- 2 months ago
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00:03BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in...
00:08Hancock's half hour.
00:27Well?
00:28We don't know yet, sir.
00:29Oh, really, this is most exasperating.
00:31They're doing all we can, sir.
00:33Well, you should know what's wrong with it by now.
00:35You've been here five minutes.
00:36It's very difficult to say, sir.
00:38Have you been kicking it?
00:40Well, of course I've been kicking it.
00:42How else do you think I'd change the channels over?
00:46One kick BBC, nine kicks ITA.
00:49I changed over six times last night.
00:51I've got toes like globe artichokes here.
00:55The glab of my television kicking boots come back from the Mendes.
00:59Oh, that's it then.
01:00Kick in it.
01:01The television is a very highly sensitive piece of electronic equipment.
01:04Yes, well, I quite appreciate that.
01:06Well, you wouldn't try and get the egg stains off a Wedgwood plate with a hammer and chisel, would you?
01:10Oh, no.
01:10Well, have you located anything yet, Gascoigne?
01:16Yes, I think so.
01:17Oh, well done, Gascoigne.
01:19Good lad, hurry up.
01:19Popeye's on in a minute.
01:20Don't rush the man, sir.
01:22We would achieve much more if you'd retire to the ante room and stop interfering.
01:26Shaker and Arson Job.
01:29Oh, this is ridiculous.
01:31You've had plenty of time to mend it right now.
01:32You're supposed to be engineers.
01:33It's very difficult, sir.
01:34We've not had much experience of these 1936 models.
01:39They're exactly the same as the new ones.
01:40They've got wires and valves and knobs and things.
01:42You've just got to sort them out, that's all.
01:44Now, come on, hurry up.
01:45I haven't missed a night's television since 1936 and I don't intend to start now.
01:49You mean you watch it every night?
01:52Of course.
01:52Every programme?
01:53Certainly.
01:54What's the good of having a television set if you don't watch it?
01:57Now, come on, hurry up.
01:57They'll be starting soon.
01:58Five o'clock, the old BBC badge will be on there.
02:00And that funny-looking bird with the funny air-do will be telling us what's coming on.
02:04Well, I can't help that.
02:05Nothing we can do here.
02:06We'll have to take it with us.
02:07Tell you what, we'll send you another one round in the morning.
02:09You can have that one till this is mended.
02:11Well, what about tonight?
02:12I mean, what am I going to watch tonight?
02:13Well, you can do without it for one night, can't you?
02:16Well, of course I can't.
02:18Dotto's on tonight at 7.30.
02:20You can't seriously expect me to miss that, why it's the highlight of the week.
02:23They're halfway through a picture.
02:25Personally, I think it's Kitchener.
02:27As soon as they hold his moustache up to his ear-hole, I've got him.
02:30Well, it won't be a thing on this set, mate.
02:32Come on, Vernon.
02:33No, please don't take it away.
02:34You can't leave me alone, please.
02:35You can't take the mitelly away, please.
02:37Please, have pity on me.
02:38What's the point of having it here if it don't work?
02:41Well, it's company for me.
02:43Please, leave it here.
02:43I couldn't have a whole evening without mitelly.
02:46Well, all right then.
02:47All right.
02:48Good, lads.
02:48Now, come round tomorrow with the spare parts and fix it up.
02:51And then tomorrow evening it'll be all right.
02:52Well, we'll have a go, sir.
02:53Good, lads.
02:54Good night.
02:54Good night.
03:00A moment of truth.
03:04One whole night without television.
03:07It's enough to break the strongest of men.
03:10I shall go mad.
03:11I know I shall go mad.
03:16Or find me in the morning with white air screaming a place down.
03:21I must pull myself together.
03:22I must pull myself together.
03:23I'll be brave.
03:23I'll be brave.
03:24I'll be brave.
03:29I'll be brave.
03:30It'll do without television.
03:32It hasn't got you like it's got most of them.
03:36It's a drug, though.
03:37I've got to get the monkey off me back.
03:41But you can do without it.
03:42You can take it or leave it.
03:43Well, of course I can.
03:45I'm glad it's broken.
03:47An idiot's lantern, that's all it is.
03:51It's not as if the programs are any good.
03:54It's all a load of rubbish.
03:56It'll do me good not to look at it.
03:57I can concentrate on better things.
03:59I think I'll become an intellectual.
04:01I might as well.
04:03How people can sit and watch the thing night after night, I do not know.
04:08Lack of intellect, that's what it is.
04:11No strength of character.
04:13Making us into a nation of morons.
04:15I saw a glimmer.
04:16It's working.
04:16I saw a glimmer.
04:17I saw it.
04:18I know I did.
04:18Come on.
04:19Come on, work, work.
04:20Just for ten minutes, five minutes, everything.
04:21Just as long as I can see one program.
04:23Come on, work, work.
04:24Look, I know you're working.
04:27You can't fool me, because I saw you.
04:30You glimmered.
04:31I saw you glimmer.
04:32Now, come on, work, work.
04:34All right, things don't work.
04:36I don't care.
04:38I don't care if you never work again.
04:41I can do without you.
04:44I could not be less interested.
04:47I'll have the radio on.
04:55I've forgotten how it works.
05:02I know.
05:04I'll do me jigsaw.
05:07Yes.
05:08Now then.
05:10Piece of sky with the top of a man's head.
05:14Or is it the sea with a bit of his boot?
05:19See, I don't need television.
05:22Jigsaw puzzles are much more artistic.
05:26Look at this beauty here, though.
05:28Look at it, eh?
05:29A Spanish galleon.
05:30I'll do that again.
05:31A Spanish galleon in full sail.
05:33Look at that.
05:35Isn't that marvelous?
05:36Long John Silver.
05:38Long John Silver.
05:39He's on now, and I've never missed a program of his book.
05:44I know what I'll do.
05:46I'll visualize it.
05:47Yes.
05:49I'll sit here and pretend it's on.
05:52You can always guess what's going on in these things.
05:54They're always the same.
05:57That's more like it.
05:58Let's see now.
05:59He's been on for ten minutes.
06:01Now, what would he be doing now?
06:03Yes, he'd be on the poop deck waving his crotch, yes.
06:07Yes, there he is.
06:08There he is.
06:09I can see him.
06:09He's on funny now.
06:11A vast pair of me, that it is.
06:17We'll be in Portobello on the noontide.
06:23Where's young Jim?
06:25Oh, he's a marvelous lad.
06:28How low are the Spaniards, then?
06:30Three of them, eh?
06:32By heavens, they are low in the water.
06:34There's some treasure there, matey.
06:36Old John will have that lot.
06:38Oh, there'll be some drinking and cavorting at Mr. Spuridus tonight.
06:42He's on to him.
06:42He's seen him.
06:43Ha, ha.
06:43Ah, I'll have that big one there.
06:47Fire a broadside across her bed.
06:50Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen.
06:52Oh, never mind.
06:53Prepare to board the Spaniard.
06:55Get the grasslingers out.
06:57Get below, young Jim.
06:58Ah, we'll have our pockets lined with dough by tonight.
07:01Ha, ha.
07:02A vast there, me Hatties.
07:03Ha, ha.
07:12No, no, no, no, no, don't switch off.
07:14You carry on.
07:17No, it's all right.
07:18I was only...
07:18Good program, is it?
07:20Well, I was only pretending.
07:21You know how it is.
07:22The set's gone wrong and I was lonely
07:23and you know how much I liked Long John Silver.
07:25Yeah.
07:26What are you going to have on next day?
07:28I don't know, really.
07:29I don't have any much...
07:29Are you taking the mickey?
07:32Well, let's face it.
07:33It's a bit unnerving to walk in here.
07:34See a bloke sitting in front of a black screen
07:36going, ah, ah, ah, me, ah.
07:38What's the matter with you?
07:39I've told you, the television set's broken.
07:41So what?
07:42Well, I've never been without one before.
07:43I've had one ever since it started.
07:45I...
07:45I don't know what to do with myself.
07:47Your set's broken, Dan.
07:48You don't know what to do with yourself?
07:49No.
07:49Why don't you read a book?
07:51I sold all the books to buy the television set.
07:54What about a newspaper, then?
07:55What do I want to buy a newspaper for?
07:57I've got the Radio Times.
07:58I know what's on.
08:00There are other things in newspapers, boy.
08:02Not that interest me.
08:04Well, I don't want to know about television.
08:07It's killing the fine art of conversation.
08:09Oh, I see.
08:10We've got the cream of philosophical chat here.
08:16Sid Socrates invites you.
08:19What do you know about the fine art of conversation?
08:21Horses, dogs and women, that's your lot.
08:24It must be a lot better than sitting up all night watching a box.
08:28Conversation is the highest mental achievement that man can aspire to, boy.
08:32It stimulates the mind, makes the old brain jump about.
08:34You've got to brain use it.
08:36Think.
08:37Discuss things.
08:37Don't have your thinking done for you.
08:39Now that that is broken, you've got a wonderful chance to break free of the terrible grip it's got on
08:43you.
08:44Well, you're quite right.
08:46I've been a fool to myself.
08:48Very well, then we will converse.
08:49Now that's more sensible.
08:50Right.
08:51Well, Rex.
08:54Right.
08:55Talk.
08:56Talk.
09:12What should we talk about?
09:14I don't mind.
09:24Thought of anything?
09:26No.
09:28What are you interested in, then?
09:30Television.
09:30We're not talking about that.
09:43A bit warmer today, isn't it?
09:45Hmm?
09:45Oh, yes, my word, yes.
09:46Oh, my job, yes.
09:48Yes, it's warmer, all right.
09:49You can say that.
09:50It's definitely warmer.
09:52Yes, I'd say quite appreciably warmer today.
09:54Hmm, hmm, hmm.
09:55Hmm.
09:58Yes, definitely.
10:00Tell me, how do you reckon Matsu and Quimoi?
10:03Very good.
10:06Who are?
10:06Matsu and Quimoi.
10:08They're Charlie Chan's sons, aren't they?
10:13Yeah, number two and number three son, yes.
10:16Marvellous programme.
10:16That's the way he comes out of the fog.
10:17He never gets lost.
10:18Always knows where he's going.
10:19I can't help but admire it.
10:21It's got nothing to do with television.
10:23Matsu and Quimoi are two islands off the Chinese mainland.
10:26Oh, them.
10:27Oh, yes.
10:28Well, I reckon they ought to let them have them.
10:31They do have them.
10:34Whoever wants them.
10:35But they both want them.
10:37Well, there you are then.
10:39One each.
10:42Yeah.
10:45They ought to give them away on an American TV quiz show.
10:48That's the best way out of that.
10:50Yeah, I suppose so.
10:54I like your socks.
10:55Not bad, aren't they?
10:57Nylon, aren't they?
10:58Yeah.
11:03Oh, look!
11:04What?
11:04That damp stain on the ceiling there.
11:06Been there for years.
11:07No, no, no.
11:07But look, look.
11:08Come on.
11:08Look, look.
11:09Just like Hitler.
11:10See?
11:11Where?
11:11Look, there he is.
11:12You can see his moustache.
11:13Now, cut your head round here.
11:14See?
11:15See?
11:15Can you see him now?
11:16No.
11:17Yes, of course you can.
11:17There's his ear.
11:18Look.
11:19No, it looks just like a damp stain to me.
11:21You're an idiot.
11:28I brought him down a Chilling Cross Road.
11:31What?
11:31The socks.
11:37Oh, yes, it's him, all right.
11:38It's Hitler, yes.
11:40No, it isn't.
11:40It's changed.
11:41Isn't that hard?
11:42No, it's more like Gandhi now.
11:45How much?
11:47What?
11:48The sock.
11:50Half a dollar.
11:51Oh.
12:00Are you sure it's not working?
12:01Let's try it again.
12:07Wait a minute.
12:08What?
12:09Shh, listen.
12:10What is it?
12:11Television set.
12:14I can't hear anything.
12:15Well, of course you can't.
12:16Your ear's not attuned to it like mine.
12:18Yes, it's a children's programme.
12:19I can hear the screams.
12:22I've got to watch it, sir.
12:22I've got to watch it.
12:23All right, let's find out where it's coming.
12:24Yes, will it?
12:25No.
12:25No.
12:28I've got it.
12:28It's here.
12:29It's next door.
12:29Right.
12:45Well, what can you see?
12:47A plastic war bracket.
12:50And four miserable-looking bullocks standing in the mud in East Lothian.
12:55No, no, no, no.
12:56Robin Hood's on.
12:57Oh, what's he doing?
12:58Hello, the sheriff's men have got him.
12:59Go on, hit him.
13:00Look out, Robin.
13:01There's a soldier behind you.
13:01Look out.
13:02Look out.
13:02He's down.
13:02He's down.
13:02Oh, that Robin, he's a fool.
13:05Oh, dear.
13:06End of part one.
13:09Hello.
13:10The monkeys are on.
13:13They're a rare bunch of comics.
13:15They are.
13:15They have me off every time.
13:18They've turned it off.
13:19They've turned it off.
13:20What about part two, then?
13:22They're going out.
13:23They're going out.
13:24Come back.
13:26How's he going out when your television set's working?
13:29Philistines!
13:31Let's have another conversation.
13:33Now I want to watch television.
13:35Wait a minute.
13:36Now what?
13:37I can hear it again.
13:38Yes, it's down here.
13:40In the flat below.
13:41Now, they always have theirs on.
13:42They never go out.
13:43Let's see now.
13:44I reckon my 12 paces viewing distance away would be approximately...
13:51Bring the drilling angle to approximately that.
13:54Wait a minute.
13:55You can't go drilling holes in people's ceilings.
13:57It's my flaw.
13:58Only halfway, then their ceiling starts.
14:02I want to watch the programme.
14:03Oh, that's ridiculous.
14:04If you want to watch it, why don't you go down and ask them?
14:06Well, they don't like me.
14:07I owe them half a loaf of bread.
14:08So give them the bread back.
14:10I've eaten it.
14:12And no peace.
14:13What a marvellous idea.
14:41Mr. Begg.
14:41Oh, it's you.
14:42I brought your bread back.
14:43What bread?
14:43The bit I borrowed from my birthday party last year.
14:46Thanks very much.
14:47I see you've got the television on, then.
14:48Yes, any objections?
14:49No, no, I love it.
14:50I can't do without it myself.
14:51Yes, well...
14:52Mine's broken, you know.
14:52What a pity.
14:53Well, if you'll excuse me.
14:54What sort of make is that set, actually?
14:55An Enzo.
14:56Good night.
14:57Oh, a very good set, the Enzo.
14:58Could I please see the picture?
14:59You can't.
14:59I've got company.
15:00Oh, well, the more the merrier, I owe, sir.
15:01Do you mind?
15:06What programme have you got on?
15:07Robin Hood.
15:07Now, will you please go away?
15:09What's happening?
15:09Has he got away from the sheriff's men yet?
15:11No.
15:11Maid Mal has ridden into the forest to round up the merry men.
15:14Do you hope he gets away, don't you?
15:16Yes.
15:17I wish you'd get away.
15:18I only want to watch your television.
15:20Well, you can't.
15:20Who is it, dear?
15:21It's upstairs.
15:23Well, get rid of him.
15:23I'm trying to.
15:25Will you kindly leave?
15:26Well, come along now.
15:27I only want to watch for a little while.
15:28Just the adverts come up now.
15:30Get out!
15:33Very uncouth.
15:34I thought the rent act might get him out, but he's still there.
15:37Only wanted to come in to watch our television.
15:40Charming.
15:41What's happened?
15:41How's Robin getting on?
15:43His merry men are just going to rescue him.
15:45Oh, I am glad.
15:46Such a nice-looking boy.
16:00Very good.
16:01I'm enjoying it very much.
16:03Can you turn the brightness control up a bit?
16:05It'll be fairer to us all if you turn the set on its side, actually.
16:07How dare you!
16:10All right, see him all the way.
16:11I'm coming up.
16:41All right, see him all the way.
16:50Matt Dillon's on now.
16:5320 to 8.
16:55He'll just be sitting outside the Dodge house.
16:57Oh, will you stop pacing up and down?
16:59I can't help it.
17:00There's a killer in town who's faster on the door than he is.
17:02Faster than Matt Dillon?
17:03Yes.
17:03Pecos Jim.
17:05Like Grease Lightning he is.
17:06I saw him on a trailer last night.
17:07Oh, he was fast.
17:09Big fella.
17:10Mean-looking eyes.
17:11All dressed in black.
17:12Half his ears shot away.
17:13Nice-looking boy.
17:16Leading up against the bar.
17:17He said,
17:18Stay out of this, Miss Kitty.
17:19This is between the Marshal and me.
17:22And old Matt says,
17:24I'm running you out of Dodge, Pecos.
17:26I'm giving you 20 minutes to get out of town.
17:30And Pecos says,
17:32I'm going to get you, sir.
17:34You're going to have the most uncomfortable 24 hours you ever did have.
17:36We're going to go to know where it's coming from or how it's coming or where it's coming.
17:39But you can bet your 10 star, Marshall, it's coming.
17:45Then a voice shouted in and said,
17:46Watch tomorrow night and see what happens.
17:48And I can't even watch.
17:49The most desperate crisis in the whole of Matt Dillon's career and I'm not there to help him.
17:52See him.
17:53You don't think they'll kill him?
17:54No, no, no, no, no.
17:55Funny I could be sure.
17:57Awful waiting and not knowing.
18:01Uncle Fred and Auntie Edie.
18:03Eh?
18:04Uncle Fred and Auntie Edie.
18:06Round the corner in Elmett Road.
18:08They've just bought a set.
18:09They're addicts.
18:10They're bound to have it on.
18:11I'm off.
18:29Come in.
18:31Anthony, this is a surprise.
18:34Well, come on in.
18:35Anthony, how nice to see you after all this long time.
18:40Well, well, well.
18:41Fancy seeing you.
18:42I haven't been around here for years.
18:43How are you?
18:44Very well.
18:45Thought you'd forgotten all about your Uncle Fred and your Aunt Edie.
18:47No, no.
18:48I was thinking of you.
18:48Never had to be right.
18:49Fancy coming around here to see us?
18:51Yes.
18:52Well, let's turn this off anyway.
18:53No, no, no.
18:54Put it on.
18:55Oh, wouldn't dream of having it on when we got company.
18:57Yes, but I...
18:58No, no, no, no.
18:58We always make a point of switching the telly off when we have visitors.
19:01It's very rude to keep it on.
19:03But I want it on.
19:04He's only been polite, Fred.
19:06Switch it off.
19:06Well, of course.
19:08I know how aggravating it is when you go around to see somebody and they keep the telly on.
19:12It's very rude.
19:13Spores the whole evening.
19:14Kills all conversation.
19:15If they wanted to watch the telly, they'd stay at home and watch their own, I always say.
19:18That's what I'm trying to tell you, sir.
19:19No, not another word.
19:22Edie, put the kettle on.
19:23We'll make an evening of this.
19:24Well, how are you, lad?
19:26Edie, haven't seen you for eight years.
19:27How are you, gentlemen?
19:29Very well.
19:30Goodbye.
19:31Goodbye.
19:32But, Angeline, we've a million questions to ask you.
19:35Yes, I'm sure you have.
19:36Well, I must be going.
19:36Goodbye.
19:36But you've only just got here, sir.
19:38And he dropped in to say hello.
19:39Goodbye.
19:55Angeline!
20:03Any luck?
20:05Here, here.
20:06What's one?
20:06Where?
20:07Number 33, top floor.
20:08Oh, yeah.
20:10Oh, yes, I've got it.
20:11I've got it, yes.
20:11Through the curtains there.
20:13They've got the weather forecast on.
20:15Hello.
20:16Fog coming up in South East England.
20:17What else can you see?
20:19Nothing.
20:19It's arrived.
20:23Just my luck.
20:23Get a nice 21-inch screen and the fog comes up.
20:25Just a minute.
20:26Didn't you notice something else?
20:27What?
20:28There's a great mob of them around that screen
20:29and they're all sitting there
20:30with their eyes glued to the screen.
20:32Well, they won't notice another two.
20:35What a marvelous idea.
20:37How are we going to get in?
20:39We won't have any trouble.
20:40Oh, come on.
20:59Are you, Albert?
21:02Yes, Dad.
21:03I'm Barbara.
21:08Dinner's in the oven when you're ready.
21:11Thanks, Mum.
21:14Thanks, Mum.
21:23Are you Jack?
21:24Yes, Dad.
21:27Is that Tommy with you?
21:29Yes, Mum.
21:33Dinner's in the oven when you're ready.
21:35Thanks, Mum.
21:35Time up.
21:46Albert.
21:48Yes, Mum?
21:49Your brother, Charlie, is in hospital.
21:53Is he?
21:55Yes.
21:58Serious?
22:00Yes.
22:03What happened?
22:05Fell downstairs.
22:06Broke both his legs.
22:09Oh, dear.
22:15Dad!
22:15Dad!
22:18What?
22:21I got the sack today.
22:25Yes?
22:28Yes.
22:32I think they're chucking us out the flat and all.
22:36Ready?
22:39Yes.
22:42That'll be awkward.
22:46Yeah.
22:51Mabel's going to let me on all.
22:55That's you.
22:57Yeah.
22:59Well, you're not coming back here.
23:03No.
23:07Shh.
23:08Shh.
23:16Jack.
23:19Jack.
23:21Yes, Dad.
23:23Go and make the tea.
23:25Kettle's boiling.
23:26Russian.
23:29Mr. Vesner steps on the signboard.
23:38I don't know.
24:28I don't know.
24:31I don't know.
25:01I don't know.
25:31I don't know.
25:37Shall we have dinner now?
25:39It's all ready.
25:41I shall want some help laying the table.
25:43Right.
25:44You all heard of your mother.
25:45Everybody up and outlay the table.
25:47I don't know.
25:48I don't know.
27:12Oh, put the tablecloth on.
27:15Margie.
27:16Well, it didn't ought to go on first.
27:18Sorry, Mum.
27:23Even though.
27:26Who's that?
27:29It's us, Dad.
27:30Tommy and Jack.
27:37Oh, I just didn't talk for dinner.
27:39Sorry we're late, everybody.
27:41Tommy and Jack?
27:43Can't be.
27:44You're already here.
27:45What would you say, Dad?
27:47Shh.
27:49Shh.
28:11there it is sir shouldn't have any more trouble with that it's working perfectly
28:15that should now give you three years trouble-free service thank you very
28:18much indeed I'm very much obliged to not at all so it's your service come along
28:22Gascoyne well it's a bit chilly today I thought perhaps you'd like something to
28:26warm you up before you go oh thank you very much sir a couple of cough sweets here
28:41that's more like it oh dear there she is working like a dream ah my word marvelous just like the
28:50old
28:54days good evening can I borrow half a loaf of bread you why here you've got your television
28:59on yes will you excuse me our sets broke good luck oh it's a flash or die and I'd love
29:04to see what the
29:04picture's like well you can't up it go on push off what people are coming to television set breaks down
29:13for a night they don't know what to do with themselves no intelligence at all then what the
29:18world's coming to I really don't ah there she is oh no not again oh no not me flash of
29:30dying come on
29:31work work come on three years I'm dropped in service you said I'll have those cough sweets back up
29:39oh I'm going to the pictures
29:40oh
29:41oh
29:47oh
29:47oh
29:48oh
29:48oh
29:48oh
29:51oh
29:52oh
29:52oh
29:53oh
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