- 7 weeks ago
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FunTranscript
00:00There it is, Monty.
00:04What a dump.
00:16I'll show you how to water into shoes.
00:25I hereby find the dependent guilt.
00:30Monty Gazette, Monty Gazette.
00:33Find out where the protectors are.
00:35Monty Gazette, Monty Gazette.
00:40Hey, Tree Boar. How's it going?
00:47Yeah, got no idea what you're saying, mate.
00:49Anyway, doesn't matter, because Hal is sending me home tomorrow.
00:52So, goodbye, or should I say...
00:55All right. Suit yourself, Nandos. I'll see you around.
01:03Or perhaps I won't, because I'm going home.
01:06What's he done now?
01:18He was a good wizard.
01:19Well, he was a wizard.
01:24No.
01:25No, he can't be dead. Not now.
01:29That's it, Brian. Let it out.
01:33It's all part of the grieving process.
01:36What happened to him?
01:37I think he just had one too many rhubarb caesars.
01:40Well, how many did he have?
01:47Oh, God.
01:49One day!
01:50One more day!
01:51That's all I needed, you stupid, brain-fried, drunken, hopeless, stinky old tramp!
01:56Old? I'm only 47.
02:00He's alive!
02:01Yay!
02:03Oh, I thought we'd lost you!
02:05Had me worried there. Dead customer. Never good for business.
02:09Reminds me of the time...
02:10Not at home.
02:11I'm fine.
02:13I just overcooked it a little bit, that's all.
02:15You can't do this to me, Hal. You're my ticket home!
02:18Look, the important thing is I've learnt my lesson.
02:21And I will never have another rhubarb seizure as long as I live.
02:26Triple brandy, please, Herman.
02:30Let's get on it!
02:37So do we have a deal?
02:38Absolutely.
02:39I will get you home in exchange for...
02:44That's a blood bag, innit?
02:47The Henge.
02:49This, Brian, is the Henge.
02:52Built by the protector to store massive amounts of magical energy, Brian.
03:00The Henge was designed by Simon the Contrary.
03:03Hence the fact that the stone circle is in fact made of iron.
03:07Makes sense.
03:08You and I stand here and here in the two summoning squares.
03:14Which are triangles?
03:15Classic Simon the Contrary.
03:17I pull out my wand, cause the spell, and then unleash the magic stored within the Henge.
03:26Sending you, my friend, home.
03:30Piece of cake.
03:31Sounds good.
03:32There you go.
03:35Are you gonna be alright?
03:37Yeah, me, yeah, I'm alright.
03:38Nothing a little drink can't sort out.
03:40Hang on a minute, Al.
03:42You were at death's door this morning.
03:43I can't have you keeling over halfway through.
03:45Don't worry, Brian, that's not gonna happen.
03:48Not three times in one week.
03:49This, indeed, is my bad boy jacket.
03:58Well, I thought I'd rest smart for my first date.
04:02In my new job.
04:04New job?
04:06You've never had a job in your entire life.
04:07Not true.
04:09I...
04:11...guarded the albino pear tree.
04:14Anyway, this is a management role.
04:16Competitive pay, generous holidays, plus...
04:18...complementary work boots.
04:21Management boots?
04:24Yeah.
04:25What a wonderful day!
04:27You're looking chipper, Barbara.
04:28I am!
04:30Hello, Sniggy!
04:32Now, get off.
04:33I'm just popping in for a quick drink before I meet my tall, dark stranger.
04:38Brian?
04:39No.
04:40Not Brian.
04:42I've been misreading the runes.
04:45I've got a new man in my life.
04:46A dissatisfied customer?
04:47No.
04:48His name's Skull.
04:49He's from North Screeland.
04:50And he's very incredibly extremely nice.
04:54And...
04:55...he works as a guard.
05:00At the Henge.
05:02Do I hear the sound of wedding pipes?
05:05Well, it is my destiny, Herman.
05:07I mean, the runes have spoken.
05:09But do you even speak Skreelish?
05:11No.
05:12We don't need to talk.
05:14We have natural chemistry.
05:16We are deeply connected.
05:20I give it a week.
05:22Greetings, everyone.
05:23I've just popped in for a bite to eat.
05:26Mystery meat platter?
05:27Perfect.
05:29Brian, know about?
05:30No?
05:31No.
05:32In which case, I think I'll have a little loosener.
05:34Herman, I'd like a cauliflower snap attack!
05:38Ha-ha!
05:39Don't give him a drink!
05:40It's just a little one, Brian.
05:43What are you doing?
05:44Ha-ha!
05:45Ha-ha!
05:46Right.
05:47Okay.
05:49If even a drop of alcohol touches your lips,
05:53I will snap this wand in half.
05:55Whoa!
05:56Careful now, Brian.
05:57That wand is made from pure mountain willow.
06:01Glazed with the tears of a dying unicorn.
06:06And you get splinters.
06:07You've got to stop drinking just for one day!
06:10Well, I'll do it!
06:11I'll do it.
06:12I can't believe this.
06:13Ha-ha's given up drinking.
06:15His dad's got a job.
06:16Barbara's got a boyfriend.
06:18Yeah, and I'm going home.
06:19So...
06:20Ah, maybe I should make a little change.
06:23Get a nice little place by the sea.
06:25Could probably afford it if I sell that bottle of velvet gin.
06:29You've got a bottle of velvet gin?
06:32Yeah.
06:34500 years old.
06:36Not to let you know where it is, though.
06:38Is it in the cellar?
06:40No?
06:41Mmm, a little taste of it.
06:43Ha-ha-ha!
06:45You are giving up.
06:46It's all right, Brian.
06:47It's not a problem.
06:48This mind is a lot stronger than you think.
06:52How long has it been?
06:5337 seconds.
07:07Contract signed.
07:08Great to have you on the management team.
07:09Great to be here.
07:10How are you feeling about working with us?
07:11Excited?
07:12Absolutely.
07:13Excellent!
07:14Plenty of spirit.
07:15Right.
07:16Oh, here's your, er...
07:17Yes!
07:18Your complimentary boots.
07:20Shall we get started?
07:21Ah!
07:22What here?
07:23Down we go.
07:24Sorry, in the...
07:25In the sewer.
07:26Yep.
07:27Should be just in time for the post-lunch rush.
07:28Is this your waste management?
07:29Yes, it is.
07:30Come on.
07:31Let's get scooping.
07:32I've always wanted to come here.
07:33I've always wanted to come here.
07:35It's my home.
07:36You're welcome.
07:37Oh, my gosh.
07:38I've always wanted to come here.
07:39I've always wanted to come here.
07:40Oh!
07:43In the sewer?
07:44Yep. She'll be just in time for the post-lunch rush.
07:47Is this your waste management?
07:50Yes, it is.
07:52Come on. Let's get scooping.
07:59I've always wanted to come here.
08:02It's so romantic, and the food is lovely.
08:06Gragunkutuk.
08:16Music for the lady?
08:18I'll come back later.
08:22Now, I know I shouldn't have,
08:24but I have bought you a little three-day anniversary present.
08:29I'm not expecting anything back, but...
08:32muck-tuck-tuck-tuck.
08:36It's a Monty Frey's book.
08:48I thought it might help us get to know each other.
08:52You...present.
08:56Yes.
08:58You...bunny rabbit.
09:02Oh!
09:07Oh.
09:08I think there's been some sort of mistake.
09:15Boots too tight.
09:16No, boots are fine.
09:17I thought this was a desk job.
09:19A desk?
09:20In the sewers?
09:21It's much more exciting than that.
09:22Right.
09:23Now, you're in luck,
09:25because we're going to start with some turd scooping.
09:27Excited?
09:28Excited.
09:29Oh, now, look.
09:30There's a blockage just there.
09:31Oh, proper beast that one is.
09:33In you go.
09:34Sorry, I'm not doing this.
09:36Yes, you are.
09:37Because you've signed a legally binding contract.
09:39There's your net.
09:40Ooh.
09:41Are you working?
09:42Oh, look.
09:43There's a floating Jenny.
09:44Oh, that's one for the collection.
09:45Yeah, Mum, my girl.
09:46Absolute beauty.
09:47Oh!
09:48My plan.
09:49One is.
09:50Oh, look.
09:51You've got to go in.
09:52And then we're working.
09:53Oh, look.
09:54There's a floating Jenny.
09:55Oh, that's one for the collection.
09:56Yeah, Mum, my girl.
09:57Absolute beauty.
09:58Oh, my God.
10:00Go in and go.
10:01Oh, look.
10:02There's a floating Jenny.
10:03Oh, that's one for the collection.
10:04Yeah, Mum, my girl.
10:05Absolute beauty.
10:06Oh, my girl. Absolute beauty.
10:16So the man from the other world, he's in there, is he?
10:19We need to find him.
10:24You know what we should do? We should get a couple of pies.
10:27Why?
10:28So we can blend in.
10:30Not everybody has pies.
10:32Some people do. We could blend in with them.
10:35We could blend in with the people without the pies.
10:37But this way we get to have a pie.
10:42Get two pies.
10:45Oh, and a jacket potato.
10:51Once I get home, you can have it all back.
10:55Oh, Brian, you poor fool.
10:58Do you think that mere ropes can hold a wizard such as I?
11:05What is this, a double knot?
11:07Yep.
11:09Oh!
11:10Brian!
11:11Brian!
11:13I think it's worked.
11:14Yes!
11:15Yes!
11:16The craving for alcohol has left me.
11:19Oh!
11:20What a relief.
11:21You did it.
11:23Untie me so I can give you a big hug.
11:26You won't mind if I do this then.
11:27Mm-hmm!
11:28Mm-hmm!
11:29Let me get it.
11:30A pair of the hair.
11:34That's your lot.
11:35Yep.
11:36You found them.
11:37Yep.
11:38That's the last bottle.
11:39I can categorically state that you have found the very last bottle apart from that one.
11:43Yeah, I forgot about that one.
11:45What's this?
11:47That's ink.
11:50With brandy.
11:51That is sick.
11:52You're right, Brian.
11:54I am sick.
11:55In fact, Brian, I've only got two weeks to live.
12:00Yeah, it's true.
12:02So please, just give me a little bit of gin to relieve my suffering.
12:06Brian, I tell you what, let's make a deal, yeah?
12:10You and me.
12:11You tell me what you want.
12:13Anything.
12:14And it's yours.
12:15You want a six pack?
12:16Yeah?
12:17Nine pack?
12:18You want to be taller?
12:19Yeah?
12:20I'll sort out your wonky teeth.
12:21I will dabble the length and girth of your...
12:23I know exactly what I want.
12:25Name it.
12:26I want you to live for the next 24 hours.
12:29You have pushed your luck too far, Mr Whipper.
12:33Release me now!
12:35Or I will kill you!
12:37Oh, I didn't mean that, Brian.
12:38That's the lack of booze talking!
12:41I love you!
12:42I love you like the sun I never wanted!
12:45Brian, I'm a proud man.
12:48And I will not beg.
12:50Please, please, please, I'm begging you.
12:53I'll see you tomorrow.
12:55Where are you going?
12:56No!
12:57Brian!
12:58Don't leave!
13:00No!
13:05No!
13:09Bond!
13:12Oh, today's the big day!
13:15Where are you?
13:16where are you good morning Brian and what a beautiful beautiful morning it is are you drunk
13:40drunk on life oh god what have you done now I've been juicing some nettles they are so packed full
13:49of nutrients so invigorating have a little sip all right a bit weird but you're sober yeah oh I'm
13:56clean and serene daddy-o well that's great that means we can do the henge tonight tonight I'm not
14:04sure hmm yeah I've got yoga at the lake of serenity followed by a spin class oh it is fabulous you
14:13spin around till you're dizzy it's the most extraordinary natural high Brian no we need
14:24to go to the henge tonight remember remember the super solstice all the stored magic yes about that
14:30you see I live well I don't do magic anymore what I turn my back on it you know but
14:41well I've had a lovely day I see dwarf oh look at you with your speaking dwarf is dirty steel
15:00job oh I think you've got confused goblin dirty goblin is big scum big scum at no skull you've got to
15:11be nice about dwarfs and goblins kill dwarves chopped goblins elves is oh no skull you like elves elves are
15:20nice elves is big dirty pig scum oh aren't these toffee pears lovely hmm Barbara is not pig scum
15:34Barbara is good woman well that's nice good woman cook food and wash pants of man skull we need to talk
15:46listen to me hell it's the super solstice where the boundaries between worlds are at the thinnest
15:55very very thin it has to be tonight Brian I could very very easily cast a spell that would send you
16:04back to your own world but what would that really achieve it would send me back to my own world I don't
16:12belong here Hal I need your magic magic what is magic Brian magic is the beauty of a sunset
16:22it is the first tottering steps of a baby deer it's the soft caress of a snowflake as it drifts gently
16:32down onto the cheek bollocks look here's your wand it's just a stick Brian no I've got the spell
16:42all you need to do is read it out I'm sorry Brian I'm out oh and Brian yeah I want to thank you for
16:49opening my eyes look Hal I'm a proud man and I won't beg please please please please please please
16:56please please buy one pair get 17 free everything must go closing down I'm closing down everything on
17:07pear-shaped it's just a joke things not going well quite the opposite actually I'm buying a bigger
17:16stall in brevet I mean who wants to spend the rest of their life in munty yeah fair point you only get
17:22one shot in life sometimes you just have to go for it you know what you're absolutely right
17:32to ask for Bob and a dandelion cordial foul thank you and I would like to pay my outstanding bar bill
17:47I know you're just scared of me greetings sponges is this going to take long only I'm on the break no idea Brian
17:59said to meet here because he's got something to tell us what is that smell oh hi everyone
18:07I'm glad you could all be here um I've got an announcement to make I knew it he's an elf now as you
18:14know Hal won't be taking me home he's made a lifestyle choice and it's one that I totally
18:21respect thank you so I did some thinking and I've decided that I'm gonna go alone I've got the wands
18:31I've got the map I've got the spell I'll either get home or die trying so brave you see you only
18:39really get one chance in life and I think you've just got to go for it all right good luck right now
18:44better get back to work oh there was one other thing oh um seeing as though that this is gonna be our
18:52last evening together I know I'm gonna miss you guys the gang I thought it would only be proper if we
19:03had one final drink it's full of a gin actually I do have a few spare minutes I thought I had the
19:12only bottle left in Monty where did you get it it's a long story well tell the story did you win it
19:18exactly yes it was a prize you see there was this eccentric man that owned a gin factory and he put
19:27five gold tickets into a bottle into the same bottle no into different ones and the five ticket
19:34holders got to go inside the factory and meet the mysterious owner Gene Wilder were you one of the
19:42winners yeah yeah it was me a spoilt boy a spoilt girl another spoilt girl and a fat kid that sounds
19:51like the band you were in steps anyway to cut a long story short they all got horrifically maimed
19:57in some way and I won this when did this happen this afternoon anyway pour them out Herman hey oh one
20:06each for everyone oh no oh oh sorry insensitive no can we get a nettle juice for hell that's right isn't
20:16it yeah oh look at that healthy oh there you go looks good hey proud of you all right here we go
20:29all right oh oh that's delicious is it nice
20:44it's like a rabbit is kissing my tonsils with a feather wrapped in bacon it's like being massaged by a
20:56rainbow I'm kidding burnt almonds and cherries with a hint of licorice I was gonna say that
21:03he's making my legs feel funny now that is really nice that reminds me of the time when not now
21:16Herman actually perhaps I could was that nothing I mean for old times sake perhaps I could well it's a last
21:30chance
21:31I might just finish that off please you know what would go well with that a pint of wine Herman
21:56give the man a drink Brian let's hit the hinge he's back
22:01wait here
22:08wait here
22:10idiot
22:23right this is it the entrance to protect this hinge there's skull
22:29skull's all right about letting us in yeah right um I meant to say we're on a break
22:41what kind of break permanent break yeah but he'll still let us in won't he
22:46I'll go and have a word go on it'll be fine Brian 100% guaranteed well high 90s
22:53what do you reckon
23:00looks good we really need to be moving
23:15well commitment issues okay but he's still gonna let us in right no we've got 10 minutes to get to the
23:27hinge I know a simple stunning hex that'll do the trick
23:32it's too close to the hinge it's absorbing all the magic
23:40Herman you used to be a warrior can't you just
23:44leave this to me I trust in I
23:49what's this a stapler it's because the boundary between worlds has become very very thin
23:57things are crossing over what is it it uses small metal brackets to anyway that doesn't matter
24:06we need to get in that hinge come on think there must be another way in
24:11busy day at the office
24:18hey oh is that my jacket
24:25well they'll brush off
24:30hang on a minute
24:37I just stood on something that close to you
24:39oh I just stood on something that squelched
24:43it's all right once you're in
24:45just when I thought Muncie couldn't get any worse it does
24:48I know these two it's like the back of my hand
24:50what is that on the back of your hand
24:52what is that on the back of your hand
24:54I haven't noticed that
24:57right we are here
25:04big
25:06come on bro
25:07an iron henge typical
25:08Simon the contrary
25:10right 30 seconds
25:11right
25:12right
25:13and you need to get into the north triangle
25:18this is it
25:19midnight
25:20the super solstice
25:21I speak to you
25:23almighty
25:25mighty henge
25:26and request
25:28that you open
25:30a portal
25:31between Muncie of the Western Marches
25:34and Isleworth
25:36just off the A316
25:38this is it
25:43I'm going hard
25:45Herman
25:50it was your velvet jeep
25:53sorry about that
25:54I command you
25:57to send
25:59men
26:00home
26:01home
26:02home
26:03there are coming with you
26:04ahhhhhhhhhhh
26:18still here
26:20hang out pal
26:25think I'm standing in the wrong
26:27No! No, no, no! This is wrong! This is all wrong!
26:32Swap triangles. Typical Simon the Contrary.
26:36Listen, guys, we should probably get going.
26:39Let's head to the sewer.
26:42This way!
26:44The gate!
26:46What are you doing here?
26:48You lot are in big trouble.
26:50All bow before the protector!
26:57You have defiled my henge.
27:02And the penalty is death by soup.
27:10And the penalty is death by axe.
27:14With croutons.
27:18No croutons.
27:19Look, I can explain everything.
27:22Actually, it is quite complicated.
27:27I can't explain anything.
27:29For months, I have been preparing this henge.
27:33I've worked every hour of the day.
27:37I stopped sleeping, washing, brushing my hair, flossing.
27:42I stopped taking off my hat to make more time for my dream.
27:48My beloved henge!
27:50And now it is ready to fulfill its purpose.
27:55And its purpose, of course, is...
28:05Oh, thank you.
28:07My pleasure.
28:09Hey!
28:12You can't do that to my friends.
28:14We means at last.
28:16Renan Wifter.
28:18Weaver?
28:19Brian Weaver?
28:21I told you they had said aye.
28:26My letter!
28:27You got my letter!
28:28You came!
28:29Right.
28:30Time to go.
28:31Go where?
28:34Oh!
28:35What's going on?
28:37Do you like zoos, Brian?
28:40I'm not massively keen on going to a zoo right now.
28:43No, you won't be visiting it, Brian.
28:46You'll be in it.
28:48Let's go.
28:50Where are we going?
28:51I don't want to go!
28:52What's going on?
28:53Ow!
28:57Right.
28:58So who brought this in?
28:59I don't know.
29:00We should send a health and safety memo.
29:03I mean, it's completely unacceptable.
29:10Have you come to fix the photocopier?
29:13Yes.
29:15Okay.
29:16I don't know.
29:17I don't know.
29:18I don't know.
29:19I don't know.
29:20I don't know.
29:21I don't know.
29:22I don't know.
29:23I don't know.
29:24I don't know.
29:25If you missed any of Zapped, don't worry.
29:27You can catch up on all of James Buckley's interdimensional adventures with Dave's on-demand
29:32service, UK TV Play.
29:33Next up is Red Dwarf, and so they're off to do some time travelling thanks to some mutant fluid
29:38stuff.
29:39No more heroes anymore.
29:51No more heroes anymore.
29:52No more heroes anymore.
29:54No more heroes anymore.
29:56No more heroes anymore.
29:57No more heroes anymore.
29:58No more heroes anymore.
29:59No more heroes anymore.
30:00No more heroes anymore.
30:01No more heroes anymore.
30:02No more heroes anymore.
30:03No more heroes anymore.
30:04No more heroes anymore.
30:05No more heroes anymore.
30:06No more heroes anymore.
30:07No more heroes anymore.
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