- 3 hours ago
Free Bert - Season 1 - Episode 02: Wearing Thin
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00:09this guy's got a small dick you know the kind of guy that drinks with a straw and pisses sitting
00:28down now i think that was taken just a little out of context and if you back it up there
00:33was a little
00:34i think we've seen enough that was extremely triggering no that was downright offensive
00:40yeah okay now i can take it my penis is obviously much bigger than this this man here is suggesting
00:46and i can prove that easily if need be but to have to watch my wife wake up to an
00:53email chain
00:54where this disgusting video is being passed around to all the parents everyone bird i feel violated me
01:02too there's a clear no cell phone policy in that club that's we should be looking for wait wait
01:06i'm sorry that's your issue here oh maybe we just call it a wash since we were all violated equally
01:12you know what it is i actually feel unsafe this man is a bully i'm the bully yeah whoa whoa
01:19stop
01:19writing what are you writing down i can't disclose that something has to be done here miriam maybe
01:25it's best if mr kreischer stays off campus for a while and georgia does her work from home for a
01:31few
01:31days just until things blow over does that work for you guys yes thank you miriam what the
02:01this is ridiculous guys how much longer are we going to stay mad at each other yeah what the
02:05is wrong with you guys isla i will leap across this table and do what you need to apologize to
02:12them him apologize that guy for what for having an inspired set someone comparing to an early richard
02:20prior or am i apologizing for exercising my first amendment right are we taking away the freedom of
02:24speech now is that what we're doing what are we even talking about bert what she just got kicked out
02:29of
02:29school yeah and you got banned from campus oh i'd like to see them enforce that well they do have
02:34security guards who carl and sanjay you think i couldn't whip those fools thank you isla i ran
02:40naked with the bulls in pamplona i'll blow the doors off two rennicops from beverly hills whether you
02:44can or can't and i would argue you 100 cannot that is not the point well what's the fucking point
02:50the
02:51fucking point is you need to stop and find something else to focus on okay like anything else you can
02:57focus on me guys i got a ton of shit to dump on your plate wait what's going on what
03:01kind of
03:01shit are you dealing with all i'm asking is for you to try to behave like a normal person is
03:09that
03:09too much for you it's a big ask wait where's she going georgia wait where are you going to clean
03:15up your
03:28mess
03:29hey you are beautiful do you hear me you can't let them change you
03:37you can't let any of these motherfuckers change you when you're fighting a bull
03:44you don't run away from it you run right the fuck at it
03:58her tits are flawless i mean
04:00i think if she had more sense of tits she'd be a tolerable person
04:07that last one wasn't actually bad yeah that was a good joke it was a good joke but she was
04:13upset
04:13this is exactly what i was hoping to avoid oh the ugly side oh there you go now you're getting
04:19it but
04:19tell me those two phony motherfuckers didn't deserve to get lit the fuck up of course they did but do
04:25we
04:25always have to be the ones to do it yeah but if we don't do it who's gonna do it
04:28uh maybe no one at least
04:31not yet so what you're saying is people get to do retarded shit and we can't call them on it
04:36and
04:37make them feel like assholes for it it's just a pitch okay look where it's gotten us headmaster's
04:42office suspension our daughter hating you i mean this is not worth it it's not right
04:48uh-uh we just need to bite our tongues until we settle in and then we get to light people
04:56up yeah sure
05:12good morning
05:17hey hey
05:22i'm sorry okay i may have overdid it a little bit
05:28shut the fuck up isla can you forgive me it's fine just don't let it happen again hold on it
05:36was
05:36that easy you don't hate me no oh she's way past that now that zach koshkis started dm-ing her
05:44how
05:45would you know that unless you went through my phone i went through your phone bitch how do you know
05:49my
05:49password stop stop stop stop isla stop it isla zach koshkis dm'd you like zach koshkis kirsten
05:55vander fox boyfriend zach koshkis oh that's so done where have you been he invited george over to
06:01watch a movie whoa what's he want with you really no i didn't mean like that i meant like what's
06:06he
06:06want with you like what's he want with you what no baby no i'm just saying like he doesn't give
06:11you
06:12the time of day and then all of a sudden he invites you over to watch a movie okay sounds
06:15a little suspect
06:16doesn't it it does raise some red flags okay okay well maybe he likes me have you ever considered
06:21that it crossed my mind for a second but it seems so absurd i just completely moved on from it
06:28get
06:28out of my room yep get up isla let's go hey great job on the dms maybe he just likes
06:35her this is zach
06:36koshkis we're talking about okay kids are shoeing for mr barklage he could pull any girl in that class
06:42what's he want with our daughter wait a second oh this should be good her virgin hands what think
06:50about it he doesn't know her name two days ago i go on a live stream it blows up obviously
06:54i say she's
06:55never given a hand job word gets out it spreads like wildfire boom she's every middle school boy's
07:00fantasy really wouldn't they want experienced hands he's already got one experienced hand what's
07:05the fun in that he invites her over to watch a movie come on how transparent is that kids don't
07:11watch
07:11movies these days hon he's setting her up for a total jerk-a-thon god damn it he thinks he's
07:16slick
07:17he doesn't know who he's fucking with i would think that he would want experienced hands what have i done
07:22now every boy in that class is going to want to plant their flag in her palms
07:25we gotta get in front of this do we gotta baby close your eyes okay do you remember the day
07:34georgia
07:34was born and the nurse laid her on your chest and it was just the three of us i don't
07:39know where georgia
07:39took that little baby hand and she reached up and stroked your face yeah now imagine that hand
07:44wrapped around zach hotchkis's cock come sticking between her fingers teenage jizz just in her palm on
07:51her knuckles in her fingernails that's what we're up against leanne oh god oh you're right yeah i need
07:57to stop this there she is oh let's go come on
08:10put that phone down immediately what why you heard him you put it down we're nipping this in the bud
08:16you're not going to zach hotchkis's house you can text him that i'll wait you just told me to put
08:21it
08:21down you can pick it up and then you text him and you just put it right back down right
08:26i can't go to
08:26my friend's house to watch a movie that's ridiculous that's what you think this is all about well what do
08:31you think it's about dad well we were wondering if maybe zach has ulterior motives like he wants to do
08:40a
08:40handjob for you isla we can take it from here is that really what you think that's where all the
08:44information
08:45i have is leading me yes well maybe you're right maybe that is what he wants and maybe that's what
08:53he's gonna get excuse me hey you started this it's up to me to finish it or finish him whatever
09:00you prefer
09:00oh i prefer neither of those damn it well that backfired yeah i know isla yeah what's the move now
09:10captain
09:12where's this little shit live beverly park gated guard house hole nine it's gonna be tough
09:18fuck all right i'll shake him down to school no you're banned maybe i could try talking to my pickup
09:24or something what the fuck's that gonna do we gotta scare the shit out of this kid can you
09:28get me a schedule don's on wait how are you even gonna worry about it okay look this is what
09:32we just
09:32talked about we can't get into any more trouble hey these are extenuating circumstances remember
09:38baby jizz hands oh okay baby what don't worry about it listen i will be in and out so quick
09:42they won't even know i'm there okay what about the guards isla what do we know carl and sanjay clock
09:48in at 6 a.m sanjay takes his lunch at 11 45 leaving carl alone for anywhere between 30 to
09:5745 minutes
09:58depending how long sanjay's in the shitter after eats and that's our window
10:13what the fuck am i doing okay
10:23hi girl hey mrs chrysher you forget something oh yeah well i don't know if you heard but georgie got
10:31suspended so i'm just here picking up some of her we got your husband's picture up in here oh yeah
10:36you
10:36don't need to worry about him he will not be anywhere near here he got your message loud and clear
10:47um what uh hey i you know i was what um time do you get off carl oh mrs chrysher
10:56what about your husband oh don't worry about him we don't need me thinking about him oh okay
11:30hey what are you doing here hey god damn it what happened to the 30-minute comp
11:36carl come in call bird chrysher is on campus i repeat bird chrysher is on campus
11:41come in sorry where were we
11:51carl come in
12:15you're george's dad damn right i am you've been poking around her dms lately why the sudden interest
12:21what do you mean she's cool cool cool like a pair of inexperienced clammy hands
12:28huh let me tell you what i know you never want to be on a dad's bad side where he
12:33feels like he can't
12:34communicate with you anymore so he has to break into your house in the middle of the night and
12:38strangle you in your bed now let me tell you what you don't know i have a desert eagle 50
12:44caliber and
12:45sometimes when i get really drunk i like to hold it next to a pillow and pretend it's a little
12:49boy's
12:49head mr chrysher hey doc how you doing what are you doing on campus oh i'm just chatting to my
12:55boy
12:55zach here isn't that right zach you're threatening me what threatening you buddy that's locker room
13:01talk god kids these days are so soft go to class i'll see you later buddy
13:12sorry dr jeff he passes by somehow
13:15it's okay sanjay he's here to see me
13:19you sure carl should be on his way we have zip ties and everything zip ties i would love to
13:24see
13:25you try to put a zip tie on me big boy oh i'll get this on you and then i'll
13:29go to town on your ass
13:30oh you'll go to town on my ass jeff do you hear what he's saying to me nobody's going to
13:34town on
13:34anybody's ass i'll take it from here sanjay yeah he'll handle it from here sanjay
13:53why don't you come to my office
14:00what you got going on tonight oh probably just you know
14:04plan different schools oh i gotta go thank you so much bye
14:13damn
14:18is this related in any way to the kirsten beatdown you took the other day i wouldn't exactly say it
14:24was a beatdown look like one from where i was sitting you're nothing with your shirt on
14:29that cut deep didn't it no no it didn't not at all this whole shirtless thing
14:38where does it come from why is it so important to you why do people keep bringing this up well
14:43you kind of lead with it pretty hard it's just me it's like freedom and fun and and
14:49everyone else and who gives a middle finger to the world i don't give a
14:52fuck what anyone thinks type shit what if i said it's all a defense mechanism like you actually do
15:00give a fuck and you desperately want to fit in so you intentionally sabotage yourself so that
15:06no one else gets to decide the shirtless rebellious fat party guy is what everyone wants you to be
15:19who does bert want to be i don't know i never thought about it well maybe it's time you did
15:29maybe it's time you tried something new
15:33like what for example instead of waging war with a teenager maybe you try a more mature approach like
15:41sitting down with his parents getting them hammered find their weakness use it against
15:45them i'm smart i like that no no no no no no one's going to be impressed with how much
15:49beer you can
15:50chuck have an honest conversation be open be vulnerable people really do that and talk less
15:59much less and listen ask questions show interest in their lives that sounds fucking crazy you want your
16:08daughter to fit in right maybe it starts with you fitting in blending in and living life
16:15with your shirt on
16:21wow
16:27there's a huge fucking note doc yeah it's a total rethink it's like asking gallagher to stop
16:33smashing watermelons no that's not at all like asking carrot top to lose the trunk of toys
16:40these are horrible comps well the point is your thing's not working so why not make an adjustment
16:47start small something with sleeves and buttons
16:57something like this wait something like that or that go on take it for a spin
17:32you can i help you you're randy hodgis zackstad i'm i'm bert kreischer oh my god i didn't recognize
17:40you with a shirt on and not insulting people at a comedy club that's fair i deserve that
17:48i don't know can i come in thank you so much what a beautiful boy yeah you have here
18:00there you go thank you yeah
18:09so what's up well uh i don't know if you heard of this brewing romance between uh your son and
18:17my
18:17daughter but i thought you know the best way to deal with something like this is to sit down man
18:22to
18:22man and just talk about it like two adults well i appreciate that yeah i mean if i've learned anything
18:30from this van der thal debacle they said the best way to approach relationships is to be honest and
18:37open and just be vulnerable huh makes a lot of sense you know what i always say if we're not
18:45going
18:45from our mistakes why are we even making them totally yeah what's that from who said that just me
18:53just now wow good for you yeah so i was wondering if maybe
18:58you could sit down and talk to zach maybe say you know george is a little young to be dating
19:06sure i could talk to him he's just been pretty emotional lately i don't want to pile on oh
19:16what's going on
19:19what's going on it's uh
19:23nah i probably shouldn't talk about it you you can if you want
19:32be vulnerable huh that's my motto it's just uh
19:43zach's having surgery in a couple of weeks and he's uh
19:49he's very nervous about it all right i'm listening
20:04zach was actually born without a scrotum
20:08mm-hmm which prevented his testicles from dropping since they had nowhere to go
20:14sure that makes sense so the the doctors had to had to construct this artificial sack
20:19mm-hmm yeah which held up fairly well till a couple of months ago till the the lining started to
20:25tear
20:25jesus christ yeah so now unfortunately he's gonna have a top to bottom scrotal reconstruction and his
20:30second orchopexy number two you believe that what's an orchopexy so that's the procedure when they they
20:36staple the nuts to the sack and then they staple the sack to his inner thigh you know just to
20:42to to
20:43induce the drop you know it's oh my god yeah yeah yeah actually feels good to to get that out
20:55thank you
20:55for listening not a lot of people do that anymore yeah i love listening sometimes i like you better
21:03than talking it's just who i am
21:08okay so you just sound out the letters of the word okay look what does that say i see are
21:15you
21:15kidding zach blocked me huh why is the p even there oh the p is silent baby just you know
21:21something
21:21who the decided that hello oh hi i've been texting news everything okay yeah absolutely perfect
21:31what's with the shirt yeah where'd you find that what this yeah i'm trying out a new look what do
21:37you
21:37guys think why if it ain't broke it is broke you know what you're right honey i may have come
21:46in hot
21:47the other day and overstepped a little bit but if you want to date zach you should date zach
21:54what's going on are you with me mom is he with me again i honestly don't know sweetie no i
22:01just took a step back and realized you have great judgment and hey i trust you okay so hypothetically
22:12if i were to decide to let's say give zach a hand job you'd be fine with that hey if
22:19that's what the
22:19moment calls for and zach obviously is physically able to receive said hand job then go for it
22:29it doesn't matter anyway because he's not texting me back guess he came to the census huh shut the
22:33up isla no one likes your voice i'm obviously it's okay you shat us
22:42okay okay okay okay sit down right now okay what is going on
22:50zach hodgkiss doesn't have a scrotum what oh i mean he had one but it was artificial and it
22:57ruptured or something and now they have to build him a new one what do you mean he has an
22:59artificial
23:00scrotum i don't know i'm not a fucking doctor leanne jesus christ his nuts didn't have anywhere to go
23:04they never drop so they gotta build a sack so they have somewhere to go but i think you're missing
23:07the
23:07point what is the point the point is it is a very long road to a hand job for this
23:12kid
23:14oh right we get to look like cool supportive parents the whole time knowing no one's jacking
23:18anyone off wow oh it's like a gift from god i know how did you find this out his dad
23:25told me what
23:27yeah i put on dr jeff's shirt went over his house had an adult conversation the dude ended up crying
23:32on my shoulder dr jeff's shirt yeah this is dr jeff's shirt i went to his office he has a
23:36ton of them
23:37it's like he's obsessed with them it's all this idea and guess what randy hodgkiss
23:40fucking loves me and he's gonna put in a good word with the vanderfox for us
23:45yeah yeah okay who's the ugly side now not this guy i can't believe i've been doing it wrong for
23:52so
23:53long it was so easy how about we keep the shirt on oh and i show you my scrotum yeah
23:59this is the change
24:01i needed
24:05and it's long overdue
24:09the old bird a thing of the past this is who i am now
24:44what do you think of the past this year let's share a little bit of the past this year
24:49that's a little older than me but didn't do that one of the past that said
24:51you know
24:51how about we going to find a major contract in the past this year
24:51what are we going to do to see if we go ahead and redesign our aluminum
24:51you're going to need to know down this year
24:51this is the old bird a thing that's the one that takes to go on
24:53and you know so we need to get one man
25:01if we want to make sure that we can manage that
25:01we're going to put in a virtual reality
25:01and I was going to have to come back and we're going to try
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