- 5 months ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SPXQov-DZs For generations, success as a man was measured by physical strength, financial provision, and dominance. But today, those rules have changed—technology, equality, and social shifts have created a new playing field. Many men feel lost, unsure of their role in relationships and society, struggling to balance strength with emotional intelligence.
In this episode, we’ll explore how the definition of masculinity has evolved—from the old model of dominance and control to a modern framework based on confidence, intelligence, and strategic leadership. We’ll break down why simply being a “provider” isn’t enough anymore and what women actually want in a strong, capable partner.
You don’t need to be a billionaire or an athlete to thrive as a man today—but you do need to embrace leadership, presence, and emotional intelligence. We’ll share key takeaways from successful men who’ve adapted, and practical steps to reclaim your confidence and redefine success on your terms.
🚀 Want to rediscover your strength, confidence, and leadership in marriage?
Our men’s groups are launching soon. Go to RichInRelationship.com and join other men who are stepping into their power—without losing themselves.
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LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship
Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com
In this episode, we’ll explore how the definition of masculinity has evolved—from the old model of dominance and control to a modern framework based on confidence, intelligence, and strategic leadership. We’ll break down why simply being a “provider” isn’t enough anymore and what women actually want in a strong, capable partner.
You don’t need to be a billionaire or an athlete to thrive as a man today—but you do need to embrace leadership, presence, and emotional intelligence. We’ll share key takeaways from successful men who’ve adapted, and practical steps to reclaim your confidence and redefine success on your terms.
🚀 Want to rediscover your strength, confidence, and leadership in marriage?
Our men’s groups are launching soon. Go to RichInRelationship.com and join other men who are stepping into their power—without losing themselves.
Follow us on social media for more relationship advice:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/
Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/
Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship
Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00Today at Rich in Relationship, we're going to talk about understanding the new rules of masculinity
00:08or how to be a man in the modern age.
00:11For generations, being a man was simple.
00:14You worked hard, you were strong, you provided, you gave a level of protection.
00:20But in today's world, physical strength and traditional roles, they're just not enough.
00:25The formula here is you got to take care of yourself first.
00:29In order to serve your family, you got to make sure that you are 100%, that you have a sense of purpose.
00:40Welcome to another episode of Rich in Relationship.
00:45And today we're talking about redefining success in masculinity, how today's man can thrive.
00:53Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
00:54I'm talking about thrive, not just at work, but at home.
00:57Not just at home, but with the extended family.
01:00Not just with the extended family, but in the community.
01:02Thrive in every aspect of your life.
01:04That is what we're talking about.
01:07We're talking about the letting go of the pain, of feeling left behind, and the hope of reinventing success today.
01:15Because for generations, being a man was simple.
01:18You worked hard, you were strong, you provided, you gave a level of protection.
01:25But in today's world, physical strength and traditional roles, they're just not enough.
01:30In fact, they're often uncalled for.
01:33Success isn't just about power, raw power, physical power.
01:37It's about strategy.
01:39It's about, here's something you hear a lot about, but we don't really get, emotional intelligence and adaptability.
01:46And you know what?
01:47I'm going to make sure I talk about what is emotional intelligence really as we go through this.
01:53I don't know about you guys, all right?
01:54But when I look at the models of success today, I'm a little intimidated.
01:59And honestly, I feel a little left behind.
02:02Like, I miss it when I hear the stories of these guys.
02:04I'm talking about Bill Gates, Elon Musk, guys like Jeff Bezos.
02:11I like the stories of most of these guys are guys who started, they found their passion when they were teenagers.
02:17And they just kind of did their own thing.
02:20And they just sort of discovered themselves as they were just succeeding being themselves, right?
02:25And really, this is what it is, is the rise and revenge of the nerds, is what my generation called it.
02:32But really what it is, it's about guys who at an early age had a passion for something that hooked them.
02:39And they really pursued it.
02:41They felt there was a sense of purpose and fulfillment in it.
02:44And for those of us who maybe missed that boat when we were teenagers, maybe we got distracted by something else.
02:49We got to ask ourselves, how are we ever going to catch up?
02:53Well, we're not going to catch up, right?
02:56It's very unlikely that I am going to end up being Elon Musk at this stage of my life.
03:02But I can catch up in the sense that I feel like I have a mission.
03:07I can catch up in the sense that I feel like I'm living a life of purpose.
03:10I can catch up in the sense that I'm standing for what I believe in and making mistakes doing it.
03:15Let's be clear.
03:17I can catch up in that I am learning to be strategic instead of reactive.
03:23We call that proactive over reactive here.
03:25That's the way that I can catch up.
03:27So let's go through this episode and just figure out, you know, what is it that we need to understand about the new rules of masculinity so that we can start playing by them?
03:38We're going to talk about redefining success for men and really for women, too, in today's world.
03:44Because you can't have one without the other.
03:46It's yin yang.
03:47We're going to talk about what does it take to be respected?
03:50So many men come to me and say, Rich, I don't feel understood and I don't feel respected.
03:55What does it mean to be valued?
03:58What does it mean to be fulfilled?
04:00What does it mean to be fulfilled as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a leader in your family?
04:07So to get there, we need to understand what's not working.
04:11And we talk about that a lot here at Rich in Relationship.
04:14Back in the day, success was about financial provision and physical dominance.
04:19Right. If you could come up with enough money and physical protection, if you either did it yourself or you hired people to do it for you, then you were desirable.
04:29In fact, by the way, studies show if you were a woman, what success for you was that you demonstrated the ability to be attractive and productive like heirs.
04:42Studies show that men and women still are attracted to these things, even though the rules have changed.
04:48Women are still attracted to men that they see as successful and can provide for them, even though they are capable of providing for themselves.
04:55And men are still attracted to women who are who maintain their and who are nurturing and have maternal quality, if not ability.
05:06Right. This is still the draw.
05:07And no matter what age men and women are, these things are important, though there are certain stages in life where they become less important.
05:14What's changed is what does success mean?
05:18What does protection mean contextually?
05:20What has changed for in women is what does it mean to be nurturing?
05:25What does it mean to be attractive?
05:28And depending on where you come from, your concept of what that means is going to be different.
05:33The words mean different things in different cultures to different people is what I'm telling you.
05:38Right. So studies are based on words, but the words are often not contextually defined.
05:44So let's talk about that.
05:46Leadership was about being in control, about making decisions and expecting compliance.
05:53Emotional intelligence and partnership when it came to men in relationship to women were often afterthoughts, appreciated when they happen, but afterthoughts.
06:02So let's talk about emotional intelligence for just a second.
06:05In its most basic form and emotional intelligence is the ability to see through the eyes of another person.
06:12Men are decent at seeing through the eyes of other men.
06:15Where we drop the ball is seeing eyes through the eyes of women.
06:18Women are very good at seeing through the eyes of men, but not always the person they're married to, let's be honest.
06:25There's some breakdowns there.
06:26But overall, women do understand men's thinking better than men understand women's thinking.
06:30And the reason for that is for thousands of years, women have attempted to succeed and often do within a male constructed society, institutions that have institutionalized the male way of doing things in the male way of looking at life in the male way of thinking, which is, by the way, in case you hadn't noticed, distinctly different than the female way.
06:51That's what institutionalized sexism is basically it's a structure that is geared towards one sex's way of thinking.
07:02I'm not talking about misogyny necessarily, though.
07:04That might be part of it also.
07:06So women have had to function within those structures.
07:09We have yet to experience functioning within the structures of women.
07:13That may happen if you allow your household to run properly.
07:19So we talked about this before.
07:21Back in the day, it was a different game.
07:23Society has changed those rules.
07:25In previous episodes, we talked about the women's movement.
07:27We talked about industrialization and how women's equality and women can produce a lot of the things that men can produce because we have technology to compensate for physical differences, except having children.
07:39Though that may be happening.
07:41We don't know.
07:41But women basically gained a dependence.
07:44They stopped needing to choose men for financial survival.
07:49Provision became different for women once they achieve the ability to support themselves financially completely.
07:58Let me say that again.
08:00It's not that women aren't choosing men for their ability to provide.
08:05That's still what's going on.
08:07The definition of provision has changed.
08:09It's no longer you go out and earn the money and take care of me and the kids.
08:14It's now you are wired for long-term goal-oriented action.
08:22How do we take what we have and make more of it?
08:25How do we take what we have and distribute it in a way that ensures that our needs are not only met now, but also in the future?
08:31How do we take what we have and use it in the best interest of our family today and in the future?
08:39That's what provision has come to mean.
08:41And so you can be a man taking care of the children at home and she can be the single wage earner, but you still have a responsibility in regards to provision.
08:52And where a lot of men miss their calling there is they just, since it's her money, it's not mine.
08:58I shouldn't think about it.
08:59Well, that is a mistake.
09:00It's a mistake even I've made.
09:01I'm saving it.
09:01As I'm saying this, I am convicted.
09:03Technology leveled the playing field, brawn no longer means success, and men who don't adapt feel left behind, lost, and disconnected.
09:16That's the deal.
09:17Let's go back to our examples.
09:19The really successful males in our society, what they all have in common is they pursued their individual passion first.
09:27Their individual passion, they didn't worry about getting a girl.
09:32Their individual passion evolved into financial success.
09:38As they became financially successful, they became more attractive.
09:43They're succeeding.
09:44They become more attractive.
09:46They find a woman who is a good fit, but obviously not a woman who wants a dominant, aggressive male.
09:53This is a woman who's looking for provision and recognizes that being dominant and aggressive isn't necessarily the quality that they want.
10:00As they have this relationship with a woman, many of these guys, by the way, you know, all these guys are now working out.
10:08They have personal trainers.
10:09They've got money.
10:09They've got personal trainers.
10:11They take the time to take care of themselves physically.
10:13So they've developed their bodies.
10:15Often they're proud of it.
10:17I read an article about, I don't know, two billionaire, intellectual billionaires who created their own empires who were talking about settling a fight through fighting physically.
10:29Even though that's not how they ever succeeded in life, they didn't do it.
10:33But it's interesting that as guys, we still go to that place.
10:37So the formula here is you've got to take care of yourself first in order to serve your family.
10:46You've got to make sure you are 100 percent, that you have a sense of purpose, that you are a taking care of your mind, body and spirit.
10:55A lot of these guys were not taking care of their bodies at that time, but they were at an age where their bodies were very generative.
11:01But when they got older and they crossed that 30 line, they realized that they didn't have that youthful growth energy anymore.
11:09Now they were in a different stage of life.
11:11They started taking care of their bodies, right?
11:13They take care of their minds, bodies and spirits.
11:15Everybody does that in their own way.
11:16Men, wherever you are in life, you want to develop those habits as soon as possible.
11:21But you also want to have a sense of what your innate strengths are and interests are and abilities.
11:26You want to make sure that you're pursuing that.
11:27And that if you already have a family in your life, you have to balance that sense of personal fulfillment with how am I going to feel fulfilled in the relationship, right?
11:38First, we take care of ourselves and then we feed the relationship because our partner is where the synergy is created.
11:44And then our family and work often comes last.
11:49So common reaction to this situation where there's confusion and fear, right?
11:54Heck, I don't know how to be a man, is that men double down on outdated models.
11:58They become more dominant or they withdraw completely.
12:01They're passive.
12:03You know, in the next episode, we're going to talk about six strategies or behaviors or personas that men adopt that come out of this fear and confusion.
12:14So stay tuned for that.
12:15And honestly, there's six personas that we've probably all worn.
12:18It's just the one that's most comfortable for us.
12:20But those things don't really work.
12:22They're short-term strategies to a long-term problem.
12:25So where does that leave us?
12:27You know, what we need to be considering, we're taking care of ourselves.
12:31We've got this partner.
12:33What does she actually want?
12:35All right.
12:35We thought what she wanted was the old definition of masculinity.
12:39How can we be more like these successful guys?
12:42Well, the truth is, women don't want to be dominated, but there's times, all of us as human beings, there's times when we don't want to be in charge.
12:53They want us to take the lead.
12:56Not in everything.
12:56If a child is having a problem where they feel hurt or diminished in their peer group, that might be an area for your wife because she may understand that better.
13:13Depending on whether it's a boy or a girl, if a child's being bullied, that might be a situation for you.
13:29Might be.
13:29It's about how we have the strengths.
13:32How can we take the strengths that we have and communicate them to the child?
13:35There are situations where she's going to want you to lead.
13:37And there are situations where you want her to lead.
13:39But you don't want it to be all her, and she doesn't want it to be all you.
13:43A strong man today is not just a provider, but also a communicator.
13:48Communication is universal in men and women.
13:51And we need to work on how to communicate with our wives.
13:54They're from Venus.
13:55We're from Mars.
13:56We need to learn how to speak Venusian.
13:58They already have a sense of what Martian means, but still not enough that we feel understood.
14:03They fall back on trying to make us feel heard, but not necessarily understood.
14:08And the difference in that is they might reflect back what we're saying, but they might not understand the why of what we're saying.
14:16And for guys, for us, the why is really important.
14:19For women, they want to make sure they understand the what first, and they'll get to the why later.
14:24All right.
14:25We want to focus on the why and moving the train forward.
14:28They want to get the what laid down in all the different areas of life before they apply the why.
14:34And they have a tendency to get lost in the what, and we have a tendency to get lost in the why, and that's why we need them and they need us.
14:41A strong man today is not just a provider or a communicator, but also a decision maker.
14:45And most important, all right, this is primal in the marriage, a builder of safety and trust.
14:51If your wife does not feel safe, if you are expressing your anger and frustration loudly, she will not feel safe.
14:58She will not feel trust because the truth is, even though the game has changed, men and women are equal.
15:05Women can learn to defend themselves.
15:07They can learn to shoot.
15:08They can learn to kill.
15:09They always could.
15:11We're still physically bigger, and our anger comes across very differently than theirs.
15:16They experience our anger very differently than we experience theirs.
15:19We feel safer in their anger.
15:22Not that we feel safe, but we feel safer in their anger.
15:24We're less concerned that they might kill us than they are with us because physically, we can take physical abuse better than they can.
15:32Our bodies are built for it from, like, being hit.
15:36They can take abuse from the inside, being kicked by that little dumpling.
15:42And because we're physically stronger for the most part, if we hit them, they're going to feel it a lot more than if they hit us.
15:50By the way, I'm not saying you should test that.
15:52I'm saying the reason why, unconsciously, when we get angry, it's scarier for them than it is for us, is that.
16:00And there are exceptions to that.
16:01I've said this before.
16:02If you were raised by a very raging mother who was ragingly angry with you as a child, you may have a very fearful reaction to women.
16:11You may not want to associate with them.
16:13So there are definitely always exceptions.
16:15I'm talking in broad strokes here.
16:17So let's talk about the new alpha, about being strategic, emotionally intelligent, and confident.
16:23All right?
16:24You don't need to be Jeff Bezos.
16:27You don't need to be Bill Gates.
16:28You don't need to be Elon Musk.
16:29You don't need to be any of these guys.
16:31All right?
16:31You need to be yourself.
16:32But you can develop their winning qualities, right?
16:36They have confidence in decision-making.
16:39The reason why they have confidence in decision-making is they're clear about where they're going and what's best for their family.
16:48Where these kinds of characters might make mistakes is they might not always take into account the interests of their partner.
16:57And that's why sometimes their marriages collapse.
17:00All right?
17:00They might become, in their work environment, they're so used to being the authority that they want that in their marriage sometimes.
17:08So for us, it's about having that confidence that, and we build, and that confidence comes from, by the way, for us in our lives, since we're not billionaire businessmen, most of us, though one or two of you listening might be.
17:22I hope so.
17:23For us, the confidence comes in acting on the shared vision that we've developed with our wives and our principles about how we live.
17:33And so whenever something, when we need to make a decision in confidence about something, we tap our values and principles, we look at the shared strategy we've created, and we act from that confidence.
17:47And there may be times when your confidence is out of alignment with hers.
17:53I'm actually going to share a story with you here, which I don't do often.
17:56As you can imagine, being a coach, helping people with their marriages, is very seasonal in nature.
18:02So there are times when it's prosperous, and there are times when it's not.
18:07It's inconsistent.
18:08And I made a decision that I was going to earn money through another means to level out that consistency.
18:14And I talked to my partner about it, and I laid it out.
18:19And I said, listen, what this means, I'm going to start up another business.
18:22You know, while this coaching business continues to thrive and grow and develop, I'm not going to throw away coaching.
18:28But I'm going to start up this other business so that I can provide, there's a gap in how much we're both earning and what we want to accomplish in our lives and the timeline for that accomplishment.
18:40And so I'm stepping into this other work to supplement our incomes so that we can make sure that we stay in our timeline.
18:49She loved the idea of the timeline step up.
18:52She loved my confidence.
18:53She didn't like the idea that maybe I was going to be less available.
18:57And so this leads into the other quality, emotional intelligence.
19:01I knew that she would have a mixed reaction to this.
19:04And so I was very careful to wait until we had time alone together, to wait until we were both relaxed.
19:11And to share this and to give her an option.
19:15By the way, I said, you know, if you don't want me to do this, let's just come up with another way to generate this money.
19:19But in the end, she blessed it with ambivalence, right?
19:24The ambivalence being, wow, I may not see as much of you as I'd like to.
19:28The ambivalence being, our kids may not have quite the access to you that they could while you're engaged in the startup phase of this new work.
19:35Because every new work involves intensive startup and the recognition that we would talk about that and address it and the recognition that should other problems come up, we would continue to talk about it.
19:45And so I created a space and I allowed her to express the possibility that I shouldn't do this.
19:52And in the end, she said, you know, you should do this because I get it.
19:55You really want to keep us on this timeline.
19:57You really feel the need to move this forward.
20:00And I can see that it has value for us.
20:02So even though I can see there's hardship, I'm with you.
20:05She saw it through my eyes.
20:06I saw it through her eyes.
20:08I didn't tell her I'm doing this.
20:11And if you don't like it, lump it.
20:12I told her I'm doing this.
20:14And if you can see a better way to do this, I'm open.
20:16In fact, if you give me a way to not do this, I won't do it.
20:19Because the important thing wasn't the doing.
20:22It's where we're going and how we go there together.
20:25How do we feel going there together?
20:27Emotional intelligence.
20:28I needed to know how she felt.
20:30I needed to hear if she had other suggestions.
20:32I needed to give her power to say no, even though I was 99% sure this is where we're
20:38going.
20:39And that's big picture thinking, right?
20:41That's the next step.
20:42Confidence, emotional intelligence.
20:43Big picture thinking is calling out.
20:45This is what we said we want.
20:47And right now it doesn't look like we're moving towards it.
20:50So what are some ways?
20:51Big picture.
20:52How can we move towards this?
20:53How can we not get stuck in the small power struggles, but really look at how can we make
20:58this work for our family?
20:58And it was about being physically present.
21:02In that moment, I was 100% in the room.
21:05I wasn't thinking about other things.
21:07It's emotionally present, not in my body, not just physically present.
21:10I was in my body, completely there.
21:13And then the last piece is resilience and adaptability.
21:17Resilience and adaptability is being open to the possibility that there might be disagreement,
21:22being open to the possibility that she might get really upset, being open to the possibility
21:27that it might end badly, right?
21:29And being resilient enough to know that I can pick up that conversation again in the future
21:33because this thing that we've agreed on, this future we're creating together is really
21:38important to both of us.
21:39And we both know that.
21:41And so if one of us gets triggered or gets off track or goes off rails, as long as I'm
21:45resilient and adaptable, right, I can set it aside and come back to it when we both reset.
21:50So confidence, emotional intelligence, big picture thinking, being present in the moment,
21:55being present in your body, taking care of your body, having energy, energetic body.
22:01If your body's sick, it's hard to be present in the moment, being resilient and adaptable.
22:06And this is attainable for all men, these qualities.
22:10They're not skills.
22:11They're not innate traits.
22:12They can be learned and developed.
22:14But these traits are going to help the emergence of your innate traits and your innate abilities.
22:19You don't have to lose yourself in your wife's expectations.
22:22You can learn how to lead with strength and balance.
22:26So step one, get clear about what kind of man you want to be.
22:32Not everyone has to be a CEO, but every man needs a mission, all right?
22:35My personal, I have a mission for our family and I have a personal mission, all right?
22:40My mission for my family is that I create the structures.
22:43I provide the structures for my children and their children to still come together and relax together
22:50and have a sense of family together.
22:52Like that's kind of like my personal family mission, but also that I continue to build up
22:57my relationship and my marriage and that together we help our children as they launch
23:01into the next phase of their life, giving them our wisdom and experience, the mistakes we've made
23:05and the things we've done right so that they can continue to grow and feel supported
23:09and nurtured independently of us.
23:11And personally, my mission is to help you have the most prosperous and joyful marriage
23:19possible.
23:20And what rings my bell is watching couples go from this ain't working to, oh my God,
23:27this is so amazing.
23:29And sometimes men come to me and say, oh my God, I don't know what to do.
23:33I'm getting divorced.
23:33Sometimes women bring their men to me and we do couples work.
23:36And sometimes men and women come together depending on where they are in the communication.
23:40So what's your big picture vision for your family?
23:43What is your personal fulfillment based in?
23:46And if you're not sure, we can talk about that some more.
23:49Stop.
23:50Step two, take control of your personal growth, right?
23:54Step one, you decide who's, what kind of man do you want to be?
23:57Step two, take control of your personal growth.
23:59Make sure you're nurturing your mind, body, and spirit.
24:01Make sure that you're developing yourself.
24:03Make sure that you have all the connections and nurturing and sustenance you need to grow
24:09yourself.
24:10And step three, build a thriving marriage through taking the lead in your marriage.
24:15Taking the lead doesn't mean telling her how it's going to be.
24:17It means developing that shared vision and leading towards it.
24:21And when you see that there's some faltering or some thing that's in the way, either being
24:27willing to step in personally or talk about how she might step in personally or how you might
24:32do it together.
24:33Leadership in a relationship is not about control.
24:35It's about presence.
24:37It's about a safe space where these things can be aired out.
24:40It's about learning when to listen, when to take charge, and when to be supportive.
24:46Stop waiting for your wife to take the lead in the relationship.
24:51Be the man she chose in the first place.
24:54But do not tell her how to manage the relationship.
24:59All right, I want you to know that when I had that conversation with my wife, there were
25:02places she went that I hadn't even thought of, right?
25:05That was her managing the relationship, all right?
25:09That's her strength.
25:12Women are much more, the feminine side, the women are far more relational.
25:17And I was like incredibly impressed with it.
25:20Here's the final thought.
25:22Masculinity isn't dead.
25:24It's evolving.
25:25And the truth is the context that we express, our sense of purpose, our sense of manhood,
25:30our sense of masculinity, and is going to continue to change.
25:33So we need to observe how that environment is changing.
25:37Men who refuse to evolve are the ones who are struggling the most in their marriage, in
25:42their careers, and in their sense of self-worth.
25:44Don't be one of those guys.
25:45And if you think you might be one of those guys, reach out to me.
25:50It's what I'm here for.
25:50You ring my bell when I get to help you do that.
25:55Find that success.
25:57Find that balance between sense of purpose and relationship and family and world.
26:05Masculinity today is not about brute force.
26:07It's about being intelligent and strategic emotionally and intellectually.
26:12It's about confidence.
26:13It's about bracing your mission, not just surviving.
26:17It's about thriving.
26:19Hey, if you want more tools for your marriage, you want to learn more, share this podcast with
26:24your friends, like it, subscribe to it.
26:26We love to hear from you.
26:28Reach out to us.
26:29And in the meantime, have an excellent day and an awesome tomorrow.
26:43We love to hear from you.
26:44We love to hear from you.
26:45We love to hear from you.
26:46We love to hear from you.
26:47We love to hear from you.
26:48We love to hear from you.
26:49We love to hear from you.
26:50We love to hear from you.
26:51We love to hear from you.
26:52We love to hear from you.
26:53We love to hear from you.
26:54We love to hear from you.
26:55We love to hear from you.
26:56We love to hear from you.
26:57We love to hear from you.
26:58We love to hear from you.
26:59We love to hear from you.
27:00We love to hear from you.
27:01We love to hear from you.
27:02We love to hear from you.
27:03We love to hear from you.
27:04We love to hear from you.
27:05We love to hear from you.
27:06We love to hear from you.
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