- 8 hours ago
Rivals Season 2 Episode 3
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00We were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:01...feel scandalous and hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives,
00:06including our very own Sarah Stratton,
00:09recently married to MP Paul Stratton,
00:11and Amanda,
00:12the wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton,
00:15secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession
00:18reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:22Oh Christ.
00:24So, Amanda Hamilton,
00:25you know she used to get me to spank her,
00:27call her the hairbrush.
00:28Daddy.
00:30God, Peter.
00:31Earlier, I interviewed a woman
00:33who was a participant at a group sex session
00:35in a Soho art studio...
00:37What's happening?
00:37...in the mid-60s.
00:39Roll the tape.
00:40Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
00:43A number of rock stars.
00:44At least one of them was in the Stones.
00:46A couple of footballers.
00:48The American actor, Johnny...
00:50Johnny Friedlander?
00:51Yes.
00:52And Rupert Campbell Black.
00:53You don't forget that silky voice.
00:55And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex?
00:59Enthusiastically.
01:00No one was disappointed with it that way.
01:03And I have to ask,
01:04in this age of AIDS,
01:06was anyone there using protection?
01:08Protection?
01:10We were all high as kites.
01:12I've always said,
01:13Fred, Fred.
01:14Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:15And this...
01:16...sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings
01:19by his ex-wife, Helen.
01:21I'm not talking about him, okay?
01:22Please get off my driveway.
01:23Get off my driveway!
01:25Mrs. Gordon!
01:26Oh, my...
01:27Mrs. Gordon!
01:28I think that's no comment.
01:30Helen Gordon.
01:31Previously, Helen Campbell Black
01:33was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black
01:35and his show-jumping teammates
01:36while on holiday in Guinea.
01:38What's a foursome?
01:39What are you doing out of bed?
01:40Plus, we can now hear...
01:42It is another word for a quartet.
01:46At the same time as seducing
01:48Carinium's former controller of programs,
01:50Cameron Cook,
01:51Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
01:53beginning a relationship
01:54with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha,
01:57a girl 17 years, his junior.
01:59Oh, fuck's sake.
02:00Picking the question,
02:00what sort of a man
02:02preys upon the young daughter
02:03of his colleague and friend?
02:05So, what does the Prime Minister
02:06think of the politician
02:08once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:10Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office
02:12was available to comment.
02:14But Campbell Black doesn't seem
02:15to return her regard
02:16in this recording from 1985.
02:19Okay.
02:21You know why they call her
02:22Milk Snatcher?
02:22It's not taking dairy products
02:24from kids.
02:24It's because she's got
02:25a milky sn...
02:27With the polls opening
02:29in ten hours,
02:30we ask,
02:31how can a pervert
02:32and sexual deviant
02:33like Rupert Campbell Black
02:34be allowed to represent
02:35the fine people
02:36of Great Britain?
02:38Fuck!
02:49Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:01oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:12oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:13oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:13oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:13oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
03:40I think you've got to slow it down
03:43Because if you believe that a love can hit the top, you've got to play around
03:48Until you will find that there comes a time for making your mind up
03:54You've got to turn it on, and then you've got to pull it out
03:59You've got to be sure that there's something everybody's going to do
04:03Nobody is there! I'm here, put it in the car!
04:06That there's time to run for making your mind up
04:11We're here at the home of Mr. Rupert Campbell Black
04:14Minister for Sport and subject of last night's extraordinary unscented allegations
04:18We're going to try and get a few words from him as he arrives at his home today on election
04:23day
04:23Mr. Campbell Black, hello this morning sir, Mr. Campbell Black, any comments on the unscented documentation last night?
04:28Good morning everyone, happy election day, don't look too disappointed
04:31Any comments on the unscented last night?
04:36Morning
04:38Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances today
04:42No reference to the broadcast, everything pointed towards getting out of the vote
04:45How's he doing? I tried to call, but...
04:48See for yourself
04:49As the country heads to the polls today for the general election
04:52The question on everyone's lips isn't whether or not Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government can hold on to power
04:58But how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back from such a destructive expose?
05:07Has he been drinking all morning?
05:09He's been drinking all night
05:10He hasn't been to bed
05:11But it's election day
05:13Yep
05:15Can you persuade him to, to, to stop?
05:17Really?
05:22I'm going to call Helen again
05:23Oh, he's been trying out all morning
05:25She's going to go full madare on me after this
05:28Oh
05:43Yeah
05:43Rupert please
05:44Rupert please
05:45What, Rupert?
05:45Rupert in a minute
05:51That's one.
05:55Minister, any comments that I'm censored last night?
06:00Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
06:06Don't forget to vote.
06:16Hurry, hurry, hurry.
06:17Come on, my back is back.
06:25Right.
06:34You've got to pick up Caitlin from school.
06:36Right.
06:42Is this journalism her, Duddy?
06:44Destroying people's private lives.
06:45I mean, the things she said about him.
06:47B.C. is not the brilliant journalist she thinks she is.
06:51God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
06:56What's it mean for Ventra?
06:58Don't know, love.
07:01Don't know.
07:04I'm disappointed, Tony.
07:06You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
07:09We're a partnership, a unit, and we're strong.
07:12And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
07:15God, I know you will put up your differences, but it's poor wife and children.
07:19Who's that?
07:21That's your present.
07:31Oh, Tony.
07:33Happy anniversary, Tony.
07:34Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
07:37I got in early.
07:38I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
07:40You always say they look like rats in war gowns.
07:43The Forkenry has been without peacocks since you were a deb.
07:46It's taken me far too long to set it right.
07:48Mummy would be thrilled.
07:50No.
07:51Well, I need to be careful not to speed up the drive later tonight.
07:55I haven't got you anything yet.
07:57Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
08:00Oh.
08:00I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
08:02You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen on the day of the general election?
08:05Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
08:08We'll spend the evening together.
08:10It'll be good.
08:13Well, you know how I love the theater.
08:24Vroom, vroom.
08:26It's beautiful.
08:29Helen!
08:30Helen, open the door!
08:33You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
08:36Helen, I swear to God, I'll break this down!
08:39Stand down!
08:41Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
08:46Please.
08:47Helen's at school with Tabitha.
08:49I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
08:54You're not running in the father's race?
08:56I don't qualify.
09:01You haven't been to bed, have you?
09:03You know what?
09:04I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Melanie.
09:06Fuck you!
09:06Fuck Helen!
09:07I need to see my children.
09:09I'm their father, if you've forgotten what that's like!
09:25Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
09:30You need to sober up.
09:35How come you didn't know what he was planning?
09:37I can't manage a mother by myself anymore.
09:40I've been off work, moving her into a home.
09:42Tony has been so kind.
09:44He told me to take off all the time that I needed, even when we had an episode of Uncensored
09:48to prep.
09:48Kind or strategic?
09:50I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
09:53We need to get you back to work.
09:55Find out what Tony's doing next.
09:57But he's got what he wants.
09:58Rupert's on his knees.
09:59That'll never be enough for Tony.
10:02You need to come in for the rest of us.
10:04Oh.
10:06Do you think so?
10:07What do you mean?
10:08Oh.
10:10A fiendish of you.
10:11You've got a typical run of the bed the whole time.
10:13Oh.
10:13It's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
10:17What can I say?
10:18You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
10:22Oh, I'm the king to please.
10:23You're about as king to please as a nuclear warhead.
10:26As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
10:28You're a public toilet.
10:30I don't think it was a bit cruel.
10:33You don't know what he did to me.
10:34Proportionate response choice.
10:36Good night's work, everyone.
10:38On we go.
10:43Are you hungry?
10:44A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
10:48Like a murder of Martini and a bloody steak.
10:51I know.
10:53A little hotel.
10:55Very discreet.
10:57We'll be back in plenty of time for the election special.
11:02What an enticing of her.
11:04I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
11:15That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
11:21Elegantly handled.
11:23It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
11:28All right, quiet down, everyone.
11:31I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
11:36Let's make this an orderly discussion.
11:38I know how these things can get emotional.
11:41So, Declan?
11:42Thank you, Freddy.
11:44So, bad news first.
11:47The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
11:49What?
11:51They can't be tainted by association.
11:53Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise.
11:58Is anyone else going to say it?
12:01Rupert should resign from the board.
12:03No.
12:04Now, hold on a minute.
12:04The IBA is run by a woman.
12:05And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
12:10were very hard to stand.
12:12They were private comments.
12:13He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
12:15She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
12:18It was her thing.
12:18If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
12:22As a group, what values do we stand for?
12:30Right, come on.
12:31Easy there.
12:32Easy.
12:34So, we'll go in the order they're called.
12:35James, James.
12:36Hmm?
12:36Probably Cochester first.
12:38Then Rutman, Stan.
12:38Rutman, Stan.
12:39Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley.
12:41Big swing for the Tories.
12:42We have Beattie Johnson presenting the show.
12:44Watch your feet there.
12:45And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
12:48Everyone, this is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA after a ten-year
12:54stint chairing the Women's Institute.
12:57So, I'm used to making a big decision.
13:00All set for tonight, guys.
13:01Hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
13:04And, um, Reverend Penny.
13:05Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
13:09I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
13:14Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
13:18Well, thank goodness that, uh, Campbell Black chose that little venturer set-up over the Carinium Board.
13:23I'm sure the IBA, for the line of the public, could take a stern view on his behaviour.
13:26I shall be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course, sir.
13:29One thing I'm curious about, Lord Baddington.
13:31Yes.
13:31As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell Black's reputation the night
13:37before the country goes to the polls?
13:39Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system, I would say it's paramount we
13:45make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like Campbell Black's in the modern government,
13:51which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
13:54Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
13:57You would always have to rape me a witch.
13:59Milk Snatcher.
14:01I spat out my sherry.
14:05Sorry.
14:09Archie's been writing to me at school.
14:10Archie Bunningham.
14:11Caitlin.
14:12He sent me a mixtape.
14:13It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he wants
14:16to have sex in a caravan.
14:18It's not just Rupert's reputation.
14:20If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
14:22I'm here to make telly.
14:24The Yates programme is your baby.
14:25We sell it somewhere else, Mike.
14:26Will anyone else take it now?
14:28I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
14:31This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
14:36Aye, sir, I'm just rubbish anyway.
14:38Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
14:40I was at that party with Johnny Freedland, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous in his life.
14:45I mean, until now.
14:46So even the tree woman had one thing?
14:48Well, it sounds jolly tough.
14:50Look at you.
14:51You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
14:55OK, I think it should take more than a carinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
14:59Freddie, you're very quiet.
15:02We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
15:04It's not just a profile.
15:06We need his financial stake.
15:09What?
15:10But a good public reputation is crucial for a company.
15:14And Rupert's flushed ours down the car.
15:18I spoke to my father.
15:20What did he say?
15:23Tashi?
15:24What did he say?
15:27Rupert's flushed over the car.
15:29He can cover the bank.
15:30But?
15:31But Rupert's flushed over the bank.
15:36He'll be able to take the bank.
15:37So, Tashi's dad will cover Rupert's stake.
15:41But he needs to know that he's not part of the company anymore.
15:46Fine, Daddy.
15:48Not now, sweetheart.
15:49It is for me.
15:50She says it's urgent.
15:52God.
15:52Just press pause, OK?
15:58I got a tag.
16:00Hello, love.
16:01Matthew Pro has got food with me.
16:03She can't go on tonight.
16:04I'm odd, darling.
16:05I really can't.
16:06I understand.
16:06I'm going on for her.
16:08Do play.
16:10Nora.
16:11I can come.
16:12If you got in the car now, you can make curtain up.
16:14Have you seen the newspapers?
16:17It's Rupert.
16:18He's always in some scrape or other.
16:20I need you.
16:22Please.
16:23Don't worry, love.
16:24You'll be wonderful.
16:25My guys are tearing each other.
16:27If I leave now, the company could crumble.
16:29What?
16:29You're not coming.
16:30It's Venture, love.
16:35But it's not dishonest, is it?
16:37Rupert is just Rupert.
16:39Always has been.
16:39Take it or leave it.
16:40I mean, I personally think people find it refreshing.
16:42The Archbishop doesn't.
16:44Doesn't he have anything better to do?
16:45I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to be to think this is a problem?
16:48How thoughtless and ignorant do you have to be to think it isn't?
16:51I thought you were a bohemian.
16:52Who here doesn't have a past?
16:53Not one that Petey Johnson would be interested in.
16:55Well, I don't imagine she gets down to Glyndebourne now.
16:57I'm sorry.
16:58It's him or me.
16:59Hey, whatever happened to loyalty?
17:00Cameron.
17:01Us against the world?
17:03Are we going to take this?
17:04Let's face it, a direct attack from Tony Battingham.
17:06Are we going to take it lying down?
17:07I'm all for love and forgiveness, but I simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive this.
17:12What about we just take a vote?
17:14Democracy in action.
17:15Fuck democracy!
17:21You know what I mean.
17:23You're going to abstain, Cameron.
17:26You better go while we vote.
17:29Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board, so you should step out as well.
17:34This isn't the venturer I signed up for.
17:41Rupert would swim through shark-infested water for any one of you if this were the other
17:45way around.
17:46Whatever you decide, please, God, have the grace to wait until after the election before
17:50you tell him he's been subjected to another vote.
17:59You okay?
18:00This is such a fucking mess.
18:03Why do you defend him?
18:04Because I love him.
18:07Because he fought for me.
18:09Now is my time to fight for him.
18:15Okay.
18:18How do we do this?
18:36Coffee?
18:38No, thank you.
18:40It's not a question, Sid.
18:43The Times, the Telegraph, today, the Mail, the Mirror, the Scorpion.
18:49You're on the front page of all of us.
18:51Photographers have already set up camp outside, waiting for you to leave.
18:55I'm glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down.
18:57For God's sake, we've got to grow up.
19:03We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy, playing everything for a laugh.
19:09Might have been endearing in a young buck, but in a man nearing 40, I'm afraid it's long
19:15ago, passed over into pathetic.
19:19Right.
19:21Needless to say, Helen's furious.
19:24Needless to say.
19:25Well, she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the marriage, but she had no idea
19:29of the scale of her humiliation.
19:31Thank God you saved her from me.
19:34We both know I didn't take Helen from you.
19:38You'd broken her a long time before I put her back together.
19:43And I'm damned if I'll let you break her again.
19:46Oh, come on, Louise.
19:48Who doesn't have their sexual pachydillas?
19:50I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla, but I'm sure you've used your riding crop on
19:53her a couple of times.
19:55Your daughter was in tears this morning.
19:57Because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS.
20:03You've lost your wife, and you're about to lose your children, because you can't keep
20:09your bloody cock inside your trousers.
20:11Of course, the irony in all that is that I have stopped.
20:19Everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago.
20:23Oh, really?
20:23Sarah Stratton, Natalie Perrault, months ago, and they're the last.
20:34I'm not excusing what's happened, but Beatty let me confide in her at a time when I needed
20:43to, and I had no idea she was recording every word of it to use against me later.
20:47Of course, I told her hundreds of good things about Helen, but they didn't broadcast any of
20:53that, but then when I, I'll get what I deserve.
20:58I'm going to lose my seat tonight.
21:00Yes, most likely.
21:02But you've been dropped from the national team before and bounced back.
21:06You learned then, didn't you?
21:07Pulled yourself together.
21:09Then Timmy died.
21:15I swore if I couldn't look after him, I'd take good care of the young riders on the team.
21:20Keep you close.
21:22Stop you repeating your mistakes again and again.
21:26But of course, it was hopeless.
21:29I used to blame myself.
21:31But the rot in you had set in long before I came on the scene.
21:36Your father gave you the worst possible example.
21:39You can do better for your children.
21:41They love you, the poor little buggers.
21:47For me?
21:49Put these on, and go and cast your vote with dignity.
22:15I hope I can count on your vote, Willis.
22:19I shall be voting for the Liberals.
22:30Oh, Natalie's not on tonight.
22:32Tonight, the Aurora will be paid by Mordo Harman.
22:35Oh, God, it gets worse.
22:37Let's just go for dinner.
22:38Oh, no, no, let's go for a chance.
22:39Now we're here.
22:40We'd only be at home waiting for the results.
22:42Oh, darling.
22:43Oh.
22:58Look, there's Natalie.
23:13I know I shouldn't be here.
23:15I just wanted to talk to you.
23:17It's been a terrible day.
23:20I thought if James was on the telly, he couldn't be here, so...
23:23Oh.
23:25Well, I'm cooking supper for the children.
23:28Of course, I'm sorry.
23:30Is that a potato waffle?
23:31Mm-hmm.
23:32Because, um...
23:34I haven't eaten all day.
23:37We've been arguing about Rupert.
23:39Oh.
23:39Declan's had us put it to a boat.
23:41Oh.
23:42What did you do?
23:43I voted for Rupert to stay.
23:45Oh, good.
23:46Of course, he's behaved awfully,
23:47but I've always felt it's our job as his friends
23:50to stay loyal, to steer him onto the path.
23:53We've all done things.
23:57I knew you was going to say something wise like that.
24:01Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome
24:03so she's ripped out all the Pampers grass just in case.
24:07But Rupert's staying.
24:09Well, Declan's got the casting boat.
24:11I left him to here.
24:12It didn't feel all right.
24:16I'm going to go on.
24:22Where do you stand on fish fingers?
24:25I can't get enough of them.
24:33OK, come on upstairs now for teeth brushing, please.
24:40You better listen to your mum
24:41and all your teeth will fall out.
24:43Oh, no.
24:44I've got no teeth.
24:47Where's your teeth going?
24:48You're finally Mr Jones.
24:51Thank you, Mr Verica.
24:52I'm Sebastian.
24:53Well, I'm Freddie.
24:54Freddie!
24:55OK, upstairs now.
25:00Why are we posh people called Sebastian?
25:02Why not posh people?
25:04You're posher than me.
25:07Oh, dear.
25:08Are you all right?
25:09Yeah.
25:11Have you got a wheelchair?
25:12Well, James treats me like a wheelchair,
25:15something you can fall back on in old age.
25:21Why did you marry him?
25:26Because he asked me.
25:33Why did you marry Valerie?
25:37I loved her.
25:44I should go.
25:55Bye.
25:57Bye.
25:59Bye.
26:06Bye.
26:09Bye.
26:41Good night, Freddy.
26:44Good night, Lucy.
27:05Ta-da!
27:08Blimey.
27:10Look at you.
27:11Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
27:14We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
27:17Proper gentleman.
27:18He looks like a penguin.
27:19Sharon, stop it!
27:24Look what we've done, eh?
27:28Oh, boy.
27:30I'm proud of you.
27:33We've got everything on the list.
27:35Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit, tennis kit, rugby kit, fencing kit, all the kits.
27:41I'm proud of you and all.
27:43There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team all this Sunday.
27:47Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month.
27:49So you're going to have to be brave, Wayne, OK?
27:51No crying like a ninny.
27:53Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
27:57Sharon, come on.
27:59Stop being so lazy and have to get the rest of the bags out of the car, you lump.
28:02Honestly.
28:11Don't know how I'm going to cope.
28:12I'm not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
28:15You sure you want this?
28:18It makes Mum happy.
28:20Can I take this off now?
28:22Yes, sir.
28:23Go on.
28:33Wasn't she wonderful?
28:35A revelation.
28:37I think you may have found your Titania.
28:41Maud?
28:41I couldn't cast Maud O'Hara.
28:43Declan would howl.
28:44Let's go round and see her, shall we?
28:53Congratulations.
28:54Woman of the hour.
28:56Woman of the half hour call.
28:58I mean, this is unexpected.
29:01And nice.
29:03After thinking I didn't have anyone in tonight.
29:05Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
29:07I'm not.
29:07Tony, isn't he awful?
29:10I'm not complaining.
29:11This is extremely nice wine.
29:13We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
29:16Well, not for long.
29:18Tony, tell her.
29:19Ah, yes.
29:21Monica's had an idea.
29:22And I think it's a rather good one.
29:24I would like to offer you a role
29:26in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream,
29:30the leading lady, Titania,
29:32Queen of the Fairies.
29:33I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
29:36That's our flagship project.
29:38Filmed at Carinium with a live audience,
29:40broadcast on the network,
29:41with a subsequent video release
29:43for schools all over the country.
29:45It's going to have quite a reach.
29:46Wow.
29:48God.
29:49I mean, thank you.
29:53I mean, obviously, I'll have to speak with my...
29:55Your husband, yes, of course.
29:57I was going to say my agent.
30:00Hmm?
30:01Oh, Ibsen would be pride.
30:23Ready to go live, studio?
30:26Countdown to hand over to ITN
30:28in five, four, three.
30:35Good evening.
30:36And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
30:39Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit
30:41in Conchester now,
30:44where I am being told,
30:45yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat
30:48for the Conservatives.
30:49I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters,
30:52my constituency staff,
30:53and to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
30:58And, of course, I would like to thank
31:00my daughters, Penelope and Cressida,
31:02to my father, Desmond Stratton, QC,
31:05for his sage advice during this election,
31:07and finally, to my schnauzer,
31:10Salton, for being there.
31:12Good boy, Salton.
31:14Paul Stratton, Paul Stratton,
31:16for the Conservatives.
31:17All I've now turned to Charlton and Boosley,
31:19where Rupert Campbell Blackfeet hangs in the balance
31:21after last night's shocking expose.
31:23Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
31:25Paul Stratton retaining his majority
31:27by more than 15,000.
31:29A decisive win there.
31:31Oh, no, don't go that way.
31:32No, no, no, no.
31:34Uh, I'll just hold it.
31:36Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
31:38Beat it.
31:41Head up, okay?
31:42Act like nothing's wrong
31:43and people will believe it.
31:45Whatever happens,
31:46I just want to say
31:47it has been an honour
31:48to serve with you and...
31:49All right, Jill,
31:50I'm not going out of the top.
31:51Ready?
31:55Ready.
32:13Charlton and Boosley are about to declare.
32:15Stand by for outside broadcast.
32:18And I'm just hearing now
32:19that we can go over to Charlton and Boosley
32:21for the announcement of today's results.
32:22We weren't expecting you back tonight, Tony.
32:24I wouldn't miss this for the world.
32:27And cut to outside broadcast.
32:31As returning officer
32:32for the Charlton and Boosley constituency,
32:34I hereby declare
32:36that the total number of votes
32:37for each candidate was as follows.
32:40Michael Seaborne,
32:41Labour Party candidate,
32:435,342.
32:46David Edwards,
32:48known as Bar Bar,
32:49Woolly Ramsbottom,
32:51Cotswold Looney Party,
32:53283.
32:56Margaret Baldwin,
32:58Liberal Party,
33:0024,292.
33:04Rupert Campbell Black,
33:06Conservative Party.
33:1436,272.
33:16I do hereby declare
33:18that Rupert Campbell Black
33:20is duly elected
33:21Member of Parliament
33:22for Chalford and Boosley.
33:25And he changed the seat
33:27for the Conservative Party.
33:43Thank you, thank you all.
33:45I will do my absolute utmost
33:46to deserve your confidence.
33:49Onward.
33:51Rupert Campbell Black,
33:52re-elected as Member of Parliament
33:54for Chalford and Disney,
33:55this is his girlfriend,
33:56television executive Cameron Cook.
34:00If you're just joining,
34:0288 results have been declared so far.
34:04In the last few moments,
34:06a quick minute of the force
34:07which has happened now
34:08is devised every lot
34:09by this thing.
34:10I don't even think
34:11that's what I'm saying.
34:27They're just to nerves.
34:29He won, didn't he?
34:33How does he do it?
34:35He's still their Olympic hero.
34:37Not to those
34:37who really know him.
34:39He's even got you on side.
34:41Look.
34:42He still needs
34:43a father figure sometimes.
34:44Or maybe you still need a son.
34:48I'm sorry.
34:49I'm sorry.
34:51I sometimes think
34:52that you see Rupert
34:53through rose-tinted glasses
34:54because you miss Timmy.
34:56And it pains me
34:57because I'm pretty sure
34:58that Rupert is no kind
34:59of substitute.
35:00Rupert is a danger
35:01to everyone around him
35:02when he's a loose cannon.
35:03It's a good thing
35:05that he kept his seat.
35:06If Rupert were a woman,
35:08he would be tarred
35:09and feathered
35:10and dragged by his hair
35:11through the streets.
35:12Oh, for God's sake.
35:13He gets a seat
35:13at Parliament.
35:14All I get
35:15is to suffer
35:15by association.
35:16To look and feel stupid
35:18that I was ever married to him,
35:19that I ever had his children.
35:20No matter what I do,
35:22I will always be
35:22the Olympic hero's
35:24embarrassed first wife.
35:30No.
35:38What happened to you
35:39in Kenya?
35:42What?
35:44You never told me
35:45about Kenya.
35:47What happened to you there?
35:49No, no, I didn't.
35:53I didn't want to
35:54because I knew
35:55you'd think differently than me.
35:57Oh, and so you do.
36:00I think you should
36:01sleep in the spare room tonight.
36:06Which one?
36:14Hold a chicken in the air
36:17Stick a dead chair
36:18up your nuts
36:19Buy a jungle jet
36:21Have a berry oil your clothes
36:23But y'all let me bring
36:25Then extract your wisdom teeth
36:27For a spring portent
36:29And pretend your name is me
36:35Still yourself alone
36:37Let you speak around the phone
36:39Climbing silent door
36:41Happy Ragnarissima
36:43Peace and renown
36:44What the song is this?
36:47It's the chicken song.
36:49What?
36:50Spinning image, it's a parody.
36:52Of what?
36:56Okay, come on, let's go home.
36:58What?
36:58I just won
36:59the general bloody election.
37:01Actually, Mrs. Thatcher
37:03just won the general bloody election.
37:06Honey, I need to talk to you
37:07about Venture.
37:08No, no, no.
37:09We're celebrating.
37:10Venture won the election.
37:15I'm going to bed.
37:17Fine, fine, fine.
37:18Oh, I'll come with you.
37:20No, no, no.
37:21Celebrate.
37:23It's your party.
37:25It's your party.
37:26It's your party.
37:27It's your party.
37:29It's your party.
37:30But true.
37:30That's the day.
37:32Oh, no.
37:34Chicken in the air.
37:35Chicken, venture, acrimus.
37:37Fire, jump, oh, jet.
37:39And then bury on your blood.
37:45We'll take that, Dimbleby.
37:47As always, the great British public voted for mummy.
37:50How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
37:52You and me?
37:53Why not?
37:54I'll check under the bed for tape recorders.
37:58OK, then.
37:59Really?
38:00No.
38:03I thought you were wonderful, James.
38:07Ah!
38:09Hey, team.
38:10Who's up for partying?
38:11I could have a quick beverage.
38:15Daisy, going somewhere nice?
38:17Locking with the OB crew at the Codchester Arms.
38:19Cider with the camera boys.
38:20I've got, er, Bolly in my dressing room.
38:23No, thank you.
38:24Well, come on, Daisy.
38:25Why the sad face?
38:26Used to be much more up for partying.
38:27Buckle.
38:29Little Daisy just told me to F off.
38:37Deirdre?
38:38Yes, James.
38:40Call me a cab home.
38:41There's a lot.
38:55Where's he put?
38:56I left him at the party, sticking a deck chair up his nose.
39:02What's wrong now?
39:04Oh, what is it?
39:06Do you want to be married to him or not?
39:09If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house.
39:13You can't talk to me like that.
39:15I just did.
39:22I just did.
39:29The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil mark.
39:33Oh, you're brilliant.
39:35B.T. bloody bumfuck bloody Johnson getting all the glory.
39:40Maybe next year I could ask for a bigger pendulum.
39:42Yes.
39:45Oh, speaking of pendulums.
39:49Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again.
39:52Yes, it is.
39:56Hmm?
40:01Oh, I've brushed my teeth.
40:04Fine.
40:04We'll just have sex.
40:06Okay.
40:09Come on.
40:11Do you know, people really do underestimate me.
40:14I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me, or better yet persuade me to be a
40:19mole.
40:19And be a fantastic double agent.
40:22Oh, I've been a little wider, Lizzie.
40:23I can't get it in.
40:26James the mole verica.
40:28There.
40:29That's the job, Lizzie.
40:30Good girl.
40:30Open up the burrow.
40:31Oh.
40:33I am a mole and I live in a hole.
40:37I am a mole and I live in a hole.
40:40Do, do, do, do.
40:40I am a mole and I live in a...
40:57I am a kite and you are my bollard.
41:05I am a kite and you are my bollard.
41:17Oh, darling, you're home.
41:22Congratulations, you won.
41:24I made you breakfast.
41:25You must be exhausted after all that celebrating.
41:30I'm so sorry about that stupid fight that we had.
41:35It was just my hormones.
41:38It wasn't your fault at all.
41:39But the baby?
41:40Your baby.
41:42I've been so mean to you, Paulie.
41:45I just want us to be a proper little family.
41:49I'm so happy.
41:56You know, some women find that the second trimester is the horniest three months of their life.
42:24Gerald.
42:25I was in bed.
42:28I've come to join you.
42:40I can't believe Rupert actually did it.
42:43He's Superman.
42:44Should I be jealous?
42:45I'd do anything for Rupert, but it's you I'm really in love with.
42:48You and Mrs Thatcher.
42:50Oh, I think my erection just died.
42:53No, no, really.
42:53Just stop talking about Mrs Thatcher.
42:56Sorry, sorry.
42:59You know I want to be an MP, Charles.
43:01And that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love.
43:03And throwing away all your principles to work for a party that's taking away gay men's rights to even be
43:08considered human beings.
43:11I'm going to change things from the inside.
43:18Really?
43:19Why not?
43:22Why not?
43:30You know, Gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife.
43:36Gerald is very drunk.
43:38I mean, what does that even look like?
43:40Put up and shut up?
43:42Well, that's not your start, is it?
43:48You know, I supported you because I don't think what happened to you was fair.
43:53I can't deny anything Beatty said.
43:57So true.
43:58You don't have to.
44:01You are a whole person.
44:05And I love you.
44:08I love you.
44:09I love you.
44:10I love you.
44:13I love you.
44:16I love you.
44:26Thank you for supporting me.
44:49Downing Street, we're just on the phone.
44:51Mrs. Thatcher wants to see you.
45:06I know it's smarts, darling.
45:09Whatever you think about Rupert.
45:10You know, I really couldn't do all this without your support.
45:13All your ideas.
45:15You're my secret weapon.
45:17It cuts both ways, darling.
45:19We're a team.
45:21I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever.
45:24Look at him.
45:25I mean, who does he think he is?
45:27But he's Sir Lancelot.
45:28Sir Fox-a-lot.
45:35You'll stop this feud with Rupert now.
45:38Yes.
45:40Please.
45:42I will.
45:44Stop this feud with Rupert.
45:57How did last night go for your mother?
45:59Did she call?
46:00Mm-mm.
46:00She didn't call.
46:03Egg steady?
46:04No.
46:04I couldn't eat, I didn't.
46:07Mrs. Thatcher's third landslide.
46:10Poor Mr. Kinnick should just give up.
46:12She's going to be Prime Minister forever.
46:14Change is hard.
46:16Scares people, so...
46:17They stick with this data's call.
46:20Well, that's depressing.
46:23It's ready.
46:24You ought to talk to Rupert.
46:26What have you decided?
46:31Surely if you won the election...
46:35I thought you'd want to know there's a press conference about to start at Downing Street.
46:39Let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself then.
46:40It's not Mrs. Thatcher.
46:42It's Rupert.
46:49Thank you, gentlemen, ladies.
46:51I've spoken to Mrs. Thatcher in light of the uncensored programme the night before last
46:56and the coverage that broadcast generated.
46:59I told the Prime Minister that although I won my seat in yesterday's general election,
47:03I do not want the scandal around me to distract from the important work that our government is doing.
47:08It was therefore with deep regret that I tendered and the Prime Minister accepted
47:13my resignation as an MP and a Minister.
47:19There'll be another statement in your course, gentlemen.
47:23Seems you've won after all, my lord.
47:32One down.
47:35Three to go.
47:47All right, tell me.
47:50Do you need me to go?
48:01Your pleasure.
48:04One down.
48:09Love, love will tear it apart.
48:14Again.
48:16Love, love will tear it apart.
48:20Again.
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