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00:00Tonight on JAG, Harm defends a colleague accused of disobeying orders when he returns to a hostile area to retrieve a wounded soldier.
00:11I'm telling you, Mac, Lieutenant Briggs is the finest JAG officer I've ever known.
00:14I know you think he's a fine JAG officer. That's why you need to drop this case. You're too close to him. It's a conflict of interest.
00:20Look, Mac, Briggs is the reason I became a JAG officer.
00:23You're preaching to the choir, Harm. I'm not saying he's not a fantastic JAG officer.
00:26You don't know him like I do. He would never disobey an order. He's not that kind of JAG officer.
00:31Stop yelling at me. You need to drop this case.
00:35Officer Briggs, exactly how long have you been a JAG officer?
00:39Objection. Relevance?
00:42Your Honor, I'm merely trying to establish that my client has long been a JAG officer.
00:46Counsel. Don't match.
00:49Your Honor, this is a travesty. The very fact that Officer Harm himself is a JAG officer.
00:54This has nothing to do with me being a JAG officer.
00:56That's enough. Both of you, when you're in my courtroom, you're to conduct yourself like a couple of respectable JAG officers.
01:10Congratulations, Briggs. Thank God the judge died mid-trial and you got off.
01:14Here's to you, Harm. You're a good friend and one hell of a JAG officer.
01:18No, Briggs. You are the world's greatest JAG officer.
01:21Don't go there, Harm. You're a top-notch JAG officer.
01:26Well, I come by it honestly. My mother was an officer in the WAC, the Women's Army Corps.
01:32No kidding. Your mother was a whack-off...
01:35...tonight.
01:35No, J.
01:40It's MADtv.
01:43Starring...
01:45Alex Horstine...
01:46...
01:47Yes!
01:49Mo Collins!
01:51Yes!
01:53Andrew Daly!
01:57Michael Mayo!
02:03Will Sasso!
02:05Yes!
02:07Aries Spears!
02:09Yes!
02:11Stephanie Weir!
02:13Debra Wilson!
02:17Featuring Catherine Diori,
02:19Taryn Killam,
02:21Jill Michelle Releon,
02:23and Bobby Lee!
02:25Guest starring Vivica A. Fox!
02:31You're watching Channel 34,
02:33serving the Greater Orlando Basin.
02:35This week's Saturday Afternoon Action Pack
02:37concludes with Prehistoric Glamazon Huntress AD.
02:43A freak split
02:45in the space-time continuum anomaly
02:47hurled two Cro-Magnon sisters,
02:49Taka and Michaela, into the
02:5121st century.
02:53A teleportation meltdown
02:55mishap flung space scientist
02:57Zamula Kincaid into the past.
03:01An electrical storm at a Paris fashion shoot
03:03jettisoned supermodel
03:05Alexis DuVaine into
03:07another dimension.
03:09Deep in the heart of the rainforest,
03:11the women were united.
03:17But then, a nucleic radioactive mist
03:19sprayed the four strangers,
03:21transforming them into
03:23Glamazon Huntresses!
03:27Now, their only hope for getting home
03:29is to find the lost emerald
03:31of the Incas, guarded by forces beyond
03:34their wildest imagination.
03:36Look, Huntresses!
03:38I was questing for a way to get us back home!
03:40No luck!
03:42But I found food!
03:44What a stroke of luck, Alexis!
03:45These berries look sweet!
03:46Sweet indeed,
03:48Look, Huntresses, I was questing for a way to get us back home.
03:58No luck, but I found food.
04:02What a stroke of luck, Alexis.
04:04These berries look sweet.
04:08Sweet indeed.
04:15Not so fast, Huntresses.
04:18Look!
04:20What the?
04:22A mysterious foam.
04:25Could it be a clue about the lost emerald of the Incas?
04:29Or a way for us to get home?
04:36Of course!
04:37To the berry patch!
04:39Excellent work, Huntresses!
04:45We're almost there!
04:47Excellent work, Huntresses!
05:00We're almost there!
05:01Oh, God!
05:02Oh, God!
05:03Our cleverest words are all for you.
05:05Oh, God!
05:06Oh, God!
05:06I'm gonna find out what the hell is.
05:07Oh, God!
05:08Oh, God!
05:09Oh, God!
05:09Oh, God!
05:10Oh, God!
05:11Oh, God!
05:11Oh, God!
05:12Oh, God!
05:13Samula, I didn't even notice the foam before.
05:31Do not fret, Alexis.
05:33You are not a scientist from the future, as I am.
05:38It looks dangerous.
05:39Let me see.
05:40Mikayla, no!
05:52No!
06:01There is nothing I can do.
06:05Now, we will never get home!
06:10Goodbye, sweet Mikayla.
06:17Ow!
06:19It's a trap!
06:28Huntressers!
06:30Attack now!
06:31Ah!
06:40Out!
06:42Um!
06:47Ew!
06:48Ew!
06:49Ow!
06:51Ow!
06:54Ow!
06:54Ow!
06:55Ow!
06:55Oh!
06:57Excellent. Work, Huntresses.
07:14What happened?
07:15My cure worked.
07:19But we're still not any closer to getting home.
07:25It's a trap!
07:27Antisaurus!
07:29Huntresses!
07:30Attack now!
07:33I come in peace.
07:36I know where the lost emerald of the Incas is.
07:40If you want to get home, follow me.
07:54I love it when we're sassy.
07:56You said it, girlfriend.
07:58There's nothing like a sassy black woman.
08:00Yeah.
08:00Hey, I'm Ridge.
08:16I'm 21, and I sell glow sticks.
08:18Check it out.
08:19Today, I'm going on a date with two fine chicks, and the one who doesn't give me a chub is dismissed.
08:27Hi, I'm Alexis, and I'm 20 years old and a hostess at Applebee's.
08:32And today's special is me, because I'm the bomb, y'all.
08:36This is my timeout card.
08:38I'm going to be using it if my competitor gets too close to my date.
08:41Hi, my name is Rooney for LaKeeva Halle, but she lives in jazz.
08:47And I'm 19 years old.
08:53Shut up.
08:53I am too.
08:54You don't know me.
08:55You just like a, you know what you like?
08:58You like a, yeah, a furry white little kitten.
09:01I just want to, I want to play with you and catch you and watch you pee in a box.
09:07Both girls are really hot and sweet, and beneath it seems, like, really hot, but really sweet.
09:17What'd you call me?
09:18I said you didn't call me no hot.
09:21I didn't call you a hoe.
09:24I said let's go.
09:27Uh-oh.
09:28Sorry.
09:31Things got off to a rocky start, but once we got on the razor scooters, it was really fun.
09:37Okay, wait up, you guys.
09:39I said wait up.
09:42Come on, wait the up.
09:47Oh, no, you didn't.
09:50Oh, no, you didn't.
09:53Oh, MTV, you're paying for my shoe.
09:57These are $900 Gucci.
09:59These are Gucci.
10:07Oh, no.
10:17It's rude, slutty, mean, selfish, and I can tell that Rich doesn't like her at all.
10:23Time out.
10:24Bonifah, I'm calling her time out.
10:26Bonifah, Bonifah, Bonifah.
10:27Bonifah, she called her time out.
10:28Why?
10:29She called her time out.
10:30Oh, see, uh, okay, all right, all right, see, I know what y'all trying to do.
10:34Y'all trying to send roads apart to the back of the tub.
10:38That's what y'all trying to do.
10:40No, that's the rules.
10:41Let me tell you something, white girl.
10:43You better watch all hell.
10:45I'm not white.
10:46I'm Latina.
10:48Only thing Tina on you is them boobies.
10:51Bitch, I'm gonna get the diss.
10:52Look at that.
10:52My meat balloons.
10:54Yeah.
10:54You just need to be cool, Bonifah.
10:57Be cool and take your time out over there.
11:02I'm gonna tell you about myself.
11:04I'm gonna get a degree in hotel-motel management.
11:07Yeah, because I'm a good person, you know, and...
11:09Bonifah, stop it!
11:11I ain't saying nothing!
11:12I made my decision.
11:14I made my decision.
11:15I choose Bonifah.
11:16Ah!
11:17Ah, I won!
11:18I won!
11:18Oh, thank you, MTV.
11:20I love you.
11:24Audrey, Adam.
11:36This is Lenny Black.
11:37Oh!
11:38Audrey, sir.
11:43Why don't you come on in?
11:45So, Lenny, I hear you are a legend in African-American sitcoms.
11:50Well, when you think black, think black.
11:52Oh, wow.
11:55Adam Hayes, I'm Audrey's right-hand man, and we are very excited to hear your idea.
12:00Well, let's get right to it.
12:01Write this down, please.
12:02All right.
12:02Now, what is the deal with all of these upwardly mobile black chick shows, right?
12:08I mean, what?
12:08Is every black woman in this country a lawyer?
12:11Come on.
12:12That's not my black experience.
12:15Your black experience.
12:17Hell, no.
12:18I want to do a real show about real black women in their real black world.
12:24It's called The Real Deal.
12:27What are these real sisters like?
12:29Oh, well, one word, two syllables, sounds like sassy.
12:34I love it when we're sassy.
12:40Yeah.
12:40You said it, girlfriend.
12:41There's nothing like a sassy black woman.
12:43Yeah.
12:45So, tell me.
12:46What are their names?
12:47All right.
12:48Our lead, Esoterica Johnson.
12:51She is very sassy.
12:56Now, she works in a high-powered law firm, but get this.
12:59She cleans the floors.
13:03That is so fresh.
13:05And who are Esoterica's friends?
13:08Okay.
13:09Her best friend is Gina Tay Johnson.
13:12She's a meter maid.
13:14Right?
13:14Just a meter maid.
13:15Okay.
13:15Okay.
13:15And then we've got Nivea Niles Buford.
13:18She works in a chicken joint, and, uh, I think you know what that means.
13:25Nivea got a big old butt?
13:26Yeah!
13:26Oh!
13:29Oh!
13:30So, tell me.
13:30What happens to these big-ass sassy ladies?
13:34All right.
13:34All right.
13:35So, in the pilot episode, Esoterica and Gina Tay are throwing a birthday par-tay for Nivea
13:42down at the Red Lobster.
13:43Oh, okay.
13:44Okay.
13:44Now, Esoterica promises that Kobe Bryant going to get all up in that lobster, but...
13:51But...
13:51They can't have the party, because they don't have the money, because Esoterica forgot to
13:57cash a check at the liquor store, huh?
13:59Yes!
13:59Right?
14:00How are you feeling me?
14:01I'm feeling you.
14:02How are you feeling me, girl?
14:03I'm feeling you.
14:03Yeah!
14:04So, so, Esoterica like, mm-mm, no, you didn't, girl, no, you didn't say that to me.
14:11Right?
14:12Okay.
14:13And Gina Tay, Gina Tay, she like, mm, the hell I didn't, you been all up in the whoop-de-whoop.
14:18Maybe Esoterica will come in then and say, oh, yes, you did, girlfriend, don't, don't bring
14:24that up in here.
14:25Yeah.
14:26And poor Fat Niffy is like, oh, I ain't even trying to hear, love y'all.
14:31All to the hell, all right?
14:35Don't talk about it, be about it, my niffles.
14:38What?
14:39I got nothing but love for all y'all.
14:41What you guys?
14:42What you guys?
14:43Uh-uh.
14:44You're getting tricky with it.
14:45Getting tricky with it.
14:46Yeah.
14:47All right.
14:48Woo!
14:49I have to tell you, I love the real deal.
14:53UPN needs the real deal.
14:55Well, Audrey, you the boss, lady.
14:57Let me ask you this.
14:59We gots the real deal?
15:06Here's the real deal, Lenny.
15:08I find your show to be astonishingly offensive, amazingly cheap, not funny, not smart, a complete
15:17and utter stereotype.
15:19It saddens me, and it sickens me.
15:22How dare you think that African Americans think and talk that way?
15:26Yes, Lenny.
15:27How dare you?
15:29Okay, at this network, we do clever, classy comedy, okay?
15:35We don't have to rely upon cheap, fat jokes or depend upon stupid, stereotypical humor.
15:42Not here.
15:44No, you do.
15:49Yeah.
15:50I mean, this is UPN.
15:52That's...
15:53That's pretty much all you do.
16:00He's right.
16:01We...
16:02We do have the Parkers.
16:05Oh!
16:07I did it.
16:08Did it again.
16:09I gave the stupid CBS speech.
16:13I forgot I work at a different network now.
16:15Simple mistake.
16:16Oh!
16:17I am...
16:18I'm sorry.
16:19My bad.
16:21You go right ahead, Lenny.
16:22All right.
16:23Now, Nivea's baby daddy come to town and she pissed off!
16:27Today, we're departing from our, ha, usual craziness for a very serious show.
16:39You want any milk in your coffee here?
16:52Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
16:54What is it?
16:55Bud Lutz.
16:56He's out there skulking around in the backyard.
16:58What is that dung beetle up to?
17:00Is Maddie with him?
17:01I don't see her.
17:02Probably picking the dog crap out of her shoes from that damn dog.
17:06Now, where's he going?
17:09He's got his video camera!
17:10Get my camera!
17:11Get my camera!
17:12Quick!
17:13You wanna tape me?
17:14Go ahead and tape me!
17:15I got you on tape, too!
17:16You see that?
17:17I gotcha!
17:18I gotcha, you jackass!
17:19I gotcha!
17:20Yeah, go up, Baldac!
17:21You're so ridiculous!
17:22Go back inside, huh?
17:23Oh, what are you doing near that fence, huh?
17:25Get away from that fence, man!
17:26Get away!
17:27I'm gathering evidence is what I'm doing!
17:29I'm sick and tired of all this rusted-out crap!
17:31The tub and the oven, it's junk!
17:33It's not junk!
17:34It's vintage, you moron!
17:36I'm restoring them!
17:37Yeah, right!
17:38You're so ignorant, bud!
17:40He's a craftsman!
17:41They're antiques, you clod!
17:43Oh, shut up, Dana!
17:45You know, no one in the neighborhood likes you!
17:47Either one of you!
17:48Yeah, craftsman my ass!
17:50You know what?
17:51It's a violation of the city ordinance 87-B!
17:55Where'd you come up with that one off the internet?
17:57The ordinance says that you can't have crappy stuff in your yard, bud!
18:01Well, yeah, well, the pissy yellow house is crappy!
18:04Yeah, no!
18:05Shut up and die, Dana!
18:07You don't know!
18:09Don't look at all the stupidest antique, huh, Matty?
18:12It's a bunch of crap!
18:13It's an environmental hazard!
18:14And I got it, baby!
18:15I got it on tape!
18:16Yeah, well, I got you trespassing on tape!
18:18Look at you leaning over that fence!
18:20I got you, you jackass!
18:21I got you!
18:22I got you!
18:23I got you!
18:24I got you!
18:25And I'm taking this tape right to the city!
18:26We're going to the city today!
18:28Oh, yeah, good, are you?
18:30Well, as long as you're going into the city, why don't you go ahead and bring the tapes that
18:33I got of your damn dog barking every day and night!
18:37A whole month's worth of barking!
18:39That piss bag of yours!
18:41Go ahead and take it!
18:42Because you know what?
18:43I should have shot that dog when I had the chance!
18:45Yeah!
18:46I want to shut you!
18:47I want to shut you, Baldack!
18:48Right in your pimply mug!
18:50You'll come on over!
18:51I want to get a nice shot of Digger making a meal out of your ball sack!
18:55Yeah!
18:56Let's go take a big meaty jump of my balls right now!
18:59Go ahead, man!
19:00I want to see you go ahead and take a bite!
19:02Because you know what?
19:03That's the last bite you'll be taking before they gas you!
19:05You'll get your hands away from my dog, Baldack!
19:07Come on, everybody!
19:08Please stop!
19:09Get back in the house, Jeffrey!
19:10Yeah, get back inside!
19:11There's an unfinished bag of bugles in there for you!
19:14You!
19:15Tell your fat son to mine his fat business!
19:17That's it, you bastard!
19:19Whoa!
19:20Oh!
19:21That was an assault big time and I got it on tape!
19:23What?
19:24Here it comes!
19:25Whoa!
19:26Oh!
19:27Oh!
19:28Oh!
19:29Oh!
19:30You give me that tape, Baldack!
19:31Give me that tape!
19:32Oh, man!
19:33You scared?
19:34Yeah, I got you, you prick!
19:35Whoa!
19:36There you go!
19:37Whoa!
19:38Go get the other hand!
19:39Go get it!
19:41Look at that!
19:42Go get the other cameraman!
19:43Give me that tape!
19:44Yeah!
19:45Huh?
19:46Get on me!
19:47Oh!
19:48Everybody, please stop!
19:49You're acting like children!
19:50Back in the house, Jeffrey!
19:51Yeah, get back in the house!
19:52Get back in the house, Jeffrey!
19:53Get back in the house, Jeffrey!
19:54Get back in the house, Jeffrey!
19:55Shoot, sorry!
19:56Huh?
19:57Get on me!
19:58Oh!
19:59I got it, guys!
20:00I got it, guys!
20:01I'm getting it off!
20:02It's funny!
20:03It's not just memories!
20:04It's evidence!
20:05It's funny!
20:06It's not just memories!
20:07It's evidence!
20:08Thank you!
20:09Thank you!
20:10Thank you!
20:11Thank you!
20:12The Jamie Jones Show has often been criticized for being lewd, crude, and inappropriate for daytime
20:22television.
20:23So, today, we're departing from our usual craziness for a very serious show.
20:43Please welcome our first guest, who is here to talk about, uh, education reform.
20:47Uh, first, uh, ha, Lady Laura Bush!
20:51Thank you!
20:52Thank you!
20:53Hey!
20:54Well, Jamie, as a former teacher and school librarian, I understand the crisis our country
21:00is in with a lack of qualified teachers in our schools.
21:04Yeah, yeah, Jenny, I got a question.
21:06Mrs. Bush, how are you gonna look after our schools when your own sorry-ass husband
21:12Kay-ree!
21:13Yes!
21:14Come on, Kay-ree!
21:15Come on, Kay-ree!
21:16Come on, Kay-ree!
21:17Come on, Kay-ree!
21:19No, we're not, uh, we're not doing that today.
21:22Uh-uh.
21:23That's, uh, today, we're gonna be nice.
21:25That's all right, Jenny.
21:26Until we get more resources and better teachers for our inner-city schools, I think we're going
21:31to see a lot more of this anger that the young lady here was feeling.
21:35Young lady?
21:36Who you calling a young lady, Laura, bitch?
21:38You don't know me!
21:39You don't know me!
21:40You don't know what time I go to work at the phone company!
21:43And how you gonna look after our schools when you can't even look after your own raggedy-ass
21:48children!
21:49No!
21:50Uh-uh.
21:51No, that's, uh, that's not where we're going today.
21:56My daughters are exemplary citizens enrolled in prestigious universities.
22:00I'm very proud of my girls.
22:02I gotta say, uh, your daughters don't have very nice things to say about you.
22:06Yeah.
22:07Ha!
22:08Let's, uh, let's bring out your daughters, uh, Jenna and Barbara Bush, huh?
22:12Ha!
22:13Yeah!
22:14Hey!
22:15Hey, hon!
22:16Woo!
22:17Whatever,
22:43This is who we are, okay, Mom?
22:47We're very well aware that you need help here, and, uh, well, the Jenny Jones Show is all about helping and caring for people.
22:54So, uh, here to help us is the Jenny Jones Boot Camp, uh, instructor.
22:59It's Drill Sergeant Bobby Hapley himself.
23:03Get your asses down! I said, get your spoiled asses down!
23:08I do not like you, Branson. I will split you in two. I do not mean that in a good way.
23:12I am not your mother! I am not afraid to hit a woman!
23:15I know you! I know you! I know you! I know you!
23:18You don't look like my mom! I know you!
23:20Well, uh, Sergeant, uh, ha! You certainly have your work cut out for you.
23:24Are you, uh, ready to, uh, take the, uh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha?
23:31Is bear meat sweet? I'm gonna have a real good time breaking in these two.
23:35Come on!
23:36Take them Bobby Hapley! Take them!
23:39Take them!
23:40Go on, sit your asses down!
23:42Let's go! Play now!
23:43Let's go!
23:44Go on! Go on! Go on!
23:46Go on with your old nasty stank call!
23:49Okay, okay, okay.
23:51I got another question for Ms. Bush, okay?
23:54What you should have done is you should have taken a belt and beat they asses!
23:57Yeah!
23:58That's what you should have done.
23:59Okay, why don't you sit your black ass down, okay?
24:03Wait a minute, black ass?
24:05Wait a minute, Laura! Bitch, you don't know me!
24:07You don't know that my ass is black!
24:09I might have vitiligo!
24:10You don't know if I got vitiligo!
24:12While you're at it, why don't you take a belt and beat your alcoholic, coke-sniffing,
24:16illiterate-ass husband?
24:17Beat your old man!
24:19Bitch, this is all!
24:20Let me tell you right now, this is all!
24:21Let it go!
24:22Let it go!
24:23Let it go!
24:24Let it go!
24:25Let it go!
24:26Let it go!
24:27Let it go!
24:28Let it go!
24:30Let it go!
24:31Let it go!
24:32Let it go!
24:33Let it go!
24:34Well, uh, we're gonna take a break, and, uh, when we come back, uh, we have Condoleezza
24:40Rice and the results of her, uh, paternity test on the new, smarter, General Jones show.
24:48Why can't we go to bars to pick up women?
25:01Just stay with the plan.
25:02Hello!
25:03Oh, hi!
25:04Hi, Daddy!
25:05Mwah!
25:06Ha, ha, ha!
25:07Hey!
25:08Hey!
25:09Hey!
25:10Hey!
25:11Hey!
25:12Hey!
25:13Hey!
25:14Hey!
25:15Hey!
25:16Hey, Tyler, I'm getting cold feet.
25:24Why can't we go to bars to pick up women?
25:26Because, dude, that doesn't work.
25:27All right?
25:28We've already talked about this, okay?
25:29Now, just stay with the plan.
25:30Okay?
25:31We've got two women coming over.
25:32Now, these...
25:33Okay, here they are.
25:34Okay, here they are.
25:35Okay, now, just please stay with the plan, okay?
25:36All right.
25:37Just commit.
25:38Commit.
25:39Okay.
25:40All right, man.
25:41Hello!
25:42Oh, hi!
25:43Hi!
25:44Hi, Daddy!
25:45Mwah!
25:46Hello!
25:47Look at you!
25:48You look so beautiful!
25:49Oh!
25:50Tyler, this is Allie.
25:51Allie, this is Tyler.
25:52Hi!
25:53How are you?
25:54Hi!
25:55Daphne said you might be interested in the whole first season of Sex and the City on DVD!
25:58Hey!
25:59Oh!
26:00Oh!
26:01Oh!
26:02That's something!
26:03Come on in.
26:04Come on in.
26:05Oh, where are my manners?
26:06Where are my manners?
26:07Ladies, this is my lover Jerome.
26:08Say hello, Jerome.
26:09Hey!
26:10Jerome's a little shy, but so cute.
26:12He is.
26:13Looks like somebody's been working out.
26:14Look at this beautiful woman.
26:15Turn around.
26:16Let's see that ass.
26:17Look at that, huh?
26:18Uh-huh.
26:19Look at that ass.
26:20Is that something?
26:21Look at this.
26:22Feel this ass.
26:23Oh, that's something, huh?
26:24Do you really think that's the thing we should do?
26:25Oh, yeah.
26:26It's okay.
26:27Trust me.
26:28I wouldn't let you if I felt threatened.
26:29Come on.
26:30Come on.
26:31She wants you to.
26:32Yeah.
26:33She wants you to.
26:34Come on.
26:35Feel hers, too.
26:36That's a great one.
26:37I'm Tyler.
26:38Can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?
26:39I would love her, but I'm in the middle of a tickle fight.
26:41Oh, not you.
26:42Where's your bulletproof?
26:43Where's your bulletproof?
26:44It's important, lover.
26:45Oh, okay.
26:46Okay, ladies.
26:47I'll be right back.
26:48But when I come back, somebody's getting tickled.
26:50Okay.
26:51Oh.
26:52What's the matter with you, huh?
26:56You want to get laid or what?
26:57But this feels wrong doing this, man.
26:59Listen.
27:00Women trust gay men.
27:03I've never been in five minutes.
27:05I've felt two asses.
27:06Right?
27:07What's wrong with that?
27:08You're right.
27:09I'm sorry.
27:10Keep my eye on the prize.
27:11Come on, dude.
27:12All right.
27:13Now, listen.
27:14Yeah.
27:15Don't be a homo.
27:16Okay?
27:17Be a flaming-ranging homo.
27:18Let's do it.
27:19Let's do it.
27:20Hey, ladies.
27:21Look who's back.
27:22It's Mr. Dickel.
27:23Here comes the assistant.
27:24Here comes the assistant.
27:25Here comes the assistant.
27:27Here comes the assistant.
27:28Jerome, come on.
27:39We've been acting like gay men for two weeks now.
27:41We're never going to get laid doing this.
27:43Are you kidding?
27:45What's the biggest high for any woman on the planet?
27:47To have an open and honest relationship?
27:49No.
27:50No, no, no, no.
27:51To turn a gay man straight.
27:53Okay?
27:54Now, keep your eyes on the prize.
27:55Come on.
27:56Let's do it.
27:57Hello!
28:02Hey!
28:03Hey!
28:04Hey!
28:05Let's get the party started.
28:06Yeah!
28:07Hey!
28:08Who wants their bikini wax first?
28:09Oh, right!
28:10I stop.
28:11I stop.
28:12I don't...
28:13I don't...
28:20not on the plane.
28:21Ah!
28:23Hurry up!
28:24Feels like my arms are going to crack off.
28:26Ah! Hurry up, it feels like my arms are going to crack off.
28:32Oh, honey, it was one of those days
28:34when everything in the store was screaming,
28:36buy me!
28:38I'm just kidding, don't be mad.
28:39Besides, I bought something for you, too.
28:41Ta-da!
28:43Come on, man, not another bracelet?
28:46I can't even move my arms, this is getting weird.
28:50Speaking of weird...
28:56I came out to my parents this morning.
29:00What? Why?
29:01Hello, because we have to cover our bases, okay?
29:05I keep telling you, you've got to come out to your folks, too.
29:07I'm not going to do that, because I'm not gay.
29:10I'm not gay either, okay?
29:13Then why are you and I having sex together every night?
29:16My trip is telling us to you, what's wrong with you?
29:19You dents, all right? We have to cover our bases, all right?
29:21That's why we have the joint checking accounts, okay?
29:23That's why the bike trip through Sonoma Valley to taste wines,
29:26okay, Puddin'?
29:27That's why we're doing this.
29:28You still haven't answered my question about us having sex together.
29:31Can we talk about this another time?
29:33You're right.
29:34The girls will be here soon.
29:35I've got to keep my eyes on the prize.
29:37Right, right, yeah, great, great. Listen, um...
29:42I told the girls not to come over tonight.
29:45What?
29:46Listen, we haven't had a you and me night in forever.
29:49When am I ever going to have sex with a woman?
29:51Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!
29:53Interesting.
29:54Okay?
29:55I'll go run us a bath.
29:58In the Navy!
30:10They've made us some oolong tea, dear,
30:12but we'd better drink it quickly
30:14because the girls are coming over soon.
30:16Stop it!
30:19Those girls aren't going to have sex with us, and you know it.
30:22It's been 47 years and two weeks since we started this stupid plan.
30:27It's a bad plan. Bad.
30:31I'm sorry. I'm leaving.
30:34Fine, go. But you should know before you leave
30:37that Daphne called from the retirement home.
30:40She said she finds you very attractive and wants to have sex with you.
30:46Really? She said that?
30:49Keep your eyes on the prize, my little lotus flower.
30:53I'll stay. For just one more day.
30:56Just one more day, my little Butterbean. I promise.
31:07No, no, no, no.
31:16Whoops. Sorry to interrupt.
31:22Hope you like Coke.
31:23Yeah, Coke's great.
31:25Thanks for taking me to the movies.
31:27Oh, no problem.
31:29I think you're pretty cool.
31:30Whoops. Sorry to interrupt.
31:31Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
31:35Hope you like Coke.
31:36Yeah, Coke's great.
31:37Thanks for taking me to the movies.
31:38Oh, no problem.
31:39I think you're pretty cool.
31:41Whoops. Sorry to interrupt.
31:44I thought I heard a noise. Wanted to make sure nobody was stealing the VCR.
31:47I thought I heard a noise. Wanted to make sure nobody was stealing the VCR.
31:49Hi, Dan.
31:50Hi.
31:51Hi, Mr. O'Malley.
31:52I thought I heard a noise. Wanted to make sure nobody was stealing the VCR.
32:00Hi, Dan.
32:01Hi.
32:02Hi, Mr. O'Malley.
32:04I thought I heard a noise.
32:11Wanted to make sure nobody was stealing the VCR.
32:15Hi, Dad.
32:16Hi.
32:17Hi, Mr. O'Malley.
32:19Hi.
32:20Hi, kids.
32:23So, how was the movie?
32:28It was good.
32:29It was great.
32:30It was good, Dad.
32:30Good.
32:31Good to hear you.
32:31Dad?
32:32Yeah.
32:34You're standing here in your underwear.
32:38Yeah, I know.
32:39It's hot.
32:40It's hot.
32:41Hot.
32:44You kids doing all right?
32:45Yeah.
32:45We're, we're, we're, everything's fine.
32:47So, good night.
32:47Good night, Dad.
32:48Everything's fine.
32:49Good night.
32:49Okay, good night.
32:57Hey, what was the title of the movie?
33:00Uh, You've Got Mail.
33:02You've Got Mail.
33:04You don't, I don't know that.
33:08Who's in that?
33:10Meg Ryan.
33:11Meg Ryan.
33:12Oh, she's very good.
33:14Yeah.
33:15Yeah.
33:15Very good.
33:16Yeah.
33:16All right.
33:17Okay, good night, Dad.
33:18Good night.
33:18Good night.
33:19All right.
33:19Hey, listen, kids, by the way, if you want a refreshment, we got some in the fridge.
33:29We got, we already got it.
33:30Already got it, Dad.
33:31All right.
33:32Good.
33:32Thanks.
33:32All right.
33:33All right.
33:33Hey, listen, Brad, if you want a beer, you can take one and I won't tell anybody.
33:37All right.
33:38Okay.
33:38Thanks, Mr. O'Malley.
33:39Okay.
33:40All right, then.
33:41All right.
33:41Good night, Dad.
33:42Okay.
33:42Good night, kids.
33:43Good night.
33:45Oh, hey, Mimi.
33:46Yeah.
33:47One thing, your mama and I decided we would take you down to the mall, get you those boots
33:55you wanted.
33:59Great, great, Dad.
34:01That's great.
34:01That's a piece of good news in your little world, huh?
34:04Yeah.
34:04All right.
34:05Can we talk about it tomorrow morning, Dad, over breakfast, maybe?
34:09Sure.
34:09We'll talk about over breakfast.
34:13Do you know what you want for breakfast?
34:14Uh.
34:17No, uh, I don't, actually, not right now.
34:20Can, can I, can I decide tomorrow, Dad?
34:22Yeah, we'll sleep on it.
34:23Okay.
34:24It's hot, it's hot.
34:25Yeah, good night, good night, Dad.
34:27Good night, Dad.
34:30You know, I know, I know, I know I'm going to be dreaming about flapjacks.
34:33Okay.
34:33I know that.
34:35Good night, Dad.
34:37Good night, Dad.
34:38With boysenberry syrup, Bob.
34:39Dad, Dad, Dad, please, we're, we're trying to be alone and you're standing here in your underwear.
34:44I mean, couldn't you at least wear boxers?
34:49God, no, I can't wear those.
34:51Not in this heat.
34:53You're lucky I got these on.
35:01Telling you, I had a big glass of iced tea before I went to bed.
35:05And I got these on in case I pee a little.
35:14You ever do that, Brad?
35:16You ever, you ever pee a little?
35:21Actually, no.
35:22Well, different strokes.
35:24James?
35:25Yes, Mama?
35:26James, you come to bed.
35:28I don't want you down there bothering Mimi and her boyfriend.
35:31I'm not bothering anybody.
35:33I'm having a polite conversation.
35:41Remember Mrs. O'Malley, don't you?
35:43Brad?
35:45Hi.
35:46How are you doing?
35:47Say, how's your mother's bridge game?
35:49It's good.
35:50She's a good player, I'll tell you.
35:52Yeah.
35:53Yeah.
35:54I got to go.
35:56Are you sure?
35:57Are you sure you're...
35:57Yeah.
36:00Really badly.
36:02Say hello to your mama and your papa for us.
36:05Well, told you, James, you scared them off.
36:08Now come to bed.
36:08Well, look at you and your cross, your heart.
36:10You're not exactly easy on the eyes right now, I'm telling you.
36:13Come to bed, it's hot.
36:15It is.
36:15I feel like I'm walking up into Hades.
36:18All right.
36:19Good night, Puddin'.
36:21Good night, Dad.
36:27Hello, I'm Debra Wilson.
36:44During time of war, American soldiers have historically composed songs expressing their unique experiences.
36:51The war we fight now is a difficult one for our armed forces.
36:55MADtv is going to take a break from comedy for a moment to bring you the Camp Peterson Military Chorus to perform a medley of new American war songs.
37:04APPLAUSE
37:05Over the sand and through the caves
37:19Across the rivers and over the waves
37:23I've got a gal I'm fighting for
37:26You know she's everything a guy could want and more
37:30I fight to be free
37:32So I can be
37:34Back with my money underneath the maple tree
37:38I've got to get back
37:40I think you know why
37:42If I don't get laid soon
37:44Then I'm gonna die
37:46Oh, blue
37:47Oh, blue
37:48My balls are turning blue
37:50It's hard to think about liberty
37:52When your nuts are turning blue
37:54Oh, blue
37:55Oh, blue
37:56A painful shade of blue
37:58Can't wait to get home
37:59But since I'm alone
38:00A napkin more will do
38:02In our platoon
38:10We sing a tune
38:11We sing it morning, night and noon
38:13We say it hip hooray
38:14I got your back, Joe
38:16When I'm in a bunk and feeling sunk
38:19He sits beside me in my bunk
38:20And strokes my hair and says
38:22I'll rub your back, Joe
38:24Cause when I'm facing danger
38:26And trouble rules the day
38:28I've got the kind of fella
38:30Who'll kiss my tears away
38:32We don't need much
38:33A gentle touch upon your face
38:35So warm embrace
38:36We do a spoon and say
38:37Get on your back, Joe
38:40I love you so, America
38:51My feelings I can't hide
38:54Your mountain peaks
38:56Your valley streams
38:58Your river spreading wide
39:01I am right behind you
39:05As you stand and face the world
39:08My hands upon your shoulders
39:11Can you feel my flag unfurl?
39:16And I long to be inside of thee
39:19And to eat your apple pie
39:22And to wrench the lips of liberty
39:25And to fill you with my pride
39:29And I'll do it over and over
39:32Until my well runs dry
39:35Cause when I'm deep inside of America
39:39I'm completely satisfied
39:44And I'll do it over and over
39:49APPLAUSE
39:49Yeah, yeah!
39:52Woo!
40:03row
40:09APPLAUSE
40:12Thank you for watching, everybody.
40:25Good night.
40:42Good night.
41:12It's a bad plan.
41:22Bad.