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00:00Hey, good looking, what have you got cooking?
00:25Why, bangers of mashing as you're asking, handsome.
00:28That's your nibble of my sausage, yeah.
00:32Get out of it! I'm not your type. I was never confused.
00:36Come on, you want it, you tease.
00:40I'm so alone!
00:43Snap out of it! Snap out of it!
00:47Now for the mash.
00:53Oh, look at that.
01:00Bangers and mash.
01:01Great British grub in a great British pub.
01:04That's a proper national dish, isn't it?
01:06Yeah, not like boiled cabbage like the Germans.
01:09By amphibians legs like the French.
01:13Disgusting savages.
01:15Not dogs like the Koreans.
01:17I mean, come on, fellas. Curiosity's got to know some boundaries, surely.
01:21No, bangers and mash.
01:23The minced up offal and genitalia of a pig.
01:27Stuffed into an intestine sheath.
01:30And mash.
01:32That's proper food.
01:34Normal bloody food.
01:36Food fit for a queen.
01:38God bless you, your majesty and your jubilee year.
01:41Fifty years is a very long time.
01:45Oh, damn these useless hands!
01:48Look at me!
01:49Don't look at me.
01:51Oh, well, waste not want not, eh?
01:58I know who want the really inedible bits.
02:14Hello, my little furry friends.
02:19Have I got a little treat for you?
02:21There you are.
02:23That's right.
02:24Save some for the little one.
02:26Well done.
02:29Look at you.
02:30Oh, I wish I was a mouse.
02:32I do.
02:33Simple being a mouse, isn't it?
02:35I mean, it's not complicated.
02:36I mean, you like cheese, don't you?
02:38Of course you do, yeah?
02:39What are we having for lunch?
02:40Cheese! Fantastic!
02:41What are we having for dinner?
02:42Cheese!
02:43Cheese!
02:44Oh, great.
02:45I can't wait.
02:46I love cheese, mate.
02:47What are we having for breakfast?
02:48Cheese!
02:49Who cares?
02:50I love cheese.
02:51I don't care if I have it every day, all of me life, breakfast, lunch and tea.
02:53Get me cheese!
02:55And to top it off, elephants are frightened of you.
02:59Fantastic.
03:00What could be finer than being a mouse?
03:02Not a care in the world.
03:04Apart from cats, of course.
03:05Oh, I'm sorry.
03:06I didn't mean to bring that up.
03:07Don't be upset.
03:10Oh, has it made you sick?
03:12Oh, dear.
03:13Oh, well.
03:14What?
03:15Terry doesn't know, won't her?
03:16Am I supposed to?
03:17What the hell are you doing?
03:18Ha!
03:19How long have you been there, you bloody student?
03:21Long enough.
03:22Just one touch.
03:23Gov, I did health and safety last term and lesson one was don't serve customers fried,
03:30dried mashed potatoes that have been nibbled on and regurgitated by mice.
03:34Back off, Brussels!
03:35Why should I do that if I work?
03:37Gov, it's cruel to keep mice cooped up like this.
03:40There they are dignified and noble creatures that should be running free in the open fields.
03:46Emancipate mice.
03:47Let them be free.
03:48What?
03:49Free to eat rat poison and be torn apart by cats?
03:51I'm sorry.
03:52I didn't mean to bring that up.
03:53I'm sorry.
03:54Cover your little mouse ears.
03:55That's it.
03:56Gov, they are not happy.
03:57Look at their sad, vomit-covered faces.
03:59Why, you're so cute.
04:00I hope you love them.
04:01Let them be free.
04:02No.
04:03They're my only friends.
04:04My only friends in the whole world.
04:06They don't leave me, not like all the others.
04:09Not as long as I keep them trapped in this box, anyway.
04:12Well, I'd better get back to work.
04:13Terry will be wanting his lunch.
04:14Where's my fucking lunch, you bastard?
04:16See?
04:17Um, I'll be in in a minute.
04:18I'm just going to do the washing up.
04:19Eh?
04:20I'm calling your bloody student rudder.
04:21It's my turn.
04:22I'll be in in a minute.
04:23I'm just going to do the washing up.
04:24Eh?
04:25I'm calling your bloody student rudder.
04:26Eh?
04:27I'm calling your bloody student rudder.
04:28It's my turn.
04:29Look.
04:30Yeah.
04:31Go on, gov.
04:32But at the end of the day, I'm a woman and you can't fight biology.
04:36Oh, good girl.
04:37It's instinct, innit?
04:39Come on, join in.
04:43What are you doing?
04:46Never mind.
04:49You can't go back, can you?
04:52Now get on with the washing up.
04:54Come on.
04:55Don't worry, you cute little nieces.
04:56I'll save you.
04:57Freedom!
04:58Freedom!
04:59Freedom!
05:00This bangers and gas is lush, gov.
05:13Hey, look.
05:14It's even got little raisins in it.
05:16That's right.
05:17They're raisins.
05:18That's what they are.
05:19Little raisins, yes.
05:20Like them.
05:21Yeah, they very well might be.
05:22What's enough all done, love?
05:23Very stupid.
05:24Have you seen the rotor?
05:25It's your turn for fathead.
05:26Get the...
05:27But you said you'd...
05:28It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, gov.
05:29Shut up.
05:30Um, gov, I was wondering if I could have this afternoon off.
05:31It's just it's rag week.
05:32Oh, is it?
05:33Oh, I'm sorry, love.
05:34My wife is the same.
05:35Couldn't do a thing.
05:36Would you like to sit down?
05:37Chocolate?
05:38No, gov, rag week.
05:39Student rag week.
05:40I said I'd tell with the fundraising.
05:41Oh, right.
05:42Um, no, I'm sorry.
05:43I can't speak here.
05:44Gov, I promised the committee that I would help out.
05:45It is important to help those ladies.
05:46I know.
05:47I know.
05:48I know.
05:49I know.
05:50I know.
05:51I know.
05:52I know.
05:53I know.
05:54I know.
05:55I know.
05:56I know.
05:57I know.
05:58I know.
05:59I know.
06:00I know.
06:01I know.
06:02I know.
06:03I know.
06:04I know.
06:05But I promised the committee that I would help out.
06:07It is important to help those less fortunate.
06:09And there's a party at the end for the people who raise the most amount of money.
06:12And it's going to be Jake's dad's country mansion.
06:14And they're going to land some coke.
06:15Soft drinks at a party.
06:16You time wasters.
06:18I have to go.
06:20It is my whole future.
06:22All right.
06:23All right.
06:24You can go then.
06:25Go on.
06:26Christ, what's wrong with her?
06:29It's rag week, isn't it, gov?
06:32She's failing her monthly M.O.T. because of a leaky carburettor.
06:39Same again, gov.
06:40Extra raisins.
06:51Oh.
06:52I can't understand it.
06:54She said she'd do the washing up and then she doesn't.
06:56She says she can work and then she can't.
06:58I know nowadays when a woman says no, she means no.
07:01But it seems when she says yes, she means no as well.
07:04So what's she going to say when she actually means yes?
07:08Not even the Enigma machine could crack that code.
07:12I better get those raisins.
07:16Oh, my God!
07:17No!
07:18My mice!
07:19They've gone!
07:20Oh!
07:21Just like all the others, they've left me!
07:23No!
07:24Why did they leave me?
07:25Why?
07:26Why?
07:35Jesus Christ!
07:36Where?
07:37Oh!
07:38What's wrong with this?
07:50Oh, Terry emptied it all over Gary last night.
07:52He wasn't even on fire.
07:53It was a preventative measure.
07:54Do you know how many dogs spontaneously compost every year in this country?
08:05Is it none?
08:06No.
08:07There's many more than that.
08:08No, Terry, listen to the question.
08:10Think about what each word means.
08:11Is it none?
08:12Er...
08:13Yes.
08:14Yes.
08:15On average.
08:16What is wrong with you humans?
08:19Is it really necessary to prattle on like a lot of honking geese in the face of a real emergency?
08:26May I remind you that the cooking kitchen is on fire!
08:32None of this gas is going to put it out!
08:35Maybe not, but I know a gas that will.
08:42Ah!
08:43Ah!
08:44Ah!
08:45Ah!
08:46Ah!
08:47Ah!
08:48Ah!
08:49A flame retardant fart!
08:50But that's impossible!
08:51Look at the gov.
08:52He's subconscious.
08:53Right, let's get him out of here.
08:55Come on, Terry, lift!
08:56Sorry for the delay, Terry.
08:58Grub's up any minute.
08:59Ah!
09:00Ah!
09:01Ah!
09:02Ah!
09:03Ah!
09:04Ah!
09:05Ah!
09:06Ah!
09:07Ah!
09:08Oh, my hand!
09:09No!
09:10Must save my hands! Must save my hands!
09:14Damn my non-existent hands!
09:21Oh, is it getting high now?
09:29My mice! I knew you'd come back to me!
09:33I knew you wouldn't leave me!
09:40Oh, no! I'm sorry about the cat thing!
09:42Look, I wasn't really thinking! I'm sorry!
09:45Oh! No! No!
09:47Don't go! Don't go!
09:51Why do they all leave me?
09:53Why?
09:55No!
09:57Jesus H Christ!
09:59Where?
10:00Yeah!
10:02Did you see them? The giant mice!
10:03They were kicking me! They were!
10:05Blimey, he's really got off his grotty this time!
10:07The man in white coats will be coming to get him!
10:09No! Not the butchers!
10:13Surely things haven't gone that bad!
10:18What kind of an idiot leaves a box full of mice on a busy pavement?
10:22And now I've got mouse juice all over my most sensible shoes!
10:26Oh, just it really is!
10:29Hello!
10:30Hello!
10:32I came as soon as I heard!
10:34So did I!
10:34I'm very worried about you, Governor!
10:40Oh, Miss Bloody Jackson!
10:42Cow!
10:42What idiot told you about this?
10:44My main man, Connie, clued me upside my head on what's been going down!
10:48Didn't you, homie?
10:49I'm sorry!
10:50I don't understand a word you were saying!
10:52Get off me!
10:53You told her!
10:54You bloody student!
10:56Like an angel falling from heaven!
10:58Oh, my God!
10:59Oh, my God!
11:00It's all right!
11:01There's nothing wrong with you!
11:01I just fell over!
11:02That's all!
11:03Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler, if you think we're on the run?
11:13We are the boys who will stop your little game.
11:16We are the boys who will make you think again.
11:20So who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler, if you think old England's done?
11:26Do you remember that show?
11:37No.
11:38Come on, you must do.
11:40It's on all the time.
11:41No.
11:43Don't tell him, Pike!
11:47We said no.
11:49We don't remember it.
11:51Anywho, it's time for the lying to stop, Governor.
11:57I know all about your little affliction.
11:58Who told you about that?
12:01I mean your hands.
12:03Connor's filled me in on everything.
12:05I'll fill you in on everything, Vicky.
12:08You told her!
12:08How could you, Connor, you Judas?
12:10So innocent.
12:12You've been very clever to hide it from me for all these weeks, Governor,
12:16but you needn't to worry.
12:17There are things that can be done.
12:19Things that can be done!
12:22For this!
12:23Look!
12:24Look at me!
12:25Look at me!
12:27So you can't even look, can you?
12:29You don't have to be ashamed.
12:31I really want to help.
12:33What can you do to help me?
12:35I'm deformed!
12:37Look!
12:37Get the things away from me, you freak!
12:41OK, OK, it doesn't need to be like this.
12:44I did American Psychobabble last term,
12:46and conditions like this are often psychosomatic.
12:48Ah!
12:49Do you hear that?
12:50The guilt of the cycle!
12:53Tell it's something we don't know!
12:55Psycho!
12:56Psycho!
12:57Don't have a shower round here, South!
12:58No, come and have a shower at mine.
13:03Connor's right.
13:04This whole thing could probably be sorted out by a therapist.
13:07Oh, no, you don't.
13:09No landlord worth his salt and vinegar would see us shrink.
13:12No, no, it'd be a sign of weakness.
13:14I'd be a laughingstock amongst the whole profession.
13:16Oh, we won't tell anyone, will we?
13:21No!
13:21Oh, I might.
13:24We can keep the whole thing under wraps.
13:26Now, as luck would have it, my twin sister is a therapist.
13:31Twins!
13:31I think I've milmed in me kex again.
13:37Here's her card.
13:39No, I'm not going to know shrink.
13:41Not now, not never.
13:42It's not normal.
13:43Oh, damn, he's useless.
13:50Crosby, tear that up for me, would you, son?
13:52OK, Chief.
13:53I really hope you reconsider, Gov.
13:55I can only turn a blind eye to your condition for so long.
13:59I can't imagine what my father would do if he found out.
14:01Oh, I can.
14:02He'd have the pub blown up with high explosives,
14:03the bricks pulverised into brick dust in a brick crushing machine,
14:06placed in a rocket and fired into the heart of the sun.
14:09Yes, he might, or he might do something much worse.
14:13No, he wouldn't.
14:14He's such a one-trick pony, that bloke.
14:17Don't be rude about Daddy!
14:20Anywho.
14:22I've got to boogie.
14:24Think about it, Gov.
14:27Gov, what's to become of me?
14:31Don't worry, Gov.
14:32I will fight with my last breath to stop you being taken away by the butchers.
14:40Hey!
14:43Prof, can I get you anything?
14:51No.
14:52It's all right.
14:53Stephen can do it.
15:01Oh, man, how about you?
15:02Gov, no!
15:04Connie's got me, Captain.
15:05Jerry, how about I make you some lunch, eh?
15:10No, thanks, you nutcase.
15:13I don't think it's a good idea for you to handle knives, do you?
15:15Ah, don't touch him, you'll catch his madness.
15:18Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
15:19You're right, insanity is commutable by touch, let's just hope it isn't airborne.
15:24Don't be like that.
15:26There's nothing wrong with me.
15:27I can beat this barman's hand.
15:28I can, I can still serve, I can still serve.
15:32Look.
15:33Ah!
15:34Ah!
15:35Look at my hands!
15:37Oh, no!
15:39No!
15:39Ah!
15:39Look at the size of them mice.
15:45Imagine sticking them up your rostron.
15:48Mouse is a mouse.
15:55Jerry, don't go!
15:56Giant mice.
15:57Some are capable of operating machine guns, even though they haven't got opposable thumbs.
16:01But that is impossible.
16:07Crosby, that's coming out of your wages.
16:09Oh, my own death.
16:12Oh, the most exciting of all.
16:15Oh, and so I die.
16:17In both the literal and Shakespearean sense.
16:20Why do they all leave me?
16:22Why?
16:22No, no, no, you can't shoot me, because I've got a thesis to hand in by the end of next year.
16:26You don't know how hard...
16:27Oh, no, Connie.
16:32So young, so pure, so dead.
16:36Ah!
16:36Look!
16:39It was Jackson Cow!
16:44Hey, you Mickey Mouse, you want...
16:46Oh, I'm a fucking hell!
16:50Justice!
16:51In your face, Greg Thompson!
16:53And your chest and stomach, too!
16:55Oh, you might get the blood out of these carpets!
16:57Swat, you legally!
17:03Shoot me!
17:04For God's sake, kill me!
17:06Will I never die?
17:14Oh, you've taken everyone else away!
17:16Come on, take me!
17:18Please, shoot me, you bastards!
17:19Kill me!
17:21No!
17:22No!
17:23Don't leave!
17:24Don't leave me here on me own home!
17:26Oh, no!
17:27Why do they all leave me?
17:29Why?
17:29I'm still here.
17:34Oh, great!
17:35I'll have Terry's stool now.
17:37And his pint.
17:46Why do they leave me?
17:48Why?
17:49So young, so pure!
17:50Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
17:52Hey, Gav!
17:54Shut up!
17:57Gav, what are you doing?
17:59I need a drink!
18:00Not now.
18:01Can't you see I'm feeling up Connie's dead body?
18:05Look, Gav!
18:06Gav!
18:07Connie went to a student frag week thing an hour ago.
18:10Oh, Gav!
18:12I'm finished!
18:14Look at you all!
18:15You all think I'm mental!
18:16I've lost the respect of every last one of you!
18:18You can't lose what you never had!
18:22The only time we've ever looked up to you
18:23is when you've thrown us in the gutter at closing time.
18:26We only have respect for the alcohol.
18:28But it is a grudging respect.
18:30One day I will show you who is boss!
18:33But not today.
18:37But I'm not going to know Shrink.
18:39I know their game.
18:40They say all your problems boil down
18:42to wanting to have sex with your mum.
18:44I do not want to have sex with my mum.
18:46I mean, you've all met my mum, fellas.
18:47You wouldn't want to have sex with her, would you?
18:50No, absolutely not.
18:52I can think of nothing worse, believe me.
18:55I certainly did not.
18:57Repeatedly over a period of 30 years
18:59across the pool table.
19:03I've got that bloody Freud's fault.
19:05They say he was a genius,
19:06but until he come along,
19:07no-one had even thought of fancying their mum.
19:10Pervert!
19:10Yeah, Austrian pervert too.
19:12Hmm, as if there's any other kind.
19:13Greg Thompson, what an unexpected pleasure.
19:18Yeah, just a flying visit.
19:19I've just hired myself a new sandwich
19:21toasting chef up at the Queen's.
19:23She is gorgeous.
19:24I want to get back there
19:25and show her my favourite filling.
19:27By which, of course, I mean my own semen.
19:30Which I'll be filling her with,
19:31not a sandwich.
19:32I mean, I'm not sick.
19:35Laugh at Mr Thompson's witticism, everyone.
19:38Anyway, I just wanted to let you know
19:39I've been on the internet
19:39and told every landlord in the country
19:41that you're mental
19:42and going to see a nut doctor.
19:43Now, slops,
19:44you're the laughingstock of the profession.
19:46I mean, more so than usual.
19:47Oh, great.
19:48Well, who told you?
19:49It was me.
19:51I said I might tell,
19:52and I did tell,
19:53but I only told Greg.
19:54Oh, well, thanks a lot.
19:55Your secrets are largely,
19:57but not entirely, safe for me.
19:59I'm not going to no shrink.
20:00I do not want to have sex with my mum.
20:02Nah, nor me.
20:03I stopped all that when she turned 60.
20:05I don't do pensioner's slops.
20:10That is a rule I live my life by.
20:11Very honourable, Greg.
20:13The thing is,
20:13Miss Jackson said I should go.
20:14Oh, I said no.
20:15Well, it don't make no odds, does it?
20:16You've got barman's hands.
20:18You're going to be an outcast.
20:22Oi!
20:22Out of my way,
20:23you bloody student bastards.
20:26You all right, darling?
20:26You fancy a bit of detention?
20:28No, thanks.
20:30Get out of it, you notch.
20:32Moose!
20:35Oh, Christ almighty!
20:36Where?
20:37Oh, no, not again.
20:39OK, everyone,
20:40this is a mouse jack.
20:41Hand over all your money at once.
20:43Oh, no, the mice,
20:44they're back.
20:45Do as they say
20:45or they'll kill us all.
20:46No, it's just...
20:47No, don't argue.
20:48Give them your money.
20:48Oh, Christ.
20:52Come on.
20:53Thanks, Gubb.
20:53This is really generous.
20:55Hold on a minute.
20:56This is a dream.
20:56It ain't real.
20:57Give me that back,
20:58you imaginary mouse.
20:59Oh, stop it.
21:00It's for the underprivileged
21:01and differently abled kiddies.
21:03I'm going to kill you.
21:07Oh, all right.
21:09It's that sort of dream,
21:10is it, eh?
21:12Fantastic.
21:13I want to
21:14and I can.
21:17Put it on the idiot.
21:18He wanted to wake me up
21:20and could have pinched me.
21:20Oh, damn,
21:34these useless hands.
21:36Crosby,
21:37fish out that shrinks card
21:38for me, will you?
21:40Good boy.
21:40So you're going to go, then?
21:42Well,
21:42I might as well admit it, Terry.
21:44I am very confused.
21:46Anyway,
21:46you've told everyone I'm going,
21:47so I might as well.
21:52Another pint here, Steve.
22:01Jesus Christ.
22:03Oh, no, come on.
22:04I'm not falling for that, Edgar.
22:07He's behind you.
22:08I'm not stupid.
22:09There's no one there.
22:11He's behind you.
22:12Tell him, will you?
22:13He's behind you.
22:14You're fooling nobody but yourselves.
22:18I'm off for a jimmy.
22:21Can I be a disciple?
22:23I could do that.
22:24I could be a disciple
22:25as long as I didn't have to do anything too hard,
22:27like doubting.
22:30I don't know if I could do that.
22:34No, it's cool.
22:35Actually,
22:35I'm not the real Jesus.
22:37I'm a student from up at the college.
22:39I'm doing rag week,
22:40but I've totally lost my mates.
22:41You haven't seen them.
22:42Oh, yeah,
22:43they came in
22:44and then left
22:45about an hour ago.
22:45Oh, that is so typical.
22:47Everything has just been
22:48going pear-shaped all day,
22:50but I guess it's just
22:51my cross to bear.
22:55Do you get that?
22:58Piss up,
22:58you student bastard.
22:59And then you can go,
23:00you student bastard.
23:14O.O.W.
23:14Yeah.
23:14I do.
23:20Keep saying