- 13 hours ago
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00:07Ladies and gentlemen, Aide Emerson and Rick Mayer.
00:43Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn't get his gnawb out of the chicken.
00:49Thank you, thank you. Eddie?
00:52That's right, it was me. I'd just like to say, fucking cuntibollocks.
00:59Because these are words we're not allowed to use during the show.
01:03So I decided to get him out of the way now, and then we can get the show out of
01:06the way and start talking about real people again.
01:08Thanks a fucking lot.
01:10Thank you very much. Laugh a lot while we're walking around to your eyes and shark you to death.
01:53And you've no objection to taking part in an identity parade, sir.
01:56Oh, absolutely none at all. Social responsibilities are by...
01:59Well, oh, I fucked up already, sorry.
02:05Sorry.
02:06It's been a long night.
02:14Looks like that missing blackmail nudie snap of Desmond Lynam.
02:19That illegal Malibu and paracetamol all-nighter that you couldn't get to, remember?
02:24Because you were at your auntie's poodle's circumcision bash.
02:27Do you remember me telling you about this?
02:29No.
02:30Oh.
02:33Oh.
02:33Oh, look!
02:36It's no wonder they call him the Anchorman.
02:40Well, come on, Eddie, come on.
02:41Give me a hand to lift the fridge.
02:43I want to get a glimpse of Desi's...
02:45Oh, fuck, I knew I'd forget that.
02:49Oh, and here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal.
02:53Oh, bless them, they never forget an old serviceman.
02:58By serviceman, I take it you mean that time you got caught pretending to be the captain?
03:03Well, I'm fucking wrong, don't I?
03:07God, you're weird, aren't you?
03:08I mean, you're really weird.
03:12This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year, isn't it?
03:15Well, it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had to order you to cancel your birthday party.
03:20You weren't ill.
03:21You just had...
03:22Oh, fuck, bastard.
03:29I wonder what we'll do.
03:32Well, what we always do.
03:33Hang about in the boarding house playing Scrabble until the rain lets up
03:37and then dash out to the bookies and back.
03:39Oh, yeah!
03:40Oh, I can't wait.
03:43Hey, do you think the landlady will be anything like we had the one,
03:46well, you know, fucking up the bun?
03:49You didn't fuck her up the bun, did you?
03:52Of course not.
03:54You've got a load of spunk in your hair.
03:56Shut up!
03:58Eddie, are you seriously suggesting that we kill this poor, defenseless burglar
04:02without any trial or anything, just so we can live the high life in the...
04:05Oh, bollocks.
04:08I don't think I've been there.
04:11I have.
04:12Our only chance is to get Auntie Olga to write us a big, fat check.
04:16Oh, that reminds me.
04:17I'd better get her to bring all her checkbooks.
04:19Daft old cab bought a bunch of bananas last time.
04:23Eddie, spread those bills around strategically
04:25so she sees one wherever she sits.
04:27Hello.
04:27Oh, fuck.
04:28Sorry.
04:30Sorry, Roger.
04:31I was in the wrong place.
04:32I have to stand there.
04:33Sorry.
04:33Bugger.
04:34Right.
04:35Our only chance is to get Auntie Olga to write us a big, fat check.
04:37Oh, that reminds me.
04:39I'd better get a break to...
04:40Oh, pism.
04:42Merry Christmas, Dennis Norton.
04:47Bastard.
04:48Brr!
04:57Watching your tellies, are you?
04:59Addling your brains?
05:01Well, we're having an evening of culture and poetry and chess, you know,
05:04while you're all sitting there vegetating in front of Emmerdale Farm.
05:08What's happened, by the way?
05:10Has Moss...
05:11Has Moss...
05:11Oh, who the fuck is Moss?
05:17Oh, it's such a long speech.
05:19It's a cross between Matt and Amos, you see.
05:25Ah, perfect evening.
05:28Oh, watching your tellies, are you?
05:31Addling your brains?
05:32Well, we're having an evening of culture and poetry and chess, you know,
05:36while you're all sitting there vegetating, watching Emmerdale Farm.
05:39You sad peasants.
05:42What's happened, by the way?
05:43Has Moss saw...
05:44Moss, I'm telling you...
05:48Oh, thank God I remembered.
05:50Oh!
05:52Ah!
05:54Oh, sorry, Constable.
05:57Well, that's charming, isn't it?
05:59It's no wonder they all make programmes like the Bill to take the piss out of you.
06:04All right, Eddie, how are you doing?
06:08That's the wrong feed.
06:09Bollocks.
06:12Oh, thank God I remembered.
06:15Off you go.
06:16Oh.
06:17Ah!
06:18What?
06:19Oh, sorry, Constable.
06:21Oh, well, that's charming, isn't it?
06:23Yeah, it's no wonder people make the...
06:25Fuck.
06:29Fox stout.
06:31Foxy stout.
06:36Yes.
06:38Now, that's got something.
06:41Sorry, I forgot my words.
06:42Bum.
06:48His fault.
06:51We sit up on the roof, watching the cricket and having a bit of a picnic.
06:55Someone comes into the shop, they open the door, the bell rings, we come down and serve them.
07:01Nothing could go wrong.
07:03Nothing could go wrong.
07:03Signs smashing.
07:04Let's get out of here.
07:05Right you are, old sunny Jim, young fella, me lads, me...
07:07Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
07:11All fucking week I've got that right.
07:13He hasn't enough.
07:14I have.
07:15Oh, that's how it works.
07:18Oh, by the way, Eddie, what are you doing now?
07:30Happy birthday to me.
07:35Happy birthday, Richie.
07:37Oh, Eddie, you shouldn't have.
07:38You know I don't like anyone to make it a...
07:48I'll leave that in.
07:54Didn't you want to follow on?
07:56Shall it be sick, depraved?
07:59I'd quite like to.
08:00This is my, er, my impression of Paul Nicholas.
08:05Hello, pen.
08:19Well, where's mine?
08:21All right.
08:21Da-da-da-da!
08:22Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
08:26Da-da-da-da-da!
08:32What is it?
08:34Well, it's a picture.
08:35Oh, a picture.
08:36Oh.
08:37One of.
08:39Oh, me.
08:41Self-portrait. Don't you like it?
08:45Well, it's bollocks, isn't it?
08:48No, no, it's one of mine, although he is awfully good.
08:51We do have a similar style, don't we?
08:53In fact, a lot of people say that my paintings look like bollocks.
08:56Come on, let's go downstairs and see where we can hang it.
08:59I thought it'd go well next to the dining room table.
09:02Yes, well, that should help me lose a lot of weight.
09:05Oh, hey, what about sticking it in the toilet?
09:07Not a bad idea, but I doubt if the flush mechanism could cope with it.
09:13What?
09:14Hang on, I've got the perfect place for it.
09:19Er...
09:21Right a bit, I think.
09:24No, left, left a bit, down a bit, down a bit.
09:28Yeah, hold it there.
09:29Right.
09:30Yep, that's just about dandy.
09:37That looks lovely.
09:42You're a filicide, Edward Hitler.
09:44That's your problem.
09:45It took me 15 minutes to paint that.
09:58First, you must cross my palm with silver.
10:02God, you're like a bloody broken old record, you, aren't you?
10:05Cross my palm with silver.
10:07Look, I can't cross your palm with silver.
10:09I've just had my bloody wallet nicked.
10:11Cross my palm with silver.
10:13You're a fortune teller...
10:14Oh, I got my words wrong.
10:15Bugger, bugger, bugger.
10:19Cross my palm with silver.
10:22Look, I can't cross your palm with silver.
10:23I've just had my wallet nicked.
10:24You're a fortune teller, you should know that.
10:26Cross my palm with silver.
10:29Oh, Pam.
10:32Oh, sorry.
10:33You have to go again.
10:43Before the moon rises three times...
10:48Yes, yes.
10:50You're gonna die.
10:51Oh, I'm gonna...
10:51What?
10:53You are going to die.
10:56No!
10:57No!
10:58Oh, the wire glass is orbing and they all be spinning.
11:02Here, let me have a look at that.
11:04I...
11:04I...
11:04My words are very funny.
11:08I'm winning so far.
11:22Here's your gin.
11:29Oh, Eddie, Eddie.
11:31This is so sophisticated, isn't it?
11:32I feel just like Lord Byron.
11:34And that other bloke.
11:35You know, Earl's thingy with the long dressy on
11:37and lots of flappy stuff around his chin.
11:39Really?
11:40Because you look like a stupid git with his raincoat on his...
11:48Hello, Pam.
11:50Fancy a shag?
11:51Oh, my God.
11:53Oh, my God.
11:53...
11:58Eight series and you never said it.
12:00I see.
12:02You want someone homely,
12:04with cooking skills,
12:06fun to be with,
12:08and a Wazzle pair of jugs.
12:12That's right.
12:13But obviously we're flexible...
12:15But not about the jugs.
12:16No.
12:17We have to be firm on the jugs.
12:19And the jugs have to be very firm.
12:20Yeah. Oh, come on, Ed. There must be more to life. I shouldn't have said Ed, didn't
12:26you? No, you can't. Oh, go on, have another hobnob. Oh, you are evil. Don't you start
12:39on me. Oh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it? No, I'm not that pervy.
12:48Are you not? No. Do you know, I forgot my next line. It's a weird booker. Three and five
12:57are eight. Two and eight. Eight? Two and eight is nine. Four hours, 17 minutes. Is it? Oh,
13:05yes, yes, I know it is. Yes, I knew I was just about to say that. Four hours and 17
13:08minutes
13:09to get in next door and remove the illegal gas. Four hours, 17 minutes. Is it? Yes,
13:19that's right, I knew that. I was just about to say that. Right, so that means we've got
13:21four hours and 27 minutes to get in next door and remove the illegal gas pipeline we connected
13:26to next door's mains. Right? Oh, look at that policeman over there. Which one? The one
13:38leaping about waving his arms in the air. Oh, the one that's on fire? Yeah. Well, he's
13:44got no one to blame but himself. I mean, it was him that started it all by appealing for
13:50me. I can't. Provocative bastard! I've forgotten my fucking line.
14:05There we are. Good start. I think we should just wait for the window of
14:11curries to blow and then we'll pop out and do a bit of shopping. Right. It's a 28-inch Saran
14:16sound TV with fast text, FST, NICAM and loads of other bollocks that no one understands.
14:21Well, I've had me eye on for a couple of months now. A bit overdone. What? Shopping list,
14:27shopping list. I'll go and grab hold of me ballpoint. Oh, well. Oh, no, Richie. No time
14:35for crap double entendres. The window's just blown. They've thrown a policeman through it.
14:39I think. Right, well, that's it. Banzai, baby. Balaclava's on and let's go shopping. I can't
14:45buy my fucking balaclava. Right. Shopping list, shopping list. I'll go grab hold of my ballpoint.
14:55Oh, er. No, Richie. No time. Curry's window's just blown. They've thrown a nun through it.
15:04Well, right. That's it. Balaclava's on. Oh, fuck. Sorry.
15:11Shopping list, shopping list. I'll go grab hold of my ballpoint. Oh, er. Oh, no, Richie.
15:17No time for crap double entendres. Curry's window's just blown. They've just thrown a swag through it.
15:23Have they? Right. Banzai, baby. Balaclava's on and let's go shopping.
15:28Yeah.
15:35No.
15:42No.
16:41Right now, this is definitely the last ride of the evening, Eddie.
16:44We've had plenty of fun for one evening.
16:46No, I said evening twice.
16:47I've fucked up already.
16:48Bars!
16:55Oh, it's going to be a long night.
16:58Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:03Well, is that it?
17:04That's ridiculous.
17:05If I paid three quid for that ride, that's an absolutely outrageous rip-off.
17:09I mean, especially considering it's two juveniles like you and me, you shouldn't have to pay
17:13full whack anyway.
17:14Calm down.
17:15Shall we start again?
17:16Yeah, it's a lot of...
17:22Hello, Hayes.
17:25Fancy a fuck?
17:38Fancy a fuck, yeah?
17:45It's this donkey.
17:48It's a good one, isn't it?
17:52It's this donkey and he's grazing in a field.
17:54This is true, actually.
17:56It's grazing in a field and a flying saucer lands.
18:00And the door opens and a little green man comes out like that.
18:07Four legs.
18:09Four legs and he, uh...
18:11And his head.
18:13And he comes over to Toby the donkey.
18:16And he says,
18:16Toby,
18:18I could tell you a joke that'll blow your bollocks off.
18:21Toby says,
18:21I've already heard that one.
18:31Bye-bye.
18:33Bye-bye.
18:42Bye-bye.
18:45Uh-huh.
18:46Oh!
19:08On Christmas, there's... there... what's his fucking name?
19:13Mark, no, it was the man.
19:16Dennis Norton.
19:17Dennis Norton?
19:18Happy Christmas, Dennis Norton.
19:20You bastard.
19:24There you are.
19:36I'll use another match.
19:38Not that one, cos it was scrap.
19:42Bitch.
19:49I'll use another match.
19:51Squashed potatoes?
19:54Very possibly, Eddie. I think I just sat down too quick.
19:59Oh, fuck. Sorry.
20:09Right, here we go.
20:11Spud gun, one potato or two?
20:13Two, please.
20:15No.
20:16One.
20:18No, two.
20:19No.
20:20One.
20:21OK, one.
20:22Right, that's better.
20:26Ow!
20:27Change...
20:29Change my mind.
20:31No, Eddie.
20:32No!
20:32Not the bleach!
20:33Eddie?
20:35Eddie!
20:38Right.
20:53It goes like that, right?
20:54Yeah, that's fine, actually.
20:56Just a cut to it later, so...
20:57...from...
20:58Oh!
21:00Stop it.
21:05Gothic...
21:07...
21:08...
21:08...
21:09...
21:15...
21:15We're not recording.
21:16Be much better if we haven't got the sound difference.
21:21There going me underpants again.
21:30Sorry, I couldn't get you to the fucking door.
21:35Eddie, this is fantastic.
21:37Chess is the best idea we ever had.
21:39And it was one of mine, wasn't it?
21:41Right.
21:41Now, this has got to be perfect.
21:43Just two guys, right?
21:44There's no chicks.
21:45It's just man-to-man, civilised, elegant, urbane male stuff.
21:50And I'm not being funny.
21:52Right, so what do we need?
21:57We need twiglets, right?
21:59Twiglets for the guys.
22:01How much money have you got in the house?
22:05Oh, none.
22:06What about the 300 quid on top of the bathroom cabinet?
22:09How do you know about that?
22:11God, I keep telling you, mate, on death I know everything.
22:15Everything?
22:15What, even about the...
22:17Especially that, you know.
22:19OK, I'll get the money.
22:21Just don't tell anybody.
22:23You wait right here.
22:25Whoa!
22:33Oh, fuck.
22:36Oh, God.
22:37I'm not very fit.
22:39I hope I've got nothing this far.
22:54Oh, it's good to be alive.
22:58You take this and I get to live, yeah?
23:00Um, not quite, no.
23:02Um, the full deal is this.
23:03I take the 300 pounds and your fantastic mate, Eddie, gets to live here rent-free for the rest of
23:10his life.
23:11I've dropped the fucking money.
23:12Oh, yeah, that's great.
23:16Oh, yeah, that's great.
23:20OK, do you want me to come in again?
23:22No, it'd be better that way, but I need too much.
23:27Well, it's not continuity, then.
23:29They're going to use this only, aren't they?
23:30We'll get letters.
23:32When, oh, when?
23:34Will the BBC wake up and realise that his fingers will go away from?
23:44Who was right?
23:44It was me, wasn't it?
23:47Oh, jeez.
23:49How are you alive?
23:51I may very well not be.
23:56Well, anyway, this is going to bloody work.
23:58Right, look, we stuff that in there.
23:59Yes.
24:00Right?
24:00We light it.
24:01Mm-hmm.
24:02And then when the next helicopter comes along, we bang it up in the air.
24:05If I ever get my fucking hand out of my pocket...
24:08I've told you about that before.
24:10You don't mind.
24:14Great Saturday night.
24:16Oh, well, may as well have another drink.
24:18Landlord, I shall have a last...
24:19Time, gentlemen, please.
24:21You are...
24:21Ouch!
24:25Hi, baby.
24:30Oh, you smell great.
24:32Eddie.
24:33Let's do it.
24:34Get a grip.
24:35Oh, you're lovely, are you?
24:36Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.
24:39Eddie, no.
24:41Gretchen.
24:42Yeah!
24:42Oh!
24:43Right, that's it.
24:44I'm off.
24:45Oh, no!
24:47Oh, smack the door's out!
25:05Don't say it.
25:10Bit of a limp cock you've got there.
25:12I don't know.
26:02So you had the egg.
26:24Hello.
26:25Just doing my exercises.
26:27I say, what a smashing blouse.
26:31Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
26:34And then afterwards, you know, no pressure or anything, I could do it to you.
26:38No, no, really, I'm not joking.
26:40I'm really very keen on you, my love.
26:43I think you need a breath freshener.
26:47You burk, Eddie, I was on there.
26:50Oh, yeah.
26:51All the classic signs were there.
26:53The sneer.
26:55The look of disbelief.
26:57The sudden panic and exit.
26:59A bit like every other bird you've talked to in the last two weeks.
27:03Absolute twaddle.
27:04I've had some bloody narrow squeaks.
27:06Squeaks?
27:07You told me that holiday was going to be a blistering two-week sex rampage.
27:13It's Western Supermare, Eddie.
27:17Western Supermare.
27:19Where they filmed Carry On Camping when Barbara Windsor's top came off.
27:24You said, if I come back with my cherry, Edward, you might as well buy me a dress.
27:30All right, all right, what about that barmaid in that discotheque?
27:33I had a conversation with her.
27:35Oh, yes, and what was it?
27:37Half a lager and lime, sir, that would be £10.40.
27:41Oh, come off it, Eddie.
27:42If I hadn't slipped over in me own vomit on the dance floor,
27:46she'd have been just another notch on your tomahawk.
27:51Speaking of notches on your tomahawk, how's your sunburn?
27:56Not good, Eddie.
27:57Not good.
27:59Bugger that swimsuit.
28:01Why did you make me buy a thong?
28:04For a bit of a laugh, really.
28:07There were no instructions on which way round to put it.
28:13And I could have saved £30 and used my shoelaces.
28:17Oh, that cruel Western Supermare sun.
28:21I had one glass of that horrible scrumpy stuff
28:23and passed out on the beach while I was picking the bits out of my teeth.
28:26When I woke up, I thought some mad surgeon had replaced my undercarriage with a red hot chilli pepper.
28:33I mean, who invented the thong?
28:36Sadist.
28:37It's like wrapping cheese wire around your taco.
28:40Lucky I came back in one piece.
28:42Well, I sneezed at one point thought I was going to have to come home in slices.
28:48Mind you, I did cut a very attractive figure.
28:51It's a shame those photos never came out.
28:54No, they did come out.
28:56Just the police seized them, remember?
28:59Gross indecency, they said.
29:01Oh, gross indecency.
29:04Sorry.
29:05Minute indecency.
29:07Well, whichever. We can't go back to Western Supermare and that's final.
29:10And that's why we're here.
29:11Now, a lot of people sneer at marriage bureaus, you know.
29:14Why? Because they know how to get off with birds.
29:16Yeah.
29:17No, no, no. What I mean is...
29:19In the hurly-burly of modern city life,
29:21a thrusting young executive doesn't have time to go bird hunting.
29:24So, he comes to a modern dating agency where for 120 quid,
29:27they'll fix him up with a bird who's a dead cert and no questions asked.
29:30Now, have you filled in your form yet?
29:32I'm just on the multiple preference section.
29:36Er, blonde.
29:37Yep.
29:39Brunette.
29:40Yep.
29:42Dark.
29:43Yep.
29:46Intelligent.
29:48Alright.
29:50Well, good for you, Eddie.
29:53I must say, I do favour the intelligent bird myself.
29:56Oh, really?
29:56Well, yes, it's sexist to like the good-looking ones, you know.
30:00Is it?
30:00Oh, yes, very unfashionable.
30:01You have to have an intelligent one these days.
30:03I saw it on Kilroy.
30:07They had half a studio of lookers and the rest were intelligent, you know.
30:12Short hair, glasses, homemade earrings, you know.
30:15What was the issue?
30:16Well, I couldn't quite work that out.
30:18Ah, well, it was Kilroy, wasn't it?
30:19Yeah, that's right, yeah.
30:21But the point was, you're supposed to want to do it with the ones that you don't fancy.
30:25Right.
30:27Who gets to breed with the lookers, then?
30:29Oh, nobody, mate.
30:30Nobody.
30:31Just the sexists.
30:32Ah, right.
30:38Are they on the lookout for sexists?
30:40I mean, how does one join?
30:42I don't know, Eddie, but I've ridden into Kilroy and I'm expecting a reply in some forms any day now.
30:46Ah, right.
30:49Hello, gentlemen.
30:51Sorry to have kept you waiting.
30:53Coffee?
30:53Er, no, just birds, thanks.
30:57Any bird will do, but preferably one wearing hot pants.
31:01Oh, er, that means short trousers.
31:03Not someone who likes her farts all the time.
31:17What sort of hotel do you call this?
31:18A full one.
31:20Good answer, yes.
31:24That's where the line comes in, isn't it?
31:26Yeah.
31:34They clap if you fuck up.
31:36Look, look, look.
31:37His balls have got to be there.
31:40I drew them in, both of them.
31:43They've got to be there, underneath his shorts.
31:46They can't be over there in the gold match.
31:48Well, unless it's a ladies' match.
31:51Oh, no, it's just a perm.
31:53Oh, well, thanks very much.
31:55That's another 25 quids worth of...
32:00All right.
32:02Can I drink your juice?
32:08Oh, oh, I see, yes!
32:10Yes, go ahead.
32:12I think I'm going mad this morning.
32:24There's been another fuck-up.
32:33Wasn't me.
32:36I mean, it wasn't me.
32:38It was something else.
32:40She's very fond of animals, Eddie.
32:42That's why it's so important that you're here.
32:43Right.
32:45And if that doesn't break her heart...
32:47Then this will.
32:47No, Eddie, no!
32:49Oh, come on, Richie.
32:50Let's just rumble the old bird.
32:51No, Eddie.
32:51You don't kill the goose that laid the golden egg.
32:54We've...
32:54The golden egg?
32:55Oh, yes, it was a golden egg.
32:56Oh, piss.
32:56I've got it wrong.
32:57Fuck!
33:01Oh, fuck.
33:02You got it right.
33:04Oh.
33:05Oh, fuck.
33:06I said shit.
33:06Oh, shit.
33:06I said wank.
33:07Oh, fuck.
33:13All right, all right, all right.
33:15You'd be laughing on the other side of your face if you were in my shoes.
33:18No, I wouldn't.
33:18I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes.
33:21Oh, damn!
33:23Oh, well, who cares?
33:24We'll be living in fur-lined, lizard-skin thigh boots from here on in if my plan comes to fruition.
33:29Now, let's go over it again.
33:30Oh, sorry!
33:33Right.
33:33Now, this is the plan, okay?
33:35We take off his leg, we take it down the pawn shop, right?
33:39Put all the money on the horse, win, redeem the leg and put it back on.
33:43He'll never know what could possibly go wrong, especially with a horse like Sad Ken.
33:47You're right.
33:48Okie dokie.
33:49I'll distract his attention, you swipe the leg.
33:51Okie dokie, matey bloke, flap, sunny gem, old foe, fucking bastard, bollocky cunt.
34:00Oh!
34:02He knew it was!
34:04I've known that all week.
34:07And so the bloke runs into the bank and says to the girl, stick em' up!
34:11She says righty-o matey boy and sellotates his bollocks to the ceiling.
34:17That's true, I was the bloke.
34:18Yeah.
34:20I was one of the bollocks.
34:22You're always happy.
34:30Where the bloody hell am I?
34:32No, Eddie, calm down, you're in a tent.
34:33You're in a tent.
34:35Listen, Eddie.
34:37I think there's something outside.
34:40Well, of course there's something outside, Richie.
34:42You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be constrained, old, fucked,
34:48bastard, bollocky bums.
34:49You couldn't do any in rehearsals either.
34:54Yes, bastard.
34:58Where the bloody hell am I?
35:00Eddie, Eddie, we're in a tent.
35:01Listen, listen, listen.
35:03I think there's something outside.
35:07Well, there's bound to be something outside, Richie.
35:10You can't expect, oh, fuck, bastard, bollocky bums.
35:18It's not a girl, it's Eddie.
35:20It's not a girl, it's Eddie.
35:21It's not a girl, it's Eddie.
35:22Oh, God, I hope we don't get drunk.
35:23Ah, here we are.
35:25Yeah, well, I can see that.
35:28Oi, oi, mind me bollocks.
35:30I'm not...
35:40There's Freudian.
35:45That sounded like the Chesterfield.
35:48No, I don't think it was that far away.
35:51Eddie?
35:52What if they're after...
35:54What?
35:55What?
35:55What?
35:55I don't know.
35:56I haven't decided what to say yet.
35:57Who knows?
35:58Shall we go back and write it somewhere?
36:00Yes.
36:00OK.
36:01Come with me.
36:03Yes, where is the nearest lavatory?
36:05Hey.
36:07I've just had an idea.
36:09Why don't we stick him on a bus?
36:10Yeah.
36:11No, no good.
36:12The conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare.
36:14No, no.
36:14Why don't we stick him on a bus?
36:16Because the conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare.
36:18Where?
36:19I mean, on the roof.
36:21Oh!
36:22You don't get conductors on the roof.
36:25That's what makes a plan so flawless.
36:28And I don't know my next slide.
36:30You never did.
36:32This is it.
36:34This is...
36:35The Second Coming.
36:37What?
36:38Oh, look.
36:40The Three Kings.
36:42Gold, Frankenstein and Grr.
36:45The Virgin Birth.
36:47And look.
36:49A blue headscarf.
36:50I mean, that really tops it off.
36:53It's all slotting into place.
36:55I knew I was special.
36:57I always knew I was different from the other people.
37:05I always knew I was different from...
37:07It's because I was being kept pure.
37:09Because I was different from everyone else in the whole world.
37:13That's why I never got a shag.
37:15I was being kept pure.
37:15Because I'm different from everyone else in the whole world.
37:19Mind you, I had a few...
37:20Oh, fuck.
37:24There was Mr. Baker.
37:26And Mr. Derbyshire.
37:30Who, interestingly enough, actually came from Berkshire.
37:34Richie.
37:35Shut up, Eddie.
37:35I've got to keep this bird talking till Lady gets here.
37:37Oh, it's you.
37:39Don't sneak up on us old war veterans like that.
37:41You shouldn't do that.
37:42You shouldn't do that.
37:43That's so much fun.
37:47Oh, pfft, testicles.
37:50That's bollocks.
37:52You're just overweight.
37:53Do you dare call me overweight young man?
37:59Oh, washed my sausages?
38:10Cool! Lummy!
38:12Christmas pudding!
38:14Blood and stomach pills!
38:17Hey, Eddie.
38:18What?
38:18We know how to swear, us two, don't we?
38:21You fucking well hit the clit right on the nail there, you cunting bastard!
38:26This is it, then?
38:28Yes, I suppose so.
38:30Any, er, any regrets?
38:33Yes.
38:34Only that I didn't have a... Can we start again?
38:36Yes, we can.
38:37From the top of the show.
38:40Hello, girls.
38:41I need it right here.
38:43Come and get it.
38:47Yep.
38:48That ought to do it.
38:51Bloody good, Eddie.
38:54Yeah.
38:55I think that should work.
38:56If you want to get off with an insane...
39:01Have you got any alcohol on you?
39:08Hey!
39:09That's a good idea.
39:10Let's drink ourselves to death, then we won't notice.
39:13Give it to me!
39:13Give it to me!
39:14Give it to me!
39:15All right.
39:18What's in this?
39:20Brandy.
39:21Good.
39:22Mess.
39:23Perno.
39:24Great fluid.
39:26Oh, fuck, I've forgotten my lovely witty list of things.
39:29That's unique.
39:30Oh, the bastards over the front.
39:33Leave, Edwin.
39:35I certainly do.
39:39What does a man with a two-foot cock have for breakfast?
39:41This morning I had a boiled egg.
39:54I'm pissed at no one.
39:58After me.
40:01A cocktail, how delightful.
40:04A real cocktail, too.
40:11A real cocktail, too.
40:12It's a bug of continuity.
40:37Good, good.
40:38Everything's going swimmingly.
40:39Yes, hot enough in there for you little sprouts.
40:43Or is that the potatoes?
40:44Or is it the stuffing?
40:46It's so hard to tell now.
40:47Everything looks the same.
40:48Oh, good.
40:49That means everything's ready.
40:50Oh, and Lordy, Lordy, look at the time.
40:52They'll be here any minute.
40:53Eddie, is the tree ready?
40:54Yep.
40:56There she is.
40:58Shall I fire her up?
41:00Oh, rather.
41:01Get a bit of Christmas glow going.
41:03Right.
41:06And...
41:06Contact.
41:16Yeah, that's quite a lot of Christmas glow, really, isn't it?
41:20Shall I open the window?
41:21Erm, yes.
41:22Thank you very much.
41:29And there she goes!
41:33As usual.
41:36That's the tenth time that's happened, isn't it?
41:39Yeah.
41:40Do you remember that electrician's course I went on?
41:42Yes.
41:43I'm beginning to think I should have stayed for the full half hour, you know.
41:49Oh, Christmas.
41:51Ding-dong merrily on bloody high.
41:55Why is it always so desperately depressing, eh?
41:58Why does it never snow?
42:01Can't really make a drizzle man, can you?
42:03Or play drizzle balls.
42:06Oh, well.
42:06At least the drizzle will put the tree out, and at least nothing else can go wrong.
42:22Hey, I know, let's all get completely drunk and play Postman's Knock.
42:25Where's that sherry?
42:29It's a bit warm, isn't it?
42:40So, what's Postman's Knock, man?
42:42Oh, right.
42:43Well...
42:44Well, mate.
42:52I'm sorry.
42:54I'm sorry.
42:54I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
42:55You did that, you bastard.
43:00Uh...
43:00Where from?
43:01Drinking the piss again?
43:02You must be the Duke of Kidderminster.
43:05They told me you were loopy.
43:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
43:11No, my dear.
43:12I am his Dukeness.
43:13This is merely Jivez, my Batman.
43:27Well, don't be such an arsehead, uh, leaking tap. That's the wrong one.
43:35What's the amusing water gadget I mentioned?
43:38What is it? It's your knob, isn't it?
43:40Watering can. Watering can.
43:48Was that it? Yes. It was very small.
43:55Here we go. Oh, dear. For the half hour. Oh, dear.
44:00This one's for Dennis.
44:08Yeah, we'll get when we're ready.
44:12No way, watering can.
44:20Merry Christmas, Dennis Norton.
44:22Just drink it up right now. We'll have to force it down your throat. Eh? Eh?
44:26What do you reckon, Dave?
44:27Drink it. He's a psycho.
44:30What? Merry Christmas, sir.
44:33Yes!
44:34Merry Christmas, one...
44:43Well, there's a phone number, Duke Richard, and the very best of luck.
44:47Thank you very much indeed.
44:49And what have you got for me?
44:52I'm not.
44:54I'm not.
44:55Sarah Ferguson.
45:00Do you mind? I'm a respectable man.
45:04Come and eat, let's get ready.
45:11No, but my auntie used to work in a prison.
45:14Oh, really? What did he do?
45:21You're really flexible, aren't you?
45:25Half past age and all's crap!
45:30Look, I have just got to get into my kitchen.
45:34Here's a can of spray, Simone.
45:35You make everything look all Christmas, you know?
45:37You make everything look all Christmas, you know?
45:43You make everything look all Christmas, you know?
45:44I see you have the new Spino.
45:48Half past eight and all's crap!
45:55Now, look, I have got to get into my kitchen.
45:57Here's a can of spray, Snow.
45:59You make everything...
46:08You're one of them Russians, aren't you?
46:10Yeah, I'm a bit Russian myself, you know.
46:12My great-uncle Ivan came over because of the terrible pogroms.
46:16Well, he had them done on the National House, did he?
46:25You bastard!
46:27Wake up! Wake up!
46:30Wake up! Look, he's laughing at me!
46:32He wants me to go to prison!
46:33Look at him smiling, you bastard!
46:34You bastard!
46:35You bastard!
46:36You bastard!
46:37Calm down!
46:43I am calm!
47:00It's hardly surprising that the re-win of the New States is the outstanding comedy on the box at the
47:04moment.
47:10And who said the score was full of shit?
47:13Yeah, this is a great paper!
47:15This is my paper, man.
47:19Kevin Kelly, our eye on the telly.
47:21See you next one.
47:23Thanks, Kevin.
47:40Now, don't you worry, Eddie. There's more than three ways to kill a monkey.
47:44Are there?
47:44Oh, yes.
47:45Oh, yes, indeed. Yes, indeedy-doo.
47:47Ah.
47:50What are they, then?
47:51What a what?
47:52What are these secret and mystical ways of killing monkeys?
47:56Ah, well...
47:58Give me a ladle.
48:00Give me a hat.
48:05I'll do the thinking. Now, shut up. I'm the leader.
48:08No, you're not. I'm the leader.
48:09God, it's pathological with you, isn't it?
48:12Just automatically contradicting everything I have to say.
48:1525 years, day in, day out, constantly gainsaying every positive statement I make.
48:21No, I don't.
48:21There, you did it again!
48:23You bastard!
48:24Give it!
48:25Oof!
48:25Give it!
48:26Simpleton!
48:26Turd!
48:27Aragatang!
48:28Aragatang!
48:29Aragatang!
48:30Aragatang!
48:31There's nothing else going on out here!
48:33Shoot it!
48:35Or I'll start shooting!
48:41Oh, enough of that.
48:43Now, come on. Let's synchronize watches.
48:45At...
48:45A quarter to two a.m.
48:48Five...
48:49Four...
48:49Three...
48:50Two...
48:50One...
48:51Click!
48:52Oh, so it's quarter to three now.
48:55Was that the date?
48:56Oh, well, never mind. I was only trying to be sexy.
48:59Failed rather miserably, didn't you?
49:00Look, just shut up! Get on with it!
49:13We can't go on like this.
49:16Why did they take the telly away?
49:19You know very well why they took the telly away.
49:22No, I don't.
49:24Yes, you do, Edward Hitler.
49:26They took the telly away because, according to you,
49:29while you were wending your merry way down to the telly shop...
49:33Oh, I've forgotten my words. Bugger.
49:38Sorry.
49:44How did we get £86.23 behind in the first place?
49:50All right, all right. Let's change the subject.
49:53It's irrelevant. In fact, I forgive you.
49:55It wasn't me who saved up the money...
49:58Oh, fuck bastard words.
49:59Ooh, ooh!
50:02What a rude man!
50:05One more.
50:09This is unbearable.
50:11We could be missing a watchdog special on faulty bikinis.
50:16No, don't.
50:20Right.
50:21Come on. Let's try and be positive about the lack of telly.
50:23We should use this as an...
50:26As a what?
50:28Two, one!
50:29Whoa!
50:31Slam into the back of the neck.
50:34The fact that you stank of whisky
50:36and that your shirt front displayed a lurid example of...
50:40Oh, bum, sorry.
50:43A lurid example of a bum?
50:45It's a kind of wrong speech.
50:47It's a kind of wrong speech.
50:50Oh, no.
50:53Whack, whack, whack.
50:56Pick it up, please, John.
51:01You're here.
51:03This is being said,
51:03When's the water, please say goodbye.
51:04Uh, no!
51:31Right, well, that's the toilet tent.
51:34Where do we sleep?
51:35Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
51:38Look out, everybody.
51:39I'm about to blow my trousers off in amusement today.
51:42Balls, I forgot the line.
51:44Shag, VD.
51:47Sorry.
51:48Hey, why don't we use your vest as a net?
51:52Would I have to be in it?
51:54Come on, Eddie, hand it over.
51:56I know what I'm doing.
51:57My grandfather was a trollerman, you know.
51:58Oh, that's what they called him in them days, was it?
52:01All right, that'll do.
52:02Come on, give us the vest.
52:09Okay, get the stove piping hot.
52:12Knowing me, there'll be a few hundred pound of mackerel
52:14flapping about on the shore before...
52:15Oh, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.
52:18Am I going to have to put that fucking vest under my shoes?
52:26Eddie, you know this is my last pair of tights, don't you?
52:29Yeah, well, come on, let's go this way.
52:31As long as we head into the wind, we'll be all right.
52:35Eddie, if any of this ever gets out...
52:37All right, no, then go back.
52:41Come on, I've got to go home.
52:43What do you mean home?
52:43We can't go home yet.
52:44We've only made half a...
52:45Oh, I've forgotten what I've...
52:47Oh, cunt bollocks, Bart.
52:51Was that it?
52:54Look, I'm sorry, we really don't want to drink.
52:57I think you do.
53:04Are you sure?
53:06All right, if you must, I'll have a Coke.
53:08Bingo!
53:08It bloody works!
53:10Come on, Eddie, you get the boo, you get...
53:12Oh, fuck!
53:14Sorry, I forgot my line properly.
53:16I think I'll come back as Danny Minogue.
53:19Yeah.
53:20They are.
53:21And I'll get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer
53:23in a bar full of mirrors.
53:26Yeah.
53:26And after that, I'm going to come back as a giraffe.
53:29Yeah!
53:31A giraffe?
53:32Yeah.
53:33Well, then I'd have me head up above the trees, wouldn't I?
53:36And I'd be able to keep a really good lookout
53:38for any supermodels taking topless helicopter lessons.
53:50Oh, my God, you French will stop at nothing, will you?
53:55I mean, nothing personal, Andre,
53:57but really, you French are a pretty disgusting lot, aren't you?
54:00I mean, snails, frogs, donkeys droppings.
54:04Lamb, it's no wonder we had to bail you out in two world wars,
54:07nor too busy vomiting to noticing the Germans march down the...
54:16You hold that finger right there, young man.
54:17No-one in this house watches the telly until the Queen's speech.
54:20But it's Noel's Christmas family video accident.
54:24I don't care.
54:25We're English here, but we're going to do Christmas properly.
54:30All right, let's keep it Christmassy.
54:32Right.
54:33There's only five hours to go till lunch.
54:35Crikes, I'd better get...
54:36Oh, I buggered up the line.
54:37Oh, fuck.
54:37Fuck.
54:43Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
54:46Oh, there's more a bit to that line, isn't there?
54:47There's more to that, isn't there?
54:53Yeah, right.
54:59Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Eddie.
55:01I'll tell you what.
55:02I've got a ruddy good mind to twiddle his wing mirrors around as well.
55:06I'm going to do it.
55:06I'm going to bloody well do it.
55:09Where do you think his car is?
55:11Well, he's getting married this afternoon.
55:13Is he?
55:14Yes.
55:19Wait a minute.
55:20What's going on here?
55:22To marry that, you'd either have to be clinically insane or on the make.
55:26Now then.
55:29Which is it?
55:31If you're just here to emotionally cripple my friend, Richie, then that's perfectly OK with
55:37me.
55:39But I have to marry the first stupidly aristocratic, no, I bugged it, I'm so sorry.
55:49But I have to marry the first stupidly wealthy aristocrat I can find, or else my whole family
55:55will be impoverished forever.
55:57And I so hate poor people.
56:05Well, if that's the case, I've got a few quid flying about the places now.
56:09Well, fucking bugged it.
56:16Fuck off.
56:21But I have to marry the first stupidly wealthy aristocrat I can find, or else my whole family
56:27will be impoverished forever.
56:29And I so hate poor people.
56:34Well, if that's the case, I've got a few quid flying about the place, you know.
56:41See?
56:43What stupidity are you after, old bastard?
57:28What stupidity is about, old bastard?
57:35Fuck off!