- 5 months ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00THE END
00:07Son!
00:10Simon, come as soon as you can!
00:12It's bad!
00:15Man in the toilet!
00:19Oh, God, no.
00:25Is that Olivia?
00:27Yeah, I mean, we're still trying to figure that one out.
00:31Evening, chicos.
00:34What are you both doing in the ladies?
00:36It's not, it's...
00:39Millie.
00:40Millie!
00:41Millie!
00:43No, no, you shouldn't be in here, so let's...
00:46A little bit transphobic.
00:47Move that away.
00:48Just move, just move.
00:50It's...
00:51She's got a right to see it.
01:01Liv, are you sure we're not going to get caught?
01:06It's my first week, I don't want to lose my position.
01:09Speaking of positions.
01:11Oh, my God. Oh, God.
01:13Sorry.
01:14Me and the new boy, Mike, were making babies in the warehouse.
01:16What have I missed?
01:17Sex education, apparently.
01:19Liv, I'm going to need that condom back.
01:21It's the only one I've got.
01:22Keep walking, Mike.
01:23OK, sorry.
01:24You don't seem too concerned about the whole hate crime in the bathroom thing.
01:28Oh, you call that a hate crime?
01:29Sorry.
01:30Sorry, she would talk about these fugly arse posters of me all over the store.
01:33Look, if Pellex wants to fundraise for your new vagina, I don't see why you're complaining.
01:36Plus, I'm sure Mike could do with a little bit more variety down there.
01:39It ain't about the fundraiser, Thomas.
01:40It's about the fact that you and Simon decided to put these posters up without consulting me.
01:44To be honest, I'm getting a little bit sick of being ignored.
01:46So before you spin off into your own little private episode of CSI Pellex to catch the graffiti bandit this evening,
01:55it might behoove you to ask my opinion for a change.
01:58Hello?
01:59Hello?
02:00At 2200 hours tonight, transphobic graffiti was found in the women's toilets.
02:08Now, I can only assume that this vile display was aimed at our new employee, Olivia.
02:15We're sorry.
02:16Pellex is sorry.
02:17From the tippity-top big Jim Pellex himself all the way to the lowliest shitshoveler, Millie.
02:23I'm not saying definitely check beefy Linda's handbag, but I'm pretty sure the lipstick on the mirror matches her shade.
02:28Touch my shit, that'll be the shade of your arse.
02:30Is that an offer?
02:31Is that a wig?
02:32Hey, hey, enough of this.
02:34You know, I like a lolz like all of us, but this isn't the time.
02:38Now I've put Thomas, the system manager in charge of catching this son of a bitch.
02:45Or...
02:46Can I, can I say daughter of a bastard?
02:48That covers all bases, doesn't it?
02:50Daughter of a bastard responsible.
02:53Make no mistake, we shall apprehend this gender neutral boogie person before the end of the night shift.
02:59Sorry, can I see in the office, darling?
03:06Oh no, don't jump.
03:11He's got a suicide beard, just trying to shut the window.
03:18Please.
03:19Simon, if this is about me and Mike, I don't know what you think you saw in your sordid little CCTV cameras,
03:24but what me and another employee do in the privacy of a cold storage unit with our combined genitals...
03:29Shhh.
03:30Please.
03:35I need your help.
03:38I said, I said I need your help.
03:40What?
03:41My wife and I are going through a bit of a bad patch.
03:50She says I spend too much time here, I've lost my sense of adventure.
03:56She calls me fatty boom boom.
03:58Yeah.
04:00She has suggested we have dinner, and I suggested we have it here, just so I can keep an eye on the place.
04:05You're going to have dinner in the office?
04:07With a wife that says you spend too much time in the office?
04:10As a valued transgender employee who better qualify to make this dinner a success
04:18than someone who knows exactly what me and my wife are going through.
04:22Someone who can do javelin and shot put.
04:26Weird sporting analogies aside, I'm getting a little bit sick of you thinking that you can use me being transgender
04:31to your advantage.
04:33Let me just have a look at my piece of paper.
04:35Because it says here last week you accidentally booked a mammogram and a prostate exam on the same day.
04:41Which, as I explained, was definitely not an excuse to go and see a magic mic matinee.
04:46I don't know.
04:47Owe me.
04:48You owe me.
04:49Now as the lead investigator and sole member of the hate crime task force, I've asked you here to recreate the offensive image found in the women's bathroom.
05:00We match the picture to the person, we find our transphobe.
05:06Why have you drawn Olivia upside down?
05:09No, no.
05:10Those are pubes.
05:14Wow.
05:15Beefy.
05:16That's, er...
05:17Beefy.
05:18It's actually really good.
05:19When are you going to reopen the women's toilet?
05:21I had a petrol station pasty for dinner and it's like the third act of Shawshank Redemption back there.
05:27Oh, great film.
05:28No one in, no one out.
05:29It remains a crime scene.
05:31And I'll remind you I am your assistant manager.
05:33So why does your badge say Ass Man?
05:37Ass Man?
05:38Does it?
05:40Olivia!
05:41Maybe don't give out marker pens when there's a vandal on the loose.
05:43Yeah, okay, thank you.
05:45Michael, you've...
05:46You've written your own name, mate, and you've spelt it wrong.
05:49Is that spelt...
05:50Sorry, is that not what we're supposed to do?
05:51No, it's not what we're supposed to do.
05:53That's what we're supposed to do.
05:54Wow.
05:55Yeah, that's really, really good.
05:56Isn't it?
05:57You look exactly like her willy as well.
05:58Just draw the picture, man!
06:01I might just copy yours.
06:07I've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of everybody that might have a problem with you.
06:10This is everyone that works here.
06:12Well, I was extrapolating from your personality.
06:15The vandal is someone who is most likely jealous of your fundraiser.
06:18I'd say a nice try, but even for you, this is really, really lazy.
06:29Please tell me I haven't done it to all of them.
06:31Well, don't look at me, Thomas.
06:32I don't know if you've heard, but there is a vandal on the loose.
06:35Guess you're going to want to take all these ugly posters down now, huh?
06:39Millie?
06:40Yes?
06:41I'd like you to take a pen and cover up all the rude words on those posters.
06:46They're staying up.
06:48You heard the man, Millie.
06:49I'm on it.
06:51That'll pay off in a few hours.
06:56Liv.
06:57Hi.
06:58I've been thinking, um...
07:01Well, you know, just about how much I like you and how I think you're great, you know, really.
07:07It's just...
07:09Well, what I wanted to say was, with the graffiti and everything,
07:14I just didn't plan for this much attention, and so, well...
07:18Well, I think we should stop seeing each other.
07:22Oh, OK.
07:24I didn't realise we were seeing each other.
07:26Just...
07:27I guess I've always thought of you more like a dildo with kind eyes.
07:30Does that mean no more, erm, casual sex in the warehouse?
07:34Erm...
07:37OK.
07:39It's fine.
07:41It's a shame, though, because...
07:44of the baby...
07:47The...
07:48Er...
07:49Sorry.
07:50Erm, what baby?
07:51Yeah.
07:52Congratulations.
07:53We are having a baby.
07:54It's a bum baby.
07:56One in 44 million chance, apparently.
07:58Oh, but it is up there.
08:00Shame it's gonna grow up without a dad, but I hear they are resilient little things.
08:06OK, erm...
08:08Olivia.
08:10I'm gonna be there.
08:11Yeah?
08:12Yes.
08:13OK.
08:14For, for, for, for you, and, and, and for the baby.
08:16Less important, but, yeah.
08:18Oh, my God.
08:20Can I...
08:22Oh, OK.
08:27Hello.
08:29My name's Michael.
08:31I'm gonna be your dad.
08:32Oh, OK.
08:33Me and your mum are gonna name you Spider-Man.
08:35Are we?
08:37It's after my uncle.
08:38Mmm.
08:43The answer's right in front of me.
08:44The answer is right in front of me.
09:02Oh!
09:03It's dead!
09:07Olivia, you don't need a load of fancy ingredients to make a romantic meal.
09:11I'd be amazed what I can do with a courgette.
09:14No, Simon, trust me, you'd be amazed what I can do with a courgette.
09:17Now, look, your wife says you've lost all sense of adventure.
09:20What better way to prove her wrong than with an adventurous meal?
09:23I'm thinking marzipan. I'm thinking pick-a-lily.
09:26No, no, she's allergic to pick-a-lily.
09:28What better way to make a woman tingle?
09:30Call me a prude, but I'm not going to poison my wife
09:32just to spice up our marriage.
09:34It feels like one step forward and two steps back.
09:37Well...
09:38You know, on our first date, the restaurant we were going to misplaced our booking,
09:42so I ended up cooking her a three-course meal using a premier in trouserpress.
09:47Right.
09:48What I'm saying is the way to a woman's heart...
09:50Don't touch those.
09:51Sorry. It's through her stomach.
09:53Spoken like the world's worst surgeon. Now go get us some licorice and parmesan.
09:57Yes, sir!
09:58I mean... woman.
10:04Heard about the bum baby, by the way. Muzzletoth.
10:06Question. When are you going to let us start using the toilets?
10:09The female staff are starting to call you no-shit Sherlock.
10:12Found a clue.
10:14Phone at the scene of the crime.
10:16Screen was compromised, but, er...
10:19managed to get these off the mainframe.
10:21Oh, but when I need help scrubbing my browser history, suddenly you're Forrest Gump.
10:24Porn. Porn. Porn. Porn. Porn.
10:28Someone's dinner. No, it's...
10:30You're right, that's porn. Well done, Thomas.
10:32If we were twelve, this would be the find of the century.
10:34You're imagining things.
10:36Sushi is fancy, but raw fish has been done to death. I give you raw chicken. Japanese call it Tori Sashi.
10:57Okay. I mean, if you think this will help, I will try anything.
11:02Oh, Christ, that's my wife! She's here early. Just hide. Pretend to be a lamp or something.
11:07What?
11:08Get in with the coats.
11:10Oh, hey. Hi.
11:13Um...
11:14Simon is a little bit busy right now, but if you give it two minutes, then you and I can, you know...
11:22Have sex in the warehouse again.
11:23Yeah. Um, actually, Liv, I just... I didn't come to... I came to talk to you.
11:27Um, I've thought about this a lot.
11:29Doubt that.
11:30I'm just not ready to be a dad, okay? I can't do it.
11:33It's the... the crying. The nappies. And... Oh, my God, the birth.
11:38What if I cut the umbilical cord and I cut the wrong thing?
11:40Hey, hey, hey, hey. Then he'll be just like his mum, okay?
11:43Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna get you through this.
11:46It's just really important that we stay together, okay?
11:49Ideally sexually.
11:51I'm sorry, Liv. I mean it this time, okay? I'm done.
12:04Pull it, Mike!
12:08Okay.
12:11It's the wrong room.
12:23What are you doing?
12:26No employee of mine is gonna be raising a baby on their own.
12:29I'm sorry I have to ask this.
12:32Um, the transgender thing is completely new to me.
12:35Is it maternity or paternity?
12:39Simon...
12:41It's both. I'm entitled to both.
12:43Here we go.
12:44Here at Pellocks, we take care of each other.
12:47I...
12:48We...
12:50Will always be here for you.
12:55Hmm...
12:57Hold that thought.
13:01Hm.
13:02Maybe you.
13:04Did you see?
13:05I...
13:06...
13:07I...
13:08Was it...
13:10Yeah!
13:11I...
13:12I...
13:14I...
13:15I...
13:16I...
13:17I...
13:18Woo!
13:21Woo!
13:30Yeah!
13:31Hey!
13:48What?
14:12What's in it?
14:13You tell me.
14:15Somebody left it outside the store and I can only assume it was left for you by the hate crime bandit.
14:25Hmm.
14:26So we know the criminal is a formal person with teeth.
14:35Simon.
14:36Oh.
14:37It's clear the shop means more to you than I do.
14:39I'm sick of giving you chances.
14:41Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
14:43Lots of stuff about sexual inadequacy.
14:45Personal hygiene.
14:46Yep.
14:47There it is.
14:48She's asking for a divorce.
14:50Now I feel like a prick.
14:52Maybe the wife did it before.
14:54Woo!
14:55Millie!
14:56Sorry.
14:57Right, right, right, right.
14:58Right, right, right.
14:59Right, right.
15:00Right, right, right, right, right.
15:02Hello.
15:11She's not coming, is she?
15:13Well, it's not like we went to a lot of trouble, is it?
15:19I know you said I should be adventurous, but I just felt like I needed to cook something from the heart.
15:32Simon. That's like the fourth best thing I've ever put in my mouth.
15:38Your wife left you a box of things at the front of the store.
15:43Did she leave a note? No, there wasn't a note. It was just a box of things.
15:46It's really strange. I mean, my wife would definitely have left a note.
15:52Really?
15:56What's that at the window? Oh, here it is.
15:59Yep, it's the note from your wife that I will now read to you instead of giving to you for reasons that are not very important.
16:05So let's do this. Dear Simon.
16:08She only calls me Simon when she's angry. Or when she's around.
16:12Dear Simon, you have probably figured out by now that I would like a divorce.
16:18Aww.
16:20But I am too chicken shit to tell you that in person because you are such a handsome fancy boy.
16:28I know you to be a deeply caring man. The love you have for your staff is very clear.
16:34Especially Olivia, who I know respects you deeply, despite the fact that she never really shows it.
16:40It's really weird because I've never mentioned you at home.
16:44Rude.
16:46I have left you this box of mementos as a reminder of our love, signed, your wife's name.
16:54Which you already know, and that's the end of the letter.
16:57Yeah, well, I mean, knowing Frida, she would have left a detailed breakdown of each and every item inside that can't.
17:02Really?
17:03Yeah.
17:04Okay.
17:06What's that at the window again? Oh, here it is on the other side.
17:09Okay, here we go.
17:13This is your toothbrush.
17:15Because your smile always made me smile.
17:19The same way when you see somebody yawn or do some sick.
17:22Yeah.
17:24Then there's this.
17:26A tiny bag of, um, what I can only assume is our dog's still warm detritus.
17:35Because, while I can't bear to part with him at this difficult time, I want you to remember him as the dog he was.
17:44Incredibly well fed, apparently.
17:47Stop.
17:49Stop.
17:50I think it's clear from my wife's note that she's trying to let me down gently.
17:56And if my wife were here, I would tell her that I really appreciate this gesture.
18:07Cheers.
18:15Thank you all for coming.
18:16I've gathered you here this evening because it's-
18:18We can't hear a word you're saying.
18:20Fine.
18:22This probably isn't the answer you're expecting, but after considering all the evidence and investigating all of you, the hate crime bandit is...
18:32It could have been any one of you.
18:37Wait, is that it?
18:41I had to take a piddle in a hollowed-up pumpkin.
18:44Beefy Linda spent the night shaking mini turds out of her jeggings like it was the prison yard scene in Shawshank Redemption.
18:49Great film.
18:50Great film.
18:51Andy Defray.
18:53Look, you all clearly had a bone to pick with Liv, and if I'm honest, it took me longer than expected to go home and get the hat, so I'd appreciate it if you-
19:02It was me.
19:05What?
19:06I drew the lady with the boobs in the- in the mirror.
19:11Mike.
19:12I was horny, alright? I was really horny.
19:15Hornier than I've ever been, perhaps more than any man has ever been.
19:18And so I decided to go to the gents, you know, to take care of things.
19:24But, oh God, it was disgusting in there.
19:29So I crossed to the ladies, and I was gonna look at some porn on my phone.
19:38But I lost my phone.
19:40I was gonna leave, but then I saw the lipstick by the sink, and I just began to draw, you know, from memory.
19:56I'm sorry.
19:58But I didn't draw the penis.
20:00No, that wasn't me.
20:02As God is my witness, I did not draw that Willie.
20:07I'm sorry.
20:08So we're supposed to believe that you're stupid enough to lose your phone in a locked cubicle?
20:14Yeah, no, that tracks.
20:15No.
20:17No one half confesses to a crime.
20:19Why would Michael admit to drawing the cartoon but not the penis?
20:25Baby, don't give out marker pens when there's a vandal on the loose.
20:27I don't know if you've heard, but there's a vandal on the loose.
20:29I feel like the answer's right in front of me.
20:36It was you.
20:38This whole time.
20:39What?
20:41Oh, yeah. It was me.
20:43Why would you fake a hate crime against yourself?
20:46Thomas.
20:48I tried telling you at the beginning of the evening that everything was fine.
20:51But you lot were so determined to get offended on my behalf that you turned a non-issue into fake panic.
20:57Why don't you explain to all these lovely people what is so inherently offensive about the image of a woman with a penis?
21:05Well, I went into that bathroom and I saw a picture of a lady and I added a chunky cock because it made me smile.
21:10But at the end of the day, the only real villain at the end of this fucked up fairy tale is just another straight white man wanking where he shouldn't be.
21:19At this point, I would drop a mic, but I haven't got a mic.
21:24Mike, lay on the ground.
21:25I've just got quite dodgy knees.
21:26Do what the lady says, Mike.
21:29God.
21:31Now, Simon, if you'll kindly fire wanksy down there, we can all get back to work.
21:35With pleasure.
21:36You're fired, Mike.
21:38I've found a penny.
21:48You know, it's so ironic...
21:49The fuck are you playing at, Thomas?
21:50You don't just walk up next to somebody and start talking.
21:52That is a mad way to start a conversation.
21:55Sorry.
21:56It's just I had a really cool line.
21:57It's alright if I use it.
22:01Yes, do the line.
22:02Thanks.
22:04You know, it's ironic.
22:05I spent all evening looking in that mirror, but the one person I didn't see was myself.
22:09Fuck, that's actually really good.
22:11Yeah, thanks.
22:14Listen, I'm sorry about blowing things out of proportion this evening.
22:17You're right.
22:18I should...
22:19I should listen to you more.
22:20It's okay, Thomas.
22:21It's all about the long game.
22:24Oh.
22:25Last one.
22:27Vamos.
22:33Hit there.
22:36Touché.
22:37Badadadadadaa-
22:38Badadada-
Be the first to comment