- 7 months ago
Original Broadcast Date: July 20th 2016
Category
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TVTranscript
00:001, 2, 3, 4
00:30Thank you. You know, they say there are three things you should never talk about in polite company.
00:46Money, politics and religion.
00:48But for Christ's sake, did you hear how much Malcolm Turnbull donated to the Liberal Party during the election?
00:54$1 million of his own personal money.
00:57And news is just gossip these days, isn't it?
00:59Because some in the media are saying, oh, $1 million, that's a lot of money.
01:02What does he want in return?
01:04And others are saying, oh, well, you know, he's worth $200 million anyway.
01:07$1 million won't mean anything to him.
01:08In fact, given how bereft of funds the Liberal Party was during the campaign,
01:12Malcolm could probably claim the million as a charitable donation to get a tax deduction.
01:16But the real question, I think, is why was the Liberal Party's war chest so flat in the first place
01:21that its bra needed padding by Malcolm's cash?
01:25Well, come over to the other camera.
01:29You remember the New South Wales Electoral Commission?
01:35Well, they froze $4.4 million of the Liberal Party's funds in New South Wales
01:39because they've been receiving donations from property developers,
01:42which is totally illegal because they might want something in return.
01:46Now, who do you think is to blame for all this?
01:49Well, according to Arthur Sinodinos, who was treasurer of the New South Wales Liberal Party at the time,
01:58not Arthur Sinodinos.
01:59He made it very clear at two Senate inquiries and ICAC that as treasurer,
02:05he didn't know anything about who the donations came from
02:07or how they came to be laundered through the Free Enterprise Foundation slush fund.
02:11It had nothing to do with him as treasurer of the New South Wales Liberal Party,
02:15where the money ended up.
02:17And on the adequacy of the disclosure system for political donations,
02:21Arthur has been very clear.
02:22We do need a system which does not put the political system in a difficult position.
02:34Yes.
02:38And I don't think any of us want to see Arthur in a difficult position.
02:42Anyway, with no money of their own for the campaign,
02:45the Libs needed Malcolm to help them out.
02:47Now, unlike the property developers, though,
02:48Malcolm wanted nothing in return except to remain as Prime Minister for the next three years.
02:53And it's a testament to the Liberal Party's integrity that they probably won't let him.
02:59So Malcolm's donation is just like yours or mine,
03:02except that in our case, our donation to the Liberal Party came out of our tax dollars
03:06and went through a data mining company called Parakelia.
03:09And that's what I'd really like to talk about tonight.
03:14OK, now, you all remember Parakelia, don't you?
03:17Yes!
03:19That's right.
03:20Most Liberal MPs pay $2,500 a year out of their taxpayer-funded office allowance
03:25to vote a tracking software firm Parakelia,
03:28a company which also shares an office and two directors with the Liberal Party.
03:32Which I suppose is convenient because it means that the money didn't actually have to travel that far.
03:36Actually, a lot of it doesn't travel any distance at all
03:38because Parakelia appears to have donated about a million dollars to the Liberal Party
03:41over the past two years.
03:43Now, if taxpayers' money is ending up...
03:46..in Liberal Party coffers,
03:52is that an issue?
03:55Or does it just balance out the support Labor gets
03:58from taxpayer-funded things like the ABC?
04:00Well, no, rest assured that it's all above board.
04:02Our tax dollars are being used by the Liberal Party
04:05to fund access to finding out how we vote for the Liberal Party
04:08with any profits derived going to fund Liberal Party ads
04:11which use that information to get us to vote for the Liberal Party.
04:13Of course, the big problem for Mr Turnbull isn't what he spent on the election.
04:21It's what to do about...
04:23Now, does he reward Tony...
04:27..does he reward Tony for his discipline during the campaign
04:32and offer him the Syrian ambassadorship
04:34or punish him for still hanging around
04:37by making him sit next to Christopher Pyne in Parliament?
04:40Father of the House, Kevin Andrews, has gone on record
04:43saying that he thinks that Tony should be returned to the...
04:46Kevin thinks that Tony should be on the front bench.
04:52But nothing was mentioned about it in Monday's party room meeting
04:55which, otherwise, went very well, as you can see.
04:59And, unfortunately, there was no opportunity
05:01to even discuss it at Sunday's party at the lodge
05:03where members of the new government were invited to a knees-up
05:06to follow the old government's balls-up.
05:09Now, as you can see, with fewer members in the House,
05:11these slices of victory cake were a lot bigger.
05:14Anyway, it was a great party.
05:16Julie Bishop arrived in her comm car
05:18and Michaelia Cash arrived in hysterics.
05:20But no Tony Abbott,
05:23who apparently had a prior appointment with a voodoo doll.
05:27Sadly, really, you know,
05:28because Malcolm extends the hand of friendship
05:30and Tony extends the middle finger of his right hand.
05:33It throws away the one chance
05:35to see how the inside of the lodge looks
05:36now that the renos are done.
05:39Personal assistant to the Cabinet Secretary, Lionel Richie,
05:42should Tony Abbott be brought back into the Cabinet room?
05:45Just to remind him what the room looks like, Sean,
05:48and maybe rub his nose in it.
05:49But no, not as Minister.
05:51Look, I'm not going to speculate, Sean.
05:53That's a question for the Prime Minister.
05:54Yes, but what's your opinion, though?
05:56Well, that too is entirely a question for the Prime Minister.
06:00What, your personal opinion?
06:02Also a question for the Prime Minister.
06:04What, so the question of whether you're actually saying
06:06whether your personal opinion on this matter
06:08is a question for the Prime Minister
06:09is another question for the Prime Minister?
06:12You'd have to ask him, Sean.
06:13Well, what would be a question for you, then?
06:17That was one.
06:20Moment's gone now, though, isn't it?
06:22Now, even if Tony isn't restored to the front bench,
06:25the PM may still be forced to compromise on other things,
06:28things that he went to the election on,
06:29like proposed changes to superannuation.
06:32Well, the superannuation measures were presented
06:34to the party room as a budget,
06:36and then the budget was immediately announced to the people,
06:40and we went off to an election.
06:42So this matter has not been properly ventilated
06:45through the party room.
06:49Yes, and the reason it hasn't been properly ventilated
06:52is that the fan is covered in shit.
06:53It's been hit from all directions,
06:57from Erica Betts, from Corey Bernardi, from Kevin Andrews,
07:01who would each tell you that none of it stinks.
07:03But some in the party are insisting
07:06on seeing the super changes through.
07:07Michaelia Cash could not have made this clearer.
07:10The Australian people have given us a mandate
07:12to implement our changes.
07:15I mean, she could have,
07:16but her jaw would have probably snapped off.
07:19And then there was the news about the jobless rate.
07:21With the jobless rate rising from 5.7% to 5.8% in June.
07:27And that's despite an increase in the number of jobs created.
07:30So when Mr Turnbull said, jobs and growth,
07:33what he meant was jobs and growth in the unemployment rate.
07:38It's not as catchy, I suppose, is it?
07:40But whatever rationalising went on at the party
07:43and whatever back-patting went on in the party room,
07:45it's good that there's someone like Erica Betts,
07:47perhaps even Erica Betts himself,
07:48to tell it like it is, as only a dumped minister can.
07:52When we have had such a big kick up the pants
07:55as we have had as a coalition,
07:57and especially the Liberal Party element of the coalition,
08:01then I think it is worthwhile to ask the question,
08:04why did we hemorrhage so many seats?
08:07Well, I think he's answered his own question, hasn't he?
08:11If you get a big kick up the pants,
08:13there's bound to be some seat hemorrhaging.
08:16Actually, you get a kick in the pants, don't you?
08:19Not up the pants.
08:20You get a kick up the bum or in the bum,
08:22but the only way up your pants is via the trouser leg.
08:27You never get your leg up there
08:29unless you put your pants on upside down.
08:30Anyway, arguments about Erica Betts' pants,
08:34who wants to get into them?
08:37Send your entries to
08:39who wants to get into Erica Betts' pants,
08:40for argument's sake, care of the ABC, etc.
08:43And you could be in the running to win
08:45a Sarah Fergusonic, the Hedgehog,
08:47downloadable interview app.
08:49How many questions can you avoid
08:50before having to answer for mobile and tablet?
08:53Mmm, that's nice.
08:54Well, time now for us to get mad-ass
08:58about something that's actually important
09:00as we rattle our sabres
09:01at a certain unnamed Asian country
09:03who speaks mainly Mandarin.
09:07Now, if this were current affair,
09:12they would be totally loving this story.
09:14Neighbours fighting over something.
09:16In this case, where the boundary is in their ocean.
09:19Now, the Philippines says it's here.
09:21Vietnam says it's there.
09:23China says it's everywhere.
09:25Malaysia says, no, it's like this.
09:27And Brunei says, fuck you all.
09:29We reckon it's this small rectangle.
09:34Like most neighbours from Hell Stories, though,
09:36it's all ended up
09:37at the UN International Court of Arbitration
09:39in The Hague,
09:40where they found that China had, in fact,
09:41no legal basis to claim
09:43historical rights over the sea.
09:45China, for their part, took it on the chin.
09:47And Mr Chin then referred the matter
09:49to Vice Foreign Minister Lu Zemin,
09:51who said this.
09:52And that's perfectly understandable.
10:06Shadow Defence Minister Stephen Conroy, though,
10:10suggested that in the wake of the ruling...
10:12Australia should authorise its forces
10:17to both sail and fly over the areas of the South China Sea.
10:24Wouldn't this be provocative,
10:26Vice Recap and voice of Bobo Gaggle?
10:29Absolutely, Sean.
10:30I mean, these people are our major trading partner.
10:32We'd be shooting ourselves in the foot
10:34if we flew over one of their beautiful man-made islands
10:36and got ourselves blown out of the sky
10:38by one of their Chan Wei Vanguard
10:40service-to-air missiles.
10:41To say nothing had been caught in the crossfire
10:43between them and the US.
10:44Yes, it's best not to mention that, Sean.
10:46It gets people worried.
10:48I'm filling my bell-bottoms now at the very thought.
10:51I mean, the motto of the Australian Defence Force
10:54has been and will always be,
10:56for God's sake, don't get involved.
10:58Really? I didn't know that.
10:59Oh, yes.
10:59It's written on the hulls of our frigates.
11:01On the back, so the enemy can read it
11:02as we're leaving as quickly as possible.
11:04Spokesperson for the People's Republic of China,
11:07former US Infantry Sergeant Bennett Marko.
11:09Why won't China accept the decision of the Hague?
11:12Sean, this is a local dispute.
11:15The Hague's all the way over in Holland or somewhere, isn't it?
11:19Yes.
11:19I mean, China is in China.
11:22There may be a few other places, like Tibet and Taiwan.
11:25But we've got one and a half billion people to look after.
11:28I mean, everyone bangs on when we invade other places to put them,
11:31so we thought we'd build a few new places
11:34to put them out in the South China Sea
11:35where they wouldn't bother anybody.
11:37Just the same as you putting up a granny flat in your own backyard.
11:41Yeah, well, there aren't millions of barrels of oil in my backyard, are there?
11:44Well, there are if your backyard's East Timor.
11:47Sean, Sean, don't escalate tensions.
11:50They won't buy our iron ore.
11:52Ore what?
11:53Ore he'll, you know, he'll do the...
11:56Sean, shh, shh, shh.
11:57What about the...
11:57No, no, no, they're for emergencies only.
11:59What are you talking about?
12:00He comes out every time I talk to you for no reason at all.
12:04People at home don't know what the hell's going on.
12:06They ring up John Fane the next day and even he can't tell them.
12:09Ray Hadley's got no idea either,
12:10although that's just a general observation.
12:12Look, I don't want no problems.
12:15Look, he's a sea creature.
12:16Aren't we going on about the battle in the South China Sea?
12:19This would be the first time in the five years we've been on air
12:22that it would actually make some sort of sense.
12:25Are you talking about the Kraken?
12:29No, no, no.
12:29Yes, he is.
12:30Yes, he is.
12:31And you better watch it, mate.
12:33You think the Chinese are inscrutable?
12:34Wait till you see this.
12:36Go on, go on, do it.
12:37I...
12:38I left my trident in the car.
12:40Well, here, use mine.
12:44That's a bit gay, isn't it?
12:45Go on.
12:45If you release the Kraken, my round-eyed friends,
12:51then I am forced to summon China's own famous mythological creature,
12:56Hosey Moppa!
13:09Very well.
13:11You give me no option, then.
13:14Release the...
13:16What is it?
13:19Kraken...
13:19And still to come, later in the week.
13:40Welcome to a brand-new series of Midsummer Murders
13:58as Causton Village struggles to cope
14:00with the relentless county-wide slaughter
14:02of the previous and highly popular Seventeen season.
14:06Delightful Sunday night viewing on ABC.
14:09One of the most satisfying things about doing this show,
14:14apart from being able to pursue my Trotskyite agenda with impunity,
14:17is when young people come up to me
14:20and say how much they enjoy what we do
14:22and how it's their only source of news
14:24and that everything they know about politics in this country,
14:27and Krakens, comes from watching us every week
14:30except when State of Origin is on.
14:31And I think getting involved in politics at an early age is healthy.
14:34That's why I was pleased to see this picture in the Herald last week
14:38of some young Liberals getting together and exchanging ideas over something to eat.
14:42And I was slightly less impressed with the headline,
14:44Erica Betts ditches young Liberal dinner as meeting descends into farce,
14:48particularly given that it wasn't that long ago
14:50that Erica Betts himself, seen here back in the 70s at a young Liberal function,
14:55was honouring Malcolm Fraser over cheese and nibblies
14:58along with fellow young Liberals Peter Costello, Michael Kroger
15:00and, I think, Tony Martin.
15:06Imagine how upset Eric and Michael and Peter and Tony would have been
15:10if Malcolm Fraser had refused to turn up and talk to them.
15:13It would have destroyed their faith in Conservative politics.
15:16And I remember how upset I was
15:17when I went to a rally for Bob Santamaria back in the 60s
15:20and he refused to come out of his dressing room
15:22because someone had stolen his clothes and shaved off his eyebrows.
15:26Young Liberals Kate Jochima and Oscar Pelmut Curtin.
15:29You must have been devastated that Eric cancelled on you.
15:33Oh, he got pretty ugly, Sean.
15:35You stick 150 students in a room with unlimited cider,
15:38a Conservative agenda and no headline act
15:40and that is a recipe for a kettle of fish waiting to go off.
15:45I'm surprised no-one got killed.
15:47Yeah, well, Oscar obviously took one for the team.
15:49Nah, he's always been like that.
15:52It's Kate I feel for.
15:54Man, she made that boat shed look like a glittering fucking fairyland.
15:57Oh, Sean, Eric would have loved it.
16:00I'd put up bunting and pictures of our enemies
16:03and made an effigy of him on every table made out of sauerkraut.
16:08Tell them about the dance we could.
16:10Oh, yeah!
16:11We were going to...
16:12While Eric was doing his speech on cultural wars
16:15and political correctness,
16:16we were going to dance the Charleston
16:18to Calvin Harris's This Is What You Came For.
16:21Do you want us to do it for you?
16:23No, no, I'm good.
16:24I'm good.
16:25Spokesperson for Erica Betts is management Moby Dilweed.
16:29The reported reason for Eric's no-show
16:31was that the all-male executive bloc
16:33were under siege from factional enemies
16:35who split off to create their own breakaway organisation,
16:38creating the impression that they all spend more time
16:40and energy fighting each other
16:41than fighting a cause
16:42and a power-hungry, ruthless and immoral.
16:45That's pretty much it, Sean.
16:47And I think Eric would refuse to have anything to do
16:50with a party that carried on like that.
16:53Well, thank you, Moby.
16:54Erica Betts' last-minute replacement was his eminence,
16:57the Catholic Archbishop of Hobart, Julian Porteous.
16:59How did he go now?
17:00No, she does.
17:00We set fire to him!
17:02OK.
17:03Well, guys, thank you for your time
17:05and please accept, with our compliments,
17:07this new book from Michaelia Cash,
17:09The Unlikely Ventriloquist.
17:10I hope you enjoy it.
17:12The fact of the matter is that Eric tells it like it is
17:15even if he's not there
17:16or there's no need to say anything in the first place.
17:19Time now, though, for a little bit of our own plain speaking.
17:25Now, it's become increasingly evident
17:27that our PM's plan to replace an unruly Senate with a ruly one
17:30has had cold water poured over its troubled waters
17:33instead of the oil he was hoping to set fire to
17:35in a Viking funeral gone horribly wrong,
17:38pushed out to sea on an ice floe
17:40with not so much as a paddle to poke a stick at.
17:42With three million or so Senate votes still to be counted,
17:47one thing the Coalition can count on at the moment
17:49is uncertainty.
17:51And that despite their best efforts
17:52to win over the good people of NQR,
17:56FNQ,
17:58with infrastructure projects,
18:00$24 worth of beads
18:01and a threat to blot out the sun,
18:03One Nation may well be the voice of these people,
18:06particularly project leader of the Galileo movement
18:09and former child from Village of the Damned,
18:11Malcolm Roberts,
18:12who says he wants climate scepticism taught in schools.
18:17Former Senator for the Great State of Queensland
18:19and Environment Advisor to One Nation,
18:21Matthew Harrison Brady,
18:22I'm assuming, sir, that you are...
18:23..you are...
18:24..you are sceptical about climate change,
18:27not climate itself.
18:28Ah, not so fast, young man.
18:30If the...
18:31..if the good Lord had meant us to believe in climate,
18:34he would have made us less incredulous about it.
18:38Until we have a royal commission, sir,
18:40into this so-called climate,
18:42and until our so-called Bureau of Meteorology
18:45can explain why it has never predicted
18:48the arrival of one meteor on this planet,
18:50until I can see the sea level rise in my own hands,
18:55then I believe our children should be taught
18:57to assume that none of it is true.
18:59But how does teaching scepticism of science
19:01sit with scientists and teachers, Professor of Boxhill-Tafi
19:04in OrbSpider?
19:04Sure.
19:05The assumption that things are not capable of existing
19:08without scientific proof is a fallacy,
19:10proven conclusively by the 6th-century Athenian theory
19:12that the world was spherical,
19:13despite it not being proved
19:15until Magellan's circumnavigation of the Earth in the 1520s.
19:18That is true, young man.
19:20If I were to say to you
19:21that a teapot or a moon revolves around the Earth,
19:25it would not be up to you to disprove it, sir,
19:27but for me to prove it.
19:28That is the scientific method.
19:29Yes, but I think that's the Professor's point, Mr Brady.
19:32If things cannot exist without proof,
19:34then how do you explain gravity before Isaac Newton?
19:36Or the existence of a God particle.
19:38Which we should have a royal commission into also, sir.
19:42For how can we know whether Islam is a religion
19:44or a political system
19:46unless we are told by the laws of decent, God-fearing white men?
19:52Sure, I could Google it and learn about it, I suppose,
19:56but who has time for that nowadays
19:58with Family Feud on six nights a week?
20:01Or all those anti-halal leaflets
20:03to photocopy at my daughter's crystal-bed therapy showroom?
20:07Yes, well, he makes a good point, Professor Ian.
20:09Most people are stupid, aren't they?
20:10They don't listen.
20:12And the subject of my new book,
20:14entitled 1,000 Things You Thought You Do But Didn't Realise You Didn't,
20:17all of which I propose to read now.
20:19One, that lightning will never strike in the same place twice.
20:27Two, that the smallest bone in the human body
20:30is the ossicle in the human ear.
20:32The smallest bone in the human body
20:34is, in fact, Grant Deniers.
20:39The integrity of a scientific fact
20:41is only as strong as the brain that can't comprehend it.
20:44The witness is excused, sir.
20:45The witness is excused.
20:47But right now, it's time for news from countries that aren't Australia.
20:55Well, to the UK first,
20:56where former Prime Minister David Cameron
20:58and his family have moved out of Number 10 Downing Street.
21:01New Prime Minister Theresa May then popped round to check Mr Cameron
21:04had left the oven clean and not stolen any of the fittings
21:06before returning later to outline her hope for the country.
21:09And we will make Britain a country
21:11that works not for a privileged few,
21:14but for every one of us.
21:16Then it was off to visit the privileged few
21:18that the country doesn't work for
21:20and advise them that Mr Cameron would indeed get his bond back.
21:24And mad as hell, political scientist Lois Price
21:26is high in the sky above Number 10.
21:28But, Lois, I understand tabloid attention
21:30is now turning to Theresa May's husband, Philip.
21:33Yeah, that's right.
21:34Have you seen him, Sean?
21:35Well, we have some vision here, Lois.
21:37Yeah, she can't be accused of punching above her weight,
21:39that's for sure.
21:40And there's a bit of Dennis Thatcher in him, Sean.
21:42Not literally, although I'd have to check.
21:45But Theresa actually described Philip as her rock.
21:48I don't see the resemblance myself,
21:50so I'm guessing it's more because she likes to keep him in the front yard
21:53and hide her spare key under him.
21:55Maximise your chicken experience
21:57with a Guido's chicken and chicken bucket.
21:59Three pieces of chicken plus a piece of chicken.
22:01All Guido's chicken products are from 100% caged chickens.
22:05Guaranteed to lock in that flavour.
22:06Mention this ad for a verbal barrage about what a waste of money it was.
22:10I'm Lois Price for matters, Al.
22:12Thanks very much, Lois.
22:13And finally, to New York's Long Island,
22:16where a woman has been arrested for robbing a bank.
22:18Apparently, when apprehended,
22:19she was wearing a bright pink scarf,
22:21white-rimmed sunglasses, several rings,
22:22and carrying a large metallic coloured tote bag.
22:25Sergeant Max Payne,
22:26if this arrest had taken place in this country,
22:28what would have been the charge?
22:29Nothing, Sean.
22:30We would have done it free, as it was a public service.
22:33And what about the bright pink scarf,
22:35white-rimmed sunglasses, several rings,
22:36and large metallic coloured tote bag?
22:38Well, these items would have been charged.
22:40Probably with being accessories.
22:45Australia's greatest living Prime Minister talks about a dead one.
22:49I remember I woke naked in a ditch
22:52in the embrace of Sir Robert's corpse.
22:56I can't explain what happened,
22:59only that the police asked me to move on from the town
23:03that I was drifting through at the time.
23:05I went over a bridge and the sheriff pulled up
23:08and he said,
23:09I think you should move on.
23:11I said, I am moving on.
23:13And he put me in the back
23:15and took me back to the police station.
23:17And I was stripped as naked as the day I was born.
23:20And they shot a fire hose at me.
23:22And I was, I don't know what,
23:24to think about that.
23:25And then I went off into the forest
23:28and I abided my time,
23:31as I did during the 1996 election.
23:35I emerged victorious with some semi-automatic weaponry
23:39and sprayed the town as much as I could.
23:42I killed several people.
23:44I won't deny that.
23:45I don't resile from my attitude at the time.
23:47It was necessary.
23:48And it was a sort of step that was expected of me.
23:53And I make no apology for that.
23:55I'm sorry, but I don't.
23:56Anyway, hang on, no, I'm thinking of Rambo.
23:59The film I saw.
24:02I'm sorry about that.
24:03You can cut around that.
24:05I wouldn't use that
24:06because most of that was fiction.
24:07Welcome back.
24:10You know, I was thinking about Malcolm
24:11while I was in the make-up chair before the show,
24:13getting my false nose put on.
24:15And it occurred to me
24:16that just two months ago,
24:17everybody loved him.
24:18And now, for some reason,
24:20the relationship has gone sour.
24:22Ordinary voter Tate Porridge,
24:23what's going on?
24:26Malcolm just isn't who I thought he was.
24:30I really thought we were going to get
24:32our greenhouse gas emissions
24:33below 16.93 metric tonnes per capita.
24:36Tate, it's not my place,
24:39but maybe you're asking too much of him.
24:42Maybe.
24:45But then he tells me
24:46the cuts to the corporate tax rate
24:48are going to catalyse wages growth
24:49and GDP growth.
24:51You didn't believe him.
24:55It's less than 0.1%
24:57and he's running deficits
24:59over the entire Ford estimates.
25:01So you turned away from him
25:02to teach him a lesson.
25:06You nearly lost him.
25:10You want to know the truth, Sean?
25:13Malcolm was just a rebound thing
25:15after Tony.
25:19I sort of actually think
25:20that I'm over Tony.
25:22Thanks, Tate.
25:47You know, nothing makes me happier
25:53than to see a fellow Aussie
25:54make it big overseas.
25:56Unless it's another comedian.
25:57Then I get all bitter and weird.
25:59But if it's someone non-threatening
26:00like a sports star
26:01or media baron
26:02or a famous underwear model,
26:04then I think,
26:04great, good on them.
26:05But the downside for my niceness
26:07is that when they crash and burn,
26:09I feel sad.
26:10Again, unless they're a comedian.
26:11That's why I'm a bit down tonight
26:14because I read
26:14in the Catholic Herald Online
26:16that the Pope has reduced
26:17the power of his financial czar,
26:19Cardinal George Pell.
26:21He must be very disappointed,
26:22assistant to the Cardinal
26:23Bishop Straitman.
26:24Oh, no, Sean, not at all.
26:28His wondrous eminence's radiant self-belief
26:31in his own magnificence
26:32remains undiminished,
26:34despite the minor adjustments
26:35that we have had to make here
26:38at the office of the Secretariat.
26:40What sort of adjustments?
26:42Oh, we've had to let some of our staff go,
26:45but divinity has not let it bother him one job.
26:48Oh, don't you believe it?
26:49He's absolutely livid.
26:50Oh, he's got to scrub his own back
26:52in the bath now.
26:52We used to have three nuns
26:54on a ladder with a broom.
26:56Oh, and who for the Cardinal's vestibule?
26:58Oh, I can't.
26:59Don't you back till three?
27:01Oh, get up, get up, get up!
27:03I know!
27:07I'm sorry about that, Sean.
27:09No, not at all.
27:10Is there any way Cardinal Pell
27:11can regain his powers?
27:13Well, Sean, as I...
27:14Yes, I know.
27:14I said to him, I said,
27:15George, if you want to regain your powers,
27:17you should fly up to the sun like Birdman
27:19and absorb its life-giving rays.
27:21And he said, no,
27:22the sun already shines out of his arse
27:24and that's quite close enough.
27:25Thank you very much.
27:26Get out!
27:27Get out!
27:27I told you to get out!
27:28Yes, I know.
27:30Get out!
27:31Tell me, tell me, Bishop.
27:33Bishop!
27:35It is an ancient Christ!
27:39Bishop, did His Holiness,
27:41the Pope, explain
27:42why he was stripping the Cardinal
27:44of these powers?
27:47Let me make one thing clear.
27:49His most holy and invisible Pell
27:52has not been stripped of anything.
27:55In fact, quite the reverse...
27:56He's escaped from his cage again!
28:01Oh, get those sedative darts,
28:02you know, the ones you used
28:03on Mother Teresa
28:04and your blowpipe.
28:05I told you to incarcerate him
28:06in the cloisters!
28:07Oh, matron, please!
28:10Oh, shit!
28:10Get him!
28:11Where is he?
28:12Yes!
28:12Oh, there he is!
28:13Oh, there he goes again!
28:14Yes!
28:15I'm coming out because
28:18Catherine Tate's on in a minute.
28:20Prime Minister promotes
28:22junior members of ministry
28:23to Cabinet positions.
28:25Irony is subjects
28:26of latest Spencer tunic photo
28:28wear neither Spencers
28:29nor tunics.
28:30And I've never used steroids
28:32in my life,
28:33says 11-year-old Russian
28:34floor gymnast Svetlana.
28:36And finally,
28:38for anyone who's worried
28:39that the new parliament
28:40will have too many
28:41lunatic fringe nutjobs in it,
28:42well, don't forget
28:43that a lot of that
28:44will be offset
28:45by the increased numbers
28:46in parliament
28:46of rational,
28:47considered National Party members.
28:55And to take us out tonight,
28:56a music video
28:57from the National Party
28:58that almost broke the internet
28:59when it was released
29:00on YouTube
29:00during the campaign.
29:02I mean, you don't get 268 views
29:03unless you're doing something right.
29:05When you see it,
29:06I think you'll agree.
29:07It's the reason
29:08they did so well
29:08on polling day
29:09and why we'll be seeing
29:10a lot more of them
29:11in Cabinet.
29:11Enjoy.
29:12The future of Australia
29:17is in the country.
29:20We can be the showcase
29:22of the world
29:22with bold ideas
29:25and Aussie innovations
29:26and all the things
29:29the country does so well.
29:31We need a country voice
29:34in Canberra
29:35We need a country voice
29:39that's strong
29:40Where you find coal
29:41and where you find miners
29:43We need the voice
29:45of the national
29:46We are doing no more
29:47than what people
29:48have asked us of
29:49They've been fighting
29:50for the country all along
29:52Cutting the red cape
29:53They've been fighting
29:55for the country
29:56all along
29:57This is pumpkin.
30:00Good night.
30:02Die, baby.
30:03I'll kill you!
30:09I'll kill you!
30:09I'll kill you!
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