- 2 days ago
7 Days - Season 18 - Episode 01: Thursday February 19, 2026
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00:22Welcome to a brand spanking new season of 7 Days.
00:26I'm your brand spanking same host Jeremy Corbett
00:28and joining me are a brand spanks-wearing collection of comics hellbent
00:32on laughing in the face of most chat-worthy news of the week.
00:36Let's meet them, shall we?
00:37The leader of Team One was the youngest Billy T Award winner ever.
00:40So young, even got invited to Epstein's Island.
00:42It's Rhys Matthewsson.
00:44Thank you, Jeremy.
00:46And it was a pleasure to see you there.
00:50We have got a great Team One this evening.
00:52They are the prom king and queen of GloriaVale 2015.
00:55It's Jack Linton, Rhys, Ben!
01:01Just to be clear, I was there for the catering.
01:04Over on Team Two, feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up.
01:08It's Henwood time.
01:09It's Die Henwood!
01:10Thank you very much, Jim.
01:12Pleasure to be here.
01:14Oh, namaste.
01:15On Team Two tonight,
01:16we've basically got the Thelma and Louise of comedy,
01:19which I suppose makes me the Brad Pitt,
01:21but whatever.
01:22Whatever.
01:22Give it up for Abby Howells and Justine Spurt.
01:28Our first round for 2026 is Newsmakers.
01:32Why mess with perfection?
01:33This is where our comedians must decipher
01:35which news story or clip I provide is all about.
01:37And Team One, you're up first.
01:39Why is this in the news?
01:41I haven't done it once.
01:42You can f*** it.
01:43You haven't done it once?
01:44I haven't done it once.
01:45Oh.
01:46Oh, this is just a regular flat meeting
01:49about how we all need to empty the dishwasher.
01:52Is this razor trying to reapply for All Black's coat?
01:55Oh, I haven't done it!
01:56I've never done it!
01:57I've never done it!
01:58Well, based on the fact that he looks like he's curling,
02:01is it sex?
02:06That is the real answer.
02:08The Winter Olympics is heating up, Jeremy,
02:10because the Canadian Cold Lawn Bowls team
02:12have been accused of cheating.
02:14Yeah, well done, Team One.
02:16The Winter Olympics have been rocked
02:18by a string of controversies, actually.
02:19You had Crotchgate and the ski jumping.
02:21Team Canada, they're accused of cheating in the curling.
02:24And, of course, that Norwegian biathlete
02:26tearfully confessing to cheating on his girlfriend.
02:28Have you seen the biathlon?
02:30I don't know if you've seen it.
02:30That's where they ski and shoot rifles.
02:32Which is all good when they do it,
02:33but when I show up to Snow Planet with a handgun,
02:35I'm apparently not an athlete.
02:40So what's Crotchgate?
02:42Crotchgate is...
02:43So in the big ski jump,
02:44where they do the massive ski jump,
02:46they've been wearing looser uniforms or outfits,
02:50which gives them a more aerodynamic profile
02:51and keeps them in the air longer
02:53and gives them a longer jump.
02:54Why is it to do with the crotches?
02:56Because that's where they've got the extra material.
02:59Everyone has extra material there, don't they?
03:00Not me.
03:02Well, actually, the older you get,
03:04the more perfect you are for the long ski jump,
03:06I'm honest.
03:07Yuck!
03:10I hate to bring this back to curling.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Nice.
03:16Please do.
03:17But isn't curling itself cheating?
03:20Like, shouldn't they do it when the water's not frozen?
03:22That would be more impressive.
03:25Throwing a stone quick enough,
03:26skipping it across the water.
03:30I wouldn't do that on TV.
03:32No, I'm talking about the curling, not the penis.
03:37It annoys me too,
03:38because, you know,
03:38if you know there's going to be an event on the ice that day,
03:41clean it up beforehand.
03:44Yeah!
03:45There's this rush drop in the middle of it,
03:47it's like,
03:47we see you there, guys.
03:51Genuine question.
03:52If you fall and hurt yourself at the Winter Olympics,
03:54instead of putting you on ice,
03:56do they just leave you there?
03:59I like curling.
04:00Curling's a sport for people
04:01who are old enough to enjoy lawn bowls,
04:04but young enough to survive a slip on the ice.
04:06Yeah, that's right.
04:08It's one of those great sports in the Olympics
04:10you watch and think,
04:12I could still make that team.
04:15Yeah.
04:16I feel like there might be a bit more to it.
04:18It's a bit like saying you could do the luge
04:20because you could sit in a toboggan going down an icy trail.
04:22Oh, yeah, the luge looks easy.
04:25Have you seen the one where they lie on top of each other?
04:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28I don't know if you're watching the luge.
04:31Oh, trust me, I am.
04:33How did that conversation start?
04:36Well, like, who's top and bottom?
04:38No, like, take a...
04:39Hey, man, like, you haven't dripped...
04:41Do you want to lie on top of me
04:42at this hoon down the mountain, take a...
04:45And we'll put on real tight clothes and...
04:48You know, just lie on top of me and we'll go real...
04:50It's like a hydra slide, but really dangerous
04:53and we'll be in, like, real tight clothes and just like...
04:57Don't worry if it's hard.
04:58I just rejected it for you.
05:00That's right.
05:01You know, one of the worst mistakes I made as a young man
05:04was the first time I went snowboarding.
05:07We went up the mountain
05:09and there was a photographer there from a snowboarding magazine
05:12and I went up and told him that I was a pro snowboarder.
05:16And he went, sweet ass, hop on the chairlift
05:20and I'll take you to this jump and I'll take a photo of you.
05:23And so I went up there and I could skateboard,
05:26so I knew how to stand on it.
05:27And I just, we're fanging down this hill.
05:30Oh, God.
05:30And he sent me the photo.
05:32I'm completely upside down.
05:34And just before my head smacked into a rock...
05:38Oh.
05:38..and then I got airlifted off the mountain.
05:43The photo is amazing.
05:45Yeah.
05:46All right, any more for that?
05:48We'll move on.
05:49Over to you, team two.
05:50Have a look at this clip.
05:52Tell me what it's all about.
05:53That's a wonderful reputation to have.
05:55I'm very pleased to hear that news.
05:56All right, it does...
05:57There's Bill Clinton with a Kiwi accent, isn't there?
06:00It does.
06:01Wait, has he just...
06:02I know what he's proud of.
06:03He's the guy in the street that puts the bins out first
06:07so everyone knows what bin date is.
06:08Ah.
06:09I like to call them the binfluencer.
06:13God bless that person.
06:14I know, it's certainly not our house.
06:16Oh, is this about Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:21Hamilton becoming the new Wellington.
06:23So, what, like, Hamilton, like...
06:24The new Wellington, like, culture or capital?
06:27No, capital.
06:28Aren't they thinking about...
06:29Am I right?
06:30I'm not even the team captain.
06:30You say it.
06:31OK.
06:36Hamilton is going to become the new capital of New Zealand?
06:41What is wrong with you?
06:43Did you hit your head while skiing?
06:46Yeah, you're right.
06:47Off the back of being voted New Zealand's safest city
06:49from natural disasters,
06:51there have been calls to move the politicians there
06:54and make Hamilton the capital of Aotearoa, New Zealand.
06:57Great way to bring down Hamilton's chlamydia numbers, isn't it?
06:59Bring in thousands of New Zealand's least f***able people.
07:05You're a Wellington boy,
07:06so you're probably a little patriotic for the capital staying.
07:09Well, what are you going to do with a beehive
07:10when your MDs turn into a chemist's warehouse?
07:14It's not bad.
07:15You'd have the Panadol on one level
07:17and then you'd go move up to the stronger drugs
07:20and the top level is your tramadol.
07:21You've got to serve a methadrine up at the top.
07:25I think the problem is,
07:26in government, you want good decision-making.
07:28And I've never made a good decision in Hamilton.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Even the decision to go to Hamilton
07:35was not a good decision.
07:37Do we even need a capital?
07:39I mean, surely we can sort out most of our issue
07:41with, like, a WhatsApp group or something.
07:42Yeah.
07:43I mean, no, they pride themselves
07:45on being the largest inland city, right?
07:47I'm like, is that a brag?
07:49Like, oh, no thanks to the beach and fresh air.
07:53Yeah, but I mean,
07:53Wellington's not really nailing the beach at the moment.
07:573,000 litres of shit.
08:00Wait, so Hamilton's the safest city from natural disasters?
08:03Apparently.
08:04Then why does it look like that?
08:07Not even the natural disasters want to go there.
08:15If they move the politicians there,
08:18they'll have a bloody field day.
08:20Oh.
08:21Oh, God, I hate myself.
08:24I think...
08:26Well, I'm from Dunedin,
08:28so I'll make an advocate for Dunedin being the capital.
08:31I'll say, Dunedin, yeah, it's cold,
08:33but think about this.
08:34We've got the best murders, baby.
08:36The best murders in the country.
08:38Sorry about that.
08:39Not the highest amount of murders,
08:41but the murders we do have are like,
08:42Mamma Mia!
08:45It's now time to turn this fun little game
08:47into a competitive bloodbath by using points.
08:49Team 1,
08:50I'll give you the number of episodes of 7 Days in existence.
08:53445.
08:54You are watching 446.
08:56That's your score.
08:57Well, Team 2,
08:57you get the number of kākāpō in existence,
09:01237,
09:01after Yasmin had one of her eggs hatch on Valentine's Day.
09:05Although it won't officially be added to the tally
09:07until it fledges.
09:08It does mean that Team 1 gets our first star of the night.
09:12Well done.
09:15What are they playing for, I hear you ask?
09:17I do hear you.
09:18Apart from the glory,
09:19it's a prize plucked right from the headlines.
09:22Say ooh or ah
09:23as you take a look at this week's prize.
09:25There it is.
09:26Our tribute to the signature dish
09:28of the Italian Winter Olympics,
09:30the frozen pizza.
09:33The winning team will take home their own leaning tower
09:36to cook from frozen,
09:37munch through like an ice block,
09:39or hurl through their neighbour's window
09:40like an icy frisbee.
09:42Congratulations.
09:43Time now on 7 Days 4,
09:44Yes Minister,
09:45where we pick a politician,
09:46fly them to Auckland,
09:47make them stand over there
09:48until I introduce them.
09:49This week we have the newly named leader
09:51of the party formerly known as TOP,
09:53the Opportunity Party.
09:54Give it up for Q Lai Wong!
10:00Q Lai, welcome to the show.
10:02Q, if I may be so bold,
10:04your job to answer the questions
10:05from these reporters,
10:07in inverted commas,
10:09without saying yes or no.
10:10You got it?
10:10Got it.
10:11Okay, got it.
10:12Take it away.
10:13Q, I worked on Dancing with the Stars
10:16closely with David Seymour.
10:18Do you know any good therapists?
10:22I would love to go on Dancing with the Stars
10:24if you can get me on there.
10:27Q Lai, my friend claims to be a bottom,
10:30can he still vote for you?
10:34We've moved on, we've moved on.
10:36It's just opportunity.
10:37Q, I read that you lived in London,
10:41worked in fashion,
10:42and then met a man from Palmerston North.
10:45Would you agree that sentence goes
10:47from real good to real bad?
10:49And are you putting politics
10:51at the end of that?
10:52Yeah.
10:54Gareth Morgan came on the show,
10:55but I'm okay now.
10:59He was very anti-cats,
11:01and obviously I'm very much into cats.
11:03I also have a husband breaking the rule,
11:05but I'm just wondering,
11:08Q, are our pussies safe in your hands?
11:12Very safe, very safe.
11:14Don't flirt with me.
11:18Oh, I was just going to say,
11:20so your nickname is Q.
11:21Did you shorten it from Q Lai
11:23so that Christopher Luxon
11:24will be able to pronounce it?
11:26Yeah, I thought we needed to mix it up
11:28with all the Chris's, you know?
11:29Yeah, that's nice.
11:29Spice it up a bit, a little bit.
11:31Speaking of names,
11:32so it went from the Opportunities Party
11:34to just opportunity.
11:36Is that because New Zealand's in such a bad place
11:37you can't promise more than one opportunity?
11:42We've really got one opportunity
11:43to save everything,
11:45and this election is it.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Yeah, and on researching you for this,
11:50it was actually really hard
11:50because you don't actually have a Wikipedia.
11:52Did you know that?
11:53I do know that.
11:54But I've made you one.
11:57I don't know if that's creepy,
11:59but I have to make you...
12:00Have you actually?
12:01Yes.
12:01Because we've been looking for someone
12:02to help us with it.
12:03And I have put in here
12:05Wong is close personal friends
12:07with New Zealand comedian Jack Ansett
12:09and thinks he's a crack-up.
12:10Don't say no.
12:12I think that's going to help us
12:14get over the 5%.
12:15Yay!
12:17Just to answer your question, Jack,
12:19yes, that is majorly creepy.
12:22How?
12:23It needed to be done.
12:24It did need to be done,
12:25and our comms team
12:26will be very happy with you.
12:28Well, it's been deleted
12:29because there's some false information on there.
12:33I'll do it again.
12:34I'll do it again.
12:34Wikipedia is like,
12:35Jack Ansett's not crack-up.
12:38He's all right.
12:39Well, as a centrist party,
12:41you've kind of got a coalition on the table
12:43with anyone.
12:44You know,
12:45Hipkins,
12:45Luxon,
12:46Peters,
12:47Seymour,
12:48Swarbrick,
12:48Waititi.
12:49So let's play a quick game
12:50of shoot,
12:51shag, shag, shag,
12:52man.
12:53Shag, shag, shag, shag.
12:57It's a hard one.
12:58It is a hard one.
13:00And the answer is?
13:02I think we will be sort of the therapist
13:04helping them all get along.
13:07Learning how to,
13:09yeah,
13:09shag each other.
13:10I don't know.
13:12Wow.
13:14You are getting votes right now.
13:16You are getting votes.
13:17Speaking of hills,
13:18I saw on your Instagram
13:19that in 2017
13:20you went to Machu Picchu.
13:22Sorry,
13:23I'm creepy
13:24and you're stalking.
13:27Yeah.
13:28It's more of a vibe thing,
13:29Jack.
13:31Did you also have
13:32one of the alpacas
13:33steal your sandwich?
13:34You know what?
13:35I didn't actually do Machu Picchu.
13:37I only went to,
13:38like,
13:38the start of that walk.
13:39So it's a bit
13:40of a false information.
13:42Oh, no,
13:42you're made for politics.
13:43Yeah.
13:46So say it's late at night
13:48and, uh,
13:50you wake up
13:50and you hear a noise
13:51and there's, like,
13:52a murderer in your house
13:54and he's, like,
13:54running towards you
13:55with a knife
13:56but his fly's undone.
13:57What are you,
13:57what are you going to mention?
14:01I'm not sure
14:02where that question was going.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Very common reaction.
14:06You thought my question was weird.
14:08I've been sitting on there
14:09being like,
14:10oh,
14:10she's going to love the question.
14:14Do you know how calm
14:16you would have to be
14:16to notice that?
14:18I know.
14:20Like,
14:20if you woke up
14:21in the middle of the night
14:22and there was a dude
14:23running at you
14:24with a knife,
14:25I don't reckon
14:26you look straight at his dick.
14:28You're looking at the,
14:29I'm going the knife,
14:31I reckon,
14:31not...
14:31Although you're at bed level,
14:33so, you know.
14:33Yeah,
14:34oh,
14:34that's true.
14:35You would be looking at it.
14:35Do not get sucked
14:36into this conversation.
14:39You're now based
14:41in Mount Albert,
14:41I believe.
14:42Yes.
14:42Have you ever got...
14:43That's a yes.
14:47You've done very well.
14:48Give it up to Kool-Aid.
14:48Yes.
14:50Thanks very much.
14:51And congratulations,
14:52team two.
14:53Well done.
14:55Time now for the
14:56Burger Fuel Brain Grill,
14:58brought to us by
14:58our brand new sponsor.
14:59Thank you, Burger Fuel.
15:00This is where we turn back
15:01the pages of time
15:02and test our team's
15:03powers of recollection.
15:04Given that it's 30 years
15:06I learnt since Burger Fuel
15:07first opened their
15:08delicious doors,
15:09we're going to go back
15:0930 as well.
15:10So the magical year
15:11of 1995,
15:13team one.
15:19What was that all about?
15:21It's your bachelor party,
15:22Gorgie.
15:25And this is the
15:26baggage carousel
15:27after getting off
15:28Epstein's plane.
15:30That was,
15:31as many of you know,
15:32the launch of
15:33Windows 95
15:34with Bill Badboy Gates
15:36leading the moves,
15:37just going to show
15:38that in 30 years
15:39white men have
15:40not learnt how to dance.
15:42Don't worry,
15:43team two,
15:43you're going to get
15:44a turn next break
15:44and you at home
15:45will get a chance
15:46later in the show
15:46to win thanks to
15:47the bloody legends
15:48at Burger Fuel.
15:49I'm very tired,
15:49need a break.
15:50Stick around though
15:51because we've got
15:51Slice of Seven
15:52when we return
15:53on Seven Days.
16:03Ah,
16:03you came back.
16:05Great to see your,
16:06what I imagine
16:07are incredibly
16:07beautiful faces.
16:08Time now for
16:09Slice of Seven
16:10where real life
16:10musicians take
16:11their real life
16:12songs and ruin
16:13them by changing
16:14them to be
16:14about a news story.
16:15This week we are
16:16joined in the studio
16:17by one of our favourites,
16:18a band that's been
16:19crushing it on
16:19American talk shows.
16:21Now they're on
16:21my talk show,
16:22back home just
16:23to come on Seven
16:23Days.
16:24Give it up for
16:24the Beths!
16:30Team one,
16:31we'll begin with you.
16:32Are you ready to
16:32decipher the Beths song
16:34and tell me what
16:34they're singing about?
16:35I'm so pumped.
16:36Beths in your own
16:37time.
16:37Take it away.
16:45I found money in
16:47my wall cavity
16:48200,000 in notes
16:52Wanted to give it
16:55to charity
16:56JK, I want a
16:58brand new bow
17:00My cash is stashed
17:02Guided by lads
17:04Kept so worn
17:05by pink bats
17:07And the cops
17:08they want it
17:12Draft shit and
17:14Damn shit and
17:16My roof is richer
17:17than I am
17:19Damn shit and
17:21Jays
17:22If you find cash
17:24don't tell the police
17:26Cause I can't buy
17:27books
17:27I can't shop
17:28I can't buy wine
17:30The cash was earned
17:32due to crime
17:33So next time
17:35I'll keep my lips
17:38sealed
18:03I'll keep my lips
18:06I'll keep my lips
18:08in their roof when they moved in.
18:10Oh, OK, yeah.
18:11We'll go with...
18:12My official answer is what Brinley said.
18:15Good words to live by, Rhys.
18:18Yes, a Christchurch couple is embroiled in a legal fight
18:20to keep the $200,000 in cash they found in their ceiling.
18:24Police claim the couple don't get to keep the money
18:26because it may have been earned through crime.
18:28And to underline that, the police have consistently said
18:31that money isn't yours to spend
18:32just because it happens to be in your house.
18:35Are you listening to this, honey?
18:37Sorry.
18:46Oh, I'm the bad guy.
18:48Yeah.
18:49Yeah, so they found $200,000, but the police are saying
18:51proceeds of crime, can't have it.
18:53Christchurch couple, I think Jack and Brinley
18:55should be allowed to keep it.
18:57So it was in their, like, roof as insulation.
19:00Yes.
19:01Look, I wish my house had insulation.
19:05All I found in my ceiling was some really old candy.
19:14And it tasted fine, but there's a devil on the other end.
19:18Oregon.
19:20I mean, yeah, the people that own the money, they must be in prison.
19:24And they say Seven Days has actually watched quite a lot in prison.
19:28So those people, I'd just like to say,
19:30ha, shame?
19:33No, no, no.
19:34Yeah, you do realise that some people get out of prison, Jack.
19:38Yeah, you did, David Bain.
19:39No, I'm sorry.
19:42No, no, no.
19:45Yeah, I did.
19:47And why?
19:47And why?
19:49Do you know if they were, like, vacuum-packed into little...
19:52I don't.
19:53Yeah, I'd like to know.
19:54Little piles, like you see on television?
19:55It's a definite giveaway of the proceeds of crime, isn't it?
19:58The vacuum packing.
19:59Is it?
20:00Mm, oh, yeah.
20:00I've got a couple of winter jerseys under my bed
20:03that aren't a crime scene.
20:05They're a fashion crime scene.
20:07You'd be so...
20:08LAUGHTER
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11LAUGHTER
20:11LAUGHTER
20:13LAUGHTER
20:14LAUGHTER
20:14All right, team two, we're coming to you now.
20:16Beths, are you ready for a song?
20:18OK, tell me what story the Beths are singing about.
20:21All yours.
20:21Three, four...
20:22MUSIC PLAYS
20:27I thought I would go out flying
20:31But the planes have all been grounded
20:34Cos the cabin crews are crying
20:38They're because so the ships are wet
20:41They are sick of all the sick bags
20:45And they're heading to the exit
20:48But at least this major airstrike
20:52Won't involve the death of birds
20:55Cos they pay
20:57Cos they pay
20:58So long, long
21:00So long, long
21:02That's a big
21:04That's a big
21:05Flying order
21:07A no-no
21:08I guess I'll take
21:10Guess I'll take
21:12Take an Uber
21:14An Uber
21:15On the way
21:17On the way
21:18To Rotorua
21:20Rotorua
21:23Always don't show
21:25The safety video
21:29To them again
21:33APPLAUSE
21:38I was sort of transfixed by the music
21:41And I wasn't really listening
21:43I heard sick bags
21:45Sick bags
21:46Which is my stripper name
21:47And I also...
21:48LAUGHTER
21:51Ladies and gentlemen
21:52Please welcome
21:53Welcome to the podium
21:55Sick bags
21:56LAUGHTER
22:02I hurt my neck
22:03I hurt my neck
22:05I...
22:06I...
22:07And on
22:07Don't watch the safety
22:08Please don't play the safety video
22:10So it's about flight attendants
22:12Right?
22:12I think
22:12And they've been in the news
22:14Yeah, oh
22:15Because they're striking
22:16They are striking
22:17Oh, Jeremy
22:18Flight attendants
22:20Are striking
22:22So I don't know
22:23Where you're going to
22:24Put your dollar bills
22:25And demand
22:26Oh my God
22:27Serve your more cassava chips
22:29LAUGHTER
22:31Not true
22:34Good luck to anyone
22:35Taking a flight this month
22:36Flight attendants
22:36Across the nation
22:37Are striking
22:38On three separate occasions
22:39Throughout February
22:40Cabin staff
22:41Want more money
22:42As well as better work conditions
22:43In fact
22:44The harsh working conditions
22:45Have caused many cabin crew
22:46To walk off the job
22:47And immediately plummet
22:48To their deaths
22:50LAUGHTER
22:52Do you reckon
22:52When they walked off the job
22:53Lights illuminated
22:54To show them the way out
22:56Or...
22:57LAUGHTER
22:57It was a tough job though
22:58I can see it as a tough job
23:00Apparently on one
23:00International flight
23:01They deserve over 300 drinks
23:04Right?
23:04And that was just
23:05A Winston Peters
23:06Yeah
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08Well, it'll be good
23:09To finally vape
23:10On the plane
23:11Without any
23:11F***ing narcs
23:13LAUGHTER
23:18Did you see Jetstar's
23:20Response to this
23:21They were
23:21Hmm, we should get
23:22Flight attendants
23:24LAUGHTER
23:26New Zealand said
23:27They had actually
23:28Allocated money
23:28To pay the
23:29Attendants more
23:30But one of the
23:31Staff members
23:31Left it in the
23:32Ceiling of the house
23:32They were selling in
23:33F***ing
23:34Well, they've been
23:35In negotiations
23:35For nine months
23:36So they got told
23:37That the pay rise
23:38Was due
23:39And then they were told
23:40It was delayed
23:41And then they told
23:41It was diverted
23:42To Palmerston North
23:44LAUGHTER
23:46So they got
23:47Did you know
23:47Pilots are one
23:48Of the few professions
23:49Where you wear
23:50Short sleeves
23:51And a tie
23:51What about banking?
23:54Another one?
23:55Casa
23:56LAUGHTER
23:56Another one?
23:58There's a two actually
24:00Insurance broker
24:02Oh no, only
24:03No, you were thinking
24:03Of a Mormon insurance broker
24:05Oh yeah, that's right
24:06Well, they did get
24:07A pay offer
24:08From Air New Zealand
24:09And apparently
24:10The flight attendants
24:11Said that it was
24:11Rubbish
24:12Any rubbish?
24:14Any rubbish?
24:16I hope the flight attendants
24:18Get more money
24:18The Beths
24:19They're back in the country
24:20To a nationwide tour
24:21This March
24:22Head to thebeths.com
24:23For all the ticket info
24:24And please listen
24:24To the real version
24:25The excellent new album
24:26Straight Line was a lie
24:27One more time
24:28For the Beths
24:28CHEERING
24:35We go to the points now
24:36Team 1, you've earned
24:37A thousand
24:38That's the new amount
24:38Of space launches
24:39Rocket launches
24:40Allowed in New Zealand
24:41The initial cap of 100
24:42Set nine years ago
24:43Is set to be reached
24:44So you're allowed
24:44More, good stuff
24:45Team 2
24:46You can have the amount
24:46Social media star
24:47Logan pulled a Pokemon card
24:49For $27.3 million
24:51What?
24:52He bought it
24:53Five years ago
24:54For $8.7 million
24:56$23.4 million
24:57Beat space
24:58Team 2
24:59You get a star
24:59Congratulations
25:00Congratulations
25:05All right, you know what time it is
25:07We're coming up to a break
25:08So thanks to Burger Fuel
25:09We've got another Burger Fuel
25:10Brain Grill for you
25:11This is Team 2 this time
25:12What's going on in this story
25:13It is from 1995
25:19Good evening
25:19Well it was just a walk
25:20In the park
25:21Except the park
25:22Blew up
25:25Oh
25:25This is when you're a bit pissed
25:27And you're trying to explain
25:28To your partner
25:29Why you're home late
25:31Just a walk in the park
25:32And the park blew up
25:37That's of course
25:38The wonderful John Hawksby
25:39The eruption of Mount Ruapehu
25:41That shook the North Island
25:42Back on September 23rd 1995
25:44Who could forget
25:45I couldn't
25:45I was up there
25:46With my mates
25:47We were getting rid of some dynamite
25:48Into the crater
25:48Oh boy
25:50Remember your chance to win
25:51Thanks to Burger Fuel
25:52Is coming up later in the show
25:53Break time now though
25:54Come back with your togs on
25:55When we return
25:56We're off to the beach
25:57It's Club Topicana
25:58See you soon
26:10It's raining
26:11And it's windy
26:11Must be summer
26:12What better time
26:13To head to the beach
26:13For Club Topicana
26:14Play the steel drums
26:26This year
26:27We've ditched Dole
26:28And replaced them
26:28With a better pineapple partner
26:30Psyche
26:31We'd never leave you Dole
26:33You're the pinnacle of pineapples
26:34We're in a lifelong
26:35Committed relationship
26:36Now inside
26:36The spiky fruity orb
26:38Recollection of my favourite
26:39Stories from the week
26:40Ones that wet my whistle
26:41And had me thirsty
26:42For more
26:43So let's dive in
26:44Shall we
26:44Here we go
26:46Ah yes
26:47The Winter Olympics
26:48Is on right now
26:48As mentioned
26:49But they're so far away
26:51Geographically
26:51What if they were closer
26:53What if they were in New Zealand
26:54I'd like to see some scenes
26:55From a Kiwi Olympics
26:57Please
27:00What so you're supposed to have
27:01A swimming heat
27:01No
27:02Every Tuesday
27:03We have half the pool
27:04Booked out for aquarobics
27:11And they're picking up speed
27:13Oh crashing right into
27:14The Michael Hill jeweler
27:15They've taken the gold
27:17They've taken the silver
27:18They've taken everything
27:24All right
27:24No snow for the bobsled this year
27:27So we've improvised
27:27And you're just going to be riding
27:28This chilli bin lid down
27:29Man Eden
27:36And to beat the Australian
27:38He is going to need
27:40An 8.2 metre splash
27:42On this manu
27:46And taking gold
27:47It is the Avondale bomb squad
27:57I'm here for the high jump
28:07Time now for the hot sand sprint
28:09From the water
28:10To the car park
28:11With one gender leech
28:12And go
28:17And the triathletes
28:19Are coming out of the water now
28:20They are scanning the QR codes
28:22On the lime scooters
28:23And they are off
28:32That's 24
28:3325
28:3526
28:36Folks
28:36We've reached
28:37A new level of car
28:38Stuck behind a juicy camper
28:43Oh my god
28:44Look at that
28:45Incredible fireworks display
28:47Over Eden Park
28:48To mark the opening ceremony
28:49Of the Olympic Games
28:50Oh and what's that
28:51Oh the crowd are leaving
28:52To beat the traffic
29:00And as we see
29:01The marathon runners
29:03Rounding the final bend
29:04The New Zealand crowd
29:05Erupts
29:06Into calling them
29:07Tryhards
29:11I hope you're taking note
29:12New Zealand Olympic Committee
29:13Think there's some good ideas
29:14In there
29:15We move to our next story
29:16Over our break
29:18There were
29:18Lots of oddball things
29:20Happening over in the USA
29:21Especially at the
29:22President's place
29:22The White House
29:23It's got me wondering
29:24What goes on behind the scenes there
29:26Let's take us inside team
29:28I'd like to hear some examples
29:29Of things overheard
29:31In the White House
29:36Okay so one more time
29:38President Trump
29:38When the gun goes off
29:40You go
29:45Hi I'm Keith
29:46I just moved in next door
29:47As a condition of my parole
29:49I have to inform you
29:50That I'm a registered sex offender
29:51Oh same
29:52In few
30:01Make
30:02Great green card
30:05Look angry
30:07Make movie
30:17oh god here we go hey Grock how to run country that was my Trump impression
30:34hang on a second I just got a good a great text from my very good friend
30:39Jeremy Corbyn he's the funniest man I met him on a beautiful island
30:49oh it feels like we were there doesn't it all right uh let's have a look at our next story
30:54um now Valentine's Day yes it was this week sorry for bringing it up again uh for all those
30:58low-grade boyfriends out there who forgot uh like me uh I am bad but I'm sure they were worse
31:04uh give me some examples of the worst Valentine's Day please oh this is so lovely babes date night
31:12at the zoo for and getting to meet my spirit animal that's so great thank you why have we stopped
31:17by
31:18this big wrinkly old elephant hi I'm Jack and sit that's me good to know no one in the crowd
31:35knows
31:35my name um hey baby I thought for this Valentine's Day we could do a little bit of role play
31:46yeah okay cool all right I rolled a nat 20 a goblin appears from behind the room
32:01oh god I'm still Mrs Corbett
32:10girl are you Auckland City because I reckon it's another year before I can give you a light rail
32:19all right enough romance let's uh let's move on uh yes it is our first day back at work today
32:25and
32:25we're all struggling a bit to remember how we make this show I thought I'd throw that on the beach
32:29and ask the comedians to show me some examples of forgetting how to do your job hey settle down
32:36settle down no one's here to judge you now has the jury reached a verdict
32:46I bless you in the name of the father the son and the holy holy the holy holy shit
32:54no oh no hey man have a good one
33:12you guys want any change
33:20Kate we're gonna get this plane landed safely
33:25I love this song
33:39oh you know that's definitely safe to use Mr Baldwin
33:50okay so I'm stuck behind a wall I can't find the door
33:55I eventually find the door oh sorry
34:04I certainly uh hope you remember how to do your job and enjoy 2026
34:08far too many floaters washing up on the beach right now time to traipse all the sand into our cars
34:13and head home to the desk play the steel drums great topic
34:26great game of club topicana for points getting a bit samba I'm going to salute the celebrity departed
34:32team one you can have the age of robert devale star of apocalypse now and the godfather when he passed
34:36away on monday 95
34:37and team two you get the age of dawson's creek star james van de beek when he passed away last
34:42week 48
34:43which means the team one gets a shiny star for their star chart
34:46time for a break now but glue yourselves to your seats because after the break we're playing a brand new
34:53game called jeremy's special game
34:56you do not want to miss it see you soon for seven days
35:06welcome back one and all to seven days time now for a new segment very excited about this is called
35:11jeremy's special game where i jeremy
35:13present a new game i've come up with um which is why i think it's special of course
35:17this week we are playing come on feel the news or come on feel the news for slade fans
35:24uh here teams must slide their grubby little hands into my rigid box and have a thorough feel of its
35:28innards
35:28insider objects hinting toward a news story team one you are the first guinea pigs
35:33put your hands in the box have a feel okay that's good yeah put your hands in a box
35:40it's so have a bit of a feel around oh i can put my hand in a box oh no
35:46oh oh oh no oh oh oh no it's just his hand but it's still quite scary
35:51it's um i i just felt a virgin what
35:54what
36:02correct not part of the story reese not part of the story i'll help you out there what are you
36:06getting there brinley
36:07An egg with a toothpick in it.
36:09I haven't touched anything.
36:10It's grass.
36:11It's grass.
36:12That's an egg cup.
36:13Egg cup and grass.
36:14Grass.
36:14Pull it out the hole.
36:15What's that?
36:15Is that something?
36:16That's something.
36:17Is that a jersey or a jumper?
36:19Guys, get me excited.
36:20Grass.
36:21Rugby.
36:22Rugby.
36:22Jersey.
36:23Grass.
36:23A leg.
36:24And egg cup.
36:25What's the egg?
36:26I found a leg.
36:27Is it egg and spoon racing?
36:29Egg and spoon racing.
36:30Why would it be that?
36:31It's crowning.
36:32Sorry.
36:33Oh.
36:34Oh.
36:35Oh.
36:35This is like the guy running towards you with the knife.
36:39Well, I think I know.
36:41I think I know.
36:41It says the umbrella and the egg cup is Christopher Luxon's baldest f*** head.
36:47And this is the umbrella man.
36:50What?
36:50The umbrella at the rugby.
36:52I don't know what the rugby thing is, but it's at the rugby.
36:55And Christopher Luxon put the umbrella.
36:57Stop.
36:58Over.
36:59The man with the fluffy.
37:00There's a cat.
37:01Here.
37:02Yeah.
37:02A cat.
37:03You're right about everything except the story.
37:08Australia.
37:10Correct.
37:10That's a big part of it.
37:11Can we go on each other's hold?
37:12Put it this way.
37:12Di's getting very excited about the story.
37:14Yeah, it's obviously none of you are religious.
37:16You're literally...
37:18Jesus' cloak's in there, man.
37:20Oh, okay.
37:20So it's the Warriors.
37:22Oh, no.
37:22It's not.
37:23Oh.
37:24It's not.
37:26You're my second Jesus.
37:27You need to go back more towards the Australian thing.
37:30Sorry.
37:31Go down to Ed.
37:31That was in the E Cup.
37:32Christopher Luxon was at a rugby game in Australia.
37:35It was the All Blacks who were playing.
37:38And he held an umbrella over a man.
37:41Oh, God.
37:41And that man turned out to be Jeffrey Epstein.
37:45LAUGHTER
37:47That would be a news story, as you can hear from Di's groans.
37:51You are wrong.
37:51Prime Minister Christopher Luxon gallantly held an umbrella over NRL Commissioner Dr Gary
37:56Weiss, as he announced Eden Park will host its first ever state-of-origin match.
38:02New Zealand government reportedly paid $5 million for the privilege for that event.
38:07When asked where the money came from, Prime Minister said,
38:09it's amazing what you can afford when you feed school kids cat food.
38:13So...
38:14All right, well, Jeremy's special game, already a bit of a success.
38:17Yes, I have quietly repositioned the mystery box to Team 2.
38:22It is your turn now, Team 2.
38:23If you'd like to put your hands in there and tell me what story I have made...
38:27OK.
38:28...with my objet.
38:29No mucking around.
38:30Not like uni.
38:31Oh, right!
38:33Oh, gee.
38:34Hey, she's...
38:35OK, there's something...
38:35Oh, sorry.
38:36Is this bread?
38:37Yeah, you're holding something.
38:38Now, that's a baguette.
38:40I hate it.
38:40Hey, that's it.
38:41It's a wet baguette.
38:43That's...
38:45Day-old baguette made by...
38:46I'm just wet.
38:47I just got wet.
38:48A West Auckland baker, I reckon.
38:50What's this?
38:51What else you got in there?
38:53What's this?
38:53Oh, what's that?
38:54Oh, we can't tell you.
38:55Day, take this off me.
38:56What is it?
38:56OK, well, baguette, water...
38:58Oh, gee, what is that?
38:59What is it?
39:00This feels like a soapy shiv.
39:02Might be something that goes in the water.
39:04Do you know what this feels like?
39:05There's two of them.
39:06Oh, this feels like...
39:07Hold on, I'm twiddling the ends on this one.
39:08Me too.
39:09You know what I feel like?
39:10Oh, this is a boat.
39:11Yeah, it's a boat.
39:12Oh, well done.
39:13It's a boat.
39:14A French boat.
39:16Don't forget water, boats...
39:18Crash them together, guys!
39:20Crash them together!
39:20Water, boat!
39:21And this is a three-week-old systema?
39:27Not relevant.
39:28Is that relevant to the story?
39:31It's America's Cup some shit.
39:33There's a boat crash in France.
39:34Yeah, there's the America's Cup.
39:36There's another clue in there, I think.
39:38There's no stuff that you haven't dealt yet.
39:39Towards the back of the boat, towards your side of the boat.
39:42I'm just getting fingers and wet.
39:43There we go.
39:44Here, die, hold it.
39:45What's that?
39:46That's you.
39:47That's me, that's my head.
39:48Oh, that's Abby.
39:50Not relevant to the story.
39:51Oh, it's not crape paper, no, it's tinfoil.
39:54Who's familiar with it?
39:55A foil?
39:55Is that like a yacht foil?
39:57Yeah, I've interned at Black Power before.
39:58This is a tinny.
40:04A foil is a thing on a boat, aren't you?
40:05Yeah, the foils on the boat.
40:07You know, get up on the foils, mate.
40:09What are you doing?
40:10No, because they do the, get up on the foils, mate.
40:12Okay, I'm getting a really, I mean, when I'm saying...
40:14We've got all the pieces, put it together.
40:16Boba, foil.
40:17Foil.
40:17America's can't marry.
40:18Yeah, French.
40:20Um, rainbow warrior, did that happen recently?
40:24What you're doing at the moment is called doing an anset.
40:27La Francais.
40:28Remember, they don't know my name.
40:32Doing a jack.
40:34Okay.
40:35Hey, Jack, when did you get here?
40:36Yes.
40:40Good to see you, bro.
40:44Okay.
40:47Give me a story, Di.
40:48The next America's Cup is being held in France.
40:51Oh, my God.
40:53Incorrect.
40:54I'll give you the real answer.
40:55Drama on the high seas, as you all know.
40:57The New Zealand black foils, the name of the boat,
40:59were forced out of the Auckland Sail GP
41:00after a high-speed collision with the French boat.
41:03So, black foils have had to switch to their backup option,
41:06which is Lisa Carrington in a canoe.
41:09Alright, team one.
41:11For points, team one, you can get the height.
41:13Supreme Halberg Award winner Hamish Kirk
41:15can jump 2.36 metres.
41:17Pretty high.
41:18Team two, you can have the height of two Dye Hemwards
41:21on top of each other, 3.3 metres.
41:23Hamish couldn't jump use.
41:25Team two wins and gets a star.
41:27Well done.
41:28There he is.
41:29Oh, no, you're right.
41:30He's both very well.
41:31Great game of Feel the News.
41:33For the first and last time you've seen that fantastic game,
41:37guess the insides of my box.
41:39I've got a few other special games
41:41I'd like to introduce you to this season in 2026.
41:43I can't wait.
41:44But it's time now for you at home
41:46to get your brains into gear
41:47for your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
41:50What is going on in this image?
41:52It is from 1995, 30 years ago,
41:55when Burger Fuel first started.
41:57Alright, hit us up on Instagram or Facebook
41:59with your crack-up answer.
42:00You could be taking home dinner thanks to Burger Fuel.
42:03Alright, break time now.
42:04When we come back,
42:05we are going to crown one of these teams
42:06the inaugural winner for 2026
42:08with Beat the Ding.
42:09See you soon.
42:17Oh, welcome back.
42:21For those of you who have just joined us,
42:23where the hell have you been?
42:24We're about to play our last game.
42:25You missed the bloody Jeremy special,
42:27like, guess what's in my box?
42:28Oh, it doesn't matter.
42:29I'm going to play Beat the Ding now
42:31where I put these comedians to the test.
42:32I make them list answers
42:34before I go to town on my dinger.
42:36Every successful dingy earns their team
42:39a potentially game-winning star.
42:41Alright, let's get dinging.
42:43Here we go.
42:43Former American President Barack Obama
42:45said aliens exist on a podcast this week.
42:49I agree.
42:50About time.
42:50Abi, you've got 13 seconds
42:52to name five American presidents
42:54in an alien voice.
42:56Andrew Jackson.
42:59George Washington.
43:01Beat bulb.
43:02Oh, I've got Fitzgerald.
43:06I mean, I mean,
43:07Franklin Roosevelt.
43:09And also, um,
43:11Obama and Ronald Reagan.
43:14That'll do.
43:15That'll do it.
43:16Yeah, well done.
43:16A star for you.
43:17Well done, Abi.
43:19Some Milo bars have been recalled
43:21after concerns the product
43:23may contain pieces of rubber.
43:24Not good.
43:25Rhys, ten seconds to tell me.
43:27In order, the definitive ranking
43:28of the top five chocolate bars in the world.
43:30Go.
43:31Ooh, okay.
43:32Number one with a bullet, Snickers.
43:34Uh, number two,
43:36I'm going to go Luxury Flake.
43:38Mm-hmm.
43:38Number three, uh,
43:40Whittaker's Peanut Slab.
43:41Number four, uh,
43:44Anything Caramello.
43:45Um, and number five,
43:47Kit Kat f***ing Nestle.
43:48Wow.
43:49Well done.
43:50Five of them.
43:50Star for Rhys.
43:51Give them a round of applause.
43:52Rhys.
43:53All right.
43:54These guys are making it look easy.
43:55It is not easy.
43:57Uh, it is, however,
43:58Chinese New Year,
43:59the start of the year of the horse,
44:00Dai.
44:00You have nine seconds
44:01to make up five horse names
44:03whilst commentating a horse race.
44:06Go.
44:06Coming around the corner,
44:07I've got Rumpel Foreskin,
44:08and you've got, um,
44:10you've got, uh,
44:10Hoppaw on the back
44:11with the, uh,
44:12two ladies gone fat.
44:13And you've got the, um,
44:14around the corner
44:15with the Fum Fum Bam Bam.
44:16And you've got Shuniqua,
44:18Tinsel,
44:19and Badang Dang.
44:20Badang Dang coming on your back.
44:25Which one's so good to be English?
44:27Badang Dang?
44:30Shuniqua,
44:31Shuniqua,
44:32Tinsel,
44:32and Badang Dang.
44:33That's so good.
44:34That's the trifecta,
44:35I believe,
44:35for the Melbourne Cup.
44:36That's so good.
44:37Well done,
44:38well done,
44:38Dyer Star.
44:40Oh,
44:40the flamethrower
44:41and the ring burner
44:42back on the menu at Burger.
44:43If you'll watch out
44:44for the Battle of the Burn,
44:44it's coming soon.
44:45Brinley,
44:46give you 14 seconds,
44:47that's a lot,
44:47to name five spicy things
44:49whilst your mouth is burning.
44:51Go.
44:52Chili,
44:54jalapenos fire
44:56the pits of hell
44:57and an STI.
45:05The pits of hell
45:06and an STI.
45:07Well,
45:08all right,
45:09Star for you,
45:10well done,
45:10Brinley.
45:10It is kakapo mating season.
45:12Jazzy,
45:1212 seconds to give me
45:13three pick-up lines
45:15for kakapo.
45:17Call the kakapo-lease
45:19because I'm too hot.
45:21I'm small and fat and green,
45:22love me.
45:23I'll rip your
45:24fucking windscreen wipers off
45:26but you'll love it.
45:33And that is why
45:34they're not good at breeding,
45:35I think.
45:36Yeah,
45:36it's great.
45:37Okay,
45:37we're going to give you that.
45:38Well done,
45:38the Star for Jazzy.
45:40A new trend has emerged
45:41this week,
45:41dark showering.
45:43It is,
45:43as it sounds,
45:44showering in the dark
45:45apparently helps you
45:46to get to sleep.
45:47Jack,
45:4715 seconds to shut your eyes
45:49and take us through
45:50your shower routine,
45:51please.
45:52Go.
45:52That is personal
45:54information.
45:55I start with the balls.
45:58I lather my whole body
46:01in the wash
46:02and I use
46:03a Lynx-branded
46:05one called
46:06Xbox Lift Your Game
46:07and I get in all
46:09the nooks and crannies
46:10and then I just stand there
46:11and drip
46:12because I apparently
46:13get too much water
46:14on the shower mat
46:15so I just sort of...
46:19That's good.
46:19You're getting yourself
46:20a star.
46:20Well done.
46:24All right,
46:24that is us.
46:25All we're sick to do
46:25is award our winner.
46:26Let's have a look
46:27at the star chart.
46:28Boy, oh boy,
46:28taking home the relic,
46:29that leaning tower of pizza.
46:31Hopefully you're not announcing
46:31they've been cheating
46:32on their partner
46:33at the same time.
46:33Team Toe!
46:34Well done.
46:39Well done to you
46:40for watching
46:41and now please join me
46:42in thanking
46:42Rhys, Jack, Brinley,
46:44Di, Abby and Jazzy.
46:46We'll see you in seven days
46:47on Seven Days.
46:47Good night.
47:01Thanks, New Zealand On Air,
47:02especially for funding
47:03my new segment,
47:04Jeremy's special game.
47:05Time for me to head home
47:06and play Jeremy's
47:08other special game.
47:09Oh.
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