- 2 days ago
First broadcast 25th November 2016.
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Gyles Brandreth
Jimmy Carr
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Gyles Brandreth
Jimmy Carr
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06And welcome to QI, where tonight we are turning positively negative in the not, nearly, nearly not, neither and no
00:15show.
00:16So let's meet our naysayers, the never knowingly under funny, Charles Brandress.
00:25And the nearly perfect Jimmy Carr.
00:34Yay! Not half bad, Victoria Corrin Mitchell.
00:43And no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:48Yes, it's Alan Davis!
00:58And why not hear their buzzers?
00:59Jimmy goes...
01:06And Victoria goes...
01:08No, no, no, no, no.
01:10No, no, no, no, no.
01:12No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:15And Charles goes...
01:23You look like the games teacher at a school's disco.
01:28And Alan goes...
01:30No, no, a thousand times no.
01:33I'd rather die than say yes.
01:37I thought you were obsessed, actually.
01:39I thought that was very nice.
01:40And so to the first question, and it's important,
01:43you don't listen uncarefully to this one.
01:46Alan, don't you not want some points or not?
01:55Well, that's very difficult to say yes on.
01:59What do you reckon?
02:00Three negatives.
02:02Ah, yes.
02:03Don't you not want some points or not?
02:05Do you not want some...
02:06Do you not want some points?
02:08Or not?
02:10Do you not?
02:11Do you not?
02:12We also don't know whether he does or not.
02:14Yes.
02:16Don't you not want some points or not?
02:18Or not.
02:18Do you not not want points?
02:20So here's the thing.
02:21It's true to say that I do not not want points.
02:23Yes.
02:25Or not.
02:25So not would mean that you do.
02:28Do you want points or not?
02:30Yes.
02:30So the answer is...
02:36Well, there's two questions.
02:38No, it's just one question with one answer, but I'll just tell you now, one answer has a klaxon and
02:42one doesn't.
02:43There you go.
02:46Do you think I'm giving too much away?
02:48Can we help him?
02:49The show's nearly over.
02:50I'm going to...
02:51I'm filibustering.
02:52Just.
02:53Just.
02:53Sometimes with these really taxing questions, the thing to do is to translate them into another language.
02:58Okay.
02:58Because that makes it simpler.
02:59Oh, right.
03:00Because, as we know, you asked the question in English.
03:03I did, yes.
03:03English, there are 500,000 words in the Oxford English Dictionary.
03:06It is the largest language in the world.
03:08Well, there's more than a million now.
03:09Ah, we have indeed, including all the words you've introduced since the series began.
03:13In my edition, 500,000 words.
03:15The German language only has about 150,000 words.
03:18The French have fewer than 100,000 words.
03:20Yes.
03:20Okay, including your weekend.
03:21Yes.
03:22About times no.
03:23Oh, yes.
03:24Have you thought of what to do?
03:26Yes is the right answer.
03:28Yes.
03:38Yes, isn't the right answer.
03:40Oh.
03:40It's not a yes-no question.
03:42No, that's what I thought.
03:43But fundamentally, yes is better than no, is where in my head is.
03:46In your head, maybe.
03:47I was enjoying Giles's...
03:48But curiously, the answer would have been different.
03:51I didn't mean I'd come back to it.
03:54I wasn't enjoying it that much.
03:56But interestingly, the answer in French would have been yes.
04:00Oh, no, no.
04:02In French, you could have said, I don't know, which is je ne sais pas, which is a double negative.
04:07Or?
04:08Or?
04:09But if you translated, what did you originally say?
04:13Is it too early to lose the will to live?
04:17I'm extremely concerned, Sandy, that you, a role model for women everywhere, should, in fleshing out the double negative, come
04:23out with a statement broadly, yes is better than no.
04:25That's not what I'll be telling my daughter.
04:28Obviously.
04:36There's a lot of these in pop, aren't there?
04:38A lot of these in pop and rock lyrics.
04:39Yes.
04:40There's lots of, I can't get no satisfaction.
04:41Yes, there is.
04:42And if it's a positive double negative, like Tom Jones's, it's not unusual, that's fine, okay?
04:48Because basically...
04:48Why is that fine?
04:49Well, it never used to be a problem, the double negative.
04:51And then in the 18th century, they became obsessed with mathematics.
04:53And it's to do with mathematics.
04:55Oh.
04:55So they began to codify the language as being illogical if it didn't fit with mathematical thinking.
05:00So in mathematics, minus a minus is a plus.
05:03Well, do do this in Danish.
05:04Okay.
05:05Yeah.
05:06So he, uh, he tinged among all season that, uh, I can do it.
05:10No, I won't do it.
05:13If you do that, if you do that, I think I've had a stroke.
05:15No, no.
05:16I always just think there's a body being found as soon as I'm in Danish.
05:21You can almost feel the wind on the bridge.
05:24I tell you what, it's a hell of a contortion if you can feel wind on your bridge.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:34Trying to think what position you'd have to be in.
05:36I don't know, but I'm going to try and sketch it.
05:41You need to pass it along when you've done.
05:44Anybody know the difference between no and nay?
05:47Is it like the French no and see?
05:51Where see is yes if somebody's expecting the answer no?
05:54Yeah, you're exactly right.
05:55It has to do with the type of question that you get.
05:57So there used to be in early modern English,
05:59so we're talking sort of late 15th to late 17th century,
06:02two affirmatives, yes and yay, and two negatives, which were no and nay.
06:06And so subtle, the rules, that even the people at the time thought,
06:09I have no idea how this works.
06:10But basically, yes and no were responses to questions posed in the negative.
06:13So, will he not go?
06:15The answer is yes he will or no he will not.
06:17Um, but if you, uh, positively frame a question,
06:20will he go, the answer is yay he will or nay he will not.
06:23Are you allowed to say nay without saying sirrah?
06:26Or need brevicing it with hey nonny, no nay.
06:29Yes.
06:30I'll be docking points, uh, from anybody who gets it wrong from now on.
06:34Is that clear?
06:37Yes, yes, yes, but not entirely.
06:39Yes, but not entirely.
06:40Is that right?
06:41Yay.
06:42Yay.
06:43What?
06:46It was positively phrased, so the answer, in fact, Victoria's entirely right is yay is the answer.
06:51It's yay is the answer?
06:52Yes.
06:53So, yay, yay is the equivalent.
06:55Yay is the equivalent of yes, but nay is not the equivalent of no.
06:59That's what we've learnt.
07:00Well, no.
07:01Hell so.
07:04Yay is yes if the answer yes is expected.
07:07Yay and nay are for positively framed questions and yes and no.
07:10I'm losing, I wanna say I'm, I can't.
07:12Well, what we've learnt is nothing.
07:14Yes.
07:15We weren't really paying attention, that was the problem.
07:17Yeah, yeah, exactly.
07:17But what I can tell you is that there's really nothing wrong with double negatives,
07:20only arbitrary pedants believe there isn't not.
07:25Now it's time for my favourite subject in all the world, not.
07:29It's sport.
07:31Oh.
07:32Yay, sport.
07:33Yay, sport.
07:33Yay.
07:34Why is the person on the right such a loser?
07:38Oh, isn't this interesting?
07:40I don't know yet.
07:41No, no, no, no.
07:42Just because he's not got any badges and ribbons on, he's obviously been in a court martial,
07:48he's had them stripped off him, that's why he's the loser.
07:50You are in the right area.
07:52Is he standing in for someone?
07:54Well, he...
07:55Oh, is it, is it a centaur?
07:57Is he half man, half horse?
08:00It's actually the other guy's riding a horse and he's actually the horse and those are fake legs.
08:05That's my favourite.
08:06Erm, no.
08:07So, he's a sort of nearly man.
08:10Oh, he's not just standing.
08:10I don't think we can call them that any more.
08:18He...
08:21He...
08:21He...
08:21He...
08:21The idea, Jimmy, that you would teach me to be politically correct.
08:26I'm so sorry.
08:26You're so fantastic.
08:28I...
08:28I've started a new thing on the show which is my random Scandinavian and this is my Randy Scandi,
08:33this guy.
08:33He took part in the 1948 Olympics.
08:35His name is Sergeant Geknal Pearson.
08:37Ah.
08:38And he was in the Swedish equestrian team and they easily won gold in the dressage and then
08:43they were stripped of the medal because the French who came second noticed that he was wearing
08:48a sergeant's cap.
08:49So, you're in the right area.
08:50Absolutely, Giles.
08:51In those days, Olympic equestrianism was open only to officers and gentlemen.
08:56It was an amateur sport and other ranks were considered to be professional.
09:00So, what had happened?
09:01He'd been given a bogus promotion to being a lieutenant just for the games but he forgot
09:05to change his hat.
09:07Oh.
09:08But it's a happy ending.
09:10The gentleman rule was changed and he went on to win gold at the next two Olympics just
09:14as a sergeant and he didn't have to be a lieutenant.
09:17So, here's the thing that I think.
09:18Okay, I would like to see the amateur ethos brought back to sport.
09:21What do you think about that?
09:22The amateur thing with sport is, I mean, they've ruined it now, haven't they?
09:25They've ruined the Olympics.
09:26Have they?
09:26Well, I'd say, I...
09:27You can't have Eddie the Eagle or Eric the Eagle or any of those, kind of the fun ones
09:31that get...
09:32Drugs are the making of the Olympics.
09:36You know, it's an exciting idea.
09:38Who can go faster and faster and faster?
09:40They maybe need two games.
09:42You need a clean one and you need...
09:43Yeah, exactly.
09:44What would people watch most?
09:47Lance Armstrong made a very interesting point in that documentary they made about him.
09:50He basically said, yes, I was on drugs.
09:52So was everyone else.
09:53I was the best on drugs.
09:54Yeah.
09:55I also think that the drug should be more interesting.
09:58Does anybody know what the very first ever substance abuse case in the Olympics dealt with?
10:04It was a very high class affair.
10:05Very first person banned for substance abuse.
10:07You're very close.
10:08Was it absent?
10:09No.
10:10Oh, sorry, I wasn't answering.
10:11I was just hoping someone could...
10:12You wanted to answer.
10:14Was it an animal that was doped?
10:16No, it's a fantastic American swimmer called Eleanor Holm.
10:19She was suspended from the American Olympic swimming team in 1936 for drinking too much champagne.
10:24No.
10:24No.
10:28How much champagne is too much champagne?
10:30That's all relative.
10:31I think it would particularly improve her performance.
10:35She was happy.
10:36You don't really have to go backwards and forwards with swimming.
10:38You've got to keep yourself busy.
10:39Bubbles could have helped keeping her up afloot.
10:41The flute.
10:44The first time I went dog racing, I went with a friend of mine and he was betting the second
10:48favourite.
10:48It's always good to back the second favourite because often someone slipped the favourite a pie.
10:54And that's...
10:56It's a dog.
10:57It's a dog that I can't run.
10:59That was delicious though.
11:02That's how you knobble a dog race.
11:04You slip a meat pie to the dog and then it eats it.
11:07I mean, you can imagine, it doesn't run so fast.
11:09That would probably work on this show.
11:10Do you not think of that?
11:11That is the time I've been slipped a pie, Sandy.
11:14So from a nearly man to the world's biggest nobody, what did these guys do when they realised their cocks
11:21was too big?
11:24I presume they threw him overboard.
11:27Kind of.
11:28It's a really sweet story, this.
11:31So we all know what the cocks does.
11:33The cocks tells...
11:34They steers the boat.
11:34Steers the boat, yes.
11:35The cocksom's rowing into things.
11:37From cocksom, literally a boat's servant.
11:39He also sort of shouts row, which doesn't seem necessary in any other sport.
11:44No one in the hundred metres has got a guy on the side going left, right, left, right.
11:49This boy is the cocks.
11:50He became the cocks.
11:52He was the replacement.
11:53This is...
11:54First of all, I love these outfits.
11:55Can I just say...
11:56Every sport wore these.
11:57What are you doing in your underpants?
11:58I think they're sweet.
11:59They look...
11:59They look gorgeous.
12:00Anatomically correct.
12:02Not necessarily.
12:03This is the Dutch cocksed pair from the 1900 Olympics.
12:06So what happened was they got through to the final and they had an overweight cocks called Hermanus Brockman and
12:11they thought it was going to cost them the gold.
12:13So they had noticed that the French crews were using children as cockses and so they decided to get one
12:18of their own and they plucked one from a crowd, this boy.
12:21He'd already been discarded actually by the French as being too heavy.
12:24He's between seven and ten years old.
12:27Nobody knows his name but with him cocksing they won the gold and then he vanished back into the crowd.
12:33He is an Olympic gold medalist and nobody knows his name.
12:38Wow.
12:39Isn't it the sweetest story?
12:40Incredible.
12:41Also the idea that he was telling his friends, yeah, I went and I saw the rowing, it was amazing.
12:44Where did you sit?
12:45I had a great seat.
12:47Yeah, it's in the boat.
12:49He's the only anonymous gold winner ever in the Olympics.
12:52The medal was given to the overweight cocks who didn't actually row.
12:56Hermanus Brockman, he got the gold medal.
12:57Oh, and he was disappointed that it wasn't made of chocolate.
12:59No.
13:01I think that's the main disappointment of all gold medal winners in the Olympics.
13:05Oh, seriously?
13:07Yes indeed, they sacked their cocks and got a lad in to do his job.
13:12And now for something that's not quite the full shilling.
13:15So, I have got three bottles of wine, I've got a very nicely aged Chateaubrandreth.
13:21Oh, I love it.
13:22There we are.
13:23You passed that down there.
13:24I've got a, this is rather lovely.
13:25Jimmy Carr Valley white, fruity and fresh.
13:28I just passed that a bit of excellent with cheese.
13:31And this one, what are you saying about Jimmy's material?
13:35Cheesy and fruity.
13:36Oh, fair enough.
13:37This one goes down very well, I hear.
13:40It's a 1966 Alan Davis piteous wine.
13:45There we go.
13:45So, Victoria.
13:47So, you know nothing about these wines.
13:48I just imagine that you care for all wines and rather similar.
13:51I can make that leap of the imagination.
13:53Thank you very much.
13:54Which one would you purchase based on the price?
13:57On those prices?
13:59I mean all of them.
13:59I'd still get changed.
14:03People have wine stoppers, what's the point of that?
14:06What are they for?
14:07What are they for?
14:08What are they for?
14:09What are they for?
14:14If you genuinely, if you mean genuinely, what would I do?
14:16Yes, genuinely, if you had to.
14:16I'm not a wine stop.
14:17If I didn't know anything about them, I'd buy the cheapest one.
14:19Would you?
14:19You'd buy the one that's £5.50.
14:20Yeah, why not?
14:21I don't know that the extra 50 pence will get me.
14:23I was told by someone who knows about wine that you should consider the duty on the wine.
14:27Oh, right.
14:28So if a bottle of the duty says £4 at a bottle and a bottle is £5, you're really paying
14:33up for a £1 bottle of wine.
14:35Wow.
14:36But if it's £6, you're paying for a £2 bottle of wine, so it's therefore twice as good.
14:40So even though there's only £1 more.
14:42Ah.
14:42And I've followed that advice ever since.
14:45So this guy buying £1 bottle of wine, was he outside a shop at the time?
14:49Was he in the park drinking for charity?
14:52He was already drunk.
14:55Anybody else?
14:56What would you go for, do you mean?
14:57Second cheapest, always.
14:59So you'd go for the £5.99?
15:00Well, yeah.
15:02In restaurants, people never choose the cheapest one.
15:04They don't feel they can afford the most expensive, because that's usually about £600.
15:07So they go for the one above the cheapest, which would be the £5.99.
15:11This one.
15:12And once you've had one bottle, just...
15:13But also, is there not a psychological...
15:16There's only a penny difference, you see.
15:17Is there not a psychological advantage?
15:19It is.
15:19This is the thing.
15:20It's called psychological pricing, and most people...
15:22It's also known as charm pricing or magical pricing, pretty pricing.
15:25Most people would go for the £5.99...
15:28They wouldn't be so cheap, Victoria.
15:29They'd go for the £5.99.
15:32And there seems to be a sort of subconscious thing that we prefer precise prices to round ones.
15:37That seems to be a thing.
15:38And also, it's called a left-digit anchor effect.
15:40So the £5.99, it's still in the £5 bracket.
15:43It's not quite in the £6 bracket, and therefore we see more likely...
15:46We're still falling for this, people.
15:47I know!
15:48Isn't there a theory on this, that it started because they wanted to make sure that they weren't being ripped
15:52off by their vendors?
15:54If you've got to give them a penny change, it has to go through the till.
15:56Yeah, there was a theory about that, but there are experiments that suggest that you do better to price products
16:02at £5.99 than at £5.50, because the £99 feels like a reduction.
16:05It is odd that £6 1p sounds a lot more than £5.99.
16:10It sounds about 40 quid more.
16:11Yes, it does, doesn't it?
16:13But also, what a bore to have 99p and change.
16:16That's the reason for not getting it.
16:17Well, the official monster-raving loony party in this country has proposed creation of a 99-pence coin to save
16:23change.
16:27That's a very good idea.
16:31Is this genuinely wine, or have they filled the bottle with water?
16:33Er, I haven't opened it to check. Why did you unscrew it and see?
16:37This is wine.
16:38This is wine.
16:39It's Beaujolais.
16:40Have we got any glasses?
16:48Do you think you've overpaid for that, or is that all right?
16:50I think that's all right.
16:51See, I think I've done well with the cheapest one.
16:53Take it back now.
16:53Yes, I think in restaurants you should always order the highest wine, because if they should...
17:08You should always order the highest wine, because the restaurant ought to stand by its house wine.
17:17If the house wine is not good, then the food is not going to be good.
17:19And also they buy so much of it, they can get it at a better price.
17:22Yes, so that is a...
17:23So buy the house wine at 99 rather than...
17:26Well, it depends how expensive it is.
17:28So a prestige good, a luxury good, like say for example, do you like handbags?
17:31Do you like luxury handbags?
17:32Of course, yes.
17:33No.
17:34Er, people are more likely to pay 900 pounds for a luxury handbag than 899.99,
17:39because you don't want it to be affordable, that's not the point.
17:41I genuinely, I don't understand about handbags.
17:44Okay.
17:44And I'm, I'm not really a proper girl, as I...
17:47Oh.
17:48...tried to.
17:51And Jimmy's fine with that.
17:54A handbag is essential.
17:56Do you carry a manbag?
17:57I don't carry a manbag, but I discovered a handbag was essential when I wrote a book about the Queen.
18:02And the Queen always has a handbag on over her arm.
18:04And when she moves her handbag from one wrist to the other wrist,
18:10that is the cue for the Aquari in waiting to move you on.
18:15Oh!
18:16So when you are next, Sandy, chatting with Her Majesty and thinking it's going rather well,
18:20doing some of your amusing Danish stuff...
18:23Er...
18:24LAUGHTER
18:27She can't get enough of it.
18:28She can't.
18:29Her husband is a Dane.
18:31She loves all that.
18:32She loves the Nordics.
18:33She loves all that.
18:33Philip?
18:34Yeah, I don't know.
18:35He's great.
18:36No, no.
18:36Oh, no.
18:37That's just a cover.
18:38Oh.
18:41He's quite mad, you know.
18:42No!
18:43I had lunch with Her Majesty and she appeared to have nothing but dog biscuits in the bag.
18:47Yeah, well...
18:47But anyway, that is, that is the trick.
18:49So just watch out.
18:50When she moves the bag from one wrist to the other, you know it's your time to...
18:55To move along.
18:56Move along.
18:57Erm, in the meaning of Liff, which is a fabulous book, A Kibblesworth, which is a village in Tynum
19:01somewhere, is defined as the footling amount of money by which a price is less than a sensible
19:05number.
19:06Which I like.
19:08Er...
19:08Shall we put the bottles away?
19:09What do you think?
19:10Do you want me to give me...
19:11Give me yours.
19:11I'm putting it away.
19:12No, give me yours.
19:18So, I got 99 problems but the pence ain't one.
19:23Now...
19:25Just, that's for the younger people.
19:28Here is a not un-knotty poser for you to consider.
19:32What's a really unfortunate name to have on the internet?
19:35I was thinking that one of, like, there's erm, there's a Penn Island that has a website.
19:40Oh!
19:42Yes.
19:42Is that right?
19:43Which doesn't look great.
19:45Penn Island.
19:46Penn Island.
19:47Okay.
19:49There's actually a company that I've worked for called Bound and Gagged Comedy and if you
19:53type in bound and gagged...
19:57I found that once I, once Googled big cart horse and my word.
20:02Check your eye out.
20:04For what, for what legitimate reason were you Googling big cart horse?
20:10I get lonely.
20:15Anyway, there are all sorts of names that don't work.
20:18So, there's a man called Christopher Null who is from Texas and he finds that computers
20:22regularly reject anything because Null in lots of programming languages basically means
20:27this space is intentionally left blank.
20:29Now, here's the good thing.
20:31Mr. Null is a prominent tech journalist as I think you can tell by his thrusting photograph.
20:37Erm...
20:37And, er, the easiest thing in fact is to put a full stop after the name is the best way.
20:41There are all sorts of names like that that just don't...computers go when I don't know...
20:43Oh, I see, because it's as in Null and Void.
20:45Yeah.
20:45So you type in Null and nothing appears.
20:46Yeah, because...
20:47So he's the invisible man.
20:48That's what he looks like.
20:49Yes, that's what he looks like.
20:51But he's not on his own.
20:52There have been hundreds of people in China who've had to change their names because the computer
20:55codes don't exist and they don't have a Chinese sign for it.
20:59And therefore they don't exist so they've had to change their name otherwise they can't
21:01apply for a driving licence or whatever.
21:03And what are these people called?
21:05I don't know the names of all of them because there are several hundred of them.
21:08There are a lot of Chinese people, that is a matter of fact.
21:10Yeah.
21:11There was a British feminist called Margaret Sandra and in 1979 she dropped her surname
21:17because she got very irritated.
21:18She went to buy a tumble dryer and she wasn't allowed to buy it unless her husband signed
21:22the form.
21:23Oh.
21:23So she became enraged and she doesn't have a surname.
21:25But the result is...
21:26Wet clothes.
21:27Yes.
21:29If you don't have a surname on a computer you can't easily claim benefits or you can't
21:33book online or you can't...
21:34There are all sorts of things you can't do.
21:36So what does...
21:36You know, poor Bono and Cher must be all kinds of...
21:39Poor things.
21:40Yeah.
21:40Just being there Maxie.
21:41They've got no white goods at all.
21:44Poor Sting, can't get a driver's licence.
21:46They're down there at the water's edge bashing their clothes on rocks.
21:51I can't get a washing machine on them.
21:56I feel...
21:57This makes me feel...
21:57The edge is no help.
22:06My favourite story about getting names wrong, there was a British student called Adam Armstrong
22:10and he had his Ryanair seat accidentally booked in the wrong name.
22:13So the airline was going to charge him £220 administration fee to correct this error
22:18and he didn't want to pay the money so he changed his name by deed poll.
22:22Which is free.
22:24Okay.
22:24And got a new passport for £103.
22:29Way cheaper.
22:30Instead of paying Ryanair for a clerical error, change your name.
22:35There's a lesson there, I have no idea what it is.
22:38And now, for a total non-event.
22:40Who's the best person to invite to a don't-come party?
22:44Oh.
22:45Yes.
22:45A don't-come party?
22:47It's an actual thing that...
22:48It's used now by charities.
22:49Ah!
22:50I think I know what it is, then.
22:51Yes.
22:51It is where, in order to raise money, they say,
22:56if you give us £1,000, we will not hold this occasion.
23:00You don't, therefore, need to spend money on having your hair done,
23:03buying a new frock, hiring a car...
23:05Yeah.
23:05Taking part in the raffle, buying a balloon, getting the drugs behind the fountain over there.
23:11None of these things need to happen.
23:13It's a cheap, cheap even.
23:15Behind the fountain?
23:17What, does this come out of people going, I would pay not to go to that event?
23:20Yes.
23:20So, people who want to say home, I would pay not to hear Giles' after-dinner speech.
23:25Oh.
23:25I would say...
23:27No.
23:31And you could make the thing sound as extravagant and glamorous as you like,
23:34and then don't have it.
23:36So, you say it's at the fantastically expensive hotel, and there's going to be champagne,
23:39but don't come.
23:40And then you get more money, because people don't want to go anywhere.
23:43Yes.
23:44So, a never event is different, okay?
23:45Do not that is.
23:46Is that an event that was never going to happen?
23:49Er, no.
23:49It's the official name used by hospital administrators to describe errors that are wholly avoidable.
23:56So, should never occur, like, I...
23:58Well, using, I should think of meat cleaver on a patient would be...
24:02Well, before we rush to judgement, we don't know what's the matter with him.
24:05Yes.
24:05No.
24:06That might be necessary.
24:08Yeah.
24:08But, curiously, these never events do occur.
24:10I was hosting the British Funeral Directors Awards recently.
24:17We've got to get you a new action, dude.
24:20It was quite quiet, initially.
24:26It took place.
24:27I hope you weren't fun with that.
24:27At the end of the day, they'd had their trade show in the same venue,
24:31and so, around the edges of the room, there were, er, coffins, caskets,
24:36er, people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of, sitting up in them.
24:39Were you picking a new home?
24:40Er, er...
24:46No, sorry, can I say?
24:48Because he's old and he'll be dead soon.
24:49I'm sorry if I...
24:51This, er, can I tell you something, Jimmy?
24:53This is...
24:53I don't think you realise how this is getting to me,
24:56because this morning, this very morning, I received a letter through the post
25:00inviting me to be the new face of the Stanner Stairlift.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:06That is it.
25:10And thank you.
25:12The worst thing about this is...
25:15We're on a banquet, George. We're on a banquet.
25:17The worst thing about this is, my wife said,
25:18I think we should consider this.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:21Then...
25:22This is a true story.
25:23This is a true story.
25:24I have then phoned them up, and I said,
25:28have you thought of Nigel Havers?
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list.
25:34LAUGHTER
25:35I mean, this is not the first invitation of its kind I've received.
25:39Because I also...
25:40This is maybe how they got hold of my name.
25:42I was considered, erm, for the...
25:46being the new figure, stretched out on the floor,
25:48reaching for the alarm.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:52I hope I've fallen and I can't get up.
25:54Ah, that one.
25:55But June Whitefield has got that gig at the moment, you know?
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59But I have had this brilliant idea,
26:01which I've now begun to discuss with them.
26:03Because my problem is that I go upstairs,
26:05and I can't remember why I've gone upstairs.
26:07Yes.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:08So, my idea is this.
26:09I attach to the arm of the stairlift
26:12an old-fashioned tape recorder.
26:14I sit in the chair,
26:15I press the two buttons,
26:16I tell myself why I am going upstairs.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:25APPLAUSE
26:30Slightly the worst Beckett play ever.
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34I'll do the tape, years later,
26:36behind a down-the-generation,
26:38with all the reasons...
26:39LAUGHTER
26:40..why Andrew Giles went up the stairs for ten years.
26:44LAUGHTER
26:44Poor a shit!
26:47LAUGHTER
26:52Never events you may not wish to attend
26:55include Charles Brandreth addressing funeral directors.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59Er, these are both improbable pictures of George I.
27:02So, what on earth happened here?
27:05Oh, he had his wig made into a moustache.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:09Can I give you a clue,
27:10they're separate George I's?
27:13The one on the left is...
27:14Matt Lucas.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:16I'm pretty sure that's Matt Lucas.
27:18They're all just like Samuel Pepys,
27:19everyone in a way like that.
27:20Those wigs, yeah, there's a thing.
27:22Well, I can tell you,
27:22George's dressed up to Britain on the left.
27:24Yes.
27:24Cos he's dressed up like...
27:26He was German, of course.
27:27He was German.
27:27In fact, he only spoke German
27:28when he first became king.
27:30Yeah, yes.
27:32You don't have to do it in German.
27:33It's perfectly fine to...
27:34How did he become king?
27:36Er, well, that is the extraordinary thing,
27:38because there were 51 candidates
27:39to become the next king.
27:41Why did they choose George?
27:43All of them were ahead of him,
27:44were closer in line to the throne.
27:45Because we like a German?
27:47Because the others were all Catholics.
27:49Ah, of course.
27:50He was the only Protestant,
27:51and the act was designed to ensure
27:53that Protestants came to the throne.
27:55The act of settlement?
27:56Yeah.
27:56Must have been like an upset on the X Factor.
27:58Yes.
27:59Yes.
27:59He's exactly like that.
28:01Well, the outsider comes in.
28:01Start kicking Catholics off the X Factor,
28:03that'll stir up the roti.
28:08We're going back to the old rules.
28:10Yes.
28:11Erm, so the other George I,
28:13also another king who took office against the odds,
28:15he's my random...
28:15Is he odd...
28:16Is he going to be Danish?
28:17He is.
28:18He's a Randy Scandi.
28:19Yes.
28:19He is a Randy Scandi.
28:20He was Prince William of Denmark,
28:21and he became King of Greece.
28:23Yeah.
28:24That's...
28:24Excuse me.
28:25Yes.
28:27He's alive!
28:30You may recall that I mentioned earlier,
28:32and there was sort of ribald laughter,
28:34that the Duke of Edinburgh was Danish.
28:35Yes.
28:36The Duke of Edinburgh is Danish
28:37because he is a direct descendant of this man.
28:39Okay, fair enough.
28:41And...
28:41So, surprisingly,
28:42the end of the Greek War of Independence,
28:43so 1829...
28:47Er, Greece was in chaos.
28:48Who imagined such a thing?
28:49Greece, in chaos.
28:50I know.
28:51It was extraordinary.
28:52What now?
28:52Who now?
28:54They had this guy called King Otto,
28:55and he was hopeless,
28:57and they didn't like him,
28:57so he was overthrown,
28:58and they had a referendum
28:59to decide his successor.
29:01And there was Prince William of Denmark,
29:02and Prince Alfred,
29:04who was the second son of Queen Victoria.
29:06There were 240,000 votes counted,
29:08and Prince William got six, okay?
29:11Er, the Greeks voted 95% of them
29:13that they wanted the British prince, Prince Alfred.
29:16Oh, touchy.
29:16Er, but there was a treaty
29:17that banned British royals from taking the Greek throne,
29:20so Prince William got it.
29:22He got it.
29:23With six votes.
29:24With six votes.
29:25Yes.
29:26Oh.
29:26That's democracy and royalty working together.
29:30They did try a lot of other royals as well
29:32before they came down to these final two
29:33to put in the mix.
29:34They did,
29:34and what I like is there were 93 votes
29:36in the referendum for a republic,
29:37and one to bring back King Otto,
29:39because I have no idea who that was.
29:40And they took it...
29:41I think it might have been Otto.
29:42Yeah.
29:44Otto's loyal butler.
29:47So, anyway,
29:48your chances of ascending the throne
29:50may be better than you thought.
29:51And here's another coronation
29:53that was not without its controversies.
29:54Have a careful look at this
29:55and tell me what's not right.
29:57Er, first of all,
29:58do we know which coronation it is?
30:00Yeah.
30:00It's been Victoria.
30:02Er, so did anybody know what went wrong?
30:03They crowned the wrong woman.
30:06The lady called Karen was crowned.
30:07She ruled for 18 years.
30:09In a way, it's almost what happened.
30:10It's five hours, it was.
30:12So, first of all, the Archbishop of Canterbury
30:13forced the coronation ring onto the wrong finger.
30:15Er, caused her severe pain,
30:17and they couldn't get it off afterwards.
30:19And three years later,
30:20he did exactly the same thing at her wedding.
30:22He was just not ring-savvy,
30:23the Archbishop of Canterbury.
30:25Er, then the Bishop of Bath and Wells
30:26accidentally turned over two pages
30:28in the service book,
30:29and he cut out the whole section
30:30where they made her queen.
30:34What do you mean, the whole section?
30:36That's surely the whole coronation, isn't it?
30:38The bit where they make her queen.
30:39The coronation was invalid,
30:40and, in fact, she had left the abbey
30:42before they realised
30:43that she had to come back and do it again.
30:45I love that.
30:46They had to do a retake.
30:47And then, as the lords were being presented to her,
30:50the elderly, rather aptly named Lord Roll,
30:53became globally famous for tripping over
30:55on the steps leading to the throne
30:56and rolling all the way down.
30:59Oh.
31:00But, apparently, she didn't endear herself
31:02to the public until that moment,
31:04and when Lord Roll fell down the stairs,
31:05she got up and tried to help him,
31:06and then, after that, they thought,
31:08Oh, she's...
31:08Because she was very young, wasn't she?
31:09Yeah, she was a teenager.
31:10I mean, it must have been an unbelievable thing.
31:13Now, here's a substance
31:14you may be not unfamiliar with,
31:16even if you don't think you're not.
31:20What might you use...
31:21This whole episode's given me a headache.
31:24What might you use
31:25Nobel's safety powder for?
31:28Yes!
31:29Is that not the original name for dynamite?
31:32It is absolutely right.
31:33It is the original name for dynamite.
31:34You're absolutely right.
31:35That's the...
31:36That's the...
31:39He was the one that made it kind of safe.
31:40Well, it was safer than the alternative explosives,
31:42and in the end, he called it dynamite,
31:44which is from the ancient Greek for power,
31:46but dynamite is less likely to blow up
31:48while you're handling it.
31:49Why do you want to blow up pretty Japanese girls?
31:52Sorry?
31:54Did you see the photograph?
31:56I mean, the picture.
31:57Well, let's go back.
31:57Let's go back and have a look.
31:58Yeah.
31:58Is that not a geisha of some type?
32:00I'm going to guess that that's a mock-up
32:01for amusement purposes.
32:03Oh, for today?
32:04Yes.
32:04Oh, it's not the original advertisement?
32:06No, I don't think suggesting...
32:08Well, the idea that someone would be, you know,
32:11flicking through what quarry magazine?
32:14This stuff looks...
32:16This looks pretty good, doesn't it?
32:18It's a bit disappointing.
32:19You'd have to have serious cellulite
32:21to want to put dynamite to it, I think.
32:23The original Botox, yes.
32:25Some people will do anything.
32:25They sell embalming fluid.
32:27Do they?
32:28I know that, actually.
32:29We will leave from your friends in the funeral business.
32:33I was wondering what was keeping you looking so fresh.
32:36You've got a bucket of it.
32:38Yeah.
32:42So he went on and called it dynamite
32:44and then he made the even safer blasting gelatin,
32:46which is an explosive jelly, which is known as jelly-mite.
32:49Well, isn't there the thing on him where there was a false obituary
32:53or a premature obituary?
32:55Yeah.
32:55Of his...
32:56It basically said this guy was, you know, profited from death
32:58and then he set up the peace.
33:00So they say nobody can find such an obituary,
33:03so it may be one of those things, those stories that...
33:06In an old paper.
33:06Who could be bothered to look?
33:07But there's quite a lot of stories like that about him.
33:09So there's a story that there's no Nobel maths prize
33:11in order to punish all mathematicians
33:14because one of them had eloped with his wife.
33:16It's not true because...
33:18Wasn't married?
33:19Never got married.
33:20He had lots of long-term romantic relationships,
33:23but nobody left him for a mathematician.
33:25It isn't true.
33:25I mean, there's no Nobel prize for maths
33:27because there wasn't any reason why there should be one.
33:28There's no Nobel prize for PE or biology or geography.
33:34There isn't even, actually, a Nobel for economics.
33:36The economics Nobel isn't a Nobel prize.
33:38It's the Swedish bank, the Riksbank.
33:41They give it in memory of Alfred Nobel.
33:43It's given at the same ceremony.
33:45Is that a double negative and it is a Nobel prize?
33:47It isn't because it's in memory of him
33:50rather than it was one of the ones in which he found it.
33:52Can I say, the way you share this information with us,
33:54I love hearing you just giving us facts.
33:57It's a kind of erotic charge in the room.
34:01Only one day I'd turn.
34:03I never thought it'd be you, Giles.
34:10It's just nice for you to be in a room
34:11that isn't full of coffins, isn't it?
34:14That's funereal.
34:16But soon, Giles, soon.
34:20At which point we turn our attention deficit
34:22to that slush fund of negative knowledge,
34:24the general ignorance round.
34:26Fingers not unadjacent to buzzers, if you please.
34:29Name some common Egyptian characters.
34:35Yes?
34:36The Eye of Horus.
34:41What are the chances?
34:43I don't know why the Eye of Horus isn't a common Egyptian character.
34:47Because it's a hieroglyph and hieroglyphs were only used for special occasions.
34:52Ah.
34:52So they were not common.
34:53Well, I think you'll find that there were many special occasions in Egyptian.
34:56Yes.
34:57The thing is, a normal everyday form of writing in Egyptian was hieratic.
35:01So it's a simplified version.
35:03It's a much more cursive version.
35:04There it is.
35:05That's a rarefied klaxon.
35:07I think, frankly, Victoria, they've set you up there.
35:10Yes.
35:11It's a trap.
35:13So do you have them on early connect?
35:15Do you not hieroglyphs?
35:16Yeah, we do.
35:16Yes.
35:17In our first series, it was Greek letters.
35:20Right.
35:21And people wrote in and said,
35:22we like the show but we find that pretentious.
35:24So we began, I think, series three with an apology saying,
35:26we'd like to say, sort of,
35:27everyone that's been enjoying the show but they found the Greek letters a bit pretentious.
35:30We've listened.
35:31It's your BBC.
35:32You've reached out.
35:33We've heard you.
35:34Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph.
35:39Well, they're for special occasions, you see.
35:41The thing is that they can have multiple meanings.
35:43So sometimes they just represent the thing they're drawing.
35:45So it could be a saw of some kind.
35:46It could be a tool of some kind.
35:48It could be something else.
35:49So the nose hieroglyph, for example,
35:51means smell or joy or contempt.
35:53But no vowels.
35:54Again, they're like the only connection you have around, don't you,
35:56with no vowels.
35:57There are no vowels in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs
35:59and we have no idea how it would have sounded.
36:01So King Ramses could be King Rameses.
36:03We don't know.
36:04But that's impossible because you know,
36:06well, I suppose you can mention that vowels.
36:07Because when it comes to diction,
36:09vowels for volume, consonants for clarity.
36:13As in the exercise that is performed by actors,
36:16you repeat the following.
36:18Hip bath, hip bath, lavatory, lavatory,
36:21b-day, b-day, douche.
36:30These all things, are these all things you're advertising?
36:37Tell us about your sponsorship, please.
36:40People of your generation probably don't know what a bidet is,
36:43but they are all bathroom appliances, one kind or another.
36:46Hip bath, hip bath, lavatory, lavatory, b-day, b-day, douche.
36:52Douche.
36:53Douche.
36:53I didn't like the way you looked at me when you said douche.
36:56This goes out in America.
36:58That means something else there.
36:59The average ancient Egyptian wrote not in hieroglyphics,
37:03but hieratics.
37:04Now, what would happen if you dropped a penny
37:07from the Empire State Building?
37:09Oh, no.
37:10This is about killing people, isn't it?
37:13Okay.
37:14Nothing.
37:15It wouldn't kill someone.
37:16Yeah.
37:16It would not kill someone.
37:19It's too light, absolutely.
37:21Too light.
37:21It's like you could drop a duckling and it would float.
37:24A duckling?
37:25It's incredibly light and also...
37:27A duckling?
37:28Wouldn't a duckling fly?
37:29Oh, because a duckling can't fly yet.
37:30They can't fly, but they can fall out of nests and float to the ground.
37:34Oh, no.
37:35Do you know how I know this?
37:36Yes.
37:36Because I had a roof terrace that had a pond on it
37:39and then some ducks came and moved in.
37:42Oh, oh.
37:42Had ducklings and they all threw themselves off the roof.
37:46Oh, oh, oh.
37:47Which is three storeys up.
37:48Quickly say there's a happy ending.
37:49And I ran down the stairs and they were all wandering about in the car park.
37:55Did they get hit by a car?
37:56No, they...
37:58Somebody rounded them up, put them in a box and we took them back up the stairs
38:01and we probably did it again.
38:02Oh, no.
38:03What was it about living with you that made them want to jump off a roof?
38:05That's just what they do.
38:07Because they're so light, they won't plummet to the ground and die.
38:11Well, it's the same, it's the same.
38:11It's the same with the coins.
38:13They're fantastically lightweight and they also have too much air resistance.
38:16But if you had a whole bag of them?
38:20If you really, really wanted to kill somebody,
38:24that is perfectly possible.
38:26A pen would make it...
38:27I mean, that would drill a hole in your head.
38:29That was not a good thing.
38:31But in fact, it's an academic question
38:33because the coins mostly don't hit the ground at all.
38:35So what happens is the design and the height of the building creates so much strong updraft
38:39that the tossed coins tend to be pushed back towards the building
38:42and they land on the ledges and roofs of the lower floors
38:45where the maintenance crew say, thank you!
38:48And collect them all up indeed.
38:52This is not connected really with the pennies,
38:54but can I just tell you about one of my favourite creatures in the world.
38:57It's called the hero ant.
38:58Okay?
38:58It's a cliff-dwelling ant in Madagascar.
39:01Not a looker.
39:02Not a looker.
39:03I'll be honest.
39:04It's got the most fantastic way of removing predators from the nest.
39:07It grabs them and holds them and then jumps off the cliff.
39:11And then when it hits the bottom, it lands softly
39:14and then it lets go and climbs back up to the cave.
39:17Don't you think that's...
39:19That's fantastic.
39:19That's fantastic.
39:20I mean, you probably shouldn't try it with a home intruder.
39:22No.
39:23Worth mentioning.
39:24No.
39:25For safety.
39:26A coin drop from the Empire State Building would never reach the ground
39:29and if it did, it wouldn't do any damage.
39:31And finally, a quick health check.
39:32Put your hand up if you haven't got haemorrhoids at the moment.
39:35Put my hand up where?
39:52I don't like getting the buzzer, but when you're so gleeful.
39:55Yes.
39:56I've always got haemorrhoids.
39:57I've had haemorrhoids for about 25 years.
39:59Really?
39:59The thing is, everybody's got them.
40:02We're born with haemorrhoids.
40:03There isn't anybody who doesn't have them.
40:04They're cushions.
40:05They're sort of made of veins, which are a normal part of the anatomy.
40:08It's a bit like your eyelids or your lips, possibly not quite so pretty.
40:11And they're there to stop the stools leaking out of your bottom.
40:15They explained all this to me when I went to the audition for the job.
40:20It's only when they become enlarged or inflamed that they cause problems,
40:23but we have them all the time.
40:24We all have haemorrhoids all the time.
40:26Well, you know what?
40:26I think if we're going to...
40:27Should we go embarrassing bodies?
40:29Should we...
40:30We've run out.
40:31So we've all got them at all times.
40:33But there's a myth that if you sit on a cold surface or conversely on a radiator,
40:37it causes piles.
40:38That's simply not true.
40:39And spicy food, not true.
40:40What causes...?
40:42Well, there is another old wives tale about reading on the loo can cause them.
40:46That may be true.
40:47What do you have to read, though?
40:48Is it like a spell?
40:50Is it an indentation?
40:51No, it's sitting or standing for too long.
40:52Strange your rectum is a thing.
40:55Yes, you mustn't push.
40:56No.
40:57No.
40:57And also, never resist the call to stool.
41:03Is that another way of warming up for an actor?
41:07Harry Hill told me that with his medical hat on.
41:09Oh, you must never resist the call to stool.
41:11I like that.
41:12That's very good.
41:13They think Napoleon may have lost the Battle of Waterloo because he had a terrible attack
41:16of piles which made him not sleep the night before he doesn't look.
41:19Well, and they captured the moment, didn't they?
41:21Yeah.
41:22That is a man with piles.
41:24Yeah.
41:24Most definitely.
41:25It's the part of Instagram for you.
41:27Your horse is ready.
41:28Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
41:30And David Livingston thought to have died on the banks of the Zambezi from burst hemorrhoids.
41:35Oh.
41:36If a hemorrhoid bursts in the forest...
41:41It's something that we're at the hemorrhoid section of the show anyway.
41:44Yes, absolutely.
41:45So let's have a look at the scores.
41:48And in first place, with minus one point, it's Giles!
41:59In second place was minus five, Alan.
42:07And in third place, with minus eight, Victoria.
42:15Minus twenty-one.
42:18Jimmy!
42:25Oh!
42:25Oh!
42:28Oh!
42:29Oh!
42:29Thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Giles and Alan.
42:31And I'll leave you with this.
42:32In the 1950s, the American philosophy professor Sidney Morgan Besser went to a lecture by the
42:38English linguistics expert J.L. Austin, who claimed that while some languages use double
42:43negatives to make a positive, no language uses a double positive to make a negative.
42:49And from the back of the room came Morgan Besser's distinctive New York drawl, yeah, yeah.
42:53Yeah!
42:54Yeah.
42:54Yeah.
42:55Yeah!
42:55Yeah, yeah.
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