- 5 months ago
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00:00You don't find it slightly ironic that you, of all people, are making fun of somebody
00:23for changing their appearance?
00:24Tom, you can have frosted tips or a frosty personality.
00:27You can't have both at the same time.
00:28Take your hat off.
00:29Let's see it again.
00:34They're only supposed to frost the tips.
00:37How am I supposed to know where the tip ends?
00:39Spoken like every college boyfriend ever.
00:43Millie.
00:43Thomas.
00:45Wow.
00:47Um, you look like a young father Christmas.
00:51Yeah?
00:51Yes.
00:54Millie, Tom and I would love to stay and make small talk,
00:57but I think that technically counts as a hate crime, so we're going to go.
01:00Oh, come on now, Liv.
01:01I want to peg you for a grumpy guts.
01:03Ooh.
01:04Yeah.
01:06You couldn't peg me if your life depended on it.
01:11Hang on, Millie, have you been working in the dark?
01:14I've only just turned the lights on.
01:15Yeah, I came in early to get a head start on my list, but I couldn't find the light switch.
01:19But then I was like, well, me and now, and these Kiwis aren't going to move themselves,
01:22except the ones that did.
01:24And I'm just realising now those might have been rats.
01:27Right.
01:27Listen, uh, Millie, um, Liv and I are actually done here now, so I was, um,
01:35I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to join me in getting a head start on reorganising
01:39some of the breakfast cereals according to roughage content.
01:41Ooh, you've read my mind.
01:42Yeah?
01:43Yeah.
01:43Not really, though.
01:44I was thinking about micropigs.
01:47Micropigs.
01:48We're just going to go and chat about micropigs and, please, tell me more.
01:52Oh, really?
01:53Um, yeah, can we go on, Liv?
01:55So, micropigs are the kindest animals to walk the planet.
01:59No, yeah, go on, you go without me.
02:01It's fine, I'll just, um, I'll just stay here and swivel on a pair of barbecue tongs.
02:19Okay, listen up, everyone.
02:21Thank you very much.
02:22Uh, we have a big health and safety inspection coming up.
02:25Now, call me crazy, uh, but I think we can improve on this number,
02:30but only if we start taking health and safety more...
02:34Seriously?
02:38Seriously.
02:39Now, to that end, I thought we could do a bit of roleplay.
02:42Ooh.
02:42So, let's imagine for a second you're at the deli counter cutting meat,
02:47and, uh, guy, simple guy, nice guy, let's call him Simon,
02:51approaches to ask a very innocent question about, oh, I don't know, bin rotors.
02:57In that situation, what shouldn't we do with a butcher's knife?
03:00What shouldn't we do with a butcher's knife?
03:01Yeah.
03:02Yeah.
03:03Beefy Linda?
03:04Simon!
03:05Beefy Linda?
03:06Beefy Linda?
03:07Beefy Linda?
03:08Beefy...
03:09Simon?
03:10Yeah!
03:11Beefy Linda!
03:12Yeah!
03:13Beefy Linda!
03:14Millie's got her hand up.
03:17So she does, yeah.
03:18Go on.
03:19Don't panic or stab you in the eye.
03:21Yeah.
03:22Sorry.
03:23Don't panic or stab me in the eye with a butcher's knife is the great answer.
03:29Laura the Jungle.
03:30But it isn't a jungle, is it?
03:31It's a supermarket.
03:32I doubt we'd be selling bloody fabric softener in the Amazon, would we?
03:37Well, not with that attitude, no.
03:39What?
03:40Unbelievable.
03:41Now, uh...
03:42Go on, that Millie.
03:43Who is that excited to come to work?
03:45Willy Wonka isn't that excited to come to work?
03:47Then shut up, I'm trying to listen.
03:49I'm just saying, there's something very odd about somebody who's that into this job.
03:53So if you are sniffing around that particular bush, if I were you, I would leave that all well alive.
03:57There's no bush sniffing, okay?
03:59Millie and I aren't a thing.
04:01And even if we were, the only reason you'd care is you'd be jealous I'd have a new friend to replace you.
04:05Ha!
04:10I was just laughing at the thing you said.
04:12About my friend's chemical burns.
04:14Yep.
04:19So, in the interest of health and safety, tonight we're all gonna undergo a mandatory health and safety refresher course!
04:26Get in!
04:27I'll bring my elbow pads.
04:29Not you, Millie. I need you to count the loose crisps or something.
04:32Who's gonna look after my deli counter?
04:34I refuse to let my meat go under the knife unless it's in the hands of a professional.
04:39Now that, I happen to agree with.
04:41Well, some of you may know, some of you may not know, but I started my career here at Pellock's on the deli counter.
04:49Before I traded my apron in for a managerial power time.
04:53I don't know what I'm telling you this, but I met my wife on the deli counter too.
04:58She came in looking for some port loin and, erm, she left mine ablaze.
05:07Speaking of tiny fires, and yes I do mean birthday candles, I'd like to remind everyone that we have a very special staff birthday gathering in the shop at midnight.
05:24Oh my god, shut up, Millie. Nobody cares.
05:26You know him. You love him.
05:28It's everyone's favourite assistant manager, Thomas Rice!
05:33Woo!
05:34Happy birthday, Thomas!
05:38Party!
05:39Get down.
05:40You wanna come and sit here and put that there for you?
06:01Okay.
06:03Okay.
06:04Okay.
06:05Um, right.
06:06Can anyone tell me the first thing to do when you set up a food prep area?
06:10Hey, yes! Beefy! Excellent!
06:14Black hunts and banging tunes?
06:15No, no.
06:16That's wrong, I'm afraid.
06:18Listening to music while working seriously impairs the senses.
06:22It takes a truly skilled knifeman to rock out with his hock out.
06:27Er, moving on...
06:28I don't know if it's the Iron Match, but I'm gonna be honest with you, this is doing it for me.
06:33Now, I wanna talk about Bloodborne Parasite.
06:36No, still sexy.
06:39Tom, you have to talk to me at some point. It's not like I forgot an important birthday, is it?
06:44I'm 30.
06:45Well, not to split fanny hairs, but my tits turned to last week.
06:51Not so much as a card from you, my friend. Not that I actually care.
06:54Because, as I say, who remembers each other's birthdays anymore?
06:57It's actually very weird that Millie remembered yours.
06:59Oh, God, you... you don't think she's a bit...
07:08Sorry, boys, is this mine?
07:09I completely forgot my style.
07:10Millie's not crazy.
07:11Trust me, that psychopath is hiding something.
07:14Olivia!
07:15There's like four of us. I can hear every word you're saying.
07:18Please, just... can we concentrate?
07:20These health and safety inspectors, they are bad mothers.
07:23They take no shit.
07:25Unless... oh, hang on.
07:26Well, unless they find a bit of shit.
07:28If they find a little rat feces or something, then they will take that.
07:32They'll take it away to the lab to be tested.
07:35And then shit gets real.
07:37Look, I... I understand it's an unhelpful metaphor, and I... I apologise for that, but...
07:44Just get out there tonight, yeah?
07:46And remember...
07:47Pellocks loves whoop.
07:52Hooray!
07:53God, what is it?
07:54What is it?
07:55Stay safe, people.
07:56Yeah?
07:57Thanks, Pete.
07:59Oh, yes.
08:00Hello. Hi. What can I get you?
08:01Would you like some sirloin steak?
08:02We have some, just £12.99 per kilogram.
08:03What would you like? Some lamb?
08:04Lovely.
08:05Chicken?
08:06Yeah.
08:07Yeah.
08:08Oh, yes.
08:09Hello. Hi. What can I get you?
08:11Would you like some sirloin steak?
08:26We have some, just £12.99 per kilogram.
08:29What would you like? Some lamb?
08:30Lovely.
08:31Chicken?
08:32Yeah.
08:33I've got all the meat, including Simon's big bag.
08:37Ha, ha, ha.
08:38Yes!
08:39Massage.
08:40And you?
08:41Chicken thigh.
08:42Yeah, I've got packs of six.
08:44Hey, hey, easy. Back up. Plenty of room for everyone.
08:49Would you like a meatball?
08:50Huh?
08:51Would you like a meatball?
08:52Ah!
08:53My coxie!
08:54Ah!
08:55Ah!
08:56My coxie!
08:57Ah!
08:58My coxie!
08:59My coxie!
09:00I'll check out.
09:01Let's get in.
09:02Oh, wait!
09:06Yeah.
09:07Oh, do you like a meatball?
09:10Oh, you're a meatball.
09:11Don't do you like a meatball.
09:12Oh, I can't.
09:14Well, we've done a meatball.
09:17At ease, my salty comments.
09:23So, how long have you and Tom been?
09:28Getting married.
09:29Oh, that's adorable.
09:31Look, if you're trying to start a pissing contest with a transgender woman,
09:33I think I know which one of us has better aim.
09:36Tom is my friend. Back the fuck down.
09:39I am so sorry if I've done something to offend you.
09:41If this is about the time I snubbed you on aisle 15, I swear to God.
09:44I thought you were a discount Halloween decoration.
09:47You know what, Millie? Maybe you're right.
09:49Maybe you really are just that nice.
09:52Oh, no.
09:53I seem to have knocked over one of your jars.
09:59It's OK.
10:00It can happen to anyone. It's not like you did it on purpose.
10:03Wow. What a sweet thing to say.
10:06And I promise, Millie, it will never happen again.
10:12Wow.
10:13Somebody's being a Butterfingers.
10:18Do these look buttery to you?
10:20Ooh.
10:23Simon, you need to buy a Millie.
10:25Don't ask me why.
10:26Just trust me, the woman's a fruitcake.
10:29Simon.
10:29I accidentally unplugged a deli freezer.
10:35And now I've got loads of extra meat I need to get rid of.
10:38Well, just like that, you and I have something in common.
10:40Shut up, Olivia.
10:42I've been over my head.
10:43I can't run this place.
10:44I never wanted to be a manager.
10:47It's just...
10:48It's so much responsibility.
10:50It's just so much stress.
10:51I miss the man I was behind this counter.
10:54Chopping loins and making coins.
10:58Cleaning turkey necks.
11:00Cashing dirty checks.
11:02We're not a care in the fucking world.
11:04Yeah.
11:06My wife fell in love with the man I was behind this counter.
11:10Now I don't know who I am anymore.
11:13How much of that is tears and how much is meat juice?
11:1680-20.
11:17OK, well, you've obviously got everything covered here.
11:18If I could just get you to come fire Millie,
11:20and then I'll leave you to your evening.
11:22Fire Millie?
11:24Not firing my most hard-working employee
11:26just because she gives you the creeps.
11:28She does the work of four people.
11:29It's like 16 ewes.
11:31Rude.
11:32No, for me to fire Millie,
11:33she'd have to do something really bloody dangerous.
11:36One of these days, that bitch is going to blow.
11:39And then it's going to be more than just meat juice on your hands.
11:42Pull yourself together and be a bloody manager.
11:47Hmm.
12:09You don't see many crowbars these days.
12:14They run out of old-timey dynamite sticks.
12:16Look in here and tell me you do not see the behaviour of a psychopath.
12:19Oh, I see the behaviour of a psychopath.
12:21You need Millie to be crazy,
12:23otherwise it means you're a bad friend for forgetting my birthday.
12:25All right, Carl Young.
12:27Or should I say not so young anymore,
12:29on account of your gradual decline towards the grave.
12:30I've been on this planet 30 years now
12:32and the only meaningful relationship I have is with you.
12:34Just get over yourself and leave Millie alone.
12:37And you know what, sideshow knob?
12:40Leave me alone too.
12:41I'm done.
12:41Oh, oh, oh no.
13:12What are you, erm...
13:14Oh, what's going on here?
13:16Oh, nothing.
13:18I spotted this gum on the ceiling.
13:20I'm thinking to myself,
13:21now that is neither healthy nor safe.
13:23And then with this inspection coming up,
13:25why has nobody ever thought about scraping this gum off before?
13:28You know, it's funny, I did try once,
13:30but it's impossible.
13:31Oh.
13:32Some things are just not meant for the mortal hands to grasp.
13:35Consigned to the realms of gods and angels.
13:37Yeah, you're probably right.
13:41Let's just leave it up there, yeah?
13:44Judging us.
13:46The one to do that was never to done.
13:49Oh, like a squishy white whale.
13:52Yeah, I'm just going to pop this spatula on there.
13:55There we go.
13:56Bye, then.
14:09I'm coming for you, bitch.
14:10OK, so it turns out Millie, you remember Millie,
14:14Millie is out there doing something incredibly unsafe.
14:16Take a seat.
14:16Daddy bear got meat to move.
14:17Satoshi-san, yeah, I can offer you two dozen birds at cost price.
14:21But if you want my meat, you're not a breast guy,
14:23you're not a thigh guy,
14:24you're a whole bird, bum-to-buck-gah kind of guy.
14:27You are outstanding.
14:29OK, so Millie...
14:30H, listen, I should be thanking you.
14:32That talk you gave me, that was the real boot and the beans I needed.
14:34Excuse me, it's the zoo.
14:36Caesar, hello, mate.
14:37No, no, no, that's the deal, I'm afraid.
14:39Let me spell it out to you.
14:41Do you want Tongo to eat tonight
14:42or do you want to have to paint black stripes on a big orange dog?
14:46Yeah, exactly what I thought.
14:48Bye-bye.
14:48Simon, I am happy for you, I really am.
14:50If you could just come out and fire Millie,
14:52I think we'd all feel a lot better about...
14:54Quite a pound of cheese, please, Bob.
14:55Yeah, excuse me.
14:57Here we go, I've got it ready for you, mate.
14:59That's fine, let me take that.
15:00Three, four and five, is it changed?
15:03Totally normal.
15:04As I was saying, if you could just come out and fire Millie,
15:07I think we'd all feel a lot...
15:08Wasn't there something going on at midnight?
15:24It's cool.
15:27Oh, salutations, Thomas.
15:31Did I hear someone say tax-deductible birthday banger?
15:34I'm vegan.
15:36Yeah, it's good.
15:38Great.
15:39Thanks.
15:41Where's Millie?
15:42What happened to the stepladder?
15:43She said it was slowing her down.
15:44Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
15:46Hey, come on.
15:47I just want to say a few words.
15:48Sorry, I know this is a party, but permit me.
15:51Um, I am so proud of this team.
15:54We've gone an entire night without an incident.
15:57And, uh, you know what?
15:58That gives me hope that there is someone up there
16:01who still looks out for us.
16:03Son of a bitch!
16:04Ah!
16:05Millie!
16:06Millie!
16:07What are you doing up in the bloody ceiling?
16:09Oh, no, am I missing the party?
16:11Happy birthday, Thomas.
16:12Happy birthday!
16:14Oh, Millie, now that is so incredibly unsafe.
16:17Some might even say fireably unsafe.
16:19Olivia, shut up!
16:20She could die!
16:21Millie, it's Tom.
16:22Please, I really think you should come down.
16:24Oh!
16:30Oh, shit.
16:32Ah!
16:32I'll be fine.
16:33If I just stay here forever.
16:35Millie, just try and hold on.
16:37Ah!
16:38Oh!
16:39Whatever you do,
16:40don't let your fingers incrementally slip off
16:42one by one like they do in the movies.
16:44Okay.
16:45No!
16:46One slipped off.
16:47I'm so sorry.
16:49Oh, that's another one.
16:50That's twice as many as before.
16:53Oh, there's another one.
16:54That's 60% of my grip compromise.
16:56Oh!
16:59Ah!
17:00Ah!
17:01Oh!
17:02Ah!
17:03Ah!
17:04Ah!
17:04Ah!
17:04Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:08Millie, for the record,
17:10I was trying to get you fired,
17:11not splattered on the floor
17:12like a northern blancmange.
17:14If I'd know you'd pull a John McLean,
17:15I might have thought twice about this.
17:17Don't blame yourself.
17:18I took the bait.
17:19I care way too much what people think.
17:21I guess we both do.
17:23I feel like we've never spoken this openly before.
17:25I know, right?
17:26What are you doing later?
17:27Do you fancy a game of pickleball?
17:28No fucking idea what that is.
17:30Oh, you're going to love it.
17:31Ah!
17:32Ah!
17:32Ah!
17:32Ah!
17:32Ah!
17:33Ah!
17:33Ah!
17:33Ah!
17:33Ah!
17:34Ah!
17:34Ah!
17:34Ah!
17:35Ah!
17:35Ah!
17:35Ah!
17:36Ah!
17:36Ah!
17:37Ah!
17:37Ah!
17:37I think Tom's choking.
17:38Ah!
17:38Ah!
17:39Ah!
17:39Ah!
17:40Ah!
17:40Ah!
17:41Ah!
17:41Ah!
17:42Ah!
17:42Ah!
17:43Ah!
17:43Ah!
17:44Ah!
17:44Ah!
17:45Trapped him like a blonde Twix.
17:47Anyway, I can't believe I'm saying this,
17:49but I'm having to draw an angry red face
17:51on your employment record, Millie.
17:54Why'd you have to make it look so much like me, Dad?
17:57It's just a coincidence.
17:59Liv, always a pleasure. If there's nothing else,
18:01I have 40 pounds of ground beef to eat before sun-up,
18:03so I will bid you adieu.
18:11How's it feel to do something bad?
18:14Good.
18:16How's it feel to do something good?
18:18Weird.
18:20Speaking of which,
18:22consider this a peace offering.
18:24Let me see her.
18:34Watermelon.
18:36I always knew in my heart it was watermelon.
18:38OK.
18:40Sorry I forgot your birthday, Tom.
18:42I don't care that you've forgotten my birthday.
18:44I was just upset because...
18:46when I was anxious I was turning 30.
18:48I needed a friend.
18:50Not someone constantly screaming,
18:52Eureka! My time machine works!
18:54Tom, man. Everybody gets older.
18:56Unless Millie's got some sort of Benjamin Button situation I don't know about.
19:00Liv can't wait to get older.
19:02All the women have beards and all the men have tits.
19:04She's going to fit right in.
19:06And that is what you call top shelf repartee.
19:08Oh, it's the first top shelf I've ever seen.
19:10Yes, Millie! High five!
19:11Dial it back, I'm still a person.
19:12OK.
19:14Truth is, I actually feel pretty good.
19:16This brush with death has, well,
19:18just made me realise I was being a bit stupid.
19:20Life's short and I want to live it to the full.
19:24With the people that I care about.
19:26It's almost like somebody planned this entire thing
19:30to give you the birthday gift of a new perspective on life.
19:32Yeah, right.
19:33What, so you deliberately forgot my birthday,
19:35you then teased me all day in order to stoke my insecurities,
19:39you manipulated Millie up into the ceiling in order to pry off some chewing gum,
19:43knowing that at that exact moment I'd be stood underneath with my mouth open,
19:47bingo bango, chewing gum down my windpipe.
19:50Yeah, right.
19:52Give me all the cash!
19:56Off my tight!
19:59Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
20:04Aaaaaaahhhh!
20:06Whooo!
20:12Ha, ha, ha, ha!
20:14Whoah!
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