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"Lou Goes to the Racetrack to Lose Money" is a classic Abbott and Costello Show radio episode, originally broadcast on March 13, 1947. The story revolves around a desperate Costello trying to lose all his money at the track—which ultimately proves to be impossible.
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00:17I don't blame you when you look at a fat little tub like that.
00:20Come here. Come over here. You're late again. Nowhere have you been?
00:24Hey, Abbott, I just come from the contractor that's building my new house.
00:27It's going to be a house with seven grables.
00:29Do you mean seven gables?
00:30Nope, seven grables. When I build a house, I want it well built.
00:37You dummy wasting your time with a contractor when you've only got 48 hours to get rid of that money
00:43that you won last week before income tax time was due.
00:45I'm trying to get rid of the money, Abbott. Yesterday I bought a 1923 Maxwell for $75.
00:50But with it, I had to take $400 worth of accessories.
00:53$400 worth of accessories?
00:54Yes, I had to buy two horses to pull it.
00:56Oh.
00:58You idiot, $400.
01:00You've got $38,000 to get rid of.
01:03And you've got to get rid of it and make sure that you don't get it back.
01:06Okay.
01:07I'll get rid of it so I'll never, it'll never come back.
01:10How?
01:10I'll lend it to Europe.
01:11I'll lend it to Europe.
01:18Custella, this is ridiculous.
01:20Why don't you just take the $38,000 down to the income tax office and pay the tax on it?
01:24You can't do that, Abbott.
01:25I figured it out last night.
01:27And $38,000 will not pay the tax on $38,000.
01:33Oh, jeez, dark saints.
01:36Look, did you send in your estimated income for 1947?
01:39You know, that's the one where they asked you to guess how much you're going to make this year.
01:43Oh, sure.
01:43I sent it in, but I didn't sign it.
01:45Why didn't you sign it?
01:46If they want me to guess how much I'm going to make, let them guess who sent it in.
01:54Well, how about deductions?
01:56My what?
01:56Deductions.
01:57Like, when I file my tax, the man wanted to allow me $500 for my wife.
02:01For your wife?
02:02That's way over ceiling.
02:02Hey, look.
02:04I'm talking about dependents.
02:06You see, everybody comes under a different tax table.
02:08Now, if you're single, you come under one table.
02:10If you're married, you come under another table.
02:12That did it, Abbott.
02:13I ain't paying no taxes.
02:14Why?
02:14I refuse to do business under the table.
02:16Oh, Costello, you're impossible.
02:19You'll never figure that tax out.
02:21So you've got to get rid of that money.
02:23Now, hey, wait a minute.
02:24Wait a minute.
02:24I've got an idea.
02:25The best place to lose money is at the racetrack.
02:27Racetrack?
02:27That's wonderful, Abbott.
02:29I love horses.
02:30My favorite story is about a horse named Black Beauty.
02:32Black Beauty?
02:33Yes.
02:33Once about a time there was a little horse named Black Beauty.
02:35His mother was a Bronco, and one night she died of a cold.
02:38Oh, she had pneumonia.
02:40She what?
02:40She had pneumonia.
02:41Yeah, it was Bronco pneumonia.
02:43Bronco.
02:45Oh, Abbott, will you keep out of this?
02:47All right.
02:47Why don't you go over to the delivery stable and show them what a real jackass looks like?
02:50Now, let's...
02:50Mr. Matt, I'll have you understand, I'm no jackass.
02:53You're no jackass.
02:53No.
02:54Your ears are too long.
02:55All right.
02:55I'm going with the story.
02:56Okay.
02:57Now, the farmer who owned Black Beauty, he loved them.
02:59And he used to brush and comb the horse.
03:00No, no.
03:01You mean he curried the horse.
03:02Why should he carry him?
03:03Black Beauty was big enough to walk.
03:05All right.
03:06Good.
03:06Now, every morning, the farmer would feed Black Beauty.
03:08Yes.
03:09Black Beauty ate his father.
03:10Yes.
03:11And after he would eat, he ate his father.
03:14Certainly.
03:14Every horse eats his father.
03:15You mean he eats his father?
03:17Yes.
03:18And his father eats his father, and his father eats his father.
03:22Pretty soon, there won't be no fathers left for Father's Day.
03:25What does that mean?
03:26To feed a horse, you take a bag and put its father in it and hang it on its nose.
03:31Now, ain't that a pretty picture?
03:32Black Beauty walking around with his father hanging on his nose.
03:35Never mind that.
03:36What's the rest of the story about Black Beauty?
03:38Well, Black Beauty liked the rain.
03:39Every time it would rain, he would run and run and he would run in the water.
03:43In other words, Black Beauty was a mutter.
03:44Yes.
03:45Now, one day, Black...
03:47Could I have that again?
03:49He was a mutter.
03:50Black Beauty was a mutter?
03:51How could a he be a mutter?
03:53Ain't a she a mutter?
03:54Certainly not.
03:55Sometimes a he makes a better mutter than a she.
03:57Well, we learn something new every day.
04:02Listen, Abbott, suppose a mama horse has little horses.
04:05Does that make her a mutter?
04:06Well, now, that depends on her feet.
04:07Yeah, and then...
04:10Well, if you ask a silly question, you get a silly answer.
04:12No, no, no, Costello.
04:13I own racehorses and have one of the finest mutters in the world.
04:17What has your mutter got to do with horses?
04:18My mutter is a horse.
04:19Now that you mention it, I see the resemblance.
04:21Ah, here.
04:24Now, one day, everybody on the farm was very, very sad.
04:27The farmer was sad.
04:29All the little horses were sad, too.
04:31They were so sad because...
04:32Wait a minute, don't break me down.
04:34Why was everybody so sad?
04:36Black Beauty was limping around.
04:38Oh, that's too bad.
04:39There was something wrong with his front legs.
04:41Mm-hmm.
04:41The farmer took Black Beauty...
04:42No, no, no, he had something wrong with his forelegs.
04:44Yes.
04:45And then I...
04:48Would you mind running that past me again, please?
04:51I said he was having trouble with his forelegs.
04:53I just told you he limped on his two front legs.
04:56Well, Costello, a horse's forelegs are in front.
04:58His forelegs are in front?
04:59Yes.
05:00What are those things in the back?
05:01Frutches?
05:03You don't understand.
05:04A horse has forelegs in front and hind legs in back.
05:08Forelegs in front and hind legs in back?
05:09Right.
05:10What are we talking about, a horse or a centipede?
05:12Listen, you know what?
05:13Listen, please.
05:13I'm trying to tell you that a horse has forelegs in front.
05:17Oh, Abbott, you're sure his forelegs are in front?
05:19Certainly.
05:20Okay, then tell me this.
05:21What keeps his tail up?
05:23I...
05:26His hind legs.
05:27Look, when I say that the horse has forelegs in front,
05:29I don't mean that his forelegs are in front.
05:31I mean his forelegs are in front.
05:32A horse has forelegs.
05:34But all four of them are not forelegs.
05:37Oh, when you say that a horse has forelegs in front,
05:39you don't mean that his forelegs are in front.
05:41You mean that his forelegs are in front.
05:43A horse has forelegs, but all of them are not forelegs.
05:47Now you've got it.
05:47Now I've got it.
05:48I don't even know what I'm talking about!
06:04Well, Costello, here's the racetrack.
06:06Now, Saturday night is the deadline for income tax,
06:09and you've got to lose that money.
06:11Now, I'll tell you how to bet,
06:12because you don't know a horse from the side of a barn that I know.
06:15I do, too. Test me.
06:16All right. Look over there.
06:17What is that? A horse or the side of a barn?
06:20Abbott, this time you're right.
06:21I...
06:23See, you know absolutely nothing about horses.
06:26You don't study form.
06:28You don't know track conditions.
06:29And with no information whatever,
06:31do you know what can happen to you, Lou?
06:33Yes, I can win.
06:34You can win.
06:35Costello, to lose, you've got to play long shot.
06:38Now, I've got a horse that goes off at 20 to 1.
06:40Well, let's hurry, Abbott. It's half past 12 now.
06:42Oh, there's no hurry. No hurry.
06:45No hurry. He doesn't go off till 3 o'clock.
06:48I thought you said he was going off at 20 to 1.
06:49He is. He goes off at 20 to 1 at 3 o'clock.
06:52How can he go off at 20 to 1 if he goes off at 3 o'clock?
06:55Listen, no matter what time he goes off, it'll still be 20 to 1.
06:58It'll still be 20 to 1 at 3 o'clock?
07:00That's right.
07:01Abbott, let me smell your hair.
07:03What do you mean? My hair?
07:04Uh-huh. No smell.
07:06Just as I thought.
07:07You've been drinking the hair tonic again.
07:10You've got to get out, Costello.
07:11You've got to lose that money.
07:12Now, the smart thing to do is buy a dope sheet.
07:15You can get smart from buying a dope sheet?
07:19Certainly. If you have the dope, you're smart. Is that clear?
07:21Oh, sure. The horse goes off at 20 to 1 at 3 o'clock.
07:24Ah, never mind that.
07:26Hey, I think that fellow over there is selling tip sheets.
07:28Let's ask him.
07:29Say, mister.
07:30Yes?
07:30Do you sell tips on horses?
07:31As Dr. Livingston said to Stanley, you came to the right place.
07:36I've got Joe's tip sheet, Henry's tips, Eddie's tips, and asparagus tips.
07:41Asparagus tips?
07:42That's for green horse players.
07:45Well, we'll take Joe's tip sheet.
07:47Is it any good?
07:48As the Queen of Sheba said to Solomon, it's wonderful.
07:53Look, mister. Mister, forget that.
07:55We want a tip sheet that picks losers.
07:57Losers?
07:58Well, if you want to lose, I've got a horse that goes off at 20 to 1.
08:02At 3 o'clock?
08:04No, 4.30.
08:05Look, mister.
08:07Now, cut it off!
08:10Now, look, mister, as Dr. Jekyll said to Mr. Hyde, take a powder.
08:14All right.
08:14Quiet, Captain Dennis.
08:16Mister, give us a copy of Joe's tip sheet.
08:18Fine.
08:19There you are.
08:20And as young Dr. Malone said to Ma Perkins, that will be $5.
08:26Okay.
08:26Okay.
08:27Now I'll be able to pick the horses.
08:28Oh, you mean you want to use Joe's tip sheet to pick the horses?
08:31Well, in that case, you'll need a copy of Henry's tip sheet.
08:33You see, that explains what Joe's tip sheet is all about.
08:36How much is that?
08:37$10.
08:38Okay, I'll take it.
08:39Let's go at it.
08:39Just a minute, fatty.
08:43Can you read the code in Henry's tip sheet?
08:45Oh, sure.
08:46I can read...
08:48What code?
08:49Uh-huh.
08:50Well, then you'll need Don's tip sheet, which explains the code on Henry's tip sheet,
08:54which picks the horses in Joe's tip sheet.
08:57That'll be $25.
08:59Oh, man.
08:59Come on, Costello.
09:01We've got to make some bets and lose that money.
09:02Nothing doing, Abbott.
09:03I can lose all my money right here.
09:05Hey, here's $25.
09:07And as Mrs. Chip said to Mr. Chip, goodbye.
09:12Goodbye.
09:16Hey, Abbott.
09:17Hey, Abbott.
09:18I don't need this guy's tip sheet.
09:20I got something right special from the feed box.
09:22What is it?
09:23Oats.
09:24I have.
09:24They're delicious.
09:26Stop.
09:26Look, Costello.
09:27Hey, there's Skinny Ennis.
09:28Maybe he can give us a loser.
09:29Hiya, fellas.
09:30Hey, what time is it?
09:31Three o'clock.
09:32Good.
09:32I got a horse that goes off at 20 to 1.
09:36How can a horse go off at 20 to 1 at 3 o'clock?
09:39Now, just a minute.
09:40I'm the straight man.
09:44Skinny.
09:45Costello's got a lot of money to lose.
09:46Do you know any slow horses?
09:48Why, sure.
09:49Play Ashcan in the third.
09:51Now, wait a minute.
09:51Are you sure Ashcan is a slow horse?
09:54Is he a slow horse?
09:55Boys, if Paul Revere had ridden Ashcan, you'd be doing your baseball routine about cricket.
10:03About cricket?
10:04I wonder how it would sound.
10:06Whom is on first?
10:08Right.
10:11Come on, Costello.
10:12Let's call for the first race.
10:13Let's get a bet down.
10:14I'm going to play Whirlpool.
10:15Here, mister.
10:16500 on Whirlpool to win.
10:18Whirlpool.
10:20Hey.
10:21Hey, you got the bet down just in time, Costello.
10:23They're off.
10:24I hope Whirlpool doesn't win.
10:26Abbott, the only way that horse could win is if he had an outboard motor attached to him.
10:35Well, he couldn't have one without it.
10:38You idiot.
10:40Now you've got more money than never to get rid of.
10:42Hey, look.
10:43Look at that lady's program and see what she's marking.
10:45Maybe she'll pick a loser.
10:47Pardon me, madam.
10:48Could you sort of...
10:48Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Costello.
10:53You fart, little Marnu.
10:57What are you doing here at the roost truck?
11:01Roost truck?
11:03Oh, Abbott, you know what a roost truck is.
11:06That's where they ruin the hooses and the rooses.
11:12Oh, I love to come to the truck and place my wadges with the bookmookers.
11:19What a co-inky-dinky.
11:23I come here to drink kooka-koola.
11:26And eat frankfutter.
11:28And try to pick a wiener.
11:38Well, it's been grand seeing you.
11:40I must be totaling along.
11:42As we say in French,
11:44je suis de la pigalle in la quiche que c'est to you.
11:46And a juicy dill pickle in the quiche que c'est to you, too.
11:51Costello.
11:53Hey, Costello.
11:54We should come to the truck more often.
11:55All the big movie producers come here, and we might make some good contacts.
11:59Yes, while they're looking over the horses, they might think of a part for me.
12:01They might think of...
12:02What am I saying?
12:04Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott.
12:06Where are you going with that big bale of hay?
12:09Oh, pardon me.
12:10It's Costello.
12:12Oh, my, I just love the racetrack.
12:14You know, my late husband said I had the makings of a great horsewoman.
12:18You're saying that wrong.
12:20Your husband said you had the makings of a great horsewoman.
12:25Costello, you've just got time to play the third race.
12:27Now, look, let's try the old-fashioned method.
12:29Stick a pin in Mrs. Wetwash's program and play whatever you pick.
12:33Okay, Mrs. Wetwash, may I borrow your hat pin?
12:35Here.
12:36Now, hold up the program.
12:37I'll close my eyes and stab it with the hat pin.
12:41There they go.
12:42Costello.
12:43Costello, you stuck Mrs. Wetwash with the hat pin.
12:45Look, she's jumping the fence.
12:47She's out on the track.
12:47At the corner, Mission Bell is going to the front.
12:50Busy B is second.
12:51Hey, just a minute, folks.
12:52There's an added starter out there.
12:54That's a strange-looking nag, but, brother, can she run?
12:58Now you did it, Costello.
13:00Mrs. Wetwash is running in the race.
13:02She'll probably win and pay a lot of money.
13:04And the winner is the added starter,
13:06which has just been identified as Mrs. Wetwash.
13:10Isn't that a silly name for a horse?
13:12That's a silly name for a woman.
13:13I wonder what she paid.
13:14Mrs. Wetwash went off at 20 to 1 and came in at 3 o'clock.
13:18How do you like that?
13:19Now the racetrack announcers are doing our routines, Abbott.
13:34Costello.
13:35We came to the racetrack today to lose money,
13:37and all you've done is win.
13:38Now, if you're stuck with that bankroll March 15th,
13:41you'll really be in trouble with your income tax.
13:43I can't help it, Abbott.
13:44Gambling runs on my family.
13:45My Uncle Artie Stebbins was a big gambler, too.
13:47He once crossed a racehorse with a chicken.
13:49He crossed a racehorse with a chicken?
13:51Yes.
13:51What for?
13:52So it could lay odds.
13:53Lay...
13:56Pardon me, gentlemen.
13:58What was this?
13:59Would you like to buy a sweepstake ticket?
14:01They're 50 cents apiece.
14:03Oh, sure.
14:03Here's $50.
14:04Give me 100 of them.
14:05Hey, wait a minute.
14:05The price marked on these tickets is $2.
14:07How can you afford to sell them so cheap?
14:08The race was last year.
14:12Now, would you like to take a chance on this punch board?
14:15It pays $500 to $1.
14:16Now, wait a minute.
14:17The punch board is all punched out.
14:18I know, but where else could you get such beautiful odds?
14:22Say, mister, who are you?
14:23Now, let me think.
14:26Oh, I've got some business cards in my pocket.
14:29Would you mind reaching in and pulling one out?
14:31See, my hands are all covered with fingers.
14:33Uh, uh...
14:35Costello, there's something, something peculiar about this man.
14:39Look, he's wearing an iron watch chain, and it's six feet long.
14:42Well, that's all right, Evan.
14:43He's got a police dog in his pocket.
14:46Pardon me, sir, but what are you doing here at the racetrack?
14:48Oh, I own the grace horse, uh, numbskull.
14:51My wife gave him to me for my birthday.
14:53Your wife gave you a horse?
14:55Yes.
14:55She didn't want me to have anything sharp.
14:59Your wife must write your jokes, too.
15:01You haven't had anything sharp in the last two minutes.
15:04Oh, boy.
15:05Well, gentlemen, I've got to go now.
15:07I've got to hang up my horse.
15:08Hang up your horse?
15:09Yes, he's a Mustang, and he must hang someplace.
15:18Abbott, they ought to send that guy to the United Nations Conference.
15:21Is it a delegate?
15:22No, it's a problem.
15:23Oh.
15:24Come on, Costello.
15:25Let's take a look at this horse, numbskull.
15:27He may be just the horse to lose your money on.
15:29Oh, Lewis.
15:30Lewis Costello.
15:31Costello, here's Marilyn Maxwell.
15:32My, but you look pretty, Marilyn.
15:34That's a lovely dress you're wearing.
15:35Oh, it's just something I threw on.
15:37You must have flown a curve.
15:40Mmm, you smell good, too.
15:43Oh, that's my new racetrack perfume.
15:45Chanel, number eight to five.
15:49Gee, Lewis, didn't we have fun in the movies last night?
15:52Yeah.
15:52I thought Ray Milland was wonderful in that picture, California.
15:56But I think you have a much better looking map.
15:58Than Ray Milland?
15:59No, than California.
16:02Hey, look, Costello.
16:03There's that daffy guy's horse, numbskull.
16:09Oh, what a cute little horse.
16:12Come on, I'll introduce you to him.
16:14Numskull, this is Marilyn.
16:15Hey, look, Costello.
16:20Here comes Mrs. Wetwash.
16:22Well, well, Costello, what horse is that?
16:24This is numbskull.
16:26Numskull, meet Mrs. Wetwash.
16:31Oh, what a clever horse.
16:32You know I love horses.
16:34Oh, can't get any men to go out with, huh?
16:37Now, listen, little fat boy.
16:39You embarrassed me this afternoon.
16:40But I'll forgive you for making me run in that claiming race.
16:44I hope you notice that I won.
16:46Yes, and I also notice that nobody claimed you.
16:49Well, come on, Mrs. Wetwash.
16:51Let's go make a bet on numbskull.
16:52See you later, Lewis.
16:54Hey, look, Costello.
16:55There's our pretty little filly.
16:56She costs $3,000.
16:58Her name is Minion.
16:59$3,000 for a filly Minion?
17:04That must include mushrooms and French fried potatoes.
17:07And look at the next doll, Costello.
17:09There's the mare with a coat.
17:10The mare has a coat?
17:10Yes.
17:11Well, if he's got a coat, why don't somebody give him a handkerchief?
17:13Get him some four-way coat tablets or something.
17:16No, no, he doesn't need tablets or a handkerchief.
17:18I'm talking about a coat.
17:20That mare has a coat.
17:21The trainer will take that coat and teach it to run.
17:23They've got to teach a coat to run.
17:25Naturally.
17:26Brother, when I get a coat, it runs all by itself.
17:28Ah, I can't say.
17:30Look.
17:30Hey, look, Lou.
17:32Here comes the groom with the horse's bridle.
17:34He's getting ready to lead her away by the halter.
17:37Abbott, stop the wedding.
17:39Stop the wedding.
17:40Sure, by the time the horse's groom leads the bridle to the halter,
17:43that coat will start running and she'll sneeze right in that groom's kisser.
17:50Come on, Costello.
17:51That's the post-call for the last race.
17:52And you've got to bet on a loser to get rid of that money.
17:55Remember your income tax.
17:57Abbott, I'm going to bet it all on numbskull.
17:59I've been looking up his form.
18:00He's got to lose.
18:01What does the form say?
18:02Well, it says he was beater at Santa Anita.
18:05He was an also-ran at Tanforan.
18:08He came home in the dark at Hollywood Park
18:10and showed a weakness in the preakness.
18:15Okay.
18:17Numbskull it is.
18:18Let's get the bed down.
18:26Order race, folks.
18:27At the corner, it's numbskull by two legs.
18:29Banjo is second and bazooka is third.
18:34Oh, no.
18:35Oh, no.
18:36They're coming into the stretch.
18:37Numbskull is in front by three legs.
18:39Oh, no.
18:40Oh, no.
18:40Oh, yes.
18:41Oh, yes.
18:43And the winner is Gertie's Corset.
18:48Did you hear that, Costello?
18:49The winner was Gertie's Corset.
18:51That was a tight squeeze.
18:54Well, we did it, Abbott.
18:55The money's all gone.
18:56I don't have to worry about no income tax.
18:58Attention, everybody.
18:59Hold all tickets.
19:00There's been a disqualification.
19:02Gertie's Corset got rubbed in the stretch and broke in front of Gertie's Corset.
19:08How do you like that?
19:10They busted Gertie's Corset.
19:11And here is the judge's decision.
19:13The officials are putting up Numbskull's number and taking down Gertie's Corset.
19:20You hear that, Costello?
19:22Numbskull's number is up.
19:24So is mine.
19:25Alcatraz, here I come.
19:26Come on, Abbott.
19:27Let's go.
19:28Let's go.
19:29Let's go.
19:29Let's go.
19:29Let's go.
19:30Let's go.
19:30Let's go.
19:31Let's go.
19:36Well, Costello, you didn't succeed in getting any of that money, did you?
19:40No.
19:40So now, you've got to pay income tax on it.
19:42Oh, I don't care, Abbott.
19:43I'm a happy guy.
19:44I'm always happy in the springtime.
19:46Say, that's right, Costello.
19:47Next week is the first day of spring.
19:49I have an idea.
19:50Let's get together next Thursday and plant a nice garden.
19:53I'll help you sow the seed.
19:55Sow the seed?
19:56Yeah.
19:56What's the matter?
19:57Is it torn?
19:58Now, wait a minute.
19:58Don't start that.
20:00Good night, folks.
20:01Good night.
20:09Listen to Abbott and Costello next Thursday when Costello plants a spring garden.
20:14Don't miss it, because Bud and Lou are going to do their famous sow the seed routine.
20:19Good night.
20:20Good night.
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