- 5 hours ago
First broadcast 17th May 1979.
Hazell is hired by a gorgeous woman after her shop is vandalised and gets mixed up with bird smuggling and a illegal marriage scam.
Nicholas Ball - James Hazell
Roddy McMillan - 'Choc' Minty
Desmond McNamara - Cousin Tel
Peter Bourke - Graham Morris
Carolyn Seymour - Caroline Bancroft
Michael Angelis - Scouse Benny
Aubrey Woods - High Street Ken
Gyearbuor Asante - Anderson (as Christopher Asante)
Jane Bertish - Patti
Greg Hicks - Jonty
Maggie Henderson - W. Det. Insp. Palmer
Walter Henry - Undercover Policeman at London Zoo
Hazell is hired by a gorgeous woman after her shop is vandalised and gets mixed up with bird smuggling and a illegal marriage scam.
Nicholas Ball - James Hazell
Roddy McMillan - 'Choc' Minty
Desmond McNamara - Cousin Tel
Peter Bourke - Graham Morris
Carolyn Seymour - Caroline Bancroft
Michael Angelis - Scouse Benny
Aubrey Woods - High Street Ken
Gyearbuor Asante - Anderson (as Christopher Asante)
Jane Bertish - Patti
Greg Hicks - Jonty
Maggie Henderson - W. Det. Insp. Palmer
Walter Henry - Undercover Policeman at London Zoo
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
01:17I wouldn't say I was out of condition, but I've been lapped three times by her already.
01:30Can I help you?
01:32Maybe you can.
01:35Well, my name's James Hazel.
01:38I live here.
01:39Oh, I'm looking for Graham Morris, actually.
01:42Oh.
01:44Well, maybe you'd better come in, then.
02:10Well, how long have you been a jogger?
02:12Oh, about 17 and a half minutes.
02:15I'll try and dig him out for you.
02:16Though sometimes I go for days without seeing him.
02:19Graham?
02:20What?
02:22Young lady here to see you.
02:23Tell him it's Caroline.
02:25Yes, Caroline.
02:26Be out with a tick.
02:27Be out with a tick if I know him.
02:30Oh, you're in the insect world as well, don't you?
02:32Oh, just for today.
02:34I've been helping Graham with his illustrations.
02:36I thought you weren't coming till this afternoon.
02:38Oh, Graham, it is this afternoon.
02:41I haven't finished with him yet.
02:42I need him for another couple of hours at least.
02:44Oh.
02:58You can't rush this sort of thing, you know.
03:01Aren't you going to introduce us, eh?
03:04No.
03:05I don't think he is.
03:07Caroline Bancroft, James Hazel.
03:10Hi.
03:11Hi.
03:12What are these?
03:15Nymphalis antiopae.
03:16Camberwell beauties to you, Mr Hazel.
03:18I believe you.
03:19Here.
03:20I don't want to alarm you, but they're dead.
03:23Look, do you mind?
03:25Oh, come on, Graham.
03:26Get on with it.
03:27I'll leave you to it, then.
03:28I can't sell them in the round here now, can I?
03:30Well, obviously it's going to be easier for me if you like.
03:34Oh, I give up.
03:36He even has the nerve to throw me out.
03:39I know how you feel.
03:40You mean he does that to you?
03:42No.
03:42No, I mean I've just been evicted from me flat.
03:44Oh, how sad.
03:46Yeah.
03:47Landlord came out of the nick, wanted it back again.
03:50Well, if I hear of anything, I'll let you know.
03:54You and Graham are old friends, are you?
03:55A university.
03:56We read zoology together.
03:58Oh, yeah.
03:59I like animals.
04:01Ourses and dogs, mainly.
04:02Oh.
04:03A bit of a gambler, are we?
04:05I come from a long line of policemen.
04:07Oh, yes.
04:08Graham told me you did inquiry work.
04:10That's right.
04:11Does that mean that you get ladies coming to you in distress?
04:15Yeah, sometimes.
04:18Why, are you?
04:19No.
04:20But you never know, do you?
04:25What's with the Camberwell beauties?
04:27Are you some sort of collector?
04:28Oh, you could say that.
04:30I have my own business.
04:35Bespoke pits.
04:37I'm impressed.
04:39Lion cups for pop stars.
04:41No, not quite.
04:42I specialize in taxidermy.
04:44And any jokes about mounting and stuffing.
04:49Well, I must say, you don't seem to be very busy, do you?
04:52Oh, you'd be surprised.
04:54Why do you think I'm wearing a tracksuit?
04:56Because you'll run off your feet.
04:58Boom, boom.
05:01Might I suggest something?
05:04Anytime.
05:06Well, I'm obviously wasting my time waiting for Spiderman in there.
05:10So how would it be if you brought the butterflies round to my place when he's finished with them?
05:15It's just off the Fulham Road.
05:17Well, I was supposed to be looking for a new pied-a-ter this afternoon.
05:20Oh, I'd make it worth your while.
05:26By which I mean, I'll cook you supper.
05:32Shall I come as I am?
05:35After seven.
05:40Now, listen, Jim, straight up.
05:41If you're a bit short, mate, go on.
05:43Put it away, son.
05:44Better get from the doctor.
05:45On the head, you start flashing that around here.
05:47You want to reverse it, and quickly.
05:49Well, I plan to, Jim, don't I?
05:50I plan to.
05:51I've got a hundred schemes up here.
05:54A-rabs.
05:56Skateboards for A-rabs.
05:58They'll go well in the desert, won't they?
05:59Now, listen, the geezer I met near the other night is going to fix me up with all sorts of
06:03contacts out east.
06:04What?
06:05Late in the way.
06:06Jim, Jim.
06:07Sorry, Tom, let me go.
06:08You could do worse to invest your money in something like that.
06:15What's that?
06:16Someone's been sticking dirty great pins for us.
06:18Don't scoff, son.
06:20I'm reliably informed people pay good money for that sort of thing.
06:22Well, I can't see it, Jim.
06:23I can't see it.
06:24Oh, it's dubious, isn't it?
06:25Here, it's the geezer I was telling you about.
06:27High Street, Ken.
06:33High Street!
06:35Say hello to cousin Jim.
06:37Hello to cousin Jim.
06:40High Street, Ken.
06:41Where's North and South again?
06:43Out of town temporarily.
06:45Oh, ask a silly question.
06:47You know, I've been hearing a great deal about you from your cousin, Tell.
06:50Tell me how was cows.
06:53Thankfully, sorry I couldn't make him myself this year.
06:57Would offer you gentlemen a drink, but I inadvertently appear to have left my purse in the scum.
07:02Oh, this one, Jim.
07:04You know, he's so tight, he can peel an orange in his pocket.
07:07All right, High Street.
07:07What is it?
07:08Usual pink one?
07:09Yeah.
07:10Thank you very much, small hot stuffer.
07:14Here, I've been telling Jim how you're going to get me in the Arab market, High Street.
07:18Yes, that's true.
07:19Now, by the way, Tell, manage to wangle us a couple of invites to an Iraqi trade reception tomorrow.
07:25Spot on.
07:26Hey, Jim.
07:26What did I tell you, eh?
07:27It's what comes to being an old desert rat.
07:30Oh, yeah?
07:30Lawrence of Belgrade here?
07:32No, no, he's got a distinguished war record, hasn't he?
07:34I mean, Tobruk, El Alamo, the lot.
07:36This man was there.
07:38Whose side was he on?
07:39Now, leave it out, Jim.
07:41High Street, tell Jim how many Germans you're accounting for.
07:43Go on, go on.
07:45I think you must be thinking of someone else.
07:48Well, I mean, well, what about seeing what that squad of Africa call you were telling me
07:53about the other night?
07:54We were sitting over there.
07:56Did I?
07:56Yeah.
07:58No, I'm afraid I never killed anybody.
08:00I was an intelligence.
08:02I never even saw an angry cat.
08:04Must have caught me in my cup still.
08:06First day.
08:07Hello, what have we here?
08:09These yours, cousin Jim?
08:11Campbellwell beauties.
08:13So they are.
08:14And very pretty, too.
08:16Quite rare, if I remember rightly.
08:18He's trying to get me invested in this rubbish.
08:20You could do worse, you know, tell.
08:22Your Arab is very interested in anything like that.
08:25Yeah.
08:27Anyway, Jim, what are you going to do with him?
08:31I'm just looking after him.
08:33For a friend.
08:35Use a zoology, right?
08:37Oh, yeah.
08:38A bit special, is she?
08:41You know what they say about brainy women?
08:44No.
08:45What do they say about brainy women?
08:46Well, they spend all their time thinking about it instead of doing it.
08:49Yeah, well, that's your theory.
08:52I think about it.
08:53I thought we were going flat, aren't they?
08:55I even bought the paper.
08:56Tonight, Josephine?
08:57Jim, the only thing this bird will show is her animals.
09:01Well, I've got a feeling she's going to make me an otter I can't refuse.
09:05See you, I street.
09:06Good hunting.
09:14Well, here I am, in distress.
09:22I'm the king of the jungle.
09:24Okay.
09:26Very witty.
09:28You obviously get a better class of vandal around here.
09:32You call the police?
09:34No.
09:36Why not?
09:38Because, Mr. Hazel,
09:40you are going to help me find the bastard who did this.
09:43Oh, I am, am I?
09:45I hope so.
09:47Come upstairs and I'll tell you about it.
09:51Oh, er, what should I do with the butterflies?
09:53Oh, just dump them.
10:04Do you want a drink or something?
10:06I've got some tequila.
10:07I could fix a margarita.
10:09Er, pass.
10:10Well, why don't you sit down?
10:17Here, Kate.
10:21A couple of days ago, I had a phone call from a guy I used to know.
10:25He got wind of what I was doing.
10:27And he suggested that I should close the business down.
10:30And if I didn't, he'd make sure it was closed down for me.
10:34I see.
10:36But, of course, I didn't take it seriously.
10:38Pity.
10:40Who is he?
10:42A crepe named Benny.
10:44I live a Padlian.
10:46I did a spell working for him as a courier.
10:48Introducing tourists to him.
10:50Oh, I don't mean being on the game.
10:52I mean people with money.
10:54So he could make deals.
10:56Exporting antiques, anything.
10:58Sounds like you ought to meet my cousin, Tel.
11:01All right, well, assuming it is him who's just turned over to shop,
11:03why do you think he's threatening you?
11:05Well, I reckon he's operating in the same area.
11:08And he's determined to stay king of the jungle.
11:10Oh, yeah, I guess so.
11:13Well, it's a hell of a competitive market.
11:15I mean, I know people who are making 30,000, 40,000 a year.
11:20Anyway, I have no intention of being intimidated by this jerk.
11:25Which is why I want you to find him for me, Mr. Hazel.
11:30James.
11:32I still think the police are your best bet.
11:34Oh, and what do I say to them?
11:36Look, officer, I'm being threatened.
11:38I've got a vague idea who it might be, but I don't know where he lives.
11:41I don't know how to get hold of him.
11:42I take your point.
11:43Okay, Caroline, look, I know this sort of geezer.
11:45Now, it's odds on he's going to phone you again.
11:47Make sure he got the message.
11:48When he does, you tell him that you want to talk to him.
11:51Arrange and meet.
11:52What good would that do?
11:54Because I'll meet him instead.
11:56I'll warn him that if he tries it on again, he'll have the old bill to deal with.
11:59That way you get me as a witness if anything happens.
12:01You mean you'll put the frighteners on him?
12:02As we say in the trade.
12:05Now, look, why don't I help you, uh, clear up the shop and then, uh, take you out for something
12:09to eat.
12:10Well, that's very sweet of you.
12:12But not tonight.
12:14Oh, I know it was supposed to be my den, but...
12:17Oh, shit, I'm so bloody choked.
12:20I've put so much into this place.
12:32As expected, friend Benny had been quick to get in touch with Caroline.
12:36He seemed amenable to the idea of a meeting.
12:39In view of the circumstances, his choice of rendezvous was highly appropriate.
12:42The Lion's Corner House.
13:00Right time, right place.
13:02Oh, dear, oh, dear.
13:04Definitely not the right face.
13:14Mind you, he might not look like the Benny Caroline described, but I don't look much like Caroline either.
13:36Hey, man, you haven't by any chance seen a dark-haired, sort of blonde, good-looking chick around here?
13:41No, mate.
13:42I wish I had, though.
13:44That's cool, man.
13:45Yeah, man.
14:04I wish I had, though.
14:25I wish I had, though.
14:50OK, then.
14:52Take me to your leader.
15:16Well, all right, Anderson, lad. Where is she?
15:19Well, she didn't show up, boss.
15:22Call me Buona.
15:24Hey, this guy was at the zoo.
15:27Man, this is not fair.
15:28All right, Anderson, lad. All right, listen, I like it.
15:31You're going to stop them bastards robbing the shop.
15:36Can I have a word?
15:38What can I do for you, pal?
15:39The name's Hazel.
15:40Hazel what?
15:44You must be Scouse Benny.
15:45You must be Scouse Benny.
15:46You must be clairvoyant.
15:47What's your interest in bespoke pets?
15:49Never met the fella.
15:50Don't hang around with Riggs.
15:52I refer to Arabs myself.
15:53Know what I mean?
15:55It's a shop.
15:55Stuffed animals.
15:56Do they interest you?
15:57Yeah.
15:58Have a turkey happy Christmas.
16:00This must be the Liverpool humour we hear so much about.
16:03I'll start again.
16:04The name's Hazel.
16:05I'm a private investigator.
16:06I've got a client whose shop was turned over.
16:09Oh, dear.
16:10Dear, dear.
16:15So?
16:16So, she thinks you did it.
16:18Oh, not me, Blue.
16:20This is the only turnover I'm interested in.
16:22Money.
16:24What about the Louisville lip there?
16:26What, Anderson?
16:28Well, he's over 18.
16:29He'll do what he likes in his spare time.
16:31And that includes smashing up Caroline Bancroft's shop.
16:35Look.
16:36Hazel.
16:38I'll be, er...
16:41Frank with you.
16:43Because I think you, like me, have got a...
16:48yen for the truth.
16:52I don't know what you're talking about.
16:54All right, Benny boy.
16:56But I've got both your faces imprinted on my memory.
16:58And if anything else happens to my client,
17:00I know someone's going to be in serious ruble.
17:03Get me?
17:04This must be the cockney humour we hear so little about.
17:07I'll walk you to the door.
17:12Oh, what do you think of the place?
17:14Very nice when it's finished.
17:16Do you know, I could quite get to dislike you.
17:18Let me introduce you properly.
17:20This is Anderson.
17:21Used to work for the gas board.
17:22But now he's my main man.
17:24Say goodnight, Hazel.
17:27Goodnight, Hazel.
17:28Before you go,
17:30a little quotation for you.
17:50Now, here's a little quotation for you.
17:52Stealing cars can land him in the nick.
17:56James Ace.
17:56Let's go.
18:33Oh, what a surprise.
18:35What are you doing here?
18:38I'm working for you, remember?
18:41Oh, so you are.
18:43I've got some friends upstairs, but I can soon get rid of them.
18:46Come on up.
18:49Oh, you're a bit late for food, but I could rustle you up an omelet or something.
18:52Oh, you've got a few scrambled eggs left over, haven't you?
18:55Oh, bad taste, James.
18:57Sorry.
19:06Matthew, James Hazel.
19:10No, no. You have it.
19:12John T, James Hazel.
19:18You never told us about this one, Carol.
19:21He's beautiful.
19:22Say, just keep your eyes off the lady.
19:24You're talking to me, you're chewing a brick.
19:26Now, come on, let's keep the peace, folks.
19:30All right, I'll sit down.
19:34And, uh, what's your role in the cosmos, James?
19:39Astronaut.
19:40Find a sense of humor.
19:41Hey, the music sounds really different like this.
19:45Go on, James, honey.
19:47Turn upside down and turn on.
19:49Tell me, Patsy.
19:50Yes, James, have a go.
19:53I'll tell you what, Caroline.
19:55I'll have a go down to the pub for half an hour and then I'll come back.
19:57Don't let her stop you.
19:58Oh, don't do that, James.
20:00Patty and John T were just leaving anyway.
20:02What? I haven't had my marshmallows yet.
20:04Oh, take them with you.
20:08Come on, Green Lantern.
20:10These two want to be alone.
20:13Thanks, Patty.
20:14I'll talk to you tomorrow.
20:15Right.
20:18Nice meeting you, James.
20:20Hope to see you again sometime.
20:23Y'all have fun now.
20:29Well, well.
20:30People you meet when you haven't got your gun.
20:33You don't have to be quite so rude.
20:35I must say,
20:36they seem to have taken an instant dislike to my friends.
20:39Yeah.
20:40Well, it saves time.
20:43Who are they?
20:44I told you.
20:45Just a couple of friends.
20:46They're visiting for a few days.
20:48Oh, yeah.
20:48Where from?
20:49Miles?
20:50The Highlands, if you must know.
20:52The Highlands.
20:53Very appropriate.
20:54Got a lot of grass up there, don't they?
20:56As a matter of fact, they do.
20:58They've got a farm up there.
21:00What's the matter with you anyway?
21:02Do you always behave so badly in the company of young people?
21:09So,
21:10are you going to tell me about your visit to the zoo?
21:12Yeah, well,
21:14Scouts Benny didn't actually put in an appearance.
21:16He sent his messenger boy.
21:17Same geezer did the shop, probably.
21:19I, uh,
21:20tailed him back to Benny.
21:21And where is he?
21:22He runs this nasty little tourist trap.
21:24You know, the sort of thing,
21:24get our friends from overseas to hand over their hard-earned holiday money.
21:27He shrinks their pounds for them.
21:29I had a word with him.
21:30I think he got the point.
21:32And how was he when you turned up instead of me?
21:35Surprised?
21:35Yeah, he tried to hide it.
21:36Bluff his way through.
21:37Didn't make a very good job of it.
21:39Has he called again since this afternoon?
21:41No.
21:42Right.
21:43Must have done the trick then.
21:45So, I reckon that's, uh,
21:4725 quid, Jeremy.
21:48Plus, uh,
21:49a couple of quid for petrol.
21:51150 to get into the zoo.
21:53That's what,
21:5428.50.
21:54Let's call it around 30, eh?
21:57Here's 100 up front.
22:00What's this for?
22:02Additional insurance.
22:04I want you to follow Benny for me for a few days.
22:07Find out if he's up to anything illegal.
22:10If he is,
22:10then it gives me something to nail him with.
22:13Right?
22:14You've been doing some thinking about this, haven't you?
22:16Are you, uh,
22:17sure you're not overreacting a little?
22:19I know what I want doing.
22:21And if you're not prepared to do it,
22:23then I'll find somebody who is.
22:26It's work I'm offering you, for God's sake.
22:29That's right.
22:31Go for the wallet.
22:34So,
22:36will you be making a start first thing in the morning?
22:39Yeah.
22:40I suppose so.
22:42After breakfast?
22:47How nice.
22:50Bed for the night.
23:00Look what we've got here.
23:02Another Campbellwell beauty.
23:20For a minute there,
23:21it was the same old Sunday morning feeling.
23:24How could I have slept with that?
23:39Oh,
23:39there's no need to go to all that trouble for me.
23:41A piece of toast would have done.
23:42I've got some live specimens coming in today.
23:45I thought I'd get their lunch ready.
23:47I thought you only handled stiffs.
23:49If you'll pardon the expression.
23:52You're, um,
23:54not in a rush,
23:55are you?
23:59I must say,
24:01you are beginning to earn your hundred pounds.
24:04I'm not expecting any change, are you?
24:22P.M.
24:24Parking meter.
24:27Nine-seven to you.
24:32Perhaps he's having a line.
24:36What's this gal's geyser up here, Jim?
24:39I don't know, Tom.
24:41It all boils down to the same thing.
24:43How to get a hold of foreign money.
24:45Doesn't matter if you're flogging them dead butterflies
24:47or robbing them blind in a rat hole like that.
24:50What's wrong with that?
24:52Oh, yeah.
24:53Sorry, Tom.
24:53I keep forgetting you're trying to break into that.
24:55The way I see it, Jim,
24:57it serves them right.
24:59Right?
24:59I mean,
25:00that Arab door I went to,
25:01right with High Street Kent,
25:02there they were,
25:02standing around,
25:03flashing their brand new
25:04Olive Street homesteads.
25:06Miss give and take, innit?
25:08You've never been able to understand
25:09the world of business.
25:11Have you?
25:12It's held your back, son.
25:14Well, I'm here to introduce you to Benny.
25:16Now, from what I gather,
25:17he was conning Arabs
25:18while he was flogging giant balloons
25:19up Oxford Street.
25:21Sounds like my sort of person.
25:26Oh, what now, Jim?
25:28Down a mitre for a bit of lunch?
25:31Mitre as well.
25:35Eh?
25:41I'm just wondering, Tom.
25:45If you're looking for an Arab
25:46in London,
25:47where's the most likely place?
25:50Somewhere where you're bound to meet him.
25:52Six letters begins with M.
25:58Mayfair.
26:00That's got seven minutes, Tom.
26:08Give up?
26:10Yeah.
26:12Mosque.
26:14Mosque.
26:15It's only got four letters.
26:17Oh, madam,
26:18why don't you go down
26:18to the place you've been found, darling?
26:20You've got a great trip.
26:48Oh, you're welcome.
27:51I'll take the murk.
27:52No, hold on.
27:52Have I got to write it down for you?
27:54Chef.
28:15Come on, you bloody...
28:23Some afternoon we're back, Jim, I tell you.
28:25Yeah, me too.
28:26It's been most of it chasing Fatima around Marks and Sparks
28:29while she stopped up with cashmere sweaters.
28:30Yeah.
28:30Did you get anywhere?
28:31Yeah.
28:32Yeah, I got to Nicebridge, Bond Street, Piccadilly.
28:35You?
28:36Well, I follows Benny in the lobby of the hotel, right?
28:39And he goes straight up to this rich-looking sheep
28:41who's swanning around looking like he owns the place.
28:43Which he might well do, come to think of it.
28:45Anyway, Benny's bowing and scraping in front of this Flash Harry,
28:49hasn't he?
28:49Or, mate, that Flash Alley.
28:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:54All right, never mind.
28:55Anyway, I move's in close, don't I?
28:57And guess what?
28:58They're rabbiting away in Arabic.
29:00Would you credit you?
29:01A scouser talking Arabic?
29:03I mean, you know, they don't even talk English out there.
29:06Anyway, when I hear this, right,
29:07I decides to give Ice Street a bell, which I do.
29:10Well, by the time I had received Tell's called Warren's,
29:14it was already past 1,300 hours
29:16and the enemy was ensconced at a table in the restaurant
29:18eating a hearty luncheon.
29:19So, your cousin Tell and I managed to insinuate ourselves
29:23onto an adjacent table just on his right flank.
29:25We was here wigging a tree, Jim.
29:27I mean, Ice Street even took notes on his napkin, didn't you?
29:29I see.
29:30Well, the first thing they talked about
29:31was a little general chit-chat about food
29:33and then after that, the Arab decided
29:35that he was not interested in the social small talk
29:37and they got onto what I imagine was the crux of meeting.
29:42Which was?
29:44Well, apparently, your friend Scouse Benny
29:46had failed to deliver two birds
29:49to this arrow, as agreed.
29:52Birds?
29:53Birds.
29:55A table.
30:00What?
30:02You mean birds?
30:05Birds.
30:07In this case, they were hunting birds.
30:09They were falcons of some sort.
30:12And your friend Scouse Benny's companion was most upset.
30:16I'm sure he'd set his little heart on them.
30:18You see, even in the most contemporary of shits,
30:20there is a strong streak of medieval warlord
30:23and these birds, when trained, present a very powerful symbol.
30:26I mean, they're swift, they're graceful
30:29and they are possessed of an absolutely deadly killer instinct
30:32and an Arab will pay the earth for them,
30:35especially now they're becoming so rare.
30:38What about this geezer, eh, Jim?
30:40Benny?
30:40Terremic!
30:41Hey!
30:42What did Benny say to all this?
30:44He promised to try and get hold of them
30:46and the Arab insinuated that it would be the worst for him
30:49if he didn't.
30:50Then he rose and left,
30:51Benny paid their bill and he left,
30:53I paid our bill and we left.
30:55No, no, no, no, no.
30:56I paid the bill and you left, eh?
30:58Remember?
30:59Here it is.
31:04What's this for?
31:06Tiffin.
31:0825 quid?
31:09Yeah, well, we didn't want to look conspicuous
31:12and not eat, do we, Jim?
31:14Chateaubriand.
31:15And delicious it was too, Jim.
31:18Your health.
31:19You're a scholar and a gentleman.
31:21Oh, Jim.
31:24I decided that a visit to the library was long overdue.
31:27A quick flick through Oldsbury's statutes of England
31:29told me all I needed to know.
31:36This better be worth my time, Hazel.
31:39Do you know the Endangered Species Act, 1976?
31:42Like the back of my hand.
31:44Good.
31:45If anyone surprised you to learn
31:46that there are certain British birds
31:47that are protected by law.
31:49Of course I know that.
31:51You're looking at a keen ornithologist.
31:53I spent a good part of my youth
31:54striding the heather with a pair of binoculars
31:56in my hand,
31:57searching for the caperkele.
31:59And when you found it,
32:00you married it.
32:01I know.
32:21Evening.
32:22Where is she?
32:25She had to go out for a while.
32:27So we're looking after the place.
32:28What happened to the front door?
32:29You forget your key?
32:31What's it got to do with you?
32:32You could really get on my tits, you know that.
32:34What's with all the questions?
32:37Well, I'll tell you.
32:39Bird smuggling.
32:41Oh, I see.
32:41You must be the law or something.
32:43As far as you're concerned.
32:44I am.
32:45That means he isn't.
32:46It's okay.
32:48Now, the way I see it,
32:49you've been nabbing these poor little buggers
32:51from Scotland
32:51and flogging them to Scouse Benny, right?
32:53So, what if we have?
32:54There are whoosh things going on in the world.
32:56Yeah, right, James.
32:59Shut your mouth.
33:00What are they doing here?
33:03Look.
33:04I don't know what sort of a scene
33:06you've got going with Caroline.
33:07I don't know how much she's told you
33:09that's okay,
33:10that's for you to sort out with her.
33:11But the simple fact is,
33:13we brought the birds to her
33:14because hers was the better offer.
33:17Until a couple of hours ago, that is.
33:18Yeah, Bannon didn't like being left out.
33:20So, now they're going back to him.
33:22Get the picture, Brainiac?
33:24Leave that where it is.
33:25Look, that's our property.
33:26That's right.
33:28You're all getting on my toes.
33:29Hey, leave off, leave off.
33:30I'm not into violence.
33:31You're going to be in the next door's front room
33:32if you ain't careful.
33:33Okay, creep, back off
33:34or you'll get this frigging tusk
33:36wrapped around your skull, dig?
33:38You tell your girlfriend we're sorry,
33:40but that's the way it goes.
33:41We all get dumped on sooner or later.
33:46I'd have enjoyed
33:47knocking his flashing ivories
33:48down his throat,
33:49but I had a feeling
33:51that this case had developed complications
33:52with a capital C.
33:53and I had a feeling
34:25James. the door was open so I let myself in. the birds have flown Caroline.
34:37where have they gone? just what were you hoping? that I keep Benny occupied till
34:43you'd finished your stinking little deal with Patty and Johnny? well it won't work.
34:50I'm going to the law. I know a mean Scotch copper is gonna toss his cable when he
34:54gets his hands on you lot. oh don't do that James please. give me one good reason why
34:57I shouldn't. let's talk about it later. no we'll talk about it now.
35:07well for a start
35:11Benny and I are married
35:44how long has this been going on?
35:47about three years. it was only meant to be a one-off. I needed the extra bread to
35:54get the business going. I knew I could get Patty and Johnny more for the birds than
35:58Benny was giving them. 1500 quid each you know. I introduced them to him.
36:05terrific friends you've got. yeah. well when Benny found out I got the birds he
36:11started to threaten me. first on the phone and then you smashed the place up.
36:17I really didn't know where he was.
36:19I hadn't even heard from him since we split.
36:23and then there you were. what about the dynamic duo? couldn't I tell you where he was?
36:29they only really saw him when they handed the birds over at the zoo. the zoo?
36:35yeah. by the vultures. where else?
36:40so why did you get me to sniff around Benny's operation? he must have known it was
36:43going to get back to you.
36:46it was a risk I had to take.
36:49I was getting desperate. he'd threatened to tell the police about something I was mixed
36:54up in once. I can hardly wait. well I met Benny when I was at university. oh yeah.
37:00lecturing in criminology was he? oh come on Jim give me a break. yeah yeah sorry. he was
37:07promoting a rock concert on the campus. I wanted good times and he delivered. and then
37:14he hit another idea. the bogus marriage racket. marrying me off to foreigners so they could
37:21get British nationality. and you went along with it? well 200 was a lot in those days for
37:27a trip down to the registry office. I wasn't robbing anybody. I bought myself some clothes.
37:34I sent my mum and dad on holiday. oh it was lovely to give them a treat. they were used
37:40to me coming home skint. where was home? elephant and castle. that's what you get when you're born
37:48on the wrong side of the river. hey look I worked bloody hard to get to university. Caroline for a
37:54clever girl you haven't been very clever. oh I know. but why do you think I wanted to run away?
38:01I didn't want to see him again. and then when he rang up the other day it was to tell
38:07me that he got
38:08photostats of all the wedding licenses. how many were there?
38:16a dozen or so. oh terrific. so now do you see why I had to get something to nail him
38:23with?
38:24oh well all right. he's got the birds. and I'm well out of it. out of it? you're up to
38:31here.
38:34oh I didn't mean to use you James. but what could I do?
38:41what can I do? you know I reckon that what you've been doing ranks well below playing for arsenal as
38:48a
38:48way of making money. now if you knew how I felt about arsenal you would know how serious that is.
38:53well stupid or not it's sink or swim. if you can't help me James it's five years in the nick.
39:06five? I checked it out.
39:16you know what you're doing Hazel? yeah I'm doing porridge. if you'll pardon the expression.
39:25there you want salt or sugar? salt man. salt.
39:31now what are you going to tell me? have you arranged for me to nab this bud smuggling fiend?
39:36almost but not quite. there's uh something I need from you first. what's that? in a word shock?
39:43cooperation. I've got something here that could put another feather into that uh already well plumed cap of yours.
39:50what's this? pakistani test team? warm. very warm. you see the thing is I've got a client at the moment
39:58who arranged for these uh unofficial visitors to become British citizens.
40:02oh you mean a marriage record eh? I do. now my client is prepared to finger the organizing genius behind
40:08it.
40:08now who's your client Hazel? uh in return for what shall we say? an amnesty?
40:15this stuff is full of lumps. give it a chance to sell. see the fiend who has been flogging your
40:22country's precious wildlife to the Arabs also happens to be the aforementioned genius behind
40:26the marriages. now uh my client is prepared to mortgage her dubious past in return for
40:32how shall we say? leniency. she's put down a list of the names and dates as far as she can
40:38remember.
40:40it's a dodgy business Hazel. you know that. will you do it chuck? you see your latest floozy by any
40:47chance?
40:51well i'll think about it. sounds like she's just been a silly girl. that's it chuck.
40:58don't throw that porridge away. you can always use it as a door stop. i'll be in touch.
41:16up the road. 50 pence cheaper up the road.
41:23you listen to me man. if i lose any more customers i'll take my commission out of your face. get
41:30me?
41:36where is he answering? can't you read man? firm. that's german for chat. oh thank you. that's french for
41:44thank you. the boss is going out. business? yeah big business. he's buying the zoo. why don't you stick to
41:54stealing cars. where is he? hey boss? mr acorn is here to see you.
42:11all right is ace. how's tricks? not got a job yet then. come in. i was wondering where you slept.
42:20yeah. well. you can't get a decent gaff these days. bleating adubs have got them all. fancy a game?
42:32now. to what do i owe the pleasure? you're not trying to cause any more trouble i hope.
42:38what would you say if i told you i wanted a bird's back? i wouldn't say anything. i'd laugh.
42:46she's got you at it again hasn't she? listen you can tell my missus there's only one falconetti in
42:50this town. that's me. she has told you she's my missus. she told me everything. i'm glad.
42:58because i hate to see good men get messed about by birds like here.
43:09you see ace. caroline is what i would term low rent.
43:14bullshit. try and look at it from my point of view. i mean here's me running a perfectly illegitimate
43:21business. helping the export drive and what happens. i've got this very important sheet all lined up for
43:26a pair of little beauties. and suddenly madame butterfly's got earth even hands on them. muscling in on my
43:31lines of supply. well i mean what am i supposed to do? i can't give the old saudi of arabia
43:37any old
43:37rubbish can i? if he takes the odds off them and they start saying who's a pretty boy then? well
43:41he's
43:42bound to smell a bowler isn't he? you know what that means. my plums on a skewer. you're breaking my
43:47heart.
43:48what about turning over a shop? i called out no rent. that was anderson wasn't it? he was just having
43:54a
43:54route round on a chance that me birds might be there that too. he's a bit clumsy. hey mind you
44:02you've
44:03got to give him marks for initiative. i mean i didn't even think he'd find a shop.
44:10so i'm in stock aren't i? and it ends up with me having to fork out an extra 200 notes
44:15so that
44:15would a pair of rag asses. look ace i'm gonna have this business all sewn up in a couple of
44:23hours
44:24and then me and caroline. finise up. well i don't know what i'm gonna do. i suppose i'll have to
44:33get
44:33the flying squad in. do you see what i mean? i can foresee a swoop. can't you? no. no i
44:40can't.
44:42because if you drop me in it. i'm gonna drop it right in it.
44:54hey i tell you what. so you'll not have a wasted journey. help yourself to a belt. keep your kecks
45:00up in the seat. no thanks ace. if i needed a belt i'd wear braces. i like that. i must
45:08remember that for
45:08future reference. hey man. any time you're passing. just keep on passing. hmm?
45:16mr hazel. do you know the funniest thing about me doing business with arabs?
45:23i'm only a red sea pedestrian. hey boss. give me ten.
45:30you're a tosy bastard.
45:42uh what i drink you? no i haven't got time. neither of you.
45:46where's ice cream? oh don't talk to me about him. only after me money i reckon.
45:51what? you know. i reckon he's a flyer tonight. no kidding. yeah. what's up? jim. jim. hold on.
46:00i want you to go to this shop. right. uh there. make sure that the lady's in. and then make
46:06sure that
46:06she stays in till i come and pick her up. all right. and give her this message. tell her
46:09everything's working out all right. yeah but it's all a bit previous jimsy. what's wrong with you
46:13what are you doing here? i'm going to the zoo.
46:34come on minty.
46:38i quite like skinny birds. hey. give us a kiss darling.
46:48come on.
46:49come on.
47:08quite a double act.
47:12what? benny and anderson.
47:18it's all right mr hazel. the chaps are all there. detective inspector palmer. nice to meet you.
47:25i was expecting someone a little less attractive. minty asked me to handle it.
47:32yeah. i was just about to ask for your phone number.
47:41do you want it?
47:44well why not? inspector. 999.
47:54that's our collar coming over. yep. that's them. patty and johnny. thank you mr hazel.
48:00what are you doing?
48:38me any time I can be of assistance I'll give you a whistle
48:56I'm surprised that you wax she's for it now you know that don't you
49:00I want to make a statement!
49:02I want to make a big statement!
49:13Where is Minnie?
49:14He's tying things up at the shop.
49:17Oh, terrific.
49:32You are a cheap bastard, Hazel.
49:35She was rather less complimentary earlier.
49:38What the hell are you doing, Minty?
49:40Killing two buds with one stone, as we ornithologists say.
49:45What about the deal?
49:46There is no deal. I need her to peg Benny.
49:49She'll get a fair run.
49:51You bastard.
49:53Now, don't you start being abusive, Hazel.
49:55What's the fee for getting your clients nicked, Hazel?
49:58I'm going to send the bill to Holloway.
50:00Shut up, lady. Please.
50:03Now, how many times have I told you, James,
50:05never petticoat on the job.
50:08I don't feel too badly.
50:10Madam wasn't going to keep to the deal.
50:12She just used you to break Benny.
50:14She double-crossed you both.
50:16She is the queen of the marriage racket.
50:18We've been chasing her for a long time.
50:23She's getting out.
50:28Dubai.
50:30One ticket, one way.
50:35No mention of you on the passenger list.
50:40Get stuffed.
51:13You were born one morning.
51:16Walk out where the ceiling fell.
51:29You learned everything you know in six days.
51:32On the seventh day, you knew it very well.
51:37You trusted pretty women.
51:40A pretty woman had you tied and bound.
51:44You trusted in the bottle.
51:47But in the end, the bottle got you down.
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