- 5 months ago
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00:00Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
00:03Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
00:04Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
00:06Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
00:07Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
00:09Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb
00:11Ah
00:12I have more feet, because it sounds a bit small.
00:14Sorry, just try not to hurt.
00:16Sorry. I think I might...
00:18touch the willy.
00:20Oh.
00:21Hey.
00:22Hey.
00:23Thomas. Nice of you to join us.
00:24Yeah.
00:25I trust, uh...
00:27she won't be?
00:28No, I dropped off at the store myself. Told her I had a hot date.
00:33But considering that you have asked me to lie to my best friend, I'd quite like to know what all this is about.
00:38Yeah, if this was a Hunger Games type situation, I'm going to need five minutes to limber up.
00:42Well, whatever this is, I think it's nice. We never go out for drinks all together.
00:48Oh, I know. Let's play Shag, Marry, Kill.
00:52OK, I'll go first. Don't slut shame me, Simon.
00:54Um, I'd marry the yellow M&M, kill the red M&M and probably shag him. Shag him in straw.
01:01We'll just have half pint next time.
01:04Actually, Simon, in this context, Pellock's anti-discrimination policy would advise that you avoid phrases like half or half pint or pint size, given the obvious reference to Millie Stutcher.
01:16Exactly. Wait, what?
01:18Members of the Pellock's family, I would like to introduce to you my... my wife.
01:24Um, Mrs. Frieda Hyman, who works as an HR rep.
01:28Wrong on both counts, as usual. I am head of HR.
01:31And it's Ms. Frieda Hyman. We're separated.
01:35I find it hard to let go.
01:37Well, you let yourself go pretty hard, so...
01:41Well, yeah, I can still change.
01:43Yeah.
01:44I can still change.
01:45Yeah.
01:45Yeah, but you'll always be a pain in my arse.
01:50And not in a good way.
01:52This guy, not exactly the adventurous type.
01:57This chick knows what I mean.
02:01Sorry.
02:02Many of you have raised concerns following the hiring and subsequent behaviour of a member of staff, who legally we can't name.
02:14It's Olivia.
02:16What the mother of my child is here to do is to listen to your concerns so that Pellock's can make a fair assessment over the continued employment of Olivia at the branch.
02:28Wait, what?
02:29Actually, it's not quite that simple.
02:31Given Olivia's transgender situation, Pellock's would like to minimise any potential blowback by determining whether Olivia is in fact the issue or whether her behaviour is a symptom of a much larger problem with the way the store is being managed.
02:53The way the store's being managed? But I'm the manager of the store.
02:57Well, maybe you should just take this up.
02:58Take this up. Take this up with your HR representative.
03:01Oh, wait, that's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:03Yes, yes, poor man's Macaulay Culkin.
03:05Oh, thank you.
03:07Agenté, as the French say.
03:09I'm obviously not French.
03:11Just a little bit familiar with the parlance, which is French as well, actually.
03:15Hey, just keeping your pants here.
03:16Yeah, sorry.
03:17I was just going to say that, you know, if we're going to be putting Liv's on trial, then I think she should face her accusers, and I vote that we do that back in the store.
03:26I absolutely agree.
03:27Yeah?
03:28I mean, that is a very managerial observation.
03:32Oh, merci, thanks.
03:36You're banging my wife, pretty boy.
03:37I'm not.
03:38It's a rapport.
03:39You're drinking that thing.
03:41Could I also ask why I've had to leave our daughter with a babysitter?
03:44Because you chose to host this HR roundtable in a pub in the middle of the night.
03:50Let me call her time.
03:51What's happened is a lot of my night shifters tend to sleep throughout the day, so...
03:55I like drifting off to the majesty of morning birdsong.
03:59Yeah.
04:01Look, even if this wasn't a total miscarriage of Liv's employee rights, she's going to get bored and act out if we leave her too long on her own.
04:09Let alone what happens if she gets wet and eats off to midnight.
04:11It's fine.
04:12How much trouble can she possibly get into on her own?
04:17Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
04:22Can't believe that only took nine boxes of eggs.
04:35Drop the milk chocolate and take three steps back.
04:42Now take two steps to the right and grab the caramel nut instead, because it is the far superior chocolate bar.
04:48Pro tip.
05:07If you're going to rob a supermarket, get in and get out before we lock up for the night.
05:12My dad owes this store. I'll tell him to fire you.
05:15Oh, shit. You're Simon's kid.
05:17Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise.
05:19Oh, wait, I just realised that threat means nothing to me, because your father is a spineless yoghurt man.
05:24So what? You're going to hold me hostage?
05:25Trust me, that's not a situation any transgender woman wants to find herself in.
05:29Do you know what they do to women like me in prison?
05:31Nothing.
05:31Because they're too busy trying to figure out which prison to put me in.
05:35Either way, your dad and everybody else left me on my own all night and buggered off,
05:39and I don't feel like babysitting you till he gets back.
05:49And what if I decide that I'm not going to leave?
05:51And there's five more bags where that came from, which is actually a pretty good saving, if you ask me.
05:59Fine.
06:08What's a 12-year-old doing robbing a supermarket?
06:10What's a 40-year-old doing working at a supermarket?
06:12How do you know I'm not 25?
06:14How do you know I'm not 104?
06:16Call your dad.
06:18My parents are getting divorced.
06:20I live with my mum.
06:21So call your mum.
06:24There.
06:25Sent her a WhatsApp.
06:26Great.
06:27I'll go make us a ham sandwich.
06:28Oh, gosh, you sound just like my dad.
06:31A little bit transphobic.
06:33He spent all his money on divorce lawyers.
06:36See him once a week for dinner, and he reckons that the ham sandwich is the delicacy of the divorcee.
06:44Okay.
06:45When I was, like, nine, ten years old,
06:48I had a shiny Charizard Pokemon card.
06:53And I loved it so much.
06:55It was my favourite thing in the world, and I lost it.
06:57And it broke my little heart.
07:00And I know that's not exactly what you're going through,
07:02but what you were talking about was so boring.
07:06Pfft!
07:07You have access to an entire supermarket,
07:09and you just offered me some ham between two slices of bread.
07:12What do you have in mind?
07:14Have you ever made an everything sandwich?
07:16Who here has been negatively impacted by Olivia's actions?
07:23Two.
07:24Good.
07:25Good.
07:27Who here thinks that the management style at this store leaves something to be desired?
07:33Yeah.
07:41Millie, why don't you explain to everyone just how Olivia has terrorised your work life?
07:47Well, I mean...
07:47I'm sure we've all got a million little quickfire memories like that,
08:02but it feels cheap to do.
08:04Everybody's one by one just to pad out the time.
08:06Linda, how about you?
08:08Everyone calls me Beefy.
08:10Once again, that is a prime example of body shaming.
08:13I mean, Linda should not be subjected to nicknames like Beefy
08:17just because her upper torso is a little stockier than the average woman.
08:20Let me...
08:21Let me...
08:22I've got this one.
08:23Um, we actually call her Beefy because she works on the meat counter.
08:27Didn't we, Big Beef?
08:30Linda, it says here you requested a medical assessment in March
08:33and Simon denied you that time off.
08:35Doctor says I might be hyperactive.
08:37And yet on the very same day,
08:39Olivia asked Simon if she could leave early for an ultrasound appointment
08:42to, quote, find out the sex of her baby,
08:45despite the fact that Olivia is a transgender woman.
08:48In my defence, Olivia did later explain to me
08:50that she liked the feeling of the jelly on her belly.
08:56Where is Thomas?
08:58He's been gone a while, hasn't he?
09:00Come on, come on, come on, come on.
09:02Liv, pick up your babadook.
09:04OK, now, with structural integrity in mind,
09:11I think we have to make a decision now
09:13whether each colour of wine gum counts as its own layer of sandwich.
09:16Didn't realise we were building a monument to compromise.
09:19It's an everything sandwich.
09:21You know, the clues in the name?
09:22Of course each colour gets its own layer.
09:24Say no more.
09:26My mum and dad would never make time to do this with me.
09:29Dad might, if mum would let him.
09:31I just wish he'd stand up for himself sometimes.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Bet you've got loads of kids by now.
09:36I'm 30!
09:37I'm not the old woman that lived in a shoe.
09:39Have you thought about having them?
09:40Well, I did freeze my sperm once,
09:43but then my flatmate said I had to take it out
09:44to make room for the oven chips.
09:47Selfish.
09:48Oven chips.
09:50Completely forgot about the oven chips.
09:53Leave a message after the beep.
09:55Or don't, do what you like, I'm not your mum.
09:57Liv, call me back.
09:58Pellocks have brought in a ringer to figure out how to fire you.
10:01Simon's on the ropes and, for once,
10:02I don't think your charming cockney schtick is going to save you.
10:05Girlfriend.
10:06Oh, Miss Simon!
10:08I was just, er, I was talking to my dead dog, who died.
10:11Oh.
10:12Real, real sad stuff.
10:13Aw.
10:14Listen, Dr. Doolittle.
10:17What if I told you there was a way to protect your friend
10:20and give you a leg up on the corporate ladder?
10:24Oh.
10:24Well, I mean, I'd probably say, tell me more.
10:27Not in an aggressive way.
10:28I'd obviously ask you to continue explaining.
10:30Shh.
10:31Look, I'm not going to be the head of HR
10:33that fires a transgender employee.
10:37I mean, that's like popping a balloon full of piss.
10:39But, neither can I be seen advocating
10:42for the termination of my soon-to-be ex-husband.
10:45But, one strongly worded letter of condemnation
10:50from the assistant manager of the branch.
10:55Now, that's, that is a different story.
10:59Yeah.
11:01But...
11:01You're a leader.
11:02Am I?
11:03Yeah.
11:04Simon had the picture.
11:05You could run the store and keep Olivia under control.
11:08Yeah.
11:09You get the manager's chair.
11:11I get that snivelling cock-waffle of husband out of my life.
11:16Change of plan.
11:17Woo!
11:19You were right, Thomas.
11:21Since it seems my wife is hell-bent on poisoning my staff against me,
11:25I think we could all do with a little refresher.
11:29That's how much of a nightmare Olivia can be in person, yeah?
11:32Yeah.
11:33Yes, thanks for coming.
11:37Copy that.
11:41Yeah.
11:42Let's go with him.
11:43It's nice to...
11:44Heel!
11:46Sorry about that.
11:46It's just my dog dying.
11:47Shut it.
12:00This is fun.
12:01I don't think I've had a conversation this long with either of my parents in, like, a year.
12:08I miss my dad.
12:08OK.
12:13What's one thing that you wish that you could talk to your parents about?
12:16Ignore my haircut.
12:17I'm actually really smart.
12:20What do you know about tampons?
12:23Don't let boys press you into not using them.
12:26Boom.
12:26Parental advice.
12:27I think that's condoms.
12:29Yeah.
12:29Here's the interesting thing.
12:31You never actually texted your mum.
12:32They've done studies on separating gen alphas from their phones, you know.
12:35One man even lost a finger.
12:37So I suggest you give it back.
12:38Oh, no.
12:38What are you going to do?
12:39Fortnight me to death?
12:41Why didn't you text her?
12:42I didn't want to go home to an empty house.
12:46Everything's changed since the D word.
12:48Oh, OK.
12:50You mean divorce?
12:51Yes.
12:52Oh, good.
12:53Just because, yeah.
12:57Do you think it's too late for them to change their minds?
12:59Trust me.
13:01It's really never too late to change anything.
13:05Is that someone trying to break in?
13:07What do we do?
13:08Oh, well, that depends.
13:10Are you familiar with a charming little early 90s Christmas classic by the name of...
13:14Home Alone?
13:17Oh, my fucking fuck.
13:23That usually does it.
13:24These old bloody doors are tricky.
13:26I've heard they sometimes open if you remember to bring the fucking key.
13:30So, Thomas, I thought I need more about stepping into Simon's shoes.
13:34Imagine me and you.
13:36Oh, Mr. Rice.
13:39Office romance with a colleague.
13:40I've to flag that up to your HR representative.
13:43Oh, wait.
13:44That's me.
13:45Carry on.
13:45Click.
13:46Yeah.
13:46Simon, maybe I could pop brown and see if there's a way in through the back.
13:51Oh, don't threaten me with a good time.
13:54Get your own man, you lanky prick.
13:56Actually, as branch manager, I say we're going through the front.
13:59I appreciate that's not as trendy these days, but there is a time and a place for backdoor shenanigans,
14:04and that's once a month during your lady time, and perhaps on your birthday.
14:10What are you going to do, Thomas?
14:12Probably the front door option.
14:14What are you going to do?
14:14The end.
14:35Oh.
14:36Yay.
14:50So strong.
14:51Get in.
14:51Is that right?
14:58Well, well, well.
15:00Now I can see why you didn't want to have the meat in here.
15:03Although, I can't say I'm surprised.
15:06What else would you expect from a store managed by a spineless,
15:09snivelling, soul-sucking, uncultured, flatulent,
15:15real-world inspiration for Mr Potato Head?
15:18What are you all staring at?
15:23Oh.
15:23Oh.
15:36Well, well, well.
15:42It's safe to say that this is the biggest HR clusterfuck since Judas Iscariot walked up to Jesus after the Last Supper
15:48and planted a big old wet one on his cheek.
15:52You are supposed to be at home with a babysitter.
15:55What's the point in you getting custody if you're never home?
15:57You want to not belittle me within the walls of a Pelex supermarket?
16:01Maybe in a Pelex Express or one of those silly little ones in the petrol stations,
16:04but never in a full-size unit!
16:05How could you trust our daughter in the care of this lunatic?
16:13OK, all right.
16:14Let's just have a breath, shall we?
16:17Well, I know Liv's not perfect, but, er,
16:19if we had been burglars, she kept our daughter safe.
16:22You know, she's certainly not Florence Nightingale, but
16:25Olivia is a good person.
16:27Yeah!
16:27I mean, no, obviously, I'm a terrible human being.
16:31But let the man finish!
16:32Shh!
16:33I think, er,
16:35Deputy Manager Thomas has something he'd like to share.
16:40Tell him what you told me earlier about Simon not being fit to run this store.
16:46Just do what you've got to do, huh?
16:57You know what, Frida?
17:01No.
17:03No.
17:04Simon's my boss, and where he goes,
17:06I follow.
17:07Stand down, Thomas.
17:10Sir.
17:10You stupid blonde bitch.
17:15Bitch.
17:15You'll throw away the opportunity of a lifetime for this,
17:17this sackless testicle with library card debts.
17:22Shush.
17:23I've had enough.
17:24I can take you belittling my vocation.
17:30I can even take you massively downplaying my sexual prowess.
17:34I can even take you stiffing around my deputy manager's ding-dong
17:39like a protein-deficient coyote.
17:40But what I can't stand is you questioning the loyalty of my team.
17:46Yes!
17:47I've made some mistakes.
17:48I've made some big bloody mistakes.
17:50Oh, look at that.
17:52Hey, you're the biggest mistake I ever fucking made.
17:56Thank you very much.
17:57But you know what?
17:58When you start a family, you stick with it.
18:01I've already lost one family,
18:04and I am not going to lose another one.
18:06So, here's my idea.
18:10Seeing as you're such a fan of backdoor intimacy,
18:12why don't you take a hedgehog,
18:15stick it inside another hedgehog,
18:17then take that second bewildered hedgehog
18:20and shove it up your slack, dusty arsehole.
18:27Denim.
18:30Go and wait in the key of Bacanto.
18:31I'm sorry you heard that about Mummy Bear's Becky Bommel.
18:38Go.
18:38Well, I hope you're very happy together,
18:54you and your brain-dead little family of shop-damaged cum-cots.
19:00And do you know what?
19:02So what?
19:03So what?
19:05If I did want to grind out a little sexual frustration
19:08with this random six out of ten...
19:11Happy to be in the mix.
19:13Alcoholic.
19:15Dead eyes of a shark.
19:20Doormat.
19:21Adam's apple like a boxing glove.
19:26Minge teas.
19:27To be fair, that last bit could have been a lot more offensive.
19:34Well, it's not like you don't deserve it.
19:37What you lot did tonight.
19:41Meeting about me behind my back.
19:47I thought we were a family.
19:49What sort of family turns on one of their own?
19:54I don't know how I'm supposed to look at any of you
19:55the same way ever again.
19:57Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
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