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Honky Kong
  • 6/12/2025
Original Broadcast Date: November 7th 2018

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Transcript
00:00People of Earth, attention.
00:37Now, there's been some good news and there's been some bad news for Labor this week.
00:43They won the Batman by-election, but then again they were only up against the Greens.
00:47They lost the South Australian election, but then again there was only South Australia.
00:52But it must be very frustrating for Bill Shorten at the moment.
00:55We've got news poll after news poll after news poll, put Labor ahead as our preferred government,
01:00but Malcolm Turnbull is still the preferred Prime Minister.
01:03They like Malcolm, but not his party, and vice versa for Bill.
01:07Now, the obvious solution, getting both men to have face transplants, is time-consuming
01:13and impractical and probably not clavable on their health insurance.
01:16The fact is, for some reason, Bill doesn't seem to be able to cut through.
01:20And I can't work it out. I mean, it's not as if people don't know Bill well enough.
01:24He's been in the job quite some time now.
01:26In fact, Bill Shorten is now the second longest-serving federal Labor leader since Bob Hawke.
01:31Now, by comparison, Vladimir Putin is the longest-serving Russian leader,
01:35second only to Stalin, and he won his election on Sunday very convincingly.
01:40So what's the problem?
01:42What is it about Bill that makes him an unlikely PM?
01:45I mean, true, Bob Hawke appealed to Australians more for some reason.
01:49You know, they used to call him Mr 75%, and that referred just to his blood alcohol content.
01:55But people don't seem to relate to Bill in much the same way for some reason.
01:58I mean, he's been leader longer than Paul Keating, longer than Kevin Rudd, longer than Julie Gillard,
02:06all of whom you may remember were Labor Prime Ministers some on consecutive days.
02:11Since Bob Hawke, only Kim Beasley has led the party longer,
02:14a man who, having lost the party two federal elections in his first go as leader,
02:18was duly rewarded with the leadership for a second stint,
02:21which can only lead me to conclude that Labor is a party that aspires to opposition.
02:27An aspiration that it achieves regularly.
02:30Out of government, though, they're stable,
02:32rewarding their unsuccessful leaders with extended terms.
02:35In government, they rip each other's entrails out,
02:37punishing their successful leaders for attaining power by stripping them of it
02:41and raffling the leadership off every few weeks like a bloodied meat tray.
02:45But I believe... In fact, I'm going to change cameras for more impact.
02:48I believe they need to challenge this born-to-submit mentality and change leaders now.
02:54Bill Shorten has lost approximately 300 consecutive
02:57better Prime Minister surveys in Newspoll.
02:59So just for a change, it's time to do the bloodletting while they're in opposition.
03:03Who's with me?
03:07OK, but who are the options? Anyone?
03:10No, you didn't think about that, did you?
03:13Who are those lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on Bill Shorten
03:17and stab him in the back?
03:19Assuming that's even physically possible.
03:21I mean, obviously, if they pounced on him from behind,
03:23they could do it, but then why pounce?
03:25You know, you could just sneak up behind him with the knife and put it in.
03:28But if they pounced on him from the front,
03:30they would have to bring their hand around looking at him and push...
03:34Anyway, I filed... I filed this report.
03:37One candidate with a highly impressive knife block is Anthony Albanese.
03:44Will Albo give Shorten the elbow?
03:47Or will it be Tanya Plibersek, the so-called Black Widow?
03:53Death Spider?
03:55Or Queensland MP Milton Dick, who's never held a shadow ministry,
04:00but reckons he'd be pretty good?
04:03Or Tasmanian MP Brian Mitchell?
04:06Also unheard of, but reckons if Milton Dick can run, so can he.
04:11And let's not forget Victorian MP Rob Mitchell,
04:15who believes he could pick up votes from colleagues,
04:18confusing him with Tasmanian MP Brian Mitchell.
04:21This is the hell bubbling below the surface of Bill Shorten's leadership.
04:28Back to you, Sean.
04:29Mm, thank you, Sean.
04:30And what an unbeatable machine
04:32whoever ends up leading it will be inheriting.
04:34The Labor Party has clocked up 28 news poll wins in a row,
04:37the government's in disarray, and what do they do, the canny bastards?
04:40They go and release a policy on that hot-button issue,
04:43dividend imputation and franking credits.
04:46It's a great ploy on the eve of the Batman by-election
04:48to distract everybody from the fact
04:50that they were hedging their bets on Adani.
04:52Now, when the policy was unveiled and eventually noticed,
04:55the initial objection was, as the Australian noted,
04:58that it was typical Labor-class warfare attacking the wealthy.
05:0224 hours later, though, the same newspaper noted
05:04that it was class warfare against low-income earners.
05:08I mean, really, what hope have Labor got
05:10paying for their extravagant spending
05:12if they don't even know who they're robbing?
05:14If you're going to conduct class warfare, Labor,
05:16work out which class it's with.
05:18It's folly to fight a war on two fronts.
05:20Just ask Napoleon.
05:22Was it?
05:24Yeah.
05:26One of the basic rules of warfare is know thine enemy.
05:30I mean, look at the Turnbull government.
05:31It knows exactly who it's at war with.
05:34The other thing, if I can lecture the Labor Party a little bit more,
05:38is removing cash payments on franking credits
05:41for self-funded retirees sounds pretty dry.
05:44You can really learn a lot from Treasurer Scott Morrison
05:47about how to make things sound more dramatic than they are.
05:49Bill Shorten is reaching his hand into their pocket
05:53and just ripping out the cash.
05:55That's more like it!
05:57Although, to be fair, since this is a cash payment
05:59from the government, it was the Libs that put the money
06:01in that pocket in the first place.
06:03I think they've both got questions to answer
06:05about why they're putting their hands in elderly people's pants.
06:09That's presumably why ScoMo revised his imagery
06:12about just what Labor were doing to these old people.
06:14And Bill Shorten has come with a cruel and brutal slug on them.
06:18A much better and, let's face it, more accurate description.
06:22But why limit it to old people?
06:24And to really make it come alive,
06:25why not pretend Bill is in the room
06:27and that you're actually speaking to him?
06:29Normal people own shares, Bill.
06:32Normal people.
06:33Ordinary people.
06:35That's good. That's good stuff.
06:37See, now, cruel slug Labor is grabbing cash
06:39from the pockets of normal, ordinary people,
06:41not just the abnormal elderly.
06:44But what's actually being proposed here?
06:46What's actually being counter-proposed here as well?
06:48It's very, very hard to get your head around, isn't it?
06:50So, here's Tosh Greenslate in front of a green screen. Tosh.
06:53Thanks, Sean.
06:54It's actually quite simple.
06:55Labor is saying it won't pay back money pensioners didn't pay
06:58because they don't pay tax,
07:00while the government says it will pay back the money
07:02that wasn't paid.
07:03Sean.
07:06Thanks very much, Tosh Greenslate.
07:08Hang on, Tosh.
07:09Why should money be paid back if it wasn't paid?
07:11Because it was, before they were paid it.
07:13But just not by them?
07:14No, no, by the people who paid them.
07:16But if pensioners are getting paid,
07:18then why aren't they paying any tax?
07:19Because they've worked all their lives,
07:21so they already did it.
07:22Before they didn't.
07:23Exactly.
07:24Tosh Greenslate, they're using the principle of reductio ad absurdum
07:29to make a satirical observation about tax policy.
07:33Of course, the Coalition's not just worried that this policy
07:35will hurt normal, ordinary Australians.
07:37They're also hopeful it will scare comfortably retired Labor voters
07:40into their clutches,
07:41like soon-to-be former Labor voters Margaret Osborne
07:44and her husband.
07:46Sean, when we receive a dividend
07:48from those $70 a pop Commonwealth Bank shares
07:51we snapped up in the 90s for practically nothing,
07:53why shouldn't we receive tax credits of your money
07:56to offset against our taxable income of,
07:58may I remind you, nothing,
08:00in order to get a refund from the ATO of money
08:02we never paid them in the first place?
08:04Exactly.
08:05Shush.
08:06I mean, we thought retirement was meant to be about relaxing
08:09and enjoying the fruits of other people's hard labour,
08:11not reorganising complex onshore again, offshore again,
08:14financial arrangements every five minutes
08:16to take advantage of ever more complex tax loopholes
08:19because the crims and sickle suckers are at the gate.
08:22Right, as usual...
08:23Oh, shush!
08:25Yes, thank you Margaret and her husband.
08:27Mind you, if the government is so concerned...
08:30Shush!
08:33..about Labor's policy...
08:35Pensioners, 230,000 of them...
08:39Why did they do that deal with the Greens back in 2015
08:42that reduced pensions for more than 225,000 Australians
08:45and cut it altogether for 89,000?
08:48Later on, Scott Morrison's anger manager provides an answer.
08:52I'll tell you why, Sean. I'll tell you why.
08:54It's cos we've already cut the pension.
08:56We've already cut the pension.
08:57And pensioners can't possibly be expected
08:59to put up with Labor's cash grab as well.
09:01The only way to protect the pension
09:03is to vote for the party that's already satisfied
09:05it's pension-cutting urges.
09:09Well, thank you, Will.
09:12But while Bill Shorten conducts his class warfare,
09:14Malcolm Turnbull is preparing for the real thing,
09:17announcing that Queensland would build
09:19a new range of armoured vehicles.
09:21Now, Malcolm loves a tank.
09:22He treats them as if they were a family pet,
09:24always giving them a bit of a rub and a pat.
09:27Yeah, good tank, good tank.
09:30Stay, stay.
09:32Stay in Queensland.
09:33We've got marginal seats there.
09:36But this new policy of Labor's seems to have thrown him.
09:38He doesn't know what Bill's doing.
09:40Bill Shorten is coming.
09:42Bill Shorten is going.
09:46And to be fair,
09:47it ended up not playing that well for Bill either.
09:49And some of the party can smell blood in the water.
09:52And well, well, well,
09:54look who's hovering behind him there.
09:56If it isn't leadership aspirant Milton Dick lurking,
09:59waiting, yes,
10:00to pounce on any vulnerable member of Shadow Cabinet.
10:03Look at him lurk.
10:04He never speaks, does he?
10:06No.
10:07In fact, I asked my researchers to find a clip of Milton Dick
10:10actually speaking,
10:11and this was the only one they could find.
10:13The lesson I want you to learn
10:15is it doesn't matter what you look like.
10:18And on the subject of how things look and sound
10:21and coming and going,
10:22how many news polls is it now?
10:24T minus two negative news polls until Tony Abbott meltdown.
10:29What happens to Malcolm
10:30when the government proves
10:31that achieving 30 consecutive news poll losses under Tony
10:34was no fluke?
10:36Having lived by the news poll sword in beautiful Point Piper,
10:39does Malcolm then really have to die by it?
10:41Or in news poll terms,
10:42is 40 really the new 30?
10:44The leadership of the Liberal Party is determined by the party room.
10:49It's not determined by news poll.
10:52But given who's actually in the party room,
10:54he might be safer if it is determined by news poll.
10:58Craig, his real name,
10:59from the Department of the Prime Minister and filing cabinet.
11:02Can I just play a clip of Malcolm Turnbull
11:04announcing his challenge to Mr Abbott's leadership?
11:06Sure.
11:07OK.
11:08The only thing that is clear about our current situation
11:10is the trajectory.
11:13We have lost 30 news polls in a row.
11:15OK.
11:16Now, if I can just show you what that trajectory looks like...
11:20Yes, I see.
11:22And then compare it with Mr Turnbull's trajectory
11:24after 28 news poll losses.
11:27Is there any similarity there?
11:29Not for me.
11:31Mr Turnbull then went on to say this.
11:33It is clear that the people have made up their mind
11:37about Mr Abbott's leadership.
11:39Now, why then is it not clear now
11:42that people have made up their mind about Mr Turnbull's leadership?
11:45Because he's still ahead in news poll as better Prime Minister.
11:48Yeah, but you do realise that that's compared to Bill Shorten.
11:51Well, sure, that takes some of the gloss off it.
11:54My point is that if Mr Turnbull loses news poll number 30,
11:57isn't it exactly the same scenario as when Tony Abbott did?
12:00So what do you want Malcolm to do?
12:02Challenge his own leadership?
12:03Run against himself?
12:04Well, that would pose a dilemma for Tony Abbott.
12:08Who would he vote for?
12:11You know, incumbent Malcolm or challenging Malcolm?
12:15He'd have to abstain.
12:17That'd confuse Barnaby Joyce too, wouldn't it?
12:20Plasticine confuses Barnaby.
12:23Would Barnaby abstain too?
12:25Bit late for that, I thought.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:29Thank you, Craig.
12:31And what's the takeaway in terms of the day-to-day running of our country
12:34in real terms going forward?
12:36Official spokescreen for the PM, Dromela Burt.
12:39Oh, by the way, I've got this new interview app.
12:41I hope you don't mind. I just want to use that.
12:43In 10 seconds, ask about party disunity.
12:47OK.
12:49Is the undercurrent of disquiet within the government about to turn into a dangerous rip,
12:53pulling the Liberal Party all the way out to sea with only the vain hope of being rescued
12:56by one of the few boats they haven't stopped?
12:59Well, Sean, let's unpack that.
13:01Yeah, well, it is a question, not a dishwasher.
13:04There is no undercurrent of disquiet.
13:06The media is simply trying to wish one into existence.
13:10Proceed along this line of questioning for 10 seconds.
13:15But as these news poll losses mount up, government MPs are going to get nervous.
13:18That's just a reality, surely.
13:20The government is focused on delivering jobs and growing the economy.
13:24At the next sign of obfuscation, exit the interview.
13:27You think Tony Abbott and Peter Dutton and Kevin Andrews and Barnaby Joyce are going
13:32to go down with the ship, just drowning quietly?
13:35Sean, the government is focused on delivering jobs and growing the economy.
13:39Exit the interview now.
13:41Well, Dre Melliber, thanks for your time.
13:43You have arrived at your destination.
13:46You haven't got anywhere.
13:50And, er, and, er, and, er, er, er, er, er, er, and, oh, hi.
13:54And, er, later in the program we hear from Defence Minister Maurice Payne.
14:00We've, er, put them in the heat.
14:01We've put them in the cold.
14:02We've put them in the wet.
14:03We've put them in the dry.
14:04We've shot at them.
14:05We've tried to blow them up.
14:10Yet still the ABC carries on.
14:12That report.
14:14Later.
14:15Now, er...
14:16Now, as you know, the Minister for Home Affairs, Immigration, Border Protection...
14:28Have I left anything out?
14:30Peter Dutton rolled a jaffer down the aisle last week, declaring he wanted a refugee intake
14:35of white South African farmers who are being dispossessed of their farms by their government.
14:41Home Affairs, Immigration and Border Protection reporter, Lois Price, unpack this for us, will you?
14:46Well, Sean, from my position high in the sky, this may lead to the same problem as Donald Trump's US steel tariff.
14:53How so, Lois?
14:54Well, Sean, Minister Dutton's plan will have a devastating effect on our local white farming industry
14:58if South Africa starts dumping us white farmers here.
15:01And what prompted them, Mr Dutton, to reach out to these farmers, do you think?
15:05Apparently he saw a story about them on the telly, Sean.
15:09Let's hope he doesn't see an episode of The Handmaid's Tale, otherwise we'll be bringing in hundreds of deranged, traumatised women.
15:16Well, they're fictional, Lois.
15:17So am I, Sean.
15:19Still, I guess whatever people might say about Australian governments, Lois, at least they don't kick farmers off their land.
15:23No, that's right, Sean, that's what the banks are for.
15:25The new decaburger from Brian's Fish and Chips.
15:27Ten-part beef putties with lettuce, tomato, horse meat and oysters.
15:31Brian's Fish and Chips, not just fish and chips.
15:33They also do decaburgers with ten-part beef putties, lettuce, tomato, horse meat and oysters, as I just said.
15:38Mention this ad for a shrug of the shoulders.
15:40I'm Lois Price for matters, Al.
15:43Well, thank you, Lois.
15:44Thank you, Lois, indeed.
15:45She's pretty good, isn't she?
15:46Mmm, very good.
15:47But, um, I don't want to be unfair to Mr Dunn.
15:54In fact, I'd like...
15:57No, I don't want to be unfair.
15:59I want to be perfectly fair to...
16:00Oh, come on!
16:04That is unfair.
16:05Now, Mr Dunn has a much more engaging smile.
16:09Alright, I was wrong.
16:15Anyway, I want to address the criticism that Mr Dunn has received from the South African government
16:21for saying that Afrikaans farmers needed help from a civilised country.
16:26Because, out of context, those comments could seem negative to the South Africans.
16:30Particularly if they're not aware of what Mr Dunn is really like.
16:33That behind that tough exterior he has, there's a...
16:37There's an ex-Queensland policeman who boy...
16:40Who boycotted the 2008 apology to the Stolen Generation.
16:44A man who went on to turn a humble immigration ministry
16:47into an autonomous paramilitary unit and spy agency,
16:50the envy of post-war East Berlin.
16:54So, when he says civilised country,
16:56he isn't making a disparaging shithole countries comment like President Trump.
16:59He is simply saying that he's willing to bring the farmers directly to Australia
17:03and not make them stay on some shithole island like Nauru or New Zealand.
17:09And...
17:10And Peter and I are on the same page here.
17:12If these farmers, regardless of the shade of their white skin,
17:15are being persecuted, then of course we should bring them here.
17:18That way the only mistreatment they'll receive as farmers
17:21will be from the locusts, the environment, the Murray-Darling Basin Authority
17:24and the supermarket chains.
17:26And the only thing they'll forcibly have taken from them
17:29will be the money they've already been paid for their milk.
17:33And unlike their own country, it's a two-way street over here.
17:35In return they'll get to mistreat backpackers
17:37during the fruit picking season.
17:40My only worry with all of this is the message it sends to people smugglers
17:43that refugees can enter Australia through the back door
17:45of an agricultural degree in Cape Town.
17:47And I'm not the only one with reservations.
17:50Earlier this week I spoke to Foreign Minister Julie Bishop.
17:53She said to say hi.
17:58Still to come later in the week.
18:00What are you shooting?
18:07Gritty drama for the ABC.
18:12It's not rake, is it?
18:16That's more a comedy than a drama.
18:18You can tell from the music.
18:20Yeah?
18:21Well while you were letting them do aerial shots of your bloody jam jar
18:32going up and down that bloody road,
18:34we've had three more unexplained murders.
18:36You said to cooperate fully with the film crew,
18:38regardless of the consequences.
18:40I don't care what I said.
18:42Now get out of here and do what you bloody told!
18:49They haven't signed their permits yet!
18:51Chief's gonna be ropeable!
18:53You worry too much.
18:56Back in 95 when I was consulting on Corelli
18:58we used live ammunition
19:00and I actually got to set Hugh Jackman on fire.
19:04No paperwork at all?
19:06None.
19:07Mind you it was at the rep party.
19:10Nice fall Geoff, but lean a bit more to the right.
19:21No worries.
19:23Curiosity comes a sack.
19:27I'm telling you I know where it's at.
19:33And a heads up now as to how our contestants are going on
19:39a little later on in the show.
19:40Here's Stephen.
19:41That's exactly right Sean.
19:42And Brawler's been very busy making this rocking chair
19:45entirely out of sausages,
19:46as well as this French inspired baguette lamp
19:49with a German helmet inspired watermelon shade.
19:51So what will you be singing tonight Brawler?
19:53Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson.
19:55Should be good Sean.
19:56Plus I've got Parvo and no one liked me at school
19:59and my hair got dyed in a hairdressing accident.
20:02Thank you Stephen.
20:03Time now though to talk about a topic that deserves a little bit of lowfalutin common as Mark Plain speaking.
20:12It is I think the Bible that speaks of lambs not lying down with lions
20:22and the leopard not having congress with the young goat
20:25and a turtle not getting it on with a bee.
20:28Because God knows what unearthly hell spawn may result.
20:31Well this week we've seen what can come from an unnatural union.
20:35Three unions in fact, the maritime workers, the CFMEU
20:38and perhaps the most terrifying of all, the textile clothing and footwear union.
20:43They have joined up to form a kind of human centipede super union
20:47and people aren't happy.
20:49And when I say people, I mean the Turnbull government.
20:52Workplace Relations Minister Craig Laundey in particular,
20:54who this week has resumed talks with Senate crossbenchers
20:57in a bid to win support for the ensuring integrity bill
21:01which disallows union mergers that are not in the public interest.
21:04Joining me now is the new one-stop shop steward for the new union, Fred Kite.
21:08Brother McAuliffe, this is not about increasing our industrial muscle to incredible halt level.
21:13This is about safety in the construction and unloading of shirts and shoes industries.
21:18And we believe that by joining together, our combined power,
21:21we can eliminate the middle man.
21:23And when you say eliminate the middle man...
21:25We mean that literally, yes.
21:26A rain barometer from Craig Laundey's office.
21:30The minister has called the bill.
21:32Sorry, that jacket is strobing.
21:34Well, it's new. My wife bought it.
21:36No, it's a lovely jacket.
21:38It's just that it's strobing on camera because of the stripe,
21:40the pattern of the stripe there.
21:42Have a look at the monitor there, see?
21:44See how it's strobing? Oh, yes!
21:46It's a bit shy, it's clearing up.
21:48No, it's you, but I... I'll take it off.
21:50Yeah, you take it off, that'll be great.
21:52We'll get back to you later on.
21:54OK, thank you, alright. We'll get back to you.
21:56Now, the Australian Mines and Metals Association
21:58and Master Builders Australia have appealed
22:00to the Fair Work Commission to dissolve your new union.
22:02Brother McAuliffe, our comrades have acted in good faith
22:05and complied with all the compliances
22:07as laid out in their respective charters
22:09of our individual but allied unions.
22:11Excuse me just a minute.
22:13No, that's even worse.
22:15That's even worse.
22:17Is it the tie?
22:19No, it's not the tie.
22:20The tie is actually flaring a bit.
22:23They're strobing there.
22:24No, but it's the fine stripe.
22:25See the fine stripe in your...
22:26Have a look at the monitor.
22:27See the way it's...
22:28Do you have anything to cover the shirt?
22:34I've got a jumper in the dressing room.
22:36That's great.
22:37Alright, I'll go and get that.
22:38Go and get that.
22:39Go and get anything.
22:40It doesn't really matter just as long as I don't have any stripe on.
22:41No stripes.
22:42No stripes.
22:43Don't come back with stripes on.
22:45Gotcha.
22:46OK.
22:47Any...
22:48Sorry.
22:49Sorry.
22:50That was...
22:51Do go on.
22:52That was very interesting.
22:53We will, of course, abide by the findings of the commission, but in the event of a reversal
22:56of their decision, we will take all necessary steps.
22:59Yeah.
23:00And when you say...
23:01When you say necessary steps...
23:03We mean completely unnecessary, yes.
23:05Excuse me just a moment.
23:06The...
23:07Oh.
23:08Oh!
23:25Um.
23:27Couldn't find my jumper.
23:29It doesn't matter.
23:30It doesn't matter.
23:31Rain, the minister has called the bill he's hoping to pass through the Senate the ensuring
23:35integrity bill.
23:36Is that so that anyone in the Senate objecting can be childlessly accused of not wishing to ensure integrity in the workplace?
23:41Pretty much, yeah.
23:43It's like when we put the word corruption into the Royal Commission of the trade unions.
23:47Psychologically, it plants a seed that the corruption is already there and all the Commission has to do is find it.
23:52Conversely, with the banks, we called that one the Royal Commission into Misconduct in the banking industries.
23:58Misconduct doesn't sound nearly as bad as theft or fraud or misappropriation of funds,
24:03so people don't think anything too serious went on.
24:06We're just playing mind games, Sean.
24:08Like calling cuts to the ABC efficiency dividends.
24:11So you lot don't realise you're gradually being phased out of existence.
24:16Yes, thank you, Ryan.
24:19Still to come, Vladimir Putin.
24:21Has he taken his comic book villainy a bit too far?
24:24Here he is, entering his luxuriously appointed underground lair,
24:28terrifying two foreign guests with a dog.
24:30Then, once he feels both men are sufficiently traumatised,
24:34he takes the dog out.
24:37And shoots it.
24:40That report a little later on.
24:42But first, cigarette manufacturer Philip Morris has slashed 150 jobs from its Australian workforce.
24:50Government spokespeaker Adriana Squall.
24:52A dramatic day, 150 jobs go on just like that.
24:55Oh, dreadful news, Sean.
24:58And our hearts go out to all those employees and their families.
25:02Oh, the plus sign, though, it does mean fewer cigarettes are being smoked.
25:05Yeah, fantastic news, obviously.
25:07And our congratulations to everyone at Philip Morris.
25:09Yes, everyone who's left.
25:11Yes, it's a sad day, no doubt about it.
25:14Although medical professionals have welcomed the announcement.
25:17True.
25:18A magnificent day for our health system.
25:19Though probably less money from Big Tobacco in political donations now.
25:23Oh, it's quite tragic what's happening, Sean.
25:26Thankfully, though, there is no threat to the funding of the Philip Morris dancers.
25:29A wonderful troupe who...
25:30Can we see some Philip Morris dancing?
25:33Yes, yes.
25:48Well, and may God be with you as well.
25:51All right.
25:52Bloody robocalls.
25:55The Banking Royal Commission is providing a fascinating insight into the effect
26:00that long-term institutional abuse of customers has on banking employees.
26:05Commonwealth Bank executive Daniel Huggins explained
26:07that they hadn't got rid of trailing commissions for mortgage brokers
26:10despite them not being in the customer's best interests
26:12because these changes would need to be done on a uniform basis.
26:17Otherwise, what is a very important business to the Commonwealth Bank
26:20could be substantially damaged.
26:22The Commonwealth Bank knows that it's wrong, but it continues to do it.
26:25Classic compulsive behaviour, isn't it, pop psychotrologist Marie Spoons?
26:28Yeah, exactly, Sean.
26:31The Combank says that they will only stop doing what they're doing.
26:34The thing that they know is not good for customers
26:36when all the other banks stop it too,
26:39which they know will never happen.
26:40It's what we so-called experts call conditional bullshit.
26:45A bit like a child saying they'll get off their computer
26:48when they finish the game.
26:49Or the Catholic Church saying they'll contribute to the compensation fund
26:53once they see the compensation guidelines.
26:55Lucas Skadaddle from Combank,
26:58if something is objectively wrong,
27:01why does whether you stop it depend on a relative consideration?
27:04Sean, it's like murder.
27:06If we live in a world where murder is wrong and no-one does it,
27:09then we wouldn't do it.
27:10But if everyone is a murderer, then we'd be fools
27:13not to leap in as an enthusiastic contributor in the killing spree.
27:17You can see trailing commissions encourage brokers
27:20to sell your customers mortgages that will take longer to pay off.
27:23Yes.
27:23But you won't stop it because the other banks will continue to do it.
27:26Yes.
27:27If we don't take advantage of our customers
27:29being taken advantage of by our brokers,
27:31then someone else will.
27:33It's like Nazi Germany.
27:35If no-one joined up, then Hitler would have never risen to power.
27:39But, you see, people were hypnotised
27:40by his promises of a more prosperous life.
27:43Our shareholders are in exactly the same position.
27:47Marie, can so-called people like Lucas
27:49be reprogrammed to behave more like human beings with a...
27:53One hates to use the word soul, but how can one avoid it?
27:57Sean, I've done experiments on mice
27:59where I trained them to run the home loan division
28:01of a Commonwealth bank branch,
28:03and I found that by rewarding them,
28:05by not closing them down
28:07every time they gave customers proper service,
28:10they learned to conduct themselves
28:12as if they were moral beings.
28:14I see.
28:14On the other hand,
28:15when they offered a customer a product
28:17from their commercial division designed to shaft them,
28:20I fed them this cube of poison and killed them.
28:25May I borrow that?
28:26Oh, sorry. Yes, of course.
28:27Thank you very much.
28:28Lucas?
28:29Yes?
28:31I'm going to ask you one more time
28:34whether the Commonwealth Bank will stop trailing mortgage fees
28:36because they're bad for its customers.
28:38And if you say,
28:39not until the other banks stop it,
28:40I'm going to feed you this poison and you will die.
28:43Do you understand?
28:44Absolutely.
28:45All right.
28:45Lucas, are you going to...
28:46Not until the other banks stop it!
28:54Thanks, Marie.
28:57Hey, hey, hey, hey!
28:58Marie!
28:59Can't just leave your own bike here wherever you want!
29:02Yes, I can!
29:03And just a reminder that later in the program,
29:13Pauline Hanson talks about why she's in a field of her own.
29:16Well, this is definitely not Canberra.
29:18I'm on my creek at home
29:20and it's great to have a day away from...
29:22from the bustle of Canberra
29:24and the halls of Parliament.
29:28And we'll have more on that special report from Pauline
29:30about her day off very soon.
29:33Time now, though, for some of this.
29:34Oh, sorry.
29:35Time now, though, for some of this.
29:37The green-bottle blowfly,
29:39Nucilia Caesar,
29:41lays its eggs in a circle.
29:44So does the extraordinary
29:45Mrs Elspeth Hatred.
29:47Sean McAuliffe's
29:49The Extraordinary Animal Mimicry
29:51of Mrs Elspeth Hatred.
29:53Saturday, 6.57am.
29:57Welcome back.
29:58Well, a jewellery store in the CBD
30:00was broken into overnight.
30:01Bunny Monoxide filed this report.
30:03The thieves took jewellery that wasn't theirs.
30:07No more?
30:08Email bmonoxide at hotmail.com.
30:11Sean.
30:13Thanks, Bunny.
30:14Well, not coming up because Sando's on in a minute.
30:17Rex T goes the same way as T-Rex.
30:20And stink over dropping
30:23of China's presidential term limit,
30:26a yin-ping-pong.
30:29Well, finally, I admit,
30:32I don't know a lot about sport.
30:33But...
30:34Greece has suspended its football league
30:36indefinitely
30:37after an angry football team owner
30:39strode onto the pitch
30:41armed with a handgun.
30:42I think it's time to scrap
30:45those penalty shoot-outs.
30:46Goodbye.
30:48APPLAUSE
30:49APPLAUSE
30:50Guys, baby.
30:53APPLAUSE
30:56Bye.