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BRITCOM I
  • 2 months ago

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00:00Tonight, on New Year's Eve, we honour a very special member of the Pellett's family.
00:18Although her physical body is gone forever,
00:23the spirit lives on.
00:25It brings me great sadness to say this, but due to complications following her surgery,
00:35our friend Olivia won't be joining us tonight.
00:40She is risen!
00:42Oh, thank God. When you said you were still recovering from the thing, I didn't think you were going to make it.
00:48Yeah, well, I wasn't going to miss my own special night, was I?
00:53Kind of a bit fine.
00:55Funny. That's exactly what I said to my surgeon.
00:57Boom.
00:57How's the new panny, Liv?
01:00I can't imagine what it must suddenly be like to not have a penis.
01:03Never change, Millie.
01:04I thought this was a funeral.
01:06What do you think the champagne was for?
01:11Terrifying.
01:11In 15 minutes, after months of fundraising, the biggest donors towards Liv's gender reassignment surgery will come thundering through those doors for a black-tie gala event that's going to blow their socks off.
01:25But wait.
01:26Wait.
01:26It's not all going to be stuffy formality.
01:30Ha, ha, ha.
01:31Ha, ha, ha.
01:32Oh, no.
01:32It wouldn't be a New Year's Eve without a few fireworks now, would it?
01:36Hmm?
01:37And you know what?
01:39I got us a few fireworks.
01:41Just as Olivia's surgeons corrected God's mistake, so too must we reverse our own mistakes of the last year.
01:53Not only is tonight a chance to celebrate our freshly hole-punched friend, pointer crup, er, friend, but also to win back the public's trust.
02:03But, this, this speech is stupid, it's our last chance to save the storm.
02:15So, what the hay, join me in a toast.
02:22We are Pellix.
02:24We are Pellix.
02:25We are Pellix.
02:26Hmm.
02:27Hmm.
02:28Ugh.
02:33Imagine if you'd know when you started working here that all these months later your shiny new vagina would swoop in and save the storm.
02:38Yeah, I didn't get the surgery.
02:40Pfft!
02:41What?
02:42Well, I had to tell somebody, didn't I?
02:44I'm carrying all this extra weight around.
02:45Well, clearly!
02:46Why didn't you tell me you didn't get the surgery?
02:48I thought the money could be put to better use on a holy pilgrimage to the land of my people.
02:52What does that even mean?
02:53I went to Thailand for a month.
02:54Liv, what you're describing is charity fraud.
02:56I.
02:57There's a room full of donors coming tonight that have paid for your surgery.
02:59Why did you have to do this tonight?
03:01It was all going so well.
03:02I was going to kiss Millie at midnight.
03:03Okay, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, calm down.
03:05Okay, everything's going to be fine.
03:06You're going to get your kiss at midnight.
03:08I'm going to get celebrated by everybody.
03:09Nobody's going to find out about this situation.
03:16Just stay very still.
03:24Oh, no.
03:29Surely you can't be serious.
03:31I am serious.
03:32But thanks for calling me Shirley.
03:34It's not my name, but still very progressive of you.
03:36Why?
03:37In the name of Moses?
03:38And his bougie little wicker basket.
03:40Did you have to tell him?
03:41All of this could have neatly disappeared.
03:43Yeah, well, so could a lot of things.
03:44Oh, I'm sorry, Thomas.
03:46If I didn't let some quack prune me like a bonsai tree.
03:49I had to cover your medical leave.
03:51I missed the birth of my own son.
03:55Look, in fairness, admittedly, not my finest hour, but can we please remember that tonight is all about me?
04:00No!
04:01Tonight is about me, you Tim Burton toilet brush.
04:05This was my last chance to turn everything round.
04:09Your new vag was meant to lift the curse on the ladyboy billboard.
04:13None of this was my idea.
04:15I didn't ask for a fundraiser.
04:16What do you even mean?
04:17The only reason you work here is you told me you couldn't afford rent because you were saving up for your surgery.
04:21Newsflash, Thomas.
04:22I lied.
04:23I lie about things.
04:25It is a core part of my character.
04:28But I get away with it because I've got a charming accent and a silly little haircut.
04:32Oh, great.
04:33I mean, I thought I was your best friend, but it turns out I'm just one of your little sims to stick in a swimming pool and delete the ladder.
04:38It's good to know.
04:39Thanks.
04:40Shush, everyone.
04:41Suddenly, time to think.
04:43OK, look.
04:44We are the only ones who know, which is good.
04:47We just have to keep it a secret from the other guests.
04:49Now, normally I'd say that wouldn't be too hard, but you'd probably make some joke about a lousal, wouldn't you?
04:55I would 100% do that.
04:56He's not wrong.
04:57You're a ticking time bomb.
04:59OK.
05:00All right.
05:02We just have to come together tonight, all right?
05:06Keep the other guests distracted and stop Olivia's foul secret from getting out.
05:15Yeah, whatever.
05:19Welcome.
05:22Welcome.
05:23Hello.
05:24The roads are so icy out there.
05:25It's a wonder anyone made it here at all.
05:29Nice coat.
05:30Hey, this is all right, isn't it?
05:32We're not deceiving anyone, are we?
05:33I mean, we're just selling them a comforting fiction like Father Christmas.
05:36Oh, I'm just going to push that one down and deal with it later.
05:39Are we looking on the seven-layer dip?
05:41Technically, it is just mayonnaise, but the ingredients separate if you leave it out overnight under a lamp.
05:45Lies upon lies.
05:46Are we expecting your ex-wife tonight?
05:48No, I doubt it.
05:49Not sure why she'd drag her cold reptilian carcass out of the warmth of our former marital home.
05:53Hello, son.
05:54Hello, Dave.
05:55Ah, good of you to come.
05:57But, of course, with you here, what's Batman going to use to perch atop the Gotham City skyline?
06:02Ooh.
06:03Ouch.
06:04Come on, darling.
06:05We both work for the company.
06:06Let's keep things civil.
06:07Don't you fucking dare.
06:11Sorry.
06:14Well, well, well.
06:17This is what it's come to, has it?
06:19We're throwing gender reveal parties for 30-year-olds.
06:22Oh, I've been to one of those.
06:24So much fun, with the, erm, exploding paint and the music and three bold men.
06:29Men.
06:30No, no, no.
06:31I'm thinking of a blue man group.
06:32Blue man group?
06:33You all right, Simon?
06:34You seem a little nervous.
06:35Well, I'm, I'm all right.
06:36You all right?
06:37Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
06:59Wow.
07:00What a successful and impressive gala.
07:08So sorry I'm late.
07:10I've just been admiring Olivia's new vagina, which definitely exists.
07:14What's he doing?
07:16Distracting the guests.
07:17Jesus Christ.
07:18Have we met before?
07:20Oh.
07:21No, no, but I get that a lot from racists.
07:24I am Madame Zsa Zsa, sweet chili Montague, and I am a wealthy widow and philanthropist.
07:33Well, thank you for coming all the way from Monaco, Zsa Zsa.
07:37Simon and I are lovers.
07:39Excuse me?
07:40And he is just as impressive in the boardroom as he is in the bedroom.
07:47Mmm, champagne.
07:49Mmm, champagne.
07:58Hey, Millie.
07:59Thomas.
08:00Hey.
08:01Hi.
08:02Listen, I, I just wanted to say that I'm, I'm, I'm a huge fan of you.
08:06As a colleague.
08:07But also as a woman.
08:10So, well, I, I'd consider it a huge professional courtesy if you could, er, maybe find a window
08:16in your itinerary this evening for, for a kiss.
08:19Ooh.
08:20Um, specifically at midnight.
08:22Yeah, specifically with me.
08:24Um, 15 second tops and I'll, I'll be out your hair.
08:27What's up?
08:28Godday!
08:29Bless you.
08:31Better make it 45 seconds to leave room for spillage.
08:35Yeah.
08:36Talk to me about breath freshener.
08:37Breath freshener?
08:38Mm-hmm.
08:39Well, I mean, I could offer you spearmint, peppermint or a house blend of the two.
08:42Ooh, a house blend.
08:43I will see you at midnight.
08:44Great.
08:45Thomas.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Don't be late.
08:48No.
08:49I like my men like I like my coffee.
08:50I'm not waiting more than a minute for it to show up.
08:52Yeah.
08:53I won't be because, um, well, I like my women like I like my lattes.
08:57Uh-huh.
08:58As evidenced by the residual froth on my upper lip.
09:00I'll take that back.
09:03Don't be late.
09:04Don't be late.
09:05Okay.
09:06Yeah.
09:07Okay.
09:08See ya.
09:09Goodbye, Thomas.
09:10Goodbye.
09:11Ooh, mummy.
09:13Oh, you're having a fucking laugh.
09:14Ah.
09:15Oh, my God.
09:16Ah.
09:17Well done, old friend.
09:18Well done.
09:19Well done.
09:20What are you doing?
09:21Oh, just taking the new vag for a speech.
09:22Oh, you're having a fucking laugh.
09:23Oh, you're having a fucking laugh.
09:24Ah.
09:25Oh, my God.
09:26Well done, old friend.
09:27Well done.
09:28Well done.
09:29Well done.
09:30Well done.
09:31What are you doing?
09:32Oh, just taking the new vag for a spin.
09:34Just having a classic female wee down here.
09:36You crack on, chica.
09:37Don't mind me.
09:38Piece of shit.
09:39Fucking freezing out here.
09:41I cannot for the life of me.
09:42Figure out why anyone would choose to be a woman.
09:44Oh.
09:45Oh.
09:46Oh.
09:47Oh.
09:48Oh.
09:49Oh.
09:50Oh.
09:51Oh.
09:52Oh.
09:53Oh.
09:54Oh.
09:55Oh.
09:56Oh.
09:57Oh.
09:58Oh.
09:59Oh.
10:00Oh.
10:01Oh.
10:02Oh.
10:03Oh.
10:04Oh.
10:05Oh.
10:06Oh.
10:07Oh.
10:08Oh.
10:09Oh.
10:10Oh.
10:11Well, you know how it is.
10:12One day you're watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo naked and you think, this thing in
10:17my hand just doesn't spark joy anymore.
10:19A woman gets divorced, she's a money grabbing harpy.
10:23A man gets divorced, it's like onto the next trophy wife.
10:28I did not expect him to move on so quickly.
10:31I've got to say, if I was born with a dick, I would be getting it insured.
10:38Everything alright?
10:39Yep.
10:40Yep. Yep. Just... Do you know what it is?
10:43I think I'm just getting used to my new urethra,
10:45which, as we both know, is located between the clitoris and the vaginal opening,
10:50both of which I definitely possess.
10:53Yeah, good talk.
11:07OK.
11:09Ten minutes to midnight. Are you nervous?
11:17Nah. It's just a kiss, isn't it? It's not like I'm proposing.
11:21Although I am going to need you to get down on one knee.
11:24Sorry.
11:25Liv. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
11:28What's stuck to the ice?
11:31It's...monston...
11:36I'm just saying, if you had a hole down there,
11:38the ice wouldn't be such a problem.
11:39Tell that to the passengers of the Titanic.
11:41Tom, Tom, look at me.
11:43This is not my fault.
11:44Have you never got your tongue sucked to a frosty lamp post before?
11:47If you're asking me if I had a childhood full of whimsical curiosity,
11:50then yes, I did have.
11:51Now picture my testes in place of your tongue.
11:53No, thank you.
11:54You're going to have to pull me up.
11:55Do you know what, Liv? No.
11:56It's nearly midnight. I'm about to kiss the girl of my dreams.
12:00You lied about saving for your surgery.
12:05Consider this all your chickens coming home to roost.
12:08How is that a bad thing?
12:10Tell that to a chicken farmer!
12:12Tom!
12:13Please.
12:14You are the only person in the world that would ever give me the benefit of the doubt
12:20after this many fuck-ups.
12:21Maybe I don't deserve another chance,
12:24but if anyone was ever going to give me one...
12:28...
12:5410...
12:559...
12:551...
12:55Wait, wait, wait, wait...
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Wait, wait.
13:00Okay, go.
13:02Eight, seven.
13:05Whoa, this is exactly the same as having a baby.
13:08Six, five, four, three, two, one.
13:12Oh, my God, come on.
13:34For always I'm my dear.
13:40For auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne.
14:10Oh, good, she's alive.
14:16I bought you some ice.
14:18Good one.
14:19How long was I out?
14:20Twenty minutes.
14:21Everyone's out on the shop floor.
14:22The donors are going mad.
14:24Sounds like we're going to lose the store.
14:27Oh, fuck.
14:28Why did you have to lie about wanting to get the surgery?
14:39None of this would have happened if you just hadn't lied about the bloody surgery, Liv.
14:43It wasn't a lie, Thomas.
14:45I just hadn't fully decided yet.
14:47Every transgender woman imagines life with a minge.
14:49I don't know if there's a pair of butcher's flaps in my future, but that is my decision, not yours.
14:54I understand you now.
14:57It's exhausting pretending to be something that you're not.
15:00Vivi, we've been over this. Liv isn't pretending to be a woman.
15:05I'm talking about all the years that she spent pretending to be a man.
15:10Nobody should have to change who they are just to make other people happy.
15:13I'm going out there.
15:17You can't.
15:17They'll eat you alive.
15:19Plus a billion painkillers are about to kick in.
15:21I feel fine.
15:23This is our last chance to make everything right.
15:26Somebody get me a microphone.
15:29And a Pellock's uniform.
15:34Simon! Simon!
15:37Simon! Simon! Simon!
15:38Have you ever thought about installing a bidet in your front porch?
15:46Because the amount of shits you take on your own doorstep is staggering.
15:50You can have the car in the divorce.
15:52Take the Chesterfield.
15:54You can even have Arthur Cap.
15:56Please don't take Pellocks away from me.
15:58Oh, this is about much more than the high quarters of a British short hair, Simon.
16:01This is about erasing you from my existence.
16:04Look, you've taken too many painkillers.
16:16What are you going to say to yourself?
16:31What is a woman?
16:33Somebody with a vagina!
16:35One guy's opinion.
16:36I'm not here to define a woman or a man.
16:41But I will define a manager.
16:45Simon Hyman may run this place like a game of Kaplunk.
16:49And if you look closely enough tonight, his pocket square may turn out to be a slice of wafer-thin ham.
16:58But he's a good man.
16:58I'm the reason this place is filled with chaos, even if I do do it with the debonair lovability of a cartoon cat.
17:08I take advantage of my friendships.
17:15I cause hard-working people to get overlooked.
17:18I've monopolised my best friend's time so nobody else can get a look in.
17:23I have taken many lovers.
17:31If you must punish somebody, don't punish these people.
17:34Punish me.
17:36But before you do, there's something I need to say.
17:39Gather round, and let me sing you the transgender blues.
17:55The world's on fuckin' fire, and yet we're still front-page news.
18:06When this one-girl sausage festival came rolling in to town.
18:14You put me on this pedestal.
18:19Now I'm never comin'
18:22down.
18:25Don't let my penis come between us.
18:38Born on Mars, now I live on Venus.
18:42Dick for brains, then I'm a genius.
18:44There's a chance I might be Jesus.
18:47And when the day is done, my tips will outlive everyone.
18:52I said, I'm taking over the world, and I will represent
18:56Both the boys and the girls in equal measurement.
19:00Kamala's grace.
19:01Gaddafi's panache.
19:02What better leader than a woman who can grow a mustache?
19:05If you don't like me, say it to my face.
19:08I've got an extra leg.
19:09I'm gonna win this race.
19:11It's not a lot to ask for you to call me Mrs.
19:14We wouldn't be here if my mama'd let me run with scissors.
19:16And I'm sorry that the queue outside the ladies' loo keeps getting longer.
19:25But we are stronger together like birds of a feather.
19:33And if it's time for me to fly, then please before I go.
19:39Give me one last chance to drop my pants
19:45So I can piss my name into the snow.
19:57Well, that went well.
20:02We just want our money back.
20:12We just want our money back.
20:16Hey, hello.
20:22Hello, yeah, yes, yeah, I hear you.
20:25Just, just, just hear me out, okay?
20:29We just want our money back, sir.
20:30You will, you will get your money back.
20:34You, you will get your money back, I promise.
20:36Because if you allow the store to remain open in order to repay her debt,
20:43Olivia will be locked into a 50-hour-per-week minimum-wage contract
20:49until the day she dies.
20:51And in one final validation of her womanhood,
21:10her wages will be docked an additional 9%
21:13in accordance with a gender pay gap.
21:16Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:22Hashtag competent management.
21:25Hashtag happy new year!
21:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:29Jesus Christ.
21:35Miss Fast, we have you scheduled in for an emergency genital reconstruction.
21:48Oh, the irony.
21:54Ooh.
21:55Are you sure you should be drinking, in your condition?
21:58Tell you what, why don't you start a charity fundraiser
22:00to have this bottle removed from my hand?
22:02Fair point.
22:05I'm sorry I let things go too far.
22:08That's okay.
22:11I'm sorry you didn't get your kiss at midnight.
22:14That's okay.
22:17Plenty of other socially mandatory kisses on the calendar.
22:19Mistletoe at Christmas.
22:25Rehearsing a play, I...
22:26Happy New Year, Thomas.
22:35Thanks.
22:37But you're really, really normal type.
22:39Oh, really?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Because between my top half and my bottom half,
22:42I like to think I've got a little something for everyone.
22:44Ha, no.
22:46Oh, for...
22:46I told you!
22:47Playful punches are for girls with smaller hands.
22:50Ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:51Of kindness yet
22:54For the sake of auld lang syne
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