- 2 days ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S01 Ep2 Inventor Of The Forty Foot Ferret
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00:25It'll not hurt you.
00:26I just don't want to go into a church, that's all.
00:30It's just an experiment.
00:32I'm going to prove to him that he does believe whether he believes it or not.
00:36I had enough experiments when they had me in hospital.
00:39What were you in for?
00:40Two weeks.
00:41Oh, very nasty, two weeks.
00:44A man should have some religion.
00:47I am not a race for church.
00:50Come on, come on.
00:53His family's always been devout national assistants.
00:57I don't know if you saw the inside of something other than a betting shop.
01:01At least in them that don't have to die to collect the winnings.
01:09Here, come back. Come back.
01:13Come back. Come on.
01:15Looks like the spirit's moving in fairly rapidly.
01:19I can't bear to think of him touching you.
01:21He is me husband.
01:23Well, that's no excuse.
01:25He takes you for granted.
01:27He hardly ever takes me anywhere these days.
01:30He's become ever so remote ever since he started taking that stuff for his eat bumps.
01:37All right, you can come out now.
01:39You'll not be hiding behind that boot.
01:41Now then, why did you run away?
01:43I didn't run away. I just remembered something.
01:46Oh, yes?
01:47Your trousers were on fire.
01:49Notice the smoke coming out of your wellies, did you?
01:51I told you he'd not go near.
01:53You'll notice how his religious scepticism failed him as he went up that path.
01:57Thank God, it's the vicar. I owe him a few bumps.
02:00Don't tell me that rubbish.
02:02You're in mortal fear.
02:03I knew you would be.
02:05It's all very well to scoff at the afterlife
02:07and the relative security of the taproom at the Red Lion.
02:10Well, then nobody's had a mystical experience at the Red Lion.
02:13Maybe not.
02:13But it was touch and go once or twice when they had no bulb in the outside toilet.
02:19You can't scoff when you find yourself on consecrated premises, can you?
02:24I've had lectures all my life from fellas in Trilby Hatch.
02:27If they don't preach your religion, they've come to take your celly back.
02:31You weren't so confident about being an atheist back there.
02:34I'm not changing anything.
02:36Oh, he could see you're not changing anything.
02:38I'm sticking to my opinion.
02:39Oh, no doubt you're sticking to your socks and all.
02:43No wonder he's an atheist.
02:45If cleanliness were next to godliness, there's nowhere else he can go.
02:49Come on, we'll take a walk up the hill.
02:51And if he won't admit to feeling a sense of wonder in church,
02:55we'll see how he feels when faced with the wonders of nature.
02:58Wonders of nature.
03:01One cow cake after another.
03:16You know, I used to come up here and ponder the meaning of life.
03:21I used to come up here for rabbits.
03:23Giving up girls, had you?
03:25Yeah, I've had more lasses than you've had handbags.
03:27It's moments like this that make you stop and realise just how bloody draughty it is.
03:42Yes, you ask yourself, what does it all mean?
03:46You try and prepare for a variety of things.
03:50I like a bit of Mozart.
03:52Oh, well, you usually had corned beef.
03:56You have to put it up thin, did my missus?
03:58Trim it up with a bit of lettuce, cucumber.
04:04I reckon by the time she'd done, it was nearly as posh as Mozart.
04:08I used to play without lettuce, of course.
04:10Of course.
04:11I still have 12 classical long players from the Reader's Digest.
04:16You have.
04:16I have.
04:17Well, I don't suppose it need make any difference.
04:19We've known each other a long time.
04:31Of course, some of us have the natural taste to overcome a skimpy education.
04:35I know what they say about me behind me back.
04:38That's Blaymar.
04:39Came out of the army with ideas above his station.
04:42There we go.
04:44Then, of course, there was that awful scandal when I was caught in that compromising position with the telegraph.
04:50It was your wild language that people found objectionable.
04:54Fancy saying discipline in front of a social worker.
05:01Hey, you!
05:03Did the thinker got lost?
05:05Why should we expect Dane Fortune to grant us a boon of such magnitude?
05:09Oh, I say this much for thee, Cyril.
05:11There's a lovely talk.
05:13Have less of the Cyril.
05:14Try Mr. Blaymar while doffing your tatty cap.
05:17Is that my coffee?
05:18Aye, your coffee that we have bought in our flasks.
05:23Where have you been?
05:24Don't encourage him.
05:26It doesn't do to inquire into the unseemly mysteries of his person.
05:30I tell you this much, it weren't easy without any paper.
05:34I told you.
05:36I told you.
05:37Not at this altitude.
05:38I got right down behind that dry stone wall, but it was still no good.
05:43Too much wind.
05:46You should have heard it whistling.
05:49God forbid.
05:51I don't know how Boy Scouts can do it.
05:54Probably by numbers.
05:57And then only under careful supervision.
06:01Fifteen minutes and all I could raise were a puff or two of smoke.
06:06Could he be adapted, do you think, for signalling purposes?
06:09He'd have to be licensed by the GPO, respond to simple commands.
06:13No, the operator would have to handle him.
06:16That is too much to ask.
06:17And then I'll roll out to matches.
06:19So, no fire.
06:22You're always out of summer.
06:23It's like your friendly neighbourhood famine.
06:26Ah, we didn't need a fire any road.
06:30But if I had a match, you could like me fang.
06:34If I had a fang.
06:37You know, I only have one consolation, and that is I'm contributing in my own small way, little as it
06:42is, to a better long cancer.
06:44Oh, I must confess to periods of doubt when it seems that he's going to live forever.
06:51Oh, it's all.
07:03You're a man of the great died at 33.
07:06No.
07:08No, stand up, everybody, with a better excuse for being alive.
07:12Yeah, too many cars on the road.
07:14He wasn't killed by a car.
07:18I think I've just made up my mind about euthanasia.
07:23I'm for it.
07:24He's got up to his bike.
07:26Alexander the Great, I never knew that.
07:28No!
07:29Our Dudley!
07:30It was probably the owner who recognised his bike.
07:34That's a yard.
07:35He would have survived, though, wouldn't he?
07:37Your Dudley, I would have been a Christian gentleman.
07:40He would inevitably have cocked his clogs.
07:43We've all had that uncomfortable feeling that the Almighty's not all that competent.
07:49That's what I mean.
07:50How can you fathom it all out?
07:52Eh, do you reckon Harris would?
07:55An Almighty?
07:56Do you mind not being so provocative while we're under this tree?
08:00And use your right hand!
08:02That's the one you invariably pick your nose with.
08:06Oh, oh, she'll believe there's an Almighty.
08:10He believed in anything.
08:12Have less of the settle.
08:13I want to know if Clegg believes in the Almighty.
08:16Who needs eternity?
08:18Suppose you're waiting for a bus.
08:20I don't think it all ends when you die.
08:23Oh, cut it!
08:26Hey, if there is an heaven, do you reckon you could take your ferrets?
08:31Who's that homely little angel in the wellies who's just passed you that guy?
08:35Ferrets?
08:36I should worry unduly.
08:38Not a place you're likely to encounter.
08:40Hey, if it's only for conservatives, I don't want to bloody go.
08:45No, not a place you're going to call.
08:46Oh, Mr. Sherry's.
08:47Kongpo, coming down from the trees.
08:50Hey-hop!
08:51Hey-hop!
08:52Hey-hop!
08:53Get in there, fucker!
08:53Get in there!
08:55Get in there!
09:00Oh!
09:02Oh!
09:12We must be adult about this thing, Mrs. Partridge.
09:14Not now, Mr. Wainwright.
09:16I haven't finished those special requests for Doncaster Borough.
09:19I think I've found you in this petty bourgeois town.
09:24You're a lovely, wild thing.
09:27Oh, I don't know.
09:29That body was made for pleasure.
09:31Well, I used to enjoy a slow fox trot.
09:36But now he never takes me anywhere.
09:39Carnal pleasure.
09:40Oh, and he never says anything cheeky like that.
09:45He hasn't got your gift for words, Mr. Wainwright.
09:48No.
09:49He just takes it for granted.
09:50I shall be waiting for him after match of the day.
09:56He's strangling all the poetry in you.
09:59It's true.
10:01Mind you, he's very good about the house.
10:03All the poetry's gone, but he's got his blackened decca.
10:09You poor love.
10:12And what have you got?
10:15I've got me back against these encyclopedias, Mr. Wainwright.
10:20Oh, and I've got these terrible feelings of guilt.
10:23I'm sure everybody knows.
10:37If there's no almighty, why should one sometimes feel guilty?
10:41What about, Cyril?
10:42I was speaking figuratively.
10:44Oh, come on, Cyril.
10:45You can tell us.
10:47You keep your beady eye on the kite.
10:49I thought you, you mate yourself.
10:51Well, guilty conscience, I thought I know.
10:55What's he feel guilty?
10:56It was merely an observation.
10:58Why should I feel guilty?
11:00That's what I like about the Conservatives.
11:03They've got confidence.
11:04It's not confidence.
11:05I've got faith.
11:07Ah, you cut your foot on me to get it off!
11:09Eh?
11:10Yeah, you'll not be so cocky when you're dead.
11:12Oh, no, we're not, we're dead.
11:14But how do you know when you're dead?
11:16I mean, you yourself, how do you know?
11:17Well, you're expected to take the hint when they bury you.
11:20No, it doesn't make sense when you think about it.
11:23There's a lot to being dead.
11:25It's not something any folk can do.
11:27Elsewhere, there's so many still alive.
11:30You know, I want to be cremated.
11:33Well, why didn't you say something when we were near some fuel?
11:37What do you think is, I'm outlusty.
11:41Possibly.
11:42Then what are you going to do for fans, eh?
11:52Well, what will you do for fans?
11:54I'll not go short.
11:56Go on, you've always been short.
11:58You're a hideous four foot nine.
11:59Of streamlined muscle.
12:03I'll get fans.
12:04You've become the blaything of this wealthy builder's merchant.
12:07Go down the primrose path amidst a welter of rich brass fittings.
12:12You should read these American novels these days.
12:15They're all doing it, searching for something.
12:17Aye, and they'll get something at that rate.
12:19I don't know any builder's merchants.
12:22You do, right?
12:22I don't know.
12:23And I shouldn't get too close to any American novelists either.
12:26Ah, they were that time during the war with Hilda Mason and them three Yanks.
12:32Everybody knew it were rape.
12:34But she were never prosecuted.
12:37Did you read those passages I marked?
12:40That powerful portrayal of human emotion.
12:43Yes, but I don't think I could ever do any of those things, Mr. Wainwright.
12:48If the spirits willing, the actions take care of themselves.
12:52Well, especially with my back the way it's been.
12:56But you still care for me in a support.
13:02You don't know what it means for me at my time of life
13:04to find out that Karl Marx isn't enough?
13:08I'll sit in me furnished room at night,
13:11thinking about you.
13:12Is that right, me old love?
13:15Yes, it must be the Russell and me wellies.
13:22Will you come inside and stop antagonising the management?
13:27Hey, dear, would you think you could have gone to Australia
13:29for ten quid?
13:30We should have had a collection.
13:32Just after it wore when his shirt was cleaner.
13:35Yeah, can't be much cop in Australia.
13:37Early barely come back.
13:39Oh, well then, that's Australia finished, isn't it?
13:41Yeah.
13:42He couldn't stand a beer.
13:44Typical.
13:44The penetrating priorities of the lower orders.
13:47It's a long way to go for a disappointing pint.
13:51What's he doing now?
13:53Drinking Guinness.
13:54For a living.
13:55You'd think so the way he slops it down.
13:58I fancy Canada meself.
14:00In the 230?
14:02No.
14:04Forever, greatie.
14:05I fancy Picatoss in the 230.
14:08Why Canada?
14:10Well, I saw this Janet MacDonald picture.
14:12Well, she isn't Canadian.
14:14No, but she was in Rosemary, and Nelson and Eddie were a mountie.
14:17God save us.
14:19Don't tell us you had this unseemly vision of you as a mountie.
14:22Oh, I don't know.
14:23If they took Nelson and Eddie...
14:25I didn't want to be a mountie.
14:27I thought I might have tried my hand at fur trapping.
14:29Fur trapping?
14:30You?
14:31It's not lying around in coat-sized lumps out there, you know.
14:35It's wrapped around muscle and teeth.
14:37I've done a bit of ferritin.
14:39Can't be all that different.
14:40I can just see his ferrets out there now.
14:43Blowing on their little frozen paws and eyeing this bear with a look of amazement.
14:49Hmm.
14:51Trapper requires unusually aggressive ferrets.
14:56Imported ferret terrorises Quebec.
15:00No cause for alarm, says police chief, as mayor dragged down Rabbit Hole.
15:05Oh, dear.
15:06Well, no.
15:07The new world might have developed all his potential.
15:11Made him a legend among the Eskimo.
15:13Ha-ha!
15:13Got all winter on a skillet of flapjack and beans.
15:18They used to rub noses.
15:20Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy.
15:22I never knew that.
15:26Have you a minute to spare?
15:28I mean, I hate to interrupt this world of activity.
15:31Oh, shove off.
15:32You haven't even done any thoughts.
15:34No wonder you're getting fat.
15:35I ought to be as thin as a rail.
15:38Agreed.
15:38Then he could go and lie down in front of a train.
15:45When are you going to unbomb that drain?
15:47Now, come on, now, before your feet take root.
15:49Look, if there's any little thing I can do for you,
15:51you won't hesitate to ask, will you?
15:53Winter, you're supposed to hibernate.
15:55Winter, not every ruddy afternoon.
15:57Now, come on, it started smelling.
16:00I don't know what might be down there.
16:01It'll be your mother.
16:02She's been through everything else.
16:05It's all right, then, isn't it?
16:07Yes, I do.
16:08Thank God.
16:09Stay for the bell.
16:10Well, you're always in luck, aren't you?
16:13Two meat pies and a flapjack and beans
16:15for powerful beer there.
16:17Ah, three meat pies.
16:19The inventor of the 40-foot ferrant.
16:21Ah, get off.
16:22What's that?
16:22Why not, indeed.
16:24Three peas and how's your lady wife?
16:26Three with sugar and same as bloody usual.
16:31Hey, compo, your missus left here, didn't she?
16:34Ah, she ran off with a fizzing ball.
16:36I suppose it was wartime.
16:38Ah.
16:38You see, there's no happening like that nowadays.
16:41It wasn't all fun.
16:43Six were rational.
16:44Come on.
16:45Come on!
16:46All right, all right, all right, I'm coming.
16:48Go on, get in there.
16:49It's a matter of time.
16:52And where are you sitting?
16:53I'm sitting here.
16:54Must you be scruffy and convivial?
16:57Have you no intonation for separate tables?
16:59All right.
16:59Sit down, compo.
17:01We're all together.
17:01Ah, the camaraderie of the ageing redundant cuts across all social classes.
17:07Have you seen him eat a meat pie?
17:09Hey, give us a faggot, I'll give you a flash of me gums.
17:15Well, it's horrible.
17:17Close your eyes and just listen to his acoustics.
17:21A multidimensional nerve-grating stereo.
17:24It's got a lot of lip for somebody who come from Steve Street as me.
17:28It's not where you're born, it's what you do with it.
17:30As far as I can recollect, you could never do anything with it.
17:35Your mother wouldn't let you play with lasses.
17:37Ah, she mistrusted them.
17:39Ever since you saw your grandma, that white-haired old lady, duffing up policemen.
17:44Only when she were drunk.
17:47It's destiny.
17:48Fate that brings us together.
17:51Redundancy.
17:52You can't fight forces like that.
17:54They just don't care that your mother used to eat insurance men
17:58and that yours was struggling to bring you up nicely as a little poof.
18:04Well, she never succeeded.
18:06No, but you must admit she tried.
18:08We were all very worried when we saw you in them sailor suits.
18:11It was a muster in those days for many children to wear sailor suits.
18:15Well, I never had one.
18:16I find that surprising.
18:17Your mother knew enough sailors.
18:22We was poor.
18:24We were all poor.
18:25Ah, but we was poor and scruffy.
18:27I remember.
18:29I used to walk around without any gloves and hands in pockets.
18:32Usually mine.
18:34He used to keep his pocket money in a purse.
18:36I didn't keep it long when you were about.
18:38Eh, I used to wait for him outside school when he crept out of needlework.
19:12Oh, well, I'm just...
19:13lives. We've got time to look at things. What things? Everything. What's he on about, eh?
19:22He means we ought to be trying to find out what it's all about, what we're doing here.
19:27Well, we're waiting for your cruddy vests on the planet, what it all means. After we've got your
19:49vests. The other one had to let me down, I'd have won 14 chopping quid on Picatoss yesterday.
19:57Are you determined to end life as you started it? Dead ignorant? I know it's a family tradition,
20:04but you can carry things too far. Stick with us, kid. We'll broaden your mind.
20:10Then and I, you see, he's asking questions already.
20:19Watch it below! He loves that little chimney down! Look at him! He's been in the street off-world 30
20:28years and it's back! You know, it gets quite exhausted all this train about.
20:38You go careful, Campo. There have been some terrible injuries in low railing jumping circles.
20:44What have you ever contributed to the world, eh? Go on, tell us. A jumping pole took my mission.
20:51How much more do I owe? Timber!
21:00You're hopeless! Oh, I don't know. He might have been Fidel Castro if he'd been born in Cuba,
21:06and given the revolution a whole new dimension in the way of wellies and bacon sandwiches.
21:12Do you believe in anything? What, you say? I said, do you believe in anything?
21:16Ha ha ha! I believe it's your turn for fans!
21:19Ha ha ha!
21:27Yeah, nobody believes it out these days.
21:30Well, I do. Yeah, great.
21:31But ah, eh? Does the almighty mend his broken mind so I wonder somewhere?
21:37Well, do you believe that? I don't know. I believe if I was God, I'd have stopped the
21:41popper in the garden in my greenhouse. I wouldn't have taken us off then.
21:45Well, there must be something. Why, there's got to be something stronger than the unions.
21:50How could anybody believe in miracles? It's very popular. You want to listen to the
21:55workers formulating a few demands. Well, I know why he believes. He's convinced that God's a Tory.
22:01Heyo, if God comes in over all, there'll be some sulky faces in church.
22:07I still say that he's scared to go near a church.
22:11Why do we need to go inside? It's painless. You don't have to wash or anything.
22:16It wouldn't make any difference. What are you getting nervous for?
22:19Who's nervous? Well, come on then.
22:23Look at you. Anybody are thinking we're a shareholder.
22:38Well, it's all right to pass smoke out here, ain't you?
22:40Well, you'll be all right. They used to burn more than that.
22:43It's all very well being cocky out on the streets, but I want to see you when we get inside.
22:49Why, what goes off? What goes off?
22:51You'll come out all in one piece. It's not as if it was a synagogue.
22:55Nothing goes off. There's no service on you.
22:57Well, just go inside, sit down in the quiet and listen.
23:01Won't you? To your own thoughts, that's all.
23:05Oh, I can hear them out here.
23:06But they'll be different inside. That's the whole point.
23:10At least, I hope they'll be different.
23:13You don't have to go in now. Maybe you'd rather come back when you're dead.
23:38You don't have to sign me in.
23:39Hey, Giocia.
23:40Shh, shh, shh, shh. Don't you have to sign me in?
24:01Shhh.
24:01Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
24:13Is somebody buried under there?
24:36Is somebody buried under there?
24:41Is somebody buried under there?
25:14Is somebody buried under there?
25:17Is somebody buried under there?
25:18Is somebody buried under there?
25:45Is that cold?
25:47That eagle, is it made of cold?
25:49No!
25:57No!
26:05No!
26:06No!
26:07No!
26:08No!
26:13No!
26:40I saw a mad organist, weren't you, in the picture?
26:42It's no good if you're going to fidget.
26:44Didn't you feel anything?
26:46Ah, we knows what itching.
26:47Bolly church inside.
26:49It's beautiful.
26:50And is that all you can say?
26:52Your nose was itching.
26:53Well, I like that eagle.
26:55You see, Cyril, he's felt the first little brass ferret of devotion.
26:59Come on.
27:00Time I was old.
27:07All it wants is a bit of putty, a dab of paint.
27:10I heard you.
27:11Well, why don't you do something about it?
27:13What, like praying to go deaf?
27:15Him next door gets things done.
27:17Well, I'd do things for her.
27:18Well, I shan't stand in your way.
27:20I'm just glad to see you getting any sort of exercise.
27:23I'll bet she's got more to offer than a thousand and one jolly jobs about the home.
27:26Well, you live in it, don't you?
27:28In it?
27:28I've been in it ever since we threw caution to the wind, that night behind the baths.
27:31Aye, and that's another thing.
27:32That bathroom once paid for it.
27:34Oh, hell.
27:37Ah, we lived on drinking for years.
27:40Nourishing up to a point.
27:41I have a very clear recollection of the depression.
27:44It was just here.
27:45He did it with an outsized marble in a catapult.
27:49What wounded me even more, however, was the knowledge that he was aided and abetted by Delphine Hackett's nickel elastic.
27:57Ah, we were just good friends.
27:59It's a bonny world still.
28:01Must make it easier to have faith in something.
28:03It's all right, some.
28:05But consider the taped worm.
28:07All that time in somebody's lower intestine.
28:11How's that for environment, hmm?
28:13Can you see them?
28:14Singing, bless this house, in reedy, worm-like voices.
28:19But it's like worms.
28:21In dark alleys, I suppose.
28:22Keeps her hand in waiting for grizzlies.
28:27It's an open question, life.
28:29Anything's possible.
28:31I mean, what do we really know about anything?
28:34Maybe we're already dead.
28:36That's what?
28:37Maybe we had to die to get here, from some other place.
28:41Oh, give us a fuck before I get headache.
28:45So this is heaven, then?
28:47Oh, the other place?
28:49Well, it can't be the other place.
28:50Why not?
28:51Well, in Yorkshire.
28:52It'd be further south, wouldn't it?
28:55I'm gonna die.
28:57I'm gonna die.
28:58I'm gonna die.
29:02I'm gonna die.
29:05I'm gonna die.
29:07I'm gonna die.
29:08I'm gonna die.
29:08I'm gonna die.
29:08Our Martin Shore week continues at nine,
29:11when Judge John Deed's time on his therapist's couch,
29:14hots up.
29:15Next, though, on UK TV drama Daytime,
29:18the House of Elliot find there's a downside to their spring collection success
29:22that even a good seamstress can't alter.