- 2 days ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S01 Ep3 Pate And Chips
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00:20Oh, he's late again. I knew it. He's not only unsafe, he's unfunctual as well.
00:25It's a bit early for Compo. He's not had the practice of getting off to work like we used to
00:31have.
00:31Oh, there you are. Ah, come on in. I can't stand people who've pratt about the crack of early morning
00:37thinking.
00:38Oh, it'll be a minute. You'd think he'd unglue himself from his tutty blankets on an occasion like this, wouldn't
00:44you?
00:45Especially since he's made the arrangements and it's his relative who's picking us up, who's also late, you'll notice.
00:50Oh, stop looking at you. What? I'll bet he's another shifty, Simonite.
00:54I'll bet you'd be a misery if you had to hire out rowing boats.
01:01Oh, they're all the same, Mislot. Drain on the economy.
01:05If you've ever been near his feet, you'll know when I say drain. I mean drain.
01:09It's all right. There's a sort of luminous quality to the seat of his trousers.
01:14And you must admit, he does wear a funny hat.
01:17I think there's still a place in this country for people who wear funny hats.
01:20And he's good when it comes to cleaning my bike.
01:22When does he ever clean your bike?
01:24He doesn't, but you can always count on him for a bit of rag.
01:27Well, of course you can. That's his suit.
01:30I only hope he's smarting himself up a bit this morning, that's all.
01:34I know it's a stately home, but we're only visiting.
01:37I knew it'd only inflame your feudal tendencies.
01:40Well, they don't want any scruffy peasant loping over their reduced circumstances.
01:44But I only hope that relative of his has some manners as well.
01:47Though I fear the worst.
01:49Being a member of his family should be a notifiable industrial disease.
01:53Put your sandwiches in here.
01:54It'll give an executive air to the day.
01:57There we are.
01:58What have you brought, by the way?
02:00Cheese.
02:00Oh, really?
02:01I bought a little patty myself.
02:03Cyril, you've a tendency to go very reader's digest.
02:15There's no pleasure lying to bed like it used to be when I was supposed to be at work.
02:20Just look at him.
02:21He looks like cardboard in the rain.
02:24My lady's got up.
02:25Yes, right up my nostrils.
02:28Where is it optional for stately homes, you know?
02:30You don't have to wear them.
02:31I've cleaned them, they're clean.
02:33I walk through every puddle.
02:34And all fours, by the look of it.
02:37Couldn't you've got dressed up just for once?
02:39Oh, you cheeky bat.
02:41I am dressed.
02:42What do you think this is?
02:43Some sort of tourniquet, I imagine.
02:46Oh, I stand stuffy.
02:48Oh, I wouldn't recommend it.
02:49Not till you've loosened this a bit.
02:51You know, I think I liked you better before you were purple.
02:54Yeah, well, it's the last time I get dressed up, Duke or no Duke.
02:58I put this on special.
02:59And at no small risk.
03:00Because if this is round your neck, what we ask ourselves is holding your trousers up.
03:08Huh?
03:08Somebody's clothesline.
03:10Mrs. Batty's.
03:11Sentimental value.
03:12Yeah, well, I thought I'd wear it next to me skin.
03:15Nice.
03:16He's thieved it.
03:17Well, she refused point blank to discuss her knicker elastic.
03:23Well, nobody spoke, is it?
03:25Oh.
03:26Well, I mean, just because we're having a day out, there's no need to get niggly with the nicotine.
03:31And he hasn't even shaved.
03:33They dress like that for the French Revolution.
03:35If the Duke's at home, he'll think you're swarming him, not visiting him.
03:39Well, I hope they've bought their own sandwiches.
03:42These will not go round.
03:45They'll not go round in public, I hope.
03:48Here, put them in here to keep them out of sight.
03:51And don't you dare ask for them when anybody's looking.
03:54If all goes well, you can rendezvous secretly and pass them over in the gents.
04:00What have you got in here?
04:01Potted meat.
04:02Have you left it in the jar?
04:04So, Scott Taffy.
04:06Well, he should get to the doctor's instead of spreading it about.
04:11I'll tell you who he's not about, your relative.
04:13Where is he, then?
04:14Well, our ship, he'll be here when he's ready.
04:17They've got kids to look after, you know.
04:18They ain't got all day to punch about like us.
04:21Wife, kids are not free to pick up.
04:23Must have a decent-sized car, anyway.
04:26Is it possible that one of his lot should have given up the family tradition of worthlessness?
04:30Been accidentally overexposed to a broadcast on behalf of the Conservative Party.
04:34I wonder if he'll bring party.
04:38Come on, let's go wait for him down at the cafe.
04:41Aye, come on. What with your feet and them ferrets.
04:44Yeah, stretch me legs.
04:45I feel as though I've been sleeping with them in a reef now.
04:49Yuck.
04:52Suppose we miss him altogether.
04:54He'll no way to bite us.
04:55I told him if we were late, we'd be in since cafe.
04:58Compose yourself, Cyril.
05:00I haven't seen you like this since you were approached by that Jehovah's Witness.
05:03I'll get them now and again.
05:05I know, I've seen you scratching.
05:07Jehovah's Witnesses!
05:08Oh!
05:09They don't bother.
05:10That's about all I do get calling this house these days.
05:14Then when that lot what keeps coming and taking back me telly.
05:17I've no time to be stood on the front doorstep discussing biblical criticism.
05:23Especially with old hands who are notoriously swift with the watch tower.
05:27What puzzles me when I think about life?
05:30Where does all that fluff come from that gathers in your navel?
05:36You understand that, like Hudson's Bakery.
05:39Local bloody landmark.
05:41Are you going to shift or do I have to go to council for a bloody demolition order?
05:45Why don't you go to night school instead of learn euthanasia, you bloody thief?
05:48Oh, go on, get lost.
05:52We're only half open.
05:54All right, give us three half cups of tea.
05:57Sid!
05:59Here, keep your ballers off.
06:00Oh, I ain't had any breakfast.
06:02Do you ever?
06:03Mmm.
06:03Foot tops have a bit of dripping.
06:05Would you believe it?
06:061973.
06:07The age of the computer and it's still eating dripping.
06:10Well, they don't know what they're missing.
06:12Gravies are dying, huh?
06:13Well, some people are getting mouths double please.
06:19Oh, you're early this morning, you lot, aren't you?
06:21Ah, we're having a day out.
06:22We're going to Cup and Dyke Hall.
06:24Ah.
06:24If somebody I know's relative gets round to picking us up.
06:28Have they got to need dripping, Sid?
06:30That went out with the depression.
06:32No, Sid went out with the depression.
06:34Then he goes and marries it.
06:36It's not far along either.
06:38Wish I could get a day out now and again.
06:40Do you know, I never go out on my own, me.
06:41Come on, Sid, don't exaggerate.
06:43What about national service?
06:51Come on, Abbie.
06:53Come on, Abbie.
06:55You've woken him up, Sid.
06:56He shouldn't be.
06:57Not with all that swill inside him.
06:59I could hear him slushing every time he went round the corner.
07:02He's just like his dad, a 14-pinter.
07:05He's a 14-pinter, eh?
07:08Come on, Abbie.
07:11They must be in the cafe.
07:12Come on, Abbie.
07:15I've been meaning to talk to you, Connie, about wearing longer dresses.
07:19You'll go and bite if I do.
07:21All right, you.
07:22Come on, in the back.
07:23Come on.
07:25Come on.
07:26What's the dog?
07:28Come on.
07:29Right.
07:30And how was they able to build places like Copperdike Hall by plundering poor folk like me?
07:36You can plunder him all day long and all you get was itchy.
07:39We were a big house in the army.
07:41Glass house?
07:42No, it weren't like that at all.
07:43It was like a castle.
07:45And little tiny windows and dark corners.
07:47Oh, Barbara Castle.
07:51Well, we had to guard it.
07:53That must have been a sight.
07:54You want battlements?
07:55At the training centre for army tarpists.
07:58By hell.
07:59You were there, weren't you?
08:00Right where the action was thickest.
08:02Army tarpists.
08:04You old war horse.
08:05Your ears still twitch at the sound of the mast olivetties.
08:09Well, I didn't have to be ported there.
08:10I wanted to be near me mate.
08:12Well, where'd he got to?
08:13Hospital.
08:13He had deformed feet.
08:16What a war record.
08:18Fancy pitting that against the master race.
08:20Well, we won, didn't we?
08:21No thanks to you.
08:22Oh, be fair, Cyril.
08:23Maybe his mate was the brains behind the second front.
08:25Maybe he was sitting up in bed plotting strategy.
08:29Scratching his deformed feet.
08:30Oh, but he had a good thing going with black market petrol.
08:34He used to buy it off the Yanks then flog it to this vicar
08:37who was trying to combat sin within the regions of the American airfields.
08:42And he didn't know how to cope with it on his bicycle.
08:45Lucky for you he didn't come face to face with the enemy.
08:47We had some jerry prisoners billeted near the big house.
08:50I know.
08:51Close combat stories now, eh?
08:53One of them built me a crucifix out of a bullet.
08:56They were alright.
08:58They were better than our sergeants, I tell you that.
09:00Where was he from?
09:02Wales.
09:03Oh, well.
09:04I'd give it to a bird in the village.
09:07But it was no good.
09:09It didn't get me anywhere.
09:10You know.
09:11They were getting too much stuff off the Yanks.
09:14If you didn't have a flaming oil well or a ranch,
09:17you didn't stand a chance at all.
09:19So we had to go back to Lucy.
09:20She was our Corporal Cook.
09:22She had blood all down her apron.
09:25And you wouldn't imagine the things she could do with a whistle.
09:30Hello, dearie.
09:31Hello, dearie.
09:31How are you?
09:33Don't go out just yet.
09:34She's changing her nappy.
09:36It's a terrifying sight.
09:37How's the birdie then?
09:38Alright.
09:39Multiplying.
09:40Dad, can I have some ice cream from the dog?
09:42No, you can't.
09:43Go out, buddy, kid.
09:44Get back in the van.
09:45Van?
09:46I didn't get a right look at him, but I think he were one of ours.
09:48They usually are.
09:50Oh, great.
09:51Dripping.
09:54That's all, Chip.
09:56I'll do.
09:58Come on, Abbie.
09:59Alright, come on, you lot.
10:00In you go.
10:01Come on.
10:01Hurry up and get in.
10:02Come on, you lot.
10:03Abbie, come on.
10:04Watch me.
10:05Sit there, Tim.
10:06Alright, you're there.
10:08Oh, really?
10:11Mind that dog.
10:11He eats clothes.
10:12I'm not kidding.
10:13Cordero even.
10:14He's supposed to eat rabbits, but no chance.
10:15Not unless he finds one in a tracksuit.
10:17Mind the doors.
10:20Oh, he's a lovely boy.
10:22We've got none, you know.
10:23All I can do is mother him.
10:25He's not one of ours.
10:26We've got a van full.
10:28Yeah, right.
10:29He's not but a big kid himself.
10:31Oh, they're all alike, love.
10:33Say goodbye to your auntie, Abbie.
10:34Take care, then.
10:38If I had my way, we'd all be sterilised.
10:43Oh, my darling.
10:45I'm so greedy.
10:47Oh, my gum, please.
11:05Hey, my dad!
11:07Come on, this guy!
11:09Come on, you exposed him!
11:10Thank you, Dan, have you won?
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23Let's go to the street! Come on!
11:25LAUGHTER
11:29LAUGHTER
11:29LAUGHTER
11:29Stop them, Chip! They'll fall in!
11:31They won't fall in.
11:32I've had them playing on the roof and everything. You can't get rid of them.
11:35Hey, you kids! Don't go too near the water now.
11:38I bet he hasn't even got a licence for it.
11:40What, for biting her ear?
11:42Road fund licence.
11:43I told you, it's expired.
11:46Well, I expect it slipped his mind.
11:48Since 1967.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:52There's a good dog, Abbie.
11:56MUSIC
11:58MUSIC
11:58MUSIC
12:01MUSIC
12:01MUSIC
12:02MUSIC
12:30MUSIC
12:32Of course, and this would be completely outside my experience
12:35had I not once been inside the area offices of the National Coal Board.
12:39You can feel the sense of history. It's marvellous.
12:43I bet they've got marsh.
12:52That is a constable.
12:54There must be C.R.D. in that outfit.
12:58There is a policewoman.
13:00I knew a policewoman sergeant in Huddersfield with a face like that.
13:04A painting by constable, you tatty Herbert.
13:07She threw me out of a boozer.
13:10You've had an interesting life.
13:13Yes, he has. Never wasted anything on work, did he?
13:24They call her Muriel.
13:26Who told you that?
13:28She did. This policewoman sergeant, she was sat on me chair
13:32outside this boozer, and she said they'd call me Muriel.
13:36Robbies. He's talking Robbies.
13:38She fancied you.
13:39I think she did.
13:41Out of all them fellas in the pub,
13:42it was you that she selected to toss out on the pavement.
13:45I thought,
13:47I hope, compo, that's going to be here all night.
13:49That's the cachipter, so I snatched her whistle.
13:53Do you know, I'd never have thought of that.
13:55I'd just come to me.
13:56He's a bigger liar than...
13:58No, no, no. It's a very touching little story, Cyril.
14:01He was touched, all right.
14:02I've seen him flapping his arms and trying to fly off the wash house.
14:06Shows grit.
14:07Scientific curiosity.
14:09Shows grit, all right.
14:10A face full.
14:10Yeah, well, I had all in me jersey.
14:12You've always had all in your jersey.
14:15On a dewy morning, it looked like a spider's web.
14:18There was a time when I had the scientific curiosity during old Fosdyke's lessons.
14:23I was very impressed by the behaviour of iron filings.
14:27All them invisible patterns in the air.
14:30It makes you think,
14:31maybe the Almighty's got a plan after all.
14:35Or is he just passing the time,
14:37embroidering his doily?
14:38He's got a plan after all.
14:39Anyway...
14:40...
15:07...
15:17Hey!
15:47Oh, it's you two.
15:53In years to come, archaeologists round here may discover traces of a folk culture based upon greyhounds and extramarital sex.
16:02Well, the aristocracy certainly knew how to live.
16:04Eh, this stupid pillock knows how to live. You just keep breathing in and out.
16:10You, it's just a habit. You can break it if you tried.
16:14I was referring to style, you evil goblin.
16:17Here, that's what I've seen him. Squatting on toadstools, being unpleasant to fairies.
16:22Here it is.
16:24Style, refinement, culture.
16:26What he means is they all used to loll about in their golden wellies.
16:30Look, all I need is money.
16:31Never.
16:32You're not telling me that if you had money you could produce a place like this?
16:36I'd be satisfied if he bought his own fangs.
16:38It's easy. You just pick up a food and order a palace.
16:42Hey, that'll fetch Mrs. Basset running, eh?
16:46I wouldn't want it like this any road.
16:48I'd have some rinked pigeon pictures up there for a start.
16:52You can see it, can't you? A betting shop and cinema school.
16:54The only bloke in England with ferrets on his crest.
16:58Yes, I shall clap my hands and order Mrs. Basset to be brought before my golden throne.
17:04I'll give her a whole wing.
17:06I'll give you three guesses who'd get Parsons' nose.
17:10She'd be after me then with Mrs. Basset, eh?
17:14For I put it to her street.
17:16As soon as she'd finish cursing, I'd say,
17:18Righto, Nora, come on, let's be knowing.
17:20How much dry are you for this clothesline?
17:22Oh, get off.
17:25Wrong century.
17:26That's my trouble, you see.
17:28Born too late for the age of elegance.
17:30Why don't you save up and become a poof?
17:45Oh, certain rumblings in the catering trade.
17:49The dog won't bite.
17:51But if you feed in the kids, watch your fingers.
17:53Especially this one, he's got teeth like his mother.
17:56Look, look, she can't keep her hands off me.
17:58Ah, we're all sexpots, us Simonites.
18:02We know.
18:02Look at your Albert.
18:04Ah, well, that were a mistake.
18:06He thought he knew her.
18:07Well, couldn't he shake hands like anybody else?
18:09All right, you kids, go on, off you go and play.
18:11Sean, take the babies for a walk.
18:12All right, come on, then.
18:13If you're still hungry, give him some grass.
18:14Don't go near the water now.
18:16You stay with your Uncle Conk.
18:17Oh, go on, lad.
18:18Go on, you're good.
18:20Ah!
18:21Here.
18:22There you are, Julian.
18:23There you see your first man's eating patty.
18:27That's potted meat for Tories.
18:30She breeds like a duck, but she's kept her figure, eh?
18:32I should have kept it away from you.
18:34I can't stand for her to obliterate the ends of paragraphs with HP sauce.
18:40Have you finished here, there, new lot?
18:42Well, we have if you're going to get violent.
18:44Well, take your mucky mess with you.
18:47You make a right bounce of that one.
18:48Must be the Duchess.
18:51Hey, Duchess, don't forget he's with us, the nose.
18:55I shall deny it, whoever you are.
19:01Where's the father?
19:03He ought to be doing this.
19:04They've got up on their own.
19:06They don't get much time on their own.
19:08They get quite enough by the look of this lot.
19:10Julian, wash your hands.
19:12Not on my coat.
19:14There's a good lad.
19:15Use your hanky.
19:16Oh, not on there.
19:17Oh, my God.
19:18I sure am whittling, Cyril.
19:21Hold the water.
19:28What did he say?
19:30Oh, now he wants to be picked up.
19:32Well, pick him up.
19:33There's plenty of places you can use for handle.
19:37Come on, then.
19:38Hey, up.
19:38Gear up.
19:39Oh, dear.
19:41How can he be hungry after eating all that lot?
19:44How's the baby?
19:45Seems nice enough.
19:46But I think they're more attractive when they've got all their fur.
19:50This is no way to see a stately home.
19:53He, he's itchy, looky.
19:55I don't know where he puts it.
19:57I can tell you where he puts it.
19:58All down my trouser leg.
20:00They're completely out of control, these children.
20:03And when they get a piece of string, they put it on the dog.
20:06Well, skin's funny stuff when you think about it.
20:09We start it off like animals, but we're going to finish up more like fruit.
20:14In summary, there is a set of six chairs of Chippendale pattern, closely following the pattern in that cabinetmaker's own
20:23book, The Director, published in 1754.
20:27The earlier periods of Oak and Walnut are represented by a fine set of six Dutch chairs.
20:33Come on, just a moment.
20:35Let me remind you of Ollie Aspinall, went to night school, studied to improve himself, and finally became a first
20:40-class pratt.
20:41Shh!
20:44This staircase gives on to the family's own private quarters whilst in residence.
20:49The present Earl is a man of wide cultural and sporting interests, and a...
20:55Aha!
20:56One moment.
20:57Just a moment, Your Lordship, I have a key.
21:04Just one moment, Your Lordship.
21:09Sean, give me a moment, Your Lordship.
21:11It's...
21:12It's these keys.
21:14I keep telling them it's obviously ought to be marked.
21:18But we don't always get the same set.
21:21The housekeepers get their fingers in them.
21:23I'm coming as fast as I can, Your Lordship.
21:27Honestly, she thinks she owns the place.
21:30She gets away with it because certain parties fancies her.
21:34Well, you should see where she's allowed to park.
21:37We've got to leave our cars where the great snorting British public can swarm all over them.
21:43Ah!
21:44Ah!
21:45Now, will you move back, please?
21:48Just move back a little bit.
21:49Give us a little bit of Albert, Rome.
21:50Come on.
21:51Get back, lad.
21:51That's it.
21:52That's it.
21:53Come on, Albert.
21:59I should fetch a shovel, old lad.
22:01He's cracked all over at Carpey.
22:09No idea how to behave on ducal premises.
22:11Come on, have a double.
22:12Since he's still in slapper his head.
22:14Oh, give over.
22:15No idea.
22:20Oh, they're coming.
22:22Hello.
22:23Hello.
22:23Oh, it's there for kids.
22:24I'm not going in there.
22:25No.
22:25Come on, I'm not going to die.
22:27Yeah, like, take care of books.
22:28Come on.
22:30What would a lass like you do for another barley wine?
22:33Nothing.
22:34Now, think twice before you make a decision like that.
22:36It's too important for snap judgments.
22:39Well, it's been a change.
22:40It's been a catastrophe.
22:42A humiliation.
22:43Economical, though.
22:44It don't cost much.
22:45Well, I enjoyed it.
22:46Out in fresh air.
22:47Fresh air?
22:48You've been swilling ale for the past two hours.
22:51Here, put your sleeve in here.
22:53He may put your arm in there.
22:55Stop waving it about.
22:57I can insert the old arm.
22:58Thank you very much.
23:00Here, I'll get Chip to run us all bask up a dark woods.
23:04All right, Chip.
23:05All right, come for.
23:06Yeah.
23:06Yeah, there was a time when I knew every inch of them woods.
23:09And the shortest way through Rosemary Sutcliffe.
23:12Well, everybody knew that.
23:14Well, I didn't.
23:15Everybody normal.
23:16I was perfectly normal.
23:18Thank you very much.
23:19I remember during the war I had plenty of offers.
23:22But I swear to an oath to be faithful to Anne Shelton.
23:28And while the others were out carousing, I was sitting in my little binet, playing her records.
23:33Oh, you stupid pillock.
23:35Well, you wouldn't understand.
23:37You never had any finer feelings.
23:38I've had finer feelings than that.
23:41She didn't even know you existed.
23:43Oh, yes, she did.
23:44I wrote to her.
23:45And one Monday night, on the Forces program, she sang My Yiddishamoma just for me.
23:52Ah, it's pathetic.
23:54It was a beautiful relationship.
23:56Do you know that I went into battle with her letter on me person?
24:00She wrote to you?
24:01Yes.
24:02The letter said, dear listener.
24:04And the dear was on the line.
24:06The trouble was, I was torn between her and Anne Ziegler.
24:09Why, didn't you fancy Webster Booth?
24:13You know what it's like when peace comes, you drift apart.
24:18The trouble was, they spoilt me for other women.
24:21Her down at the rates office seemed very lacklustre by comparison.
24:25Of course, there was the usual physical things.
24:28You know what it's like in wartime.
24:29Yeah, same as peacetime, only darker.
24:33The night before battle, one's thought drifted towards...
24:37Desertion.
24:38Brief episodes of the flesh.
24:40Medical inspection.
24:41Ah, but what did you feel when you got to tropics?
24:45I had prickly heat.
24:47Oh, very romantic.
24:50A giant moon and him scratching his butt.
24:54Just think, Cyril, if it weren't for the war,
24:57you'd have given up all the golden moments of your youth
25:00for a life of dedication in the service of the Huddersfield Coke and Gas Company.
25:04Well, I was thinking into the pension.
25:05Oh, you reckless son!
25:09Anyway, I was perfectly normal.
25:11Well, in them plus fours...
25:13Well, they were considered very smart in those days, especially in my set.
25:16Your set?
25:18You mean that spotty kid that worked for tram companies?
25:20His father had a car!
25:22Very rare in them days.
25:23You should have seen it.
25:24Looks like somebody's shed.
25:26You must have been a right young blood in those days, Cyril.
25:29With your little dash and your first drill bit.
25:32Soon passes, don't it?
25:33Aye.
25:34You don't get a lot of time given for being 19.
25:42I'll be over the hatch, I'll be over the hatch.
25:50Hey, who's in?
25:52Get out of here!
25:54Get out!
25:55Oh!
25:55Oh!
25:56Get out of here!
25:57Get out of here!
25:58Take it easy!
25:58Drive, careful!
26:00Stop!
26:00Drive, keep!
26:02Drive, keep!
26:03That's it!
26:04All of us!
26:05Drive, keep!
26:05Oh, ho, ho, ho!
26:08Here!
26:09Time for you and our road!
26:10No, no!
26:12One, one foot road!
26:16Here's wishing me every success with my daily treble and Mrs. Mattis.
26:21In that order?
26:23No, not necessarily.
26:29Here's to me brother-in-law, who shows deep tact and understanding by keeping out on me way.
26:42Ah.
26:43Well, here's to the lady that managed the naffy in Oswestry during the war.
26:49The one with the glasses.
26:51laughter
27:03From a stately home to Mandela House, delusions of grandeur and Only Fools and Horses, tonight at nine, over on
27:09UK TV Gold.
27:11For pre-plonker Rodney, look no further, because he's in Butterflies next.
27:15music plays
27:17music plays
27:19music plays