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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00.
00:00:22They've started early today.
00:00:25.
00:00:29Oh, hello. What is it, Miss Armitage? What's the matter?
00:00:32Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm not dipped.
00:00:34What happened, Doctor? What frightened you, Miss Armitage?
00:00:38What's all the fuss about?
00:00:39I might have known.
00:00:41Dr Nooking, what have you been doing to this patient?
00:00:44Doing? To her? You must be joking.
00:00:47I was just inside there having a shower when she suddenly barged in.
00:00:50That is the women's washroom.
00:00:53Women's washroom?
00:00:54Well, it was only changed yesterday, Doctor.
00:00:57While the women's is being redecorated.
00:00:59I'm afraid the notice isn't very clear.
00:01:01That is no excuse.
00:01:02I think you owe this lady an apology.
00:01:05I'm terribly sorry, Miss Armitage.
00:01:10Oh, Miss Armitage. Miss Armitage.
00:01:13Oh, don't you start.
00:01:17Why do they put such awkward handles on these doors?
00:01:21Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. There seems to have been an awful mistake.
00:01:25Dr Nooking, our medical career has already been notorious for its ups and downs.
00:01:28Now we appear to have reached the bottom.
00:01:30No!
00:01:34Pay attention, everyone. The head surgeon is making his rounds.
00:01:37Sit up straight now. Sit up straight.
00:01:40You must be joking.
00:01:45The point is, sir, as senior house surgeon, it is my job to see that the hospital runs with efficiency.
00:01:51But Dr Nookie is a disrupting influence.
00:01:53Oh, don't go on so, Stoppage. I can't sack every doctor who goes in the wrong washroom and makes an
00:01:58exhibition of himself.
00:01:59Who was that wretched woman, anyway?
00:02:01Miss Armitage. She's in here for observation.
00:02:03Is she? All I can say is she observed a downside more than she bargained for.
00:02:08There's more to it than that, sir.
00:02:10There have been several other incidents with nurses.
00:02:12Oh, come, come, Stoppage.
00:02:13You know, as well as I do, all young doctors indulge in a bit of jiggery-pokery.
00:02:17Sir, I do not object to jiggery, but I do take exception to pokery.
00:02:22Excuse me, sir.
00:02:23Ah, this is the new kidney case, I suppose.
00:02:25Oh, yes, sir, Mr Bean.
00:02:27Ah, kidney bean.
00:02:29Well, Mr Bean, how are you? Any pain?
00:02:32A bit, sir. Especially when I pass water.
00:02:35Well, the best thing for you to do, Mr Bean, is to stop passing it.
00:02:38Every time you come to some, stop and turn back.
00:02:41Has he been x-rayed?
00:02:42Oh, yes, sir.
00:02:43I'd like to see his plates.
00:02:44Yes, of course.
00:02:48I mean his x-ray plates.
00:02:50Beg your pardon.
00:02:52Matron.
00:02:52Nurse.
00:02:59Ah, hmm, yes.
00:03:02It's a stone.
00:03:04No.
00:03:05I thought it was a trouser button.
00:03:06Mr Bean, do you wear a zip on your trousers?
00:03:09Why, yes.
00:03:11It's a stone.
00:03:12It'll have to come out right away.
00:03:14Excuse me, sir.
00:03:16Miss Fosdick, don't keep plucking at me.
00:03:17I'm not a chicken.
00:03:18I'm sorry, sir, but you have an appointment at the Barclay nursing home at 11.
00:03:21It can wait.
00:03:22It's the see Mrs Moore, sir.
00:03:23And she...
00:03:24Oh, yes, that's different.
00:03:26It's a rather wealthy private patient of mine.
00:03:28I took an appendix out the other day.
00:03:30I hope you both had a nice time.
00:03:32Ah!
00:03:33I'll make the jokes, if you don't mind.
00:03:35Stoppage.
00:03:36All right, Fosdick, get the car.
00:03:37Oh, but, sir, what about the operation?
00:03:39You can handle it quite well.
00:03:40I hear you're a very good kidney-winkler.
00:03:44But, sir, I've never done this kind of art before.
00:03:46You'll handle it quite easily.
00:03:47I'll lend you my penknife.
00:03:48Penknife?
00:03:49Yes, it's got one of those things for taking out stones.
00:03:52Oh, but, sir, I do need your advice.
00:03:55All right, come with me in the car and I'll explain it to you.
00:03:57Thank you, sir.
00:03:59The penknife!
00:04:04Mr. King!
00:04:10Bend over, dear, and I'll demonstrate.
00:04:14Very straightforward, you see.
00:04:15You make an incision.
00:04:16Here, stop squirming about, Miss Fosdick.
00:04:19Isn't the incision rather high up, sir?
00:04:21I don't want to take a lump off his coccyx.
00:04:23High up?
00:04:24Certainly not.
00:04:24Have you got a skin pencil on you?
00:04:25Hmm.
00:04:26Show me the position of the normal kidney.
00:04:27Well, I would say it's just about there.
00:04:32What's that supposed to be, a cashew nut?
00:04:34His kidney.
00:04:35Well, that silly little thing.
00:04:36He's not a hamster, you know.
00:04:38All right.
00:04:39Perhaps just a bit larger.
00:04:42No, no, no.
00:04:44It's not even in the right place.
00:04:45Here, I'll show you.
00:04:48Ah, there.
00:04:49There, that's where you'll find it.
00:04:51Oh, no, sir.
00:04:52I beg to differ.
00:04:53That is where his liver is.
00:04:56Nonsense!
00:04:56The liver's not there.
00:04:58It's there.
00:04:59There.
00:04:59You see?
00:05:00And there's the backbone.
00:05:01Right down there.
00:05:02You see?
00:05:03Would you mind doing that again, sir?
00:05:05Yes, sir.
00:05:06Please do.
00:05:09Thank you, Miss.
00:05:13Mrs. Beasley, please.
00:05:15It's about time, too.
00:05:21Hello.
00:05:22Ah, good morning, Mrs. Beasley.
00:05:24And what's wrong with you today?
00:05:25Ah, well, that's for you to find out, isn't it, Doctor?
00:05:29At any rate, I brought you this sample, what you asked me for.
00:05:33Ah, the correct word for it is a specimen, Mrs. Beasley.
00:05:36You call it what you like, Doctor.
00:05:38I know what I call it.
00:05:40Not in front of sister, please, Mrs. Beasley.
00:05:42And while we're on about it, you ought to give us bottles with wider tops.
00:05:47I don't have a job getting that in there.
00:05:49You ought to have used a funnel, Mrs. Beasley.
00:05:52I've tried one of those.
00:05:54It just kept running out the other end.
00:05:56Well, never mind.
00:05:57You've done splendidly.
00:05:59Oh, it's all right, is it, then?
00:06:00Fresh as a mountain stream.
00:06:02I don't think there's much wrong in that department.
00:06:04No, well, there may not be much wrong there.
00:06:06But that doesn't mean to say there isn't something wrong with the rest of me.
00:06:09I mean, there's the bells to start with.
00:06:12They're driving me mad, they are.
00:06:14And nothing don't seem to shift them.
00:06:16Well, have you tried a laxative?
00:06:17Not bells, Doctor.
00:06:20Bells.
00:06:21Ringing in me ear rolls all day long, they are.
00:06:24Oh, I see.
00:06:24I beg your pardon.
00:06:27Please go on, Mrs. Beasley.
00:06:28Well, there's like this swelling, Doctor, what comes up at night time.
00:06:32Of course, when the palpitations start,
00:06:33he wakes me up and I turn over.
00:06:35Of course, that wakes him up.
00:06:37And for I know where I am, he's at it again.
00:06:40At it?
00:06:41Grousing.
00:06:43Oh, oh, I see.
00:06:46Well, have you tried using separate beds?
00:06:49He won't have it, Doctor.
00:06:51Says it's denied him his convivial rights.
00:06:54Yes.
00:06:54Yes.
00:06:55Well, I tell you what, I'll get sister to give you some sleeping tablets for it, Mrs. Beasley.
00:06:59Now, I really must get on.
00:07:00This way, Mrs. Beasley.
00:07:02Oh, Doctor, I never told you about the rheumatism in me right leg.
00:07:07Well, there's nothing to worry about, Mrs. Beasley.
00:07:09It's just old age.
00:07:10But me left leg's as old.
00:07:11I don't get no rheumatism in act.
00:07:13All right, you win, Mrs. Beasley.
00:07:15Sister, would you give her some tablets for it?
00:07:17Yes, Doctor.
00:07:18Yes.
00:07:18Come along, Mrs. Beasley.
00:07:19Thank you, Doctor.
00:07:20I'll see you tomorrow.
00:07:23Who's next, sister?
00:07:24Just Mr. Pullen for his hormone injections.
00:07:27You can bring Mr. Pullen in now, nurse.
00:07:29Come along, Mr. Pullen.
00:07:30You're next.
00:07:32Up we get.
00:07:33That's it.
00:07:34Now, hold on tight round my waist.
00:07:37Not too tight.
00:07:39Stop it.
00:07:41Behave yourself.
00:07:43Yes, I know what you'd like to do to me.
00:07:46Isn't he awful?
00:07:47You'd think at his age.
00:07:49Oh!
00:08:06Take Dr. Stoppage, Bethel Hospital, and then return for me.
00:08:09Come along, Frosty.
00:08:11Good morning, Mr. Carver.
00:08:13Morning, Matron.
00:08:13Mrs. Moira's ready for you.
00:08:15Just go right in.
00:08:16Thank you, Matron.
00:08:19My dear Mrs. Moira, well, you're looking very well today.
00:08:23How are you feeling?
00:08:24Oh, I feel wonderful, Mr. Carver.
00:08:27I'd no idea that having one's appendix out could be so exhilarating.
00:08:31I feel ten years younger.
00:08:34Splendid, splendid.
00:08:35Be honest now.
00:08:36Do I look like a woman of 40?
00:08:38You really feel as young as that?
00:08:41No, that's what I am.
00:08:42Yes, I was just joking, of course.
00:08:44And so you're leaving here today, are you?
00:08:47Yes, and I shan't be sorry.
00:08:48This bed's all right, but I do miss my slap and tickle.
00:08:50What?
00:08:51A slap and tickle.
00:08:52They're my Siamese.
00:08:53They always sleep on my bed.
00:08:55Yes, of course.
00:08:56Not that I'm not grateful for all that you've done for me.
00:08:59Oh, they told me you were a wonderful surgeon.
00:09:01Well, I suppose I am a cut above the rest.
00:09:07Yes, and you know, I've been thinking I should like to show my appreciation in some way.
00:09:13Oh, come now, Mrs. Moore.
00:09:14Just because you're a widow, that's no reason why I should take advantage of you.
00:09:18Oh, I don't mind being taken advantage of now and then.
00:09:21Well, since you've mentioned it, there is something I would like to do.
00:09:25Yes.
00:09:26For many years now, I've had a dream.
00:09:30A dream of something that would bring hope and comfort to millions of suffering people.
00:09:34The Frederick Carver Foundation.
00:09:38What's that?
00:09:38Some sort of corset?
00:09:40No.
00:09:41No.
00:09:41A private clinic.
00:09:43Or, alas, it would be a very costly project.
00:09:45Five hundred five...
00:09:46Oh, I wasn't thinking of showing that sort of appreciation.
00:09:49Not financially.
00:09:50I don't do that sort of thing.
00:09:52Oh, don't be modest, Mrs. Moore.
00:09:53What about the medical mission you set up in the Beatific Islands?
00:09:58Oh, well, that was quite different.
00:09:59My husband died out there and I wanted to show my gratitude.
00:10:02I mean, for the way they looked after him.
00:10:04Quite, quite.
00:10:11Hello, Doctor.
00:10:12Another bill for you.
00:10:18What's it, Jim?
00:10:20Oh, hello, Henry.
00:10:21Swatting up on anatomy.
00:10:23Yes.
00:10:23I was just thinking I could do with some fine surgical equipment like that.
00:10:27Yeah, well, who couldn't?
00:10:28Fed up, then?
00:10:29Well, you're joking.
00:10:30I'm getting fed up with this place, Henry.
00:10:33Specialised.
00:10:34That's what I'd like to do.
00:10:35The old Harley Street bit with bags of lovely, filthy, rich women patients.
00:10:40Hmm, fine.
00:10:40What are you going to specialise in?
00:10:41Oh, well, that's a point.
00:10:42I don't know.
00:10:43The only thing I'm good at you get struck off for.
00:10:45Look, there goes one of my patients now.
00:10:47Do you fancy a game of diagnosis?
00:10:49What, with him?
00:10:50Mm-hmm.
00:10:50For half a dollar?
00:10:51All right.
00:10:52All right.
00:10:52Okay, let's see.
00:10:54Sallow complexion.
00:10:55Droopy eyelids.
00:10:57I'd say pernicious anemia.
00:10:59Sorry.
00:11:00Cirrhosis.
00:11:01Done.
00:11:02Wait a minute.
00:11:03How about that one?
00:11:03Double or quit?
00:11:04Oh, well, that's not one of my patients.
00:11:05It's not one of mine, either.
00:11:06Still, go on, have a go.
00:11:07All right.
00:11:09I'd say a slipped disc.
00:11:10What?
00:11:10Never.
00:11:11Must be hemorrhoids.
00:11:13And a very bad case, too.
00:11:15Let's ask him.
00:11:16All right.
00:11:18Excuse me, sir, but my friend and I, we're doing spot diagnosis, and I was wondering if
00:11:22you could help me.
00:11:22Now, I'd say you've got hemorrhoids, and he thinks it's a slipped disc.
00:11:26Now, could you tell us?
00:11:27Let me see now.
00:11:29You thought it was a slipped disc.
00:11:31Yeah, that's right.
00:11:32I'm afraid you were wrong.
00:11:33And you thought it was hemorrhoids.
00:11:35That's right.
00:11:35I'm afraid you were wrong.
00:11:37Well, what then?
00:11:38As a matter of fact, I thought I was going to break wind.
00:11:41I'm afraid I was wrong.
00:11:49See you later, Henry.
00:11:52Well, what is it, Matron?
00:11:53The Paxton case from the Advertising Film Studios officer just coming in now.
00:12:06Something the better.
00:12:08I've just seen you on a pin-up calendar.
00:12:11Oh, yes, could be.
00:12:13I did do some modelling once, but not for long, though.
00:12:16Those photographers expect too much for their money.
00:12:18Well, what an extraordinary coincidence, eh?
00:12:20I was just saying to myself I could do with a bit of...
00:12:24Yes, well, what happened to you, then?
00:12:27Here's the accident report, Doctor.
00:12:29Oh, thank you.
00:12:30Let's see.
00:12:31Miss Locks, hmm?
00:12:32Severe bruising and possible fracture.
00:12:34That's right.
00:12:35You see, I was posing on top of this enormous packet, and I slipped and fell.
00:12:39Oh, I see.
00:12:40I think.
00:12:41Well, we'd better have a closer look at you, ain't we?
00:12:43Oh, dear.
00:12:44If you would, Matron.
00:12:49What's wrong?
00:12:50Oh, no, no, nothing.
00:12:51No, nothing at all.
00:12:52It's all marvellous.
00:12:53What happened to the rest of your clothes, Miss Locks?
00:12:56Oh, this is all that I was wearing.
00:12:57I told you I was doing an advertisement.
00:13:00Just for interest, what were you advertising?
00:13:02Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.
00:13:05I can see the connection.
00:13:06I can't see any sign of bruising, can you, Doctor?
00:13:09Oh, oh, no.
00:13:10You see, I fell on my backside.
00:13:11I haven't got anything in front.
00:13:13Oh, I wouldn't say that.
00:13:14Oh, cheeky.
00:13:16Well, I think we'd better turn you over, hadn't we?
00:13:19No, no, please.
00:13:24Can you see them?
00:13:26Oh, yes, not half.
00:13:27Oh, yeah, yes, yes.
00:13:29Nasty, very nasty.
00:13:31Tell me if this hurts you, would you?
00:13:36Oh, haven't you got hot hands?
00:13:39Oh, I wouldn't say that.
00:13:42Well, look, I don't think there's much of a fracture here, no.
00:13:45Do you feel any fever or giddiness?
00:13:48Yes, I do feel a bit hot.
00:13:50I meant Miss Locks.
00:13:52Oh, oh, yes.
00:13:53Yeah, well, we'd better check you for that.
00:13:54Would you turn over again, please?
00:14:03Well, that one's all right.
00:14:05Will you be wanting an x-ray, Doctor?
00:14:07Pardon?
00:14:08Do you wish an x-ray?
00:14:11Oh, yes, as soon as you can set one up, please, Matron.
00:14:15Well, it's the old pulse bit now.
00:14:17May I have your hand, please?
00:14:22Shouldn't it be my wrist?
00:14:24Oh, oh, yes, of course.
00:14:30We should get the results any minute now.
00:14:32Oh, I hope they're all right.
00:14:34I've got a screen test tomorrow.
00:14:36Well, what's your first name, then?
00:14:39Goldie.
00:14:40Goldie.
00:14:41Oh, Goldie Lux.
00:14:43I know, it's shocking, isn't it?
00:14:45But I sort of got stuck with it.
00:14:47Well, what's your real name, then?
00:14:49Mould.
00:14:50Mould Boggins.
00:14:52Oh, well, never mind, eh?
00:14:54Goldie's a nice name.
00:14:55What's your name?
00:14:57Jimmy.
00:14:57Jimmy Nookie.
00:15:00You're not much better off, are you?
00:15:02No.
00:15:03Look, Goldie, how about you coming out with me one evening, eh?
00:15:06What for?
00:15:07Well, a spot of dinner, dancing and stuff.
00:15:10Well, I don't mind the dinner and dancing, but don't expect anything else.
00:15:14Oh, I don't.
00:15:15As long as you know.
00:15:17There we are, Jimmy.
00:15:17No sign of a fracture.
00:15:18Oh, that's good.
00:15:19Woo-hoo!
00:15:20No fracture!
00:15:21There will be if you go on like that.
00:15:23Oh, can I go now, then?
00:15:25Well, there's no hurry, is there?
00:15:26Would you like to have a look around first?
00:15:28All right, then.
00:15:29Good.
00:15:29Well, we'll start off with my room.
00:15:30No, thanks.
00:15:31I've seen a room.
00:15:33Here.
00:15:33I like your telly.
00:15:35Do you?
00:15:35Just a minute.
00:15:36I'll show you what's on.
00:15:37Let's see.
00:15:40Contact.
00:15:42And now, before your very eyes are genuine Chinese spare ribs.
00:15:48Profile, miss.
00:15:49Go on, ask me the time.
00:15:50All right, then.
00:15:51What's the time?
00:15:544.25.
00:15:56Have a go.
00:15:57Yeah.
00:15:58Whoops.
00:16:01Well, how do I look?
00:16:02Hmm, bony.
00:16:03Now, come to think of it, I don't know what I see in you.
00:16:06I wish I could see meself.
00:16:08Oh, just a minute.
00:16:09I might be able to get a print of this.
00:16:11Now, let's see.
00:16:15Now, say cheese.
00:16:18Go, go.
00:16:24Hey, Pete.
00:16:24Stay where you are!
00:16:26I'll pull the main fuse out!
00:16:42I'll pull the main fuse out!
00:16:58Oh, my God.
00:17:29I wouldn't have thought it possible for one man to create such utter chaos.
00:17:33The hospital didn't return to normal until this morning.
00:17:36I know, sir. The trouble is I just can't help myself.
00:17:40On the contrary. You're always helping yourself.
00:17:43Oh, look, sir, do we have to prolong this? I'll just hand in my resignation.
00:17:46Oh, no, no, no. There's no need for resignation.
00:17:49After all, everyone has a bit of fun now and again.
00:17:52Do they, sir?
00:17:52As a matter of fact, I think you can help me.
00:17:55I've got a bit of a sex problem myself.
00:17:58Oh, well, you don't have to around here, sir.
00:18:02There's a little nurse in Wardby.
00:18:04No, no, no. I don't mean the physical side.
00:18:06I know what's what and where's where.
00:18:09You can't be a surgeon without noticing these things.
00:18:11No, of course not, sir.
00:18:13No, no. I've got this lady I'm taking to dinner.
00:18:16Now, I'll be quite frank with you.
00:18:17I want to impress her, if you see what I mean.
00:18:19I do, sir. You're on the make.
00:18:21Yes.
00:18:21Well, no, no, no matter of speaking, you see,
00:18:23and I haven't had much experience in these matters.
00:18:26Oh, I see, sir.
00:18:28Well, if I were you, as soon as you sat her down,
00:18:31I'd give her the business.
00:18:33What, sitting down?
00:18:33Well, you know, start chatting her up.
00:18:35A bit of the old flannel, you know.
00:18:36How beautiful you are.
00:18:38What lovely big eyes you have and other things.
00:18:41I couldn't possibly say what lovely big other things.
00:18:44Don't lie me. You haven't had much experience, have you?
00:18:46No.
00:18:46Well, how would it be so if I jotted down a few appropriate lines
00:18:49and you can try them out?
00:18:50You do that for me.
00:18:52Oh, that will be most kind of you, Dr. Nookie.
00:18:59Is Dr. Nookie still in there?
00:19:01Yes, doctor.
00:19:02Oh, I'd hate to be in his shoes.
00:19:05Still, at high time, he would take them down a peg or two.
00:19:07And I expect that'll give you great pleasure, doctor.
00:19:19I'm sorry, but I've got to say it.
00:19:21You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.
00:19:24Every time I look into your beautiful eyes,
00:19:27I'm filled with ecstasy.
00:19:30Now hold hands.
00:19:31Oh, that's good.
00:19:32That's good.
00:19:33What a lovely little hand you've got.
00:19:36Kiss it, then.
00:19:37Oh, that's it.
00:19:38Oh, I adore you.
00:19:39Oh, I adore you.
00:19:43Jolly good, sir.
00:19:44By this time, you'll have got her on the run already.
00:19:46Look, please go on.
00:19:49My darling, I must tell you.
00:19:51Now you do something exciting to me.
00:19:55Eh?
00:19:56No, no, look.
00:19:57Oh, my darling, I must tell you now.
00:19:59You do something exciting to me.
00:20:01Oh, sorry.
00:20:03Yes.
00:20:20Do you realize we've known each other for, what, four whole weeks now?
00:20:24Yeah.
00:20:25Do you think that's a record?
00:20:27Well, I don't know.
00:20:28It's the longest I've been out with a girl without, well, getting somewhere.
00:20:31What do you mean without getting somewhere?
00:20:33We went to Bognor last Sunday.
00:20:35Yeah, you know what I mean, eh?
00:20:37Yeah, but I don't want to spoil it, do you?
00:20:39Don't be silly.
00:20:40It likes to be spoiled.
00:20:42Um, you ever thought of getting married?
00:20:45Married?
00:20:45What for?
00:20:46Oh, never mind.
00:20:55Oh, look at that couple dancing over there.
00:21:01Something wrong?
00:21:02Uh, no, no, I just dropped something.
00:21:05Oh, got it?
00:21:06Yes, thank you.
00:21:07Ellen, my dear, you look absolutely ravishing tonight.
00:21:11Oh, Frederick, how very nice of you to say so.
00:21:14Yes.
00:21:16Um, isn't Matron looking charming over there, out of uniform?
00:21:23This is the happiest moment of my life.
00:21:26I shall taste it first, mate, if I was you.
00:21:29Yes.
00:21:30Of course I am.
00:21:32Ellen, my dear.
00:21:34To you.
00:21:35And to you, I'm sure.
00:21:41Goodness!
00:21:45Anyway, you won't have to worry much longer about getting nowhere.
00:21:49Really?
00:21:50Yes, I've had an offer to go to Italy.
00:21:52Filming.
00:21:53Italy?
00:21:54But that's miles away.
00:21:56Oh, clever boy.
00:21:57Oh, no, Goldie, you don't want to go, do you?
00:21:59Well, no, not really, but I do have to support myself being a single girl.
00:22:05Oh, hell.
00:22:06There must be some way around it.
00:22:07Yes, well, if you're the doctor, suggest something.
00:22:13I've got it.
00:22:14Yes, Jim?
00:22:16But there's a job going here, in the almaner's office.
00:22:19Oh, you make me so mad.
00:22:21Ladies and gentlemen, the next dance will be a general excuse me.
00:22:24Excuse me?
00:22:46May I, Doctor?
00:23:05Miss Fosdy, really, looks quite gay, doesn't she?
00:23:12My dear, my dear, I can't tell you how much tonight means to me, just to see your lovely face.
00:23:23I hear your voice.
00:23:24I hear your lovely voice.
00:23:27That's your place, a glass is loud, I can hardly ever think.
00:23:31Oh, do you go on, Frederick?
00:23:34Go on.
00:23:35What do you want to say?
00:23:36Oh, yes.
00:23:37Oh, I've dropped my napkin.
00:23:39Excuse me.
00:23:40You're lovely.
00:23:42Your eyes like stars.
00:23:43Frederick!
00:23:44I don't know whether it's me you're after, or my money.
00:23:47But if we get rid of it, I wish you could put that stupid piece of paper down and stop
00:23:50messing about.
00:23:56Stoppage, Doctor Stoppage, could you come, please?
00:23:59It's Miss Armitage.
00:23:59She's having one of her turns again.
00:24:01Oh, no.
00:24:02Would you excuse me, sir?
00:24:04Yes, of course, Doctor Stoppage.
00:24:05Run along.
00:24:07Ah!
00:24:09Stay where you are!
00:24:11All death before dishonor!
00:24:13You keep that lusty lecher away from me!
00:24:18Who's she talking about?
00:24:20You, Doctor.
00:24:21Me?
00:24:22Oh, I didn't think it showed.
00:24:25She's been like this ever since that incident in the washroom with Dr. Nookie.
00:24:28She thinks every man's after her.
00:24:31Well, we can't have her disturbing the rest of the patients like this.
00:24:34Now, come, come, Miss Armitage.
00:24:36We mustn't be a silly girl, must we?
00:24:38Keep back!
00:24:39Keep back!
00:24:40You know me.
00:24:42I'm Doctor Stoppage.
00:24:44You're all the same.
00:24:45You're only after one thing.
00:24:47No, no.
00:24:48That's quite untrue, Miss Armitage.
00:24:50I only want to get you into bed.
00:24:55Get out of here, you sex maniac!
00:24:59This is all Dr. Nookie's fault.
00:25:01The sooner he goes, the better.
00:25:03Well, you didn't exactly help matters, Doctor.
00:25:05Is there a private room free?
00:25:07Yes, number 10.
00:25:08Well, you'd better put her in there for tonight.
00:25:10And I will give you a sedative for her.
00:25:11Yes.
00:25:15Right.
00:25:16Give her one of these.
00:25:17She'll think it's the pill, but that can't be helped.
00:25:37There we are, my dear.
00:25:39Thank you, Frederick.
00:25:40As a matter of fact, I was wondering if you could help me.
00:25:43Well, of course, I'd do anything for you.
00:25:45You know that, my dear.
00:25:46You see, I'm in a bit of trouble.
00:25:50Oh, I don't think I could do anything like that.
00:25:53Well, you haven't heard what it is yet.
00:25:55It's that medical mission of mine in the Beatific Islands.
00:25:59Oh, I see.
00:26:00And how can I help you there?
00:26:01We lost our resident doctor there some weeks ago,
00:26:04and I haven't been able to find anyone to replace him.
00:26:07I'm not surprised.
00:26:08Any doctor would be a complete fool to bury himself in a dump like that.
00:26:12Well, surely you can find me someone.
00:26:13I doubt it.
00:26:14I don't know anyone so stupid.
00:26:18Oh, I don't know, though.
00:26:20Dr. Nookie.
00:26:22Oh, yes, sir.
00:26:23Tell me, how would you like to have a splendid job with a medical mission abroad?
00:26:28A medical mission abroad?
00:26:29Oh, you must be joking.
00:26:32Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:26:33A medical mission.
00:26:35You see, and believe me, they don't come any stupider than him.
00:26:38Well, if you can't do a simple thing like that to help me,
00:26:41I don't see how you expect me to help you.
00:26:43Oh, don't be like that, Ellen.
00:26:45It isn't much to ask.
00:26:46No, it isn't.
00:26:47And I promise you, I'll do my best to think of someone.
00:26:50You'd better.
00:26:51Well, the food comes, sir.
00:26:52Well, thank you very much, you see?
00:26:55Gotcha.
00:26:56Hello.
00:26:58Well, I do like a bit of lake.
00:27:00Yes?
00:27:02And all that.
00:27:03Well, I'll have some ham, and some turkey, and I'll have to, and...
00:27:06Salmon's what's gonna do.
00:27:13And...
00:27:39There we are. Sorry I've been so long.
00:27:42Right, there's ham and turkey for you.
00:27:43And one for me. I'm sorry, but it's only fruit cup.
00:27:46No, thanks. I have to watch my figure.
00:27:48Well, if I may say so, it's well worth watching.
00:27:51If I don't, I blow up like a balloon.
00:27:53That's all right. I know a good game with balloons.
00:27:56Cheers.
00:27:57Cheers.
00:28:00Now, as I was saying...
00:28:10That's pretty good stuff.
00:28:12It'll be quite all right now. There are no men in this room.
00:28:21Yes?
00:28:47Oh, I'm very sorry. I'm sorry it's me.
00:28:50Timmer down. Your boss has got his beady eye on you.
00:28:53Oh, you know what you can do with his beady eye.
00:28:55Ha ha ha.
00:29:03That wine cup must have been good. You've forgotten you're driving me home.
00:29:07Oh, is this all right? It's all right.
00:29:09Yeah, but what about the breathalyzer?
00:29:11What about it? I can still breathe.
00:29:13Oh, never mind. I'll walk home.
00:29:15Oh, no, no, no. Look, I see. I've got an idea. Look, stay here.
00:29:19Oh, yes? And where am I going to sleep if that's not a silly question?
00:29:23Nah, it is. See, of course, I've got it all worked out.
00:29:25There's a private room empty. Number ten.
00:29:29Oh, I don't know. Is it allowed?
00:29:31Well, of course. Who's to know? Come on, quick, before the rush.
00:29:42Jim, I don't think this is such a good idea.
00:29:45Oh, nonsense. It's a wonderful idea.
00:29:46Yes, but I haven't got a nightie or anything.
00:29:49Oh, I have.
00:29:49A nightie?
00:29:51No, no, I'll lend you my je-palmas.
00:29:54Pajamas.
00:29:55Well, that's what I said, je-palmas.
00:29:57Now, look, you go and get undressed and I'll bring them to you.
00:29:59Oh, Jim, darling, be sensible. I mean, we don't want to spoil things.
00:30:03Oh, you won't spoil them, no. You see, they're nylon. They drip dry.
00:30:06I didn't mean the pajamas.
00:30:07Oh, shh.
00:30:09Now, look, this is the room.
00:30:11Number ten.
00:30:12Now, I'll go and get them and then we can have a little...
00:30:16Oh, Jim, not that old bitch.
00:30:18I love you.
00:30:20Back, back soon.
00:30:26Mom, where are you?
00:30:30Oh, mow it, me old chum.
00:30:32You're our lad.
00:30:33Let's come.
00:30:35Taxi will be here in a minute, miss.
00:30:37Oh, thank you.
00:30:38Would you please see that Dr Knopper gets this first thing in the morning?
00:30:41Yes, certainly, miss.
00:30:56Oh, you're in bed, eh?
00:30:58Won't be a sec.
00:31:03Just a drop of the old passion juice to get us in the mood, eh?
00:31:06No.
00:31:10But it's all right.
00:31:12It's only the cork.
00:31:13I said it's only the...
00:31:15Ah!
00:31:16Ah!
00:31:17Oh, no.
00:31:18Oh, no, not you again.
00:31:19Ah!
00:31:20No, no, shush.
00:31:21Ah!
00:31:22No, no, no.
00:31:23I don't want you.
00:31:24I'm sorry, Goldie.
00:31:26I'll provide a patient for you, quickly.
00:31:27Come on.
00:31:31Goldie!
00:31:31Where are ya?
00:31:34Goldie!
00:31:37Goldie!
00:31:38Goldie!
00:31:39Goldie!
00:31:39Goldie!
00:31:39I might have known.
00:31:40Get back, you.
00:31:41Oh, I'll chop your head off.
00:31:43Get hold of him.
00:31:44He's mad.
00:31:45He won for casual tea.
00:31:50Goldie!
00:31:52Goldie, where are ya?
00:31:53Oh, fuck it.
00:31:55Goldie, hi.
00:31:56What?
00:31:57Goldie!
00:32:00Help!
00:32:02Goldie!
00:32:03Oh, us!
00:32:05Goldie!
00:32:07Let's go, me!
00:32:09Go!
00:32:13Ah!
00:32:15Ah!
00:32:19Ah!
00:32:22Ah!
00:32:22Ah!
00:32:22Look out!
00:32:23Ah!
00:32:25Ah!
00:32:27Ah!
00:32:27Oh, no!
00:32:28Let's go!
00:32:30Let's go!
00:32:30Ah!
00:32:52Dr. Nookie's explanation is that he went to the private ward to see his girlfriend.
00:32:56That is correct.
00:32:58What I don't understand is, if there was a girlfriend, why did she disappear?
00:33:02Well, you can't knock down a coconut every time.
00:33:05Hmm.
00:33:05No, I think what Mr. Carver means is that he had arranged a clandestine meeting with a girl,
00:33:11who then changed her mind.
00:33:12Quite so, Mr. Chairman.
00:33:13And I don't think we should condemn a doctor to be struck off just because he made the wrong diagnosis
00:33:17of what is or is not crump it.
00:33:25I'm sorry, darling, but I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl at heart.
00:33:30And I just don't like wearing jeepalmas.
00:33:34Goodbye.
00:33:35It's been fun.
00:33:37Go, dear.
00:33:39Well, he cannot be allowed to practice in this hospital, or in any other, for that matter.
00:33:43Of course not.
00:33:44But if I may have a quiet word with him, I think I've a solution that will satisfy everyone, with
00:33:50the possible exception of Dr. Nookie.
00:33:53All right, Mr. Carver.
00:34:00Bad news, sir?
00:34:01Disastrous.
00:34:02In fact, in medical parlance, you're up the Alimentary Canal without a paddle.
00:34:06Well, that means the Medical Council, then.
00:34:08No, no.
00:34:09I think I have enough influence with the board to dissuade them, providing I can assure them you're clear off
00:34:14out of the country.
00:34:14Go broad somewhere.
00:34:16Where, though?
00:34:16Well, there's always their job with the medical mission I was telling you about.
00:34:19Please, sir, I have not sunk that low.
00:34:21All right, it's up to you.
00:34:22I suppose there are other jobs for ex-doctors.
00:34:25Well, where is this mission?
00:34:29A place called Asia Bay in the Beatific Islands.
00:34:32Very good salary, too.
00:34:34The Beatific Islands?
00:34:36That doesn't sound too bad.
00:34:38Imagine it, Nookie.
00:34:39A tropical paradise, beautiful warm seas, the smell of oleander, dusky maidens, great big coconuts.
00:34:48Oh, I love great big coconuts.
00:34:50Well, no shortage of them out there, I can tell you.
00:34:52It's the heat.
00:34:53It has a funny effect on them.
00:34:54When can I go?
00:34:55Right away, if you like.
00:34:56Oh, I couldn't do that, sir.
00:34:57No, you see, I've got things to buy and I've got things to pack.
00:35:00You know, shall we say, half an hour.
00:35:25The Beatific Islands.
00:35:27Someone must have a sense of humor.
00:35:29Are you sure we're in the right country?
00:35:32Yes, yes.
00:35:33All right, Dr. Cookie.
00:35:34Nookie, mate!
00:35:35Nookie!
00:35:36Yes, yes, Cookie.
00:35:37I know.
00:35:38Look, there's medical mission as you obey.
00:35:43Oh, go blimey.
00:35:48Come on.
00:35:50Well, give us a push.
00:35:56Watch it.
00:35:58There's a crocker gator.
00:36:07Wait, please.
00:36:09I get mission order.
00:36:10Mr. Gladstone.
00:36:12Mr. Gladstone!
00:36:13Mr. Gladstone!
00:36:15Mr. Gladstone!
00:36:17Big white doctor from England, come.
00:36:25Excuse me, I was just breaking in one of the new nurses.
00:36:28Showing her where everything is, where it goes.
00:36:30This Dr. Kinky.
00:36:31Cookie.
00:36:32Yeah, no, no, no.
00:36:32I mean Nookie.
00:36:33I've been sent out to take over this mission.
00:36:36Oh?
00:36:36They didn't tell me they were sending anybody over?
00:36:38No, that's obvious.
00:36:39Anyway, welcome to Azure Bay, Doc.
00:36:42May the fertility of Sumaca swell your coconuts.
00:36:45I beg your pardon?
00:36:46Oh, it's just a local greeting, nothing personal.
00:36:48Oh.
00:36:48I'm the orderly here.
00:36:50Screwer's the name.
00:36:51Screwer.
00:36:51Gladstone Screwer.
00:36:52Most of them just call me Gladstone.
00:36:54I'm not altogether surprised.
00:36:56Well, may I come in?
00:36:58Oh, yes, yes.
00:36:59Katunga, Katunga, chop chop.
00:37:02Oh, I'm sorry about that.
00:37:05It's woodwork, you see.
00:37:09You all right?
00:37:10Yes, just a slight compound fracture, that's all.
00:37:12Oh, would you like to see the doctor?
00:37:14No, I was only joking.
00:37:16Doctor?
00:37:17You already have a doctor here?
00:37:19Oh, not a proper one, sort of local medicine man.
00:37:21Oh, sort of witch doctor.
00:37:23What doctor?
00:37:23Witch doctor.
00:37:24That's it, witch doctor.
00:37:26Very good for witches, but not for us.
00:37:28Yeah, well, would you like to have a look round the mission now?
00:37:30Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
00:37:32Tomorrow morning will do.
00:37:33All I want to do now is get a good sleep.
00:37:35Oh, well, I see you've got a hammock.
00:37:38I wouldn't use a...
00:37:45Oh, well.
00:37:46He shouldn't last too long.
00:37:59I don't know.
00:38:02Oh, well, I just...
00:38:16That's all I can do
00:38:31Good morning, Mr. Bledstone.
00:38:32Morning.
00:38:40Morning, Doc. Have a good sleep.
00:38:42No, I didn't. Those damn mosquitoes made a meal out of me.
00:38:45Oh, we've got lots of those.
00:38:46It's the drains, you know.
00:38:47Why, what's wrong with the drains?
00:38:49We haven't got any.
00:38:49Well, why not?
00:38:51I mean, Mrs. Moore provides enough money for this place.
00:38:53What do you do with it?
00:38:53Well, you know what it's like in a place like this.
00:38:55There's always lots of important medical supplies to be bought.
00:38:59Well, it obviously hasn't been spent on decoration.
00:39:01Coffee, Doc.
00:39:02Oh, thank you.
00:39:03Coconut?
00:39:04No, I'll have it black.
00:39:08Mmm.
00:39:09Unusual flavour.
00:39:11Yes, locally made.
00:39:12From beetles.
00:39:14Beetles?
00:39:15Beetle nuts, that is.
00:39:16Oh, oh, that's better.
00:39:17Very interesting how they do it, you know.
00:39:19The women roast the nuts, crush them in their teeth, then spit them out on mats to dry.
00:39:24Oh.
00:39:26Fascinating.
00:39:27Well, I'm glad to know they've got good drying weather for it.
00:39:29I've only seen rain so far.
00:39:31Oh, it only rains for nine months of the year.
00:39:34Nine months?
00:39:34Yes, we're in the pregnant belt.
00:39:37And what happens during the other three months?
00:39:39That's the hurricane period.
00:39:40Marvellous.
00:39:41Rain for nine months, hurricanes for three.
00:39:43Yeah, that's why the natives call these islands all peace and a fafa.
00:39:47All rain and wind.
00:39:49Charming.
00:39:50Well, what time does this surgery open, then?
00:39:52Anytime you like, Doc.
00:39:52Nobody ever comes to it, anyway.
00:39:54What do you mean, nobody ever comes to it?
00:39:56Well, they all go to the native doctor.
00:39:57They don't believe in white man's medicine.
00:39:58Then what the hell am I supposed to be doing here?
00:40:00Oh, there's bags to do, Doc.
00:40:02Swimming.
00:40:03If you're not worried about sharks.
00:40:04Then there's the old indoor sports.
00:40:05That's even more popular.
00:40:06If you'd like me to fix you up with a bit of crap.
00:40:08Oh, no, no, no.
00:40:08Thank you very much.
00:40:09Oh, hang on.
00:40:10Hang on.
00:40:12We've got a jigsaw puzzle here.
00:40:13Steady, goodness.
00:40:14Queen Victoria and her family.
00:40:15Five hundred pieces.
00:40:16No, no, I'm wrong.
00:40:17Four hundred and ninety-nine.
00:40:18One drop down to watch it.
00:40:19Look, Gladstone, if nobody ever comes here for treatment,
00:40:22what is the good of spending all this money on medicine?
00:40:24I mean, look there, it's masses of it.
00:40:26Masses.
00:40:27Just look at that.
00:40:31Whiskey.
00:40:32Where did that come from?
00:40:33That?
00:40:34That came from an old wreck.
00:40:36What old wreck?
00:40:37The last doctor we had here.
00:40:40This is ridiculous.
00:40:41Ridiculous.
00:40:42I mean, just look at this place.
00:40:44It's a hospital.
00:40:46There's nothing in there, Doc.
00:40:47Our bags and breakfast.
00:40:55I thought you said there were no patients here.
00:40:58Well, they're not exactly patients, Scott.
00:41:00Well, what are they doing here, then?
00:41:01Well, actually, they're my wives and kids.
00:41:04Your wives?
00:41:05Only these five here.
00:41:07Come on, I'll introduce it.
00:41:09There we are.
00:41:09There's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
00:41:17And last, but definitely not least, Friday.
00:41:19That's it.
00:41:20Well, I'll be damned.
00:41:21Well, at least you've got no problem with what to do with your spare time.
00:41:24Oh, I don't know.
00:41:24There's not much doing at the weekend.
00:41:26Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:41:31Um, I hope you don't mind them stopping here, Doc.
00:41:35It's a pity not to use the beds, and it does save me a long walk to the village.
00:41:38Yes, and I can see you have to conserve every ounce of your strength.
00:41:42Hmm, it's a good skeleton.
00:41:44Did the last doctor leave it here?
00:41:45That is the last doctor.
00:41:48That's it.
00:41:55Call me in a couple of weeks.
00:41:58If you lost that long.
00:42:00Ha, ha, ha.
00:42:01Oh.
00:42:03To it.
00:42:08It's just the place, my dear.
00:42:10It'll make a marvelous private clinic.
00:42:12Twenty bedrooms, that marvelous attic studio as an operating theater,
00:42:15and those magnificent drawing rooms.
00:42:18Suppose I put up the money.
00:42:20What do I get out of it?
00:42:21Oh, a partnership.
00:42:22Of course, my dear.
00:42:23You know that.
00:42:24Yes, but I haven't said I'd buy yet.
00:42:26Oh, come, you did agree.
00:42:28You said if I found you a doctor for your mission.
00:42:30Yes, but I don't even know if he's all right.
00:42:32I haven't heard from them since he arrived.
00:42:35Anything might be happening.
00:42:36Nothing might be.
00:43:04Nothing might be.
00:43:26Breakfast, Doc.
00:43:30Good news. The rains have stopped. The Hurricanes are here.
00:43:32Yes, I had noticed that.
00:43:36Doc, Doc, why don't you go home? This place is no good to you.
00:43:41There's nothing to go home for, isn't there, Gladstone?
00:43:44Nobody loves me.
00:43:45Well, you go by me if you stay here. I've seen it happen.
00:43:47My own father, for instance. He come out as a missionary, you know.
00:43:50Ah, but missionaries are good men. People love them.
00:43:56Oh, Gladstone, look, why do you stay out here yourself?
00:43:59Well, I was born here. I don't know any different.
00:44:01I get enough for my simple needs.
00:44:03Yes, in the hospital, eh?
00:44:07Hey, Doc. A bit of that wouldn't do you any, I mean, huh?
00:44:10I mean, these jigsaw puzzles are all right, but they'll never replace the other.
00:44:14Well, I only want one moment.
00:44:16One's enough to start with, I suppose, yes.
00:44:18I didn't mean that exactly.
00:44:19Now, Doc, let's listen to me a minute.
00:44:20We have a bird here unattached. Beautiful.
00:44:24I've been thinking about her myself, but I'm already doing a five-day week.
00:44:26Oh, no, no, no.
00:44:27No, don't you, no.
00:44:28Listen, listen. She'd do anything for you.
00:44:31Absolutely anything.
00:44:33Anything?
00:44:34Anything.
00:44:35Oh, I could do with a bit of help with my jigsaw.
00:44:39All aboard, Doc. Don't move. I'll bring her in.
00:44:43Scrubber!
00:44:44Scrubber.
00:44:45It's a funny name for a girl.
00:44:54What's the matter? Don't you like?
00:44:55Oh, no, no.
00:44:56No, no, I mean, it's just that she's...
00:45:00Look, could we be alone for a few moments?
00:45:03Yes, smile, Doc. I'll be back in a minute.
00:45:04No, not me and her. You and me.
00:45:06Oh, oh, I see.
00:45:08All right, then.
00:45:09Thank you, lad.
00:45:14How many's bothering you, Doc?
00:45:16Oh, well, it's just that...
00:45:18Well, she's a charming girl and all that, but she's not quite what I expected.
00:45:22I see. She's not big enough for you.
00:45:24Oh, on the contrary, she could well have been the original white man's burden.
00:45:27I don't understand it. I mean, out here we like them big.
00:45:30A woman's attraction is judged by her size.
00:45:33Oh, yeah.
00:45:34Well, I'm quite certain her mantelpiece is stuffed with trophies.
00:45:37But you see, well, where I come from, we like them sort of more...
00:45:43Just a minute.
00:45:47See, more like that.
00:45:50Straight?
00:45:51Well, with a bit of a wiggle here and there.
00:45:54Preferably there.
00:45:56Yeah, well, that's amazing, isn't it?
00:45:57Well, if that's what you want, it's easy enough.
00:45:59Just give us a week.
00:45:59Oh, Gladstone, what's the point?
00:46:03Oh, those damn drums.
00:46:05What if they keep pounding like that?
00:46:06Shh!
00:46:08Hang on.
00:46:10Gladstone, where you going?
00:46:13Gladstone?
00:46:15Gladstone, Gladstone...
00:46:16Shh, shh, shh.
00:46:18It can't be.
00:46:20Well, what's wrong?
00:46:22Manchester United, six.
00:46:24Chelsea, one.
00:46:29Arsenal, five.
00:46:31Wolves, nil.
00:46:46Wait here.
00:46:55is mr carver in yes mrs moore and i'm afraid he's seeing something that's right me now take a deep
00:47:01breath and don't breathe out until i say so good now oh ellen my dear how fortunate i've got the
00:47:10contract for the house here for you to sign never mind that take a look at this is this gladstone
00:47:15screw up the orderly of the medical mission go on read it oh yes of course dear madam it is
00:47:20with
00:47:20great regret that i write to inform you of the disgraceful behavior of your new dr nookie
00:47:26since coming here he's done nothing but drink whiskey and debauch women and unless he's recalled
00:47:33both items will soon be exhausted whilst he's been doing this he's been neglecting his duties and all
00:47:38around him the natives are dying like flies flies flies yes it's flies what's wrong with him
00:47:46yeah it's all right you can breathe out now
00:47:51nobos hystericus i knew there was something going on i had a premonition well i really don't know
00:47:56what to do well you better think of something i'll write him a stiff letter very stiff letter
00:47:59on cardboard this is no joke frederick you'll have to find another doctor i can't do that i have enough
00:48:04trouble getting him out there well you better think of something or you can tear up this contract
00:48:08no wait i'll fly out there myself right away how about that very well then so long as it is
00:48:13right away
00:48:40doc hey dr nookie
00:48:43is that goldie no no it's me gladstone here i brought that bird back remember scrubber
00:48:49oh no yes yes you'll like her this time i'll bring her in
00:48:53no no no i told you last week all i want is
00:49:04is that the same thing of course
00:49:11but last week she was as big as her with the norm but now look how does she do it
00:49:17well the doctor gave me some stuff what medicine yeah it's easy enough easy enough i know women back home
00:49:22would give her fortune for that sort of stuff yes a fortune that is it
00:49:27thank you all right oh yes fine gladstone how does he make that stuff oh a little juice from the
00:49:33banyan
00:49:33tree pounded parrot droppings little gnats milk do you think i could make it oh no the definite art
00:49:39to it have you ever tried to milk a nat all right all right but if i were to pay
00:49:43for it would he give it to me then
00:49:44hey yes you know money hackers guilt how about uh 100 english cigarettes a bottle
00:49:51cigarettes well that's the usual currency around here
00:49:54200 if you like 200 it's a deal here we are twice daily for a week injected
00:50:01cigarettes first oh no no no i know you i want to give them to him myself then i can
00:50:05make certain of a regular supply
00:50:06let me tell you something that doctor i was telling you about is me you him i might have known
00:50:20there we are and there'll be plenty more coming so get out your milking stool
00:50:27she wants to know she can do something to please you now oh no no yes yes there is
00:50:35she can help me pack i'm going back home
00:50:50thank you george i shall be going back to the clinic at 12
00:51:04she can help me pack up
00:51:04she can help me pack up
00:51:20you know daddy
00:51:29she can help me pack up
00:51:33Oh, Deidre.
00:51:35Oh, Deidre.
00:51:38I don't know what I would have done without you.
00:51:40Well, I do feel one should do everything one can to please one's employer.
00:51:45I mean, when one doesn't do all that silly typing in shorthand,
00:51:49one has to make up for it in other ways.
00:51:52But doesn't one?
00:51:54Oh, well, I expect so, yes.
00:51:56Well, I suppose it's about time we got down to it.
00:51:59Anything you say, the Doctor.
00:52:09I'm ready.
00:52:15Oh, no, no, I meant to go through the letters.
00:52:18Oh.
00:52:19I do feel I should point out that I like my employers
00:52:22to make their needs absolutely clear, Doctor.
00:52:26Well, now, er...
00:52:28Are these all...
00:52:30Are these all applications for treatment?
00:52:33Yes, Doctor.
00:52:34Now, er...
00:52:35What time's my first appointment?
00:52:36In ten minutes, Doctor.
00:52:39So if there's anything else you want...
00:52:44Well, as a matter of fact, I...
00:52:46I would like to have a look at my paper.
00:52:49It's there for you, Doctor.
00:52:52Oh, yes, I know it is.
00:52:56Oh, oh, the paper.
00:52:57Oh.
00:52:58Thank-thank-thank-thank you very much.
00:53:05What's this?
00:53:06Well-known surgeon say?
00:53:09Mr. Frederick Carver, eminent British surgeon, boarding a plane last night for England.
00:53:15Mr. Carver was one of the survivors of the schooner Bella Vista, which foundered in a hurricane off the beatific
00:53:20isles last Sunday.
00:53:21Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:53:35Keep the change.
00:53:44mr carver sir welcome back how nice to see you looking so well as one of a mind all that
00:53:50where's dr nookie where is he oh he's not been back here not being back here what do you mean
00:53:55not back here be off with you now there are no beds here for vagrants vagrants who's that
00:54:05the new matron sir the new matron what happened to miss sopa oh she left three months ago left why
00:54:12what's going on around here where's dr stoppage oh you'll be in his in your office sir in my office
00:54:21indeed oh hello sir i didn't know you were back her obviously you didn't and what may i ask you
00:54:31doing lolling about in my office oh i'm sorry sir but they asked me to take over while you're away
00:54:35you see we didn't know if you were coming back i very nearly didn't get back oh i can't say
00:54:40i blame
00:54:40you sir all those dusky island beauties pretty hot stuff stoppage you don't seem to realize what i've
00:54:45been through i was three months on that wretched island all of them in bed most of the time
00:54:49trying to stop them scratching really i have no idea they're so passionate they had chickenpox you
00:54:55fool and so did i but surely you must have had it before no i've never had it never had
00:55:00it i've never
00:55:00had time to have it when i did get off the wretched island the the boat sank oh how awful
00:55:07and you know who's responsible for it don't you knocking oh by the time i finish with him he'll never
00:55:12practice medicine again he'll be lucky to get a job curing kippers oh then you hadn't heard sir
00:55:18heard heard what it seems he's on the way to making a fortune what apparently he's made a wonderful
00:55:24new discovery for curing chronic overweight rubbish he couldn't discover a soft cushion as a cure
00:55:29for a boil on the backside oh it's absolutely true sir it's been in all the papers fancy consulting
00:55:34rooms wonderful new country clinic more clinics to follow impossible where would he get the money
00:55:39from for all that well he's gone into partnership with that wealthy widow mrs moore oh no i'm afraid
00:55:46so sir as a matter of fact there's a picture of their new clinic in last month's journal there oh
00:55:50that's
00:55:52the place she was going to buy for me
00:55:58he must be making a blooming fortune gladstone we'll have to get in on this
00:56:06saturday boy saturday
00:56:10did you call yes i'm gonna have to take a trip
00:56:14oh that's nice would you like me to come with you now you stay here the rest will do you
00:56:18good
00:56:19do you like me to come and to ask all you who are heavy laden
00:56:40in the first three months of business we've cleared ten thousand marvellous so that's what they
00:56:46mean by living off the fat of the land eh jim i'm so glad you came to me with this
00:56:52i feel it was
00:56:53fated you see us to get together no no ellen we we must keep this purely on a business partnership
00:57:00oh i
00:57:00mean business believe me yes well uh about these clinics jim i've decided yes i want to have it off
00:57:10what i want you to book me in for the cure oh oh that yes well uh how about next
00:57:16monday the stuff
00:57:17should have arrived by then the stuff what stuff oh well it doesn't mean anything to you but i have
00:57:23to use certain things in my serum and i have to order them from abroad and they haven't come yet
00:57:27no not this month's supply i've sent an urgent cable though oh come in
00:57:33excuse me doctor mr carver's here frederick hello this looks like trouble yes he was furious when he
00:57:39arrived when he saw i was working here he practically blew his top surely you're not afraid of frederick
00:57:44are you me yes why well it was due to me that he spent three months on devil's island oh
00:57:50well you
00:57:50just leave this to me tact that's all it needs tact and understanding
00:57:57well well well talk about bad pennies turning up
00:58:02traitress jezebel viper in my bosom now now we'll have none of that filthy talk here if you don't mind
00:58:09what have you done to me this place was to be my dream a temple dedicated to advanced surgery and
00:58:17what have you turned it into a lard removing factory how dare you talk like that jim is doing
00:58:23wonderful work here oh it's jim now is it oh not content with taking away my clinic and half my
00:58:29staff
00:58:30is after you too well he's even madder than i thought dr nookie and i enjoy a purely business
00:58:35relationship that is he enjoys it i can't say i do well you won't be enjoying it much longer
00:58:40i'm gonna make it my business to expose him for the fake that he is you're always exposing something
00:58:46anyway how do you know it's a fake you haven't even seen what he's doing yet i don't need to
00:58:50thank
00:58:50you i've seen enough come unto me all you who are heavy laden disgusting do you want to see around
00:58:56the place or don't you well i may as well now that i'm here right i'll show you the befores
00:59:00first
00:59:01the what the befores the clinic is divided into two sections before and after good grief it gets worse and
00:59:11worse
00:59:20if you should ask tell him i've gone to town for a year or two yes doctor
00:59:29dr nookie oh dr nookie i wanted a word with you yes well i i know what a mess i
00:59:35got you into
00:59:35over that mission business and i'm truly sorry don't worry about that my boy it was entirely my own
00:59:40fault for sending you out there in the first place a complete waste of a very valuable talent
00:59:44hey you're doing a wonderful job here really wonderful excellent results how do you actually
00:59:51do it well it's just an injection a a serum sir a serum really what's in it a hundred guineas
00:59:59a
00:59:59week no i didn't mean that a hundred guineas eh that is interesting well naturally the formula
01:00:07is a secret oh naturally you don't want every tom dick and harry trying to cash in on it just
01:00:13a
01:00:13select few certain distinguished members of the medical profession we don't need any more partners
01:00:19if that's what you mean no no of course you don't well i'll be getting along now but carry on
01:00:24the good
01:00:24work dr nookie you have my fullest support blimey what's up with you you mean what's he up to it
01:00:33must
01:00:34be something he picked up in the beatemic islands natural diseases and their remedies ancient tribal
01:00:41medicine possible the arts of the witch doctor yeah i mean nookie goes out there a stupid ignorant
01:00:48idiot and within three months he comes back a productive genius i must find out what his cure
01:00:53is ah well the best way to do that is to get someone in his clinic but who who could
01:00:57i trust me
01:00:58don't be silly he knows you yes of course he does in any case they're only taking in women at
01:01:04the moment
01:01:04yes yes he'd never suspect a woman would he no of course he wouldn't ah but who would you get
01:01:14to be the
01:01:23woman come in oh doctor miss madder arrived this morning she's in her room madder melody madder
01:01:31oh the film star from italy oh i remember now all right i'll see her could you get the scales
01:01:36ready
01:01:36matron yeah by the way i had a call from mr carver he said he's bringing a friend of his
01:01:40over for
01:01:40treatment a lady puddleton we're full up doctor i couldn't very well refuse him oh the old basket
01:01:46of favor i'll try and talk them out of it when they get here not that anybody will get any
01:01:50treatment
01:01:51if gladstone doesn't come through with some stuff pretty soon i don't understand it what the devil's
01:01:55what's he up to eight and six come eight six eight six that's uh about 33 isn't it 33 yeah
01:02:18that's for you here wait a minute
01:02:26come in a doctor miss madder's here i'll be with you in a moment miss madder if you'd just like
01:02:33to be
01:02:33taking your clothes off please same old jim goldie goldie it's me all right don't you like it yes yes
01:02:45i do but melody madder oh don't blame me that was the studio's idea still it's better than goldilocks
01:02:51or is it but this is ridiculous now why didn't you tell me oh i don't know i wasn't at
01:02:57all sure i wanted
01:02:57to see you again and well then the studio said i had to get weight off and here i am
01:03:02you must be
01:03:03joking you expect me to sabotage such a gorgeous figure yeah well it may be gorgeous to you but it's
01:03:09unfashionable in case you hadn't noticed these days the bone has replaced the boobs anyway you're not
01:03:17going back to italy you're gonna stay here with me no jim i've waited too long for this and i've
01:03:24waited
01:03:24too long too now now you stay away from me jim no i don't want to you and i'm gonna
01:03:29get away from me
01:03:30again
01:03:51do you mind as a matter of fact i doubt well i do now about it then who are you
01:03:58what are you doing
01:03:59here screw is the name gladstone screwer gladstone oh oh well i'm the matron here my name's miss sopa
01:04:07sopa i don't like that much i know i'll call you sunday well i won't be in i think you'd
01:04:14better come
01:04:14and see dr nookie he's been rather worried about you this way please oh this way
01:04:23gladstone wow well doc that's a new one on me
01:04:27what are you doing here
01:04:32that's the one you were telling me about isn't it the flat one with a little bit of here and
01:04:35there
01:04:36is that how you refer to me no no not exactly look i'll explain later uh matron could you take
01:04:41miss madder to her room please gladstone what are you doing here and why haven't you sent that stuff
01:04:47this month stuff oh you mean that stuff you were so clever to discover oh well that wasn't my idea
01:04:52um
01:04:53you know what newspapers are like yeah big pieces of paper with print all over them yeah yes but why
01:04:58didn't you send it well i thought i'd bring it myself this time and have a look at this famous
01:05:02clinic that's making all that lovely money you've bought it good old gladstone i knew you wouldn't
01:05:06let me down but you know you didn't have to go to all that trouble to bring it oh it
01:05:10was no trouble
01:05:11at all i enjoyed the trip well i won't delay you you want to uh enjoy the trip back no
01:05:15no no no rush
01:05:16i thought i'd stay for a little while oh no no you can't can't do that no no you see
01:05:19you you'd hate
01:05:20it there's nothing here uh nothing at all and i don't suppose you thought to bring your wives with
01:05:24you i've only got one left now oh saturday miss fosdick old carver's secretary she stayed on
01:05:30made me get rid of all the others said she hadn't come all that way to start queuing all over
01:05:34again
01:05:34whiskey no thank you look about this stuff uh well i think we ought to drink to our new partnership
01:05:40partnership yeah well that's what they call it when you split everything 50 50 in it
01:05:43oh i couldn't do that gladstone i i've got a partner already you see but but i would be
01:05:47more than happy to to increase the payments shall we say uh king-size cigarettes perhaps i'd rather
01:05:53have half the money and i'll buy me own smokes i'm afraid i can't do that gladstone you think it
01:05:57over
01:05:58doc i'm sure you'll agree you mean you won't let me have the stuff unless i do oh i didn't
01:06:02say that
01:06:03i wouldn't do a rotten thing like that hang on that's all right thank you but i want it understood
01:06:09no partnership definitely we'll see tomorrow hey hey it looks a bit thicker than usual yes well at
01:06:16this time of the year the next milk gets a bit rich come in excuse me i think you ought
01:06:22to know mr
01:06:22carver's just driven up oh carver the one that came out our way oh i'd like to see him again
01:06:27oh no no
01:06:27no no no you mustn't it's uh it's not the same carver no it's a it's another bloke you just
01:06:31sit
01:06:31there and enjoy your drink um matron was just wondering whether you'd like to go to her room
01:06:40with her oh it's a bit early in the day but hang on i just finished my drink no right
01:06:44now she said
01:06:45she can't wait for it i mean for you to finish the drink this way mr gladstone and down the
01:06:53corridor
01:06:54please hurry i've heard of swinging britain but this is ridiculous try and keep him here till carver's
01:07:00gone yes this way oh it's you sir do come in thank you dr lucky i have a rather important
01:07:07patient for
01:07:08you i come this way lady paddleton don't be shy we've no room sir i would be very grateful if
01:07:12you take
01:07:13her on it means quite a lot to me and she is a very distinguished person uh this is dr
01:07:17nookie my
01:07:18dear how do you do oh hello you can see her ladyship's trouble she is top heavy definitely the top
01:07:25is heavy
01:07:25the top is heavy you see interferes with her riding and gets in the way of the horse's head
01:07:29can't see where you're going can you my dear no poor thing i hope you'll start the treatment right
01:07:34away doctor this evening i hope well of course actually we're full up at the moment so if you don't
01:07:38mind sharing a room with someone else oh no as long as it's with another man good i beg your
01:07:44pardon
01:07:45no no no your ladyship you can't do that here oh you know what the trouble of these country folk
01:07:50is
01:07:50they're off the horse and on the job well i'll leave you with dr nookie now thank you very much
01:07:55indeed
01:07:55dr nookie good luck lady paddleton wait i can't share a room with a woman what about undressing good heavens
01:08:03man you're a doctor she'll have nothing to surprise you oh well i have something to surprise her
01:08:08anyway i'll come back late tonight to see how you're getting on and we can leave together if
01:08:13you've already had it had it had what the treatment you fool anyway don't worry my dear dr nookie will
01:08:22take good care of you won't you doctor well of course sir she'll be all right with me thank you
01:08:26so
01:08:27much now you must try to relax lady paddleton now as soon as you've met the other girls i guarantee
01:08:32dr nookie dr nookie i must talk to you at once oh oh well very well may turn in my
01:08:38office please
01:08:39now would you excuse me lady paddleton i won't be a moment just sit down thank you
01:08:49you needn't wait doctor i'm quite all right
01:09:07funny woman funny woman well mate what's your problem eh i'm sorry doctor but i cannot stay
01:09:13with that man any longer oh well that's all right carver's gone now why what happened i'd rather not
01:09:18say all it is to think about is whiskey and sex well where he comes from they can't get soda
01:09:23that's not funny doctor no and anyway i don't think you ought to have him around with all these
01:09:28women here oh well that's all right i aim to get rid of him as soon as i can but
01:09:31just at the moment
01:09:32there's something that's worrying me even more what's that well that lady puddleton i don't know what it
01:09:37is quite but there is something very peculiar about it
01:10:04what a dirty underhand trick fancy mr carver doing that
01:10:09you'll get rid of him at once of course yes no no i mean look he's come for the treatment
01:10:13and he's gonna get it the full treatment this is our chance to teach him and old gladstone a lesson
01:10:19they will never forget oh there you are gladstone hello duck hello nurse look look we're full up at
01:10:33the moment as i told you but matron here has very kindly said that you can sleep in her room
01:10:37tonight
01:10:38oh that's what i call real hospitality i am moving in with nurse trumper
01:10:45what's the matter with her frigid ah well you'll find that the women over here aren't quite so uh
01:10:49uninhibited gladstone oh what's happened to this submissive society i've been hearing about as a
01:10:54matter of fact there is one woman here who definitely fancies you only one well this will be enough uh
01:11:00name's lady puddleton no tallish woman hatchet for thin face you know with glasses yes yes i've been
01:11:06looking at her the one with the big that's him her not not much to look at mind you well
01:11:12we don't
01:11:12bother much about looks where i come from the nights are very dark you know oh lady puddleton i don't
01:11:18think you've met mrs moore how do you do oh hello you'll be sharing her room i believe we have
01:11:23a mutual
01:11:24friend lady puddleton mr carver oh yes indeed such a charming man a trifle slow perhaps but have you
01:11:31known him long brother we roomed together at medical school good evening ladies well i'm pleased
01:11:39to tell you that your big moment has arrived as soon as you're all in bed i shall be round
01:11:44to give
01:11:45you your first injection right off you go ladies except miss madder and lady puddleton that is now
01:11:58jim don't try and stop me i'm definitely having that treatment i'm not trying to stop you miss madder
01:12:03it's just that you and lady puddleton have yet to be weighed oh well that's all right then so if
01:12:08you'd
01:12:08both go to my office with matron and do it now stripped of course come along lady puddleton uh
01:12:15doctor i can't possibly undress in front of other people oh and why not well you see i've got one
01:12:23yes yes you have haven't you never mind nobody's going to look i mean after all
01:12:27it's all girls together isn't it hey come on your tires are a bit flat let's have a look at
01:12:34the rest of
01:12:35ah gladstone i don't believe you've met mr screwer lady puddleton how do you do hello see you like
01:12:40that microns room well uh come along lady puddleton you know i'm going straight to bed no no darling
01:12:46now do what the doctor says first i can wait here you go lady puddleton
01:13:06oh she can't wait
01:13:12good evening miss monsward now don't worry it's just a little prick
01:13:22oh what a pretty night dress your ladyship i've never had one myself i always sleep in the raw you
01:13:28know
01:13:30my husband preferred it that way he was a very active man
01:13:35oh i wonder if you'd mind unhooking this for me
01:13:48oh thank you so much oh it's nice to think we shan't be needing these things much longer
01:14:01come in well well and how are we getting on then oh like a house on fire aren't we dear
01:14:07that's fine
01:14:08that's fine i'll bet you two girls will have plenty to talk about now who's going to be first oh
01:14:12me
01:14:13where do you have it face down on the bed right hold still now
01:14:33right now it's your turn lady puddleton right thank you matron
01:14:43no no i can't have it there well we'd like to put it in a place where it won't be
01:14:48seen your ladyship
01:14:49well i have it in my arm then i always keep that well covered very well if you wish
01:14:55might i be permitted to know what is in your serum most certainly let's see there's banyan tree juice
01:15:01powdered parrot droppings and nuts milk
01:15:04burn of course i can't tell you the proportions secret right well good night ladies and sleep tight
01:15:19oh i'd love to watch those two for the rest of the night well is that all then
01:15:23only miss madder left now doctor oh well i'll see to her matron yes good night doctor and you matron
01:15:36come in
01:15:42good evening miss madder good evening doctor
01:15:47time for your injection that is if you still want to have it i can't think of anything else i'd
01:15:52rather
01:15:52have right turn over please
01:16:02i'll uh i'll need your nightie pulled up well go ahead i'm sure you've had plenty of practice at doing
01:16:07that all right look are you are you absolutely sure you want me to absolutely all right then
01:16:27good night and good luck
01:16:48come right in darling everything's ready
01:16:51oh it's you yes i'm sorry to disappoint you mr screwer but i require some night clothes
01:16:57all right for sure you don't have to move out you know it's a big bed well as i told
01:17:02you earlier
01:17:03today i'm not your sort of woman oh i don't mean anything nasty i'll marry you first marry me are
01:17:08you mad marry me in the middle of the night oh where i come from it's a very simple ceremony
01:17:13all right nothing to worry about we just make a quick cut in each other's left hands put them
01:17:17together say we are one and it's all legal oh i see sort of instant wedlock that's it only out
01:17:24there
01:17:24they call it a bleeding ceremony yes they often call it that here too right you ready then no no
01:17:30no i have no urge to marry you oh don't worry about that the urge comes later no thank you
01:17:37but no
01:17:40okay you'll feel different when i'm a partner here fortunately that is something you will never be mr
01:17:46screwer no no i wouldn't be too sure about that
01:17:57oh that's better oh i uh i wonder if you'd mind rubbing some talp on my back
01:18:11i'm ready dear
01:18:25oh sir thank goodness you're here what is it what's happened nothing here at any moment
01:18:29have you had it up to the neck i mean the treatment you fool i've had the lot quick in
01:18:34here
01:18:41well what is it it's an injection yes i know but do you know what's in the stuff oh yes
01:18:46he told me
01:18:47oh that's marvelous what is it well now let me see uh it's banyan tree juice a powdered parrot's milk
01:18:53and nat's droppings what ah but it could be the other way around you're trying to be funny
01:18:58that's what he told me you fool he was having you on
01:19:01well i'll show him listen next time you have to have an injection you must pinch some of the stuff
01:19:08oh no there is not going to be a next i'm not staying here what you must i can't it's
01:19:15bad enough
01:19:15having to sleep with a woman but there's a horrible man chasing after me as well don't be ridiculous
01:19:20what man in his right mind would do a thing like that do you mind he's inviting me to go
01:19:25to his room
01:19:25tonight he must be mad who is he what's his name oh it's uh gladstone or something gladstone
01:19:32oh it's all making sense not to me it isn't oh it's marvelous and he wants you to go to
01:19:39his room
01:19:40tonight yes well off you go then all right then
01:19:49go on i'll be out here if you get into any trouble
01:20:02well i'd almost given you up
01:20:06i can't stay very long i'm afraid as long as it's long enough hey
01:20:09i still feel a bit weak after the injections oh you better come and lie down on the bed then
01:20:13i wonder what's in it what the bed no silly the injections who cares i bet you know a clever
01:20:18man
01:20:19like you maybe well do tell me i'm dying to know i'll have to get to know you'll be better
01:20:23first
01:20:25what are you doing well we've got to do things right we'll have to get married first what doesn't
01:20:28hurt much just a quick slash i don't want a quick i don't want to get married oh well suit
01:20:33yourself
01:20:33only don't come complaining to me afterwards no you mustn't oh
01:20:49oh
01:20:50oh blimey he couldn't have been
01:20:53it was
01:20:54dr nookie
01:20:55doc
01:20:56dr nookie
01:20:57dr nookie
01:20:59dr nookie where are you
01:21:02come on let's get out of here
01:21:08dr nookie
01:21:12all right all right what's wrong what's the matter that that woman lady piddleton
01:21:16podleton yeah well she's a fella oh i know that how did you find her i'd hate to tell you
01:21:20where is she now she went through there i think it's about time we had a talk to her
01:21:23dr nookie
01:21:29look the serum just what we've been looking for
01:21:33serum yeah
01:21:35well what's in it search me as far as i'm concerned it might as well be net's milk
01:21:39you try it you've done analysis yes
01:21:43no put some on your tongue man taste it oh
01:21:48ah
01:22:02oh so that's your little game eh
01:22:05i'll trouble you for that bottle no no no no i'm keeping this i think the medical council will be
01:22:10interested in this dr nookie's brilliant discovery just a minute so can't we talk this over there's
01:22:16nothing to talk over unless of course you're offering me a partnership i've already got a
01:22:21partner yes but i've got the stuff oh no you haven't mate i have you mean this isn't the
01:22:28weight reducing serum no that stuff does something very queer what does it do you're just about to find out
01:22:41uh
01:22:49a sex change good gracious
01:22:52ha ha ha ha
01:22:53ha ha ha ha
01:23:08Well, how about a kiss, Mrs. Nookie, eh?
01:23:13Oh, you didn't have a very close shave this morning, did you?
01:23:16Don't worry, darling. I will before tonight.
01:23:19Hooray!
01:23:24Hooray!
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