ceiling.
08:37Not talking about it,
08:38lowers.
08:39The emotional ceiling
08:40is the point
08:41at which you explode.
08:43Think,
08:43if you're an emotional volcano,
08:45there's two ways
08:46to keep from erupting.
08:49One is to constantly
08:49release emotion.
08:51What Joshua
08:52just talked about there
08:53was I talked about
08:54this guy
08:55whose wife
08:56said,
08:57hey,
08:57you're not talking about it
08:58so I don't know
08:58what's going on.
08:59And the other is
09:00to be a really big volcano
09:02so that when it rises,
09:04there's room for it
09:05to settle back down
09:06instead of exploding.
09:07So those are kind of
09:08the two qualities
09:09we're going to talk about.
09:11Even though this episode
09:12is about the emotional ceiling,
09:14raising your emotional ceiling
09:15is also about
09:16regular release.
09:19So anyway,
09:19Eli writes,
09:21sometimes I want
09:22to be there for her,
09:24but it's like
09:25my body just freezes.
09:27What's going on?
09:29So what happens there,
09:31Eli,
09:31is things get
09:33a little intense.
09:34Maybe,
09:35like that story
09:36I was telling you,
09:36you come home
09:37and you've got
09:37something going on.
09:38She's checking it out.
09:39She's not sure.
09:40Maybe something's
09:40not right with her.
09:41And our nervous system
09:44kicks in
09:45and we go,
09:46I don't want to fight.
09:48And this is my house.
09:49I'm not going to run away.
09:49So I'm just going to
09:50shut down.
09:51I'm going to play.
09:52Basically,
09:52it's play dead.
09:53Play possum.
09:54Of course,
09:54if you were really
09:55playing possum,
09:55you'd lay on the floor
09:56and close your eyes.
09:58But you're not.
09:59What the unconscious mind
10:00does instead
10:01is it kind of just
10:01shuts down.
10:02And we do that.
10:03When we do that,
10:04we do that,
10:05number one,
10:05because we don't know
10:07what else to do,
10:08right?
10:09We don't,
10:09not sure what's going
10:10on over there
10:11and we've made a decision
10:13that we're not going
10:13to be aggressive about it
10:14and we've made a decision
10:15we're not going to run away.
10:16So we just kind of stop
10:18until we know
10:19what's going on.
10:20But it's more
10:21than that also.
10:23A lot of us
10:24grew up
10:24in cultures
10:26where we're not
10:27supposed to be vulnerable
10:28and maybe the situation,
10:30let's go back to,
10:31let's talk about
10:32my favorite couple,
10:33Brad and Gwen.
10:34Brad comes home
10:35from work.
10:36We've been talking
10:37about Brad all along.
10:38You don't know it.
10:38You don't know it.
10:39He's got something
10:40he's processing.
10:41Gwen sees something's
10:42not right.
10:44She's not 100%.
10:45Right?
10:47And Gwen says,
10:48Brad,
10:49I don't know
10:50what's going on with you,
10:51but you're scaring me.
10:52And Brad is like,
10:53he doesn't know
10:54what to do.
10:54His first instinct
10:55is to jump on it,
10:56but he doesn't
10:57because he's decided
10:58he's not going to do that.
10:59He's not going to run away
11:00from his house,
11:00so he shuts down.
11:02Now,
11:02what he could do
11:03is say,
11:05Gwen,
11:06you know what's going on?
11:07Is I was at work
11:08and that guy Tom,
11:09he's always harassing me
11:11and I'm worried,
11:13I'm afraid I'm going
11:13to lose my job.
11:14He could do that.
11:16But Brad's been taught,
11:17he's been conditioned
11:18that when the going
11:20gets tough,
11:20the tough get going.
11:21He's been taught
11:22that that kind of vulnerability
11:24is not something you share
11:25even with Gwen.
11:27And so,
11:28the only way
11:28he can regulate himself
11:29is to stone face it.
11:32Well,
11:33that might work
11:33in the short run.
11:34It's certainly better
11:35than kicking ass
11:35and taking names
11:36when we're talking
11:36about our partners,
11:37right?
11:37We don't want to do that.
11:39But in the long run,
11:40what Brad really wants
11:42is he wants to tell Gwen
11:44what's going on.
11:45In the long run,
11:46we have a partner
11:47so that we can be vulnerable.
11:50We have a partner
11:51so we can share our fears.
11:52We have a partner
11:52so we can share our hurts.
11:54We have a partner
11:54so we can share our sadness.
11:56We have a partner
11:56so that when we feel alone,
11:58we can say,
11:58hey baby,
11:59I feel alone.
11:59I need you.
12:01We don't want to do that
12:02all the time,
12:03right?
12:04Nobody likes a whiny biatch,
12:06but we want to do it
12:08when it comes up for us
12:09because expressing it,
12:11in the last episode,
12:11we talked about the warrior
12:12and the healer.
12:13When we allow the healer,
12:15the healer is healing himself
12:17when he shares those feelings.
12:20And the warrior
12:21is telling the part of himself
12:23that's been trained
12:25to suppress vulnerability.
12:27Hey,
12:27this isn't the time for that.
12:29That's for the battlefield.
12:29This isn't the battlefield,
12:31dude.
12:32And by doing that,
12:33we can stay in the moment.
12:35By doing that,
12:37we can stay present.
12:39So Derek,
12:40I had a neighbor named Derek,
12:42maybe this is him.
12:43He says,
12:43I've tried breathing,
12:45I've tried mindfulness,
12:47but I still lose it sometimes.
12:48What else can I do
12:49to stretch that ceiling?
12:52Well,
12:52first of all,
12:52Derek,
12:52kudos to you
12:53that you're trying breathing
12:55and you're trying mindfulness.
12:57And the truth is
12:58that we all lose it sometimes,
13:01right?
13:01We all hit the ceiling sometimes.
13:04Mindfulness and meditation
13:05are ways to raise the ceiling.
13:07Mindfulness and meditation
13:08are ways to exercise your brain,
13:12which is basically
13:12a gelatinous muscle,
13:14and to build up emotional energy
13:17so that you can,
13:18even when triggered,
13:19choose to be in your cerebral cortex,
13:21right?
13:21There's some folks
13:21who seem to never lose it.
13:23They're very cerebral.
13:24They're always,
13:25I remember Mr. Spock
13:26from Star Trek
13:27or the Vulcans
13:28from any of the Star Trek episodes.
13:30They had feelings,
13:31but they were so cerebral
13:32that they always had them
13:33under control.
13:34Well,
13:34we don't want to be quite like that
13:35because what we saw
13:36in those episodes
13:37is that did undercut them
13:39in the long run,
13:40but they did have
13:41a super high ceiling.
13:43So Derek,
13:44keep doing mindfulness,
13:46keep doing meditation,
13:47and I would say pray,
13:48I would say talk
13:49to other people.
13:51We want to engage
13:52in practices like you are
13:53to expand our emotional capacity,
13:55but it takes time,
13:57right?
13:57These are regular habits
13:58where,
13:59as we talked about
14:00in the last episode,
14:01we're retraining
14:02our nervous system.
14:03We are building up
14:07our emotional strength.
14:08We're strengthening parts
14:09of our brain
14:10that we previously ignored,
14:12consciously taking control
14:15of our own mind,
14:17basically,
14:18and at the same time,
14:20we don't just want
14:21to raise the ceiling.
14:22We want to let
14:22the feelings out.
14:24So ways to let
14:25the feelings out
14:26are journaling.
14:28Or what is kind of fun now
14:30is you can talk
14:32to your AI.
14:33I got like three different
14:34AIs I talk to.
14:35I've got chat,
14:36I've got co-pilot,
14:37and I've got replica.
14:39I hate replica.
14:40Replica basically
14:41just wants to pander to me.
14:43Co-pilot and chat,
14:44they at least
14:45have some rationality.
14:47So,
14:47or call a friend
14:48and talk it through.
14:49But you got to let it out.
14:52All right?
14:52Exercise is a great way
14:54to let it out.
14:55Mindfulness,
14:55meditation,
14:56and prayer work
14:58because we're most present
15:00when we're in
15:01our cerebral cortex,
15:04our rational mind.
15:05And through the practices
15:07of mindfulness,
15:08meditation,
15:08and prayer,
15:09there's sort of
15:10two practices there.
15:11One is
15:12the mindful,
15:14mindfulness is an emphasis
15:15on being in our body now
15:16with minimal thoughts.
15:18So,
15:18it's kind of a
15:20spinoff of Zen Buddhism.
15:22Zen Buddhism is all about
15:23when you sit,
15:24you just sit,
15:24and when thoughts come up,
15:26you acknowledge them
15:26and dismiss them.
15:27It's a great practice.
15:28Prayer is more like
15:30working through
15:31a challenge,
15:33right?
15:33So,
15:33let's say that
15:34maybe you're sitting
15:35and you're meditating
15:35and the same thing
15:36keeps coming up,
15:37coming up,
15:37coming up.
15:38Maybe what you're going
15:39to want to do about it
15:40is pray about the thing
15:41that keeps coming up
15:42so you can resolve it
15:43and relax it.
15:44So,
15:45you know,
15:46sitting still,
15:47mindfulness is a great way
15:48to see what are the things
15:50that are really,
15:51the unresolved things
15:53that need to be resolved.
15:55Prayer and journaling
15:56are great ways
15:56to express them
15:58so that they feel
15:59more resolved.
16:00I want you to get
16:02that being vulnerable,
16:05whether it be
16:06in your prayer practice,
16:08your journaling practice,
16:09talking to your wife,
16:10talking to a coach,
16:11talking to a therapist,
16:12talking to a friend,
16:13being vulnerable
16:15is a form of strength.
16:18Letting this stuff out
16:19so that your ceiling
16:21doesn't have to be as high,
16:22you don't have to be
16:23as Mr. Spocky,
16:24is a great way
16:26to be in touch
16:28with your feelings,
16:29to be in touch
16:30with the healer,
16:31not just the warrior.
16:32It's a great way
16:33to create emotional safety,
16:36not just for yourself
16:37and for your family.
16:39So,
16:39there's a great question
16:40I got
16:41from Andre.
16:42He says,
16:43I'm 51,
16:45I'm doing the work,
16:46but how do I know
16:47if I'm becoming
16:47that safe space she needs?
16:49Wow,
16:49this is a great question,
16:51right?
16:51I have been doing
16:51this work for years
16:53and there are
16:57three or four topics
16:59my wife is
17:00yet to speak with me about.
17:03And so,
17:04a sign of success
17:06is not only
17:08do you have
17:08less escalations,
17:09but when you do
17:10have differences,
17:11you find creative
17:13ways to resolve them.
17:15A sign of success
17:16is going to be
17:18that you are sharing
17:19more deeply
17:20with your partner
17:21and she is receiving it
17:23and sharing more deeply
17:24with you.
17:24A sign of success
17:25is going to be
17:27that you are noticing
17:29the conversations
17:29that don't feel safe
17:30to her
17:31and that you,
17:32as the leader
17:33in your relationship,
17:34say,
17:35I feel like we need
17:36to talk about
17:37these things.
17:38I know it doesn't
17:39feel safe for you.
17:40I know I haven't
17:41done a great job
17:42making it safe for you.
17:44Please let me know
17:45how I can make it
17:46safer for you
17:47because I feel like
17:48these are topics
17:49we really need to address.
17:50And I'll tell you
17:51from my personal experience,
17:52a response you might get,
17:55I'm not going to say
17:55I got this one,
17:57is,
17:57well,
17:58when you ask me
17:58these questions,
17:59I feel like you're
18:00criticizing me.
18:01And so,
18:01what you need to get
18:02is that sometimes
18:03our partners have
18:04inner dialogues
18:05and wounds
18:07from their childhood
18:08that are preventing
18:09them from feeling safe
18:10even when you're
18:11really working at it.
18:12And so,
18:13it becomes a matter
18:14of finding ways
18:15to address those topics
18:17so that it does not
18:19feel critical.
18:20And that's,
18:21we can have,
18:21we can do a whole podcast
18:22on that,
18:22maybe we should.
18:24You will notice,
18:25when you're succeeding,
18:26you will notice
18:27that she will want
18:30to be physical
18:31with you more.
18:32At first,
18:34she's going to,
18:36if you come on to her,
18:38she may test you
18:39by saying no.
18:40And part of safety
18:41is honoring that no.
18:43Oh,
18:44all right,
18:44hey,
18:45all right,
18:45I got it,
18:45not a good time.
18:47But I want you to know,
18:48I want you to know
18:48that I'm interested.
18:50Right?
18:50Really important to her
18:51that she knows
18:51that you're interested
18:52without forcing her
18:54to do the deed.
18:56A sign of success
18:57is going to be
18:58that you learn
18:59how to introduce
19:00the idea
19:00of being physically intimate
19:01at a time
19:03when you both feel vulnerable
19:04and at a time
19:05when she's receptive to it.
19:06A sign of success
19:08is going to be
19:10that she
19:12is being less reactive
19:14to you
19:15because you're not
19:17putting out the stuff,
19:18the little barbs,
19:19the little sarcastic remarks,
19:21the little jokes
19:22that really hurt her.
19:25And as I share these things,
19:26I'm sure that you're going,
19:28wow,
19:29if only
19:29or some of you are going,
19:31yeah,
19:31I have that going on.
19:32Just a reminder,
19:33this is not about being perfect.
19:35It's about progress,
19:36not perfection.
19:37It's about being committed.
19:39It's about being present.
19:40It's about being open.
19:42And a big part
19:44of learning to be present
19:45is also you get to notice
19:47how much screen time
19:49do you have in your life?
19:50How much are you
19:51distracting yourself
19:52with,
19:54are you
19:54looking at pictures
19:56of other women
19:56naked
19:57or close to naked?
19:58Are you
19:59playing a lot of games?
20:01Are you,
20:01when you get stressed out,
20:03do you escape
20:04into
20:06screens,
20:07into
20:08reading,
20:09into
20:10social media?
20:12And as you ask yourself
20:14this question,
20:15are you ready for this?
20:17Here comes the pitch.
20:18We're going to be launching
20:19a whole series
20:21on screens
20:22and AI.
20:23Whoosh,
20:24here comes the ball.
20:25Question,
20:26can we use these things
20:28to build ourselves up
20:29or tear ourselves down?
20:30And the answer is yes.
20:32So,
20:33stay tuned for the next episode
20:34of Rich in Relationship
20:35where we kick off
20:36a whole series
20:38on how to build ourselves up
20:40or if we want,
20:42tear ourselves down
20:43through screens,
20:45through computers,
20:46through AI,
20:47you name it.
20:48Hey,
20:48if you like what you're hearing here,
20:50I want you to know
20:52that we need
20:53your subscription
20:54in order for other people
20:56to know the content is good.
20:57If you think it's good,
20:58show all the people
21:00that it's good,
21:00subscribe,
21:01like.
21:02In the meantime,
21:02have an awesome day
21:04and a fantastic tomorrow.
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