Feeling First, Reacting Later Training Your Nervous System for Relationship

Rich Heller

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSmqmNHt86g In relationships, most damage isn’t caused by what we feel — it’s what we do when we don’t know what we’re feeling that leads to disconnection, conflict, and regret. In this episode, we unpack how your nervous system influences your behavior and emotional reactions. You’ll learn how to recognize early warning signs in your body, interrupt the reactive loop, and develop emotional agility that helps you lead with connection instead of reactivity.  We’re bridging neuroscience, self-awareness, and relational leadership — showing how modern men can learn to feel without falling apart, and respond without shutting down.  Want to help shape the future of this conversation? We’re looking for honest voices for Men Masculinity & Marriage— a book based on men’s real stories. Share yours or join our list of early readers: RichInRelationship.com   Follow us on social media for more relationship advice: Facebook -  https://www.facebook.com/richinrelationship/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/richinrelationship/  Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/richinrelationship/_created/ Tiktok -    https://www.tiktok.com/@richinrelationship LinkedIn -  https://www.linkedin.com/company/rich-in-relationship Website - https://www.richinrelationship.com

Transcript

00:01Today at Rich in Relationship, we're going to teach you how to train your nervous system

00:07so that your feelings become manageable.

00:10Shame is, I did something that people shouldn't do and I feel bad about who I am,

00:16as opposed to I have a behavior that isn't working for me and I need to change it.

00:20The decision that you're going to make is going to be,

00:22I am not going to explode in the presence of my family.

00:25It's not safe for them. It's not okay for them.

00:30Welcome to another episode of Rich in Relationship.

00:33I'm your host, Rich Heller, and today we are talking about feeling first, reacting later,

00:39training your nervous system for relationship.

00:41And I want you to know, guys, that ladies have been kicking our butt in this area.

00:45Their brains are wired for this.

00:48They know how to express and receive emotions so much better than we do.

00:54The truth is that half the time, we don't know what we're feeling.

00:57And when we do know, we only know because it jumps in and takes over.

01:01Well, in this episode, we're going to talk about how to train your nervous system

01:05so that you're better prepared to be emotionally honest in a way that she can receive

01:11so that you're in a better position to receive what she has to say.

01:15In the last episode, we talked about the way you can do that.

01:20In this episode, we're going to talk about what needs to happen in your nervous system for that to work.

01:25So, here's a listener question.

01:29Chris says,

01:30My wife says I go from zero to 60 emotionally.

01:33I don't mean to, but I just snap.

01:35How do I stop doing that?

01:37That's a big one.

01:38There's a lot in this.

01:40If we go from any time a human being, man or woman,

01:44goes from zero to 60 emotionally,

01:47I'm not talking about zero to 10 or 20.

01:52Yeah, I'm not saying, oh, wow, that makes me angry.

01:54I'm going like, all of a sudden, just like that.

01:56Like an electric car when you step on the pedal.

02:00You notice how I excluded brands there?

02:02See, I'm getting politically savvy, finally.

02:04If we go from zero to 60, it's because there's more emotion coming to the surface

02:09than the situation calls for.

02:12In fact, I would label it unwarranted emotion.

02:17He's in the room.

02:18There's the warranted emotion, which is something that's happening that I feel a little anger

02:24and maybe some other feelings about.

02:25But then there's that other stuff that goes from zero to 60.

02:28It's unwarranted.

02:29And I would even say inappropriate.

02:33And guys are really becoming better judges of what's inappropriate and unwarranted.

02:40I'm going to give us some credit.

02:41We are getting better at this.

02:42There are more and more men who are coming to work with me and their wives

02:46who consider themselves to be empathic and emotionally connected.

02:52But here's the thing.

02:54There are still men.

02:56An empathic male still knows less about feeling than most women.

03:03It's just how it is.

03:06So what happens when we go from zero to 60?

03:08There's two components.

03:09One is there's old emotion.

03:12And typically what's happened is something's occurred in our space that reminds us of an old Hirsch or an old injustice.

03:23And not only do we have the little bit of anger about that situation, but we layer on a whole bunch more that's been hanging out in the past.

03:36It's unreleased.

03:37Let's call it unreleased emotion.

03:38And what happens is there's an amygdala hijack.

03:43We've talked about in a lot of episodes.

03:44Hey, you guys who know the amygdala is the diva.

03:49When the diva comes out on the stage, it wants all the attention.

03:52It wants all the energy.

03:53The diva is emotional and irrational.

03:56And it can only fight and run away or play dead.

04:01That's the only options that this diva has.

04:04And when we go from zero to 60, the diva is in full command of the stage.

04:08All the emotional energy has come out of the director, your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that decides whether you're going to be in the rest of your cortex, the cerebral cortex, or whether you're going to be in the amygdala.

04:20Basically, all the emotional energy goes to that amygdala.

04:26And not only does that happen in our brain, but when that happens, there's physical reaction.

04:32The diva comes out on the stage, and there is a rush of adrenaline.

04:37There is a hit of cortisol.

04:42And that does not just leave your body.

04:45All right?

04:45It builds up.

04:46In fact, the more the diva comes out of the stage, the more the diva comes on stage.

04:51What I'm saying to you is the more that that amygdala is triggered and we don't pull the energy out from it, we don't give it the hook and pull it off stage, the more it comes out.

05:04And the reason is our prefrontal cortex, the director, gets weaker and weaker, and the amygdala, the diva, gets stronger and stronger.

05:12And we've talked about this in a lot of episodes.

05:14Please forgive me if this is old stuff for you.

05:17But it's the foundation, right?

05:19What we're talking about is how do we go from zero to ten?

05:24Everyone says, I need to feel my feeling.

05:27This is from Marcus.

05:28He's 38.

05:30But no one tells me exactly what that means.

05:32Where do I even look?

05:33So the first step here is you want to get a hold of these feelings before they become inappropriate and unwarranted.

05:45Now, I'm going to plant a seed here, Marcus.

05:49If you're like the earlier listener and you just go to zero to 60 and you just snap, you probably need, A, to do some release work on this old emotion.

06:05We've talked in Richer Relationship about mental and emotional release multiple times.

06:10It's a very simple process that helps your unconscious mind to ferret out, uproot, and let go of old hurts and old emotions.

06:19It's a form of guided self-healing.

06:23It's incredibly effective.

06:25It's been studied and validated.

06:29The mental-emotional release process is intensive.

06:33It helps your unconscious mind to do the work.

06:36And your unconscious mind wants to do the work.

06:38It's not like your unconscious mind wants to go from zero to 60.

06:41Now, 10,000 feet up, Marcus and Chris, what I want you to know is that when someone goes from zero to 60 and that's all they got and they just snap,

06:52usually for guys like this, there's a lot of shame somewhere in there, old shame.

06:57Shame is I did something that people shouldn't do and I feel bad about who I am,

07:03as opposed to I have a behavior that isn't working for me and I need to change it.

07:08And so the mental and emotional release process is huge for airing out and releasing shame

07:13and creating strategies for going to zero to 10 or zero to 20 when appropriate.

07:19If you have a lot of shame and you go from zero to 60,

07:22Marcus, the reason why you triggered this response is it's going to be hard for you to just feel your feelings.

07:29Like typically when we have shame, what men have done is they've encapsulated over a lot of emotions with that shame in order to not feel them.

07:38And the only way those feelings can be felt, the reason why they go from zero to 60,

07:41the reason why they snap and explode is eventually that encapsulation fails.

07:46And it just, because feelings have to come out.

07:48They have to be expressed.

07:50They have to be released.

07:51If they're not expressed and released, they literally stagnate and poison us psychically.

07:58Maybe you're not going from zero to 60 all the time.

08:01Maybe it's just happening occasionally.

08:02Maybe you're more like Marcus, who people are just saying,

08:05hey, we want to know what's up with you, bro.

08:07So, the key is to monitor your body, all right?

08:14Emotions don't hang out in our brain.

08:16Even though our brain decides whether the diva is going to come out or how we're going to express,

08:21the brain is a filter for the emotions.

08:24The emotions themselves hang out in our body.

08:28Let me tell you a story.

08:29Let me tell you a personal story.

08:31I played football in high school, and I had kind of a tragic childhood.

08:37I was very angry, but I also grew up way too quickly.

08:40So, I was like a little boy pretending to be a man.

08:43And I went on the football field, and I challenged the whole freaking football team.

08:47I was going to show them all.

08:48And they beat on me.

08:49And they beat on me.

08:50And I took it, all right?

08:51I'll give myself credit.

08:52I thought that's what men do.

08:53They took it.

08:54But what happened was, eventually, one day, I got hit so hard so many times

09:00that I was lying on the ground, and I couldn't breathe.

09:03I was choking.

09:04Well, we went to the doctor.

09:06And the doctor said, this is psychosomatic.

09:09There's nothing wrong with you.

09:10And it wasn't until years later that I realized what was happening was,

09:13when I got hit again and again and again and again and again and again and again,

09:19a part of me just wanted to cry.

09:23It was just so hard.

09:24I felt so alone and isolated and like, why don't they like me?

09:28And why are they hitting me this hard?

09:30But I couldn't let myself cry in that environment because I was a man.

09:33I was a little boy being a man.

09:35The little boy wanted to cry, but he was never going to do that.

09:39I had to lock down on my emotions.

09:44I would feel that hurt in my belly, and it would come up to my throat,

09:49and I would stop it.

09:51And that's why I was choking.

09:52I couldn't do that because I was not going to let that emotion come out.

09:56Emotions happen in our body.

09:59They happen mostly in our gut, our heart, our chest, our throat, our neck.

10:09Sometimes we might feel feelings in our extremities.

10:11When it's really good, we might feel it all over.

10:14But we're going to feel tension in different parts of our body.

10:17If we feel a lot of tension in your neck, you're probably holding a lot of anger,

10:20maybe repressing a lot of anger.

10:22If your shoulders are up like this,

10:23it's usually an indication that you're holding a lot of anger.

10:27Super rational, holding anger.

10:29Won't let myself express it.

10:30It's not okay to express it.

10:32If you have a lot of hurt or sadness,

10:35maybe you slump over, right?

10:36Our body mirrors emotion.

10:40It stores it.

10:42So the first thing would be

10:43trust your unconscious mind.

10:48Marcus, if you want to know what you're feeling,

10:49this is a really long answer, Marcus.

10:51I apologize.

10:51Take a look in the mirror

10:54and look at your face.

10:58What feeling do you see on your face?

11:02Stand in front of a full-length mirror

11:05and look at your body.

11:07Are you a little heavy?

11:08Maybe you're carrying a little defensiveness.

11:10Are you super skinny?

11:11Maybe you're not nurturing yourself.

11:15Ask yourself, am I slumping forward?

11:17Are my shoulders up?

11:18And ask yourself, what's the emotion

11:21that's driving that?

11:26I'm not saying everybody who has their shoulders up is angry

11:28and everyone who's slumped over is sad.

11:29I'm just saying,

11:30if you notice that you're having trouble

11:34standing up straight

11:34and that you don't have a joyful expression,

11:37what is the expression?

11:38And where are you a little hunched over or uneven

11:41and what is the emotion

11:42that is driving that?

11:46There are like reams of studies

11:49that show that physical ailments

11:51start as emotion.

11:55Google it.

11:56All right.

11:57I'm not going to spend the whole podcast

11:58talking about it.

12:01So the first thing we want to do

12:02is we want to figure out

12:03what are we feeling?

12:05The next thing is

12:07we want to develop a vocabulary for it.

12:10And we call this emotional fluency.

12:11There's previous episodes.

12:12Look them up.

12:13Emotional fluency basically means

12:15identify the feeling

12:16and put a word to it.

12:18Here's another clue for a lot of you

12:20guys in particular,

12:21but some women also.

12:23Men generally are not comfortable with

12:26sad,

12:27hurt,

12:29lonely,

12:30and afraid.

12:32Right?

12:32I was so afraid

12:34in that story

12:35I told you about football.

12:36I was so afraid

12:36that they would think

12:37I was a wimp if I cried.

12:39There was no way

12:39I was going to cry.

12:40I'd rather have them think

12:41there was something wrong with me

12:42that I was choking.

12:45Unconsciously.

12:45I didn't consciously think that.

12:47I was,

12:47there's an unconscious decision

12:49that I made

12:49and my unconscious mind

12:51obeyed me.

12:53Now,

12:53the problem with this

12:54is that when we have

12:55a lot of stored emotion

12:55that we're not really

12:56in touch with,

12:58we tend to react

12:59instead of responding.

13:01In the last episode

13:02I talked about being proactive.

13:04Being proactive

13:05is having a planned response.

13:10I reacted

13:10when people hit me

13:11again and again and again.

13:12If somebody really rang my bell,

13:14I would react

13:15by choking.

13:18But if I had

13:19said,

13:20hey,

13:21you know what?

13:21I need to take a few minutes

13:22and stepped off to the side

13:24and had a few tears,

13:26who would that have hurt?

13:28It might have even helped.

13:30Certainly would have helped me.

13:31So responding

13:32instead of reacting,

13:34we have a listener question

13:35from Victor.

13:36He's 49.

13:37He's a writer.

13:39He says,

13:40I'm great when things are calm,

13:41but in the heart of the moment,

13:42I say or do things I regret.

13:44How do I stay grounded?

13:46We talked in the last episode

13:48about breathing.

13:49Pause and breathe.

13:51Really important.

13:51If you're going from zero to 60

13:59and you're listening to this episode,

14:01the next time you go from zero to 60,

14:03you might maybe be able

14:04to get a grip on yourself

14:05and say,

14:07I'm having a very intense reaction.

14:09I got to step out.

14:12If you're really over the edge,

14:14you might need some outside help.

14:18Give me a call.

14:18Step out

14:22and do some breathing.

14:24Maybe step into some prayer.

14:26Walk.

14:27Do something physical.

14:29When you're calm,

14:30come back.

14:31But you need to make a decision

14:33about how you're going to be

14:36emotionally with your partner

14:37that is as powerful unconsciously

14:39as the decision I made

14:41about I'm not going to cry

14:43in front of my team.

14:44Only it needs to be

14:45a healthy decision.

14:47The decision that you're going to make

14:49is going to be,

14:49I am not going to explode

14:51in the presence of my family.

14:53It's not safe for them.

14:54It's not okay for them.

14:55You need to decide that

14:56so powerfully

14:58right from the top of your head

14:59to the tip of your toes.

15:00And not only do you need

15:01to make that decision,

15:02but you need to have a strategy.

15:03And the strategy is going to be

15:04when I explode

15:06or when I have the feelings

15:07that lead to exploding.

15:09Once you make the decision,

15:10you'll probably explode.

15:11And then you're going to say,

15:12oh my God,

15:13I decided I wasn't going to do that.

15:14And what you need to say

15:15to your family is,

15:16oh my God,

15:17I decided I wasn't going

15:18to do this anymore.

15:18I need to step out.

15:19I'm really sorry.

15:20And then you go and reset.

15:21Or you might say,

15:22really,

15:22problem,

15:23but I wasn't going to do this anymore.

15:24I can't believe I'm doing this.

15:25And step out.

15:27And then you need to notice

15:29when you step out,

15:31what was the steps

15:33that took you to 60?

15:36And you need to make a decision

15:38that you're going to catch it earlier.

15:39And so the next time

15:41that you get triggered,

15:42as you start to,

15:43you're going to go,

15:45I made a decision about this.

15:47I'll be back in an hour.

15:49And then you need to do

15:50the same process again.

15:51What were the steps

15:52that led to 50?

15:53Until you find the root thing.

15:55Or you could schedule a call with me

15:58and I'll help you

15:58lift that thing out.

16:00But either way,

16:02your family does not deserve this.

16:05And the only way to train

16:08your neurology,

16:11your system,

16:12your nervous system

16:13to not go there

16:14because you've been going there

16:16and going there

16:16and going there.

16:16You've trained it over years.

16:17Our unconscious mind

16:18has trained your neurology,

16:21this actual structure of your brain

16:22to go there over and over.

16:24The only way to do it

16:25is first to make a decision

16:26and second to act on the decision.

16:29And third,

16:30to do something about the emotion

16:31that's driving it.

16:32Because the truth is,

16:33it's the core emotion.

16:34It's that old hurt

16:35that's driving it.

16:38And get that

16:39just because you understand

16:41what's driving a feeling

16:45and maybe even release it.

16:49This happens sometimes

16:50in mental emotional release work.

16:52Sometimes we release an old hurt.

16:54But neurologically,

16:55we've been going down that road

16:56so many times

16:57that something happens.

16:59We don't have the same reaction,

17:00but we want to go down the road anyway

17:01because it's where we always go.

17:03Right?

17:05Not only do you let go

17:06of the old thing,

17:07but you have to have a strategy.

17:10When you let go

17:11of the old thing

17:11and you have a strategy

17:13and you act on it

17:15and adjust it,

17:17that's when your neurology

17:19starts to change.

17:22Now, the question is,

17:23can you do this at any age?

17:26Darnell, who's 55, said,

17:27I've been this way for decades?

17:29Can a guy in his 50s

17:30actually change

17:31how he reacts emotionally?

17:33And the answer is yes.

17:35Neuroplasticity is not only real,

17:37but it's continuous.

17:40It may be your metabolism

17:41gets slower as you get older.

17:43It may take longer

17:44than maybe when you're in your 20s,

17:46but you can still do it.

17:48You are the clay

17:50that is being molded and shaped.

17:53And when you have

17:54strong relational motivation,

17:55when you love your partner

17:57and you don't want to hurt them

17:58or your children anymore,

18:00when you have a powerful motivator

18:02and you make a strong decision,

18:03that imprints even more intensely.

18:07What I want you to get is,

18:08this isn't a one-and-done deal here.

18:11This is a...

18:12I'm talking about you moving

18:14from being unconscious

18:16and only working on yourself

18:18in a crisis

18:19to working on your neuroplasticity,

18:23doing that brain exercise

18:25we talked about

18:25in the last exercise,

18:27exercising your prefrontal cortex,

18:29exercising your cerebral cortex,

18:31so your amygdala is drinking

18:32and it's getting bigger.

18:33We're talking about doing meditation,

18:34mindfulness prayer.

18:35We're talking about

18:36having practices for a lifetime,

18:38continuing to grow them,

18:40continuing to grow your daily rituals,

18:42continuing to grow the traditions.

18:46In your family.

18:48Have a tradition in your family

18:49that we don't treat each other

18:51like that here.

18:52And when we do,

18:52we take a time out.

18:54You might,

18:55when you make your decision,

18:56go to your family and say,

18:57I've made a decision

18:58and I need your help.

19:00The next time,

19:01if I ever go off like that again,

19:04remind me

19:05that we don't do that here.

19:08We take that emotion somewhere else.

19:12And I promise you,

19:13the next time you go off,

19:15they'll say to you,

19:16hey dad,

19:17we don't do that here.

19:19And you will have

19:20to either honor your commitment

19:22in that moment

19:22or be a liar.

19:25And I know you're not a liar.

19:30Slow, sustainable,

19:32nervous system work.

19:33It's like,

19:34the first time you go to the gym,

19:36you don't want to go.

19:37You go,

19:38afterwards you feel okay.

19:39The second time,

19:40you feel a little better.

19:41The third time,

19:42you feel good.

19:43The fourth time,

19:44maybe you don't go.

19:45And you go,

19:45holy crap,

19:45I was starting a new habit

19:46and I didn't make it.

19:47And then you go the fifth time

19:48and the sixth time.

19:50And after a few months,

19:51it becomes a habit.

19:53And then after a few months

19:54after that,

19:54if you don't go,

19:55you feel bad.

19:57Working on your nervous system

19:58is like working on your body.

20:00Yet that the goal

20:02isn't perfection.

20:03There isn't a perfect

20:04kind of behavior

20:05that we're working towards here.

20:07The goal is to develop

20:09practices

20:10that help

20:12our physical

20:14and our emotional

20:16and our spiritual condition.

20:20Regular practices

20:21so that we can create

20:23safety,

20:24trust,

20:26vulnerability,

20:27and intimacy

20:27in our marriage.

20:29All of this,

20:30the feeling,

20:31the pause,

20:32the presence

20:32prepares you

20:34for a higher level

20:35of emotional strength.

20:36So I want you to get

20:37that this is about leadership.

20:39We're not leading the battle.

20:40It's a battle

20:41with ourselves,

20:42all right?

20:43It's about

20:44being willing

20:48to retrain

20:49yourself.

20:50It's about

20:54also

20:55being willing

20:56to heal

20:57parts of yourself.

20:59I want you to think

21:00of this as

21:01warriors.

21:04Warriors

21:04crane.

21:06Healers nurture.

21:07We're going to embrace

21:08our inner warrior

21:10and our inner healer.

21:12And guess what?

21:13That's the next episode,

21:15the warrior

21:15and the healer.

21:16So stay tuned

21:16to Rich and Relationship.

21:17Like us,

21:19love us,

21:20subscribe.

21:21We want to hear from you.

21:23And in the meantime,

21:23have an awesome day

21:24and an amazing

21:25tomorrow.

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