- 16 hours ago
First broadcast 28th December 2012.
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TVTranscript
00:08And welcome to QI!
00:11Now, the journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single question.
00:16Where the hell did I leave my passport.
00:19I lost mine on a plane once, and it had gone down under the cushion of my seat, the actual
00:26plane seat yep i was on the plane for a i refused to get off the plane you have to
00:30get your seat
00:30disassembled i've had that and eventually i found it that was the end of the story oh that's a
00:38beautiful story that is that is a lovely lovely story is it you specifically you where did you
00:45leave your parcel we know it's this technique the university of wisconsin when you lose something
00:50it actually helps to say the name of the thing that you have lost or you're looking for
00:55dignity yes exactly for me that would make it worse that would just draw attention to it
01:07your wallet has a name well no it's just peregrine peregrine
01:24it might work it has now
01:30anyway that's not the point the point is for example you open a cup of drawing where the
01:34hell's the garlic peeler or whatever um if you just say garlic peeler the garlic peeler or whatever
01:38it might be Andrew Andrew you're you're missing my point about names here
01:47i just mean the the word we give the thing it's normal description as found in a dictionary not
01:55from a list of given names it isn't julian the cheese grater
02:00have you ever had a macaroni pie no yeah i don't believe such a thing yes no no no no
02:07yes
02:08i had fun in glasgow last week it's the most astonishing thing it's a pie but it's filled with
02:11macaroni cheese it's it it's honestly you look at it you just think i'm going to have a horse jack
02:15i'm
02:15going to meet me to be like
02:17sandy came up to my hometown and of course i thought i could show many of the delights of my
02:22hometown or or i
02:23take her to a bus stop and give her a macaroni pie and so we stood uh because if you
02:28eat outside
02:29it's like al fresco it's european and this is in a bus stop pouring rain two two two lesbians eating
02:36a macaroni pie in the middle of Glasgow it treated quite a stir yes how many times have you dreamt
02:43of
02:43two lesbians eating a macaroni
02:47girl on girl macaroni pie
02:55that's niche that's niche in america
03:00adults are to blame they always read into things don't they something filthy with the children's
03:05stuff i know they do you know what's that one bert and ernie they always thought something was going
03:10on there yep with those two sleeping together yes i mean obviously there is something going on there but
03:17that's fine that's a bad example yeah i know noddy there's another one yeah something's going on
03:26there with those shoes yes moms sometimes there genuinely is so yes you know i mean like anal
03:33witness four for example there's any one way of looking at it well i'm afraid but like i sort of
03:39reading i think having kids you do read into it like fireman sam you know fireman sam all right
03:43here we go what's wrong with him listen to this listen this is a social issue right you know norman
03:47the kid who sets all the fires and that you know he's annoying oh he's naughty yeah he's terrible
03:52norman have you been setting fires and er he's like this little ginger i'm not got anything against
03:59ginger people i'm just saying i'm just saying he's a little ginger kid and he's from he's from a
04:03single parent family again i'm just letting you know the facts right never we never know his dad
04:07one episode i was watching they did a group photo the whole of the village fireman sam took his helmet
04:12off he's the only other ginger in the village that's all i'm saying those fires cry for help
04:24i just want to know who my dad is
04:28but i've got an interesting experiment and i do love as you know to do an interesting experiment he
04:33does learn experiment that these will represent red ants um and uh this is just i just find this
04:40magical and it's something you can do at home ladies and gentlemen this is what's fun about it
04:44and uh will we form an island and swim across the jar of water no this is red colored sand
04:50and
04:50it's floating on the top you'll notice wherever i drop it it tends to start clinging together
04:55so you've got here's your little raft of red ants oh there they are in the water and i can
05:01put my
05:02finger in it like that uh and my finger will come out completely dry absolutely dry holy cow yep there
05:08you
05:08are there and i've got no sand on my finger at all and it just um but are you are
05:14you a devil
05:16watch this this would excite you i'm going to pour all this in here blue ants are attacking red
05:20goodness yeah all these blue ants here it's just horrible and look at that it's all clustered down
05:25below but this is the magic part i get my spoon and i get all the sand that's underwater now
05:30and i
05:31just pick up a little bit of it like so and it's completely dry it's utterly dry witchcraft sorcery
05:40it's completely dry there it is look there it is absolutely dry even though there are drops of
05:45water next to it isn't that magical that's just sand and water well i can tell you it's the special
05:52nature of the sand it's been as it were coated and without wishing to give away the name of a
05:58brand
05:59of spray that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes to use to protect your suede shoes
06:07that might be called something that rhymed with gotch scarred um if you wanted to try this experiment
06:17at home you would get a can of that gotch scarred and spray the sand with it and you will
06:23be able
06:24to amaze your friends if but only if you're as sad as i am but there you are hooray
06:35where did beethoven put his jingling johnny
06:43yes sarah mrs beethoven
06:56jingling johnny yes i can't imagine a jingling johnny and it's something that
07:02the good folk at jurex have obviously missed out on a seasonal range but actually you know with a bell
07:09in
07:09the um you would be going right with the clappers with holly around it yeah
07:18flavors flavors oh turkey
07:32how lovely does it go and there's a special treat as you walk into the bedroom a little brandy on
07:39it
07:43i'll take that copy of 50 shades of gray away from you
07:48what did watson do twice as often as holmes
07:52well i don't want to say now i guess he had more time on his hands stick with it stick
07:57with it
07:57what did he do twice oh no i do know yes it's uh it's uh ejaculate ejaculate is the right
08:04answer
08:08this is the one thing i know about sherlock holmes because it's it's in the book yes it's an old
08:13term
08:13meaning to to exclaim it's like it's postulate it constantly but homes i ejaculated uh you get a lot
08:22i mean the books are brilliant anyway but the idea but that every every 20 pages that happens and you
08:27go
08:27here yes there are 23 ejaculations in the canon as it's known as in the word canonical uh give to
08:47you the
08:47canon yeah stand back yes there's approximately 23 ejaculations 48 terabytes of information coming your way
08:59stand by you're a very lucky lady
09:04watson ejaculates 11 times
09:08homes on one occasion refers to watson's ejaculations of wonder being invaluable to his art
09:15watson does ejaculate from his very heart in the direction of his feelings homes give six
09:22but there is one where it's quite hard to tell who it is
09:27who's ejaculating here let's just let's just imagine so he sat as i dropped off to sleep
09:34and so he sat when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up
09:45i thought about your dreams um there's a fellow called phelps in the wonderful story of the naval
09:51treaty he ejaculates three times actually um the only other ejaculator is mrs sinclair's husband who
09:57ejaculates um uh uh from a second floor window
10:04this is the most fun i've ever had on this show
10:09name something interesting you can do with a slinky
10:13well it's well you can't untangle it that's certainly oh god i got through so many
10:18as a child it was the most it was the most you go to the top of the stairs look
10:22at this it's oh no
10:24and then that would be it we've given you some stairs in fact you can take your stairs and
10:28your slinky out and there's great there may be young people in the audience you're going to love
10:33this you can attack you can this is i'm going back look at that yay
10:51it was a suspension designer wasn't he he was a naval officer his name is richard james and it was
10:57in 1940
11:05it's called the alan effect just
11:09you don't do it like that you lift the top somebody go and get him a rally top
11:19how can you not work a slinky how can you not do that yay
11:31can you imagine giving this to a child now and going that's it that's your gift happy christmas
11:37but he didn't invent it by accident he was making calls for the invasion he was an american naval
11:41officer and he literally knocked over a spring and he it went for a walk and he thought oh that's
11:46interesting and so he developed an experiment and he came up with a slinky and more than look to be
11:51fair it was his wife who thought it would make a good talk yes it's true let us let us
11:55remember
11:55yeah absolutely get overlooked uh more than 300 million were sold which is an incredible number
12:02all to me because i can't break them yeah i know because they tangle up now if you'll put them
12:07away
12:08do you mind if i keep the stairs because there's a few shelves in the kitchen that i still
12:16but but what we do have is a very extraordinary effect that happens
12:20if you drop a slinky which is that when you let go of it the bottom does not move
12:26watch the film and you'll see what i mean it's actually really astonishing it's a very peculiar
12:32effect what's the bottom of the slinky as it actually happens in very high speed camera
12:39the bottom is completely still isn't that amazing wow that is a really bizarre effect
12:44they can't really explain quite why that happened oh but james may could
12:54tell me your kendall story um a broadcaster of some description went to interview
13:00a politician british politician and he saw this wonderful picture as he perceived of ken dodd
13:08um on the on the wall and the politician came in and the guy said oh that's wonderful ken dodd
13:13i mean
13:13he's just one of the greatest greatest comedians this country has ever produced and the man said do
13:19you mind that's all mine that's my wife
13:24i want to know who the boat
13:26i want to do
13:27his wife looks like
13:31as i call her
13:34what a fine day what a fine day
13:36and in came the children
13:44there's a wonderful article richard brave he's a very fine actor and uh
13:48he was in a commercial where he had to play a mummy and uh he was wrapped up and um
13:54he at one point just absolutely had to go for a pee inevitably and
13:58he made coffee and mache the the undoing the undoing and the doing up of the bandaging was taking so
14:04long that somebody rummaged around and pulled his old fellow out and while he peed and to this day
14:11he doesn't know who he was because because when he was called the rap it was just him and the
14:17costume
14:18person unwinding when everybody else you know biffed off he'd lie them all up and say would you take
14:22take my penis
14:23i didn't know he didn't know maybe stand over there
14:29it's just like a more modern version of the cinderella
14:32i know that feel anyway
14:38a modified man yeah all the ugly sisters putting on hand cream
14:44you've got paper you've got pencil we might like you during the course of the evening design a hat
14:50and and the winner gets a prize so there you are any kind of hat um but don't let it
14:56ruin your
14:57concentration for the next question if i can put it that way i invented multitasking
15:02yeah there you are exactly so the day i'm drawing
15:17you know i sometimes have weird dreams of which we're married
15:21i want you to tell me because it's quite interesting gal and that's the name of the game
15:28which is the only number in the english language which when written out is in alphabetical order
15:35eight
15:37no okay well i'm saying eight is good but i comes after g
15:42okay i'm gonna have to guess because there's not enough time and i'm dyslexic
15:46one two two no three o comes before t so they have to be in alphabetical order
15:54oh yes that's 40. 40. yes you've done
16:00very good
16:02were you going through all the numbers
16:04i was going through all the numbers at the same time
16:07that you were oh my god yeah 40 is the one
16:09yeah i love us on three when you said
16:11are you three we're all talking and me
16:20it's time for a johnny jake this time involving lasers and balloons what could be coming next
16:26here we are and i've got my laser this is one of these things they use you know i'm going
16:32to
16:32point it behind me and we're using the smoke because it shows up the laser line can you see it
16:39there yeah i'm deliberately obviously i keep shouting in my head don't point it at people's eyes i'm not
16:45don't point it at their fucking eyes
16:50fucking dangerous
16:52the thing is he knows he's the one who's going to be fired
16:58there you are you can see reasonably well that there is a laser light
17:01you might not go ahhhhhhhhh
17:05right this is an ordinary laser light with the kind of used to uh you know conferences to point on
17:10maps
17:10and all the rest of it and i'm just going to press the laser here and oh and oh and
17:17oh and
17:20green wow cool nothing it's not popping though so the black ones pop and the white one doesn't
17:28alan right you should have you should have a
17:34beginning to make sense
17:40take your black marker please and can you make a black target roughly in the center of the balloon
17:46and i'm going to let you press the button as a reward if you do it sensibly so
17:50it's a temptation to draw a cock and balls i know
17:54a big black spot so it'll work so it's just there and fill it in as black as you can
18:00talk about
18:00yourself that's right you could if you'd work for blue peter you'd know how to do that while
18:05presenting to camera oh yeah sorry yeah there you see exactly i haven't done a cock and balls and i
18:12know you're disappointed this is the back of steven fry's egg yeah it is actually not unlike okay
18:19that do it i reckon that's black enough we know that black absorbs light and heat and white we know
18:25reflects it and we saw that the laser had enough energy to burst the black balloon so all you have
18:32to
18:32do just leave it there it should be pointing in the right direction
18:43i get sent very odd things by members of the public thank you um and uh i got sent a
18:49thing for
18:49to stand up weeing and uh i thought it was a funnel oh the sheep
18:54do you know it's the most marvelous thing it's japanese oh darling i piss in all sorts of places now
18:58i
18:59can get out of the car i can't be bothered to pop into the service station on the back wheel
19:03that's
19:03absolutely most of it it is mostly for driving i thought the she-wee driving under the influence
19:09of the net of the need for a wee is the most dangerous thing i would imagine it would be
19:14i have
19:15reached 170 miles an hour disabled parking spaces outside motorway service stations are they're mine
19:21because i am disabled by the need you are just you become consumed with i have i i had a
19:27wee
19:27either way in a just a a water bottle once driving about 100 mile an hour just like we're in
19:32this
19:32warm up and um but then it won't stop well i failed my driving test
19:41reminds me of that phrase stephen couldn't see the wood for the trees have you ever come across that
19:47phrase i i i have i have what it basically means is you're looking at wait yeah
19:55you're looking for wood yes yeah you're looking you're looking for wood yeah and you're looking at
20:07trees yes so you are in essence looking at wood they're wood aren't they but you're see i've got it
20:12alan but
20:15you're seeing trees so you can't see the wood for the trees and i think in a funny old way
20:20it's a little
20:21bit like what you're talking about doesn't it almost exactly not yeah yeah no it's nice it's nice you've
20:27got that up so that is mormon porn that's mormon porn yeah they also have special underwear do you know
20:35about that uh mormons wear and devout ones i suppose for their whole lives wear a special kind of
20:40undergarment which covers them from the knees right up to the top you can see an example of the good
20:46garment now have you are you wearing it goes all the way up to there and down to me yes
20:50up to
20:52yes up but not over yes no yours are nice flying free and beautiful and lovely and
21:00not not flying to be fair it's a fulsome pair of fun bags and
21:14it's party treat time now oh isn't this exciting i've got something really interesting for you to
21:19try it's powdered miracle berry now you should have a little cup like this um so each if you can
21:27instantly put that uh pill as it were in your cup in your mouth promise you it's not going to
21:32hurt you
21:32don't even question don't swallow it please do it don't swallow it show me you don't swallow it
21:38how much we've been down this road before mr only bite it when you see the words of the ice
21:45don't bite it don't bite it just really roll it around your mouth rolling around your tongue it's
21:49quite sweet it takes a little time for it to work but when it does work it's rather extraordinary it's
21:53like a dead refresher yeah it is exactly it's exactly what it's like but just to try and do a
21:58bit of
21:58action on it just so that you can get it to dissolve all over your tongue it is quite miraculous
22:04it's why it's called the miracle fruit it's rather exciting oh well don't worry don't swallow don't
22:09swallow just why not there's a good reason i want for it to cover all of your tongue because it
22:15does
22:15something extraordinary to your tongue and that's what you're going to discover so keep sucking keep
22:19sucking i must remember this speak yeah
22:28if you don't swallow it does something extraordinary to your tongue don't swallow it
22:36so if you feel you've more or less coated yourself in it yeah what it does is it actually gets
22:42rid of
22:42your tongue's ability to detect sour and bitter so i want you to just take a bite on this lemon
22:46you'll find
22:47when you bite on the lemon that it's not exactly sweet but it really has taken away 90 of its
22:52sourness i'm going in isn't it your whole page i've done a lot of coating that's delicious isn't it
23:01it's extraordinary isn't it what's good none of you has pulled the kind of brown that is like a really
23:06sweet orange exactly it's bizarre it is a most extraordinary experience i love that and that
23:14that will last that will last for about half an hour 20 minutes half an hour i'm going to have
23:17chronic gastritis in 20 minutes it's very popular miracle fruit they used to have parties where
23:23they'd have this kind of rainbow of different flavors that would occur because it takes away your
23:27ability to taste the bitter or the sour or indeed the salt so everything becomes sweet but it
23:32retains a little of its own flavor but it doesn't it does work anything it is absolutely although it is
23:37vitamin c so internally i'm rebelling i'm going to have one later i'm going to give one to a friend
23:52yeah it's just good it's bad it makes it taste so much nicer yeah it's just something big
23:59tonight yeah yeah it's all over it'll taste lovely for half an hour
24:05my favorite
24:10it's not sour anymore it's not sour anymore it's not sour anymore it's not sour anymore it's so bad
24:19gérard de nerval no one one
24:24gérard de nerval was a fascinating man he was very much enjoyed the way you said that
24:27je suis le veuf lancourt and he also had a pet lobster he did indeed we used to take for
24:34walks on a
24:34lead me to meet with you
24:36monsieur kiki stay with it stay with it stay with it stay with it
24:54no no no no no no no artichoke de gero le salam
25:07i never thought i'd see the day when bill bailey force-fed
25:13jean de nerval's lobster with jerusalem artichoke
25:16the day came anyway let's just return to this other poet who was the lover of the young verlin oh
25:23sir berlin
25:31we're going to end with really exciting wild west action
25:36who fancies a shootout with a real life vortex cannon i've given you one each next you've got a box
25:44see that box there it's simply a box all right now the hole is where the vortex emerges so if
25:52you lean
25:53it so that the hole is pointing at the target all right and basically what you've got to do is
25:59smack
25:59the side of the box all right after three two one smack very good
26:06there you are there you are all right now
26:13what what what
26:14but what we could yes what we can do before you destroy the box
26:27before you destroy the box you can do something even more exciting and that is fill it with smoke
26:33and it will demonstrate what in fact was happening with the aster you should all have smoke machines
26:42fill it with smoke fill it with smoke fill it with smoke and now look
26:52just a gentle tap that is a vortex the beautiful smoke ring and a lovely one there
27:03and i've got it i've got an enormous cannon here
27:08i'm going to fill moment
27:13let's see if i can get mine across the across the
27:16you're going to chase each other across the room here there we go
27:20i've got i've got the woman around
27:29we'll let the smoke drift a little
27:35we don't like a big dustbin
27:39it's simply pressure of air creating this wonderful vortex
27:43no it's not it's magic nice one
27:47hey with this kind of magic we could make the tiny people big again
28:02very well
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