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00:00We're walking in the air. We're floating in the moonlight sky.
00:09Are you Jarvis Cocker?
00:11Yes, I am.
00:12Were you just singing Walking in the Air?
00:14I was trying to, yes.
00:15That was convenient because I just felt a snowman out of polystylene.
00:20I used snowballs for his snowballs and I used a carrot for his todge.
00:25Do you know when it's our Christmas dinner for ourselves?
00:28Er, I don't know. What time did the turkey go in?
00:31I don't know.
00:33Victoria! Jarvis Cocker's in our garden!
00:36Could you give a rough estimation as to when the Christmas dinner is?
00:39It depends how heavy your turkey is because I think it's something like 30 minutes per pound.
00:45So if you weigh it and multiply it by the poundage of the turkey,
00:49you'll get like a rough estimate of how long it's going to take.
00:52But if you've got a fan-assisted oven, obviously that would speed things up a bit.
00:56Oh.
00:58I don't know if you were to get into some hands or-
01:03Oh.
01:05That'll get outta some hands.
01:06But I said four, say Selector.
01:08Just Selector, mon whisper.
01:11Oh I can't.
01:12For a Gee- jóvort one tell the ch-
01:15Say it then.
01:16Ho!
01:17Ho!
01:18Selector.
01:25Aussie, Aussie, why don't you just fuck off?
01:28Otherwise I will tell the immigration about you
01:30and they will send you back to Mahabharat, wherever you're from.
01:33Just like Scrooge.
01:35Scrooge, you, I hate Christmas.
01:38Bah, bum hug.
01:42Aussie.
01:48Mmm.
01:54Abbott, I am here to tell you
01:56you will be visited by three celebrities.
02:00A celebrity from the Christmas past,
02:02the present and the Christmas yet to come.
02:06Craig, just because it is Christmas special,
02:09don't milk your path.
02:11Stop rubbing up and down like you're floating
02:12and doing the spooky voice.
02:13Fuck off, Abbott.
02:14It took me all day to put this white paint on.
02:16Typical builder's vine.
02:17I bet it only took him half an hour.
02:19Get back in this bloody cupboard.
02:20That'll be no joke.
02:23You're such a twat.
02:27Stupid crying.
02:29I'm visited by three celebrities.
02:33What a loaded bum hug.
02:35How are you, Abbott?
02:36I'm the ghost of Christmas past
02:37and I'm loving each day as if it's me last.
02:39I can't believe it.
02:40Ronan Keaton in my bed.
02:42My second favorite Irish celebrity.
02:43Where's your first?
02:44Brad Pitt when he do snatch.
02:46Atopatopatoto, caravan, man.
02:48Avid, you must listen to me.
02:50Christmas isn't all about tossing off
02:51your favorite celebrity magazines.
02:53I'm here to show you the air of your ways.
02:56Can't you just show me your Patakian?
02:58I promise I won't touch you.
02:59Go on, then.
03:00Only because it's Christmas.
03:02Wow!
03:03Your Irish eyes smiling at me.
03:05I fucking love Christmas.
03:07I mean, I hate it.
03:09Bah, bum hug.
03:10So anyway, she's on her third wave
03:12and I said, hello, we're live.
03:14I'm Davina McCall.
03:15It's Christmas time.
03:17You're live on Channel 4.
03:18Please do not say fuck or bugger.
03:21Reto, Craig David here with Arkez
03:24and we're in Lapland
03:25and we're staying at the Snowland Hotel
03:27and as you can see,
03:29it's shaped like two ticks.
03:31It's going to be proper bow, I tell thee.
03:33This week we sent Craig David to Lapland
03:37just inside the Arctic Circle.
03:42You'd be a fool to think
03:43that this was actually sculptured out of polystyrene.
03:46You'd also be a fool to stay here
03:47cos it's bloody freezing.
03:49It's so cold, me piss sack has frozen up.
03:52Never mind cos me and Arkez
03:54were off to see Santa Claus, aren't we?
03:56You are?
03:57Aye, and I've wrote me list.
03:58Oh, I ain't half wrote me list.
04:00Poor selector.
04:01Oh, I can't get a lot that I like where this is looking.
04:05SHE LAUGHS
04:09Oh, God.
04:13By this suit's tight.
04:16Now, it's not Rudolph.
04:18His name's Baratashiribarahfarsishiribarah,
04:21which is Laplandish for Barat.
04:24Come on, then.
04:25Hold on a second.
04:27Come on.
04:28Forselector.
04:32Well, he goes fast, don't he?
04:35But I kind of like it.
04:39Bangkok, 7,797 kilometers.
04:42I couldn't bang it.
04:44It's so cold, it's gone in like a marble.
04:47Oh, some of it.
04:50Rita, I'm going to see the Sherman.
04:52It's a magical wizard that's going to give me a big dick and good luck.
05:00He said he's got Returning the Jedi on pirate video and hopefully he'll sell that to me later on.
05:06But before that, he's going to sacrifice a young virgin and put snake piss in me mouth.
05:11I'm probably going to get a curse put on me and die.
05:19I think he swore at me, but yes, the bastards have gone.
05:26Evil bastards have gone.
05:28Oh, he's on the pop.
05:32He said within an hour I'll have an ard on.
05:36It'll last for two days.
05:38Her at Nazca.
05:40Her at Nazca.
05:42Cheers.
05:47What have I got myself into now?
05:53But that funny drink's kicking in.
05:55If you can only see down below right now, I'm sticking in his knee.
06:01Well, this is Climax at Trip.
06:04I'm off to meet the main man himself, Santa Claus.
06:07I can't believe it, I tell me.
06:10I hope I don't piss myself with excitement.
06:13I'd like a beard trimmer.
06:14Yeah?
06:15I'd like some tiny bird shoes for Arkes.
06:17Yeah.
06:18I'd like that Ricky Gervais office DVD.
06:21I've heard that's good.
06:22I'd like Operation Buckaroo.
06:25I'd like a bouncy castle.
06:26Yeah.
06:27I'd like some Concord memorabilia.
06:29I'd like a Ford Sierra.
06:32And, oh, can I get a rewind bow?
06:35Silly.
06:36Proper bow, I tell you.
06:40Ho, ho, ho, Silly.
06:42Well, I just met Santa Claus, and I tell you what, I'm absolutely gobsmacked.
06:46He was lovely.
06:47Never met anyone like him, not in past or in future.
06:50Come on, let's get back to Leeds, and hopefully we'll be there in time to see Emmerdale,
06:56to have bloody lights on.
06:57I tell you what, I'm freezing.
06:58I'm kicking myself.
07:00She's got a gob that keeps on hollering me.
07:04So if you need help, just say RICE MP.
07:09But every show, she makes a new friend.
07:13Look like we're from a lot of Texas on, Trisha's gone again.
07:17Eammer now and welcome to Trisha on the Road.
07:20It be a Christmas thing, so we're helping bumble squats that smell fruity.
07:23Here's some fruity boys now.
07:25Kiss my teeth.
07:26One laugh.
07:27Look at the poor little children, freezing in the cold.
07:30So boys, what's your name?
07:31We're in a band called Travis.
07:33You're in a Travis there, right?
07:35Because your uncle, he gave you too much love on his own secret.
07:38Don't tell nobody, all right?
07:40One laugh.
07:41So what you do for Christmas time when you're on the street smelling like a dog shit?
07:46I'm being logical.
07:47So let me do some boogal, boogal, boogal.
07:49Me see bumble squats.
07:51Boogal, boogal, boogal.
07:52Me see a bumble squat.
07:53You feel a little bit warm now.
07:55Now me give it.
07:55Hey, this is my nephew here.
07:57He'll give you some rice and pee.
07:59So give the rice and pee for the boy.
08:00They're looking like they need to be a little bit fed in the bellies.
08:03So when I say rice, you say, I'm pee.
08:05Come on, Travis, sing along with me.
08:07Rice.
08:08I'm pee.
08:08Rice.
08:09I'm pee.
08:10A little bit louder.
08:11Rice.
08:11I'm pee.
08:12Rice.
08:12I'm pee.
08:13Rice.
08:13Rice.
08:13Rice.
08:14Rice.
08:14Rice.
08:15Rice.
08:16Rice.
08:17Rice.
08:18A little bit louder.
08:20Join me next time on Trisha Underworld when I make somebody else feel a little bit better.
08:25Now give me the wet wipes and I hope my hand is smell like a tramp.
08:33I'm a bear down a big brown hole on Hampstead Heath.
08:37It's Christmas.
08:38It could mean several things.
08:40It doesn't.
08:41It's the bear's Christmas grot hole.
08:44Go on, Roberto.
08:45Go get the first kitty.
08:46He's funny, isn't he?
08:48He's a gay elf.
08:49I found him on Hampstead Heath.
08:51Well, he's not really an elf, but he is really gay.
08:54Hello.
08:55Hello.
08:56Mel C.
08:57Tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?
09:00I'd like to be a knee surgeon.
09:02Oh, because you fucked your knee up, didn't you?
09:04Yeah, I fucked it good and proper.
09:05Do you know what I'd like to be?
09:06What would you like to be?
09:07A gynaecologist.
09:09Really?
09:10For obvious reasons.
09:11They get to have a look inside, don't they?
09:14When it's all wide.
09:16I said, wide.
09:17Wide's rude.
09:19Those lucky bastards.
09:22Oh, here he is.
09:24What do you want, Stephen, you bollock face?
09:27He said he wants you to pull his cracker.
09:29Oh, OK.
09:30Be careful, though.
09:30He might have had his dick in it.
09:32He's such a dirty vermin.
09:34I can wash my hands afterwards, yeah?
09:35He probably has had his dick in it, though.
09:39Yay, I won.
09:40Chewing gum.
09:41Who have you won?
09:42Tell the joke.
09:43Two snowmen in a field.
09:45One says to the other, do you smell carrots?
09:48Rubbish.
09:49That joke was budget.
09:51Roberto, give Mel her present.
09:54Chop, chop, you miserable little elfling.
09:56Give her a present.
09:58Oh, my God.
09:59What is it?
10:00What is it?
10:02It's a monkey doll.
10:03It's a monkey doll.
10:05Roberto, is that your idea of clever alternative comedy?
10:09So weird, it's funny, and we don't understand it.
10:12That's rubbish.
10:13I hate you, and I hate Christmas.
10:16I hate it.
10:17I absolutely, blooming, hate it.
10:20Although I do like the Christmas telly,
10:21especially when they play Star Wars.
10:23I do a shat-pank impression of Darth Vader.
10:25Oh, yeah.
10:26Would you like to see it?
10:26Yeah, go on, then.
10:27OK.
10:28Turn the lights down, Roberto.
10:30Let's make it all good.
10:30Do something, yeah?
10:32It's better with the lights off.
10:33Right, here it goes.
10:35Strike me down, Darth,
10:36and I will become even more betterer.
10:48I bet you wasn't expecting that, was it?
10:52Why don't I stick it in your mouth
10:53and see if your cheeks glow?
10:58Roberto, suck us off, will you?
10:59I can't get rid of it.
11:02I can't believe Ronald's man who's...
11:04so smooth like a chipolata
11:07wrapped in bacon for the skin
11:09mounted upon two Christmas sprouts.
11:13It almost makes me want to like Christmas.
11:19Hello, Avid.
11:20Hello to you, Sophie Alex Baxter.
11:22Watching me clean myself with two fox.
11:24I just like two fox.
11:26I think it's more romantic, two fox,
11:28rather than one fox.
11:29What do you think?
11:30One fox, or two fox?
11:33I couldn't give a flying fox.
11:34Fox in hell!
11:35What the fox is Sophie Alex Baxter
11:37doing in my fox in the bathroom?
11:39I'm the celebrity of Christmas present.
11:41I've come to show you the error of your ways.
11:43Because of your unhealthy obsession with celebrity,
11:45you're forgetting about the true meaning of Christmas.
11:47Christmas is a time for families.
11:49For sharing.
11:50For decorating shelves.
11:52Don't forget the baby Jesus.
11:54He's on the perfect.
11:55You're right.
11:57But isn't Christmas also a time for kissing tats?
12:00Underneath the mistletoe?
12:05So what's your favourite, man?
12:07Well, I do like it when the fairy goes on top.
12:09Really?
12:10Yeah, and I was always told when I was younger,
12:11if I never behaved myself,
12:13he would never come with his bulging sack.
12:15So, Brian, for you,
12:17is it more about the giving
12:18or the receiving?
12:21Don't answer that just yet.
12:23Join us after the brief
12:24when I'll still be talking to
12:26Brian Dowling
12:28about being a poof.
12:31So, Brian,
12:32can I not tempt you
12:33with a wee flash of my growler?
12:36Twinkle, twinkle.
12:39Ho, ho, ho.
12:41Selector.
12:43Here you are, Mel.
12:43Oh, thanks, Bert.
12:45This is lovely, isn't it?
12:47Just the two of us.
12:48Cozy night in,
12:49watching Christmas telly.
12:51Anyone would think
12:52we're a married couple.
12:53That's just what I was thinking, Pat.
12:57Don't you think Julie Andrews
12:59is lovely as Mary Poppins?
13:01Yes.
13:02No, I think she's very beautiful.
13:04Do you like Dick Van Dyke?
13:06He's all right.
13:08Do you like...
13:09dicks?
13:11Or do you like...
13:13dykes?
13:15Forget how I sat.
13:17Do you know that card you sent me?
13:18Yes.
13:19It was lovely.
13:20But when you signed it,
13:22love, Pat,
13:24kiss, kiss, kiss.
13:26Do you mean it?
13:28Of course I meant it.
13:30You're one of my oldest friends.
13:32Oh, Pat, I might be old,
13:33but I've still got it.
13:35I've still got it.
13:36It never left me.
13:40Your perfume's lovely.
13:41What is it?
13:43CK, what's it for a man or a woman?
13:47It's just for a woman.
13:49Who is it?
13:50I'll have to get myself some of that.
13:52Sometimes my minge kicks out her eight-pump!
13:56Pat,
13:58seeing as though it's Christmas,
14:00shall we have a little kiss under mistletoe?
14:02Yes.
14:03Yes, I'd love to.
14:04Good job I brought some, then.
14:09Happy Christmas.
14:10Merry Christmas.
14:19What are you doing?
14:22Patsy,
14:22you're giving me hot signals.
14:24What do you mean,
14:25what am I doing?
14:26You said you love me
14:27and your Christmas card.
14:28You try to get me drunk
14:29and it's Christmas.
14:31I think you better leave.
14:33Really?
14:34Yes.
14:34You mince-teasing bastard, you.
14:37I hope you'll have a shy Christmas.
14:39I don't really.
14:41Will you kiss me Fanny?
14:42No, I won't.
14:43Right.
14:44Happy new fucking year.
14:54Over the past 12 months,
14:56there has been much
14:57that has both alarmed
14:59and concerned me.
15:01The congestion charge in London town
15:04and the return of Dirty Dan
15:07in EastEnders.
15:09Dirty?
15:10He doesn't know the meaning of the word Dirty.
15:15But, for me,
15:18yes please,
15:20the best way to describe this year
15:22is as an anal horribilist.
15:24My poor little bumhole
15:26is seen about as much action
15:28as David Blaine's box.
15:30But before I conclude,
15:33I'd like you to think about this.
15:35If you wake up
15:37and find your Siamese twin brother
15:39masturbating you
15:41with this incest,
15:44think about it.
15:46Have a merry Christmas
15:48and that's it
15:50because if I continue,
15:52I swear on Victoria Beckham's life,
15:54I will bum you
15:56into 2004.
16:01All right,
16:03John Lennon here,
16:03back from the dead
16:04to wish you a great Crimble.
16:07But isn't it a shame
16:08that the Axe Brookside
16:09Crimble won't be the same
16:11without a Brookside Christmas?
16:13Schmickles!
16:22So anyway,
16:23she let me kiss them on the end
16:25and I took a photograph of them.
16:27Look,
16:27great touch, right?
16:28So why are you dressed as a Jedi?
16:31Look, Evan,
16:32I'm Alice Cooper,
16:33the celebrity of Christmas
16:34yet to come
16:35and I am here to show you...
16:37The arrows of my way,
16:38I know,
16:39it's a budget version
16:39of Scrooge the Musical
16:40starring Albert Finney, right?
16:42But without the music
16:43and without...
16:44Shut up,
16:44you little ginger freak.
16:45I'm going to show you
16:46what you will become
16:47if you carry on
16:48obsessing about celebrities
16:49and forget about Christmas.
16:51It's Alice Cooper.
16:57Oh,
16:58it looks like
16:59I'm sticking my love inside.
17:01Anish van Alton,
17:02that was the best sex
17:03I ever had
17:04without paying for it.
17:05I don't have to pay for it, right?
17:06No.
17:07Do you know what?
17:08It was the best sex
17:09I've ever had too.
17:10I think we should just
17:11go for it.
17:12All night.
17:13Like fucking rabbits, right?
17:15Again and again and again.
17:16What's your parable about that?
17:18Yeah,
17:18I've always thought
17:19she was a real fox.
17:20But Avid,
17:21if you don't change,
17:23she'll get so wrapped up
17:23in your own naughty
17:24this Christmas,
17:25you'll forget about
17:26your poor dead mother.
17:27She'll get so bored
17:28listening to you
17:29loving yourself all day,
17:30I swear,
17:31she'll go and score herself
17:32a slice of husband pie.
17:34I'm Alice Cooper.
17:35Avid Marion,
17:37meet Wayne Thackeray,
17:40your new father.
17:42Look,
17:42I'm your real dad now,
17:43so you'll just have to
17:44get used to it.
17:45And what have I told you
17:46about wearing that
17:46neck brace in public?
17:47He's such an embarrassment
17:48to me,
17:49haven't you, mother?
17:49I'm an embarrassment?
17:50Look at you.
17:51And you'll never be my real dad.
17:53And we'll have less of your lip.
17:54Fuck off, you skinny cunt.
17:55Oh, I'm all you faithful.
17:56Oh, I love Christmas.
18:00And I promise from now on
18:02I'll think about office
18:03more than myself.
18:04I think about
18:05Oliver Lance right now.
18:06Oh, yeah.
18:07Oh, yeah.
18:08Oh, oh, oh.
18:09In the face.
18:11Twice.
18:16Oh, that's a f***ing great idea,
18:19my Uzi.
18:20Why don't we get f***ing Kelly
18:22to sing a f***ing song
18:23like the perfect f***ing family
18:25do at f***ing Christmas.
18:28Just like the Cusbys.
18:29But, ma'am,
18:30we're not black,
18:31are we?
18:32Oh, shut the f*** up, Jack.
18:34That's a douchebag.
18:36Fat cow.
18:37Douchebag.
18:38Fat cow.
18:38Uh, douchebag.
18:40Fat cow.
18:40Douchebag.
18:41Shut the f*** up
18:43the both of you.
18:44Kelly, get the f***ing dog.
18:46F***ing hate Christmas.
18:49Douchebag.
18:50Fat cow.
18:52Take a horse
18:53with boughs of holly.
18:55Fa la la la la la la la la la.
18:58Well, look who it is.
18:59It's Girls Aloud singing
19:01Deck the Holes.
19:02I'll deck you all.
19:04Why don't you just
19:05f*** off my f*** off?
19:07My imaginary friend
19:09Anthony showed me
19:10how to work with
19:10but I can't work it.
19:12Okay, I'm going to do my song.
19:14Oh, my Kelly.
19:15I'm so f***ing proud of you.
19:17What about me?
19:18I've got a show on telly
19:19and everything
19:20just because I'm a druggie
19:21and alcoholic.
19:23But I'm all freshened up now.
19:24All right, me sweets?
19:26F***ing sakes!
19:28We wish you a Merry Christmas.
19:30We wish you a Merry Christmas.
19:32What's the sugar bathes?
19:33With your hidey and keisha?
19:35Why don't you shut the f*** up?
19:37Otherwise, I'll mack you in the mouth.
19:39I'll hide you
19:40with a piece of f***ing keisha.
19:42I think you're amazing vocalists, though.
19:44F*** off your f***s.
19:46Oh, yeah.
19:47Oh, f***ing sakes.
19:49Who the f*** is that?
19:51Holes f***ing bells.
19:52I'm up and down
19:53like a f***ing yo-yo here.
19:55I can't f***ing believe this.
19:56Hey!
20:00Ozzy!
20:00Happy Christmas.
20:01It's Jonathan.
20:02I just came by to make sure
20:04you were okay
20:04after that horrible quad bike incident
20:06and wish you a happy Christmas.
20:08Jonathan f***ing Ross!
20:09What the f*** are you off?
20:11We're having a f***ing Christmas dinner here!
20:13I didn't want to see if he was okay
20:14after the horrible quad bike incident.
20:15You don't give a f*** about it!
20:17I also had to return these presents.
20:18This is a little wabbit.
20:19I've gotten some wet crayons for you
20:20and a little woo-do for wet-nosed wang-git.
20:22Get your f***ing bottle round here
20:23so you can be on the f***ing box!
20:25Why don't you just f*** off!
20:27You floppy-egg c***!
20:29I f***ing hate you!
20:31I think you're really funny, though,
20:33and your suits are awesome!
20:35F***ing c***!
20:37I'm right, starving!
20:38Can you pass it for a regular rock, Sheriff?
20:40It's getting like
20:41Noel Edmonds f***ing house pie in here!
20:44And don't get me started on that
20:45f***ing bearded c***!
20:47F***ing gotcha!
20:49F***ing gotcha!
20:50I'll f***ing getcha!
20:52I'll f***ing kick you in the teeth!
20:53You bitty f***!
20:55I'll f***ing know Edmonds!
20:57I ain't that!
20:57I'll pie, I'll pie, I'll pie, I'll pie!
21:10I'll pie!
21:13Hee hee!
21:14Oh!
21:15It's that time of year again, y'all!
21:17Where I like to recite the lyrics
21:19to one of my favorite carolet plays!
21:22So check this s*** out, y'all!
21:24Ow!
21:25Psh!
21:25Yeah!
21:28That's right!
21:29That's bubble!
21:30That's some serious s*** right there!
21:31Ow!
21:31Jingle bells!
21:33Motherf***ing jingle bells!
21:35Jingle bells!
21:36On a motherf***ing way, Sheriff!
22:02For my next trick, I'll be givin' birth!
22:06Without actually having Antichrist!
22:09Just like the sweet Mother Mary!
22:12Now that's magic!
22:14Shazam!
22:18I put up my tree stick, my Kylie on top
22:23I made it myself, you can't buy from a shop
22:27My baubles do shine, but my lights, they do not
22:32I don't like me, no, f***ing love her a lot
22:37So let me do tell you who else I do love
22:41I love Edith Bowman and Liberty X
22:46I love Mystique with the brown shiny legs
22:50Destiny's child and their shiny legs
22:55The Venom of God
22:57But sure you know this
22:59How those are fun cheater
23:01I do my dookiss
23:04I know I am dirty
23:06Don't mean to be bad
23:08I draw filthy pictures
23:10Coming off my young son
23:15Christmastime is here again
23:24Christmastime is here again
23:32He's here again
23:33I can't believe it
23:35Who would have thought it comes so f***ing fast?
23:38Every year it gets quicker and quicker
23:40Just like when I pull my potaki
23:43But when I do it, I look at the minigill
23:51Can you smell it?
23:52It's not me, that is the Christmas
23:55I f***ing love it
23:59Ho, ho, ho!
24:00It's a lector
24:01All is cold
24:05Oh, so bloody cold
24:08All is cold
24:14All is cold
24:19You up, Kez?
24:20I just changed words
24:22Because I'm bloody freezing
24:23My knob's gone blue
24:24Here I go, too
24:24Let's go
24:24A little bit
24:25I'm cold
24:25So
24:25All is cold
24:25And it's cold