- 6 months ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zlfqV2ue9k Most men were taught that vulnerability equals weakness—so they stay silent, shut down, or explode. But in reality, vulnerability, when practiced with intention and strength, is the key to connection, leadership, and emotional freedom in marriage.
In this episode of the Rich in Relationship Podcast, we unpack what vulnerability actually is (and what it’s not). You'll hear listener-inspired questions like, “How do I open up without losing control?” and “Isn’t being vulnerable just asking to be hurt?”—and you’ll get real tools to answer those questions with clarity and confidence.
You’ll also learn how to set emotional boundaries, share from grounded awareness, and step into a more powerful, present form of manhood that invites your partner to trust and open up too.
If this conversation hits home, we’re gathering honest voices for a new book on masculinity and marriage. Want to share your story—or be part of the movement? Head to richinrelationship.com/bookinterview and sign up to be interviewed or get early access.
Follow us on social media for more relationship advice:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/
Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/
Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship
Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com
In this episode of the Rich in Relationship Podcast, we unpack what vulnerability actually is (and what it’s not). You'll hear listener-inspired questions like, “How do I open up without losing control?” and “Isn’t being vulnerable just asking to be hurt?”—and you’ll get real tools to answer those questions with clarity and confidence.
You’ll also learn how to set emotional boundaries, share from grounded awareness, and step into a more powerful, present form of manhood that invites your partner to trust and open up too.
If this conversation hits home, we’re gathering honest voices for a new book on masculinity and marriage. Want to share your story—or be part of the movement? Head to richinrelationship.com/bookinterview and sign up to be interviewed or get early access.
Follow us on social media for more relationship advice:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/
Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/
Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship
Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00Today at Rich in Relationship, we're going to talk about how vulnerability is actually strength.
00:09Yeah, wrap your mind around that one.
00:11When we show up as the accountant, the Stone Cold Killer, or John Wick,
00:16or whoever you want to think of that you've been watching,
00:18or back in the day it was Clint Eastwood,
00:20when we show up as those guys,
00:23it may be attractive for a little while, but not for very long.
00:26Your children need a father who can be vulnerable.
00:30Not all the time, just some of the time.
00:32Be open. Share what's real.
00:38Welcome to another episode of Rich in Relationship.
00:41I'm your host, Rich Heller, and today we're talking about vulnerability without weakness.
00:46Opening up without falling apart.
00:50And truthfully, right, I have an emotional reaction to saying vulnerability without weakness.
00:58All of my training, my whole life was be strong.
01:02I have a confession.
01:05I still like watching movies about guys who are invulnerable.
01:10Well, they have little moments of vulnerability, but they're, look, they're, I don't know what it is.
01:16It's like this obsession with sociopaths, right?
01:19People who, they just, somebody crosses them, they just kill them and they're okay with it, right?
01:24And truthfully, that's not the man I want to be.
01:27And yet somehow I'm still drawn to that image.
01:29And I feel like many of us are.
01:33But our wives, the women in our lives, they don't pick us to be that guy.
01:39I'm going to say this again.
01:41Your life partner, though she wants you to provide, she wants you to be strong.
01:46She wants to know that when someone comes in the house, you're going to do something about it.
01:51Whether it be call the cops, go down yourself, pull out a gun, or push her down in front of you.
01:58She wants to know you're going to do something, though she wants all that.
02:03She does not want you to be a stone cold killer.
02:05Here's what Anthony says.
02:07I hear my wife say she wants me to be more vulnerable.
02:11Well, what does that even mean?
02:13Am I supposed to cry on cue?
02:15Anthony, if only I could cry on cue, dude.
02:18That would save me so many troubles, right?
02:22Because sometimes women like it when we cry.
02:25Sometimes it scares the crap out of them, too, though.
02:27Let's be honest.
02:28So, true vulnerability.
02:31What's the hope in vulnerability?
02:32The hope is that when we let down our defenses and show them who we are.
02:41Fears, hurts, sadness, loneliness, and all the other good stuff, too.
02:49Joy, happiness, strength.
02:51We show them all of who we are.
02:54They can connect with us.
02:56When we show them all of who we are, they know they're okay, too.
03:00When we show up as the accountant, the stone cold killer, or John Wick, or whoever you want
03:05to think of that you've been watching, or back in the day, it was Clint Eastwood.
03:09When we show up as those guys, it may be attractive for a little while, but not for very long.
03:16Their children are not safe with those guys.
03:18Their children need a father who can be vulnerable.
03:24Your wife needs a husband who can be vulnerable.
03:27Not all the time, just some of the time.
03:28Be open.
03:30Share what's real.
03:32Without, you know, breaking down in tears and curling up in a ball and going fetal.
03:40And, you know what?
03:41I'm going to confess, there have been times in my life where that happened.
03:46Something so painful.
03:48A sense of such incredible powerlessness.
03:51When one of my children was hurt, and I could not protect them.
03:55Hurt so desperately and so badly, and I wished that I could have protected them.
04:00All I had was tears.
04:03Tears of pain for them.
04:05Tears of frustration that I couldn't be John Wick in that moment.
04:09That was an appropriate moment.
04:11And there was nothing anyone could do about that, but let me have that feeling.
04:15But we're not talking about that, folks.
04:17We're talking about, hey, you know what?
04:21When you talk to me that way, I feel a little hurt.
04:25I know where I go is anger, but I feel a little hurt under it.
04:28Because it reminds me of when I was a kid or whatever.
04:31That emotional honesty builds trust and deepens connection instead of pushing them away.
04:36When we go to, why'd you talk to me like that?
04:40You can't talk to me like that.
04:42That's not okay.
04:43That just pushes them away.
04:45Being vulnerable.
04:46Saying, hey, I felt a little hurt right here.
04:51To those of you who are listening and not watching, I was touching my stomach right here in my stomach.
04:55I felt a little hurt.
04:57I don't like feeling that way.
04:59I don't want to feel like that when I'm with you.
05:00I love you.
05:01That's courage.
05:03That's emotional leadership.
05:06And most of us have been leading our wives into a relationship where we're either angry,
05:12defensive, snarky, sarcastic, biting, or we're just leading parallel freaking lives,
05:18not saying a thing to each other.
05:19That's not how we want to live.
05:21That's not what we signed up for.
05:23It's not what they signed up for.
05:24So I'm telling you, this vulnerability, it is the opportunity to lead your marriage into a whole new place.
05:34A whole new fulfillment where you can have emotions without waiting for something horrible to happen like I was telling you about.
05:42Here's what Reggie says.
05:43He's 44.
05:44He says, every time I open up, it backfires.
05:47Either she doesn't get it or it's used against me later.
05:50Why would I keep trying?
05:51And I'm going to tell you, if this is how it goes.
05:55When we've been having the death of a thousand cuts, when we've been having guerrilla warfare with our wives for years and years,
06:04acting like everything's okay, but just making little snarky remarks like,
06:08oh, you want me to empty the garbage?
06:10That's not my job.
06:11It's your job.
06:12Or I did that.
06:14Why didn't you take care of this?
06:16Or every time that happens, that's on you.
06:19Or whatever.
06:19That attitude.
06:20We were having a little sparring match with our wives.
06:24And then one day we put our hands down and say, hey, you know what?
06:28I'm having some feelings.
06:29We shouldn't be surprised if they pop us in the face because they've been sparring with us for years.
06:34And the strength in that moment, when they pop us in the face emotionally, when we're being vulnerable,
06:40the strength in that moment is to say, I get it.
06:46We've been doing this a long time, baby.
06:49I'm changing it up.
06:50And I hope, I hope you don't feel like you have to do that again.
06:54And if they keep popping you in the face when you're vulnerable, keep popping you in the face when you're vulnerable,
06:58then you've got to set a boundary to keep it safe for you.
07:01But that's another episode.
07:04Let's just assume it's normal.
07:05In a normal relationship, when a man stops leading with emotional sparring and snarkiness
07:13and sarcasm and biting remarks and all that stuff that we do, or just stonewalling, shutting
07:18down while they're being snarky and biting, whatever it is, whatever your strategy is,
07:23when we stop doing that and start to open up, they're going to test a little to make sure
07:27we're not just manipulating them to make sure that it's real.
07:31And if they keep testing, then something's wrong.
07:36But usually, after they've tested it once or twice, they'll let down their guard a little.
07:40You know, relationships are like mobiles.
07:42I've said this before.
07:43I've got to get a mobile.
07:44Mobile is one of these things that hangs from the ceiling.
07:46And the two of you are in this mobile.
07:48And when you lighten up, she drops down.
07:51She's going to want to rebalance that.
07:55So Marco, who's 41, I hope you like this new format, by the way, where people give me questions.
08:00If you have a question, send it in to me.
08:03Marco says, how do I talk about what's going on without sounding needy or wussy or like
08:10I'm just whining?
08:11And that is a great question because honestly, men, we do a great job of whining.
08:15We may do it a little rough around the edges.
08:18We may do it by being a little biatchy.
08:21So what you got to ask yourself is where are you sharing from?
08:27Are you having like an emotional spiral?
08:30Do you feel like you're, before you share the emotion, where are you in the emotion?
08:34If you're having an emotion and it just feels all confusing and out of control, you're in
08:39what we call a spiral.
08:40You want to make sure you're on the emotional floor.
08:43That means not only are you having a feeling, but you can name the feeling.
08:48Not only can you name the feeling, but you know where it comes from.
08:52And nine times out of 10, where the feeling is coming from is not directly the experience
08:58that you're in.
09:00When we understand, know the feeling and understand where it comes from, where in our, is there
09:06a pattern, this repeating that we don't like?
09:08Is there a situation that came up when we were kids that we feel like we're experiencing
09:12here?
09:12That's deep.
09:12It's a little therapeutic.
09:13I know, but when we know what the basis is or the emotional floor of that feeling, we
09:19can talk about it in a way, we can be vulnerable in a way that's strong.
09:24If we just go, oh God, I'm just so upset.
09:27And the emotional sharing, it's like emotional diarrhea.
09:31You're not grounded.
09:32Probably what you need to do when you're in that state is take a walk, take some deep breaths,
09:38think about it.
09:39Talk to God about it.
09:40If you don't have God in your life, call your best friend.
09:43If you don't have your best friend, get an AI friend in replica or chat.
09:48I stay away from replica because that's mostly make your own girlfriend and make your own
09:51boyfriend and talk it, but talk it through with something that's responsive.
09:56Though, honestly, you could talk to a tree and it would be better than not talking about
10:00it.
10:01And once you feel grounded and understand where that emotion is coming, you're not just
10:05upset because she was talking to the neighbor and she always talks to him.
10:10You're upset because your mom used to talk to the neighbor and ended up leaving your dad
10:17and you're afraid that that's what's happening here.
10:19Oh, I get it.
10:21I'm having a lot more emotion about this than maybe I need to.
10:25I'm a lot more afraid than maybe I should be because it reminds me of something that
10:28really wasn't good for me and when I was a kid.
10:31Then, once you're grounded, you get to talk about it.
10:35Hey, I'm afraid, honey.
10:37You've been talking to Tom over there and you keep going over there to talk to him and
10:43I'm afraid.
10:45When you do that, it reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom used to do that and my
10:49parents ended up getting divorced.
10:50And she'll say, but Tom is 88 and we're in our 30s.
10:54And you'll feel like such a fool, right?
10:56Don't think that 88-year-old guys don't have game though.
10:59So, I'm just saying that as a guy who one day is going to be 88.
11:0288-year-old's got game?
11:03Come on.
11:04Try, when you lay out the emotion, try opening up with this because very often as guys, what
11:10we want to do when we share the emotion is we want to fix the problem.
11:14Remember, she wants to fix the problem, but not until the emotion is totally explored.
11:19And so, you need to be prepared for some exploration.
11:22That's why I'm saying, make sure you're grounded.
11:24Talk about it.
11:25Get clear on where it's coming from because she's going to talk to you about it.
11:28You might want to open with this phrase.
11:31Hey, I'm not sharing this to fix it.
11:33I don't even need you to fix it.
11:35I just need to share where I'm at.
11:37I'm really scared right now.
11:39So, you remember I talked about boundaries.
11:41Let's talk about boundaries a little.
11:43Jermaine writes in and he says, what if I don't want to talk about it right now?
11:47Is it okay to say that without shutting down completely?
11:51Very often, Jermaine, what we tend to do as men is we tend to say, I can't talk about
11:56this right now.
11:57I'll see you later.
11:59And the reason is usually valid.
12:01The reason is usually maybe we were a little, we got having a little more emotion than the
12:07moment calls for.
12:08And we know that if we go there, it's not going to be good.
12:11I practice this with my own wife.
12:13There are times when I get fired up and I just know it is not the right time.
12:17In the state that I'm in, oceanally, I'm on that spiral.
12:20I'm not going to do anything.
12:21I say to her, honey, nothing good is going to come out of my mouth right now.
12:26I promise you we could talk about this in an hour.
12:29I just need to step out.
12:32And she doesn't love it, but at least she gets that in an hour we're going to talk about it.
12:36That boundary is for me and for her, right?
12:40Because I know that if I'm, if I get into it in that state, but I'm going to step in
12:44it with her and I'm going to hurt her feelings.
12:47I'm going to throw back all the years of work I've put into creating a partnership with this
12:54woman who I love and I'm going to feel like I failed and I will have failed if I do that.
13:00That boundary is to keep me safe and it's to keep her safe.
13:03So boundaries are things that we set up to create safety and get that vulnerability does
13:10not happen without safety.
13:13We got to feel safe first.
13:14And if our own emotions are driving us to feel like we can't do anything positive, it's unsafe
13:21for us to express them in this moment because they're so intense.
13:24We need to take the lead by saying that.
13:27Emotional leadership is about pacing.
13:29It isn't just openness.
13:30Being vulnerable is about choosing the right moment.
13:34So how do we practice grounded openness?
13:38How do we actually get better at this?
13:41We talked to the last episode about identifying feelings.
13:45We talked about breathing, name the feeling, breathing, locate the feeling in our body.
13:51We talked about sharing the feeling and not the story.
13:57The story is, let's go back to my example.
14:01She keeps going next door to talk to Tom.
14:03That's not the story.
14:05The feeling is, hey, I'm scared.
14:07You keep going out and talking to other people scares me.
14:10We get better at it by using I statements.
14:13I've hammered this again and again and again.
14:15I am feeling X.
14:19Feeling.
14:20Mad, sad, glad, afraid.
14:22Or any of the 10,000 feelings that are subcategories of that.
14:25When you go to talk to Tom.
14:28Because my mom stepped out of my dad.
14:32Actually, in my case, my dad stepped out of my mom, to be honest.
14:35If we're going to be completely transparent.
14:37And when I tell them the because, it's not the story.
14:40It's my story.
14:42What's driving the feeling?
14:44Really, it's about where does that feeling come from?
14:46Why am I having that intensity of feeling?
14:48And the vulnerability is saying, yes, I have a childhood hurt that I need you to help me heal.
14:55I want you to get that vulnerability is a practice.
14:59Life is a practice.
15:00You know what?
15:01You might start and make a mistake.
15:04You might start by saying, every time you go to Tom, I feel so angry.
15:11No, no, no.
15:12Wait.
15:12Take two.
15:14Take two.
15:15Let me redo that.
15:17Yeah, I feel angry.
15:19But under the anger, I feel scared when you go talk to Tom.
15:23When you go talk to Tom because of my mom's.
15:27You can take two of this.
15:28You don't have to do it perfectly every time.
15:31And after a while, you'll get it right on the first take.
15:34I want you to be caring with yourself here.
15:37We tend to be perfectionistic about this stuff.
15:40Oh, wow.
15:41It sounds so good on the podcast.
15:43And then we try it and we step right in it.
15:45So if you step right in it, all you have to say is, oh, I stepped right in it.
15:48Take two.
15:50Let me start over.
15:51I'm so sorry I put it that way.
15:53Let me reframe this.
15:55Let me say this with heart.
15:58I'm trying to be vulnerable here.
16:00I'm not good at it yet.
16:02But help me to be good at it.
16:04Give me another chance.
16:04Devin writes in, even if I share, how do I make sure she feels heard too?
16:12I want to understand her, not just unload on her.
16:16God, that's deep, right?
16:18That is deep.
16:20Devin, you're doing the work, bro.
16:22And that's what we all want.
16:24Really, we want to understand her.
16:26We seek to understand before we are understood.
16:30It's like the whole game right there.
16:32If you seek to understand her and connect with her, she will stay with you forever.
16:39And we're going to talk about that more in our next episode.
16:42Our next episode is about empathy in action.
16:46When we can talk about those feelings we're not so good at talking about,
16:51that's how we connect heart to heart with our partner and with other people.
16:56We will become not just better husbands, but we will become better fathers.
17:00We will become not just better fathers, but we will become better mentors.
17:05We will become better friends when we do this.
17:09We will become more whole and complete human beings and men.
17:14Again, if you like what you're hearing, subscribe, share, get the word out.
17:19We're starting a movement here at Rich in Relationship.
17:22We are building a community of men and women who want to go deeper, who want to have more.
17:30With that, I'm Rich Heller, and I'm going to say have an awesome day and an even better tomorrow.
17:36I'm Rich Heller, and I'm Rich Heller, and I'm Rich Heller, and I'm going to say have an awesome day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and day and
Comments