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00:00Oh, you're in the money.
00:20Oh, you're in the money.
00:22Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:23Oh, what a beautiful day.
00:25Gov, do you mind?
00:26I'm trying to read.
00:27Ooh, Lord of the Rings.
00:28Yes, and I'm nearly halfway through.
00:30I've only got another 9,000 pages to go.
00:33And I just love little Frodo Baggins.
00:35He's just so cute.
00:36Hiya.
00:37He dies at the end.
00:40Liver failure.
00:43Ta-da!
00:45Did someone say Lord of the Rings?
00:50He didn't tell.
00:52Got any lunch left?
00:54Hold on a minute, Terry.
00:55Aren't you barred?
00:56No way, Rosé.
00:58Yes, he is.
01:00He injected Gary with the venom of a radioactive spider to try and get him a job as Spider-Man's
01:05canine sidekick in the upcoming Hollywood blockbuster.
01:11It's all right.
01:12I tested the elixir on myself first.
01:15Any side effects?
01:16Not really.
01:22Blinding!
01:22Anyway, got any lunch left?
01:25I could murder a plate of flies.
01:27Yeah, I shouldn't be doing much trouble.
01:29Have you seen The Governor's Kitchen?
01:30Oh, bloody student!
01:32So lovely.
01:34I agree with you, Connie.
01:35The Governor's Kitchen is a disgrace.
01:38In fact, I agree with everything you say.
01:41Will you go out with me now, please?
01:42Yeah.
01:43Yeah.
01:43When hell freezes over.
01:45Could happen in these days of erratic climate changes.
01:49It's her way of saying she'll think about it.
01:51The ecosystem's gone mad!
01:53Only the other day, I saw some frog spawn.
01:56Indoors!
01:57This frog spawn.
01:58Where was it?
01:59In a cubicle in the gents all over an old knitwear catalogue.
02:03Oh, yeah.
02:07Walk in the kitchen and see what tasty treats you can rustle up for our arachnid friend here.
02:11Hang on, Guff Terry should be barred for what he's done to Gary.
02:14How come you're not even angry with him?
02:16Yeah, I couldn't possibly be upset today, Stephen.
02:18Oh, it's like May the 8th, 1945, all over again.
02:21We're in the money.
02:23Because today, I've got a booking for the function room.
02:31Yeah, yeah.
02:32Some Bible bashing nutcase just stumps up the £50 fee.
02:35But you hate Bible bashes.
02:37Who cares? It's 50 quid cash.
02:41I'm on my way to that carvery.
02:43Only £19,478.53 to go.
02:47Yeah.
02:48Religious trats.
02:50Greetings, friend.
02:51Ah, Greg Thompson, my unexpected pleasure.
02:54How are you today?
02:55Well, I'll trust.
02:56Yeah, look at you, you old dog, eh?
02:58Up to your old tricks.
02:59Two nuns.
03:02Don't tell me later on you're going to get them to gobble your communion wafer.
03:07No.
03:08No, no, no.
03:08Later on you're going to sprinkle them in your holy water.
03:12No.
03:12No, I know.
03:13I know later on you're going to get their habits off
03:14and show you a big fat bishop around their cloisters.
03:17I'm implying you've got a massive cock.
03:21I find that quite offensive, friend.
03:25These are women of God.
03:27Servants of our Lord.
03:28Maybe the old Greg Thompson would have laughed at your puerile attempts at humour.
03:31But the old Greg Thompson is gone.
03:33Gone?
03:34Somewhere nice, I hope.
03:35Cheshire's enchanting this time of year.
03:37Can you not see, friend, that I am saved?
03:43Hallelujah!
03:44This is Sister Eliza and this is Sister Annie of the Meagre Urban Mission.
03:48They're helping me to redeem my immortal soul.
03:50What, by doing some sexual thing based around a religious pun, eh, Greg?
03:54No.
03:56By praying with me.
03:57And by doing an abundance of good works in our community.
04:00Eh?
04:01Oh, brother Greg.
04:03Oh, hey, my, my, yeah!
04:05Vanity.
04:06Forgive me, friends.
04:07Greg Thompson, have you done all this to try and impress me?
04:11No.
04:12No, I haven't.
04:13I have renounced the joys of flesh due to the enormous burden of my past transgressions.
04:18I'm implying I've got a massive cross to bear.
04:22Caboose.
04:23Greg, I don't really understand what you just said, but I'm sure it's profoundly offensive on many different levels.
04:29Look at my mouth!
04:31Can I bar me, friend?
04:32Check the name on your booking form.
04:33I am a newly ordained lay preacher for the Amiga Urban Mission.
04:38I've got a nine o'clock meeting here in your pub.
04:40Divine justice.
04:42Sisters, go and get the gear.
04:43Last, forgive me, friends.
04:50Oh, brother Greg.
04:52Arsholes!
04:53Oh, Peter, I've followed through.
05:14Greg, are you all right, mate?
05:15I mean, you know, you haven't had a pop at me about me barman's hand or said I'm mental or gone on about the time at Landlord Academy with that goldfish.
05:23I mean, are you feeling all right?
05:24I couldn't be better, friend.
05:26I took a long, cold, hard look at my life.
05:28I took a long, cold, hard look at who I'd become.
05:30I didn't like him.
05:31He was a loser.
05:33In fact, I hated him.
05:35Now, what I wanted to do, I wanted to get his face and I wanted to punch it.
05:38I wanted to get his head.
05:39I wanted to smash it against the wall until he was dead.
05:41Now, I wanted to get his little crumpled body.
05:43I wanted to put it in a sack of cement.
05:44I wanted to fly it in the river when no one would ever find it.
05:47Yeah, all right.
05:47Calm down, Greg.
05:48It's all right, Greg.
05:49I realised that violence was the old Greg Thompson's answer.
05:52But now I realise that the path to true happiness is through friendship.
05:56Through Jesus.
05:57Jesus is love.
06:01Then these ladies from the Amiga Urban Mission.
06:05They came into the Queen of Arts, offering me forgiveness and eternal life.
06:09In exchange for just 15% of my income.
06:12Eternal life is overrated.
06:14I can tell you.
06:17Bloody Miss Jackson care about all this.
06:19I don't care, friend.
06:20The Queen of Arts is no longer a pub.
06:21No longer a pub?
06:23No.
06:24It's now called the King of Love, my shepherd is.
06:26It's a coffee house.
06:28Bookshop.
06:29Drop-in centre for those who thirst after righteousness.
06:32Not those who thirst after beer.
06:33Not beer?
06:34But Greg, it's all right.
06:36Still doing Tex-Mex.
06:38Oh, for pity's sake, Gov.
06:39All of this nonsense is a result of religion.
06:42If you continue to entertain these credulous fools,
06:45I might be forced to think about taking my drinking money elsewhere.
06:48Well, go on then.
06:51Oh, I said I thought I might be forced to think about taking my drinking money elsewhere.
06:55I did not say that I actually would.
06:57Oh, please do not make me go.
06:59Oh, um, I'll do anything.
07:01Anything.
07:02Please.
07:03This pub is all I have.
07:05Please.
07:07Greg, I understand what's happened to you.
07:09You do?
07:09Yeah.
07:10My rejection of your sexual advances meant you've had to find someone else to worship.
07:14Jesus.
07:15Well, no one would want to make sexual advances towards Jesus.
07:19I don't know.
07:20I'm the camel, not the eye of the needle.
07:24Blasphemer!
07:25In my day, you'd have been whipped with an inch of your life for saying such things.
07:30Really?
07:33Listen, Greg, I did things to say at student parties to appear interesting last time,
07:38and I know that all religion is just nonsense.
07:41I mean, even a child can see that.
07:42You don't seriously think that God made the earth in seven days, do you?
07:46Yes, Fred.
07:46Oh, bloody cowboy.
07:48It's a rust job.
07:49No wonder the thing's fallen into bits.
07:52Well, to be honest with you, Connie, I do have my problems with the theory of evolution.
07:55I mean, no way is Terry the pinnacle of a three billion year process.
08:05A moth's a moth.
08:09Right.
08:10It's time for me to have a little chat with your regulars.
08:12See if I can help them find the same kind of fulfilment as what I have.
08:16Gather round.
08:16And prepare to be saved by me, Greg Thompson.
08:21Pride.
08:23Forgive me, friends.
08:24Come on, fellas.
08:25Let's sort our eternal souls.
08:27Then we can get back to getting pissed off our mortal faces.
08:30Oh.
08:30I don't care wholeheartedly with that suggestion.
08:33Mr. Eliza and Mr. Eliza and Mr. Anna are going to be helping me with my sermon.
08:37What are they doing up them big chairs?
08:39Who cares?
08:40I think I've just got a glimpse of heaven.
08:42Are you lot Catholics, then?
08:47Your meager urban mission is non-denominational, friend.
08:50That's religious for desperate.
08:51May you burn in hell with spikes pressed into your eyes and otters nibbling away at sheer secret places for always.
09:03That's a very good sense of humour you've got there.
09:05Oh!
09:06Get off, demon!
09:07Now, this is a very serious business.
09:10Consider for a moment, if you will, this cage.
09:13This cage here.
09:17I've considered it.
09:18Can we go back to drinking now, please?
09:20No, friend.
09:22What does this cage make you think about?
09:24Sex!
09:27Sex?
09:28Why?
09:29I don't know.
09:29It just does.
09:31Can we go back to drinking now, please?
09:32Yes, friend.
09:33But think.
09:34What does this cage remind you of?
09:36Another cage!
09:37He's right!
09:38Can we go back to drinking now, please?
09:39Yes, friend!
09:41But what does this cage represent for you?
09:43Gav, being asked what things represent, I don't like it.
09:47Makes me feel funny.
09:48Tell the man to stop.
09:50Come on, Thompson.
09:52You're upsetting my regulars asking them to think about stuff.
09:55What's your exact point here, mate?
09:57Well...
09:58Look, OK, this is just so boring and dull and obvious.
10:02He wants one of you to say that this cage represents your lives
10:05and that Jesus is the only key that can unlock it.
10:08Am I right?
10:09No.
10:09No.
10:10Listen to the question, the words in it.
10:13Does this cage represent their lives
10:15and is Jesus the only key that can unlock it?
10:19Yeah, you're right.
10:20Here's what I wanted you to say.
10:22But, Connie, you don't believe.
10:23How can you know?
10:23I went to the Young Christians group at my girls' school.
10:26Ah.
10:26Yeah, it was the only place we could get to meet boys
10:28and plus it was a good place for a girl to practice speaking in tongues,
10:31if you see what I mean.
10:33No, I don't.
10:35Oh.
10:36Oh, yes, I do.
10:39Oh, my aching bollocks.
10:43Yes, Connie's right.
10:44According to the Amiga pamphlet,
10:46this cage represents your lives here in this pub.
10:49Now, it may seem to you that this pub could give you everything you could ever want.
10:52Maybe, if we had Tex-Mex like that.
10:55Trust me!
10:57Sisters, beer and crisps.
11:01But beer and crisps are just earthly pleasures.
11:03That's irrelevant.
11:04Well, it depends.
11:05What flavour are the crisps?
11:07The allegorical.
11:09Oh, I don't like those.
11:11Hold on a minute, Thompson.
11:12Are you saying you want my regulars to turn their back on alcohol?
11:15And crisps!
11:16Yeah, yeah, and crisps!
11:18And turn and embrace Jesus!
11:19Look, OK, the only thing he's interested in embracing is me.
11:22You're desperate, aren't you?
11:23You're right, Connie.
11:24I do want to embrace you.
11:26Uh-huh.
11:27And all of you, in the love...
11:30and the warmth of Christ.
11:33Oh, embrace me.
11:34In the love of Christ.
11:36Now!
11:37No, no, me, me!
11:38Oi!
11:38Get off me, you puff!
11:41Oi!
11:42Oh, my God!
11:44I'm so sorry, Greg.
11:45I really am.
11:47It's all right, friend.
11:49I've learnt to turn the other cheek.
11:51Oh, all right, then.
11:52Have some of that!
11:56Give me my...
11:57No!
12:00Why don't you make me do that?
12:02Forgive me, friends.
12:05But can you not see
12:06that you're all slaves to the booze?
12:09Alcoholics?
12:10Oi!
12:10We do not call them that.
12:12We call them fanatical followers of the Al-Qaeda network.
12:15But, if you spend one night in the cage,
12:22you can be clean
12:22and live an eternal life,
12:24just like what I am.
12:25Terry, don't listen to him.
12:26He's trying to brainwash you
12:27by getting you to sober up.
12:30Go on, then!
12:31Lock me in your cage!
12:32Get your nuns to say their prayers
12:34over my drunken head,
12:36but in the morning,
12:37I'll be the same Terry Brooks
12:38as I always was.
12:39Very well, friend.
12:41Step inside.
12:56It's no good, Guff.
12:58I'm never going to reach those crisps.
13:00Those nuns are too nimble for me.
13:02I can't stay in here any longer!
13:05I need booze!
13:06Must have booze!
13:08How long have I been in this hellhole?
13:12About three and a half minutes, mate.
13:15Listen, you've been trapped in a cage.
13:17What point were you trying to make?
13:19I don't know.
13:20But when Terry Brooks says he'll do something,
13:22Terry Brooks does it.
13:23Remember when I pretended to be five years old
13:25and re-enrolled in infant school again?
13:27Yeah, you were there a year before they rumbled you.
13:29Yeah, well, people say school days
13:32are the best day of your life.
13:33I just wanted to see if they were right.
13:35And were they?
13:36Not really.
13:37You don't get free milk anymore.
13:39The shorts chaffed me
13:40and the work was much harder than I remembered it.
13:44But Terry, being locked in a cage...
13:47To be honest, Guff,
13:47I thought from here I'd be able to look up
13:49those nuns wassucks again like I did earlier.
13:52But look, they've tucked all the material under them now.
13:54Yeah, it's almost like
13:56they let you have a free peek
13:57just to lure you in
13:59and then you're a prisoner.
14:01Thanks for keeping me company
14:03in my Virgil, Guff.
14:05With my mates here,
14:06I know I ain't gonna turn,
14:07do dally and go all religious.
14:09Well, they've been nodded off anyway.
14:11They've all lost interest.
14:12Even Thompson's not bothered
14:13about torturing any more.
14:14Look at him asleep on a pool table
14:15like some Rip Van Winkle.
14:17Hey!
14:17Who told you about it?
14:20Sleeping slough!
14:21No!
14:22Forgive me, French.
14:23Ham-buggers!
14:29So, Kerry, how's the fast going?
14:33Must you torment me?
14:36Look, why are you doing this anyway?
14:38I mean, religion is just so stupid.
14:40What, a big man in the sky?
14:42He'd fall out.
14:43She's got a point.
14:44Look, and there's no actual scientific proof
14:46of God's supposed existence.
14:47Ah, no, it's scientific proof.
14:49I'm sorry, Connie,
14:49I don't believe in science.
14:51It's all only a theory science anyway.
14:53And as such,
14:54it's reliant on proof.
14:55Yeah, whereas
14:56you only have to believe in God,
14:57don't you?
14:58Requires a whole lot less effort
14:59and lab equipment.
15:01Anyway,
15:02then nuns said
15:02they'd welcome Terry
15:03into the fold of the morning.
15:05There are a few folds round here
15:06I wouldn't mind being welcomed into.
15:09Those are the nuns
15:10I'm gonna marry!
15:12Seems unlikely, Terry.
15:14Nuns are the brides of Christ.
15:16What he don't know
15:17won't hurt him.
15:18While the Christ's away,
15:20slowly, slowly
15:21you'll catch your nunny.
15:24Satanist!
15:25Although this man's suffering
15:27excites me,
15:28I recognise it as wrong.
15:29Which only excites me more!
15:33Hey, go!
15:34While Thompson's asleep,
15:35you can pull Terry a pint
15:36and pass it to him
15:37through the bars.
15:38No, Steve.
15:39I can't pull anyone a pint.
15:40Not with his damn useless hands!
15:44Now,
15:45we've got to prove
15:46to Thompson
15:46and his religious fanatists
15:47that we're not slaves
15:48to the booze.
15:49What do you mean, we?
15:50I don't see you
15:51locked up in a cage
15:52with no booze.
15:53I see you sitting there
15:54boozing,
15:55looking at me
15:56locked up in a cage
15:57with no booze!
15:58Every movement
15:59needs his smartness, Terry.
16:00Even the booze.
16:03Greater luck
16:04hath no man
16:05than he
16:06who will be locked
16:07in a cage
16:07for his friends, Terry.
16:09And
16:10I can nick your stool.
16:12Oh, yes, please!
16:17Oi, come on, Thompson,
16:18wake up.
16:19You can't keep a man
16:20locked up in a cage
16:21all night,
16:21especially when it's
16:22just part of a pathetic
16:23plan to get my attention.
16:25I don't want your attention,
16:27Connie.
16:27In fact, to be honest,
16:28I wish it was me
16:29locked up in that cage.
16:31Envy!
16:33Forgive me, friends.
16:35Craig, don't be ridiculous.
16:36Of course you want
16:37my attention.
16:38I mean, look at me
16:38in my magnificent breasts.
16:41Get any behind me, Satan.
16:43Ow!
16:43You wanted it!
16:45My only communion
16:46is with Christ.
16:47But, Greg,
16:48the Christian religion
16:49just doesn't make any sense.
16:50I mean, what about
16:51a virgin birth?
16:52Surely that is
16:53just ridiculous.
16:55What are you talking about?
16:56She's got a point, Greg.
16:57I mean, no normal man
16:58likes the idea
16:59of his mother
16:59engaged in sexual intercourse.
17:01Well, I don't know.
17:02Like I said,
17:03no normal man
17:05likes the idea
17:05of his mother
17:06engaged in sexual intercourse,
17:07but to base a whole world religion
17:08on the notion
17:09that she never did
17:10is taking the whole thing
17:10a bit too far, I'm afraid.
17:12Um, how do you explain
17:13Jesus' supposed
17:15walking on water?
17:16Floats on his shoes.
17:18Rising from the dead.
17:19Floats in his shoes.
17:21The curing of leathers.
17:24Floats in his shoes.
17:26Oh, I don't know.
17:27I don't know the answer
17:28to any of your questions.
17:29God,
17:30do not test me with doubt.
17:32Is it not enough
17:32that I have faith?
17:33Greg,
17:34the Christian religion
17:35was reworked by Saint Paul
17:37for his own anti-feminist ends.
17:38All of the gospel accounts
17:39differ and are mutually contradictory
17:41and the story of Jesus
17:42is just an appropriation
17:44of pre-existing pagan myths.
17:45Well, look,
17:46you can prove anything
17:46with facts, can't you?
17:48A myth's a myth.
17:51Bonnie,
17:52Jesus died for a reason.
17:53Yes!
17:54Yes,
17:55the reason being
17:55that they nailed him
17:56to a cross
17:57and left him up on it all day.
17:59That'd kill anybody.
18:01He was only human.
18:02For God's sake, Greg,
18:04you were just
18:05so infuriating
18:07and
18:07God,
18:08it thrills me.
18:14No!
18:15You jigger belt!
18:16You sea devil!
18:17You're higher at Babylon!
18:19Get him behind me
18:19before the old
18:20Greg Thompson
18:21with his
18:21goat-like lust
18:23to return.
18:25Sanctuary!
18:26Sanctuary!
18:27We don't have a sanction,
18:28Greg,
18:28but you're welcome
18:28to use the kitchen.
18:29Thanks, Greg.
18:32Oh, my God!
18:33Never!
18:34Ever confused!
18:36He's gone off his nut!
18:37He's completely mental!
18:38Which I'm not.
18:39Connie,
18:40what have you done?
18:42I've driven a mad
18:43with passion.
18:44Oh, and if I'd known
18:45the way to impress you
18:46was to disagree
18:46with everything you said,
18:47then I could have
18:48adopted a different approach,
18:49couldn't I?
18:50You couldn't disagree
18:51with me if you tried.
18:52You are so right
18:53about that.
18:55Oi!
18:55Thompson, you had
18:57nap, Joe!
18:57Can I have a drink
18:58now or what?
18:59No, friends!
19:00You will be clean!
19:03He's from my body!
19:04Baked for me!
19:07No!
19:08Exactly!
19:09No-one leaves this pub!
19:11It's the law of blocking!
19:12No-one leaves
19:13until you've all seen
19:13an error of your sinful lives
19:14and bow down
19:15and worship me,
19:16Greg Thompson.
19:17Now, now, Greg,
19:18let's not do anything
19:18I used to hear.
19:19You will not listen
19:20to reason.
19:21You will not learn
19:21from your ordeals.
19:23Now, you will learn
19:23from my gigantic
19:24weapon of wracking
19:25righteous anger
19:26and rights.
19:27I'm implying
19:28I've got a massive cock.
19:31Oh, my God,
19:32if I have to see her
19:33in another minute
19:34and listen to this shit,
19:35I'm going to do, partner!
19:36Sir, sir, sir, sir,
19:37sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir!
19:38Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir!
19:39Yeah, you know,
19:40I walk through the valley
19:41of my shadow
19:41of my massive cock.
19:43Yes, I will!
19:44Fuck!
19:44Fuck!
19:44Fuck!
19:45Fuck!
19:45Fuck!
19:46Fuck!
19:46Fuck!
19:47Fuck!
19:47Fuck!
19:47Fuck!
19:48Fuck!
19:49Fuck!
19:50Fuck!
19:51Fuck!
19:52Fuck!
19:53Fuck!
19:54Fuck!
19:55Fuck!
19:56Hello!
19:57Hello!
19:58Hello!
19:59Bloody Miss Jackson Cow!
20:02Barry, Mike, Dave!
20:03We came as soon as we heard!
20:04I didn't even hear a thing
20:06and I still came!
20:09Craig's gone on fundamental!
20:11Cool it, Dario!
20:13Luckily, the brewery's prepared
20:15for such eventualities
20:16and Mike and Dave here
20:17have been fully trained
20:18in military assault situations.
20:20Look at our smart uniforms!
20:22I look like an action man!
20:24Quiet, Michael!
20:24you're embarrassing us!
20:25Have to get him, boys!
20:26Attack pattern alpha!
20:27Attack pattern alpha!
20:28AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
20:30AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
20:41Maybe I can be of some ar-sistance.
20:44nice one tell why have you lad this to happen God I'm sorry Greg we couldn't have you diverting
21:0115% of the profits to some religious cult a public house must welcome all comments whatever
21:06their beliefs booze is for everyone regardless of creed or color it's every man's birthright
21:14you jumped up fucker take him away boys Greg will be taken to a deprogramming center we expect him
21:30to be right as rain within a week Cody I love you any change of feelings towards me no
21:44the things we do for love the things we do for love like walking in the rain and there's no place to go
21:56and you feel like a part of you is dying and you're looking for an answer in their eyes do you remember
22:02that song no justice evil triumphs again in your face God such a sore loser
22:32you