- 4 months ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Transcription by CastingWords
01:00Transcription by CastingWords
01:30That's no way to encourage business
01:32Morning, Mr. Slinger
01:33Yeah, why aren't those doors open?
01:34Because it's not nine o'clock yet
01:36And according to union regulations
01:37That is the hour at which we open
01:38Your watch is like your union
01:40Behind the times
01:41Open the doors
01:42I can't do that
01:42It's lines of demarcation
01:44Those doors have been locked
01:45And can only be unlocked
01:46By the security man
01:47Well, where the devil is he?
01:48He's in the loo
01:49Said he wouldn't be long
01:49Did you take a newspaper with him?
01:52Yeah
01:52Well, that's it then, isn't it?
01:54By the time he's picked out his selections for Newmarket
01:57It'll be lunchtime
01:58Move
01:58Honey, the key won't turn
02:06You sure it's the right key?
02:08Of course it's the right key
02:09The lock must be jammed
02:11It's been open all the time
02:14It must have been open all night
02:16Well, that's marvellous, isn't it?
02:17That's marvellous
02:18It's a wonder we haven't got a great big sign-up
02:20Saying help yourselves
02:21After business hours
02:23No, no, no
02:24Of course we're open, madam
02:25Sorry about that
02:26Do come in
02:27And I'm sure you'll find everything you want here
02:28Oh, I don't want anything
02:29Brought something back
02:30Oh
02:31Well, in that case, Miss...
02:33Muzz
02:33Miss Muzz will deal with it
02:36I brought these back
02:38What are they?
02:38Chocolate treats
02:39I bought them for my little poodle, Sam
02:42And he doesn't like them
02:43So I'd like my money back
02:45Well, this isn't the bag you bought them in
02:46No, it's disintegrated
02:48I'm sorry we don't do refunds without the bag
02:50But I haven't got the bag
02:51Sorry
02:51It is still going on
02:52What is the problem?
02:53Oh, it's these chocolate treats
02:55I bought them for my Sam
02:57And they're horrible
02:58Well, they look all right to me
02:59Well, Sam didn't like them
03:00He spat them out
03:01Really?
03:07You're right, they are horrible
03:08Uh, Mr Slinger
03:09I'll attend to this lady
03:11Yeah, but Mr Slinger
03:12I will attend to this lady
03:14All right, please yourself
03:16How much did you pay for these, madam?
03:1830p
03:1830p, right
03:19Give the lady 30p
03:21Yes, sir
03:22Anything you say, sir
03:23All right
03:23Mr Hardy
03:24One box, milks, chocolates
03:25Slash
03:26There we are, madam
03:35And please accept these with our compliments
03:36For you and your Sam
03:38Oh, ta, very much
03:39Sam will be pleased
03:41He hasn't been too well lately
03:43Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that
03:44Nothing serious, I hope
03:45He doesn't seem to want to go out
03:47Oh
03:47He just lies there in front of the fire
03:49With his tongue hanging out
03:50Good heavens
03:53Doesn't even stir when I tickle his tummy
03:55Oh, really?
03:56Yes
03:57I had to practically drag him out this morning
03:59Oh, he's with you, is he?
04:00Yes
04:01Yeah
04:01Tied him to a lamppost
04:03Thank you so much for the chocolates
04:07Cheerio
04:08Cheerio
04:09Yeah
04:09Yes
04:11Tied to a lamppost
04:12It was a dog, wasn't it?
04:13That's right
04:14I did try to tell you
04:15Yeah
04:15Well, you try harder than that next time
04:17Otherwise, you'll be tired to your checkout self
04:19Biggins
04:27Morning
04:28Morning
04:29It's prepped me afternoon
04:30Sorry
04:31Yeah, so why are you late this morning?
04:32It was me mum's fault for moving the mirror in me bedroom
04:35Pardon?
04:39Well, when I got up this morning
04:41I looked in the mirror that wasn't there
04:42I didn't see myself in it
04:44And thought I must have gone to work
04:45So I went back to bed again
04:46Party
04:50Morning, Sylvia
04:59Anything interesting in the mail?
05:02Yeah
05:02Michael Caine
05:04I beg your pardon?
05:06He's making a new film
05:07No, I'm not
05:08Not the newspaper
05:10The mail
05:10The letters
05:11Oh, no
05:12Just some circulars
05:13Oh, I see
05:13Yeah, just a minute
05:18It's for you
05:19Who is it?
05:20Says she's your mother
05:21My mother?
05:24I'm an orphan
05:25Well, she does sound a bit far away
05:27Oh
05:29No, it can't be my mother
05:31It must be my ex-wife
05:32Tell her I'm not in
05:33Mr. Slinger says to tell you he's not in
05:36Not very happy
05:39Yeah, well, that makes two of us
05:40I've told her not to phone me at work
05:42I'll give her a piece of my mind
05:44Hello?
05:45Yes
05:45Yes, but
05:47Yes
05:48Yes, but
05:49Yes, but
05:50Yes, but
05:50Yes
05:51Yes
05:52Yes, but
05:53Yes
05:54Yes, but
05:55She's hung up
05:58You really gave her a piece of your mind, didn't you?
06:00Yeah, but I couldn't get a word in, could I?
06:02She's always been the same
06:03Nag, nag, nag
06:04It was the same
06:05It was the same when we got married
06:07But when the vicar said
06:08Would I take this woman?
06:09Before I had a chance to say I do
06:11She said he better add
06:12Do you like a cup of coffee?
06:15Yeah, a cup of coffee
06:15Black with two sugars
06:17A letter
06:20To Mrs. Gladys Slinger
06:22Come in
06:24I'm sick to death
06:27Of your continual harassment
06:28You will not get another penny piece out of me
06:37You ungrateful bloodsucker
06:39As far as I'm concerned
06:42You can take a running jump in the lake
06:44Preferably wearing a pair of lead tights
06:48Say, that's a bit strong, isn't it, sir?
06:51Yes, my ex-wife
06:52She's trying to get more money out of me
06:53If you don't mind me saying so, sir
06:54It's hardly likely to make her feel more kindly disposed towards you
06:57Oh, well, I'm not going to send it, am I?
06:59For goodness sake
07:00I'm going to erase it
07:01There you see
07:02Gone
07:03Why dictate it if you're not going to send it?
07:06Well, it's a habit of mine
07:06A sort of therapy
07:07I dictate insulting letters to people that really make me angry
07:11It gets you all out my system
07:12And then I erase it
07:13Anyway, what did you want?
07:14Is there anything in particular you wanted me to do today?
07:17Oh, yes
07:17See if you can prize that so-called security man of ours
07:21Out of the toilet
07:22And tell him I want to see him
07:23Yes, sir
07:24Coffee
07:24Oh, thank you
07:25I'll drink it on the way down
07:25Well, I wish you'd have spilled some
07:31I could have looked out at the saucer, couldn't I?
07:33I'll get another one
07:33No, hang on
07:34What?
07:34I haven't got time
07:35Mr. Morris is here
07:36Oh, not Misery Morris
07:38The area manager
07:39Yeah, he's in the canteen
07:39Oh
07:40He said, tell Cecil I'll be with him in a minute
07:42He called me Cecil?
07:43Was that your name?
07:44Well, he's never called me Cecil before
07:46He usually refers to me as Slinger
07:48Or if he's in a good mood, you
07:49This can only be one thing
07:52Promotion
07:52Yeah
07:53That new hypermarket they're going to open in a month's time
07:56At Watford
07:57I thought old Prothero might get it
07:59Looks like he's going to be me
08:00Aren't you counting your chickens a little?
08:02No, he called me Cecil, didn't he?
08:04He's obviously recognised my intelligence
08:07My potential, my drive
08:09Your modesty
08:10Yes
08:10Look, let's tidy up before our old Misery comes in
08:14Good morning
08:16Oh, good morning, Mr. Misery
08:17Mr. Morris
08:18Yes, sir, how nice of you to call, sir
08:21I'm pleased to see you, sir
08:23It really is a pleasure to always see you, sir
08:25Yes, it is
08:25Would you like to sit down, sir?
08:27Thank you
08:27Would you care for a cup of tea, sir?
08:28No, I haven't got time
08:29Oh, I see, sir
08:30I suppose you're wondering why I'm here
08:31Yes, sir, but I'd just like to take this opportunity of saying
08:34What an honour and a pleasure it is
08:35To be working for a man such as you, sir
08:38I don't doubt it
08:39Yes
08:39You've been with us quite some time, haven't you?
08:44Cecil?
08:44Slinger
08:45Oh, Slinger, sir
08:46Yes, Cecil Slinger, sir
08:47Cecil Slinger
08:48I understand you wanted to see me
08:51Not now, Fred
08:52Come back later
08:52If it's about the chairs, I'll bring them back
08:55Chairs?
08:55What chairs?
08:56From the canteen
08:57I only took a couple
08:58We had this nice weather last year
09:00And I borrowed them to sit out from the garden
09:02You haven't changed, Fred
09:05Well, I can't say the same for you
09:07You've put on quite a bit of weight
09:09Fred!
09:09Fred, please excuse him, sir
09:11He doesn't know what he's saying
09:12He's been a bit strange lately
09:14I think he's got the men malapores
09:16I mean, the malmen of
09:17Will you stop wittering, Slinger?
09:21Yes, stop
09:22No more wittering, Slinger
09:23Me, sir
09:23Thank you, sir
09:24Man
09:25Fred and I go back quite some way, don't we, Fred?
09:27Indeed we do, Mr. Morris
09:29In fact, Fred was a security man at my first branch
09:32One over 20 years ago
09:34Clapham, you remember, Fred?
09:35Indeed I do
09:36Do you remember Agnes?
09:38Oh, Agnes
09:39She worked on the cheese counter
09:41A big girl
09:41Right scrubber she was too
09:43I wonder what happened to her
09:46I married her
09:47She was a lovely girl
09:54No, you were right first time
09:57She was a...
09:58Right old scrubber
09:59Everybody knew Big Agnes
10:01Anyway, the marriage only lasted six months
10:04Oh, yes
10:04Well, that's life
10:05Absolutely
10:06Oh, by the way
10:07Oh, by the way, I saw your car outside
10:09Yes, what about it?
10:10You hadn't put any money in the parking meter
10:12It's all right, I'm not stopping
10:14Oh, they're very hot around here on parking
10:16But don't worry, I've got one of the girls to feed the meter
10:19Oh, Fred, thank you very much
10:22Not at all
10:23Cheerio
10:24Cheerio
10:25Cheerio
10:26Guys, we need a call
10:27Wonderful character
10:32Yes, I don't know quite what I'd do without it
10:34Um, you know we're looking for someone to run our new hypermarket at Watford
10:40Oh, really, sir?
10:41Really?
10:41At Watford, you say?
10:43At Watford?
10:43Oh, well, what a surprise
10:45Yes, well, look, um, I'd like you to keep this under your hat
10:49Well, you know me, sir
10:50Mum's the word, sir
10:52I'm thinking of Prothero
10:54Yes, well, you can rely on me
10:56Prothero?
10:58Yes, he seems to be the right man for the job
11:00Still, must be going
11:01Lots to do
11:02Oh, you mean you came round just to tell me about Prothero?
11:04Oh, no, no, no, no, no
11:05I came into use of facilities
11:07Good morning
11:08Thank you
11:09What a chick
11:12A letter
11:15Dear Morris
11:16No, start again
11:18Dear Misery Guts
11:20Just a few lines to let you know
11:23That you are like a breath of fresh air
11:26You get right up my nose
11:28I'd also like you to know
11:31That the evil in your heart
11:32Is beginning to show in your face
11:34And, uh, yes
11:36Already you make Quasimodo look like Cupid
11:38In fact, the last time I saw a face like yours
11:42The whole herd had to be destroyed
11:44In closing, I'd just like to remark
11:48That, uh, you are nothing but a loudmouth
11:50Ignorant
11:51Self-opinionated
11:52Fat
11:53Old
11:54Pig
11:54Oh, I'm so glad I got that out of my system
11:57Oh, Mr. Slinger
12:00You'd better come quickly
12:01Mr. Morris is being detained by a traffic warden
12:03Well, I thought one of the girls put some coins in
12:05She had
12:05Five drachmas and a 50% apiece
12:07Oh, no
12:08I'll get the blame
12:10Oh, no
12:11Your signees, please
12:17Yes
12:17Why are you going to check them to make sure there aren't any errors?
12:20No, I can't be bothered
12:21To tell you the truth, Sylvia
12:24I can't wait for today to be over
12:26It's only another two hours, 23 minutes and 40 seconds
12:29Not that I'm clock watching
12:30Thanks for reminding me
12:31Christian
12:31Yes, Mr. Slinger
12:33Will you lick these down and post them?
12:34I've got to get to the bank
12:35Yes, Mr. Slinger
12:36And I'm late now
12:37Oh, dear
12:37Now, did you do that letter to my ex-wife?
12:40Yeah, very smarmy, I thought
12:41Good, but as long as it keeps her quiet
12:42I couldn't care less
12:43Oh, and we put the £10 in, didn't we?
12:45Yeah
12:46Oh, good, fine
12:47And the letter to the frozen food rep?
12:49Yeah, I did that
12:49Good, lovely
12:50And the letter to Mr. Morris?
12:55What letter to Mr. Morris?
12:57One you left on the dictaphone
12:58For one that I left
13:01And you
13:02And I just
13:03Don't panic
13:05Christian
13:06Christian
13:09Christian, did you post those letters?
13:11Uh, no
13:11Good
13:12I gave them to Fred to post
13:14Fred?
13:14You gave them to Fred?
13:16You stupid
13:17Which way did you go?
13:22Uh, that way
13:22Fred?
13:29Fred, a letter
13:30A letter
13:31Oh, good
13:45Thank you
13:45Thank you
13:46Any luck?
14:05No, I've had it.
14:07Don't worry, I'll get your letter back.
14:10Here you are.
14:11What's this?
14:13It's a tin of sardines.
14:15What am I supposed to do with this?
14:16I've built the postman over the head with it.
14:18I've wrapped sellotape around it.
14:20You just dangle it in the letterbox.
14:24If this doesn't work, I'll dangle you in the letterbox.
14:27You want to try?
14:28I suppose so.
14:33Hello? I've got something.
14:36Uh-oh.
14:37What is it?
14:38It's stuck.
14:41Oh, blunts!
14:43I get another one. We've got plenty.
14:45No, hang on, Fred.
14:46This is due to be cleared any minute.
14:48All I've got to do is wait for the postman,
14:50and then when he comes here,
14:51I can ask him for the letter when he empties the box.
14:54Good thinking, Miss Desslinger.
14:56It's easy to see whether made you a manager.
14:58Never mind the soft soap.
15:00You just get back to the store
15:01and make sure we're not being robbed blind.
15:03I'll watch the customers.
15:04It's not the customers.
15:05I'm worried about the staff.
15:14Good afternoon, Postman.
15:15Good afternoon, sir.
15:17Are you going to empty the box?
15:19Yes.
15:20Oh, good.
15:20I thought I'd add it.
15:24No.
15:25Got another couple of minutes yet.
15:27Want to put it in?
15:30Your letter.
15:32Oh, no.
15:32That's where I went wrong in the first place.
15:35Look, I'll give you one last chance to get your letter out.
15:37I can't get it out until you open it.
15:39Why should I open it?
15:40So I can get it out.
15:42Oh, hang on.
15:43I think I've got it.
15:45You've put a letter in the box,
15:46and you want to get it back?
15:47Yes, I posted it by mistake.
15:49Oh, that was a silly thing to do, wasn't it?
15:51Yes, it certainly was.
15:57Hello, what's this?
15:57It's a tin of sardines.
15:59I put it in.
15:59There's no address on it?
16:01No, I wasn't sending it to anyone.
16:02I was just using it to try to get the letter out.
16:07Important, is it, that you get this letter back?
16:08Oh, absolutely vital, vital.
16:10It's addressed to a Mr. Morris.
16:12Oh, yeah.
16:14Here it is.
16:14Oh, good.
16:16Oh, yeah, I can't let you have this.
16:18Once it's put into that box,
16:20it has to be delivered.
16:21Rules and regulations.
16:22Oh, well, can't you make an exception?
16:23No.
16:24Oh, go on.
16:25You can keep the sardines.
16:27No, no, no.
16:29It's more than my job's worth.
16:31Well, look, Postman,
16:32I realise that there's rules and regulations,
16:35and I also...
16:37I'm sure you're an honourable man,
16:38and I can see that you're compassionate and understanding.
16:43And I'm sure on this occasion you can turn a blind eye.
16:47Who do you think I am?
16:48Nelson, this letter is now in the hands of the British Postal System,
16:53and it's going to stay there until it gets delivered to your Mr. Morris tomorrow morning.
16:58What?
17:00Hey, hold on.
17:08Do you mind if I sit here?
17:11Yes.
17:11Something's upset you.
17:16Deb, right, mate.
17:17Something has upset me.
17:19It's about five foot eight,
17:20with a face like a ferret,
17:22and it is sitting opposite me.
17:26What have I done?
17:27What have you done?
17:29I'll tell you what you've done, my son.
17:312.30 Newmarket.
17:32Put a few quid on proper Charlie, you said.
17:34He'll walk it, you said.
17:36You're dead right.
17:37He did.
17:37The trouble is, the other horses were running.
17:41He should have won.
17:42I got that tip right from the horse's mouth.
17:44Yeah, well, he's a liar as well.
17:46I can't understand it.
17:47They've been feeding that horse on champagne and Guinness.
17:49Oh, that explains it.
17:51He was legless.
17:53Hey, hey.
17:55Have you heard the news?
17:56What news?
17:57Well, it's Mr. Slinger.
17:58Well, you see, he dictated an extremely abusive letter to our area manager,
18:01which Sylvia mistakenly typed.
18:04And now it's been posted.
18:06And when Mr. Morris reads it in the morning,
18:08Mr. Slinger will get the sack.
18:13Isn't that marvellous news?
18:21We're not open yet.
18:23Come in.
18:27Hello.
18:28Oh, hello.
18:29Didn't the dog like its chocolates then?
18:31We loved them.
18:32We ate them all last night.
18:33Oh, well, we're not open for another five minutes, actually.
18:37Oh, it's you again, is it?
18:38Just wanted to thank you for the chockeys.
18:41I'm just on the way to the hospital to see my husband, Al.
18:44Oh, yeah, yeah.
18:45Has he been in there long?
18:46Nearly two years.
18:47Nearly two years?
18:49Yes.
18:49Oh, good gracious.
18:50That is a...
18:51That's a long time.
18:52Yes.
18:52Long time.
18:54Well, don't let me keep you.
18:56No, I'd better be off.
18:56Yes.
18:57I don't get there by half past.
18:58It'll be a wasted journey.
19:00Oh, yeah, really?
19:01Why is that?
19:02It'll be too late.
19:03He'll be gone.
19:07Gone?
19:08Yes.
19:09Oh, that's terrible.
19:10That really is terrible.
19:12I'm sorry to hear about that.
19:14Look, why don't you take half a bottle of scotch?
19:16Might cheer up his last moments.
19:19Oh, child, very much.
19:21And don't give up hope.
19:22He might still recover.
19:24Recover?
19:25Yeah, from his illness.
19:26Oh, Elf's not ill.
19:28Yeah, but you said he'd been in the hospital for nearly two years.
19:31That's right.
19:32He's a night porter.
19:34Cheers.
19:35Cheers.
19:40She's done it again, hasn't she?
19:43Do you know, I've got the feeling that she's a shoplifter
19:45who's trying to go straight.
19:52Morning.
19:53Oh, thanks very much.
19:54Just what I needed.
19:57Morning, Fred.
19:58Oh, don't speak to me.
20:00My mouth feels like the bottom of a board cage
20:03and I've got a splitting headache.
20:04Hangover.
20:05Oh, monumental.
20:07If drinking makes you feel so bad,
20:09why don't you give it up?
20:10Give it up?
20:11It's the only pleasure I have.
20:14Morning, everybody.
20:15Oh, morning, darling.
20:16Would you fancy a cup of coffee?
20:17Oh, yes, please.
20:18Yes.
20:19Here you are.
20:20Oh, tough.
20:25Sylvia, if you've got a moment this morning,
20:27I'd like you to take something down for me.
20:29Not during business hours, Mr. Christian.
20:31I'm talking about a letter, Brian.
20:33Oh, I believe you.
20:34Thousands wouldn't.
20:36Right.
20:36Sit down, Sylvia.
20:37Coffee?
20:38Yes, please.
20:38Right.
20:39Oh, a cup of coffee.
20:45What a...
20:46Oh, just dying.
20:47Thank you, Higgins.
20:48Very thoughtful of you.
20:49Oh, Sylvia, Sylvia,
20:50have you heard any word from Mr. Morris?
20:53I don't know.
20:54I've only just got here.
20:55I'll see.
20:56Anyway, I don't even know
20:57if there's anybody in the office yet.
20:59Oh, I see.
20:59Well, you know what he's like,
21:00old misery Morris.
21:01He's in that office for crack of dawn.
21:03Here, what's Ostlinger going to do, then?
21:05Well, he could always plead insanity.
21:07He wouldn't have to plead a lot.
21:11I shouldn't worry about a thing, Mr. Slinger.
21:13Oh, wouldn't you?
21:14No, no, I'm sure you'll have no problem
21:15finding another job.
21:16Oh, but that's very comforting,
21:17I must say.
21:18I mean, all I've got to do
21:19is throw myself on the mercy of Mr. Morris.
21:21There you are, Slinger.
21:21Oh, oh.
21:23You close him, sir.
21:25Oh, I wouldn't have done that for the world.
21:27I wouldn't be.
21:28Oh, what a pity you haven't got a brown suit.
21:30It would have been...
21:31hardly noticeable at all.
21:34I am sorry, sir.
21:35Stop blathering, man.
21:36I'm so sorry.
21:37I really, I really am.
21:39Now, then.
21:44Can you explain this letter?
21:47Oh, yes, the letter, yes.
21:48Well, it was the stress factor, sir.
21:52I mean, why do you want to see me
21:53about tutti-fruities?
21:55Well, you see, when I dictated that letter,
21:57sir, you see, I had no idea that...
21:59Pardon?
22:02You read it.
22:03Oh, this is the letter that I sent to the frozen food rep.
22:08Obviously put it in the wrong envelope, didn't you, sir?
22:10Oh, yeah.
22:11Obviously.
22:11Yes, I obviously did, didn't I?
22:14Sorry.
22:16Yes, well, he must have your letter, sir.
22:18Yes, so what is in my letter?
22:20Ah, well, it was just to wish you good luck
22:22for the new hypermarket at Watford
22:26and things like that, sir.
22:27I see.
22:28Mr. Slinger, I've had a very funny letter from you.
22:31Oh, yes, will you come into my office?
22:32I'll deal with this straight away.
22:34Just a moment.
22:35Are you frozen foods?
22:37Yes.
22:38Well, that letter must be for me.
22:39Oh, I hope not.
22:42Darling.
22:46Please find £10 enclosed.
22:48I'm sorry, I can't afford to let you have
22:51any more money at the moment.
22:52I mean, what is this?
22:57Well, it's a letter that I was sending to my ex-wife, sir.
23:01Yes, well, it seems to me, Slinger,
23:03you are less than efficient.
23:04Yes, sir, I am, sir.
23:05I agree with you, sir.
23:06I'm sorry, sir, and I do apologise.
23:07Yes, and I am not going to stand here all day
23:10listening to you grovelling.
23:11I have more important things to do.
23:13Good day.
23:14Good day, Mr. Morris.
23:15Good day, sir.
23:16And good day to you, too.
23:19Oi, just a minute.
23:20What about my tenner?
23:21You win some, you lose some.
23:34What a relief.
23:35That's over.
23:36That was too close.
23:38Much too close.
23:39Just a moment, Mr. Slinger.
23:40If Mr. Morris got the letter meant for that gentleman
23:43and he got the one you sent your ex-wife,
23:46who got the insulting letter you sent to Mr. Morris?
23:49Mr. Slinger, it's for you.
23:50Oh, hello?
23:52Your ex-wife.
23:53Oh.
23:53Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
23:56I've been...
23:56We got cut off.
24:08Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:11Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:12Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:13Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:14Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:15Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:16Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:17Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:18Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:19Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:20Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:21Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:22Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:23Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
24:24Oh, you have really done it to the last time.
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