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TVTranscript
00:05I keep telling you, Fran, someday we're going to want to retire, and we're going to have nothing to retire
00:10on if you keep writing those checks, frittering our money away on frivolous notions of knick-knacks.
00:16Knick-knacks?
00:20We say so, water and power.
00:2279 bucks! Water and power? Do we need both?
00:27Earl, the reason we decided that I should pay the bills is that when you pay the bills, you always
00:32overreact.
00:33Oh, my!
00:34Oh, my? What, oh, my? You never say, oh, my!
00:39We'll worry about this one later.
00:40Oh, no! We'll fly off the handle about it right now, thank you very much!
00:44It's the phone bill, and it's just a little more than I expected.
00:48$4,563,000?
00:51That's our phone number.
00:54Oh.
00:55$300?
00:57That's a lot, too.
00:58Who's making these calls?
01:00I'm afraid it's Mother Earl.
01:02Oh!
01:04But you've got to understand, her only pleasure in the autumn of her life is talking to friends and relatives.
01:09She's just a lonely old lady.
01:11She's a lonely old leech, sucking away our retirement money.
01:15She's a part of this family, Earl.
01:18She contributes just as much as anyone else.
01:24Jean-Claude.
01:27Come on, Grandma.
01:28Then it's stormy.
01:38Come on.
01:39The wolf hops and puffs.
01:41And then what?
01:56Big mistake!
02:01Give it back!
02:05I mean it!
02:09That does it!
02:11Here comes the party face!
02:20Hey! Where you going with my suck toy?
02:25Hey you! Come back here!
02:28Aw, you're right, Fran. She is contributing.
02:31Look, she's busy holding down the rug, doing the work of six or eight carpet tacks.
02:37She's just tired, Earl.
02:38Dialing fatigue, Fran.
02:40She's worn out from making all those long-distance calls.
02:43Want suck toy?
02:45What is it, sweetheart?
02:46Want suck toy?
02:48Want, want, want.
02:49He wants a suck toy.
02:51She wants to sit on the phone all day.
02:53And you probably got your heart set on some snazzy new high-priced mop.
02:58Where all these baubles don't come free.
03:00This family's gotta learn you don't get something just because you want it.
03:04One suck toy!
03:08Oh, wow!
03:15My suck toy!
03:20Hey, let me try this.
03:26Want a cable-ready big screen?
03:30We need a bigger fireplace.
03:32Gimme, gimme, gimme!
03:33Earl, you don't know where that's been.
03:36Sure I do.
03:37It's been in the chimney.
03:37Yeah!
03:38It's still perfectly good.
03:39It's dirty.
03:40Throw it away.
03:40No, no, no!
03:41Oh, yeah!
03:42Let's buy a new one.
03:44Come on!
03:44And while we're at it, let's buy a new chimney.
03:46The dirty pacifier's been in it.
03:47It's full of germs.
03:50Trust me, Fran.
03:51There's no such thing as germs.
03:57So, who do you like?
03:59The little pink kid?
04:00Yeah!
04:01He's a real fluffball!
04:02A regular four-star host!
04:04Hey, I say we move in, find a nice warm spot, and make ourselves at home!
04:09And then trash the place!
04:11Yeah!
04:15Gimme, gimme, gimme!
04:16Yeah!
04:18Yeah!
04:18Earl, if he catches something, you're going to be very sorry.
04:22You worry too much, Fran.
04:24He's the picture of health.
04:27Huh?
04:27Huh?
04:28Yeah!
04:30And blew the house down.
05:04Honey!
05:06I'm home!
05:06Wait.
05:14Boom!
05:16Ow!
05:18Ow!
05:19Ow!
05:19Oh!
05:31This better be good, Fran.
05:33Man, the old family emergency excuse doesn't exactly hold a lot of water at work.
05:38I'd better see some body parts here.
05:40Guess what, Earl? The baby is sick.
05:44The baby is sick.
05:47Well, it's a good thing that I rushed home from my important job in the middle of the day,
05:52because apparently I'm the only one who can operate the highly complicated Kleenex machine.
05:58I've seen a lot of phlegm in my time, but I've never seen this color before.
06:06This is your fault, Earl. Now you're going to take him to the doctor.
06:10Oh, friend, I'm sure all the little snuffle bunny needs is a bottle of juice, a nap, and some TLC
06:17from his D.A.D.
06:20Look who's home.
06:25Mother Mama.
06:32He, um, specifically asked for you, sweetheart.
06:35He needs proper medical attention right now.
06:39Whoa, whoa, whoa!
06:40These childhood illnesses always look worse than they really are.
06:43Remember Robbie? He had exactly the same thing.
06:48I mean, not the spinning head.
06:51So what would you suggest, Earl?
06:53I suggest we don't spend our money on needless doctor visits.
06:56I'm as smart as those so-called medical experts with their shiny metal thing on there, up there, and that
07:06wooden tongue stick doodah that they put in your mouth and you go,
07:11and that cold silver listing thing they wear around their, uh...
07:17I'll go start the car.
07:18The little red rubber hammer thing that they use to hit you on the bendy part of the leg with.
07:32See? We could have done this at home, Fran.
07:35We got a trash can.
07:37We got old magazines.
07:39We got a whole drawer full of...
07:43What are these?
07:44Hello, I'm Dr. Ficus.
07:46Now, what seems to be the problem today?
07:48It's our baby. He's awfully sick.
07:50Oh, I'm sure it's any one of a dozen common childhood illnesses that we see here every day.
07:55Now, let's take a look-see, shall we?
07:57Look this way.
07:59Whoa! Something around!
08:05Yoics!
08:06Yoics?
08:07Medical term. It means there's no need to worry.
08:09I have everything under control.
08:12Let's take a listen.
08:14Oh!
08:15Whoa.
08:17Uh-oh.
08:21I'll just add that to the bill.
08:23Doc, you know what it is?
08:24Of course I know what it is.
08:26But rest assured, even if I didn't, I'm a professional.
08:29I'd never admit it in front of you.
08:31You're a straight shooter, Doc.
08:32Yep. Like it.
08:34Would you step this way, please?
08:36You gonna talk about me?
08:38Only good things, my boy.
08:40Now, in my expert opinion, Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair,
08:43your baby is going to need some remarkably expensive medicine.
08:47Expensive?
08:49How much expensive?
08:50Well, I'll tell you, but please keep in mind I went to school for many years to be a great
08:55healer.
08:56So when I state the actual figure,
08:58my voice will resonate with such authority and confidence
09:01you'll instantly feel you're doing the right thing.
09:05I instantly feel I'm doing the right thing.
09:09$1,000.
09:11$1,000.
09:13Goodness, it's just an awful lot of money.
09:15It's a miracle of the modern age.
09:17We call it the blue medicine.
09:19He'll drink it tonight and be bed of my morning.
09:21Most likely.
09:22Are you sure it's going to work?
09:24It's blue.
09:30Don't spill any.
09:33How'd you get the big tightwad to part with all that money?
09:37Oh, it's easy to criticize, isn't it, Ethel?
09:39Well, but I had a decision to make.
09:42My baby's health was at stake.
09:44And this medicine was the only rational course of action.
09:48You really believe that?
09:49I have to.
09:50I spent a thousand bucks.
09:52In my day, you got sick.
09:54They took you to the guy in the woods.
09:57Oh, here we go with the guy in the woods.
09:59Now, there was a healer.
10:02Sure.
10:02He'd mix up some mud, some roots, a little moss, fix you up in no time.
10:09Ooh.
10:09And what did he charge?
10:11What?
10:11Two beaver pelts and a roast beef.
10:14Oh, yeah?
10:16Well, what would he charge to suture your mouth shut forever?
10:19Open up, sweetheart.
10:21Here's your juice.
10:22Blue juice?
10:23It's a special kind of yummy juice just for special little boys.
10:28Like you the baby.
10:31All right, it's medicine.
10:33Not a chance.
10:35Now, open up.
10:37Fran, you're not using proper child psychology.
10:40It's okay.
10:41It's okay.
10:42Come on.
10:44Come on.
10:47That should do it.
10:50How long does it take to work?
10:52Well, now, let me see here.
10:56About that long.
10:58Pretty effective stuff, I'd say.
11:00Can your guy in the woods do that, Ethel?
11:03With a glass of warm milk.
11:06The kid's just asleep.
11:08Shh.
11:09You'll wake him.
11:10Oh, you're absolutely right, sweetheart.
11:12Let's be very quiet.
11:14Because he's getting better.
11:17The blue stuff is working.
11:25Your attention, please.
11:28Ladies and gentlemen.
11:31I'm kidding.
11:32Ladies and germs.
11:33A toast to modern medicine.
11:37Modern medicine.
11:37Whoa, what a kick.
11:39I feel like I could...
11:43Hey, good to see you.
11:45Nice to know you.
11:46This blue stuff is great.
11:48We're going to need more glasses.
11:57There's my little Megalosaurus.
11:59Daddy loves you.
12:01And he proved it by buying very expensive medicine for you.
12:04No more being sick.
12:06No more doctors.
12:07No more juice.
12:08No more food.
12:09No more fun.
12:10We're going to make you wear tight, scratchy diapers.
12:13Then take you to a big, scary department store.
12:15And leave you there.
12:21Franny, come and take a look at the kid.
12:23I think he's feeling a whole lot better.
12:25I don't know, Earl.
12:26I'm not so sure.
12:28And I'm also not the mama.
12:30And I'm not the papa.
12:32We ate your real family for breakfast.
12:36And now we're going to eat you.
12:39Don't eat the baby.
12:40Not the real mama.
12:41Not the mama.
12:42Just a hunch, Deb.
12:43But I don't think the medicine worked.
12:45It is too working.
12:46It just has a small side effect where the patient gets a lot worse.
12:49Charlene, take that rattle away from your brother before he hurts himself.
12:52Earl.
12:53I'll get it.
12:54Earl.
12:54What?
12:55Maybe it wasn't enough.
12:56Maybe we need more medicine.
12:58More?
13:01Hello, the known world to Fran.
13:04We just spent every last penny we had on the blue stuff.
13:06You only would have been out of roast beef if you'd gone to the guy in the woods.
13:11Nobody wants to hear about your lunatic in the forest.
13:15Why don't you just get back on the phone?
13:16It's worth $1.95 a minute not to have to listen to your toothless, yammering yap.
13:20You two, stop.
13:21We have a sick child.
13:23He's under a doctor's care, and we have to trust that the doctor knows what he's doing.
13:27Go away!
13:29Is that so?
13:30Well, where's your precious doctor now, Fran, when we need him the most?
13:33In the living room.
13:36What are you doing here?
13:38Just a routine house call.
13:40I like to check up on all my patients.
13:42We gave the baby the medicine just like you said, and it didn't work at all.
13:46And we don't know what's wrong.
13:47Mr. Sinclair, I understand you're distraught, and I'm sorry if something I might have said
13:52led you to believe that the blue medicine was some sort of magical overnight cure.
13:57It's not.
14:00This is...
14:01Wow!
14:02Orange!
14:04Orange!
14:04It's the most advanced and complex color medical science has to offer.
14:08How much?
14:10Before I say, let me tell you that this medicine...
14:14No, no, no, no resonating.
14:17That resonating cost me a thousand bucks.
14:19Just write it down.
14:21Hmm.
14:22I'm not falling for that trick again.
14:25There.
14:31Wow.
14:33Look at the penmanship.
14:35Fran, we need this much.
14:37That's even more than the last time.
14:39Oh, Mrs. Sinclair, can you honestly put a price tag on your child's health?
14:44Well, you just did.
14:46Fran.
14:47Earl, I just don't know where we're going to possibly find this kind of money.
14:51Allow me to introduce my assistant, Brock.
14:54How you doing?
14:55Brock will make a full assessment of your home's current market value, and we can work from there.
15:02I said it was a house call.
15:04At ease, original fixtures?
15:06Doctor, you're a healer.
15:08My child is desperately sick.
15:10Surely there's some way for us to pay for this medicine without having to sell our house.
15:15You got a boat?
15:16Oh, no, Fran.
15:18We're never going to be able to afford this.
15:20Now I have to buy a boat.
15:21Doctor, could you excuse us for a few moments?
15:24Oh, of course.
15:25Any medical decision like this has to be weighed carefully.
15:29We'll be under the house checking the foundation.
15:33Earl, as much as I've always put my faith in the integrity of all medical professionals, I think this guy's
15:39a quack.
15:40Mom?
15:41Dad?
15:41You might want to take a look at the baby.
15:43He's, uh, doing something.
15:45Cold!
15:46Cold!
15:46Oh, oh, oh.
15:47La, la.
15:48Here you go.
15:49No, no, no!
15:50Hot!
15:50Hot!
15:51Hot!
15:51Sweaty!
15:52What's the one?
15:52Hot!
15:52Husty!
15:53Dine of day!
15:54Uh, uh, say, uh-huh.
15:58Better?
16:02Big mistake!
16:03Coming up!
16:04Open!
16:05Uh, this is Messorammer!
16:11He's not getting any better, Fran.
16:13Sell the house!
16:14we're not selling the house to buy medicine that doesn't work but the
16:18medicine that doesn't work is our only hope I don't trust the doctor why just
16:23because everything he said has been wrong friend our baby is sick and if we
16:28can't make him better and the doctor can't make him better then what other
16:32alternative do we have on this entire planet I don't know if I mentioned this
16:37before but there's this guy in the woods this is a ritual healing ground there's
16:47magic here something in the air it's a hot day the beef's rotting I hope we find
16:55this guy soon that's the sacred tree right over there you're supposed to pound on
17:01it three times my brain bro you're the 530 yeah no actually we don't have an
17:18appointment oh look just because this is a tree doesn't mean you can show up
17:23anytime you want to this is a professional medical facility okay why
17:27don't you don't have a seat on the log oh thank you we're at the doctor's
17:38little guy how are you holding up daddy I love you friend he's delirious you're my
17:49favorite daddy oh no we're losing him I am Sabah the guy in the woods you have
18:01traveled many miles to great on the word wisdom you have traveled many miles through
18:11great wilderness to seek my wisdom
18:14see better I will now examine the roast beef he's a pro lean very nice okay let me see
18:29the child I recognize the young one's ailment it is serious there is only one cure what color
18:38is it and how much does it cost fortunately it is simple widely available and cost nothing to rid
18:45the child's body of the wicked contaminant he must eat moldy bread moldy bread huh uh-huh no wonder
18:55you practice in the woods you freak come on friend turn nothing around let's go give him a chance he
19:02knows what he's doing earl we've come this far let's not give up yet no friend I just want my
19:10baby
19:10to get well but all these medical guys are telling me different things and I don't trust any of them
19:15do you trust me earl then I think we should let Zabar try
19:29all right but don't you dare hurt my son well I'd never lost one yet now open the child's mouth
19:38so
19:39that I may administer the moldy bread no not sick anymore feeling better
19:49yuck that stuff stinks sickness begun Zabar the guy in the woods commands it commands it
20:11wisdom oh moldy bread I hate moldy bread yeah let's get out of here what do you mean we got
20:21a good
20:21infection going here oh get over it there's lots of other places to go well abandon ship
20:34behold the child is cured look the spots they're gone he's back to normal wait I'll be the judge of
20:43that do you happen to have a frying pan on you I do oh thanks here son now are you
20:55all right you know who
20:56I am
21:05it's so good to have our little boy back isn't it earl it sure is and I guess I owe
21:12a big debt of
21:13gratitude to you friend for not losing hope and does a bar there for saving the kids life don't mention
21:24it and that's it anything you have to say to me you ungrateful sack of fat
21:32earl I think mother showed us she makes an important contribution to our family
21:36she just saved our child's life okay appreciate it I didn't do it for you I like the kid and
21:49I like
21:49him too and he likes you and he doesn't feel like you're a complete burden to have around the house
21:56and
21:57he won't complain to his wife anymore about all your long-distance calls to your millions of deadbeat
22:01relatives apology accepted it wasn't an apology oh of course it was it was not why so hey listen
22:11ethyl don't get sick cause if you do I swear I'm taking you to a doctor don't threaten me fat
22:18boy it's not a threat it's a promise
22:49I'm
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