00:00This is why an emotionally immature man won't repair,
00:03no matter how much you love him or how hard you're trying.
00:06If you're always asking yourself, why can't he do this?
00:09Why can't we get past these problems?
00:11Why can't we just make up and move forward?
00:14This is why, because repair requires things
00:17that an emotionally immature man
00:19doesn't have the capacity to do.
00:21And these are what he can't do.
00:23Number one, repair requires accountability.
00:26Can he say, I contributed to this in some way?
00:29An emotionally immature man can't do that
00:32because admitting fault feels threatening to his ego.
00:35So for you, it feels like everything
00:37somehow becomes your fault.
00:39Number two, repair requires emotional regulation.
00:43Repair means staying present when emotions get uncomfortable.
00:46So if guilt or shame or criticism overwhelms him
00:50and he doesn't know what to do with those feelings,
00:52he's gonna become defensive instead of staying connected
00:56and you start walking on eggshells to avoid his reactions.
01:00Number three, repair requires curiosity.
01:03Repair begins with understanding your partner's experience.
01:07But if he's focused on protecting himself and his ego,
01:10he's not gonna be able to stay curious
01:13about what you're going through.
01:14So for you, it feels like you're talking to someone
01:18who's listening just long enough to like defend himself
01:21instead of trying to understand you.
01:23Number four, repair requires discomfort.
01:26Real repair means that he has to face guilt
01:29and change his behavior and do things differently.
01:33If he avoids discomfort, he's gonna avoid real change.
01:36So for you, it feels like every apology gives you hope
01:40until the exact same thing happens again.
01:43Number five, repair requires growth.
01:45Repair means believing I have something to learn,
01:48I have something to improve.
01:49So if feedback feels like failure to him,
01:52he's gonna protect his self-image instead of growing
01:55and you get exhausted having the same conversations
01:58over and over and over again.
02:01He may genuinely love you,
02:03but love and emotional capacity aren't the same thing.
02:06He can love you, but still not have the skills
02:09and the self-awareness or the willingness
02:11to repair the relationship.
02:13How much he loves you, it can motivate him to repair,
02:16but love doesn't create emotional capacity.
02:19His fear and his shame and his ego and his insecurity
02:23are battles that he has to choose to face
02:25and you can't do that work for him
02:27no matter how much you love him
02:28and no matter how much you believe in him.
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