Hazell. S02 E06. Hazell and the Big Sleep.

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First broadcast 24th May 1979.  Nicholas Ball - James Hazell Roddy McMillan - 'Choc' Minty Desmond McNamara - Cousin Tel Peter Bourke - Graham Morris Geraldine Gardner - Sheel Richard Durden - Jeremy Ironside Ian Marter - Roper Glyn Jones - Meltzer Blain Fairman - Koch Irene Sutcliffe - Mrs. Lovegood George Tovey - Webb Ken Parry - Lugosi Peter Mayhew - Giant James Fuller - Sam Paul Haley - Dave Dunn John Quarmby - Billy Bush Martyn Whitby - Danny Scaife Charles Pemberton - Tony Rycott Rosalind Wilson - Girl in Ofice Julie La Rousse - Film Producer's PA Mike Reynell - Hotel Guest

Transcript

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00:52Stop it!

00:54Barmates!

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01:25But one night of him snoring like a chainsaw and having nightmares about Adolf Hitler was enough.

01:32Oh, Graham.

01:34Unholy thoughts coursing through my brain.

01:37Oh, you're so... oh, oh, so different.

01:42I think I... I think I... I love you.

01:46I've heard some talcum powder talk in my time, but this hound takes the Oscar.

01:51That does he do it.

01:53He might be a bit of a cracked egg.

01:55But he does pull them. All sorts.

01:57I mean, last week, it was a real Sloan Ranger with a pound-note voice.

02:02Ah! You've still got your socks on!

02:05This one sounds like she's got about as much class as torn wallpaper.

02:10I'd have thought looking at him he had about as much sex appeal as a newt.

02:14But there you go.

02:19Women.

02:20What did you say your name was again?

02:22I... I... I...

02:36I...

02:37I...

02:38I...

02:40I...

02:45who the hell is that Jimbo oh what got that Graham who the hell is me five

03:00million me's in London long time no see a Jimbo Tom Europa seen you since you put

03:11your papers in we was the best pair of thief takers they had a Jimbo what a team

03:15yeah Scotland Yards dynamic duo what day is it Friday you sure you you've been at

03:26the boiled sweets again no I don't use it anymore oh yeah I hope it's not

03:33inconvenient like yeah yeah if you get a whiff of the oda clapham did you you

03:37always wear a one for a touch of the obi joyfuls Jimbo oh no not me Tommy no way

03:42only thing I've got is a stiff neck you you wouldn't happen to know of a nice

03:47little kennel somewhere would you don't wear nice oh let's say sex rooms garden

03:53garage sauna it's a John's word maybe overlooking the part of some score a week

04:01you couldn't rent a pigeon loft in Deptford for that terrific so what can I do for

04:09you Tommy I take it's not social call I got a little job for you my son could be

04:15dead good timing too if you're nesting down here tell me all well I met a

04:19security over at Grey's what a posh hotel lovely little number nice clientele

04:24mostly foreign select you know you mean I don't nick the towels for the past six

04:28weeks somebody's been well tucking us up jewelry cash travelers checks anything

04:32that ain't nailed down well been under the yard I mean I got a special hotel squad

04:36a manager prefers to keep this private discreet if you know what I mean wouldn't

04:40do his reputation any good have the carpets worn out by size 12s so how does all this

04:46involve me well I'd lay odds it's a two-up one outside one in well it's only a

04:50small hotel Tommy I mean small staff 30 odd we must have some idea of it is on the

04:55inside that's just it my son I haven't not a clue and it's given me the dead

04:59needle either I'm being very obtuse or they're being very creative yeah so what

05:05do you want me to do check in straight from Heathrow life I've got a snide yank

05:09passport we can doctor up you'll need some luggage and American gear but I can lay all

05:12that on all right hang on hang on you you want me to pose as a bona fide a guest

05:16on that way no one will suss who you really are

05:21you're checking flash your wallet around play it a bit simple the one inside

05:26marks you the knicker comes in and wallop sounds simple enough it'll work Jimbo

05:30it'll work managers the only one who'll know about the little get up do I get a

05:35room and meals five star plus 25 a day plus an handshake if you crack it and how long

05:46you prepared to give me week maybe two if needs be I'll have some of that my son it

05:53uh it ain't gonna be no doddle you know Jimbo I mean I wouldn't be here if they

06:00were a pair of prats they're cheeky fast and efficient no sugar nothing ever was a

06:05doddle Tommy boy best pair of thief takers I carried you for three years he

06:10couldn't catch measles oh I'll need some working though I I mean the drinks in there

06:16what a ton do you yeah yeah that should do for a start um there's some traveler's

06:20checks all right that's that can all be arranged uh your name will be Robert

06:25Pereira from San Francisco oh and uh what am I antique silver dealer first time

06:31over here can you handle that ah you can call me Bob I've uh I've heard so much

06:37about your beautiful city or the Portobello Road Bloomsbury poacher's dog not

06:45only does he cripple me with drawing pins uses my business address at his

06:49private bass pad but he's gonna nicked all my Java 150 a jar

07:00I've always dreamed about having an opportunity to play Cary Grant or rather

07:04Tony Curtis playing Cary Grant if you see what I mean it don't usually get past the

07:09front door of a gaff like Gray's unless you spell coat M-I-N-K even a receptionist

07:15looks like she's got shares in arids here's me about as genuine as kept

07:19teeth good morning sir yeah good morning my name is Robert Pereira I believe you have a

07:26room book for me sweet yes of course Mr. Pereira if you'd be so can yeah number 39 web if

07:38you please

07:39right there's anything you require please let us know uh-huh I shall need your passport just for the

07:49formality of registration thank you I'll have it sent up to you when I finished thank

07:55you thank you for the web mr. Pereira do hope your stay with us will be a very happy one

08:01I'm sure it will

08:03look through the last two minutes

08:04everything

08:06yeah

08:08yeah

08:11yeah

08:32Oh, my God.

08:42Well, thank you

08:44My pleasure. Oh, you're American. Yeah

08:47West Coast San Francisco. Mmm, beautiful city. I'm from Sydney, Australia

08:53My name's Sheila Cox

08:56She'll to my friends

08:58My name's Robert Pereira. You can call me Bob

09:03Maybe we could have a little welcome to London drink later on Bob

09:08I'm in 16

09:12I'll, uh, look forward to that

09:15Ciao

09:27Oh, you're okay, sir

09:30All due respect, sir, I'd, uh, what's that one if I was you?

09:34I beg your pardon?

09:35Between me, you, and Nelson's column, she's a bit out of order, sir

09:38Uh, out of order?

09:40Oh, you know what I mean, sir. A bit forward

09:42I'm sorry, I, uh, I don't, um

09:45I bet she's flattened a bit of grass in her time, sir

09:51Hey, you're a cockney

09:52Born and bred, sir

09:53Ah

09:54Up the, uh, the apples and pears

09:57Would you Adam and Eve it?

09:58Yes, very good, sir

10:00Yeah, I, uh, I picked that up from some old Alfred Hitchcock movies

10:03Did you now? Oh, I'm very interested, sir

10:11Would that be enough?

10:13Oh, very generous

10:14Thank you, sir

10:15It's, uh, gonna take me a little time to get used to your money

10:17First visit, sir?

10:19Yeah, yeah, I've been so looking forward to it

10:21Well, my name's Webb, sir

10:22Should I be of any assistance, any time, or anything

10:25Just ask me by name, sir

10:27Thank you, Mr. Webb

10:30Oh, uh, and I do mean anything, sir

10:41You're in the wrong game, Hazel

10:43If you can kind of write little Bowbell's Weasel like Smiler Webb

10:47That you're a West Coast Wasp in the smoke for the first time

10:49You should be thinking about getting an agent and joining equity

10:52I mean, what's Michael Caine got that you haven't?

10:56Money

10:59It's all on the bench, folks

11:01It's me, Jim Bowden

11:05Oh, it's you

11:06I watched your arrival, my son

11:08Very impressive

11:09Yeah

11:10Who's the black widow at reception?

11:12Mrs. Lovegood

11:13Yeah, got a smile like a bacon slicer

11:14What, she's been here for years

11:16And the dodgy porter, Webb

11:17He's high on my list

11:19Nah, it's too obvious

11:20What do you mean?

11:21Ah, he's got a mouth like a clown's pocket

11:23Well, here's a breakdown of the staff

11:24We two better steer clear of each other

11:26Yeah, I gotta pick up some merchandise from Kazantel

11:29There's a number on the bottom

11:30A private line straight through to my room if you need me

11:46Excuse me

11:47Yeah?

11:48This is the fourth floor

11:49Mm-hmm

11:52Thank you

11:56Close encounters of the fourth kind

11:59He makes Lurch the butler look like a nun

12:03You're late

12:04If you're gonna be in my picture, you ain't gonna be late

12:06I'm sorry, Miss Legosi

12:07They wouldn't let me on the bus

12:10Come in now, come in now

12:11You better sit on the floor

12:13Oh, well

12:15His mother loves him

12:18I left my home

12:25In San Francisco

12:29Yeah, well, I hope you're gonna leave your vital parts to the nation

12:36Did you enjoy the floor show?

12:38Ha-ha! Comic opera wasn't in it

12:39Sneaking around

12:41What was it?

12:42I said sneaking around

12:44You saucy sod

12:46Yeah, well, you could have coughed or something

12:48Oh, excuse me

12:50Yeah, well, she was so embarrassed

12:51Oh, dear

12:52Smacked my wrist

12:53Modest little thing, was she?

12:55I'd have thought it was a basic courtesy

12:58I don't give a pig's pudding what you think

13:00Now, you and me

13:01Are gonna have a little chat about your extramural activities

13:04Now, if you think you're gonna be in here every night

13:06Giving the Ali shuffle to every stray bit you pull

13:09You are sadly mistaken

13:10Cock!

13:12Jim, Jim?

13:15Any luck, sir?

13:16Not easy

13:17I didn't ask you

13:18If it was easy

13:19Oh, shall I go out and come in again?

13:21Here

13:22What's for the gear?

13:22You look like Apollo 10

13:24Yes

13:24Tall, thin and full of hot air

13:27Oops

13:28The genuine article

13:30Burlington Arcade Specials

13:32Anson

13:33Well, don't tell

13:33Yeah, nice little goods, aren't they?

13:35Whatcha good?

13:36A mate of mine

13:37In a trade

13:38Ode me a favour

13:39What?

13:40Took a bit of convincing

13:41Now, he's let me have him on salary return

13:4348 hours

13:44What are they worth?

13:45Cross your legs

13:47One thousand pounds

13:48Plus or minus a few sobs

13:52Georgian?

13:53You know something about antique silver?

13:55He knows something about everything

13:57This one was made in Dublin

13:591798

13:59Good

13:59How can you tell?

14:01You see these marks?

14:03Are there birds sitting on a rope?

14:05That's the mark of origin

14:07They're different at each assay office

14:08I say

14:09The letters are the initials of the craftsman who made it

14:11And the little b the date

14:12The year of a say

14:141798

14:15The little b

14:16Go on

14:16And that clever

14:17You hear that, Jim?

14:18I mean, you learn something every day, don't you?

14:21You are gonna learn something, my son

14:24If you're gonna leave drawing pins around all over the place

14:27It's gonna be you playing the harp

14:29You savvy?

14:30The plan was a simple one

14:32Flash the guilt and the guilt at as many of the staff as possible

14:35Without appearing too obvious

14:36The word goes out

14:37The knicker comes into my room

14:39Pardon me

14:39Sweet

14:40And there I am, hidden in the wardrobe with me truncheon and cuffs

14:43Clunk click

14:44I'm an hero

14:44Good evening, sir

14:45Yeah, good evening

14:47Uh, you still have my passport?

14:49Yeah, we do, sir

14:49Yeah, I'm in 39, name's Pereira

14:52A charming lady when I checked in this morning

14:54Ah, Mrs. Lovegood

14:55I'm Jeremy Ironside, sir

14:57Yeah

14:57Well, she said you'd have it stand up to my room

15:00Mrs. Lovegood was feeling a bit under the weather, so she left early

15:02Oh, I'm sorry to hear that

15:04Nothing serious

15:05I'm so sorry, sir

15:10I do apologize, sir

15:11That's okay

15:16I say, sir

15:17Do forgive me, but they're rather splendid

15:19Yeah

15:20I bought them in the Burlington Arcade

15:23Exquisite?

15:24Yeah

15:25I'm in antique silver

15:26How fascinating

15:28May I, sir?

15:29Surely

15:37Georgian

15:37Made in Dublin, Ireland

15:39Circa 1798

15:41You're obviously a connoisseur, sir

15:47This was my great-grandfather's

15:50Do you indulge, sir?

15:51Uh, no. No, thank you

15:56So much more gentlemanly than smoking, sir?

16:00No kidding

16:02Would you like me to put them in the safe, sir?

16:04I, uh, don't think that'll be necessary to you

16:07I am in London

16:09Not Chicago

16:11As you wish, sir

16:12Happy hunting, sir

16:13Why, thank you

16:18I bought all three

16:20All Georgian

16:21Oh, it's beautiful

16:22Where are the other two?

16:23In my room

16:24In my room

16:25Oh, I'd love to see them

16:27Later

16:28There you are, madam

16:29Mixed exactly to your instructions

16:31Bless you, sir

16:32Back home, we call it a kangaroo

16:35What's going into it, sir?

16:36You'll end up with a pouch on each eye

16:37Well, keep your shirt over it

16:46Whoa

16:48One of my ex-husbands, Bruce, drank sixteen of these one night at a beach party

16:52We found him four hours later outside the opera house, stark naked, trying to limbo under the front door

16:59Late again, Sam?

17:01No, no, thank you

17:02Oh, come on

17:03No, no, I, uh, I gotta get some sleep

17:06The old jet lag, you know?

17:07Okay, I'll see you home

17:17That this blonde Aussie nymph was after my cherry was about as certain as February flew

17:23She was really hot to trot

17:26Wasn't that I didn't fancy a drop of didgeridooing

17:29But I had other things on me mind

17:33Ah, ah, thanks for the drink, huh?

17:36Oh, I thought you were gonna show me your other two, um, boxes

17:41Ah, tomorrow?

17:43Promise?

17:57You could go blind just thinking about her

18:05Back to work

18:06Back to work

18:16We put the cheese in the trap

18:18And wait for the rat

18:39But what if you don't buy this one?

18:41Yeah, the whole thing must be wrong

18:41For therä note

18:42You could hear about my elliptis

18:42Very little bit

18:45I felt like that

18:48That gives me some clue

18:49Be my mother

18:49Yeah, it's good

18:58I felt that the egg hasurvy

19:00I had that particular entity

19:00Right?

20:42I've only got a minute, Jimbo.

20:43I'm sorry, Sam.

20:44I've got to go down to Brighton.

20:45Dead clean forgot about it.

20:47Hotel security convention.

20:48I mean, I can't give it a blank.

20:49You'll be all right by yourself.

20:51Oh, well, that's a pity, Tom.

20:52Still, if you've got to go...

20:53I'll get back as quick as I can.

20:55Hang on, hang on a minute.

21:00How's it going, then?

21:02Oh, it's on the button.

21:04I've been flashing me loot around, you know, letting them all know I was a naive perk.

21:08Even gave that job's worth where but five a tip until he broke me up.

21:12You, uh, you off your nose bag, Jimbo?

21:15Um, yeah, a bit.

21:17Best coffee in London?

21:19Nothing wrong, is there?

21:20Wrong?

21:21No, no, it's all going down as planned.

21:24No, it was that, uh, Aussie shipwreck, you know, the one with the lamps?

21:27Poured some eel juice cocktail down me last night.

21:29Still trying to break through into my bloodstream.

21:30Well, stay with it, Jimbo.

21:31We'll nail those Dalits.

21:33They don't stand a chance for the old team back together again, eh?

21:35Too right, Tommy.

21:37We'll have them over, eh?

21:38Right.

21:40Oh, uh, it's here.

21:42Tell her.

21:47Sometimes, Hazel, you duck lower than a snake's balls.

21:57Uh, I have a little problem.

22:01Uh, please, sir.

22:09Anything I can do, sir?

22:11Yeah.

22:12Uh, those snuff boxes?

22:14Well, uh, they appear to have been,

22:17how can I put it, mislaid?

22:20Mislaid, sir?

22:21Yeah, I, uh, I put him on the table last night

22:23and I thought that maybe one of the maids or something

22:25had, uh, put him somewhere.

22:27They're missing, sir.

22:29Yeah, I thought that maybe you could have a few, uh,

22:31discreet inquiries with the staff.

22:33I don't want to make a federal case out of this.

22:35No fuss.

22:36Good morning, gentlemen.

22:37I'm sure it's pretty simple.

22:38Meltzer and Koch.

22:39I'll have a wet with your roommate, sir.

22:41That would be, uh, most satisfactory.

22:42Ah, yes.

22:44Here for just one night.

22:45Correct.

22:46Number 43, if you'll be so glad.

22:49Apart from the zip lips and the grave robber eyes,

22:51there's something about those two.

22:55A feeling I just can't scratch.

22:58But, Mr. Lugosi, if you say that,

23:00they're going to sue you again.

23:01Shut up and out of the face and get it out of the tights!

23:03Lugosi, they will.

23:04You know what happened last time.

23:05Get it out of the tights, I said, get it out of the tights.

23:07Are you really on the ground?

23:08Get it out of the tights.

23:09Get it out of the tights.

23:11Get it out of the tights.

23:23Oh, don't do that, sir.

23:24I've got a dodgy pal.

23:26Mr. Lugosi is out, playing golf.

23:28Yes, I know, sir.

23:29He asked me to put his mail in his room.

23:31Excuse me, sir.

23:38Can I help you, sir?

23:40Mr. Meltzer and Mr. Koch.

23:42They're expecting me.

23:43They've just arrived, sir.

23:46Who shall I say?

23:47Mr. Scaife.

23:49Danny Scaife?

23:50Birmingham's after the Black Death.

23:52What's he doing here?

23:53Mr. Scaife is here to see you, sir.

23:56I'll send him up.

23:58Number 43, sir.

24:00Top floor.

24:00I'll get a pull.

24:01I can find it.

24:04I knew there was something iffy about those two.

24:08What's a cannibal from Brum doing with two big apple barons?

24:12I, uh, I hope you're feeling better.

24:16Better, sir?

24:17Yeah.

24:17Yesterday.

24:18They, uh, they told me that you were feeling a little, uh, under the weather.

24:21That you, uh, went home early.

24:23Oh, yes, yes, of course, sir.

24:25I'm feeling much better, sir.

24:28Terrific.

24:33Oh, Mr. Pereira.

24:35What?

24:35Telephone call for you.

24:37Take you to number four.

24:43Yeah.

24:47You lump.

24:48I told you not to ring me there.

24:50What's the problem?

24:51He wants them back.

24:53He wants what?

24:53The snack boxes, dummy.

24:55But you said 48 hours.

24:57I know, but...

24:58I mean, he said he owed you a favour.

24:59Yeah, but it's business, Jim, Jim.

25:00I mean, this ice cream turns up and wants to buy them.

25:03Offered him one and a quarter grand, sight unseen, Nelson Eddy's on the table.

25:07It's, um, inconvenient.

25:08Do what?

25:09Well, they're back at the hotel.

25:11Well, we'd go round and get them.

25:13Well, they're, uh, they're in the safe.

25:14Well, it's got a door on it.

25:15I mean, they ain't lost the key.

25:18It's Saturday.

25:19Oh, do leave off.

25:20What is all this old fanny?

25:22Well, it's, uh, minor complication.

25:25Oh, there's something up.

25:26No.

25:27No, tell.

25:28Yes.

25:28Yes, tell.

25:29I know that bent choir boy look of you on.

25:31Now, what's happened?

25:33I haven't got them.

25:33You ain't what?

25:34I haven't got them.

25:35What?

25:36Watch my lips.

25:38They've been nicked.

25:40You've got a sadistic sense of humour sometimes.

25:43You're not joking, nicked.

25:44From my room at the hotel.

25:45Well, who by?

25:46Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't be here trying to bloody explain, would I?

25:49Explain!

25:49Listen, son, I've got to come across with them boxes, all one and a quarter cash.

25:53It's as simple as that.

25:54Look, I need time, tell.

25:55There ain't no time.

25:56Well, I mean, can't you stall him?

25:57No way.

25:57I'm supposed to be over there now.

25:59Well, at least try.

26:00You're a real caution.

26:02Do you know he's got a couple of handbacks who'd enjoy dancing all over my lungs?

26:0524 hours.

26:06If I haven't got them back, I'll get the money.

26:08Now!

26:08Somehow!

26:09Well, how are you going to hold your hands on that sauce mash?

26:10I don't know.

26:11I'll sell the car!

26:13Yeah.

26:15First off, I'll lose the flat.

26:16And it looks like the motor's next.

26:18Soon I'll have someone down me throat counting me gold fillings.

26:22Tony Rycott.

26:24Godfather of the Mersey mobs.

26:26That's right, ma.

26:26Mr Meltzer left a message for you to grab the moment you arrived.

26:29Room 43, top floor, sir.

26:32All right.

26:34First Danny Scaife, now Tony Rycott.

26:36What is all this?

26:37Anglo-American Goodwill Week.

26:39Don't forget tonight.

26:41Oh, tonight?

26:42Oh, a little drinky.

26:44A little, uh, limbo-limbo.

26:48Well...

26:48See you in the bowl, Bobby.

26:54She is definitely begging for a terrible turking.

27:01I, uh, I wonder if you can assist me.

27:05How, Mr Perdama?

27:06Well, uh, my key doesn't seem to fit the door.

27:09Um, I'm having some difficulty getting the door opened,

27:11so, uh, what I want to do here, I don't do for you.

27:13Excuse me, one more per key.

27:17I'm afraid not, sir.

27:18There is a passkey, but the manager has that.

27:20There's, uh, just one passkey.

27:22Yes, sir.

27:23Now, sir, what can I do for you?

27:25Have you got, uh,

27:26you got a Mr Meltzer and Mr Koch registered here?

27:29I guess so, we do.

27:30Now, how can I keep this?

27:35Excuse me.

27:40Look, Choccy, I know what you're gonna say before you even say it.

27:43You've got just ten seconds to explain, Hazel.

27:45Yeah, but not here.

27:46Seven seconds?

27:47Trust me.

27:48I wouldn't trust you with my old laundry.

27:50Look, I can't explain.

27:51I'm on the top floor, room 39.

27:53Excuse me.

27:54Excuse me.

27:55I'm looking for the fat woman with the boobs

27:56and the ginger moustache.

27:58Have you tried the policewomen's hostel?

28:00The policewomen's hostel.

28:14Shall we start again, Mr Pereira?

28:17Ten seconds.

28:18You remember my old partner, Tommy Roper?

28:20I've been trying hard to forget him.

28:28I ran it down for the old agus as briefly as I could.

28:30Tommy Roper, the hotel thefts,

28:32the snide passport, the accent,

28:34the old pathetic get-up.

28:36Seemed to make as much sense to him as an optician's chart.

28:39Of course, I was careful not to tell him

28:41that I'd been made to look a right onion

28:42and that the silver was missing.

28:44If Choccy knew what had happened the night before,

28:46he'd have killed over laughing.

28:48Now, you can check the facts with Tommy,

28:50but every word is on my mother's minces.

28:52Even you couldn't invent a story as ludicrous as that, Hazel.

28:57Which is number 43?

28:59Across the hall.

28:59Oh, have you noticed anything?

29:03Yeah.

29:04What?

29:05Subject suddenly changed.

29:07The two Americans in there, have you seen them?

29:09When they arrived.

29:10And since?

29:11No, they stayed in their room.

29:13Yeah, well, they're visitors.

29:14Mr Scaife, Mr Reichert, and Mr Cade.

29:17Eddie Cade?

29:18Moss side, Eddie Cade.

29:20They're lining up, Hazel, in and out

29:22like a whore on a hot day.

29:25Yeah, well, I've been meaning to give you a swift bell about that, Choccy.

29:28Oh, you have, eh?

29:29Well, yeah, I mean, but then you turned up,

29:31so I thought, well, naturally, Choccy's on to it.

29:33Oh, he is now.

29:34No thanks to you.

29:36Next time you need a favour, another favour.

29:38Forget it.

29:40Who are they?

29:41The Yanks.

29:42Well, who they are, I know, but what they are,

29:45you are going to find out for me.

29:47Oh, no.

29:48I resigned.

29:49Remember?

29:50Put me funny hat in the bottom drawer.

29:51At this precise moment, you East End Spiv,

29:54that's where you are,

29:55rattling around with a loose change.

29:59Now, I want to know what those two morticians are up to,

30:02and you haven't got too much time.

30:03They're booked in an early flight tomorrow.

30:06No way.

30:07I've got problems of me own.

30:10Oh, I'd hate to inadvertently blow your cover, Hazel.

30:14I mean the wrong word for me downstairs.

30:17No cover, no job, no job, no fee, no fee, no eat.

30:25You do have a delicate way of putting things, Choccy.

30:29Mm-hmm.

30:30Mm-hmm.

30:34I saw Frankie Smith the other day.

30:37I shared a Peter with him in Gartrick.

30:39Sent his regards.

30:40Dave Dunham, Billy Bush.

30:42Now, there's a pair of names.

30:44London's likely lads.

30:45You don't see them too old in hands very often.

30:48He was a very promising light heavy.

30:51What happened?

30:52Oh, well, he couldn't stop himself putting their nut in,

30:54so they took his license away.

30:57They're old acquaintances.

30:59The last time I pulled Billy Bush,

31:00he gave me a Camden kiss that put me in intensive care for three days.

31:07You're a pretty boy without the glasses.

31:09Oh, I was...

31:10Good profile.

31:12You want to be in my next picture?

31:14It's going to be called Confessions of a Degalactic Hooker.

31:18There's this bird,

31:19half a white, half a black, half a green,

31:22with a body like Mae West

31:24and the legs like Betty Gravel

31:26and the face like the angels.

31:28And she meets up with this eight-foot-tall robot

31:31who's almost human.

31:32But that's not you.

31:33She's secretly in love with the hero,

31:36Capitana Leonardo the Flash.

31:37Now, that's you.

31:39Maybe.

31:39Just a maybe.

31:41You're hallucinating, Hazel.

31:43You are hallucinating.

31:45And thanks, Choccy.

31:46This is all I need.

31:50Playing Spider-Man, 60 feet up.

31:53I mean,

31:54I get a nosebleed stepping up a kerb.

32:12And I'll have a large brandy.

32:14Looks very formal.

32:16Business-like.

32:16Maybe they're all applying for American citizenship.

32:20Leave it out, Billy.

32:22I'm telling you, I heard something.

32:30Must have been cats or something.

32:32Shh.

32:38Shh.

32:40Shh.

32:42Shh.

32:57Oh, my God.

33:21Oh, God.

33:49Dave Dunn and Billy Bush together.

33:52You sure, Hazel?

33:54No, not really, Choccy.

33:55I mean, it might have been Big Jim and Dennis Ely.

33:58Don't get sucky.

34:00You crack me up, Choccy.

34:01You really do.

34:02Here am I, 60 feet up, hanging by me teeth,

34:05me bottle going six-pence-shilling-half-a-crowned manhole cover.

34:08You ask me, am I sure?

34:09Last time those two marble-haffered bastards got together,

34:11we had to hire a computer to count the bodies, remember?

34:15Yeah, not many.

34:16I've got a hunch.

34:17Well, don't worry, Choccy.

34:18With a good tailor, it shouldn't show.

34:20This is serious, Hazel.

34:22Here's me trying to defend society

34:23against the insidious assault of crime and corruption,

34:26and you crack ten-year-old jokes.

34:29What were they doing?

34:30I don't know.

34:30They had some papers spread out on a table.

34:32What sort of paper?

34:34How the hell would I know?

34:35I mean, I was outside, remember?

34:36You had about as much use as a one-armed bricklaff.

34:39Oh, charming.

34:40But that is really charming.

34:41Well, bloody nearly got killed up there.

34:43I want to know what was on those papers.

34:46Well, you're going to have to go and ask them.

34:48I'm asking you.

34:49And I'm not listening.

34:51As an ex-police man, a colleague, a friend.

34:54I don't believe I'm hearing this.

34:56Look, they're booking an early flight in the morning.

34:58You are the only one who can get at those papers.

35:01You have got the perfect cover.

35:03You are going to have to go and whistle up your kilt, old friend.

35:08This is important, Hazel.

35:11Yeah, well, why don't you give them a little tug, then, eh?

35:13Anything or something harmless, anything to get a quick shift into the briefcase.

35:17That is not the name of the game.

35:19Oh, I see.

35:20Well, you tell me one thing, then, the old jockstrap.

35:23What is the name of the game?

35:24It's called Search the Briefcase Without Anyone Knowing.

35:27And you're passing Dodo near the dice block.

35:30Precisely.

35:31Yeah.

35:32Well, I'd like to up your job, but...

35:35But...

35:37I'm in real trouble.

35:39I told you about those snuff boxes.

35:41You did?

35:43Yeah.

35:44Well, what I didn't tell you was...

35:48that they'd been nicked.

35:51I fell asleep.

35:59Oh, I knew it.

36:01What do you want to know you'd laugh?

36:04I'm very sorry, Hazel.

36:06The thought of you, the East End kid, asleep.

36:12Yeah.

36:13Yeah, well, it's dropped me right in the pub.

36:16I mean, they're worth about a grand and a quarter.

36:17I've got till tomorrow to find them.

36:19They'll cough up.

36:20Not a lot of time.

36:22No.

36:23Like you say, you can see my predicament, can't you?

36:25I mean, you can see why I can't oblige, can't you?

36:27I couldn't get in there anyway.

36:29Have you seen those doors?

36:30They're about five inches thick.

36:32I couldn't even do a Lloyd job on it.

36:37Yeah.

36:55He's got a jumper.

36:58I can't take theYaNada and get up on it.

38:07It could take me a week to get this open.

38:10A week?

38:11More like a bloody year.

38:27This might turn out to be your lucky night, Hazel.

38:40It's the knicker, after nicking a few more knick-knacks.

38:44Oh!

38:46Don't even breathe unless you want to swallow this .38.

38:49She'll?

38:50Big surprise?

38:51You're not an Aussie.

38:53And you're about as stateside as jellied eels.

38:55Who are you?

38:56I got the gun, I asked the questions.

38:58You can't hide my nose back.

39:00Shut it and start talking.

39:02Who the hell are you?

39:03Hazel.

39:04Well, kiss my rosy red.

39:06You're a woman.

39:07James Hazel.

39:08I'm a PI.

39:09I work for the hotel management.

39:10What are you doing in here?

39:11I'm trying to call her an hotel thief.

39:12Uh-uh.

39:12Don't buy that.

39:13Look, if you let me up, I can prove it.

39:16Okay, but don't get smart.

39:17I can take your ears off with my eyes closed.

39:26Detail, staff, breakdown.

39:28Tommy Roper had a security data for me.

39:31Who are you?

39:32None of your damn business.

39:33Well, I'm making it me damn business.

39:34Oh, really?

39:35Yeah, really.

39:36And why are you still interested in this briefcase?

39:38Got a lot of ass, Hazel.

39:40Got a lot of questions, too.

39:41Well, don't expect any answers.

39:45Who are you?

39:48You want to shoot.

39:49Don't bet the rent on that.

39:51Who are you?

39:55Okay.

39:56I'm FBI Special Agent Betty Schultz.

39:59Yeah, and I'm Carl Kent.

40:00Oh, you better believe it.

40:03FBI?

40:04I got identification in my room.

40:06What?

40:07And these two undertakers?

40:08Meltzer and Kosh.

40:09Well, who are they?

40:10Syndicate.

40:11Mafia?

40:12Mm-hmm.

40:13Thanks, Choccy.

40:14I'm Choccy.

40:15Yeah, evil-arty little Scotch vulture.

40:18Dropped me in it again, right up to the armpits.

40:20I lied to you.

40:21Oh, pity.

40:22No, no.

40:24I am a PI, and I was trying to call her an hotel thief,

40:27but it's all got complicated.

40:28Okay, give it to me up front and fast.

40:30You've heard of Scotland Yard?

40:31Yeah.

40:41Hey!

40:44Leave him!

40:44He's the one I want!

40:49Into your room!

40:50What?

40:50Come on, don't hang around.

40:52Shh!

40:53We've got to get this damn thing open.

40:59How much time have we got?

41:01Oh, I don't know.

41:01They can come back at any time.

41:23Oh, you are a beautiful horse.

41:26Yeah.

41:28Now, let's see what all this screams about.

41:35This is the construction companies.

41:38Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, London...

41:40I've got to photograph these.

41:41What for? Are you sure these two hounds don't work for Wimby's?

41:44Might as well take smudges at Yellow Pages.

41:46Look, you go downstairs. If they come back, let me know.

41:48We've got to get this case back without them knowing.

41:50It's imperative they're completely unaware. They're under surveillance.

41:54Now shift your ass.

42:1243.

42:13Good evening, gentlemen.

42:14Do you wish an early call?

42:167 o'clock.

42:17Breakfast?

42:18Just coffee.

42:20I like my coffee strong.

42:23Strong, sir?

42:24Like I like to taste it.

42:26You don't like our coffee?

42:27I don't know. Haven't been able to taste it yet.

42:30You're not a fire eater, are you, sir?

42:43You're on the way up.

42:44Easy.

42:45You don't have time.

42:46Hang on in there, baby.

42:49Who the hell's that?

42:58Jim, Jim.

42:59You do pick your time.

43:01What are yours going on?

43:02Who's he?

43:03I want to see you, Jimbo.

43:04Who the hell is he, Hazel?

43:05Cousin's hell.

43:05Yeah, but who's she?

43:06Sheila, Shield, Schultz.

43:08Oh, forget it.

43:09Coffee here's like horse sweat.

43:11Probably Cuban.

43:13Have you got the boxes?

43:14Move it, Schultz.

43:15The boxes, Jimbo.

43:16Last one.

43:17Come on.

43:18I've got to have them.

43:18That's it.

43:19Or the Dosh gym.

43:22Hey, what did that klutz mean?

43:24Fire eater.

43:24Oh, he was just being a smart ass.

43:30Hey, did I have the key?

43:33Sure.

43:33What do you mean, sure?

43:35I mean, sure.

43:37The English yo-yo downstairs gave it to you.

43:39Where are they?

43:41He gave it to you, I'm telling.

43:43I think we've blown it.

43:44I've got to get in and out of their room without them seeing me.

43:47No chance.

43:47Are you listening to me, Jimbo?

43:49Oh, shut up, Shorty.

43:50Shorty, you saucy man.

43:51Shut up, Till.

43:52You've got to think of a way of diverting their attention, Hazel.

43:54Just long enough.

43:55Now, look here, both of you.

43:56That's it.

43:56Till, I don't have time to explain.

43:58Just trust me and play it by ear.

43:59Hazel, what are you doing?

44:00You know what's going on.

44:02Right.

44:03Hey, what is all this?

44:05Right.

44:06Your nix.

44:07You what?

44:08Bank the rights.

44:09Don't leave them.

44:10I know you.

44:11Too bloody right you do.

44:13What is all this?

44:14Let me go, you lunatic.

44:16Hey, that's your case.

44:17Hey, that's my case.

44:18That's right, sir.

44:19That's your case, sir.

44:20I nicked him in 39.

44:21He's the hotel thief.

44:21Oh, are you out of your tiny mind?

44:24Hey, hey.

44:25Give me that case.

44:29I never nicked your lousy case.

44:30Give him the case.

44:32Ah.

44:34There you are, sir.

44:36Right.

44:36Will you let me go?

44:37I appreciate I am with him, sir.

44:39He tends to get a bit violent.

44:40You're not American.

44:41No, sir.

44:42Hotel security.

44:43Will you let me bloody go?

44:45Oh, thank goodness you've got him.

44:46Now, where's my gold bracelet?

44:47I think you're all bloody nuts.

44:48That was a wedding present, you nut.

44:49Hold on, this voice.

44:53Judas Priest.

44:54Is he for real?

44:55Oh, no, he's not.

44:56You let me go.

44:57If you two gentlemen can hold him, I'll search for this lady's bracelet.

45:00Yeah, I know.

45:00He's got it on him, the little crate.

45:01You lay one pin on me, you'll be sustaining some dental damage, mate.

45:04We don't want to get involved.

45:06Oh, I'm afraid you are involved, sir.

45:07He's nicked your case.

45:08Yeah, well, they got it back.

45:09He couldn't have off.

45:10Right.

45:11Excuse me.

45:12Excuse me.

45:13What's all this noise?

45:14I'm trying to hold a rehearsal.

45:16I'm trying to hold a rehearsal.

45:18What's all this noise?

45:19What's all this noise?

45:21What's all this noise?

45:21It's all right, Mr. Grazi.

45:22Don't cry.

45:23Don't cry.

45:24Don't cry.

45:25I always cry.

45:27Leave all mine, or you'll get a tattoo in.

45:29Oh, yeah.

45:30Jim.

45:31Jim.

45:35There they go.

45:36The two morticians, back to the Big Apple.

45:39You knew they were mafiosi.

45:41Oh, didn't I mention it?

45:42No, Chuck.

45:43You didn't.

45:44I slipped my mind.

45:45Yeah.

45:47So what was it all about?

45:50Ah, that's good coffee, Hazel.

45:52Well, I want to know.

45:53Do you want this toast?

45:55I need to know.

45:57Come in.

45:58Everybody else is.

46:01Well, here we are, Mr. Minty.

46:05Thank you, my dear.

46:07Okay.

46:07Well, someone, please tell me what this is all about.

46:13Okay.

46:14Are you sitting comfortably?

46:16Mother will now begin.

46:18Once upon a time.

46:20Well, over the past three years, the bad guys, the syndicate,

46:24have been infiltrating Europe.

46:25Italy, France, Belgium, almost everywhere.

46:27They move in through their legitimate business side.

46:30Now, us, the good guys,

46:33received information six months ago

46:34that they were planning to move into the UK construction business,

46:37and we've watched them ever since.

46:39They always make an approach to the criminal element

46:41in any area they intend to go into.

46:43Have an arrangement with them,

46:45then they use them to put pressure on the companies who are reluctant to sell.

46:49What?

46:50You mean their money and our muscles?

46:52Yeah, that's about it.

46:54The more we know who's involved, the more chance we have of stopping it.

46:58We have things to discuss.

47:00Oh.

47:01Official things.

47:01Oh, sure.

47:03In private.

47:04Well, we can go to my room.

47:11Thanks, Hazel.

47:12I appreciate your help, Hazel.

47:14You did a good job, Hazel.

47:16I enjoyed your breakfast, Hazel.

47:18Well, Chocky, you really are a soulless bastard.

47:21Yeah, we English policemen are wonderful.

47:25Hmm.

47:26Hmm.

47:39Good morning, sir.

47:41This is your early morning call.

47:42I haven't been to sleep yet.

48:02Hey, where are you going?

48:04Well, after last night, my cover's got about as many holes in it as a punk's wardrobe.

48:08I like your Mr. Minty.

48:10He's not my Mr. Minty.

48:12Oh, he's cute.

48:13He's about as cute as boils.

48:16He gave me something for you.

48:18What was that?

48:18A tip for yesterday's races?

48:19Come here and close your eyes.

48:21What for?

48:21Come here.

48:23Close your eyes.

48:24Oh, and hold your hands out.

48:28Does it bite?

48:32Chocky.

48:33Oh, you lovely little chockstrap.

48:36But...

48:36Oh, you had men watching the hotel in case Melcher and Karls came on heavy.

48:40And then they collared the hotel thief running out of the kitchen.

48:43Oh, ha, ha.

48:46We're heroes.

48:48Jimbo.

48:50Nearly everything's been recovered.

48:52Yeah.

48:53Well, everything turned out all right in the end, eh?

48:56That chinless hair been iron-sized down the local factory being charged.

48:59Never did fancy that one, you know?

49:01A little bit too much of the old, er, is everything all right, sir?

49:04I meant to mention that before I left.

49:06It's the old team instinct, Tommy.

49:07I thought you were a bit sassy about Jeremy.

49:09You did?

49:10Sure.

49:11Yeah, well, er, once you got it, son, it never leaves you.

49:13Sort of sixth sense.

49:18Yeah, well, er, job's over.

49:20I'll send you the bill, eh?

49:21Yeah.

49:22Oh, by the way, the manager says you can stay on here as our guest.

49:24Till you find yourself a place.

49:27Yeah?

49:28Oh, will it...?

49:31Cousin Till.

49:32Oh, my God, they'll be dancing on his lungs.

49:40Talk amongst yourselves.

49:47That's why the lady...

49:49That's why the lady...

49:51That is why the lady is a friend...

49:55Hazel!

49:55Door is open.

49:57Hazel, tonight's the night, baby.

49:59I brought my credentials for you to check.

50:01Limpa, limpa.

50:07Oh, Hazel.

50:12Walk out where the ceiling fell.

50:18Walk out where the ceiling fell.

50:19Bad one morning

50:20Walk out where the ceiling fell.

50:25You learned everything you know.

50:27It's six days

50:28On the seventh day

50:30you knew it very well.

50:34Trusted, pretty women

50:36A pretty woman

50:37And you're tied and bound

50:40You trusted in the bottle

50:43But in the end that bottle got you down

50:48You've tried everything that's going

50:51But leave it all to faith this time around

50:56You've been down so long it looks like a

51:02Ain't that a shame

51:04Down so long it looks like a

51:09Ain't that a shame

51:11You know your love might change tomorrow

51:14And then again it might stay just about the same

51:34But then again it might stay just about the same

51:38Cause going to go over there

51:40Yeah yeah

51:41Day

51:42Bye

51:43Bye

51:45Bye

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