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TVTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Honey, I'm home!
01:02Transcription by CastingWords
01:06Come on, Champ! Use your left! Use your left!
01:12Oh, and the Champ's left arm is bitten off!
01:21Use your right! Use your right!
01:23Yeah! Get him all these chewing!
01:27Oh, jeez!
01:30You got it, O'Roy!
01:32Not a beer here!
01:34More juice!
01:46Hey, wait, wait!
01:52My turn! My turn!
01:56Okay, okay, okay!
02:00There you go, pal!
02:04All right, son, you can do it!
02:05Come on, Junior! Do it for Daddy!
02:16Well, maybe he'll develop other interests
02:18Oh, yeah, like collecting stamps or designing full fashions?
02:22Hey, hey, that's my baby brother!
02:23Come on, little guy! Don't let me down!
02:25You can do it!
02:27Come on, Junior, I know what's here!
02:28Let it out! Let it happen!
02:40Hey, hey, hey!
02:42Way to go, son!
02:44Nice work at any age!
02:48Mom, are males born disgusting?
02:51Well, Charlene, that's the old nature-nurture question.
02:53I believe they're born somewhat disgusting,
02:55but need to spend years with each other
02:57to fine-tune it to a sort of total grossness.
02:59Hey, Mom, there's a brontosaurus lady next door.
03:02Oh, I wonder if she's looking at that house.
03:04It's been on the market for weeks.
03:05Well, she's coming this way.
03:07Oh, and she's an herbivore.
03:09I hope she doesn't eat the top of the trees.
03:11The leaves are coming in so nicely.
03:13Uh, well, hello.
03:16Hi, honey.
03:17My goodness, would you look at those earrings.
03:19You know, I could never get away with something like that.
03:21Yeah, well...
03:21But you are young, and you can try different things,
03:23and I think that's great.
03:24Is your mother home?
03:25Oh, oh.
03:28Oh, I'm Charlene Sinclair.
03:30And I'm Fran Sinclair.
03:31Monica de Vertebrae.
03:33I'm the real estate agent selling the house next door.
03:35Oh.
03:36I'm not keeping you from anything, am I?
03:37No.
03:37Not at all.
03:38I just put up a pot of coffee.
03:39Oh, beautiful kitchen.
03:41Oh, I love dirt walls.
03:43They're just so hard to keep clean.
03:45Cream?
03:45Sugar?
03:46Straw.
03:46Oh.
03:47This is my first listing in the area.
03:49I just wanted to meet some of the neighbors.
03:51There you go.
03:51Oh, thank you.
03:55So, do you and your husband live nearby?
03:58I don't have a husband.
03:59Oh, I'm sorry.
04:00Oh, tar pit?
04:01No, divorced.
04:03Divorced?
04:03Huh?
04:04What's that?
04:05It means we were married, and now we're not.
04:08So, did it get eaten?
04:09I didn't renew my marriage license.
04:11Oh, I didn't know you had to renew.
04:13Oh, sure.
04:14Every 20 years, you have to send in 40 bucks.
04:17I took a look at my marriage, and it wasn't worth 40 bucks.
04:20But why?
04:21Didn't your husband buy you a house, or put food on the table, or protect you from predators?
04:25Well, yes, but there should be more to a marriage.
04:28He didn't care about the things that were important to me, like remembering my birthday,
04:31taking me out to dinner, or even sucking parasites out of my ears.
04:35I mean, he knows I can't hold a Q-tip.
04:37Oh, but he's just a male.
04:39I know, and that bought him a lot of years.
04:42How can you possibly survive on your own?
04:44Yeah, you know, independence sounds great, but personally, I'd rather have a guy sitting
04:48around a house ignoring me than go out and get a job.
04:51Now, Charlene, a single female with a career of her own may sound bizarre at first, but
04:56we all have to find our own place in this world.
04:58Mm-hmm.
04:59Franny, get a mop.
05:00Roy's burped up.
05:01Something wet, and it's still moving.
05:03Earl, I'd like you to meet Monica.
05:05She's the real estate agent selling the house next door.
05:07Oh, yeah, hi.
05:08Hi.
05:08Hey, we're gonna need some more finger sandwiches out there.
05:10I've got them right here.
05:12Mm-hmm.
05:14This?
05:17The cheese?
05:18Mm-hmm.
05:20So, your husband's in real estate?
05:22No, I'm in real estate.
05:24Oh, it's nice that your husband let you out around the office.
05:27So, what do you do?
05:28Uh, make him coffee?
05:30No, I don't make coffee for my husband, because I don't have a husband.
05:35Mm-hmm.
05:36A big guy like you?
05:37Learn to make a good cup of coffee.
05:38You'll snag a male in no time.
05:40No.
05:41Now, try and stay with me.
05:43Uh-huh.
05:43Monica doesn't have a husband.
05:45Uh-huh.
05:45Because she didn't renew her marriage license.
05:47Because her husband didn't pay attention to her.
05:52I bet it was the coffee.
05:54No.
05:54She just feels a wife deserves respect.
05:57Yeah.
06:00Mm-hmm.
06:02Oh.
06:06Hey, guys.
06:07You're going to miss this one.
06:09Uh-huh.
06:14Franny.
06:15Franny, it's Thursday.
06:19Wake up, my little love salamander.
06:22Earl, what do you think of Monica?
06:25The male hater?
06:26She is not.
06:28And you were very rude to her this afternoon.
06:33Yes, you're right, Fran.
06:36She's not a male hater.
06:38In fact, she's a trailblazer.
06:40An inspiration to somebody, somewhere.
06:44Oh, come on, Franny.
06:45It's Thursday.
06:47So you think it's okay for a female to be without a man?
06:49Not at this particular moment.
06:51I was talking about Monica.
06:53Will you just forget about Monica?
06:55I just think if she didn't want to renew her marriage license, she must not have been very happy.
07:00Happy?
07:01Happy?
07:01What does happy have to do with marriage?
07:03Look at me.
07:04I'm married, and I'm not happy.
07:06It's Thursday night.
07:07I'm supposed to be happy.
07:09But I'm not.
07:10And you know whose fault that is?
07:12Mm.
07:13Monica, the marriage killer.
07:15And she's coming this way.
07:16So lock your doors.
07:18Hide your children.
07:19No more Thursday nights for anybody.
07:22Jeez, I got such stress now.
07:23There's no Thursday nights?
07:24What am I going to do about my slayer?
07:26Please, but, but...
07:27Marriage is the very institution upon which stress relief is based.
07:30Calm down.
07:30Get that away, and what have you got?
07:32You got stress.
07:33Stress all the time.
07:34Like right now.
07:34Is that what you want, Fran?
07:36Hey, what's going on?
07:37Your mother's gone insane.
07:39We're just talking about the fact that Monica didn't renew her marriage license.
07:42Well, I think that Monica is nuts.
07:44Hey, there's Daddy's little girl.
07:47I think a female's place is in the home.
07:50A professionally decorated home in a nice part of town.
07:52See, Fran, the kids agree with me.
07:54They know instinctively what is right.
07:56Dad, can I say something?
07:57No.
07:58Cause from you, nothing good ever comes.
08:00I agree with Mom.
08:01No kidding.
08:04Jeez, look at this family, Fran.
08:05We can't even get a gender war right.
08:07See, stress.
08:08In a marriage, the happiness of both dinosaurs is what counts.
08:12Let's face it, a marriage license is just a piece of paper.
08:15Just a piece of paper?
08:16Have you ever read it?
08:17No, but...
08:18Well, Mr. Tradition Butcher, I think it's about time you did.
08:21Because after you read just a few of its inspiring passages,
08:24you won't be so quick to mark the sacred document,
08:27which is always right here on the sacred bookshelf.
08:29Somewhere in this general sacred area.
08:32Earl, isn't it there?
08:33Uh, well, it was.
08:35Where?
08:36Ah, right here.
08:39Here we go.
08:40You used it to level the television set?
08:43Well, sacred is as sacred does.
08:45Oh.
08:46This is the cornerstone of our society.
08:49It's our security in troubled times.
08:50It's the bond that holds two dinosaurs together.
08:53It's expired.
08:54Ah!
08:57Are you sure you have the right colored form?
08:59The sign said tangerine.
09:01I don't eat tangerines.
09:02How am I supposed to know what color they are?
09:04Why can't they have meat colored forms?
09:06All right, all right.
09:07Next.
09:09Hi.
09:09We're here to renew our marriage license.
09:11Yeah, yeah.
09:12Social security number?
09:14Oh, uh, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, um, one-eight.
09:22Yeah, yeah, let's see.
09:23Oh, one, six, one, seven, uh, one-eight.
09:26Earl Sinclair.
09:27Mr. Sinclair, please step over there.
09:30Oh.
09:31Hi.
09:32Ah.
09:33Okay, Mr. Sinclair, put your hand over your left eye.
09:36Please tell me which one of these females is your wife.
09:40I can do that.
09:41Go ahead.
09:42Oh, it's one.
09:43Yeah.
09:44Oh, no, it's number two.
09:45No, it's definitely not three.
09:50It's maybe...
09:51Is this a trick question?
09:52Hey, where's four?
09:54Pranny, the church head.
09:56I got it down to two.
09:58Oh, Jesus is tough.
10:03Ow!
10:07That one.
10:09Very good.
10:11Yes.
10:11Okay, let's move on to the written test.
10:14We'll send each of you into a soundproof booth
10:16where you'll write down answers
10:17to personal questions about your relationship.
10:20Oh?
10:21Then we'll reunite our couple and compare answers.
10:25Sounds like a game show.
10:27Please, Mr. Sinclair, this is a government office.
10:31We don't play games here.
10:34All right, Earl, here's your first ten-point question.
10:38On your wedding day, Fran wore something
10:40that held great sentimental value to her.
10:43What was it?
10:45Deodorant, Bob.
10:47I'm sorry.
10:48Fran said...
10:50My mother's wedding dress.
10:52I was so close.
10:55Okay, next question, Earl.
10:58Earl, since you've been married,
11:00Fran has asked you to remember
11:01only one matter of a romantic nature.
11:04What is it?
11:06Put the toilet seat down, Bob.
11:10Close.
11:10But Fran said she wanted you to remember...
11:13Our anniversary.
11:16Earl, you said pudding snacks.
11:19And Fran said...
11:22The birth of our first child.
11:27Oh, that's a clean sweep there, Earl.
11:30You got all 20 questions wrong.
11:32And interestingly enough,
11:34when we look back at your newlywed test 20 years ago,
11:37you got every question right.
11:39That's not fair.
11:40She was really interesting back then.
11:42Sure she was.
11:43But so what?
11:44I can't renew your license.
11:50Ned?
11:55Well, I'm packed.
11:57I'm ready to move out.
11:58Ready to throw away 20 years of wedded bliss.
12:01If that's what you think is best.
12:02We are not married, Earl.
12:04Technicality.
12:05It has nothing to do with our relationship
12:06and what we mean to each other.
12:09What's my middle name?
12:14I'm going.
12:16Earl, what about the kids?
12:18Whoa, whoa!
12:18I know that one.
12:19It's Robbie, Charlene, and...
12:24Something has come up,
12:25and we think you're both mature enough
12:26to know the truth.
12:29Hmm?
12:32Uh, I've got to go to the market,
12:33and I have a very long list.
12:34Earl?
12:35All right, all right.
12:37Your mother and I aren't technically married anymore,
12:39and I'm going to go stay at Uncle Roy's.
12:41We need to spend a little time apart,
12:43and I need to know you kids are okay with this.
12:45I want therapy.
12:46We're from a broken home.
12:48Happy?
12:50Are you really going to leave us, Daddy?
12:52I wish I didn't have to, little girl.
12:54I wish I could make it all better, but I can't.
12:57This is one of those moments in life
12:59that's just miserable and rotten for every one of us.
13:03Happy days are here again.
13:06My daughter's free from Fat Boy.
13:09My daughter's free from Fat Boy.
13:13Happy days are here.
13:19Oh, tough day, huh?
13:21Hey, Earl.
13:22Quittin' time, Polly Boy.
13:24Five o'clock, Roy.
13:26About the time I'd be heading home.
13:28Back when I had a home.
13:30Water under the bridge, Polly Boy.
13:32Now it's party time.
13:34You and me, two single guys on a prowl,
13:37huntin' down females with low self-esteem.
13:41Gee, Roy, I don't feel much like prowling.
13:43Even if I did, I wouldn't remember how.
13:46Oh, piece of cake, girl.
13:48I'll show you how it's done.
13:50Look, you beat a chick, I'll pick you up.
13:53I don't wanna.
13:55Hey, slow down there, Polly girl.
13:57You're way ahead of me.
13:59I haven't even asked you out yet.
14:01Get away from me.
14:03Hoo-hoo-hoo.
14:04A spirited filly.
14:06So, my lovely, tell me about yourself.
14:11Well, the first thing you should know is that I'm a guy.
14:14Yeah, isn't that interesting?
14:16You don't say.
14:17Now listen, this is crucial.
14:19You gotta listen to what they say, which is tough.
14:22A lot of it ain't that interesting.
14:24They almost never talk about wrestling or chicks.
14:27They really go for this listening thing?
14:29Yeah, in a big way.
14:30Hey, you gotta make a genuine effort to pretend you're interested.
14:34And you gotta remember the details.
14:37Tell you what, I got some books on this subject.
14:40Why don't we just go back to my place?
14:43Hey, hey, wait a minute.
14:44Am I still a chick?
14:45Because if I am, you gotta buy dinner first.
14:48Yeah.
14:49How are you holding up, Fran?
14:51Oh, I'm fine.
14:53It's a whole new life for me.
14:55I got this at the supermarket.
14:56Look, companion cuisine for single adults.
14:59The meal that keeps you company.
15:01Until you eat it.
15:06So, I understand you're single.
15:08What happened?
15:09Somebody die?
15:10Hey, it helps to talk.
15:11What's your name?
15:12Uh, Fran.
15:14Wow, pleased to meet you, Fran.
15:15Feel free to baste me while we talk.
15:17Oh.
15:18I just feel bad about you and Earl,
15:20and that somehow all of this is my fault.
15:22Oh, don't be ridiculous.
15:25You know, last night after I put the kids to bed,
15:27I sat down with a good book for the first time,
15:30and I don't know how long.
15:32Really?
15:33What were you reading?
15:34Oh, who the hell remembers?
15:36I spent the whole time thinking about Earl,
15:39staring at Earl's side of the bed,
15:41wondering what shirt Earl was going to wear tomorrow.
15:44Oh, how are the children holding up?
15:46Oh, you know, kids,
15:47these things don't faze them at all.
15:49It's amazing how resilient they are.
16:04Oh, my.
16:11Oh.
16:13Yo, Mom.
16:14What are you doing?
16:16Whoa, I'm just grabbing a beer.
16:18Then I've got to get over to the mud wrestling palace.
16:21Trixie goes on at ten.
16:22I've got to be there to hoser off, you know.
16:24Trixie?
16:25Yeah.
16:29Ahoy there.
16:30Is Charlene in?
16:31Oh, ahoy, mates.
16:33Whoa.
16:35Well, here you go, Fran.
16:37I've got a date.
16:38No, you don't.
16:40And you get this thing out of my kitchen.
16:43You're not going on any date.
16:44This is a school night.
16:46You're in your room.
16:47Oh, Mom.
16:49And you have homework, Robert.
16:52Oh, Mom.
16:53Jeez.
16:54And as for you...
16:56Wrong house.
16:58Let's go into Trixie.
16:59I got dipped in the hose.
17:02Maybe they're not handling this as well as I thought.
17:05They're living in a single-parent home now.
17:08It's an adjustment for them,
17:09not having a male role model.
17:11Buy me a dress.
17:12Boy, do I have to talk to them.
17:15All three of them.
17:16And I need to get the baby ready for bed.
17:19And I still haven't figured out what I'm making Earl for lunch tomorrow.
17:22And stop.
17:23You're doing fine.
17:24You just need to relax.
17:26Now, let your mother watch the kids.
17:28And you and I will go out for an hour.
17:30No, I've already opened dinner.
17:32Fran, she's right.
17:34You need some time for yourself.
17:35You go.
17:36I'll slip into a freezer bag.
17:38I'll be fine.
17:41I'll eat them.
17:46Hey, this single scene's pretty wild, huh?
17:49Looks like every other night we come in here after work.
17:52So, Earl, before the frenzy begins and we got a moment,
17:56what do you look for in a fair sex?
17:59You a leg guy or maybe a horns chaser?
18:02Yeah, some guys prefer the legs.
18:05Others, a good set of teeth.
18:08I like the ones that look like Fran.
18:10Well, me, I'm a neck guy.
18:12You can't get a head too far from the shoulders as far as I'm concerned.
18:17The longer, the better.
18:20Yeah, I remember my first girlfriend.
18:23Longest neck in school.
18:25One day, we went riding in a daddy's convertible, see?
18:28And, well, there was this low bridge, right?
18:30James, run.
18:31Hi.
18:31Huh?
18:37Go get me a ladder.
18:39I'm in love.
18:40Hey, let's make our move, huh?
18:42Roy, one of them's my wife.
18:44Well, right away you have something in common.
18:46What do I do?
18:47What do I do?
18:49Details.
18:50Remember the details.
18:51Details.
18:55Hey, I was here first.
19:06Aren't we, Mr. Macho?
19:08Play your cards right, and you could be Mrs. Macho.
19:11Okay.
19:27Hi.
19:27I'm Earl.
19:29I know.
19:33Do you come here often?
19:36You know I don't.
19:41So, can I buy you a drink?
19:44I have one.
19:45So you do.
19:47Looks good.
19:48What is it?
19:49It's a white wine spritzer.
19:51Spritzer?
19:52It's a spritzer, it's a spritzer, it's a spritzer.
19:56So, what sign are you?
19:58Uh, Pisces.
20:01Pisces?
20:02Pisces, spritzer, pisces, pisces, pisces, pisces.
20:05Oh, excuse me.
20:08I, I, I, uh, fizz, fizz.
20:14Is fritzer what is he?
20:16What are you doing?
20:18Oh, well, when I meet a chick I like, I want to know all about her.
20:23Since when?
20:25Since I realized how much it means to them.
20:29Well, chicks like it when you care enough to try.
20:36You know, you seem like a happening babe.
20:40I know we just met, but what do you say we go someplace a little more romantic?
20:50I'd like that.
20:58This is lovely.
21:00I thought you'd like it.
21:01You know, I missed you.
21:05I missed you too.
21:07I got your flowers.
21:09Oh.
21:10Ragweed.
21:11Ragweed.
21:11It's your favorite.
21:13Oh.
21:14Oh, what?
21:16Roses are my favorite flower, not ragweed.
21:19Well, I knew it had an R in it.
21:20I should have written it down.
21:22Okay, you got five points for remembering her favorite drink.
21:26Ten for remembering your anniversary.
21:29Her birthday.
21:29Your birthday.
21:31Favorite color.
21:32And twenty-five for her favorite international coffee.
21:35See, that's five and ten, twenty-five.
21:38Oh.
21:39Another five points and I could have renewed your license.
21:42Whoa, whoa.
21:43Just stop right there.
21:44Huh?
21:44Who are you to stand there and make judgments about how much we mean to each other?
21:48Sure, the little things were important, but what about the big things?
21:51Like spending twenty years together, raising three kids and seeing each other through the hard times.
21:57And what about love?
22:00I bet there's no place in your official little score sheet for love, is there?
22:04Love?
22:05Well, uh...
22:06Uh...
22:06Uh...
22:08Oh, yeah.
22:09Here it is.
22:09Hey, hey.
22:10Three points.
22:11Hey, look at this.
22:12Seeing each other through the hard times is another three points.
22:16It's, uh...
22:17Congratulations.
22:19You're renewed.
22:20Oh!
22:21Yeah!
22:24Oh, thank you.
22:25Yeah!
22:26Yeah.
22:27You see, Penny?
22:28If I put my mind to it, I can remember all the important stuff about our relationship.
22:32Oh, you sure can.
22:34No, no.
22:35Come on, big boy.
22:37Let's go home and pretend it's Thursday.
22:40No!
22:41Oh!
22:42Thursday.
22:43Duh!
22:44Spaghetti night.
22:45Good night.
22:50Good night.
22:53Good night.
23:01Good night.
23:05Good night.
23:07Good night.
23:08Good night.
23:09Good night.
23:10Good night.
23:11Good night.
23:11Good night.
23:12Good night.
23:13Good night.
23:13Good night.
23:13Good night.
23:13Good night.
23:14Good night.
23:15Good night.
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