- 2 days ago
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00:27You smell that love is in the air.
00:30Just like this sign we spent all night making, I've never been prouder of anything that we've ever...
00:35What the fuck, bro?
00:37Oh my God, it's getting hit!
00:39Oh my God!
00:42Don't worry, ladies. There's six of me to go around.
00:46I went directly at it.
00:48Here you are, my valentine. Five shots of espresso with a drop of water.
00:53We've been officially dating one day, and you already know my favorite drink is a short Americano?
00:58Also known as a Danny DeVito.
01:00And I love to eat it with a low-fat yogurt parfait, blueberries only, and with a bamboo spoon because,
01:05you know, the earth is dying.
01:07Uh, der.
01:10Harriet with Toussaint? Matching shirts? Matching coffees?
01:15Oh no! My ex-girl has a new boy!
01:18And it's valentine's day!
01:20Blake!
01:21Abs, be strong!
01:23We can't let her see our pain!
01:25No! Dominic!
01:27Roman, come back!
01:28Hobbs!
01:28Shaw!
01:29No!
01:29Lenny Ortiz!
01:31Just go, Leon.
01:55Oh, that was awesome!
01:58Did you see Betsy Ross on the trampoline? I think she wants to run her flag up your flagpole.
02:03Not gonna happen, Abe. From this day forward, I only want to use my pee-pee for pee-pee!
02:11God knows you want a fresh start, JFK. All you have to do is accept this purity ring and put
02:17your relationship with him first.
02:19And you can do that at our upcoming celibacy ceremony. Something we like to call a...
02:24celimony.
02:25Amen!
02:27JFK, being celibate will change who you are!
02:30No, it'll make me who I've always been. I forgot that Kennedys aren't just horny sex machines. We're also super
02:36-devout Catholics!
02:37You're really gonna choose religion over us? Of course not!
02:41Nothing could possibly come between us boys! So help me God!
02:47God! Whoa! God! God! God! Greg...
02:48So many things are literally coming between us!
02:51God! God! God! God!
02:56That little shit!
02:59That little shit!
03:00It's already all over the school! Butters is trying to humiliate you.
03:03What the hell did I do to him?
03:05Well, you did kind of use him.
03:07I didn't use him. He wanted to buy me all of boo-boo!
03:10You should go tell the principal, Red. They said if anyone made these kind of videos of other students, they'd
03:15call the police!
03:16I don't need to tell the principal. There's going to be a big assembly this afternoon. I'll get Butters back
03:22myself.
03:26All right, everyone, listen up. As you know, most of your brains have been sucked void of common sense by
03:30the woke radical left. And so today's topic is about having some pride in America's heritage.
03:37What the hell? They took it down. We were all going to win and they took down our bets.
03:45How could the app company do that? I got in at 9 to 1 odds. This is b-b-bullshit.
03:51Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.
03:54Guys! For the love of God!
03:59Well, Cartman, I just want to say thanks.
04:03You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.
04:08Oh, that's all right, Cal. I'm just happy the bet got taken down.
04:12And now none of those sickos can profit off of what your mom does.
04:16How can I lie down?
04:29Hello?
04:32What is this place? What is going on?
04:36We're the bleacher creatures.
04:38Roll call! My name is Topher. I am an ally. Nobody likes me. I do not know why.
04:45My name is Ivan, and I am terrible.
04:49Okay, okay, stop, stop. I don't need a roll call song. Thank you. I just want to know what you're
04:53doing down here.
04:54We are the outcasts. The misfits.
04:57I'm Jackie the Ripper. Nice to meet you, Mary.
05:01I'm actually, I'm Joan.
05:03Everyone thinks that Jack the Ripper was a man, but it was me, a lady with a lust for blood
05:09and male art.
05:11Men aren't the only serial killers. Right, Lizzie Borden?
05:14Affirmative!
05:15And you can be one of us.
05:17I haven't fallen that far.
05:19Oh, come on, Joan. You're a clone alone. You're clearly craving companionship. You have no friends.
05:26Thanks?
05:27Being a bleacher is a hoot. We're about to select our logo.
05:30We've got the Anarchy A's. Classic, but is it played out? Satanist vibe, maybe a little preachy. Dripping with blood,
05:38dripping with irony, and all of our butts.
05:41We're gonna tag the winning design all over school, so let's get it right, Mary's.
05:45Joan, if you join our little group of pariahs, you get a vote.
05:48Ah, can I think about it?
05:50Of course. We just need you to sign our nondisclosure agreement.
05:54We're very litigious.
05:58Learning doesn't happen by reading books. It happens by experiencing the world.
06:03Oh, I've never had a favorite teacher before. He sees something in me, and that makes me feel special.
06:07I just want more points.
06:09Outdated teaching methods. That's the problem with these urban schools that you poor, underprivileged teens have to attend.
06:15We live in the suburbs. Our school's very well-funded.
06:19You just don't like him because you're a rule follower, and he's a rule breaker.
06:23Yeah, you're by the book, and he likes to burn the books.
06:26Books are sort of famously a bad thing to burn.
06:29Five points for anyone who helps me burn these books.
06:31I found some worth this old kindling.
06:34That's my science project.
06:36Oh, I got some gasoline.
06:38I got some matches.
06:39Confucius, no!
06:40Babe, I need the points.
06:43What?
06:44Oop, fire is spreading. I'll get some water.
06:46No, come on. Books tell you to fight fire with water.
06:49And books can go to hell.
06:53The fire just doubled in size.
06:55Therefore, it'll burn out doubly fast, which is why we fight fire with fire.
07:00That's our time. See you tomorrow.
07:01Am I the only one who thinks this guy is dangerous at all?
07:04You're not alone.
07:06It's all over to him.
07:08I never thanked you for having my back in class yesterday.
07:10Like my clone father, I would give my life for a righteous cause.
07:14Therefore, it is I who has to thank you for giving me purpose.
07:17Harriet Tubman.
07:19Oh, my.
07:20Oh, my as well.
07:23Why is the forest on fire?
07:25This isn't the western United States.
07:28Or is it?
07:30Welcome to my cool office.
07:34You know, Cartman is an uncaring, bigoted, intolerant asshole.
07:37But I have to admit, I had my own prejudice about gingers.
07:40I think we all need to realize that everyone is different in one way or another.
07:43And we shouldn't be threatened by those differences.
07:45I mean, Cartman actually had me kind of creeped out that gingers were gonna come get me in the night.
07:54Oh, hey there.
08:00You guys need anything?
08:06Let's just...
08:07Let's just walk this way.
08:13More ginger kids.
08:15Uh, maybe we should just go home.
08:18Yeah.
08:18Good idea.
08:27What the hell do they want?
08:28Ah!
08:29Kitty!
08:30Run, dude!
08:31Run!
08:39Huh?
08:40J...
08:41Ginger kids.
08:42Ah!
08:43Ah!
08:43Clyde!
08:44What is it, honey?
08:52Ah!
08:54Ginger kids!
08:55No!
09:03What is it?
09:04It's a little ginger girl.
09:07Shut the door!
09:11Uh-huh!
09:14No!
09:17No!
09:20A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
09:23-a-a!
09:29In there! Go!
09:33Come on! Get this jam on the door!
10:01Kyle! Kyle, wake up! Huh? Well? Where are we?
10:11I think we're at the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton.
10:15My fellow gingers! The Day of Reckoning is finally upon us!
10:27There, you see? The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out.
10:30Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!
10:33Ha! They're your diseases!
10:35Yeah! You get out of town! Here, talk to them, Butters!
10:38Uh, me? What the heck am I supposed to say?
10:40Just tell them if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.
10:45Just walk away.
10:47He's pretty good.
10:48We'll never walk away! Never!
10:56Oh, bitch! That does it!
11:02Hi, Mary. I know it's last minute, but I've been dying to ask you to the dance from the moment
11:06we met him.
11:07You sound like a cuck, bro!
11:08You sound like a handsome gentleman.
11:10I borrowed my Uncle Giuseppe's funeral suit for a reason.
11:14Hey, what are you doing?
11:16It's the door!
11:17Quiet!
11:18Abe? Is that you?
11:20Hey, Mary? I just wanted to say, I'm sorry.
11:24I've been getting a lot of advice from a lot of people on what I should say to you, but
11:28really all you need to know is I'm a stupid, awkward virgin who says the wrong thing a lot and
11:34may have killed an old lady with a kiss.
11:36Is there any chance you might want to go to the dance with me?
11:39Is there any chance you might want to go to the dance with me?
11:39No.
11:40Oh, okay. I get it. It was a stupid idea.
11:44Wait.
11:45Wait.
11:46I can't because I was making tuna anchovy hoagies and I was waiting for the blue cheese to melt.
11:52I love tuna anchovy hoagies.
11:54Every school I've ever been-
11:56Attack!
11:57Attack!
12:18I have some bad news.
12:19Last night, I received a phone call from the local pharmacist.
12:22Apparently, almost all of our fourth graders are sexually active.
12:25And now that we've scared them a little, they're buying condoms to use.
12:29I knew it.
12:30Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves.
12:32But now maybe you'll believe me when I say that we need to be teaching even younger than fourth grade.
12:37But how old do you think a student should be when they learn about proper condom use?
12:42Kindergarten.
12:43Kindergarten?
12:44We've got to get to the students before they start having...
12:47sex.
12:49Not after.
12:50Oh, now this is getting ridiculous.
12:52I have to agree with Miss Chokesander.
12:54It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe if they're going to screw around.
12:58I guess we have no choice.
13:03That's about far enough.
13:05Give me that list, Wendy.
13:07Stan, what is going on?
13:08It was about shoes, Kyle.
13:10The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.
13:12Kyle was simply a casualty.
13:14To move Clyde meant Craig had to be moved to number 12,
13:17which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up.
13:20So what number was I?
13:22You've compromised everything.
13:23Our list's integrity.
13:25Did you see these shoes, Wendy?
13:27They're incredible.
13:28It doesn't matter how incredible they are.
13:30You can't...
13:31Oh my God, those are amazing.
13:33Right?
13:33Is that a lace across the top?
13:35No, it's a little strap.
13:36Wendy!
13:37Oh, but it doesn't matter.
13:39You took it too far.
13:40If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us,
13:42this would have just gone away.
13:44She's gonna kill us?
13:45It's too late, baby.
13:47I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police.
13:49People will know.
13:51Oh please, you're lying.
13:55All right, folks, let's let Butters get some rest.
13:57Good night, baby.
14:03Butters.
14:06Don't worry, Butters.
14:06I'm gonna get you out of here.
14:07Please leave me alone, Eric.
14:09My bottom is really sore.
14:10I found the woman you need to talk to for me.
14:12Look.
14:13Dr. Lindsay, expert in the paranormal.
14:15She can tell us what to do.
14:16Eric, you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event.
14:19She's gonna close here.
14:20Come on.
14:21I hate my stupid, psychotic brain.
14:25Welcome to my cool office.
14:27It's so casual and hip.
14:29Did you see my earring?
14:31It's a bit infected, but it's still bitching.
14:34Am I right?
14:34You've been bitching about it all day.
14:37Professor Hirsute is a terrible teacher.
14:39And not just because he wears blazers with jeans.
14:42Someone's going to get hurt.
14:43Hirsute might be opening minds, but he's filling them with garbage.
14:47I knew it.
14:47Come to my secret hiding place.
14:49I believe we're being watched.
14:56The secret is in that casually luxurious satchel of his.
15:00You must get it from him.
15:02We'll snatch the satchel.
15:03That's fun to say.
15:04I do it, but I'm being watched by the man.
15:07And the man is a genderless lizard with a stethoscope.
15:12Get the satchel, and you'll find the evidence that can take that cocky Mr. Cutter down.
15:18Making me the coolest faculty member again.
15:22Ahem.
15:23Right, snack packs?
15:25See, you get it.
15:27Here, take this cheap knockoff satchel that I purchased on Canal Street.
15:30Which I definitely knew was fake the whole time.
15:33You paid $360.
15:35I knew it was fake.
15:37Okay?
15:40As you can see, I ever just disproved water displacement and buoyancy by giving this nerd a swirly.
15:49Impressive, Kennedy.
15:50Five points.
15:54Professor, look at me.
15:55I was told that eating magnets was deadly, yet I am still alive.
15:59Another myth busted.
16:01Well done, Confucius.
16:04Professor, look.
16:05I'm staring directly at the sun, and it doesn't hurt.
16:07It's just beautiful.
16:10Hear that?
16:11Those are for you.
16:13You've freed your minds, gentlemen.
16:14Now let them run wild.
16:16There's snow on a mountaintop, so hot air doesn't rise.
16:19Oh, I like it.
16:20The Big Bang Theory didn't start everything young Sheldon did.
16:23Oh, yeah.
16:23Lefty-tighty-righty-loose.
16:25Keep it up.
16:25Deep State Dark Whap.
16:26Dark State Deep Whap.
16:27Just look at all the truth you found.
16:30Uh, Professor?
16:31I'm just curious who has the most points.
16:34Yeah, and what exactly does the winner win?
16:36Abe thinks it's a chocolate factory.
16:38I told you that in confidence.
16:40Boys, the winner will assist me in a public demonstration exposing the biggest myth of all time.
16:45And since your scores are all tied at the moment, this next question decides it.
16:49Are you ready?
16:50Oh, my God.
16:50This is it.
16:51I'm so nervous.
16:52Right now, I'm holding something in my hand.
16:54If gravity is real, it should fall when I drop it.
16:57Correct?
16:58Uh, uh...
16:59Uh, yes!
17:01Yes, correct!
17:02Yes, I also say yes!
17:04And now, a moment of truth.
17:06I present to you, gravity.
17:11It didn't fall.
17:13That means there's no such thing as gravity.
17:15Correct!
17:16Wait, gravity doesn't exist?
17:19I know, right?
17:21What?
17:21Haven't you ever seen old ladies' knockers?
17:23Huh, I wish.
17:25Well, Confucius, you'll have the honor of assisting me tomorrow.
17:28We're gonna show all those academic elitists who have given me fake contact information through the years that they should
17:33have listened.
17:34You're gonna be rich and famous, my friend.
17:36I'm already rich.
17:37Then you're gonna be famous and famous.
17:40Make it right!
17:42Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.
17:45I'm not making it, I'm making it right!
17:48Paying for my sins and it sure feels great.
17:51Make, make it right!
17:54Make, make it right!
17:56Gonna make it right, girl, I got to have your lovin' tonight!
18:02Make, make it right!
18:04Make, make it right!
18:04Make, make it right!
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