Cha-mone Mofo Selecta

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Transcript

00:13The End

00:32Michael, you're gonna love it here

00:34They've got all the pick-a-micks you can eat

00:36They've got Tupperware

00:37They've got these little LED lights

00:39That you press to turn on

00:40And you press to turn off

00:41It's Bonzo, mate

00:43Steve, let me get this straight

00:44You saying they gotta woe us up here in heaven?

00:47That's exactly what I'm saying, you fucking ding-dong

00:51Ain't so bad

00:52Hi, y'all

00:53I'm Michael Jackson

00:55And I'm recently deceased

00:56But don't cry for me, motherfuckers

00:58Cause it was a bad, invincible ride down the ship

01:01It was off the wall

01:03So stay with me for my one-hour trip you take

01:06As we take a look back

01:07At my history

01:09That's right

01:11Jamon, motherfucker

01:12Hee-hee

01:13Ow!

01:21No!

01:22Oh!

01:24No!

01:25headline

01:26Oh, man!

01:27Three!

01:27Oh!

01:28It' all.

01:28No!

01:30No!

01:31No!

01:32No!

01:33No!

01:33Oh, of course

01:34Yeah, I know, I'm okay

01:40Nino!

01:43Oh!

01:44No!

01:44I mean I've always liked Jackson all my life and that's not because I'm black

01:49and he were black and all because I liked him when he was white it didn't

01:53matter if he were black or white you bastard yeah no but I did like him when

02:00he was black and he sang with those other black lads or four of them that's five

02:04black lads in total I thought it was amazing oh I Bunton's here morning Emma

02:10didn't see you at bingo last night I went to a posh do posh do all right some no

02:18but yeah I like that song that he did that was about alphabet that one me

02:22favorites

02:25we're the jackson five check it out

02:36it's as easy as a b motherfucking c

02:41what the fuck what's up with you daddy why are you beating on me

02:47motherfucker what did I tell you about seeing motherfucker on live tv

02:51you say motherfucker more than I say motherfucker

02:54where do you think that I get motherfucker from that's because I am a motherfucker motherfucker

02:59I fucked your mother and you wouldn't be here if I wasn't a motherfucker motherfucker

03:07I remember the jackson five tv show it was all very vivid and orange like a black

03:13porno colors oh yeah you know when it's too bright and it shivers oh I know what you're saying yeah

03:19hi y'all my name is Michael and this is my brother Jermaine Jackie Marlon and Tito

03:26together we're the jackson five and welcome to the jackson five show

03:31we're gonna be called the Brady Bunch we're all black and shit

03:34that'd be the dog

03:38I get it

03:45hey Jermaine

03:46who is this turkey

03:47yes you make I'm gonna miss you

03:50Michael what the fuck is up with you

03:52can't you see I'm getting my flabby-stabby

03:55in the durung brother

03:59hey Marlon

04:00who is this turkey

04:03shit my girl can't you see that I'm getting some stink for my hang low

04:11hey Tito

04:13who is this turkey

04:19I can never understand what he say

04:25back up

04:25press back up

04:26press back up

04:27press back up

04:27no I'm

04:28I am English yes

04:29no this is not

04:30I'm not speaking in Bombay

04:31no

04:32right you press back

04:33hold on a second mr. scoff cockiness

04:35well yeah I was a massive fan of Michael Jackson

04:38if it wasn't for him I don't think that I'd be singing

04:40I was particularly a fan of the song that he did that was about

04:44what now

04:45a banana

04:46no it wasn't a banana because I don't even like bananas

04:49it was a potato

04:51not a potato

04:52but it was a turtle

04:54it was a

04:55a

04:55no not a peacock

04:56no

04:57a

04:58a

05:01tupperware box

05:03this song go out to one of my true friends

05:06splintay direct from teenage mutant ninja turtays

05:10he was in a motherfucking half share

05:12until he poochie ripped my jelly donut

05:14then the only show that I had to cry on was my other brother

05:18bam

05:19stealer from the movie something about mary

05:22starring that fine pussy tang tang

05:24Cameron NDS

05:25where she get that man gravy in the head

05:27he gets his cockasaurus calling the zipper fly

05:30well this song goes out to you motherfucker

05:32so check it out

05:36attiooked

05:37Ben

05:37douching

05:39dem boss Ben in dem

05:46museum

05:47halls Ben being all

05:52jolly

05:56But I wasn't all keen on the movie, along came Polly

06:00It stunk like a skunk's pussy and asshole, motherfucker

06:05That film was whack

06:06Now why don't you call me Charmone

06:08And get me in the follow-up movie

06:09Meet the motherfuckers, bitch

06:12I mean, Ben, what a beautiful song

06:17Hey, talk about Ed of It's Time as well

06:20Miles Ed, Ben Stiller wasn't even invented then

06:23Well, that's the genius of Michael Jackson, isn't it?

06:28That he's...

06:29He was like a young Nostradamus

06:32Yeah, he's that

06:34I potentially invented Michael Jackson

06:37The whole thing was my idea

06:41Let me see, let me know

06:43Let me tell you something

06:45I remember the time that Michael and I were recording the album off the wall

06:50Right here, in this very studio

06:52After each line in the song

06:54Michael would persistently say the words

06:56E, Al, and Da

06:57Now let me tell you something

06:59I can't drive

07:00I cannot drive

07:01It's an impossibility

07:03But I do know the future of hip-hop

07:05And I know that E, Al, and Da

07:07Is not the future of hip-hop

07:09So I told Michael so

07:20Hey Michael, we're gonna go again because you keep saying E, Al, and Da

07:25Making shit noises

07:26Do I?

07:27I keep saying Da?

07:28Yeah, like a dime a dozen

07:29So we'll go again from the top, son

07:32Let's do it again, Charmone

07:36Michael, you're doing it again

07:38Let me tell you something

07:40You know that I can't drive

07:41But I do know that Farmyard Animal Noises ain't gonna sell records

07:46Why, you a pig?

07:47Or you a goat?

07:48Or you a cock-a-doodle-doo?

07:49Or the ba-ba and the moo-moo and the billy-boo-boos?

07:52Come on, son, let's start again

07:54Quincy, this be my new shit right now

07:56The kids are gonna dig it the most

07:58That was smooth

07:59That was smooth like battee

08:01I don't believe that be battee

08:02That was battee, motherfucker

08:04So you better leave that in

08:05Quincy, you're out of time

08:10So, Michael and I had a little falling out over this matter

08:13And, um, I broke Michael's nose

08:25I can't drive

08:27But I do have free feats

08:28And one of those feats knows kung fu

08:30It's specifically that one there

08:33I got free feats

08:34After a mysterious accident involving one of Quincy Jones' free feats

08:41Michael Jackson came to me for his first Rhino-plasté

08:46Which, of course, is Greek-Latino for nose fix

08:51Not to be confused with Rhino-pasté

08:54Which is a pasté made out of rhino meat

08:58Beans, cocks, and balls

09:01Michael first went public with his Rhino-plasté

09:05In the video for Don't Stop Until You Get Enough Cola Cubes

09:29It's in the background

09:33And Cola Cubes

09:35And Cola Cubes

09:37It's in the background

09:38And Ice Cubes

09:42It's in the background

09:44And Robert

09:46Yeah, I also

09:48In the background

09:49Go!

09:52To make even more dollar-dollar bills, y'all

09:56From Michael Jackson

09:57I prescribed him with a powerful painkiller

10:01Called Lucasane Tablay

10:04Of course, Tablay being the collective for Tablet

10:08One, maybe two Tablet

10:11Well, that's just some Tablet

10:13Seven, maybe eight

10:15Well, that's Tablay

10:17Everybody at the time was addicted to Lucasane Tablay

10:21The Tablay was just a sweet A

10:24But I kept on supplying Michael with the sweet A

10:27To help feed my addiction

10:29For sweet hookers

10:30Which I like to make love to

10:33In the poo-poo

10:35You know, Emma

10:36Michael Jackson got seven Grammys for Frilla

10:40He got seven Grammys

10:42How many Grammys have we got?

10:45Listen

10:46None

10:46Huh?

10:48I really appreciate winning these seven Grammys right here

10:51I'm gonna

10:53It's gonna come in useful

10:54For when I'm keeping the back door open

10:56For the Lame

10:57If you wanna come in

10:58If you so choose

10:59You'd like to chow down on some karaté

11:01From the pantry

11:03I invented the Grammys

11:04Potentially

11:05As you'll see

11:06It's before a live studio audience

11:08That was my idea

11:10I think it works

11:11Thank you very much

11:12Have a great night

11:13Brooke Shields

11:14You look tight

11:14Your ass look tight motherfucker

11:16Good night

11:17Anyone got a bag for all of this?

11:19I can't carry this old night

11:19What the fuck?

11:21We haven't won a Grammy?

11:22No

11:23Well we must have won one for

11:24Ziggy Cigar or Spice Up Your Life

11:26Or two can be won

11:27No, none

11:28We're not even for two can be won

11:29No, we've got MTV Awards

11:30Brits

11:31MTV Awards

11:32American Music Awards

11:33American Music Awards

11:34Brits

11:35Yep

11:36Smash Hits

11:37Yeah

11:37Did we get a Super Drug Award

11:39For Best Makeup?

11:41No

11:41And we've not got a Grammy?

11:43No, we've not got a Grammy

11:44You greedy Grammy bastards

11:47I'm going to phone someone

11:49You should do that

11:50I'm going to

11:50I will do

11:51Phone her

11:51I will

11:52I'll phone someone

11:53I mean I will

11:55Who do I phone?

11:57I don't know

11:58Well I'll fucking phone someone

11:59Here, take that

12:01I'll phone someone

12:04Mal

12:04I'm phoning someone

12:09I love Thriller

12:10I thought it was probably

12:11One of the greatest videos ever

12:13I thought Thriller video really good

12:15Because that bird were

12:16Right nice looking

12:18I'd like to have a go on that

12:19Ips and do see

12:20In ass

12:22I tell you what we're going to do

12:23Obviously we've been speaking about Thriller

12:24They're going to show a clip

12:25It's a tedious link to Thriller this

12:27I tell you that

12:27I would never write anything like this

12:29I'm going to think of something rude

12:31About peaches

12:31Probably me doing it in the mouth with her

12:33And then I'll have it out

12:35At the end of the cliff

12:35Don't worry

12:36Here it comes

12:43This is John Landis

12:44This is the crazy bastard

12:45The director Thriller night

12:47I get a phone call

12:48Three in the morning

12:49I'm in Newkey

12:50I'm like

12:51Hello

12:51Who's this?

12:52It's Michael Jackson

12:53I'm like

12:56I was crazy

12:57I couldn't believe it was him

12:59I came round his house

13:00We chipper rabbit

13:01You know what John

13:02You were a lot nicer

13:03Than I thought you would be

13:04What do you think I was going to be Mike?

13:05Like a monster

13:06A big motherfaggot too

13:07Yeah well uh

13:09Yeah we sat there

13:10We had a coffee

13:11And I went through my body of work

13:13And I was like Mike

13:13Have you heard of Bergeron?

13:15No

13:15The Maxwell House advert

13:17No

13:17Cut file

13:18No

13:18Have you heard of Lovejoy?

13:20No

13:20What about Boone?

13:22Boone what's that

13:23Some documentary about a monkey

13:24With a fucked up ass?

13:25It's Michael Elphick

13:26He drives around on a motorbike

13:27Solving crimes

13:28I thought the movie he did

13:30Cockney Wealth

13:31In London, England

13:36Hello

13:37Is there someone there?

13:42Rawr

13:43I'm the Cockney Werewolf

13:45Oh my

13:46And I'm gonna eat ya

13:47Oh my

13:48Is there anything I can do

13:50To deter you from doing such a terrible thing?

13:52Have you got an iPhone?

13:53Yes sir

13:54I do

13:55And do I need a PC or a Mac to work this?

13:58It works on both

14:01Well I have that then

14:02Good evening sir

14:03Good evening

14:05I thought that was some crazy shit

14:07I said that's a Poochie Ribba

14:08We're gonna get to direct fill the night

14:09Poochie Ribba?

14:11That's right

14:11Homeboy

14:11That's only best friends call each other

14:13Poochie Ribba

14:13Yeah definitely

14:14So I said to John

14:16I want to be a werewolf

14:17All over the parameter of the face

14:19Let's see

14:22Rawr

14:24Rawr

14:26Rawr

14:27Rawr

14:29Rawr

14:33Rawr

14:38Rawr

14:39Rawr

14:40Rawr

14:41Rawr

14:43Rawr

14:44Rawr

14:45Rawr

14:46Rawr

14:47Rawr

14:48Rawr

14:49Rawr

14:50Rawr

15:01Rawr

15:04You ain't scary. I look like some Andrew Lloyd Webber tech shit, motherfucker.

15:08Pussy ain't scary unless it's your mother's out.

15:10Oh, God. Oh, no, you didn't. Two friends.

15:12Yeah, your mum's pussy is like a sea monster.

15:15It's like Moby-Dip's mouth back there.

15:18John, your mother's pussy is so big, it's got its own ecosystem.

15:22Oh, psych. He's done it. He's done it.

15:24Your mum is like cheese. It's like rotten cheese.

15:28It seriously pungs.

15:30You just say that my mother got a pungy pussy.

15:32You join the line right there.

15:34That's that motherfucker.

15:35For the rest of the shoot, I want to be a zombie.

15:37That's right. I'm a zombie, motherfucker.

15:39Let's get this guy made into a zombie.

15:41I want lots of zombies all around the place.

15:44Let's litter the place with zombies, Pam.

15:45Food zombies, John. Food zombies.

15:47Food zombies. Let's get some food zombies here.

15:50We eat the food, but what about the food eat us?

15:53We can make them carrots and broccoli.

15:56Yeah, I want broccoli. I want the spring onion, motherfucker.

15:58It's a spring onion zombie.

16:00Now, pick me up. We're having a good time.

16:01Come here, come here. Two besties.

16:03Put me down, John. Put me down, John.

16:06Oh, man, give me some love.

16:06Motherfucker.

16:08Oh, God, that guy. That guy.

16:10Right, food zombies. Let's have a call on food zombies.

16:17I abuse a hooker. They smell like vegetables before.

16:19It does smell a little bit like food.

16:21I can smell corn on the cob.

16:23I can smell bacon.

16:32Darkness falls across the land.

16:36Food zombie monsters are close at hand.

16:39Corn on the cob, pizza, and egg.

16:43They walk real slowly, but will kill you dead.

16:47The foulish stenches, they're all out of date.

16:50They're going to eat you as well as your mate.

16:54And although you fight to stay alive,

16:57your pants begin to fill with cake.

17:00If I was you, I'd turn around and run for fuck's sake.

17:06Oh, my God. That's food zombies.

17:08I am terrified.

17:10I potentially invented food zombies.

17:13It was my idea.

17:14For no queer mortal can resist

17:17the scariness of the thriller.

17:20Shoot yourself, haven't you?

17:23Shoot yourself a little bit.

17:28Definitely shit yourself.

17:33I'm a KFC chicken drumstick zombie motherfucker,

17:36you pissin'.

17:47What Michael were like?

17:48What was he like?

17:49Yes, what was he like?

17:50Sad questions.

17:50He didn't have questions.

17:52Do you know what?

17:53He was mystical.

17:54He's dancing.

17:55I'm talking about his dancing.

17:56You get these kids that do it all their life.

17:59Michael comes in and the boy gets it like that.

18:01He got it straight like that, didn't he?

18:11Oh, my God.

18:12There's something really disturbing about that.

18:14Just take it on and off really quickly.

18:16Then put it on again.

18:17Then take it off.

18:19Then it'll feel like I've got a foreskin

18:20and I'm being wanked off.

18:21This is, yeah.

18:30Here's some of my drawings.

18:32Here's a drawing of Michael singing and here is a drawing of Michael swimming and here is a drawing of

18:39Michael singing.

18:41He has sinned for he has chopped off the head of E.T. because he loves him so much.

18:45But there is no vengeance on E.T.'s part.

18:48As you can see, he's singing a beautiful song to Michael.

18:51It goes like this.

18:53Don't worry, Michael.

18:55You have killed me.

18:57I am a little cloud up so high.

19:01Watch me now.

19:02Watch me now.

19:04I can take pain.

19:06I can take pain.

19:09Awesome, Brian.

19:11Hey, tell me.

19:11Yes, I know.

19:14It's a beautiful day, motherfucker.

19:15Hey, bassist.

19:16I didn't know you were feeling.

19:17Motherfucker, let me come down.

19:18That's right.

19:19Yes, shoot deep.

19:19Ow, tell me.

19:20This is a bad day, motherfucker.

19:22This is the most beautiful part of the day.

19:23The dawn.

19:24I love the dawn, and the dawn loves me.

19:29Ta-boom.

19:30Ah, hee, hee.

19:31Kiss my bad self.

19:32That's right.

19:32Check it out.

19:33I got the elephant man bones.

19:35You can't buy this shit from Ikea.

19:37It's the elephant man bones, lampshade ensemble.

19:39That's right.

19:40Today, I'm going to do some painting.

19:41Check this out.

19:42Because this helps me feel creative when I'm doing my songs and shit.

19:45So I'm painting my best motherfucking bitch right down here, Liz Taylor, bitch.

19:49Liz Taylor, you all right?

19:50I'm fine, Michael.

19:51I'm fine.

19:52Just get the painting done.

19:54You little motherfucker.

19:55Liz Taylor wants to go to Taco Bell.

19:58Hee, hee.

19:59That's right.

20:00So I'm using burgundy or blue.

20:01So check it out.

20:02This is what we got.

20:04Burgundy, burgundy, burgundy, burgundy.

20:06Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue.

20:13Back to burgundy, burgundy, burgundy, burgundy.

20:16And that's Billie Jean right there.

20:18I just invented that before your very motherfucking eyes.

20:20You can go buy that.

20:21Send that shit.

20:21It's true.

20:22Ow.

20:24Ow.

20:25She was more like a catamaran that's a green.

20:29She had the biggest clint of things that I have with foam foam.

20:34Get the chicken.

20:35Get the chicken.

20:36Get the chicken on.

20:37Get the chicken on.

20:39Ow.

20:40Get the chicken.

20:45Get the chicken.

20:47Jamone.

20:47Cut the scene.

20:48Who be the lady square, man?

20:50Who be the lady square?

20:50Is that the right terminology?

20:52The lady square, man?

20:53Who the lady square, man?

20:54Bitch.

20:55You be the lady square, man.

20:56When I step on the lighting square, it got to light up.

20:58You're trashing the sheets.

21:00Motherfucker, this is twice this happened.

21:02Are you a rain man?

21:04What the fuck's going down?

21:05You're a nice guy.

21:06But you're going to get a sparkly stock in your motherfucking ass.

21:08And that's going to cut you up.

21:10When I step on it, it'll come out like that.

21:12Check this.

21:14See?

21:16That shit light up.

21:18That's right.

21:19Light up, see?

21:23When I step on the lighting square,

21:25that motherfucker's got to light up.

21:28That's it.

21:29MJ's got to get his milk break.

21:31That's true indeed.

21:32You know that.

21:32Oh, I remember the first time we did moonwalk.

21:38It was good, wasn't it?

21:39Neil Armstrong.

21:41What a day that was.

21:42No Michael Jackson.

21:43Eh?

21:57He can look like he's walking forward,

22:00but he is going backwards.

22:01It's crazy shit.

22:05Moon.

22:06When he's dancing.

22:06On the moonwalk.

22:07When he's dancing and walking.

22:08Neil Armstrong.

22:09No, that's the first time I look moon.

22:11You think that?

22:12Moonwalk.

22:13Check this.

22:15Like that, right?

22:16Like that, right?

22:17Like that, right?

22:19This is me doing balloon animals.

22:21It's a lame.

22:22It's a lame right there.

22:23You know that.

22:24Ow!

22:32That's me doing embroidery.

22:34There's a tea right there.

22:35I'm going backwards.

22:35We're not going to focus right now.

22:37Ow!

22:37Of course I invented the moonwalk.

22:40Potentially.

22:41This is me going backwards.

22:42Drinking a cup of tea.

22:43Like the cream motherfucker does in England.

22:45That's right, Cheryl.

22:47It's a popular misconception that he came up with a moonwalk.

22:50Because we invented it.

22:51He stole it from us.

22:56We're probably more recognisable as the characters we've portrayed.

22:59Ozone and Turbo in the film Breakdancing, the film.

23:04What I'm saying is he didn't invent the moonwalk.

23:06We did.

23:07Well, he borrowed it.

23:09He didn't borrow it at all and stole it from us.

23:11No, he borrowed it creatively.

23:12Have you heard, you?

23:13We get the chance to put the record straight and you're going against migraine.

23:15Yeah, you said it migraine.

23:17Yes, you're giving me a migraine.

23:19You said that.

23:20Who said that then?

23:21I think I said that you're giving...

23:23You want to have a word yourself for you in the darkroom, have you heard?

23:26Just cover your ears.

23:27Just cover your ears.

23:27Look at me.

23:28Will you look at me?

23:29L-double-O-K me.

23:32L-double-O-K me.

23:33Do you want to go to Brighlington this weekend?

23:35You know I do.

23:36Well, sit up straight because you're going to give yourself a lunch back.

23:38You're going to give me a trambosis here.

23:39I'm too upset about this now.

23:41Look what you've done.

23:42We are not going to Brighlington.

23:45I've had it.

23:54Where were we?

23:55Michael Jackson.

23:56Michael Jackson.

23:57Yeah, he has got some good moves of his own.

23:59He didn't steal from us, hasn't he?

24:00Yes.

24:01Show him some of the moves that he taught you.

24:02Give the dog a ear.

24:03Oh, okay.

24:04Go on.

24:11Hold on a minute.

24:12Hold on a minute.

24:13Hold on.

24:15When did he do all that then?

24:16What video did he do all that in?

24:18Er, Beat Me.

24:21Daddy beat me.

24:23Daddy beat me.

24:24Daddy beat me.

24:26Daddy beat me.

24:30Daddy beat me.

24:32Daddy beat me.

24:33Bastard daddy beat me.

24:35Daddy beat me.

24:36Bastard daddy beat me.

24:38Daddy beat me.

24:40Bastard.

24:41Hee hee.

24:41Beat me?

24:44She's molten here.

24:45Is this showing up on camera?

24:46I've got bloody hairs all over me.

24:49The first Michael Jackson record that I bought was probably, um, bad, I think.

24:57That was the first one I'd heard properly when I knew who he was that I bought.

25:01And I've never bought any of his songs.

25:04I invented bad as well.

25:06Potentially.

25:07Would it be okay if myself and Brian recite some of Michael's beautiful lyrics so you can

25:13understand why his fans are so loyal?

25:15Is that okay?

25:16Well, I'd like to recite the lyrics from, um, The Way You Make Me Feel.

25:22Ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's.

25:25Go on, girl.

25:27Ow.

25:28My lonely days are gone.

25:30Hee hee.

25:32Oh, chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka.

25:35Go on, girl.

25:36Hee hee.

25:37The Way You Make Me Feel.

25:38Hee hee hee.

25:39You really turn me on.

25:41You knock me off my feet.

25:42That's awesome.

25:44Hey, Brian, which is your favorite word out of all those lyrics?

25:47Chicka.

25:47I thought it will be chicka, chicka, chicka.

25:51I like the one where he did the bit where it went,

26:00I like that one.

26:02Michael's videos were amazing though, weren't they?

26:04Mr. Whippy Ice Cream Face.

26:06Excuse me.

26:08Sorry, Steve.

26:11Should be working.

26:12I think that was Dancing on the Ceiling.

26:14Oh, what a feeling.

26:15I can't believe it's amazing.

26:16Yeah.

26:17That one.

26:17My favorite Michael Jackson video would have to be Bad.

26:22Because, you know, the dude was Bad.

26:24Bad.

26:25Bad.

26:25Oh, that's the gangs.

26:27Yeah.

26:28Gangs.

26:29Because what I used to like is that they had that three-hour film before it.

26:32And, um, on Bad, it was directed by Martin Scincini.

26:41Shh.

26:43It was black and white at first, which was obviously an analogy for, um,

26:50darkness, moroseness, moronicness, travesty and poverty.

26:58What do you say, love?

26:59I don't understand what you're saying.

27:01Chairman, give me 50p.

27:05I don't understand.

27:06I don't understand.

27:07Not at all.

27:08Chairman, give me 50p.

27:11I don't know.

27:12I don't understand what you're saying.

27:14Sorry, mate.

27:16What the fuck are you doing?

27:19I was saving the old guy from this brutality.

27:21Y'all know that I like old people and animals and such.

27:25Fuck off, you idiot, because you ain't bad.

27:28You ain't bad.

27:29You ain't bad.

27:32And then when music came on, it went colour,

27:35which was obviously, um, um, to demonstrate magical realms

27:42in which Michael Jackson can pull you into so you can enjoy his music

27:46and stuff like that.

27:50Schindler's List, that with black and white and all.

27:53Oh, yes, I am bad.

27:55I'm a bad motherfucker, share mode.

27:58Hee-hee!

28:19What's up?

28:38And then it was Moonwalker, you know, Mike comes to me and he's got this idea,

28:42and I'm like, Mike, you've lost the plot.

28:46There is no plot.

28:48The movie be called Moonwalker.

28:50Ain't bothered about no plotline or story like that.

28:53It's all about the visualité.

28:54It starts off, I'm being chased by people with big fucking plasticine hairs.

28:58Hold up for a second there, Mike.

28:59Shut the fuck up!

29:00I'm in my flow here.

29:01Then I escape on a bunny rabbit on a bicycle.

29:05Then I turn into a car, and I drive to a 1930s nightclub where I do the lean.

29:10Who's the lean?

29:11Some chick you met.

29:12Say it, it's a dance move.

29:13Jamon, you know that, right?

29:16That's seriously amazing.

29:17See how low I go.

29:19Hee-hee!

29:21That's low, right, John?

29:22You're loathin' the pigs, also.

29:24Kiss my man's house.

29:25Oh!

29:26That's badass, right, John?

29:27Then I turn into Big Ben.

29:29Then I turn into a badass robot.

29:31Transform a robot is firing lasers out of the eyes and from my hands.

29:34And this is the noise they make, John.

29:36Ooh, ooh, do the noise, John.

29:38Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

29:39That's right, John knows the noise.

29:41Then I do a concert, and I sing Come Together by the Beatles,

29:44because I own all that shit, and that's the movie right there.

29:47And it's gonna come out as a video game, too,

29:49and come out on the Mega Drive,

29:51and come out for the master system for the poor kids.

29:53Mikey, man, I'd love to do it, but I can't, you know.

29:57I've taken series number two of Casualty.

30:00Casualty?

30:00What the fuck is Casualty?

30:02It's a hospital drama, a lot like ER, but on a smaller scale, you know.

30:07But long-term contract, pay to spend duties with a wife and kids and all that, you know.

30:11Well, you know that guy, Richard Attenborough?

30:13He'd do it, I think.

30:14Get there, motherfucker.

30:16I remember it like it was just then,

30:18when he came to the United Kingdom to see his waxy waxy waxy,

30:24and they made their thud,

30:27and it was a whole ruckus and a frackus.

30:33It was a pandemonium.

30:35It was a hysteria.

30:37It was insomnia by Peter Andre.

30:39It was a hoop-la-dee-daddy-doo.

30:42And all the fans, they would scream like this.

30:58I can't believe it, you look just like me.

31:00Michael, what's it like to look at yourself?

31:02It's amazing to look at myself.

31:04I look just like this.

31:05It got the same nose.

31:06It got the same mouth and cheek.

31:08I know that I got this shirt at home.

31:10It's bare right there.

31:11I want to meet the bastards that made this.

31:13And congratulate that, motherfucker.

31:15Shaman, that's bare right there.

31:17Oh!

31:25I'm the man responsible for the Mickey J waxwork at Malam Toussaint's.

31:30I've done over a hundred waxworks for them.

31:33I'll show you just a few of them right now.

31:35Here, we've got Whoopi Goldberg in her sister act formation.

31:39You can see that it's looking like her, doesn't it?

31:42She's not smiling on that one.

31:43This one that we've got is Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Terminator formation.

31:49This one's going to be his hand right there.

31:51But you notice that it's got no pants on.

31:54I always keep the pants off.

31:55That's my sort of signature thing.

31:57But I make sure the top doesn't come down so there's no willy showing.

32:01But it's a family show.

32:03This one is Mike Myers from the film Austin Powers.

32:07And they didn't send me a picture, so it looks a bit like Prince as well.

32:12This one is his nemesis.

32:15That's Dr. Evil.

32:17And that was really difficult, getting the smoothness of the head.

32:20Twice I nearly contemplated a suicide drone.

32:23That one, you can see I've got the logo right there.

32:26So, Austin, I'm going to get you at the end of the film.

32:29And this one, well, you can see it always, can't you?

32:33This one is obviously David Beckham.

32:37And it's an action shot.

32:39As you can see, he's trying to head-a-did-a-did the ball.

32:42And that was a difficult rig.

32:44We've got two shatterproof rulers here.

32:47And that's what's keeping the ball up right there.

32:51When's this on telly like?

32:55Well, I can easily rectify your problem.

32:57If you just pull it out at Main's and then plug it back in, then the green light will come

33:01on, yes.

33:02Just wait till the green light comes on.

33:04I remember when Jackson Mania hit Kesby A for you.

33:07I remember when Jackson Fever hit the UK, the whole world even.

33:11And he did the advert for the television, pesky cola, where his hair got set on fire.

33:16And he didn't realise for a whole week.

33:18Will you get out of my shot the film in me?

33:20All right.

33:21I'll continue.

33:23It was a full week until he realised that his hair was on fire.

33:27That's seven days.

33:29Check it out.

33:35That's a badass motherfucking shot right there.

33:38Kiss my best help.

33:39Ow!

33:40It's Wednesday and I'm climbing the trees in your shit like that.

33:49Don't worry.

33:53I see.

33:53I turn the key.

33:55I turn the key.

33:56Don't worry.

33:57Be happy.

33:59And all that time he was on fire and he didn't even realise.

34:03Can you imagine the excruciating pain?

34:07It doesn't bear thinking about, does it?

34:09It'd be worse than getting stung by a wasp on your bellend or your minge piece.

34:14Minge piece.

34:16That's disgusting.

34:17You're disgusting.

34:17The very sight of you.

34:19You minge piece.

34:20You piece of minge.

34:21As well as his head, Michael had burnt up the whole of his right arm completely.

34:28Now we couldn't replace the arm until the technology was as advanced as the West End stage musical Chutter Chutter

34:36Bang Bang.

34:37So until that time we replaced the arm temporarily with a balloon.

34:43I like my balloon arm, doctor.

34:46That's blue-tay.

34:47Of course, the medical term for the balloon arm is the balarm.

34:54I had a balloon arm myself.

34:58It burst.

35:00At this time, there was a lot of speculation in the press that Michael was sleeping in an oxygen chamber.

35:10Baloney.

35:11He was indeed sleeping on a sunbed that we had rented from Tantastic in Peckham.

35:19We told Michael that this was a healing chamber.

35:24He believed this BS.

35:26BS, of course, stands for bullshit.

35:28So as Michael lay there, we removed his balarm and replaced it with the leg of Hever Mills.

35:36Right now, in Michael's period of his career, if you were to remove his sparkly glove, then you would indeed

35:44find a foot.

35:47And now, of course, the medical term for the hand-foot is the hoot.

35:54What the fuck you done to me, doctor?

35:57That's your new hoot.

35:59What the fuck?

36:01Had a what?

36:02A hoot?

36:03A what?

36:03A hoot?

36:04What is a hoot, though?

36:05A hoot?

36:06Potentially, the hoot was my idea.

36:09I invented it, potentially.

36:11You don't hear about that sort of thing at Presto, do you?

36:13Is that why you ordered the glove?

36:15To hide the hoot?

36:17Oh my gosh, I never knew that.

36:20And that was the start of Michael Jackson's obsession with his appearance.

36:25Boy, look good to me.

36:28Then, facially, he changed his appearance facially to look like Diana Ross facially.

36:35I don't believe that Michael want to look like me.

36:39And that's when he did it, didn't he?

36:42That's when it went all wrong.

36:44Michael was so upset with his appearance, he decided to go under the knife again.

36:51This time, we gave him the full kit and caboodle.

36:56And I bought a yacht out of that shit.

36:58I got myself a Mega Drive, the Super SNES.

37:02I got this little, little Pac-Man you put in your pocket.

37:06I got one of them two.

37:07Michael Jackson, meet the new Michael Jackson.

37:12You look like the face from the A-Team.

37:15Beautiful.

37:18I look beautiful.

37:21Like a teapad.

37:23Do you think, to the plastic surgeon, I don't think he had any.

37:27I think it's a lie.

37:27I mean, he said that he had two nose jobs.

37:29And, um...

37:30No, he hasn't had two nose jobs.

37:33I think that...

37:34He hasn't had any, has he?

37:36Hello, everybody.

37:38I'm Oprah Winfrey, and I'm one of the most powerful women in America today.

37:42Why, I could buy the whole of Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise worldwide, through and through.

37:47Get some of that beans and the carcin' salad and shit.

37:50Today, I'm coming to you live from Neverland with Mr. Michael Jackson.

37:55So, Michael, tell me, what the hoo-ha they do to your chin?

37:58Because you definitely got a knee on that chin.

38:00What do those cruel bastards do to you, Michael?

38:03Oprah, that's just crazy.

38:05That's doopey-doopey-doo.

38:07That's why I pay them, bitch.

38:09Bless you, my little honeypot.

38:11They definitely did something.

38:12What do they do to your crazy Disney frog eyes?

38:15Because you got them crazy Disney frog eyes right there.

38:17What do those bastards do to you, Michael?

38:19That's doopey.

38:20That's doopey-doopey-doo right there.

38:23You're the one that really fucking stupid.

38:24Michael, tell your Auntie Oprah what they done to your eyebrows.

38:28Because you definitely got the McDonald's emblem across your eyes there.

38:31I'm going to buy that franchise, too, and get me some free chicken nuggets,

38:34and get some sweet as sour sauce.

38:36What have they done to your eyebrows?

38:37Tell Auntie Oprah, those cruel bastards.

38:39That's insane in the membrane.

38:41Why would they do such a thing?

38:43That's crazy, bitch.

38:44That's why I pay them, bitch.

38:46Why would I do that, bitch?

38:48So we set the record straight.

38:50They ain't done nothing to Michael's face.

38:52Join me after the break where Michael will be teaching me how to do the moonwalk.

38:55I'm going to kick off my high heels and get out my big toes and rub them down with some

39:00cocoa butter and get a hot tub.

39:03Obviously, Michael's voice changed in pitch and tone because we took his testicles and

39:08placed them in his cheeks.

39:11Now, the medical term for this is bollocks cheeks.

39:14Now, it's almost mandatory in L.A. for people to have bollocks injections.

39:21I got a bollocks here, a bollocks here.

39:24They even put in a cleft chin like Kirk Douglas between the two bollocks.

39:29I have bollocks injections here.

39:31I have bollocks injections here.

39:33Another bollocks here.

39:35Hell, Michael and I were the king of bollocks.

39:37We'd buy bollocks every week.

39:40Uh-huh.

39:42Uh-huh.

39:43Yes.

39:43Well, you will need a phone line.

39:45Hold on a second.

39:46It was about this time that he did the Earth song, which he performed at the Bricks.

39:50And did you know that was one of his biggest selling singles?

39:54Did you know that?

39:55No, did you almost?

39:57Oh!

39:58What about firepins?

40:00Oh!

40:01What about cheese?

40:03Oh!

40:04What about the common man?

40:07Chewing on bees?

40:09Oh!

40:10What about the bone, you rabbit?

40:14There's no doubt about it.

40:16He was potentially world-class.

40:18And if he was still here with us, he could have been as big as Leona Lewis, who I invented.

40:24Potentially.

40:28What the fuck you doing, motherfucker?

40:30Shantae!

40:31Get this skinny chap off the stage!

40:33I'm being Jesus right now, saving the kids, motherfucker!

40:36Get the fuck off the stage, Sharmon!

40:38He hee, what the fuck is the fuck, Addy?

40:40Get Addy, that's why I'm here, Shantae.

40:42You know that.

40:43Ah, I'm saving the kids, Shantae!

40:45I'm saving the kids!

40:48Free your mind, look at the finger.

40:50See what's happening?

40:52I don't even know whose fingers this is, but it's bending.

40:56Slowly, right?

40:57I can do these things.

40:58See?

40:59He's bending, right?

41:01So, I hypnotized Michael, and I asked him the question, the question everybody want to ask.

41:07Michael, Michael, will you be my friend?

41:15Yuri, that'd be stupid.

41:17You know that I'm your friend, even though I only met you six times.

41:22Yes, he's my friend.

41:23So, I make up this character, and I tell Michael, he can get us a good deal on two-week

41:29holiday

41:30on the moon.

41:31Michael is very excited, because he wants to do his bloody moonwalk on the moon, but

41:37I know this is impossible, because I have made this up so Michael will be my friend.

41:44Hi, Yuri, it's Michael Jackson.

41:46I'm really excited about the moon trip, but I want to be the first, before NSYNC, Boyz

41:51to Man, Milli Vanilli, or any of them bitches.

41:54I love you, bitch.

41:55Bitch.

41:56He sounded so gullible, so naive, and I'm listening to this, and I'm masturbating.

42:03I'm slamming my penis against the door.

42:06I have the penis inside this bag of nettles.

42:08The cat is scratching at it.

42:11This mouse is nibbling at my ballsack, and two doggies saying, wuff, wuff, wuff.

42:16And I'm wrapping around this thread, around the bellend, until it's going blue.

42:21Until there's blood coming out of the head.

42:23Really fucked up shit, you know.

42:25I invented your regala.

42:27Potentially.

42:28So, Michael would be my friend.

42:30I also told him that I know this dude who work at Matterland, and he can close down

42:35the hall's door, and we can do shopping without any kind of harassment.

42:40We should honor Michael.

42:41We should honor Michael.

42:43We are going to be shopping until we are dropping.

42:46Michael is my friend.

42:47Look at our fingers.

42:48Bent, right?

42:48I don't even know whose finger this is.

42:50Come on.

42:50We are going to have great bargains.

42:52Great bargains.

42:52What's up, Michael?

42:53Calm down.

42:54You are excited, right?

42:55Let's go find some bargains.

42:57Nice buttocks.

42:59Michael!

42:59Look at this.

43:00Pack of trees.

43:01Barstock.

43:02Only $4.99.

43:03We should get this, you know.

43:05Come here.

43:06Come here.

43:07Come here.

43:09This is not Matterland.

43:11This is JJJBBB Sports.

43:15I wanted to go to Matterland.

43:17Where's the back to school sale?

43:18They don't have that here.

43:20This is not Matterland.

43:21Michael, you are correct.

43:23This is not Matterland.

43:25I don't know no dude who works at Matterland.

43:27But I actually know this dude who works at JJJBB Sports.

43:34And he has closed the whole place down for us.

43:36So we can buy all these bargains like yoga mats.

43:39Look.

43:40Don't do yoga mats.

43:41You know that.

43:42It's burning like big pink peanuts on this golf umbrella.

43:46You like this, right?

43:47Look.

43:47It's burning.

43:48Keep watching.

43:48You don't like golf.

43:49It's scary.

43:50That's scary.

43:51The little balls might get inside you, Yuri.

43:54This is not Matterland.

43:55Look at this.

43:56What is this crazy contraption?

43:58You should use this for when you are working out.

44:01Like this.

44:01When you are doing the tour.

44:03You make you very fit in the buttons, right?

44:05Look at this.

44:06This is not Matterland.

44:07It's fantastic.

44:07Michael, look at this.

44:10Judo costume.

44:11Yum.

44:12They got Judo suits.

44:14Yuri, that's beautiful.

44:15Get two of them and put one in there for yourself.

44:19Michael.

44:20You don't know how happy this is making me being.

44:23That's beautiful.

44:24I love Judo suits.

44:26I want to be the black belt.

44:27Michael is my friend.

44:28I'm so happy.

44:30I am pressing popcorn into my penis very hard.

44:33Really fucked up shit, you know.

44:35Despite this, I introduced him to my friend, Martin Bashir.

44:46I should never have done this because this was Michael's downfall.

44:58Michael, as we've walked around Neverland, we've noticed there's a lot of steak and kidney

45:05pies.

45:06Yes.

45:06We even saw some in your bedroom.

45:09Oh.

45:10Oh.

45:11Do you think it's right that a 44-year-old man should sleep with steak and kidney pies?

45:18Yes.

45:19Steak and kidney pie.

45:21Steak and kidney pie.

45:24Why does he sing this ridiculous song?

45:27Steak and kidney pie.

45:28Steak and kidney pie.

45:29Pie.

45:29Do you think that's appropriate?

45:31Steak and kidney pie.

45:34Mmm.

45:35Mate, why do you do these things, Mate?

45:38Why do you ask me these things?

45:40If you're asking, did I have sexual relations with steak and kidney pie?

45:45Yes, I did.

45:47That is the most beautiful thing that a man can do.

45:52It's beautiful.

45:54It's beautiful.

45:55It's beautiful, bitch.

45:57Steak and kidney pie.

46:00It's beautiful.

46:03It's beautiful.

46:04In the kitchen.

46:07Oh.

46:09That's my pee, bitch.

46:10Oh.

46:11Nasty boy.

46:14Marty.

46:15What are you doing, bitch?

46:17You know, in those days, everything was normal.

46:21Everybody had sex with steak and kidney pies.

46:24Did you get that on camera?

46:25And cut?

46:27Michael.

46:28Can I have a go?

46:30I'm very interested to see how this feels.

46:33Just put some vinegar on it.

46:34That'll do it right.

46:36So, yeah, Michael Jackson was well vexed after that steak and kidney pie fiasco.

46:41Ix and doocy!

46:43And he disappeared for about...

46:45Do you want DVD?

46:46Do you want DVD?

46:47DVD!

46:47Beat the max!

46:48Let's have a look, then.

46:50You've got toys.

46:50You haven't got Toy Story.

46:52Clear off.

46:52I'm sick of you coming round here unless you've got Toy Story.

46:55So, anyway, decided to bulk up with Incredible Hulk.

46:58He wanted to get proper tonks, you know what I mean.

47:01Neil Buchanan!

47:02Steve George!

47:03Donkey Mouse!

47:06So, I get this call at the intercom from this guy who said he's Michael Jackson.

47:10I said, little Michael Jackson from the Jackson 5.

47:13I said, yo, Michael!

47:15Yeah, Michael!

47:17He said he wants to get his body like a dancer.

47:19So, I said, come down to the gym.

47:21We'll get you doing some cardio.

47:22I said, yeah, Michael!

47:24No doubt.

47:26Go, Michael!

47:27Push it!

47:28Keep pushing, Michael!

47:29Yeah, Michael!

47:30Very good, Michael!

47:32You can do it!

47:33You can do it, Michael!

47:34Keep going, Michael!

47:36Yeah, Michael!

47:37Yeah, Michael!

47:38Yeah, Michael!

47:39Yeah, Michael!

47:40Yeah, Michael!

47:43Yeah, Michael!

47:45Yeah, Michael!

47:45Go, Michael!

47:46Push it, Michael!

47:47Very good, Michael!

47:48Yeah, Michael!

47:50Yeah, Michael!

47:53Okay, let's take a break.

47:55then we do some squats. No doubt.

47:58I am not speaking to Michael for some time

48:00and I am missing vigorously masturbating

48:03and sticking cactus off my crack

48:05while hearing his voice.

48:07So I telephoned Michael

48:08and I tell him I know this dude

48:11who is alien and he can take him

48:13away to a galaxy far, far away

48:15to a planet that does not exist.

48:17I'm making this up so he will be

48:19my friend. Here!

48:21He is safe from

48:23any kind of bad press. All you

48:25have to do to communicate to this

48:27man is to say the code word on

48:29television. This is it!

48:32This is it!

48:34And my alien

48:35friend will come to him at the

48:37old two-second.

48:40This is

48:41shit.

48:44These are

48:45tits?

48:46What is it?

48:49What is one?

48:51Two seconds.

48:53code word for the aliens.

48:56You, it's Michael Jackson,

48:57bish. What be the code

48:58for the aliens again?

49:00This is it!

49:01That's what I do, you, bish.

49:06This is it!

49:10This is, this is it!

49:14This, this is it!

49:17This, this is it!

49:18See the aliens?

49:19No, sir, you'll actually need the box

49:21otherwise you don't get the channels.

49:23Yes, that's correct.

49:25And unfortunately,

49:26that was it.

49:29He's dead!

49:31And I bought a ticket and all.

49:33Still ain't got me money back.

49:34Can I get a refund?

49:37Sorry.

49:38We were both outbrocken that Michael Jackson died.

49:42But I, um,

49:44specifically don't think

49:46he's actually dead.

49:47Because, remember,

49:48when I was speaking to Kevin Webster

49:50from Coronation Street,

49:51he said the same thing about

49:52Bruce Lee.

49:53How can the fittest man alive

49:55die?

49:56It's like Elvis,

49:58Thornton,

49:58Key's dead.

49:59Now there's Tupac Sharkin.

50:01And, um,

50:02I think they're all

50:03in a fish and chip,

50:04they all work in a fish and chip shop

50:05in Sheffield, probably.

50:07Michael will be remembered

50:09as the greatest entertainer

50:12of all time.

50:13And I know when he watches this

50:15in the greater place

50:17in the world,

50:17in heaven,

50:18he'll be laughing

50:19because he knows

50:20that all of us

50:22love him so much

50:23for the great music

50:24that he gave us,

50:25that will live on forever.

51:00I think he's been a thoroughly

51:01great.

51:01I love you.

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