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00:00Oh
00:20Come on Terry hold him. I'm sorry gov. He's heavy, and he's not my brother
00:26Oh
00:28Bastards key
00:32Oh Terry what sorry Tony come on pick him up
00:36Well, this is meant to be a pub crawl that the fat get cruel don't talk about Tony Alex like that. He's a great man
00:42Yeah, great big fat man
00:45Stop it pick him up
00:49No, no, no lift with your knees not your back
00:51Look at your back not your knees. Can't we just leave him here?
00:56Oh, no, course not. It's his birthday. Only for another ten minutes
01:03Obviously we can't get him in in the next ten minutes then he's on his own
01:07Right here. We go come on Tony right one
01:11Oh
01:21Christ he's going he's going
01:31I'm dislocating my arms stop moaning. This is the best exercise we've had in years
01:36I'm already starting to feel the burn, you know when you get those shooting pains. Don't you left arm? Yeah?
01:48I think that's enough for now
01:50Best have another drink a gov. I'm sorry Terry. It's 11 15 the licensee laws of this great land forbid me from selling you a drink
01:58I was waiting everything that one wouldn't it?
02:13Damn these useless hands will this barman's hand never leave me look at me don't look at me
02:20Yeah, I'll do it gov don't patronize me
02:23Oh, but I'm gasping. All right then Terry just this once don't tell anyone
02:35You couldn't pop my arms back in their lockets could you yeah, all right
02:46My arms my beautiful arms I thought I'd never be out of feel myself again
02:53Yeah
02:55Who'd have thought Tony Harris a conk out after only 25 pints, eh?
03:00I have to say gov such a big bloke. He's a fucking lightweight
03:04Oi
03:05Sorry, I've warned you don't talk about Tony like that. He's not fair, but he is fat
03:10He could hire himself out as a bouncy castle at children's parties
03:14I mean he's not tiny Harris is he?
03:16Come on Terry
03:18Oi, Tony
03:19It's survival of the fittest. You must have misheard it
03:23Terry
03:24Don't disrespect him. Tony Harris was the finest brewery at that brewery ever had he worked for the man and boy and then when they were done with him
03:30They kicked him out on the street without any warning. I seem to remember there was some warning two written and free herbal
03:37Yeah
03:39Apart from the actual warnings. There was no actual warning there was they warned him he'd lose his job
03:43He didn't stop drinking brewery alcohol on brewery time and passing out every afternoon on brewery premises
03:49Never let it be said of Tony Harris that he couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery
03:52Oh, we could provided that the guest list was restricted to one
03:57That's something those suits the brewery will never understand
04:00I mean there's a dignity in drinking on your own. It's a thing of poetry. It's beautiful
04:04I mean it shows that you love the booze for itself. Yeah, not some sort of fair-weather friend. I love you
04:12I mean social drinkers make me sick the sort of people who need an excuse like a birth of a child or a wedding to get them into a pub
04:18They're it they're amateurs part-timers excuses for drinkers
04:23Yeah, but Tony
04:25He's an alcoholic
04:27It's sad
04:29Please Terry
04:37You know we don't call them that. Yeah, I prefer the term booze bees who turn mother nature's nectar into liquid golden honey
04:44Buzz buzz gum
04:46Buzz buzz gum
04:49Take yourself
04:57Oh, no, you should never be ashamed of drinking Terry
05:00Because at least by drinking we're doing something aren't we, eh?
05:03Well, that's the thing these days people live longer than they have in all of human history and what do they do with that extra time?
05:15Nothing, yeah
05:16People these days actually look forward to doing nothing, don't they, yeah?
05:19What are you doing the weekend? Nothing, I can't wait, yeah?
05:22What did you do last night after work? I did nothing, it was fantastic, yeah?
05:25What are you doing the summer? I'll go to Portugal for two weeks, it's gonna do nothing
05:28It's gonna cost us four grand, it's gonna be blinding
05:32So never be ashamed of drinks, at least by drinking, we are doing something
05:38I'm one of life's high achievers
05:43And one for Tony
05:45I think he's had enough, Terry
05:47Nonsense, 25 pints, that's 35 pints short of his age
05:51Terry, I don't think it's fair to expect everyone to do their pint for every year of their life birthday thing
05:57I mean, the man nearly died last year
05:59Alright
06:01I'll pay for them
06:02Alright, fair play
06:10There you go, Tony
06:121967
06:17Summer of love
06:19Hmm, I was 12
06:21But I had to be part of it
06:23So I ran away from the home
06:25And went to San Francisco
06:27Let me tell you, Gov
06:28What an amazing city
06:30San Francisco's nothing special
06:32It's just Brighton with a bridge
06:35I flogged the home's minibus to raise the money
06:38And let me tell you, it was well worth it
06:41Cause that summer, I lost my virginity
06:43You lost your virginity when you was 12?
06:46That's 11 years you've got on me
06:48You bastard
06:49That's immoral
06:50Well, lucky, depending on your point of view
06:53She was a lovely girl
06:55Six foot tall, very flamboyant dress sense
06:58Lots of make-up, big strong hands
07:00Erm, Terry
07:02I think that she might
07:04She was my first fiancé, as it happens
07:05She insisted we were engaged before we made love
07:09She instilled a sense of decency in me
07:12That I've never forgotten
07:14To this day, I've never made love to a woman
07:16Who wasn't my betrothed
07:18You chump!
07:20Neither have I
07:22Migma
07:24Although I didn't know any better at the time
07:27She was very unusual down below
07:29Oh yeah?
07:31Cause her what's it, you know, her licorice
07:32You had no problem in finding it
07:35Not like with some girls
07:37And it was huge!
07:39It must have been about 6 inches long
07:41And her vagina
07:44Well, it was right round the other side
07:47And it was tiny
07:50I mean, I wasn't complaining
07:52Ah, sounds great!
07:54No, I'm never confused!
07:56And although we loved each other
07:59It was never to be
08:01That they wouldn't marry us
08:03They said it was against the law
08:05Cause I was a 12 year old boy
08:07And she was a 35 year old transvestite
08:09I mean, it made no difference to me
08:11What religion she was
08:13We were in love
08:15Repressed times
08:17It was that that made me realise
08:19The whole free love thing was a sham
08:20That and the fact that she charged me 50 bucks a go
08:25I came home older and wider
08:34Hmmm...
08:36Yeah, I'll tell you what Terry
08:37You're lucky never to have been married
08:39Marriage is a mugs game
08:41All women are whores, all of them, whores!
08:43Especially the ones that charge you for sex, eh?
08:46Yeah!
08:47More than any others, yeah.
08:50Gav, I know we're mates and therefore I don't talk about our feelings and that,
08:55but, um, this ain't bothering you.
08:58What? Well, no.
09:00I may not be the most hirsute of men,
09:03but I've noticed you haven't been feeling yourself tonight.
09:07Eh?
09:08Would you like me to feel yourself for you?
09:10No!
09:12I'll tell you, what you want to do is dislocate your arms for a bit
09:15and then feel yourself as kind of like someone else doing it for you.
09:19No, it's not that, Terry.
09:22It's just...
09:24Oh, my divorce came through today.
09:27Oh, well, thanks very much for bringing that up.
09:31Eh?
09:31You really know how we're a man's feelings, don't you?
09:34You what?
09:35I've never been married and here you are getting divorced.
09:39You lucky bastard.
09:40Go on, go on, take me while I'm down.
09:45Do you want to know why she divorced me, though, mate?
09:48Eh?
09:48Shall I tell you what the grounds were?
09:50I'll tell you.
09:50She said...
09:51She said that I...
09:53Me?
09:53She said that I had never achieved anything.
09:56ME!
09:57Never achieved anything.
09:59You?
09:59Never achieved anything?
10:02Well, that's ridiculous.
10:03You can...
10:05You can...
10:06Talk burp.
10:07Yes.
10:07Oh, I feel sick.
10:14No, that's an achievement.
10:16Yeah, but it's not as good as talk farting, no.
10:20Sausages.
10:25Sausages?
10:27But the real skill is that it smells of sausages as well.
10:30It's pork.
10:40And leek.
10:43Oh, it's not what it looks like, Tony.
10:46Don't worry about him.
10:47He's out for the camp.
10:48Oh, we can't leave him in the door like that.
10:51It's his birthday.
10:53Well, not by my watch, eh?
10:54Oh.
10:56No.
10:57Don't you see?
10:58Terry, this is our chance.
10:59Our chance to actually do something.
11:00To achieve something.
11:01To do something difficult.
11:02To show my wife.
11:04We're gonna get Tony upstairs in the bed.
11:07He's not my type, gov.
11:09If you're looking at those chins,
11:10you'd be lucky to find his mouth.
11:12No.
11:14Not like that.
11:15Jesus.
11:16Still.
11:17Two years.
11:18No.
11:20Well, get him upstairs in the bed to sleep the booze off.
11:23A man of that size.
11:24It's impossible.
11:25Couldn't be done.
11:26They said that Captain Scott couldn't get to the Antarctic and back.
11:29He couldn't.
11:31That's not the point.
11:33Come on.
11:33Let's lift him up.
11:34Come on.
11:34Come on.
11:34Come on.
11:36Oh.
11:38Get up, you bad lover.
11:41Left of it.
11:42Right of it.
11:43To me.
11:43To me.
11:44Get him up.
11:45Back him up.
11:46That's it.
11:46Let's get him on the stool.
11:47Just there.
11:50Gently, gently.
11:51Seaty, Tony.
11:54My stool.
11:58My beautiful stool.
12:00Now I know the baby bear felt.
12:02Bastard.
12:03Golly.
12:03What's going on up here?
12:06Some of us are trying to sleep down there.
12:08Crosby.
12:09That's coming out of your wages.
12:15I'm so glad you woke up, Crosby.
12:17It's going to be a lot easier with your help.
12:19I'm pleased to have the opportunity to help you.
12:21I can't wait to stick him on the pool table.
12:25He's a human being, not a cue ball.
12:27I don't know.
12:27He's perfectly spherical.
12:29Don't talk about him like that.
12:30What I have to do is to show my wife I can do something.
12:33That horse will find out about this.
12:35Don't worry.
12:35I'll tell her.
12:36Can't do anything.
12:36He's had it, you cow.
12:37Can't do anything, can't I?
12:39Can't do anything.
12:39Oh, Christy, he's gone.
12:42I can't do anything, arseholes.
12:44Get out.
12:45Can you get us and have a fight?
12:47I can't.
12:48I can't do anything.
12:49Crosby, do the honours.
13:02We've earned these.
13:09I miss my boy, that's all.
13:12I wonder what he's doing right now.
13:14I expect he's asleep.
13:16Yeah, I suppose he is.
13:18What with it being night.
13:22You know, it's funny, isn't it?
13:24Our life's wheel turns around.
13:26You know, you see signs of everywhere you go, don't you?
13:29Life's wheel.
13:30I mean, on the high street, you see those little cobblers in the windows of cobblers?
13:33That little fella, yeah, with the rosy cheeks,
13:35holding a shoe in his hand and a tiny hammer,
13:37going, ding, ding, ding, like that.
13:39Little fella in a brown coat, yeah, joyous, smile on his face,
13:42happy in his chosen profession,
13:44going, ding, ding, ding, like that.
13:46Ding, ding, ding, he does all day, like that.
13:48It's beautiful, isn't it?
13:50If you don't know, in chemists now,
13:52there's a similar little fella,
13:53very similar, except he's in a white coat,
13:55looks exactly the same as the other bloke,
13:56but in a white coat, filling bags of medicine,
13:59going, fill, fill, fill, like that.
14:01Fill, fill, fill.
14:02Not, ding, ding, ding, but, fill, fill, fill, fill.
14:05So it's white coat, fill, fill, fill,
14:07brown coat, ding, ding, ding, ding.
14:09What, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill.
14:12And you know what I reckon?
14:15I reckon that chemist, right, is second generation, yeah?
14:18He's the cobbler's son, right?
14:19He's the cobbler's son.
14:21What happened, he did well at school,
14:22he saw what had become of his father,
14:23what his dad had done with his life,
14:25he thought, I'm not doing that,
14:26he got ambitions, got his A-levels,
14:27went to university, red brick, nothing flash,
14:29first in the family to go,
14:31so his parents are delighted, right?
14:32And he sets himself up as a chemist, right?
14:35Then a few years later,
14:36he realises he's not that different
14:37from his old man at all, yeah?
14:39Fill, fill, fill, ding, ding, ding, yeah?
14:42We're all the same in the end,
14:44just our coats are different colours.
14:46All my job is, well, it's pool, pool, pool.
14:50And I can't even do that anymore.
14:52Damn these useless hairs!
14:53Don't worry, Gov,
14:56I'm sure your barman's hand thing's just temporary.
14:59I'm incomplete, boy,
15:00and I'm like an orange with no pips,
15:02I'm a sausage with no meat,
15:04I'm a monk with no erection.
15:08Yes.
15:10Come on, Gov,
15:11we can do this
15:12for your boy.
15:14Yeah!
15:15You're right!
15:20Right!
15:21Right, you fat boss, here we go.
15:23Right!
15:27One!
15:29Two!
15:30Three!
15:31Ramming speed!
15:35Oh, I've done it!
15:36Hang on!
15:39Oh, no, you hustle back!
15:43Oh, really?
15:44Let's have a rest, boys.
15:46You know, my mum
15:48always used to say to me,
15:50life,
15:51life is like trying to get
15:52a big fat man up some stairs
15:54to sleep off too much booze.
15:55Oh!
15:56I never really knew
15:57what she meant until now.
16:01Look!
16:02A shooting star!
16:05Make a wish!
16:09Hang on,
16:09did we all just wish
16:11Connie would fall in love with us?
16:12No!
16:15Not me,
16:15I don't fancy her.
16:16She's ugly.
16:17Oh, please, Terry.
16:19That is the woman
16:20I'm gonna marry.
16:21If only you could hear yourself,
16:22you poor deluded fool!
16:24I don't know.
16:27When you look up at
16:28outer space,
16:29you know,
16:31the glory of the galaxy,
16:32the majesty of the Milky Way,
16:33the order of the universe,
16:35well,
16:35it makes you feel tiny,
16:37doesn't it?
16:37Who told you about that?
16:39No!
16:40Out of space,
16:41how big it is,
16:42makes you feel
16:43insignificant,
16:44you know?
16:45No.
16:47It makes me feel
16:48significant.
16:50Well, I mean,
16:51what are the chances
16:52of us being here?
16:53I mean,
16:53not just the planet
16:54being able to sustain life
16:56or not having collided
16:57with an asteroid
16:58for millions of years,
16:59but,
17:00well,
17:00gov,
17:00think of it this way,
17:02what if
17:02your mum and dad
17:03didn't have sex
17:05the day you were conceived?
17:07They didn't.
17:08Aye?
17:08Nothing.
17:10I mean,
17:11what if they'd had an argument
17:12or what if your dad,
17:13you know,
17:14had a crafty...
17:15Pewting the priest!
17:16Yeah.
17:18In the afternoon
17:19and he'd spilled you
17:19on the ground
17:20or,
17:20you know,
17:21what if
17:22another
17:23of those millions
17:24of sperms
17:25that accompanied you
17:26on that incredible exodus,
17:28what if one of them
17:29had made it to the egg first?
17:30You mean it wouldn't be me
17:31if it was a different spur?
17:33Oh, no.
17:34I could be sad
17:35talking to a
17:35six-foot blonde
17:37with big bazoomers
17:38if you sperm
17:39hadn't been the Duncan Goodie
17:40of that generation.
17:42Oi,
17:43you bastards!
17:44Sorry!
17:45Ben,
17:46think
17:47of that chance
17:48a million times over.
17:50all our ancestors
17:52avoiding death,
17:53destruction,
17:54reaching sexual maturity,
17:56finding somebody
17:57willing to shag them.
17:58Hmm,
17:59that's the hardest part.
18:00Two years.
18:01and your ancestral sperm
18:04always won that race,
18:05that continuous chain of chance
18:07that stretches back
18:08right through evolution,
18:10right back to, like,
18:11the very first amoeba
18:12deciding he's fed up
18:13living with himself,
18:14he's going to get a place
18:15on his own.
18:16Two parents,
18:18four grandparents,
18:19eight great-grandparents,
18:20a massive inverted pyramid
18:22coming down
18:23on the tops of our heads,
18:24billions of ancestors
18:25shagging like crazy.
18:27We're the result.
18:29If that doesn't make you
18:29feel significant,
18:30I don't know what can.
18:31That's all very well,
18:43Crosby,
18:43but you are insignificant.
18:46You're the most
18:47insignificant person I know.
18:48I mean,
18:48you live in a cellar,
18:49for Christ's sake.
18:50You're the sort of bloke
18:51who'd stare into the abyss
18:52and the abyss
18:53wouldn't stare back at you,
18:54look over your shoulder
18:55at someone more interesting.
18:57Right,
18:57come on,
18:58one last push.
18:58This will all be over
18:59by Christmas.
18:59Come on, boys.
19:00No, no,
19:00we have to be careful.
19:02This reminds me
19:02of the myth of syphilis.
19:04That's no myth, right?
19:06No,
19:06you know,
19:07the ancient Greek story
19:08of this syphilis geezer
19:09that has to push
19:10a boulder up an hill.
19:11Every time he gets to the top,
19:13rolls right back down
19:14to the bottom again.
19:15Ah,
19:16typical Greeks
19:16who can't finish anything.
19:17No wonder Hercules
19:18is a legend in that country.
19:20A man with 12 jobs
19:21couldn't hold any of them down.
19:23That would never happen
19:24to an Englishman.
19:24No.
19:30Bullets!
19:31Bullets!
19:36That's it, fellas.
19:37It's not far now.
19:38We're really going to do
19:39something with our lives.
19:40Get up!
19:41Get up!
19:41Get up!
19:42Get up!
19:42Get up!
19:42Get to achieve something.
19:43Come on, Crosby.
19:44Get up!
19:45I can't hold him,
19:46he's breaking up.
19:47Come on,
19:48we've got this now.
19:49We can keep going.
19:50Come on.
19:50I can't go any further.
19:53Go on without me.
19:53Look,
19:54I'm slowing you down.
19:55No,
19:55we've got this far together.
19:56We've got to keep going.
19:57I'm so tired.
20:00Get up him!
20:01Get up him!
20:02Come on,
20:03fuck your ideas up.
20:04It's 6am,
20:04we've got to get this man
20:05into bed before dawn.
20:06Yeah,
20:07I love to wake up
20:08at the crack of dawn.
20:09Lovely girl,
20:10that dawn.
20:13Guys,
20:13won't tear it to you.
20:14Stop it!
20:15Now is not the time
20:16for rivalry and rudeness.
20:17Come on,
20:18just a few more feet.
20:19This is one small step
20:29for man.
20:30And one giant,
20:31fat bastard.
20:34Easy does it.
20:35Don't want to wake him.
20:37I think he'd have
20:37woken up by now
20:38if he was going to.
20:39I think I've dislocated
20:41my whole body.
20:42I can't believe it.
20:43We did something.
20:44We actually achieved something.
20:46All for one!
20:47And one for the road.
20:50Yeah, Steve,
20:50get us a pint,
20:51would you?
20:51I'd love to,
20:52Guff,
20:52but I can't move.
20:58He's a far,
20:59far better thing
21:00than we have done
21:01today
21:02than we have done before.
21:03We carried him
21:04through the streets,
21:05we carried him
21:06through the pub,
21:07we carried him
21:08up the stairs.
21:09We did not surrender.
21:10You know,
21:13I love you two.
21:15I do.
21:16I really love you.
21:17I love you like a son
21:18and like my slightly
21:20unusual uncle
21:21that mum won't leave me
21:22alone in a room with.
21:26You're the very best mates
21:27in the world
21:28a man could ever have.
21:29Yes, you are.
21:30And today,
21:31we have achieved something.
21:32Something unique.
21:34Something beautiful.
21:35Something that will
21:36bind us together
21:37for all eternity.
21:42No!
21:44Never confused.
21:57There you go,
21:59darling,
21:59I achieved that.
22:00I really achieved that.
22:07Nothing weird.
22:08Nothing weird.
22:09versus the
22:29See you.
22:32I can't believe that.