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Carl Lorraine
  • 3 months ago
THANKS FOR WATCHING 😁

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00:00Hey folks, John Madden here with a recap of some of the big movies I saw over the holidays.
00:06First off, going to the movies cost too damn much.
00:09So I made my grandson buy a child's ticket while I hid in the bushes over here like this.
00:14Then I jumped down the bushes and I ran an outpatter like that.
00:17Boom! I tackled my grandson and stole his ticket.
00:20I mean, what an idiot that kid is.
00:22I got in for $5.99 and he was stuck out in the cold.
00:25I'm reveling in this right now.
00:28And once I was inside, I snuck into all the other movies without paying.
00:32Boom! What a cheap bastard I am!
00:34And yet a genius.
00:35So the first movie I saw was The Cat in a Hat with Mike Myers.
00:40Now the main problem with this one is pretty much Mike Myers.
00:44Dressed up like a cat. This guy is sexy. In fact, he's too sexy.
00:48I don't want to get turned on watching a grown man in a cat costume, but I do.
00:54Next I saw Cold Mouth.
00:56I was deeply moved by this sweeping epic of love in times of war.
01:00But you know what this movie was missing?
01:03Beyonce's ass!
01:04Look at that thing! No!
01:06I mean, it's like a second ass!
01:08And it's on top of her regular ass!
01:10I mean, look at it!
01:11See, see, here's where a normal person's ass, that's where a normal person's ass stops.
01:14But Beyonce's goes up here, and then down this way, and when she goes left, her ass goes right!
01:19Anyway, next I saw food.
01:21Food was at the concession stand.
01:23So when I saw it, hey, I bought some.
01:26But the popcorn, I mean, after eating a little bit, it was too dry.
01:30So I sprinkled some Jägermeister on it.
01:32I'm thinking I'm almost puking about it right now.
01:36So I threw the popcorn away, and I drank the Jäger.
01:38That's just the kind of guy I am.
01:40Then I saw double, because I was loaded, you know?
01:43When you're loaded, you see more than one.
01:44So then I zigzagged into The Lord of the Rings.
01:47Which should have been called, what the hell am I looking at?
01:50Because I couldn't follow it.
01:51Too many wizards, not enough Smurfs.
01:54So I ran out of the theater, got in my car, and then I drove like this, ran over a small animal here.
01:59It might have been a squirrel.
02:00I'm not sure what it was, because when you hit them in there, they're that flat.
02:03You don't know what they are anymore.
02:04So I got home, and I saw the absolute best movie of the year.
02:07The Paris Hilton Sex Table.
02:10This movie needs it all.
02:12It's got a good plot, a touching love story, and night vision.
02:17So screw going to the movies, stay home, get plastered, and watch porn, and then do what you really need to do.
02:23Play Madden 2004 instead.
02:25So you can thank me later, bitches.
02:27Boom!
02:28I am out of here!
02:31The success is Man TV!
02:38With Butch Barenholz.
02:43Frank Caliendo!
02:46Mo Collins!
02:49Bobby Lee!
02:53Michael McDonald.
02:58Joel, Josh Meyer, Ron Peterson, Gary Spear, Paul Lowe, and Stephanie Weir, featuring Melissa
03:24Wong, Jillian Vigman, guest-starring Jeff Probst, Sugar Shane Mosley, and Nicole Sullivan.
03:33You're watching the Sci-Fi Channel, television for the 40-year-old virgin.
03:43Hi, I'm Shannon Doherty.
03:51Notorious bad girl slash bad actress.
03:55Welcome to the latest stop on my free-fall career, Scare Tactics.
04:02Here's the formula.
04:03Your friends set you up, and we catch it all on hidden camera.
04:06Tonight's victim, Andra, already the butt of other television pranks.
04:11She and her gay best friend James starred in the dating catastrophe Boy Meets Boy, in which
04:16some of the men were only pretending to be gay.
04:23Let's see what happens when this relaxing dinner turns into her last supper.
04:29Excuse me.
04:31Excuse me.
04:32Yes.
04:33If I had diabetes and this wasn't Diet Coke, I could die.
04:46Yeah, but it is Diet Coke.
04:47And I don't have diabetes.
04:49See my point?
04:51Oh no, James.
04:52I think the waiter was lying.
04:53I mean, what if this actually is Diet Coke, but then he put sugar in it just to trick me.
05:07Oh no, James
05:14I think the waiter was lying
05:16I mean, what if this actually is Diet Coke
05:18But then he put sugar in it just to trick me
05:20That would be bulls**t
05:23Don't worry, Andra
05:26Everything's fine
05:28You're right
05:32You're my gay best friend and you're right
05:34Mmm, big ziti
05:37Excuse me, everyone
05:41I'm afraid I have some alarming news
05:43I knew it was a trick
05:47This is bulls**t
05:48No, no, no, no
05:51No
05:51No, I'm afraid we have a bit of a situation here
06:00There's been a terrorist attempt on this Applebee's
06:02And the police have us quarantined
06:04Are we in danger?
06:09I'm afraid so
06:10Oh my god, this is bulls**t
06:12Let's go, James
06:13We gotta go
06:14I'm not taking a thing
06:15Please, calm
06:16Oh my god
06:17Please, calm down
06:18Please, calm down
06:19Please, calm down
06:20I'm trying to calm down
06:21Calm down, calm down
06:23Calm down, calm down
06:25Let's calm it down
06:26Okay
06:32Alright
06:33Everyone
06:34Good
06:39Because everyone
06:40I just need to tell you
06:41That apparently
06:42A noxious gas
06:44Might have been released
06:45Into our ventilation systems
06:47But this may be false alarm
06:49Okay
06:50Everyone around me is dying
07:03This is such bulls**t
07:04I can't tell you
07:05I don't know
07:07Sandra
07:08It's okay
07:09I
07:10You are so pussy and gross
07:27And you're coughing on my best black spandex jersey dress
07:32Oh my god
07:33Oh my god, James
07:34Do you remember when we bought this
07:36And I asked you if my hips look big
07:38And you said no
07:39And I said thank you for lying
07:40Oh my god
07:43Today is turning out to be bulls**t
07:45I don't feel so good
07:50Oh my god
07:52This is bulls**t
07:54I can't take a thing
07:55Oh my god
07:56I don't know
07:57I'm spanking
07:58Oh
07:59The authorities
08:01Thank bulls**t
08:02You're here
08:03Ma'am
08:04I'm afraid you're contaminated
08:06And we have to kill you
08:07Now that's total f*****g bulls**t
08:11Ma'am
08:15Are you scared right now?
08:16Of course I'm scared
08:19I'm scared
08:20And I'm terrified
08:21And I'm lonely
08:22And I'm five pounds overweight
08:24You shouldn't be
08:26Because you're on Scare Tactics
08:28It's a hidden camera show
08:30Like Punk'd
08:30But no one watches it
08:32I don't understand
08:37Please don't kill me
08:38Please
08:39I'm Shannon Doherty
08:41No no no
08:48I'm the host of Scare Tactics
08:50On the Sci-Fi Channel
08:51The Sci-Fi
08:53Is the Sci-Fi even a channel?
08:56And how do you know my name?
08:57And oh my god
08:58Your uneven eyes
08:59Are freaking me out
09:01Oh my god
09:01I can't take it
09:02I can't take it
09:04I can't take it
09:04I can't take it
09:05I can't take it
09:05I can't take it
09:05I can't take it
09:06It's a prank
09:07For a TV show
09:09There is no TV show
09:14Don't you get it?
09:15Nobody would hire
09:17Shannon Doherty
09:18One of her eyes
09:22Is the size
09:23Of a peppercorn
09:24And it's bulls**t
09:28What is that?
09:32That's it for Scare Tactics
09:33Look for me next week
09:34On an even smaller show
09:36On an even smaller network
09:37With an even smaller left eye
09:39I can't believe
09:41This is such bulls**t
09:48Tonight's MADtv is brought to you by
09:54Everybody Loves Raymond
09:55The show you'll be watching
09:57While Fox premieres
09:57My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
09:59And by No-Dose
10:01If you're forced to watch
10:02My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
10:03Try No-Dose
10:04It might keep you up
10:05And by Easy Off
10:07If you're going to stick
10:08Your head in the oven
10:08After watching
10:09My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
10:10Make sure the oven is clean
10:12With Easy Off
10:13And by Pomo of dish soap
10:15You're soaking it
10:16And by
10:17I got no sperm
10:19I don't respect her
10:20What the doctors say
10:21She's one of the most
10:21Respected doctors around
10:22Please or I'll squirm
10:24Celebrity survivor
10:26Honey, don't be nervous
10:38It's easy for you to say
10:39We're trying to have a baby
10:40And all your tests
10:41Came back fine
10:42That means one thing
10:44I got no sperm
10:46Honey, it's impossible
10:49That you have no sperm
10:50Okay?
10:51You probably just have
10:52Rotten sperm
10:53Oh, thank you
10:54Thanks, that sounds good
10:55That's not what I meant
10:56That's not what I meant
10:56Well, you know
10:57Let's just wait to hear
10:57What the doctor says
10:58She's one of the most
10:59Respected doctors around, okay?
11:00Breeze or I'll squirt
11:02Breeze or I'll squirt
11:02Oh, shoot
11:10Darn it
11:13I'm shooting blanks
11:15I'm sorry
11:18That is not the right thing
11:20To say to this room
11:21Hey guys
11:24I'm Dr. Kylie
11:26Jessica Wheeler
11:27And this is my husband Todd
11:28Hi
11:28Todd
11:29Oh my gosh
11:30Todd the bod
11:31Huh?
11:33You work out at my gym
11:35Oh my gosh
11:35You wear those
11:36Little bitty red biker shorts
11:38And the little bitty t-shirt
11:39That says bust a move
11:40Todd, I told you
11:43To get rid of that outfit
11:44Or at least sew up
11:45The hole in the butt
11:46Okay, let's get down to business
11:51Spermatogenesis is a very
11:55Multi-faceted process
11:56And even though the testes
11:58Are responsible for seminal production
12:00The epididymis
12:02And the seminephrine
12:03I'm sorry, I'm sorry
12:04I'm sorry
12:04I'm sorry
12:04I'm sorry
12:04I'm sorry
12:04I'm sorry
12:05I'm sorry
12:05I'm sorry
12:06You lost me
12:06After the second 15-syllable word
12:08That's okay
12:10I was making it up anyway
12:11I'm kidding
12:15I'm kidding
12:16Or am I?
12:20Okay, okay guys
12:22Let's just make this easier
12:23For both of you, okay
12:24And watch a movie
12:25On fertilization
12:26Yeah
12:27Okay, Todd
12:30I want you to have a little seat
12:32Right up front here
12:33Alright, feed in the stirrups, Todd
12:37And put a poster down to it
12:42There you go
12:42Why am I doing this?
12:44Just to see if you would
12:46Psyche!
12:49Payback time!
12:50Yeah!
12:50Jessica!
12:52You're looking so stupid!
12:56Oh, kidding
12:57Now, no movie is complete
13:00Without refreshments
13:02Here you go
13:04That'll be $40
13:06Like, I'm kidding
13:09But really
13:11Movie snacks are so expensive
13:13It's really wrong
13:16Alright, lights
13:18Camera and action
13:21Dude, where's my sperm?
13:27A film by Dr. Kylie
13:29That's me!
13:31Okay, now this is healthy
13:33Regular sperm
13:34See, look at them go
13:36And here's your sperm
13:39Ow!
13:42I'm kidding
13:43I'm kidding
13:44That's piranha
13:46Okay, here's your sperm
13:48Oops, wrong again
13:50That's the waitstaff
13:53At P.F. Chang's
13:54Okay, come on
13:58Okay, here's your sperm
13:59That's just an old photo
14:03Of NSYNC
14:04Exactly
14:06And your sperm
14:07Is just as tired
14:08And there's only five of them
14:09The end
14:14I'm sorry
14:15I'm sorry
14:16I'm sorry
14:16What was the point of that?
14:18Nothing
14:19I got a new Mac
14:20And I wanted to see
14:20If the iMovie worked
14:21I'm kidding
14:24I'm kidding
14:24Hey
14:25No, no, seriously
14:27You need to laugh a little more
14:29Because healthy sperm
14:31Is happy sperm
14:32Just forget it
14:34This is ridiculous
14:35No, no, no
14:35The only thing that is ridiculous
14:37Is your fashion sense
14:39You wear tight little pants
14:42And biker shorts
14:43And I bet you have on tighty-whities
14:44He does
14:45And he also at the beach
14:46Wears Speedos
14:46Ew!
14:47Hey
14:48Hey, hey
14:49I'm part Germany
14:51And they're very comfortable
14:52Well, not only are you grossing everybody out
14:55But too much constriction and heat
14:57Will reduce your sperm count
14:59And Todd, do you smoke?
15:02No, no, actually I never have
15:03Todd?
15:04What about, you know
15:05Oh, I...
15:10That's okay
15:11One time I...
15:21He has a bond collection in our base
15:23All right, okay
15:24Well, cut it out, Snoop Dogg
15:26Because using marijuana
15:27Greatly reduces male fertility
15:30Okay?
15:31And it gives you big old man boobs
15:33Look, it's happening right there
15:36Can you say, hey, little cow?
15:41No, you guys are gonna be just fine
15:45I want you to follow these directions
15:46And just come and see me
15:48In about two months
15:49Haltus cannabis and non-testes constrictus
15:53What does that mean?
15:55That means stop smoking dope
15:57And let your balls hang loose
15:58Bye!
16:01Ow!
16:02Ow, watch out!
16:03You'll get pregnant!
16:05Bye, doctor
16:06Bye, doctor!
16:11We made this immunity challenge so simple
16:15Even the biggest of idiots
16:17Can figure it out
16:18Yay!
16:19Yay!
16:19Oh, my God.
16:49Previously on Celebrity Survivor, the Crouton tribe struggled in the jungle with nothing but the clothes on their backs.
16:59Come on, y'all. I built the shelter, I cut all the wood, and I skedaddled all the snakes away. You all ain't done nothing.
17:08Yes, I have. I've been adorable. Yay!
17:13Man, I can't handle this pressure. Now, quit.
17:16Is this kid gonna get my bags?
17:19And strange bedfellows made curious alliances.
17:23Oh, someone's getting a little frisky.
17:27Sorry, my hands were cold.
17:29I didn't want to start.
17:32Quit.
17:32And Dr. Phil exposed his new strategy.
17:38Tremails arrived, everybody.
17:42Hey, Doc. You mind covering up?
17:44Why? Am I sucking you out?
17:46Dangaloo's are cute and scrunchy, like my nose.
17:52Dr. Phil thinks we have an alliance, but tonight, he's gone.
17:59Just call me Meggie Fairplay.
18:02Yay!
18:02But in a surprising tribal council, Jack Nicholson was sent packing.
18:09The driver spoke.
18:12Bite me, you m******.
18:14And now, Celebrity Survivor continues with day 26.
18:20Okay, Celebrity Survivors and Connie Chung.
18:25Today's immunity challenge is all about stamina.
18:28Hey, man, I quit.
18:29See you, beauty.
18:33I'm used to immunity challenges.
18:35I banged half a Thailand in the 70s.
18:37Connie.
18:38Please.
18:39Maybe later if there's time.
18:48Hi.
18:49Well, since none of you have been able to solve any of our puzzles
18:51or complete any of our physical tasks,
18:54we made this immunity challenge so simple
18:56even the biggest of idiots can figure it out.
18:58Yay!
19:02All you have to do is stand on a log.
19:04The person who stays on their log the longest wins immunity.
19:08Super!
19:09I can balance on a hard log all day.
19:12And don't need anything into that.
19:15Hey, Probst!
19:16My eyes are up here!
19:19All right.
19:20Let's go.
19:20Let's get this going.
19:21I got a 4 o'clock seaweed wrap, guys.
19:23Come on.
19:23To your logs.
19:24Let's go.
19:25Here we go.
19:26Survivors ready.
19:27Go.
19:28Oh, I'm exhausted.
19:34Garrett.
19:35Chung.
19:36You're out.
19:37Out of what?
19:38The game.
19:39What game?
19:41You know, there are rats and there are snakes on this island.
19:44You, Connie, are just an idiot.
19:46Flirt.
19:47I guess I socked them out with my lumpy milkshake.
19:54Hey, remember our plan.
19:56If I step off the log, you're going to take me to the finals, right?
19:59Right.
20:00Megan Clay all the way.
20:02Girl power.
20:03Yay!
20:03Sucker.
20:04Hey.
20:07Sucker.
20:08Play's out.
20:10No, I'm not.
20:11I just haven't found the right girl yet.
20:13No.
20:14Out of the game.
20:15You know, never mind.
20:16Well, I guess it's just me and you, Dr. Philly Cheesecake.
20:21Boop.
20:22You touch that nipple again and I'm going to knock you off your log with mine.
20:26Oh, look.
20:30There's a collagen bush.
20:31Where?
20:32Oh.
20:35Hooray.
20:36I win.
20:37Woo.
20:40Like my daddy used to always say, women are stupid.
20:45Am I right or am I right?
20:47Dr. Philly, you do win immunity.
20:49Yeah.
20:50Could you get down off the log, Philly?
20:52Mom, what's the matter, probes?
20:54Are you a little psyched out?
20:56By my anaconda.
20:59You know what?
21:00I'll see you at the bar at Club Med.
21:02Bye, Mom.
21:04Woo!
21:09All right, then.
21:10It is time to vote.
21:12I don't know.
21:13It's so hard.
21:14I just love everyone.
21:15Welcome to Tribal Council.
21:32Let's bring in the celebrity jury.
21:34Well, Tribal Council is not a place you want to be, and it's damn sure not a place I want to be.
21:53You celebrities are the worst survivors ever.
21:56Is that good?
22:00You haven't found your water supply.
22:02You never made fire.
22:03You couldn't even open the box of crackers we airlifted to you.
22:09Has any of you done anything?
22:10I quit eight times, huh?
22:15I psyched everybody out with my big, hairy baby makers.
22:22I peed on Jack Nicholson's leg when he got stung by a jellyfish.
22:26A jellyfish.
22:29Meg, we're in a jungle.
22:31Thanks anyway, cupcake.
22:37Connie, let me ask you a question.
22:39How in the world has a moron like you lasted this long in the game?
22:43I try to be a person that anyone can come to when they need support.
22:47Or janital warts.
22:50Sorry, I thought those were bug bites.
22:52Maury, they're back!
22:53Edna, any regrets to, uh, wearing the scouting uniform since clearly you don't know anything about the outdoors?
23:04No, no.
23:07Edna does regret wearing a leather thong, though.
23:11The humidity has made it shrink right up.
23:15Now Edna's got a horrible wedgie in her hoo-hoo.
23:19Ah, ah, ah, ah.
23:25Ah!
23:29That's a nice image.
23:32Clay, who do you want to see voted out tonight?
23:36Well, personally, I'd like to see Meg Ryan scoot.
23:39Because she's my biggest threat, because she's almost as cute as I am.
23:42Clay Aiken, there is no way you can match my
23:47lovability-ness-ess.
24:00Ladies.
24:03Please.
24:05We all know who's the prettiest.
24:13Dr. Phil, you're wearing the immunity necklace.
24:16Do you want to give it to someone else?
24:18Are you kidding, Probst?
24:20We got a saying back where I come from in Pumpkin Nuts, Texas.
24:25Fox in the chicken coop is better than half a turnip on a dung sandwich.
24:32Got no idea what that means.
24:35All right, then.
24:36It is time to vote.
24:42I quit.
24:52I miss my bitches.
24:57Hmm.
24:58What would Jace do?
25:03Sorry, Magal.
25:04Ah, I'm exhausted.
25:16I vote for Tootie.
25:21Because Blair was always my favorite.
25:23Ah, ah, ah, ah.
25:25I'm voting for Probst.
25:41There's only room for one f*** in this headhouse.
25:44Oh, I don't know.
25:54It's so hard.
25:55I just love everyone.
26:01Well, just give me the damn bucket already.
26:04But I haven't voted.
26:06You know what, Connie?
26:07If anybody wanted your opinion, you'd still be on television.
26:10Oh!
26:11Good point.
26:12All right, uh, fire represents life.
26:16Yada, yada, yada.
26:17I'm late for my pedicure.
26:18Let's read the votes.
26:20First vote.
26:22A smiley face.
26:25I did that one.
26:26Yay!
26:30Yo, what's happening?
26:31Well, clearly, you guys have done it.
26:33Your stupidity has angered the gods of Thousand Island,
26:37and now you've awoken the volcano.
26:39Here, I'm out of here.
26:40Get the limo fired up, guys.
26:41Let's go.
26:42Quick, everyone, to the Hidden Valley Ranch.
26:45Ah!
26:47I'm scared.
26:49Food with me, 50.
26:50Ah!
26:50Ah!
26:52Ah!
26:52Ah!
26:54Ah!
26:54Ah!
26:56Celebrity Survivor will no longer be seen at this time.
26:59Join us next week for the premiere of CSI Sheboygan.
27:02Court TV is a simple life with our own courtroom darlings, Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson.
27:11We're so guilty of fun.
27:12We're so guilty of fun.
27:18In three, two, one.
27:20Hi, I'm Angela Wright, eighth grader at Bowie Junior High School, and this is my social studies project on discrimination entitled, All Old People Are Racist.
27:28This is my best friend, Beth.
27:31She is black.
27:33Behind us is an old woman.
27:35She is white.
27:37Beth is merely going to walk over and sit on the bench, watch as the old woman grabs her purse and clutches it to her chest, fearfully looking at Beth suspiciously and perpetuating a legacy of hate that flags America.
27:50I will narrate this heinous event while my brother Billy video records.
27:56Billy!
27:58If you're going to do stuff like that, then give me my dollar back and I'll just go get the tripod.
28:02Sorry.
28:04Beth, hurry.
28:06Be prepared to meet the monster that is prejudiced.
28:08Go.
28:11Even if she approaches, the old woman's heart begins to race.
28:14You can tell.
28:15She's going to go for her purse.
28:17Just move.
28:18Move right closer, Beth.
28:19You can scoot closer to her.
28:20You got to get closer.
28:22Get closer to her.
28:23Get close.
28:25Right.
28:26She's going to go for her purse.
28:27I can see.
28:34She didn't do anything.
28:35I know.
28:35I know.
28:36I don't understand.
28:36Her purse is right there.
28:38It's like she didn't even notice you were black.
28:40Maybe she's blind.
28:42I bet she is.
28:43I bet she is.
28:43Okay.
28:43Billy, cut.
28:49Beth, you have to sit really close to her and do this.
28:57Like they're going to snatch her purse.
28:59No, Angela, I don't want to.
29:00Please, Beth, just do it.
29:02No.
29:03Beth, come on.
29:04This is due tomorrow.
29:05And you owe me, Beth.
29:07I'll let you practice making hickeys all over my arm.
29:10Okay.
29:13Okay, go.
29:14Go, go, go, go, go.
29:19Okay, she's fearful.
29:20I can tell she's going to grab her purse.
29:23I don't know what it is, lady.
29:24But make some flash gang signs at her.
29:29I don't want any gang signs.
29:30That's true.
29:31That's true.
29:32That's true.
29:33You know what?
29:34Maybe she's not racist.
29:36What is that?
29:37I don't understand this.
29:39Okay, okay, I got a new plan.
29:41Billy, cut.
29:41Cut, Billy.
29:42Okay, you guys, listen up.
29:44Listen.
29:44Beth, I want you to go back and sit next to her again.
29:47Go on.
29:47Go back.
29:48Now, Billy, listen.
29:50I want you to point at Beth and say,
29:52there's the girl who stole my book bag.
29:54Okay?
29:56Okay, go.
29:57Yes.
29:59This is going to work.
30:00There's a girl who stole my book bag.
30:03Yeah, I did.
30:04Yes!
30:05She grabbed it.
30:05She grabbed it.
30:06Now we're cooking with smoke.
30:07Here we go.
30:09Run.
30:11What are you doing?
30:12Stop talking to her.
30:13What are you doing?
30:14Stop talking to her.
30:16No laughing.
30:17Come back.
30:18Come back.
30:20Come.
30:22Hurry.
30:23Take the camera.
30:24Take the camera.
30:25Look, she gave me a camera.
30:26What are you doing?
30:29She obviously cannot even tell that you are black.
30:32And to be honest, I'm beginning to wonder myself.
30:35I am black.
30:36I am.
30:37You know, you say that you're black.
30:39But you don't project the essence of someone whose people have suffered great atrocity.
30:43You project the essence of someone who goes to private school and has a pool in her backyard.
30:47Um, hello.
30:48That's because I do.
30:49Well, you're the only African-American I know.
30:52So pump up the black-itude.
30:55I mean, go, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
30:59Shut up, man.
31:00Bling.
31:01Let's go out to all the babies' mama.
31:03You know what?
31:03That is so stupid.
31:04You know what?
31:05Angela, you're racist.
31:06Me?
31:07Yeah.
31:08Yeah.
31:08No.
31:08And you know what?
31:10This whole, the whole social studies project is racist.
31:12It is.
31:13Yeah, it is all racist.
31:16I cannot be racist.
31:17My best friend is black.
31:19Hello?
31:19If you two knew the rules of racism, then you would know that.
31:23You know, Billy, let's go.
31:24No, Beth.
31:24Okay, Beth.
31:25I'm sorry.
31:26I'm sorry.
31:27All right, I'm sorry.
31:29Listen, don't go.
31:30Listen, you can't leave.
31:32People are going to think you're lovers and they're going to beat you up.
31:36Wait.
31:37Come back, Beth.
31:39Billy?
31:44Before I take any of your questions, I just want to say, uh, we played our hearts out
31:48there today.
31:49You know, uh, did everything we could.
31:52It's a tough loss for this ball club.
31:54We fought hard till the end, but we lost.
31:56And you know what?
31:57That's football.
31:58So, uh, it was a close game, and I think the score shows that.
32:02Yeah.
32:02Coach, the score was 93 to nothing.
32:05That's a record for points allowed.
32:09Do you want to comment on that?
32:10Points mean nothing to me, you know?
32:12All I care about is putting one in the win column, you know?
32:15If we can win without scoring any points, okay, good game, fine, you know?
32:19And if not, hey, whatever.
32:21Yeah.
32:21Yeah, uh, Coach, how do you respond to the critics that call you a loser?
32:24I say, uh, I just say look at my record as head coach and shut the hell up.
32:29Yeah.
32:30Your record is zero in 138.
32:34There you go.
32:35Yeah.
32:35Uh, uh, today marks the 53rd consecutive shutout by 80 points or more.
32:40Is there anything it would have done differently?
32:41Not a thing.
32:42No.
32:42No.
32:43You stick to the game plan.
32:44You don't change it in the middle of the game just because you're down 40 or 50 points.
32:48Yeah, Coach, can you explain why in the second quarter you had Greg Graziano attempt a 98-yard
32:54field goal?
32:55Yeah.
32:56Simple.
32:57I thought he could make it.
32:59Well, has he ever made one before?
33:00Not to my knowledge.
33:02Isn't Greg Graziano your offensive coach?
33:04He is.
33:06Why didn't you ask the kicker to try?
33:08I couldn't find him.
33:09Yes?
33:10Yeah, uh, Coach, in the second quarter you set your defense on the field with only three
33:14players.
33:15What happened there?
33:15That was a trick play.
33:16We were supposed to surprise him.
33:18Didn't work out.
33:19Yeah.
33:20Uh, how are those three linemen doing?
33:22I can't comment until I've notified their families.
33:24Yes.
33:25What did you say to the team at halftime?
33:28I was actually not there.
33:29I had to run out and feed the meter.
33:30I don't want a parking ticket.
33:32I don't want a parking ticket.
33:34Yeah.
33:35Coach, in the third quarter when your quarterback Jake Mack bit you in the nuts, what effect did
33:41that have on your team?
33:42Uh, it hurt.
33:43It hurt like hell.
33:45That's football.
33:46Jake's, you know, he's a great quarterback, but he's one guy.
33:48Yeah.
33:48Did you think about taking Jake out of the game when he gave the ball to the other team
33:52and started blocking his own teammates?
33:54No, no, no.
33:55You don't pull a guy out of the game just because he's trying to help the other team win.
33:59Yes.
33:59Yeah.
33:59Coach, why in the middle of the third quarter did the team head to the locker room?
34:03I don't know what happened there.
34:04Someone said they heard something about the game being over.
34:07Everyone started running towards the locker room.
34:09It seemed like fun.
34:10Yeah.
34:10Okay.
34:11Yeah, but why aren't you wearing any pants?
34:14Because my pants scritch-scratch when I walk, okay?
34:16That's why.
34:17See?
34:18No scratching.
34:19No scratching.
34:20Jesus.
34:22It had nothing to do with your nuts being swollen?
34:24No.
34:24They're cauterized right now, and I'm covered in gauze.
34:28Yes.
34:28Yeah.
34:29Coach, is it true you're planning to marry your pet ferret?
34:32Pending a court appeal, me and Queezle will be married by the end of the season.
34:35Yes.
34:37Coach, when is the last time you had a psychological evaluation?
34:40Two weeks ago, I was examined by the team Potato.
34:43All my tests came back negative.
34:45Yes.
34:46What would it take to get you to step down as head coach?
34:48You'd have to kill me.
34:50Coach, can we do that?
34:51Yeah, sure.
34:52You can try.
34:53Oh, God!
34:54Oh!
34:54You think he's dead?
34:59Maybe we should call the team doctor.
35:01Okay, okay.
35:02Step back.
35:02Step back, everybody.
35:03Step back.
35:06Oh, yeah, he's dead.
35:08Stick a fork in him.
35:09He's done.
35:11What?
35:13That's potato doctor humor, you losers.
35:16I'm off to the golf links.
35:17Yeah.
35:24I'm off to the golf links.
35:25I'm off to the golf links.
35:26I'm off to the golf links.
35:26I'm off to the golf links.
35:27I'm off to the golf links.
35:27I'm off to the golf links.
35:28I'm off to the golf links.
35:28I'm off to the golf links.
35:29I'm off to the golf links.
35:29I'm off to the golf links.
35:30I'm off to the golf links.
35:30I'm off to the golf links.
35:31I'm off to the golf links.
35:32I'm off to the golf links.
35:33I'm off to the golf links.
35:34I'm off to the golf links.
35:35I'm off to the golf links.
35:36I'm off to the golf links.
35:37I'm off to the golf links.
35:38I'm off to the golf links.
35:39I'm off to the golf links.
35:40I'm off to the golf links.
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