- 7 months ago
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00:00I thought we had a very challenging session last week and I think this week
00:05we would all benefit if we could be a little more supportive of each other and
00:09if we can do that I guarantee you that your lives will get better. That is a big
00:15fat lie.
00:17Life never gets better, only gets worse, always. My life started out bad, then got
00:30real bad, then got worse. Then the floor dropped out. I fell down a shaft a
00:36hundred thousand feet onto a pile of loose razor blades. I tried to get up. I
00:42cut all over. I said, why God? He pours down lemon juice on me. Then I catch fire.
00:49And that was during the good years, always.
00:54If you are blue, if you are sad, if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad, you'll get a big lift when you're talking with the Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man who's down at the corner of 20th and 30th Street.
01:13Mofaz, please, please, I will get to you in just one minute. I'd like to start with Nick. Nick, how was your week?
01:22Um, well I'm still waiting to hear the results from my college entrance exams. I'm a mess. I mean I get like only an hour of sleep every night.
01:31You lucky ten-year-old bastard. Do you know how I sleep? With one eye open. You know why? Because I have nine kids.
01:40And you know what they say before I go to bed? They say, Papa, if you don't have candy, we are going to kill you in your sleep.
01:47And when I finally get to sleep and they find the candy, do you think they thank me?
01:52No. They say, Papa, you stupid. Papa, you ugly. Papa, you look like a porn star from 1977.
02:01Okay, we are getting off track again. Please, I'd like to move on now. Helen, what's going on with you?
02:11Well, I know I'm seeking, you know, approval because I didn't have a father when I was growing up. But even so, I just can't stop having sex with all these strangers.
02:23At least you are having sex. Every night I always try to get into my wife's...
02:31Hello, hello.
02:33I try with this. I try with this. I try with this. Hello, hello, hello.
02:37Nothing. Nothing. Never works. Nothing.
02:40I am leading this group. Please, please. Now, Veronica, last week you were telling the group that you were trying to cut back on your cocaine addiction. How is that going?
02:50Actually, it's gotten worse. I've started smoking crack in the bathroom at work.
02:55What is so bad about that? A drug addiction would be a blessing to me. If I were on drugs, I could forget all about my wife who lays in the corner like a giant larva, pulsing.
03:06Next to her is my sister-in-law, who is like a giant bloated maggot in bike shorts.
03:13Go fast. Please stop.
03:14And together they talk to each other in their language, which is not my language.
03:20Then the babies walk by.
03:25I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear another word out of you until everyone else has had a chance to speak. Do you understand? I mean it.
03:31Take it easy, sister.
03:33Not a word.
03:36You don't have to say it twice. Only say it once. Always.
03:42Ed, how are you doing?
03:44Well, uh, I still miss my legs.
03:49May I say something?
03:50No. Ed, please continue.
03:53You know what? Let him talk. I really don't feel like talking anymore.
03:56Thank you. Okay. Now, Ed, you want the legs so bad, you can have mine. I hate my legs. Always.
04:04You know why? They are one single bone. The calf and the ankle are one. It's called a cankle.
04:12All right, Mofaz, you don't give me any other choice. I'm going to have to ask you to leave because you're bringing this entire group down.
04:18No, no. Actually, Mindy, he made me feel a little bit better. I mean, at least I don't have cankles.
04:25Yeah, I mean, actually, I feel lucky that I don't have a spouse that lies in the corner pulsating like larvae in bike shorts.
04:33You know what? I am just a few seconds from walking out of this room and just letting Mofaz take over. Is that what you guys want?
04:42Yeah.
04:45Fine. Fine. That is fine with me. You know what? You're all a bunch of losers.
04:53Okay, Mofaz, tell us more.
04:55Sure. First, I thought she was going to close the door and walk into it. I don't know if you saw that.
05:00Awkward. Idiot.
05:02That is very near you.
05:04That is very near you.
05:35Michael McDonald
05:40Will Sasso
05:44Aerie Spears
05:49Daphne Weir
05:53Deborah Wilson
05:56Featuring Taryn Killam and Bobby Lee
05:59Featuring Taryn Killam and Bobby Lee
06:08Public Smell
06:17Dysfunction, junction, how do you function?
06:20I don't bump kids with behavioral problems
06:24Dysfunction, junction, how do you function?
06:28I've got Ritalin and Zoloft, they really take the edge off
06:33Ritalin, that's a stimulant that's sure to pop you in
06:36Zoloft, that's a pill for all you stretched out kids
06:40Hey, I think I'll take three, that'll fix my ADD
06:44Dysfunction, junction, how do you function?
06:48Doping up kids with behavioral problems
06:52Adderall and Risperdal and Dexedrine
06:54That's really keen
06:57Methylphenidate is what I just ate
06:59If it works for you, why not take two?
07:03Dysfunction, junction, why do you function?
07:06Because parents push the pills just to keep you quiet
07:10They want a quick fix, like a Happy Meal, to make you feel real
07:13So they don't got a deal
07:15To help you hand, they'll hand you a man and sing you to bed
07:18Then when you're in school, you won't act like a fool
07:20Just don't overdose it or else you'll drool
07:22Dysfunction, junction, that's your function
07:26Mommy, I don't know what to do, but I don't want to watch TV
07:29You can't make me, you can't
07:31Oh, my green ones, oh, I'm peaking
07:35That's the funniest thing I've ever heard
07:38I'm so lovely
07:40I like love, you like love
07:45Jeffrey, this is our boss, Mr. Federnagel
07:48Why do I squeak?
07:50Look, see, look, see
07:56This is your desk, and your computer is all set up and ready to go
08:00And, um, I guess that's it
08:02Welcome to Federnagel Enterprises
08:04I hope you enjoy working with us, Jeffrey
08:06I think I will
08:07I know you will
08:08It's a wonderful place, and if you have any questions...
08:11Cynthia, I gotta squeak
08:13Listen, Cynthia, I gotta squeak
08:15Mr. Federnagel, there's someone I want you to meet
08:17This is our new employee, Jeffrey
08:19Jeffrey, this is our boss, Mr. Federnagel
08:22I gotta squeak
08:24I gotta squeak
08:25Look, see, look, see
08:27I gotta squeak
08:28I hear it
08:29You wanna take it to my office, and I'll have a look at it
08:31Okay
08:32Okay? Oh, okay, all right, thank you
08:36Um, Cynthia, that's, uh, that's the Mr. Federnagel?
08:40The president of the company?
08:42Yes, it is
08:43He built this company from the ground up
08:45But, um, about five years ago
08:47He was putting Christmas lights up on his house
08:49And his wife backed out of the garage
08:51And knocked him off a 55-foot ladder
08:54He was in the hospital for eight months
08:56And poor thing, he just hasn't been the same ever since
08:59Oh, man, but he doesn't run the company
09:02Oh, no, no, no, no
09:03Mr. Penlow, the vice president, took over
09:05But he wanted to make sure that Mr. Federnagel always had a place here
09:08Yeah
09:09So, okay, let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, all right?
09:11Great, thank you, Cynthia
09:22Where's Cynthia?
09:24Oh, um, she, she left
09:26Hi, I'm Jeffrey
09:28Where's Cynthia?
09:29She's, um, she's, she's in her office
09:31But I, I can call her for you if you want
09:33What's that? What's that?
09:34What's, what's what?
09:35April Fools!
09:37That was good
09:38You got me
09:39April Fools!
09:40I know, I turned and there's
09:41April Fools!
09:42I know, yeah, there was nothing there, was there?
09:44No, not in April Fools
09:46I know, that was good
09:47You like April Fools?
09:48No
09:49Yeah
09:50Uh, uh oh
09:51What?
09:52There's a spider on your shoulder
09:54No!
09:55No, no, no, no, no, no
09:58Please, please, calm down
10:02Mr. Federnagel
10:03Mr. Federnagel
10:04Mr. Federnagel
10:05No, no, no, no
10:06What happened?
10:07What happened?
10:08I'm sorry, I'm sorry
10:09It was April Fools
10:10It's July
10:11I know, I know, but he was my kid
10:15He was playing April Fools
10:16He was playing April Fool's!
10:19He kept playing April Fool's, and I just...
10:20Hey!
10:27Listen.
10:33I know that I seem like a grown man.
10:35Buffy!
10:36Oh he's making...
10:37But Mr. Fennenagel is...
10:40This is a new suit!
10:41He works like a child,
10:44So joking around is completely inappropriate, okay?
10:47Okay, I'm sorry.
10:48You need to watch yourself.
10:48Mr. Vendornagel.
10:49Mr. Vendornagel.
10:50I didn't, I didn't.
10:51Do you want to get,
10:52do you want to get a Twizzler?
10:53No.
10:54Let's go get a Twizzler.
10:55Let's go get a Twizzler.
10:56Okay.
10:56Let's go.
10:57Okay.
10:58Okay.
10:59Okay.
11:00Okay.
11:01Okay.
11:01Okay.
11:02Okay.
11:03Okay.
11:04Okay.
11:05Okay.
11:06Okay.
11:06Okay.
11:07Okay.
11:08Okay.
11:09Okay.
11:10Okay.
11:11Okay.
11:11Okay.
11:12Okay.
11:13You're funny.
11:14Yeah.
11:15You're funny.
11:16Yeah, she is, isn't she?
11:17You're funny.
11:17Oh.
11:18No, she doesn't, she doesn't eat.
11:19That's a gift.
11:20You like her though?
11:21Yeah, funny.
11:22Yeah, she is.
11:23She is funny, isn't she?
11:24You want to see what she can do?
11:25No.
11:26All right.
11:27Ah!
11:27Oh no!
11:28Oh no!
11:29Mr. Vendornagel, please!
11:30Mr. Vendornagel, please!
11:31Mr. Vendornagel, Mr. Vendornagel, what happened?
11:36I'm sorry.
11:37What happened to you?
11:38It was a gift.
11:39It was, this is a toy.
11:39There's Gary Laney.
11:41The only person who knows what is right
11:44and wrong with you.
11:45He's essentially a child.
11:48That helmet has no purpose.
11:50He saw it on a monkey at his son's birthday
11:52and he asked if he could wear it.
11:55Sammy, you cannot do this.
11:56Mr. Vendornagel, Mr. Vendornagel,
11:58how about Hanson's Lemon Lime soda?
12:00That's a different dog.
12:01Yeah.
12:02I'm gonna, I'm gonna go get you one.
12:05I'll be right back, okay?
12:06Right back.
12:07You just, hey, watch yourself.
12:08Never.
12:13Oh my, oh my goodness, this is it.
12:27What?
12:28This is it, it's my window.
12:29This is my window.
12:30Your what?
12:31My doctor explained this to me.
12:32This is my window of clarity.
12:33My doctor told me that I would have a short period
12:35of lucidity where if someone hit me in the head
12:38with a blunt object, I could be cured.
12:40That's crazy.
12:41You've gotta do it.
12:42I'm not making it.
12:44Hit me in the head.
12:44I'll be cured.
12:45You don't want me to be cured?
12:46I do, yes, but.
12:47Hit me with a freaking bat.
12:48Hit me.
12:49I'll fire you, I swear to God.
12:50Come on, you little wimp.
12:51Nail me.
12:52Hit me.
12:53Get out of here.
12:54Ow.
12:54Ow.
12:55Ow.
12:56Ow.
12:57Ow.
12:58Ow.
12:59Ow.
12:59Ow.
13:00Ow.
13:01Ow.
13:02Ow.
13:03Ow.
13:04Ow.
13:04Ow.
13:05Ow.
13:06Ow.
13:07Ow.
13:08Ow.
13:09Oh my God.
13:09What are you doing?
13:10Oh, I'm curing him.
13:11Stop it now, Mr. Vendornagel.
13:12Are you okay?
13:13No, no, no, no, no.
13:14You don't understand.
13:15It's a window of clarity.
13:15No, Mr. Vendornagel.
13:16No, I'm curing him.
13:17Tell her, Mr. Vendornagel.
13:18Tell her.
13:19The Healing Man.
13:20No, no, no, no, no.
13:22Security.
13:23Security.
13:24No, no, no.
13:25The Healing Man.
13:26What?
13:26No, no, no.
13:27You don't understand.
13:28It's a mistake.
13:29Tell him.
13:30Tell him about the window of clarity.
13:32Oh.
13:34Are you okay?
13:34I'm okay.
13:35Okay.
13:36I feel better.
13:37He's gone, the bad man.
13:38He's gone.
13:39Mr. F.
13:40Hey, uh-oh.
13:41There's a spot on your shoulder.
13:43Oh, no.
13:43Oh, no.
13:44April Fools!
13:45Oh, you.
13:46Help!
13:47The Boogie Man's behind you.
13:48Where?
13:48The Boogie Man.
13:49Oh, no.
13:50Hey, there's something on your shirt, Mr. F.
13:51Where?
13:52Where?
13:53Ah, ha, ha, ha.
13:54Ah!
13:54Ah!
13:55Ah!
13:56Ah, ha, ha.
13:57Ah, ha, ha.
13:58Ah, ha, ha.
13:59Sorry.
13:59Mr. Vendornagel!
14:00Ah, ha, ha.
14:01Ah, ha, ha.
14:02Ah, ha, ha.
14:03Ah, ha, ha.
14:04Ah, ha, ha.
14:04Ah, ha, ha.
14:05Ah, ha, ha.
14:06Ah, ha, ha.
14:07Ah, ha, ha.
14:09Bend at the waist, keeping our vertebrae straight,
14:13our nipples pointing directly to the ground.
14:15Ah, ha, ha.
14:16Ah, ha, ha.
14:17Ah, ha, ha.
14:17Ah, ha, ha.
14:18Ah, ha, ha.
14:19You're watching Sunrise Yoga with Sage Hagen.
14:22Ah, ha, ha.
14:23Ah, ha, ha.
14:24Ah, ha, ha.
14:25Sun Salutations.
14:27I'm Sage Hagen.
14:29You all know Krystal.
14:31And joining us on mat three is Beverly Fusco.
14:35Beverly is the winner of our Anahata contest.
14:38Today is her first day doing yoga.
14:42Welcome, Beverly.
14:43And why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
14:45Well, we just had baby number three and we're done.
14:49No more, sorry, Jim.
14:50And I've entered the contest, Mr. Hagen,
14:54because I want to reconnect with my body.
14:57Well, that's the perfect reason
14:58to begin practicing the yoga arts.
15:01Shall we?
15:02Start with our feet firmly together.
15:05Push forward.
15:07And gently and slowly rising,
15:11one vertebrae at a time.
15:14Bringing our hands up toward the sun.
15:18Firmly together.
15:21Relax your mind.
15:23Relax your anus.
15:24Ah, ha, ha.
15:25Ah, ha, ha.
15:26Ah, ha, ha.
15:27Ah, ha, ha.
15:28Ah, ha, ha.
15:28Ah, ha, ha.
15:29Our second warm-up breath will be
15:32as we bend at the waist,
15:34keeping our vertebrae straight,
15:36our nipples pointing directly to the ground,
15:40relieving pressure on the clitoral hood.
15:42Ah, ha, ha.
15:43Ah, ha, ha.
15:44Ah, ha, ha.
15:45I'm sorry.
15:46I'm sorry.
15:47I just don't know if I can.
15:48Beverly.
15:48Beverly.
15:49You're doing fine.
15:50Just focus.
15:51Ah, ha, ha.
15:52Focus.
15:53And we'll go down on the ground in our first pose,
15:57which is child's pose.
16:00On our knees,
16:02huddling the ground.
16:04Breathe in.
16:06Ah, ha, ha.
16:07And breathe out,
16:09letting calmness flow down over the shoulders,
16:13over the spine,
16:15down the butt crack,
16:16and into the neck.
16:18Wow.
16:19Ah, ha, ha.
16:20See?
16:20I made that.
16:21Beverly.
16:22Beverly.
16:23Mm-hmm.
16:24Please, just concentrate on the words.
16:25Okay.
16:25The images.
16:26The breathing.
16:27All right.
16:28Ah, ha, ha.
16:29And as we move into cat's pose,
16:32on all fours,
16:34inhale as we arch our back,
16:36and blow that breath right out your cervix.
16:40Ah, ha, ha.
16:41Ah, ha, ha.
16:42And then, as we rock forward,
16:44we breathe out through the penis shaft.
16:47Ah, ha, ha.
16:47Ah, ha, ha.
16:48Just relax on the penis shaft.
16:50Okay.
16:51This is tough.
16:52This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
16:53Beverly, it's not as hard as you think.
16:57All right?
16:58It's only as hard as you make it.
16:59All right?
16:59Okay.
17:00Let's move to our next pose,
17:02which is the butterfly pose.
17:05Feet together.
17:07Bring your testes or vaginas
17:10as close to your heels as you can.
17:12Ah, ha, ha.
17:13Ah, ha, ha.
17:14Ah, ha, ha.
17:15Beverly, I can see your vagina is clenching.
17:18Ah, ha, ha.
17:19Ah, ha, ha.
17:20I'm uncomfortable.
17:21Uh.
17:22You're okay.
17:23You're okay.
17:24All right?
17:25You're fine.
17:25You're doing great.
17:26Just concentrate on the breathing.
17:27You could expose your vagina for me.
17:28Great, then we will breathe through our vaginas.
17:32Ah, ha, ha.
17:33Ah, ha, ha.
17:34Ah, ha, ha.
17:35Ah, ha, ha.
17:35Ah, ha, ha.
17:36Yes, one more.
17:38I don't know how to breathe through my vagina.
17:40Yes, just like that.
17:42Just do it,
17:43as she breathes through her vagina.
17:45Inhaling and exhaling through her vagina.
17:50Beautifully.
17:52I'll try it.
17:53Ready?
17:54Breathe through your vagina.
17:55Ah, ha, ha.
17:56Ah, ha, ha.
17:57Ah, ha, ha.
17:58Beverly, this, you're breathing through this, this is not your vagina.
18:04Your vagina is, point to your vagina first.
18:08I know, I've had three kids come out of here.
18:11So I know, so I know.
18:14Great, let's breathe through that.
18:17Okay, ready?
18:19Inhale.
18:21And exhale.
18:24And relax.
18:26Letting our milk pillows shake them.
18:30Shake the milk pillows.
18:32The milk man has arrived.
18:35Exhale.
18:39And placing our feet firmly on the floor.
18:44Sliding our behind on the ground like a dog that has an itch.
18:52And let your anus yawn open.
18:57Let your dirt chutes say hello to the sun.
19:01Expose your taint.
19:05And open your velvet curtains exposing your stolen jewelry box.
19:12Whew, very well done.
19:14Beverly, uh...
19:17Crystal, did you see where Beverly went?
19:20No, I'm sorry, Sage.
19:22I was focusing on my swollen jewelry box.
19:26I guess yoga isn't for everyone.
19:30When we return, we will do a full shavasana for men.
19:35Letting our testes drop and ride the wind.
19:40Total stratum freedom.
19:46This has been Sunrise Yoga with Sage Harbourman.
19:57Get out of our store!
20:08Hi.
20:09Hey.
20:11Rock and roll, man.
20:13All right.
20:15Um, I'm thinking about buying a guitar.
20:17Are you the guitar guy?
20:21Am I the guitar guy?
20:23Should I have you ask Stevie Ray Vaughan the same question
20:26if you were still gracing this earth?
20:28I used to be his roadie for six months.
20:31Name's Jake.
20:33Oh, right.
20:39Hey, stay young, Stevie.
20:41Rest in peace, SRV.
20:46All right, let's see what we got over here.
20:48Oh, beautiful.
20:49Cool, dude.
20:50Awesome.
20:51Well, actually, I'm looking to buy a guitar
20:53to get the girls to like me.
20:55You came to the right place, man.
20:56Oh, really?
20:57You date a lot?
20:58Let me put it to you this way.
20:59Nary a weekend goes by when old Jake ain't in my boogie van
21:02behind 7-Eleven with some chickie-poo throwing ass.
21:07Yeah, that sounds...
21:10All right, that sounds great, man.
21:12All right, let's see what we got here.
21:14Yeah, there it is.
21:16Oh, that one looks nice.
21:18That's perfect.
21:19That's nice, huh?
21:20You like that?
21:21Yeah, I can fit you into a fender like this
21:22for about three or four, maybe two or three for you.
21:24You like that?
21:25Yeah, 100, no problem.
21:26Awesome.
21:27See what I like about that?
21:28Yeah, the action's nice and high off the fretboard.
21:31It's good for a beginner like you.
21:32Yeah, awesome.
21:33Yeah, let's take a look at this.
21:34All right.
21:35You ever played before?
21:36That's it.
21:37Chords like this one.
21:41Yeah.
21:44That's great.
21:47That's great, yeah.
21:51That's awesome.
21:52You think I could...
21:53Maybe...
21:54Yeah.
21:55That looks great, man.
21:56But you want to learn how to do that, right?
21:57I'd love to do that.
21:58Oh.
21:59Let's see if you can do a little bit of this, huh?
22:00All right.
22:03You want to learn how to do that?
22:04Sure, why not?
22:07All right.
22:15Yeah.
22:29Oh.
22:30Can I...
22:31All right, that was great.
22:32If I could just try it now.
22:33I'm going to go to the rest of the studio, okay?
22:35I'm going to go over here.
22:36All right.
22:41Hey, brother.
22:42Hey.
22:43Yeah, man.
22:44Yeah, right on.
22:45All right.
22:47I was thinking about maybe trying out the drums.
22:49Do girls like drummers?
22:51Oh, are you kidding me, man?
22:52Hey, I bag a lot of widows.
22:54Can you dig it?
22:57That's great.
22:58Hey, I'd like to try them anyways.
23:00All right.
23:01Well, you're in luck, my friend.
23:03Because we just got in the new ProMark 411 from Ludwig.
23:06Oh, baby.
23:07Yeah.
23:08That's beautiful.
23:09Yeah, isn't she a little honey?
23:10Definitely.
23:11You want to take her for a test drive?
23:12Oh, I'd love to.
23:13That'd be great.
23:14All right, all right.
23:15Oh.
23:22That's a whole razzmatazz thing I got going there, right?
23:25That was great.
23:26That was really good.
23:27Yeah, man, yeah.
23:28Syncopated style.
23:32I like it.
23:43Sure, absolutely, what's your pleasure?
23:48I've second thought, I'd like to learn an instrument!
23:52What?
23:55I'd like to...
23:56Nothing.
23:57I'm trying to insult you, never mind.
24:02Excuse me. Excuse me, do you work here?
24:06Yes.
24:08That's beautiful.
24:10I know, I wrote it.
24:12Really?
24:14When I was three.
24:18Do you think I could play?
24:20No, no, no, no, no, no.
24:22Excuse me?
24:23No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
24:24Okay, okay, excuse me!
24:26Listen, I'm a paying customer, okay?
24:28I came here to buy- I don't want another handshake, no!
24:32I don't want to hear you jags play and drop names of people I've never heard of before in my life, alright?
24:37I'd like to play an instrument before I buy it.
24:39Could I just touch one?
24:41That makes me feel better.
24:44Dude, dude, dude, you gotta chill, little brother, you gotta chill, man.
24:47Just chill out.
24:48Let this Fender Stratocaster speak to you, my man.
24:51I'm sure you'll like it.
24:52No, no, no.
24:53Alright, just one sec.
24:54Alright.
25:01Get out of our store!
25:07We don't want to sell these instruments to you, we just want to play them by ourselves.
25:24Get out!
25:32Get out!
25:41Your dad's a fed.
25:43And a sellout pig.
25:45You know what a pig is?
25:46Well, that's your dad!
25:54The messages expressed in the following program in no way reflect those of the public broadcasting system.
26:12The reading caboose has arrived!
26:15Hi everyone, I'm Ms. Lucy.
26:18And I'm Conductor Clark.
26:20Who wants to read?
26:21Me, me, me!
26:22Great! Can someone tell me what the first letter of the alphabet is?
26:26Yes, Shelly?
26:27A!
26:28That's right!
26:29A as in...
26:32Apple.
26:33Or A as in...
26:36Armadillo.
26:37Or A as in...
26:40Assassination.
26:42As in John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963.
26:48Though an arrest was made, the true killer was...
26:51Never found.
26:53As some of your parents may have told you,
26:55Conductor Clark and I were both fired from satisfying news jobs for exposing the lies of the American propaganda machine.
27:02That's right.
27:03But now all we care about is fun.
27:05Guess what?
27:06What?
27:07The government puts things in your water.
27:09But that's next week's show.
27:12Okay, who can tell me what the second letter of the alphabet is?
27:16Let me give you a hint.
27:17It starts with the same first letter as our old college.
27:20Berkeley!
27:22Yes, Trevor?
27:23B!
27:24That's right!
27:25B as in book...
27:28Depository.
27:30Lee Harvey Oswald was in a book depository when he supposedly fired the fatal shots that killed President Kennedy.
27:37Even though the Zapruder film clearly shows that Kennedy was shot from a forward angle.
27:42But that's not what the CIA wants us to believe.
27:46Hey, you just said a C word.
27:49Did I?
27:50Yes, you did.
27:51Well, I'll tell you what.
27:52You know what else he stands for?
27:54Conspiracy.
27:55Cover-up.
27:56And...
27:57Cuban connection.
27:59At least that's what my friend Hobo Dan told me.
28:02Come on!
28:03Yeah.
28:04Did someone say my name?
28:06Hi, Hobo Dan!
28:08Hi, kids!
28:10You know, if there's anything I like more than riding the rails, it's eating ice cream.
28:15Do you like ice cream?
28:17Yeah!
28:18Good, because there's ice cream in your shoes!
28:24Oh, Hobo Dan, there's no ice cream in our shoes.
28:28You're right.
28:29And there's no justice in a government that lies to its own people.
28:33Hey, that reminds me of a song.
28:38They say that Oswald acted by himself, but I know that's a lie.
28:44Lyndon Johnson, if not Castro, planned the President's death.
28:50He did not act alone, he did not act alone.
28:53The real shot came from the grassy knoll.
28:56He did not act alone, he did not act alone.
28:59The shot came from the knoll.
29:02Yay!
29:04Thanks, Hobo Dan.
29:06That was fun.
29:07And the truth.
29:08My pleasure.
29:10Bye, everybody!
29:11Bye, Hobo Dan!
29:15Miss Lucy, I have a question.
29:17Yes, Ernie?
29:18Well, my dad says this case was closed 30 years ago,
29:21and only crackpots would want to explore unfounded theories.
29:25Hmm, well, your dad's a fed and a sellout pig.
29:29Do you know what a pig is?
29:31Well, that's your dad!
29:33Can everyone make the noise of Ernie's dad?
29:35Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink.
29:37Get out of here, you little son of a pig!
29:39Now it's time for...
29:41Oh!
29:43Uh-oh, it's mean old Uncle Sam!
29:48Watch Wheel of Fortune!
29:49Spend all your money!
29:51Eat red meat!
29:52Pay your taxes!
29:53Your government's in control!
29:55Don't ask questions!
29:57You're not being lied to!
29:59Go to sleep, America!
30:01Sleep!
30:06Phew!
30:07I'm glad that bad man's gone.
30:09Me too.
30:11Now let's take a look at some funtastic excerpts from the Warren Report.
30:15Ah!
30:17No, no, no!
30:19We will not be silenced!
30:21We will not be silenced!
30:23This might be a good time to take a break.
30:25There will be more reading excitement when we come back.
30:28But remember, kids, the most important part of reading is...
30:31Reading between the lines!
30:33You hear me, pigs?
30:35We're here to stay!
30:37When you can read, the fun never ends!
30:49Welcome back to the 54th Annual Emmy Awards.
30:52Here's your host, Oprah Winfrey.
30:56And the nominees for Lead Actor in a Drama Series are...
31:00Martin Sheen, The West Wing.
31:03James Gandolfini, The Sopranos.
31:08Dennis Franz, NYPD Blue.
31:14Noah Wiley, ER.
31:19And Sam Waterston, Law and Order.
31:25And the Emmy goes to...
31:28The Emmy goes to...
31:32Yes, at last, James Gandolfini!
31:45Thank you very much.
31:47This is an unbelievable honor.
31:49I guess now I'm going to have to cancel those hits
31:51that I put out on the television academy members, huh?
31:59Seriously, so many people to thank.
32:01I want to thank everybody over at HBO.
32:04You guys, there's very brave people over there.
32:06I want to thank everybody.
32:07We got the best cast, the best writers,
32:10the best producers, everybody.
32:12I want to thank my wife.
32:13This is an unbelievable honor.
32:14Unbelievable.
32:15Thank you so much.
32:16This is great.
32:17Thank you very much.
32:19Thank you so much.
32:27Excuse me, sir, you can't go back to my seat.
32:29You have to go off back there.
32:39Hey, you all right?
32:40Tell me what to do.
32:41You all right?
32:42Come on, come on.
32:43Which way do we go?
32:44Back off!
32:45Everybody back off, all right?
32:46It's OK, James.
32:47Hey, just hold on a second.
32:48I'm going to go back to my seat.
32:50OK, OK, you can go back to your seat, OK?
32:52But first you have to talk to the press.
32:54Hey, get your freaking hands off of me, all right?
32:56I want to go this way.
32:57OK, you can't go this way, James.
32:58That's where the presenters are coming from.
33:00Please come this way.
33:01Hey, get off of me!
33:02Let me out!
33:03Let me think.
33:04Everybody back off.
33:05Let me think.
33:06Let me think.
33:07Let me think.
33:08It's really very simple, sir.
33:09All you have to do is go back.
33:10No!
33:15What the hell is going on?
33:17It's Gandolfini.
33:18He's confused.
33:19He wants to go off the wrong way.
33:21Let me just talk to him.
33:22James, it's Brian Gumbel.
33:24Hey, leave me alone.
33:25I don't know you.
33:26Yes, you do.
33:27Remember, we did an interview together.
33:28Julia Roberts, we talked about the Mexican.
33:33I'm going to my seat.
33:34I'm going to my seat.
33:35Somebody call security!
33:36I'm going to my seat.
33:37No, no, give me that.
33:38I want it.
33:39I've got his mother on the line.
33:40Jimmy, please.
33:42Oh, just go off stage right.
33:44Do what they tell you.
33:46Everything will be all right.
33:48No!
33:55Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
33:57Look at me.
33:58Look at Oprah.
33:59Look over here.
34:01Yeah!
34:17He's killing the hot chick.
34:18Take the shot!
34:19Take the shot!
34:30God, that's enough juice to drop an elephant.
35:00Now here to present the award for Best Dramatic Series,
35:05tonight's Best Actor Emmy winner, James Gandalf.
35:20The winner is...
35:21No, you haven't read the nominees yet.
35:24Stay tuned for more of the 54th Annual Emmy Awards.
35:42Once again, as always, the MADtv audience is a fabulous one.
35:47God bless you all.
35:48Good night!
35:54Hey, bro, you dropped your keys.
35:58Who you calling bro, bitch?
36:01Warning, any crack Carlos Mencia makes about sexual orientation
36:04is totally unavoidable.
36:05A brand new season of My Demencia starts Wednesday at 10.30.
36:10Ron White.
36:11I'm sweating, Scott.
36:13Has zero tolerance.
36:14No means no.
36:16For stupid.
36:17The next time you have a thought, let it go.
36:24Here comes the good part.
36:25I love women.
36:26I especially love drunk women.
36:27Like a monkey in a sidecar.
36:29I chew not.
36:31Here's a little parenting tip.
36:32I'm third generation.
36:34Don't give a...
36:35Ron White.
36:36You can't fix stupid.
36:37The network television premiere Sunday night at 9.
36:39Only on Comedy Central.
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