- 7 minutes ago
First broadcast 10th/17th April 1988.
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Richard Wilson - Dicky Lipton
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Christopher Driscoll - Mr. Coates
Brigitte Kahn - Psychiatrist
David Barrass - Jack Thrush
Adam Gavzer - American Salesman
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
Jonas Gustavson - Leif Ericson
David Peart - Police Sergeant
Nicholas Colicos - Lieut. Scott MacKenzie
Cyril Saxon - Colonel Northcott
Charles Collingwood - Newsreader
Eiji Kusuhara - Japanese Newsreader
Graham Cole - Crucible employee
David Keyes - Ronnie
Adrian Gilpin - Marvin Dony
Clare Clifford - TV Interviewer
Richard Vernon - Lord Gilbert
Angus Barnett - Jezz
John White - Newspaper Hack
Charles Simon - Judge Hitchcock
David Keyes - Youth in Warehouse (as David Keys)
Nicholas Colicos - Lieut. Scott MacKenzie
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Richard Wilson - Dicky Lipton
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Christopher Driscoll - Mr. Coates
Brigitte Kahn - Psychiatrist
David Barrass - Jack Thrush
Adam Gavzer - American Salesman
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
Jonas Gustavson - Leif Ericson
David Peart - Police Sergeant
Nicholas Colicos - Lieut. Scott MacKenzie
Cyril Saxon - Colonel Northcott
Charles Collingwood - Newsreader
Eiji Kusuhara - Japanese Newsreader
Graham Cole - Crucible employee
David Keyes - Ronnie
Adrian Gilpin - Marvin Dony
Clare Clifford - TV Interviewer
Richard Vernon - Lord Gilbert
Angus Barnett - Jezz
John White - Newspaper Hack
Charles Simon - Judge Hitchcock
David Keyes - Youth in Warehouse (as David Keys)
Nicholas Colicos - Lieut. Scott MacKenzie
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Yes, we fully accept that the report was totally inaccurate, and we are printing a full apology in the next...
00:07Yes, we fully accept now that your grandmother was not a witch.
00:13And that your great-grandmother was never at any time a disciple of Count Dracula.
00:20Yes, and nor was your great-great-grandmother a one-eyed hunchback who was kept in the attic so not
00:26to price the table.
00:28Yes, I'm sure your family has undergone much distress.
00:31Yes, Your Royal Highness.
00:35Yes, we will. Goodbye, sir.
00:39Well, the Duke of Edinburgh was not a muse.
00:43Two weeks ago, I seem to remember saying that all royal stories should be treated with taste and sensitivity.
00:49We didn't think you were serious, Dickie.
00:51I didn't think I was serious? Of course I was serious when I say something. I mean it. Good God
00:55above.
00:56Why isn't it that one can't leave this office for one week to have a simple nervous breakdown?
01:01So we'd like to be back to this...
01:04...faradu of fiction.
01:05Now, for God's sake, let's get this bloody paper on the road.
01:10Now then, tomorrow's first edition, I take it, we'll be leading with the, uh...
01:14...Tamil Bomb Blast in Colombo. Where's a copy for that?
01:18A bit heavy for the front, isn't it, Dickie?
01:20Dead Indians with your cornflakes.
01:24It's a major international tragedy, Russell. What would you propose in this place? I suppose you've got some...
01:29Morning, Russell. Mr. Lipton's all there, as we discussed, I think.
01:33Thanks.
01:36Tinker Taylor, hello, sailor.
01:40The late Sir Reginald Tadworth, a former head of MI5 and close friend of George VI, was in his spare
01:46time a male prostitute.
01:48A new book out reveals today.
01:52As Reggie the rent boy, he used to hang around the Soviet embassy charging three and sixpence a spank.
02:00Important national security implications there, Dickie.
02:03Oh, yes. Like they were in last week's front-page headline, the one that claimed that Mahatma Gandhi was a
02:08Nazi.
02:10Do you give no respect for the dead of any kind, Russell?
02:13Well, we spiked the story about Gloria Honeyford.
02:17It is not funny, Russell.
02:19Dickie, we print these stories simply because everyone else prints them.
02:23If we didn't keep a head of the competition, we wouldn't have any readers left.
02:26Yes, we do always seem to know exactly what the others are about to print.
02:30I wonder how.
02:35I've been tragically rocked by emotional heartache, Doctor.
02:40Last night, my wife slammed me over my dramatic bid to launch an amazing probe into what we were having
02:44for tea.
02:45She then hit out, lashed out and blasted me in an amazing, major dramatic shock storm over the way I
02:51talk.
02:51Yes, well, your speech patterns have become somewhat distorted.
02:57I gather after working for two and a half years as proofreader on the news of the world.
03:03That's right.
03:04And last night, my wife, luscious leggy Linda, 33, faced some major blistering attack and, in a shock 11th hour
03:11flare-up, sensationally axed my beans on toast.
03:16Well, Mr. Coates, why don't you just resign?
03:19I can't.
03:20Someone's blackmailing me to stay on there.
03:23I can now exclusively reveal, as part of a dramatic bid in a hush-hush spy probe into the news
03:29of the world's amazing top secret story.
03:32Blackmailing you?
03:33Who is blackmailing you?
03:35Who is this person?
03:37What?
03:38Ah, Mr. Coates, we meet again.
03:40And who I make kettle her majesty's press.
03:43Mr. Coates, I'll have to ask you to come with me to assist with my enquiries.
03:47We shall see about that.
03:48No, no.
03:49I won't give you the green light to quiz me again to spill more major dramatic secrets.
03:54I won't do it.
03:55Mr. Coates, I think you'll remember this photograph, taken 25 years ago in the church vestry after choir practice.
04:03Oh, my God.
04:05Yes, it's quite an interesting one, this Russell.
04:07From what we can gather, the news of the world is about to pay a vast sum of money for
04:11certain goods believed to be American in origin, which are all set to cause a major world sensation.
04:16Goods? What sort of goods, Greg?
04:18I don't know, he jumped out of the window at that point.
04:21I think we can assume they relate to someone very well known.
04:24Are you still here?
04:26Get out!
04:28Get out of this building!
04:35I agree, Dickie, this morbid obsession with dead celebrities is profane and it's offensive.
04:40What we need in the media is a return to good Christian taste, for good Christian taste is the mint
04:47sauce on the Lamb of God.
04:49However, to business, as an ex-officio member of the board of Rathouse Leisure Industries, it's time that you were
04:57involved more in the wider sphere of our video and movie marketing.
05:01Now, these are the latest top-notch releases from the studio of 20th Century Rat.
05:07World distribution deals still to be tied up.
05:11Astro Driller Zombies 3.
05:16Galactic Vampire Massacre.
05:20Space Lesbian Chainsaw Lust.
05:24For 15 and over.
05:26We're holding press conferences at the end of this week.
05:29I'd like you to be there, Dickie, as my right hand.
05:32It'll be a good experience for you.
05:34Yes, I dare say.
05:35But I'm not sure...
05:36Excellent!
05:37They're in Japan.
05:38Our flight for Tokyo leaves in a few hours.
05:40No need to pack.
05:41The cars are all...
05:42No, no, I'm sorry, Mr. Rathbone.
05:43That's out of the question.
05:44I refuse to leave spam for an instant and that's that.
05:56This merchandise, how can I be sure it's genuine?
05:58Hey, listen.
05:59It's genuine.
06:00If you don't want to take it, I'll go right back to the news of the world.
06:03I'll take it.
06:04Not the price as we agreed on the phone.
06:09It's all yours.
06:32The Crucible Building in Stepney and careful how you go.
06:35We're carrying the most sensational purchase in newspaper history.
06:40Yo.
06:44I can't see a problem, Maggie.
06:46I mean, what have we got here?
06:47A family of a high court judge discovered at home with their throats all cut.
06:51As is the woman he's having it away with in Peckham.
06:54A lad across the road says he saw a great lumbering creature
06:58like some extraterrestrial from another world prowling around the girlfriend's house.
07:04A broom cream nerd, Russell, who's into telescopes.
07:07And sure enough, round the back of her place in the concrete
07:09we find a set of huge unearthly footprints.
07:13Well, there's your story.
07:15Hertfordshire Ripper came from Pluto.
07:18E.T. Bigfoot Clue sheds new light on Phantom Neckhack Fiend.
07:24What are you worried about? We get a libel writ from a space yeti?
07:28You've seen me notes, Russell.
07:30Don't you think some of this is a bit strange?
07:32Judge Hitchcock completely disappearing like that without trace.
07:37And for that matter, his dog, the Cocker Spaniel,
07:39which I notice has also never been found.
07:42Why two of the victims were found still sitting at a chess table,
07:46all the pieces still in place,
07:47and why the girlfriend's pet canary was found lying dead in its cage.
07:51I mean, the list just goes on.
07:53Well, alien visitors from another galaxy, who can say what happened?
07:57Look, Russell, just give me a few more days.
07:59I mean, let me at least get some kind of official confirmation.
08:02At the end of the week, Maggie, that's all.
08:04Well, we can't sit on a story like this for long.
08:07Well, get back here as soon as you can
08:11and make sure nobody sees what's inside that box.
08:13They might have a heart attack.
08:15Make sure no one sees what's inside what box.
08:17What's going on here?
08:19We're just organizing next week's bingo prize, Dickie.
08:22Incidentally, Dickie, while you're in Japan,
08:24don't forget to try the raw squid they say to me.
08:26I'm not going to Japan.
08:28Oh.
08:29I heard you were...
08:30I don't care what you heard.
08:32Now, you might explain how this
08:34managed to sneak its way down to place it up.
08:37Prince Edward to have sex change, question mark.
08:41That's a piece of harmless fun, Dickie.
08:43That's all.
08:44You take it to seriously.
08:45Unlike most of the royal princes,
08:47Edward can wear taffeta.
08:50But you'll avoid low-cut dresses
08:53until his breasts are fully developed.
08:59Two new ads up from this virus.
09:01All right, Jack, thank you.
09:02By the way, Mr Lipton,
09:04when you're in Japan,
09:05could you bring me back one of those new pocket televisions?
09:07They're only about...
09:08I'm not going to Japan.
09:09Where do people keep getting this from?
09:13Lipton.
09:14Look, where did you hear that?
09:17I'm not going there, do you hear?
09:18Under any circumstances.
09:20I'm not going to bloody Japan.
09:27Don't you change your mind, Dickie.
09:29It's just a shame they made such a cock-up
09:32of the flight arrangements.
09:34How awful that you should have been squashed up
09:37in the economy class for 25 hours.
09:40Big sick in a jiffy bag.
09:42Well, I'm forced to have an extreme luxury
09:44at the front of the plane.
09:47Champagne and beluga caviar
09:49are no lunches for a lifelong socialist, Dickie.
09:51Heads will roll at BA for this, I can tell you.
09:54Heads will roll back and step me, Mr Rathburn,
09:56if I find Spam's been up to any of his usual
09:58deviant tricks when I've been away.
10:01He gazed.
10:02It was a gazed three hours ago
10:03when I rang from the airport.
10:05He's up to something.
10:06I know he's up to something.
10:22She's the biggest one we've ever pulled off.
10:25Take it out, Jack.
10:28All the way from Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee,
10:30home of the late, great Elvis Presley.
10:35I don't believe it, Russell.
10:36Eh?
10:39His bones.
10:47What is this programme?
10:49You're enjoying it, Dickie.
10:51One of Japan's top game shows.
10:54This elderly couple in Mexico
10:56think that their hotel's been destroyed by an earthquake.
11:02But in fact, it's nothing but a...
11:05a rubber, uh...
11:07crazy stunt for the candid kamikaze team.
11:11I'm hoping to buy up the world TV rights.
11:15Could I...
11:15Could I have Russell Spam's office?
11:18Yes.
11:19Yes, I hope.
11:21Hurry back, Dickie.
11:22This one's a riot.
11:24A couple of holidaymakers in Rome
11:26who think they're being
11:27gunned down in cold blood for the mass.
11:30Yes!
11:32Yes!
11:33Look at that!
11:34How does this sound for the TV ad?
11:36Yes, it's true.
11:38Now you can be the owner of Elvis's Pelvis.
11:43Yes.
11:44With the bingo prize of the century.
11:47Fill your card with lucky numbers
11:49and you could be the proud possessor of the jawbone
11:53that sang Heartbreak Oter.
11:56Well, we'll splice a few clips from his movies together,
11:59add a page three girl digging up a grave
12:02and Bob's your uncle.
12:04Take that phone off the hook, Jack, will you?
12:06It's driving me mad.
12:08How do you do?
12:09How do you do?
12:10Dickie, I'd like you to meet Mr. Hieronymus Lipsky of ZFD.
12:15How do you do?
12:16How do you do?
12:16Mr. Globulus of the Tel Aviv distribution group.
12:21And Mr. Leif Ericsson of the Swedish Film Acquisitions Committee.
12:25How do you do?
12:25Mr. Dickie Lipton, who was once a distinguished TV celebrity in our country.
12:31Many of you may remember him from your visits to Britain.
12:35Aha, Lipton.
12:37I see you're William Lupita.
12:41I'm sure these gentlemen are more than anxious
12:43to see our new catalogue of top-class family entertainment, Dickie.
12:49Yes, where we have a wide range of delightful and absorbing films
12:53which we think will appeal to audiences right across the world
12:56comprising grisly grave robbers from hell,
13:03bloodbath of the alien slave bimbos,
13:08astro-driller Zombies 3,
13:12all very enjoyable movies.
13:19Seem to be no takers, sir.
13:25Look, this is, you know, a top-security U.S. Air Force base.
13:28You'll have to speak to our press officer, Lieutenant Merrick, because I...
13:31I didn't get on very well with Mr. Merrick.
13:33I never get on with any man whose neck is wider than his head.
13:38Yeah, I know what you mean.
13:39Look, that is immaterial. We have a procedure which has to be...
13:43Our editor wants to run a story saying the murders at Judge Hitchcock's house
13:47are the work of aliens from outer space.
13:52I know. Based on the fact that some loon of a neighbour
13:55thinks he saw a big creature loping around the scene of the crime.
13:59Well, I just thought if there had been anything weird, you know,
14:02you'd have picked it up on your radar stuff and...
14:05What's the matter?
14:07Jesus, I don't...
14:08Well, I guess this all ties in here.
14:10What all ties in?
14:11Well, about the time those murders happened,
14:14we were getting some real strange activity in the electromagnetic field.
14:18On several nights, we were picking up some kind of unidentified craft
14:21flying over this area.
14:22We don't have the faintest idea where it came from.
14:25Are you kidding? And what exactly did this kind of...
14:29Oh, jeepers, the hotline!
14:31Colonel Northcott, Red Alpha summons, Colonel Northcott.
14:34That's the top priority line for the commanding officer of this base.
14:37I don't recall the last time it rang.
14:38PHONE RINGS
14:42Northcott.
14:44Yeah?
14:47Yeah?
14:49What?
14:51Oh, right.
14:53It's for you.
14:57Hello, Russell.
14:59Yeah?
15:01OK. Well, I'll get right round there.
15:05Mustache.
15:13Yes, all right. I said, all right. I'll try again later.
15:20Yes, all right. I said, all right. I'll try again later.
15:32I'll try again later.
15:36I'll try again later.
15:37I'll try again later.
15:37I'll try again later.
15:38Mr. Rathbone!
15:40I just...
15:41See me! You better take the first plane back!
15:43Well, there's still time to put a stop to this.
15:46The time I'm finished with Spam, this time I'm giving his bloody bones away!
15:49I found anything interesting, have you, Sergeant?
16:08That's for you to guess, isn't it?
16:11Guess.
16:13Right, er...
16:14Wouldn't be, erm...
16:17Dead Cocker Spaniel, would it?
16:27How much do you know about all this?
16:29Can't you see how it all fits yet, Sergeant?
16:32You saw the bodies. Two of them were found murdered, sitting at a table.
16:37A complete chessboard still in front of them, every piece still in place.
16:40Now, don't you think that's a bit odd?
16:42In, er... what way?
16:44How could a man come into a room and cut both their throats without leaving any signs of disturbance?
16:50Unless, of course...
16:52Unless what?
16:54Unless...
16:56They were already dead in the first place.
16:59Already dead?
17:01Why would you want to cut someone's throat if they were already dead?
17:06Well, that's for you to try and guess, isn't it, Sergeant?
17:09Bye-bye.
17:12Right, then, the first prize is due to be won Monday.
17:16Now then, who's available to make the special presentation?
17:18We were wondering if we could get Lionel Blair.
17:20If we could get Lionel Blair, we wouldn't need the skeleton.
17:25Ma'am?
17:27Dickie who?
17:29Dickie?
17:30What?
17:31When?
17:32That's terrible.
17:34The hand of fate has this time struck a cruel blow indeed.
17:38It seems that Dickie was rushing back to congratulate us on our initiative
17:43in his plane had to make an emergency stop in Saudi Arabia.
17:46During a routine search of his baggage,
17:49officials discovered several copies of sexually violent videos,
17:54including Astro Drillers Zombies 3,
17:58and now according to strict Islamic law,
18:00he's been thrown into jail and sentenced to a public whipping.
18:03That's terrible!
18:06Now then, I wonder if Bob Monkhouse would be available.
18:09No, no, no.
18:18Dickie!
18:19I flew out as soon as I heard.
18:21How are you feeling?
18:23About as well as anyone would feel, would they be chained up at a dungeon and sentenced to 50 lashes?
18:29Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening.
18:33Dickie?
18:34Do you by any chance remember a little program we were watching in Japan
18:39where innocent members of the public were hoodwinked into thinking
18:43unspeakable horrors were about to befall them?
18:45A program called Candid Kamikaze.
18:51Don't be...
18:52Dickie, I've managed to buy up the world's TV and video rights to the former.
18:58Unfortunately, this horror couldn't be more real.
19:02It would be ripped in the main square at 10.30 tomorrow morning.
19:06Tomorrow? But I thought...
19:07Yes, they've put it back a day apparently to coincide with Princess Anne's royal visits.
19:11As soon as she heard the managing editor of the Crucible was to be publicly flogged,
19:15she immediately ordered ringside seats.
19:24A British newspaper man who was arrested yesterday in the Middle East
19:27has been tried and found guilty of offences against Islam,
19:31including the illegal importing of sexually violent films on video.
19:35And despite pleased by his solicitor for reprieve,
19:38the public whipping of the Crucible's managing editor,
19:41Mr. Richard Lipton, went ahead this morning in Saudi Arabia.
19:46Crucible proprietor, Mr. Terence Rathburn, commented,
19:48this is a sacrifice of the noblest order.
19:51.
20:13Come on, Gertz, there you go.
20:18Dickie!
20:19Yes, I am back.
20:21And yes, it's too bloody painful.
20:24Oh, Dickie was lucky the crucible lawyer got you off with ten lashes.
20:28It could have been much worse.
20:29If it wasn't for this appalling Elvis Presley's done,
20:32it's the most sickening, tasteless...
20:34I agree, Dickie, we cancelled the whole thing.
20:36And I order you to cancel the...
20:39Cancel it?
20:40Sorry, Dickie, haven't you heard the news?
20:42Oh, we had all the bones wired up for a photocall with Maggie Philbin,
20:46and that's when we discovered we'd been duped.
20:50It seems some unscrupulous con-merchant from the States
20:53sold us the bones of an African gorilla, claiming it was Elvis.
21:07Oh, brilliant.
21:09So what's next on the agenda, Russell?
21:13I know.
21:13We'll buy half a pound of Scragan and say it's Rod Stewart.
21:19Scarce has the scourge of Islam left your back,
21:21and here you are making priceless jests again.
21:24Fortunately, there is a silver lining I've just packed with the publishers,
21:27and they reckon that this new project will break all literary records.
21:32Blue suede swindle?
21:34A riveting insight by crucible reporters into the great Elvis Presley skeleton hoax.
21:40The Hitler Diaries meet the Piltdown Man.
21:44It'll be a bestseller, Dickie.
21:46We're already back in pocket from the advance alone.
21:50Don't take your pain to get away with this, Russell.
21:52Quite a part of all, the hideous publicity,
21:54and the fact that I've got to sleep on ice packs for the next six weeks.
21:58I'm still extremely angry I couldn't limp through to you on the phone when I was away.
22:03Oh, well, Dickie, you know transcontinental calls.
22:05You can't get through for love, no money.
22:07It's a total waste of spam.
22:10Yes, sir.
22:12Mr Rathbone in Japan would like a word.
22:17I thought you'd like to hear the good news, Dickie.
22:21The worldwide coverage of your flogging in Saudi Arabia
22:25has resulted in massive publicity for all our videos
22:29and are now so famous that orders are flooding in from all sides.
22:32Rumour has it that exports of astro-driller zombies alone
22:36will end up netting us the Queen's award for industry.
22:41Dickie?
22:42Is this a cross line?
22:43I thought I heard someone scream.
22:45Oh!
23:33Well, his shoulder has it.
23:36Oh, my God.
24:06If you were a gentleman, you'd see me to the door.
24:10No.
24:12Well, reporters from the Sun aren't gentlemen, are they?
24:15They're not even human beings.
24:25What have you found out about Hitchcock?
24:28Oh, piss off.
24:32Well, that's all very well, but the fact is that any news presentation will always be selective, laying you open
24:39to allegations of bias. You can't please everybody.
24:42Of course, I suppose the conventional image most people have as a tabloid editor is of some fat racist slob
24:49with an Australian accent. Marvin Doney, you are sub-editor on a well-known nameless newspaper. How accurate is this?
24:55Oh, totally inaccurate. And may I say, we're not at all racist on my newspaper. We merely like to give
25:03our readers what they want. A bit of spunky harmless fun.
25:08Harmless fun? I suppose that was harmless fun two months ago, was it, during the French lamb trade war, when
25:14you said the Sherman tank full of page three half-wist to Calais in a live shell accidentally blew up
25:20an orphanage and killed 27 children.
25:22Oh, come on, mate. French children.
25:27And what about the Crucible last week, giving away Elvis Presley's skeleton as a bloody bingo prize?
25:33If it wasn't for your newspaper plumbing the depths of bad taste in the first place, we would have to
25:38sink to those levels just to stay in the market.
25:41Bad taste? Coming from the bloke who whipped out his plunker on a kid's TV show.
25:46I did not whip out my plunker.
25:50I was in a state of nervous anxiety, and I was in a very difficult situation, and if that's not
25:55the issue here...
25:56Turn that racket off, for God's sake, and get back to work.
26:01Go on, Maggie.
26:04Uh, well, it's like some big jigsaw puzzle, really.
26:08First of all, we've got a High Court judge, Sir James Hitchcock, whose family are all found at home one
26:14morning with the throats cut.
26:15Well, Hitchcock's gone. Three weeks afterwards, we still don't know where he is.
26:20Next, the woman who's been seen in Peckham, Linda Copeland, is also found dead.
26:26So is her canary.
26:28And so, a few days later, is Hitchcock's dog.
26:31Well, that's seven deaths. Five people and two animals.
26:35What about this story as all the work of Aliens, the one that Spam wants to print out?
26:39Well, that started with Mr. Kevin Pooley, who lives opposite the girlfriend.
26:43He reckons he saw some big creature, like a yeti, near her house, which left huge footprints in the fresh
26:51cement.
26:53After which, a guy from the U.S. Air Base at Redway Sands, a Lieutenant Scott McKenzie, said he picked
27:00up signals from some kind of UFO near the judge's house in Hertfordshire.
27:05Hmm.
27:07If only I could get back inside the house.
27:10That'd be breaking and entering an illegal trespass.
27:14Be bloody careful.
27:20Everyone, I'd like to introduce a special guest this morning, Lord Gilbert, who is chairman of the Royal Commission, currently
27:26looking into standards and practice in the British press.
27:29I suggest we make him welcome.
27:31Would you care to occupy a chair, Lord Gilbert?
27:34And then carry on exactly as we would do if he weren't here.
27:39Now, tomorrow's splash, I thought we'd lead with the new ideological schism over segregation policy in South Africa, backed up
27:47by a four-page report on the prospects of a solution to the inter-Nissan political divisions in Pretoria.
27:54Excuse me.
27:55I'm always so sorry, everyone.
27:56I seem to have stumbled into the wrong room by mistake.
27:59I was looking for Russell Spam's office.
28:01Hey.
28:02Good morning.
28:04Oh, it is you, Russell.
28:05Are you feeling all right?
28:06Uh, never felt better, Dickie.
28:09Uh, the centre spread will, of course, be the review of, uh, modern prison policy.
28:14Is prolonged incarceration corrective, or does it generate a recidivist mentality among offenders?
28:22Uh, can you get me the first aid, nurse?
28:24I think Mr. Spam's having some kind of fit.
28:28I'm fine, Dickie, honestly.
28:31Now, uh, pictures on page three, of course, we have the tits.
28:35Checked.
28:37Yes.
28:40Together with the report on ornithological health hazards posed by eco-disruptions of ozone dissipation.
28:46Russell, what's going on?
28:48You've got a bit of the story about Princess Diana becoming a cannibal?
28:52After she was seen eating a jelly baby?
28:56Oh, by the way, Dickie, I don't think you've met Lord Gilbert here, chairman of the Royal Commission on the
29:01Press.
29:02Mr. Lipton, I wonder if you could spare me and my colleagues a short interview.
29:07Uh, uh, and by definition, any news presentation will always be selective.
29:14You can't please everybody.
29:16Yes, I heard you trot that one out on television.
29:19And I was about as impressed by it then as I am now.
29:23Mr. Lipton, can you honestly say that since you took over,
29:26The Crucible has published one single story of benefit to society?
29:29Oh, yes, hundreds.
29:32Name one.
29:36Well, there was the, uh...
29:41And we, uh...
29:45Well...
29:46Possibly not.
29:48But we are currently working on an extremely important expose
29:53that I am confident will have far-reaching implications for Western democracy.
29:57Oh, yes? What is that?
30:00Hmm?
30:04Um...
30:05I can't say at the moment.
30:07We haven't gathered all the evidence yet, so it's...
30:09Thank you very much indeed for your help, Mr. Lipton.
30:13Yes, and in any case, we also...
30:15Thank you, Mr. Lipton.
30:20Thank you, Mr. Lipton.
30:23How pleasant it is, Lord Gilbert, to have this little tete-a-tete
30:27before you go to press with your committee's report.
30:31Something has to be done about declining standards in the media.
30:36I will be honest, sir.
30:37It's going to make grim reading.
30:39If I might quote from our conclusions so far,
30:42the commission has found the tabloid press consistently guilty of
30:47factual inaccuracies,
30:49misquotations,
30:51tastelessness,
30:52vindictiveness,
30:54sensationalizing trivial issues,
30:56and trivializing important issues.
30:58Oh, I...
30:59Invasion of privacy,
31:00sexism,
31:01racism,
31:01jingoism,
31:02sadism,
31:03lurid exploitation of sex and violence,
31:06and so on and so on.
31:06I believe your committee is divided as to the solution, Lord Gilbert.
31:11Yes.
31:12Two of our members favor the setting up of a new press tribunal
31:15with powers to penalize offending newspapers,
31:18and, if necessary,
31:20sequestrate their funds.
31:22The other two,
31:23while critical of popular tabloids,
31:27feel it's up to the editors to be more responsible
31:29without the need for statutory controls.
31:31Which leaves you with the casting vote, Lord Gilbert,
31:35one which I'm sure would in no way be influenced
31:38by any offers of remuneration from interested parties.
31:45You appear to have dropped the key to your brand-new Porsche.
32:18I don't have a brand-new Porsche,
32:19but it's really loopy, and didn't know what he was talking about.
32:22The High Court's full of them.
32:24And he'd just give up with one big responsible story.
32:28That benefited society.
32:29I honestly believe it would tip the balance against this press tribunal they want to set up.
32:34Oh, we're all against the idea of a press tribunal, Dickie,
32:37but there are other methods of stopping it.
32:41Other methods?
32:42Well, suppose this Lord Gilbert were suddenly to be discredited in some way.
32:46Suppose Greg Kettle happened to find some dark, guilty secret...
32:49Greg Kettle?
32:50What have you got that man up to now?
32:51Oh, relax, Dickie.
32:53He's just making some routine inquiries.
32:55That's all just routine inquiries.
33:04That's about it on the confidential police records, I think.
33:06Nothing to go on there.
33:07Onward, I think, Jez, to the next one.
33:09What's going on here?
33:11Scotland Yard drug offenders, 1987.
33:14How on earth are you...
33:15Just checking a few files, isn't it?
33:16Using Jezzy's gizmo here,
33:18we're able to hack in via the phone to various computer records.
33:21Check in?
33:22But then you're searching through confidential records.
33:26So far, we've done the Scotland Yard drug squad, vice squad,
33:29parking offenders, BBSC, England revenue, undischarge, bankrupts,
33:33and, of course, the major credit rating files.
33:36There we are.
33:37There's the L's, you see.
33:39Good God, there's my name.
33:41Would you like me to raise your Barclay card limit?
33:44£20,000?
33:46You put that back.
33:47OK, Greg.
33:49Register of companies coming up now.
33:52Complete inventory of all UK company directors.
33:55Right.
33:56Let's see if he's here.
33:58Lord Gilbert.
33:59Lord Gilbert.
34:01Ah, there we are.
34:03Lord Gilbert.
34:04Director of something called Regina Requisites.
34:10Sounds promising.
34:12Right, if you'll excuse me, Mr Lipton,
34:14I think this firm could do with a little visit
34:17from Her Majesty's Press.
34:19Cheers.
34:20And no funny business, Greg, or else.
34:23I don't suppose you could get my name
34:25off the Reader's Digest mailing list.
34:28I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:34I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:38I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:40I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:43I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:43I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:44I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:45I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:46I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:47I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:50I don't suppose you could get my name off the Reader's Digest.
34:56I don't know.
35:28I don't know.
35:58I don't know.
36:32I don't know.
36:56Oh, no.
36:56My boss says you can't open any of these boxes without a search warrant.
36:59Quite correct.
37:00Have you got one?
37:02No.
37:03Uh, no.
37:05All right, I'll overlook it just this once.
37:07Go on.
37:08Thanks.
37:12All addressed to mail order customers, I see, in plain wrapping.
37:16What's in these pastels?
37:17Well, lots of different things, really.
37:19Oh, bugger it.
37:21I'll set them all off.
37:42You take your coffee, black or white?
37:46Lieutenant McKenzie from the air basin.
37:53You passed out on the stairs back there.
37:55I guess it was the shark.
37:58Is that really Judge Hitchcock in that bed?
38:00He's like a corpse.
38:02What's happened to him?
38:04What the hell's going on around here?
38:07Copy deadline in five minutes, Dickie.
38:09Where's Maggie's blockbuster story now?
38:11She promised she'd phone in.
38:13That isn't going to happen, Dickie.
38:16Our only chance to maintain the freedom of the press lies there in your hands.
38:22The secret shame of Lord Dildo.
38:28Lord Gilbert, chairman of the Royal Commission of the Press,
38:31is secretly the director of a firm that turns out kinky sex appliances.
38:39The fur-faced Pierre, who wants to clap down on our saucy fun,
38:44is himself an evil porn merchant peddling obscene items of pervary.
38:49Some of which, Blob,
38:52come with a selection of special extensions.
38:56Blob, take six U-2 batteries laid end to end.
39:04Blob, have a voltage adjuster for use in hot climates.
39:09It'll kill his report stone dead, Dickie.
39:13I mean, if you were suddenly to find out
39:14that Ludovic Kennedy was secretly running a brothel in Plymouth,
39:18you'd never take Did You See seriously again, now, would you?
39:26Maggie, how did it go? Did you get anywhere?
39:28Yeah.
39:30Oh, boy.
39:31Well,
39:34the murdered family of Judge James Hitchcock
39:37were killed when a deadly virus
39:39developed by American scientists for germ warfare
39:42escaped from a U.S. air base.
39:46The virus has been secretly deployed
39:49by the United States throughout Britain
39:51without the knowledge of the British government
39:54and in direct contravention of the existing world ban on biological weapons.
40:04Zetatoxin 100 is probably the most lethal germ in the world.
40:08It was genetically engineered in the States for military use.
40:11It spreads instantly through the slightest physical contact,
40:15interferes with the nerves and muscles,
40:17and within an hour or two, you're dead.
40:20Well, three or so weeks ago,
40:22a U.S. truck carrying supplies of the stuff to Redway Sands
40:26had a smash-up
40:27and a load of the seal tubes spilled out onto the roadside.
40:31Now, one of these was never found
40:33until Hitchcock's dog went sniffing round the bushes.
40:36Hitchcock took the tube home,
40:38rang up the air base to tell them what he'd found,
40:41and then went off to spend the afternoon with his floozy in London,
40:44leaving the tube with his wife.
40:46And the germ escaped?
40:48Well, the seal must have cracked during the smash-up.
40:50When the Americans arrived with their Yeti-look suits,
40:53all they found was four dead bodies.
40:56But Hitchcock had also caught the virus.
40:59Yes, but for some reason it didn't take immediate hold.
41:02He became a carrier without developing the disease.
41:06So, without knowing it,
41:07he sentenced his girlfriend to death that afternoon.
41:10She must have died just after he left.
41:12Along with her pet canary.
41:14Well, the dead animals really should have given us a clue.
41:17Anyway, when Hitchcock got back,
41:20the Americans carted him off to the air base
41:22where he couldn't spread the germ any further.
41:24Then, to divert suspicion,
41:26they took a knife to everyone's throat
41:28to make it look like the work of some kind of psychopath.
41:32Well, there never were any aliens.
41:34Mackenzie made up that UFO story
41:36on the spirit of the moment to pause off the sender.
41:37So, where's Hitchcock now?
41:39Still at the base?
41:40Until this afternoon he was,
41:42but it seems that after three weeks in his system,
41:44the Zetotoxin's finally taken hold.
41:47He's on the way out.
41:48He asked if he could go home to die.
41:51Of course, the American top brass said no.
41:53But Mackenzie, well,
41:55he felt the whole thing stank already
41:57and it was the least he could do.
41:58So, he snuck him back there today
42:00and he'll stay with him until,
42:02well, he probably won't last another 24 hours.
42:07Well, I think it's goodbye to Lord Do-Do, Russell,
42:10don't you?
42:12OK, Maggie, bash it out fast as you can.
42:15I'll need quotes from the airbase,
42:17the US Embassy, the MOD.
42:19Oh, this will mean a complete overhaul
42:21of two, three, and the spread.
42:24It's him, Mackenzie.
42:27Hello?
42:29Miss Troon?
42:29Jesus, I don't know what's happened.
42:31He's gone.
42:33Well, I left him upstairs in bed
42:35while I went to the john
42:36and when I came out,
42:37he'd just gone.
42:39I don't understand it.
42:40Gone?
42:41But he wouldn't have had the strength to walk.
42:44It's Hitchcock.
42:45He's left the house
42:46still carrying the virus, for God's sake.
42:49Russell?
42:50Yes, Mr Lipton?
42:51I think you'd better look at this.
42:52Front page of tomorrow morning's silence.
42:56Exclusive.
42:56We seize the hacking judge.
43:00Murder manhunt ends
43:01as our lads nab the beast of the old bae.
43:04In a dramatic 11th hour
43:05commando-star raid last night
43:07crack reporters from the sun
43:09tracked down
43:10and seized
43:11Judge James Hitchcock
43:13at his evil there in Hertfordshire,
43:16bringing him back to Wapping
43:18to await arrest by the police.
43:2127 journalists on the sun
43:23are horribly killed
43:24after contact with the lethal virus.
43:27The man they kidnapped,
43:29missing Judge James Hitchcock,
43:30dies in hospital.
43:33The full scandal
43:34of how American forces
43:35smuggled illegal biological weapons
43:37onto British soil.
43:39And in Washington tonight,
43:41the president calls
43:42an urgent meeting of his staff
43:43to find out whether or not
43:45he had any idea
43:46what was happening.
43:47Also in tonight's extended program,
43:49in the wake of today's
43:50sensational disclosures
43:51by the Crucible,
43:52the Royal Commission on the Press
43:53comes down
43:54against statutory controls.
43:56Their verdict?
43:57The tabloids must be left free
43:58to put their own house in order.
44:00I think it's clear
44:01that the Daily Crucible
44:03under my aegis
44:04has established itself
44:05as a pioneer
44:06of probing journalism.
44:08And I can assure
44:09the British public
44:10that following
44:10the very sensible decision
44:12by Lord Gilbert's
44:13Commission on Freedom
44:14and the Press,
44:15that from now on
44:16integrity
44:17and responsibility
44:18are assured.
44:21And careless inaccuracies
44:22is a thing of the past.
44:25Mr. Lipton,
44:26thank you.
44:27Now we move on
44:28to our report
44:29on the booming trade
44:30in mail-order
44:31sex appliances.
44:34Martin Wingate
44:35went to visit a man
44:36who manufactures
44:37these bizarre marital aids,
44:39Mr. Gilbert Lord,
44:40of Regina Requisites
44:42in London.
44:52Ladies and gentlemen,
44:53I come here today
44:54not to gloat
44:56over the hideous
44:57and horrific deaths
44:58of the editorial staff
45:00of a rival newspaper,
45:02for gloating
45:03over hideous
45:04and horrific deaths
45:05is the dose of clap
45:07in the affairs of men.
45:09Or does it afford me
45:11one jot of satisfaction
45:12to observe
45:13that large sections
45:15of the British public
45:16in their ignorance
45:17have decided
45:18to stop
45:19buying the sun,
45:21believing it
45:22to be contaminated
45:23with the deadly virus
45:25that killed its reporters.
45:29There is no evidence
45:30whatever
45:31to support
45:32such a ridiculous idea.
45:35And now,
45:36as the marble doors
45:38of this
45:38special memorial tool
45:41close for all eternity,
45:44let us pray
45:45for the 28
45:47departed colleagues
45:49of this
45:50fine,
45:52distinguished newspaper.
45:57The oration
45:57was one of your
45:58very best,
45:59Mr. Rathbone.
46:00A banquet
46:01for the eardrums.
46:02Thank you, Russell.
46:03Incidentally,
46:04I thought it was
46:0427 bodies,
46:05not 28.
46:06No, no,
46:07definitely 28 bodies.
46:09The man who arranged
46:10them in the tomb
46:11told me quite distinctly.
46:12Oh, right.
46:13By the way,
46:15have you seen
46:16Dickie around at all?
46:18Oh, not since he collapsed
46:19in a dead faint
46:19from heat exhaustion
46:20earlier this afternoon, sir.
46:23Oh, well.
46:23I expect he'll
46:26turn up.
46:28Well,
46:29any news
46:30on the Princess Diana
46:31story?
46:32Well, Greg's
46:33interviewing some
46:34cannibals now, sir,
46:35for their
46:36professional comments.
46:37Oh,
46:39excellent.
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