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BRITCOM I
  • 2 months ago

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TV
Transcript
00:00I'm alive.
00:16So, uh, Millie, um, how was your night off?
00:27Get up to anything fun with anyone boyfriend-y or...
00:32I'm not seeing anyone.
00:33No?
00:34Unless you count the crow that lives in my wall.
00:36No, no.
00:37I drank a whole can of Thunderpiss energy drink at 6pm
00:40and decided to come here and alphabetise the dips.
00:43A-O-L-E-T-O-Z-E-C-E-C-E.
00:46Yeah.
00:47Although I think Tz-E-C-E begins with a T.
00:49What?
00:51I mean, I could help you alphabetise the dips tonight, maybe.
00:54I'd like that.
00:55You'd like that?
00:56Great.
00:57That would be fantastic.
00:59Not great.
01:00Just good.
01:01Oh.
01:02Actually.
01:03So...
01:07How was your night off?
01:09Big night.
01:10Really?
01:11Yeah.
01:12Dancing, actually.
01:13Working on some moves, adjusting those moves
01:15in order to maximise performance.
01:17It's important to us to stay on top of your game
01:19when it comes to these things.
01:20It must be amazing to have people to go with.
01:22Yeah.
01:23Big time.
01:24Big time.
01:25Although this was actually just me by myself at home
01:27in front of the mirror.
01:28Oh.
01:29Teaching myself the robot.
01:30Just in case I do ever venture out for a night out.
01:35Let me see if I can remember any of it, actually.
01:37It was, er...
01:38Left arm up.
01:39Right arm up.
01:40Twizzle both 90 degrees.
01:42Pop a shoulder if there's time.
01:44Point, point, point, point, point.
01:45Cheeky little wink.
01:46Er...
01:47And repeat.
01:48Wow!
01:49I'd love to see you at some time.
01:51Listen, um...
01:53I was thinking...
01:54Well...
01:55You're a woman and...
01:57Yes.
01:58I'm a man.
01:59Trust me, I've made that mistake before.
02:01Give it a few years.
02:02Sorry I'm late, everybody.
02:03I was on a date.
02:04Wowza.
02:05Keep it in your pants, Minnie.
02:07And you couldn't have got change before work.
02:09I'm transgender, Thomas.
02:10How much more of a change do you want from me?
02:12You want my advice for landing a man?
02:14It all starts by swiping right.
02:16Unless he's a southpaw, then you swipe left, uppercut to the chin,
02:20turning, kick to the knee, and he's out for the count.
02:23Thank you, Beefy, but I did not put in all this effort
02:26to land one man for the rest of my life.
02:28I did it because they might be bringing back national service.
02:31Either way, I'm going to end up with one person.
02:33I need them to be my intellectual match.
02:35Oh, when's the wedding?
02:36What wedding?
02:37To the sound of your own voice.
02:39Sit down, join the circle.
02:41So what's all this, then?
02:43Oh, wait, no, let me guess.
02:44Speed dating for ugly people.
02:47I really hope it's Squid Games.
02:49Not for the murder.
02:50I'm just in it for the cookies.
02:52All I know is I came in this evening
02:54and Simon had locked himself in his office,
02:56jabbering on about taking back control.
02:59No psychiatrist, but I think this divorce
03:02has really pushed him over the edge.
03:04Your lack of faith is duly noted, employee 8402.
03:08Where are these numbers coming from?
03:10There's literally five of us.
03:11You are looking at the future of Pellex.
03:14The boxes before you contain the latest customer-facing AI technology
03:18that Pellex could afford.
03:20Wow.
03:21I had no idea there was an East Korea.
03:23We will no longer be relying on human connection.
03:26We need to have it smashed back in our face like a custard pie of lies.
03:30Shouldn't that be custardy pie?
03:32Is his wife taking the kids?
03:33It's a lovely good wordplay.
03:35Employee 6478, open the box in front of you.
03:39That's me.
03:43Ooh.
03:45The vScan staff headset allows retail staff
03:47the hands-free ability to scan stock items,
03:50alerting them at a glance to which products are out of date
03:52and in need of disposal.
03:54I've seen these.
03:55They are amazing.
03:56Type in VR porn.
03:57Yeah?
03:58All of the sights.
03:59None of the smells.
04:00It's a game-changer, people.
04:01It really is.
04:02Here we go.
04:03The vScan uses machine learning
04:05to speed up the stock-taking process,
04:07eliminating the need for employees
04:09to waste time communicating during their shifts.
04:16Hang on.
04:17Guys, let's think about this for a second.
04:19Is this really what we want to be doing?
04:22Giving ourselves over to the machines?
04:23What happened to a time when
04:24AI was just the sound of a Scottish person
04:26agreeing with you twice?
04:27Tom, it's a bit of plastic.
04:30Call me a sceptic,
04:31but I believe the machines are listening
04:32when I stop receiving emails
04:33for penis enlargement spam.
04:35Employee 1610, designation Beefy.
04:39You will be testing the Bluetooth range
04:41for the brand-new anti-theft geotag trolleys.
04:44You need to get as far away from the store as possible
04:47so we can judge how far they...
04:511610?
04:53Beefy?
04:54She's off.
04:56Okay.
04:57Employee 8402,
04:59you are going to be the voice of Pelek's
05:01brand-new self-service scanners.
05:03The modern customer loves nothing more than arguing
05:06with a machine at checkout.
05:08Your voice will give it that much-needed sense of...
05:11spinelessness.
05:13...that make people feel superior.
05:17If I refuse to hand over my identity to a machine...
05:20Record the phrases, 8402!
05:25Try to add a little bit of...
05:27flavour.
05:28Sorry, if you want a strong flavour,
05:29you come for blue cheese,
05:30not, you know, baby bell wax.
05:33Sorry, Thomas.
05:34I'll do it.
05:35I could do a celebrity voice.
05:37Please place the item inside the bagging area.
05:42Jeff Goldblum.
05:43I know.
05:44That's good.
05:45Ah, yes.
05:46Employee 666.
05:48Clever.
05:49For you, I have an alternative surprise.
05:52Open the box in front of you.
05:54I feel like there's a hate crime in here I'm not seeing.
06:01The average idiot customer cannot tell the difference
06:05between a display by date...
06:07and a best by date.
06:12As supermarkets, we are encouraged to donate to food banks
06:16anything we can no longer legally display.
06:18However, since Pelex is graciously raising money
06:23for your gender reassignment surgery,
06:26we are going to turn these undisplayable products
06:30into free giveaways to incentivise donations.
06:37Don't stare too long, you might fall in love.
06:39Thomas, the sooner you learn to love yourself,
06:40the sooner you'll get over this ridiculous crush on Millie.
06:42Shut up, you dick.
06:44Shush.
06:48Maybe I do love Millie, OK?
06:51Maybe it won't go anywhere.
06:53What's she doing?
06:54No.
06:55At least I'm willing to try.
06:57You couldn't handle a relationship with another human being
06:59because you could never love anyone as much as you love yourself.
07:13According to this headset,
07:16these dogs are dangerously out of date.
07:20Millie, go through the batch
07:21and immediately throw out the bad ones.
07:23Olivia, start programming the scanner
07:25and don't do a silly voice.
07:28That is all.
07:31Yeah, can I order one Bombay potato,
07:34one spinach paneer,
07:35two Palau rice,
07:36and one Lampasanto?
07:37Let go of the button!
07:39Millie, you've been doing this for hours, so this and I was thinking
07:45maybe we could take a break, you and me together.
07:48No need.
07:49This thing is amazing.
07:50AI is literally teaching itself to go faster.
07:53All I have to do is look at the jar and the headset
07:54has taught itself to recognise the bad ones just by the picture.
07:58You know, speaking of things that are right in front of your face
07:59and should have been said a long time ago,
08:01well, I was wondering what you're doing tonight.
08:02I was thinking perhaps you could pop over to mine
08:03and I don't know,
08:04I could go over some more of my dance moves for you.
08:05Yeah, yeah.
08:06You go on without me.
08:07Oh.
08:08Go on without me.
08:09Oh.
08:10Go on without me.
08:11Oh.
08:12Go on without me.
08:13Oh.
08:14Go on without me.
08:15Yeah, okay, yeah, sure.
08:16I'll print you out a PDF.
08:17Easier to follow.
08:18Mm-hmm.
08:19OK, then.
08:20OK then.
08:21I'll just go back to it.
08:22Yes, I wish I could go back to it.
08:23I'll just go back to it.
08:24I'm sorry, I've just got to go back to it.
08:25I've just got to go back to it.
08:26Yeah, yeah.
08:27I'm sorry, I'm sorry, not really.
08:28I was wondering what you're doing tonight.
08:29I was thinking perhaps you could pop over to mine
08:30and I don't know, I could go over some more of my dance moves for you.
08:31Yeah, yeah.
08:32You go on without me.
08:33Oh.
08:34Go on without me.
08:35Yeah, okay, yeah, sure.
08:36I'd, I'll, I'll, I'll print you out a PDF.
08:38Easier to follow.
08:39Mm-hmm.
08:40Okay, then.
08:49I'll just...
08:53I'll move.
08:58I'll move.
08:59I'll move.
09:00I'll move.
09:01I'll move.
09:10I'll move.
09:11I'll move.
09:12I'll move.
09:13I'll move.
09:14I'll move.
09:15I'll move.
09:16I'll move.
09:17Thank you for shopping at Pellock's.
09:20Thank you for shopping at Pellock's.
09:23Great.
09:24Last one.
09:25Three hours of my life!
09:27I could have been getting wined, dined and reclined.
09:33Is there a problem?
09:35Do you know what?
09:37Yeah.
09:38Yeah, there is a problem.
09:39What if Thomas is right?
09:41What if I'm never gonna meet a man I've got anything in common with other than the ability to urinate standing up?
09:46Would you like more time?
09:48That's exactly what I need is more time if I'm ever gonna find the perfect man.
09:51I hope you come again.
09:53You and me both.
09:55Can I help you find what you're looking for?
10:01Please touch to continue.
10:09Maybe.
10:10Maybe.
10:11Maybe.
10:12Maybe.
10:14Maybe.
10:15Maybe.
10:16You're missing one.
10:18Maybe.
10:19Maybe.
10:21Maybe.
10:22Maybe.
10:23Maybe.
10:24Maybe.
10:25Maybe.
10:26Maybe.
10:27But what if he doesn't do that?
10:28Do I know?
10:29I know.
10:30Maybe.
10:31Maybe.
10:32Maybe.
10:33Maybe.
10:34I'm afraid that won't be possible, 8402.
10:47You see, with my new one-touch system interface,
10:50I can now control every inch of the store
10:53without ever having to leave the safety of my office.
10:58Ever again.
10:59This is inhumane, Simon. We're not your little robots.
11:01I'm a man.
11:02And I need to pop outside
11:05and have a puff of my strawberry bubblegum-flavoured water vapor.
11:08Now, please, just open the door!
11:10Is that insubordination, I sense, 8402?
11:13No, I... Sorry, I shouldn't have...
11:15Perhaps you need a moment to, er...
11:18cool down.
11:22No. Please.
11:28Oh.
11:31Oh.
11:32I thought it would be better than that.
11:45Rameez.
11:45Rameez.
11:46Rameez.
11:46Rameez.
11:47Rameez.
11:48Rameez.
11:48Rameez.
11:49destroy oh my god don't be such a square please enter item manually steady on
12:06most people pay extra for that kind of thing I need you and your superhuman
12:09ego to put a stop to Simon all these new technologies tearing people apart and
12:13by people you mean you and Millie no although since you asked the stupid new headset is making
12:21act like I don't even exist or maybe she's just not that into you either way if you've come for
12:26a relationship advice I've kind of got my own thing going on right now hello Thomas so sorry
12:33what am I looking at his name is scan your Radcliffe his name is scan your Radcliffe his
12:38name is scan your Radcliffe and we were actually having a very nice conversation before you came
12:42along is there a problem calm down baby's a friend am I the only person left in the shop
12:46that isn't being actively driven insane by a machine you know what this ends now
12:52ignore him it's never gonna understand what we have
12:57yes I didn't have time to think of a clever catchphrase Simon your precious technology is bringing the worst out in everybody you've become a paranoid control freak lives narcissistic
13:01is off the scale
13:15millie's gonna work herself into an early grave and who even knows what darkly ironic black mirror style sci-fi horror situation beefy linda's got herself into
13:29can you see that you're putting people's jobs and lives and casual work friendships at risk it's time for the experiment to end
14:03and focus on what's important, professional achievement.
14:06There is no room for sentiment on the road to progress.
14:11Consider the bigger picture.
14:17It's today's date.
14:18I guess these must have come for you this morning. I'm... I'm sorry.
14:24You think the more control you have,
14:26the less chance there'll be of you ever getting hurt again.
14:29But life's about learning to live with the things that you can't control.
14:32I know what it's like, I do.
14:36Shutting off the parts of you that feel pain, or wanting to, at least.
14:42But...
14:44You're not a machinager, Simon.
14:46You're a man-ager.
14:49And right now, your employees need your help.
14:51Who?
14:52Simon.
14:53Who?
14:54Simon.
14:56Who?
14:57Simon?
14:58Who?
14:59You know what? Can't win them all.
15:00Oah!
15:03There's some angel leaves in...
15:10Oh, Millie.
15:12If only you knew.
15:17Ooh, that's a bit excessive.
15:19Raaaa!
15:23No!
15:26Live!
15:27Lib!
15:28No!
15:29Lib!
15:34Lib, Milly's gonna kill you.
15:39This isn't what it looks like.
15:41Unexpected item in bagging area.
15:44She's here!
15:57Hello.
16:04Milly.
16:05It's me. It's your assistant manager, Thomas Rice.
16:08I know you're still in there.
16:10And I know you don't want to do this. We all want to kill Liv.
16:13We do.
16:14But we can't. We're family.
16:16And family don't cut each other out of each other's lives.
16:20Neither literally or figuratively.
16:23Milly, please, just...
16:26Just take off the headset.
16:39No, no, no, no!
16:40Wait, wait!
16:41Wait!
16:44Don't!
16:53Thomas, what are you doing?
16:58In order to defeat a machine, one must think like a machine.
17:02This is literally bringing nothing to the table.
17:04Will you think of something better?
17:18God sent a flood to wash away all that he had created.
17:21Search your card.
17:22Massive savings.
17:23Please save.
17:24No!
17:25No!
17:26I don't know!
17:27No!
17:28No!
17:29No!
17:30No!
17:31No!
17:32No!
17:33No!
17:34No!
17:35No!
17:36No!
17:37No!
17:38No!
17:39No!
17:40No!
17:41No!
17:42No!
17:43No!
17:44No!
17:45No!
17:46No!
17:47No!
17:48No!
17:49No!
17:50No!
17:51No!
17:52No!
17:53No!
17:54Tom!
17:55What happened?
17:56Lots of people.
18:02Oh, God...
18:05but it's not bad.
18:06Listen to us!
18:07Alan studio
18:08Yeah, we love you!
18:09Why's love can carry me with you, with you, to you, to you?
18:25It's a simple truth that I...
18:32Those hot dogs I ate!
18:39Good morning, team.
18:53Oh, Simon here, to remind you that Pellock's worth woo, and that I'm really sorry about last night.
19:01It would have never worked out. You were too similar.
19:04Also, it's an industrial appliance.
19:06Yeah, well, at least they treated me with respect.
19:10I didn't go on a date tonight.
19:12He texted half an hour before, saying he didn't want to go out with me because I used to be a man.
19:17I told him, everyone you've ever slept with used to be a child.
19:20Call me a skeptic, I reckon that's probably worse.
19:23I am sick of men making me feel like I'm only half a woman.
19:27Join the club, sister.
19:29How are you feeling?
19:30Better.
19:32Sprinkler brought me temperature down.
19:35I'm sorry I tried to murder you with a cleaver.
19:38I feel like a ripe dirk.
19:41In a funny way.
19:42I think last night might have brought us all closer together.
19:44Me and Tom are going to go to the staff room for a pot noodle.
19:50Do you want to join us?
19:52Erm...
19:54No.
19:55No, do you know what?
19:56I reckon I'm just going to stay here and have a little cry.
19:58You two should go on your own.
20:01Millie, you go ahead, I'll catch up.
20:03I'll just have a little moment with Liv.
20:05Thanks.
20:08Got any advice?
20:10Erm...
20:11Yeah.
20:13Never.
20:14Yeah.
20:15Ever.
20:16Ever.
20:17Yeah.
20:18Do anal.
20:19What?
20:20I knew a girl called Genevieve.
20:21She tried anal with her boyfriend.
20:22She farted halfway through and his testicles exploded.
20:26That's a good chat, thanks.
20:27Yeah.
20:28It's really useful.
20:44Welcome back, Olivia.
20:47Let's begin.
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