- 23 hours ago
مسلسل Nobody Wants This مترجم - Episode 1
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00:27Morgan, I asked you to park down the street.
00:29Hey, I'm not your chauffeur, and I needed cash, so...
00:32Who even uses cash?
00:33Mom always says when the world ends, you better have cash.
00:36Can we please walk? I don't want him to come out here and find me.
00:38Okay, okay.
00:39Wait, so what happened in there?
00:40Okay, he seemed totally normal while we were messaging each other.
00:43Then we sit down for a drink, and he starts crying about how his grandmother died.
00:47Oh, that's sad.
00:48No, Morgan, when he was 12, he said it was, quote, still wrong.
00:52Okay. A little bit much.
00:54Oh, my God. He's texting me, asking me where I went. What a psychopath.
00:57Wait, did you not tell me where you went?
00:58I just met this guy. I have to tell him every move I make?
01:01Oh, my God. Save it for the podcast, Joanne.
01:03I'm sorry. Am I the asshole?
01:05No, no, no, no, no. No, grandmas die. Like, you know, that's like their thing.
01:08Anyway, this guy's grandma had a really good life.
01:11She was a rockette. She spent 42 years with her soulmate, William.
01:15And I shouldn't know so much about this woman, because I was on the date for 30 minutes.
01:19Okay, can I just say what everyone's thinking? Be my guest.
01:21Okay, great. Thank you. We've done this podcast for, like, what, 119 episodes?
01:26And this story you're telling, it just sounds, like, very familiar.
01:30I have never dated a guy who was in love with his grandma before.
01:32No, babe, I'm talking about, like, you know, when you find a nice, normal guy and you find fault with
01:36him.
01:36It's like, I don't know if you actually want to meet somebody.
01:39Yes, I do.
01:40Okay.
01:40Remember Greg? I dated him for eight months. I was utterly obsessed with him.
01:44Yeah, I do remember him, and he did not acknowledge you in public.
01:47Yeah.
01:48Which is maybe what it takes for you to like someone.
01:50Hmm.
01:53Someone who's emotionally unavailable.
01:54Yes, Morgan, we all understood what you were saying.
01:56Okay.
01:58Alright, I could make healthier relationship choices.
02:02And I will.
02:03Great.
02:04Going forward.
02:05I mean, he literally had a photo of him and his grandma on his profile.
02:09The signs were there.
02:10Yeah, that's on me.
02:14He's been chasing, he don't chase the moon.
02:21Is it because you've been running?
02:27Hey, I have to tell you something. I don't want you to overreact.
02:31Oh, shit. What is it? Is Esther cheating on me?
02:34Whatever, I'll stay with her.
02:36No, you have to stop letting mom cut your hair.
02:40Why?
02:41Because you're an adult man. It's sad.
02:43Is somebody jealous?
02:45I just don't look like myself when she doesn't cut it.
02:48We're back.
02:49We're back.
02:50Hi.
02:51Hey.
02:51Okay, the game has not started yet.
02:53Good, good, good.
02:54Good?
02:54For me.
02:55For you.
02:57Hi.
02:59This is for you.
03:00Yes.
03:01Let's do this.
03:02Oh, you know what? Let's just eat out of the boxes.
03:04I'd really rather use plates.
03:07Okay.
03:07Oh, so I tried to convince Esther to come over, but, you know, I lost her as soon as I
03:11said we were watching the game.
03:12Oh, that makes sense.
03:13There we go.
03:15What's on your hand?
03:16Do you...
03:18Um...
03:18Oh, it's an engagement ring.
03:20Whoa, did you guys get engaged?
03:22No.
03:23No.
03:25I, um...
03:27Okay.
03:28So I, like, randomly found it.
03:30It's so weird.
03:31A few months ago, in, like, the bottom drawer of your desk...
03:35The desk that was locked?
03:37Yeah, that one.
03:38But it's so funny because I also, like, randomly found the key.
03:42I don't know how, but...
03:43Rebecca.
03:44Yeah, no.
03:45You can't go around unlocking all my stuff.
03:47It's a violation of privacy.
03:49You were clearly gonna propose anyway, and I don't really know what's taking you so long.
03:53So now we can just, like, skip past the whole will you marry me part, because I say yes.
03:58But that part was my whole part.
04:01I wanted it to be romantic.
04:02I was gonna take you to that place in Santa Barbara you like.
04:05You know, I heard it's, like, really run down now.
04:08Okay.
04:08Oh, yeah.
04:09No, I read that, too, that it's, like, the whole place smells like seawater, you know.
04:13I'll let you guys finish up.
04:15Speaking of places, I spoke to your mom, and we found this wedding venue.
04:19You talked to my mom about this?
04:21I always talk to your mom.
04:23Oh, my God.
04:24That's not okay.
04:25Noah, I don't understand what the disconnect here is.
04:28You don't?
04:28I don't.
04:29Hon, we're together, then we get married.
04:32It's just not that complicated.
04:34I don't know.
04:34It seems like you're checking off items on a list, and I...
04:38I don't think that's how it should feel.
04:39I don't know what it is that you were, like, expecting to feel.
04:44But this, this is it.
04:47Okay?
04:47This?
04:48This?
04:49This is the feeling.
04:56I'm sorry, Beck.
04:56I don't think it is.
05:06I'm sorry, Beck.
05:11I don't think it is.
05:12Of course.
05:13Special occasion?
05:14It's our anniversary.
05:15Aww.
05:16Of the day they got separated.
05:17Why do we do this every year?
05:19Because some divorces are meant to be celebrated.
05:21Unlike yours.
05:22Meanwhile, this one and I were together for 32 beautiful years.
05:27We only separated because he was a bit confused about his sexuality.
05:30I'm not confused, Lenny Bear, 100% sure.
05:33It's very trendy to be gay these days.
05:35Wow.
05:35Are you gay?
05:36You cannot ask someone that.
05:37No, you can't do that.
05:38You don't out someone.
05:39You can...
05:39You saved yourself.
05:40Don't answer that.
05:41I'll be back with your desserts.
05:42Thanks, Ansem.
05:43I've been meaning to tell you all.
05:45I went to the doctor the other day, and she discovered something awful.
05:50What?
05:51I noticed that the second you walked in, your skin is this awful blue.
05:55Take a look.
05:55Please, put the phone away.
05:55What's wrong?
05:56I went to see Birch.
05:58Who the fuck is Birch?
05:59Oh, my God.
05:59Birch is her sound therapist.
06:01Okay, she is not a doctor, Mom.
06:03We thought you were telling us you had cancer.
06:04Don't do that.
06:05She's a voice biologist.
06:07And she discovered that when I speak, I'm missing the note C.
06:11Okay.
06:12The note C is directly related to your colon, and the colon is directly related to...
06:19Guess it.
06:21Deep sadness.
06:22Okay.
06:23Mom, we have a diagnosis.
06:24You've got to stop going to this woman.
06:27It's a New York area code.
06:28Bless your heart.
06:29How much do you...
06:29About the podcast.
06:30Oh, my God.
06:31But I'm not going to get it here.
06:32I need you to move.
06:34I need you to get the phone.
06:34Hey.
06:36What are you doing?
06:37Get out of the way.
06:38Everyone move.
06:39Hold on.
06:40Hold on.
06:41Yes.
06:41Hi, James.
06:42I can hear you.
06:42Hi, Joanne.
06:43Should we grab your sister, or does that not matter?
06:46She's right here with me.
06:47Hi.
06:47I matter.
06:48Hi, James.
06:48We've been tracking your podcast since we last spoke, and it seems like time to discuss
06:52possible acquisition.
06:54Oh, my God.
06:55We need to be sure your numbers keep rising, but everyone over here loves your dynamic and
06:58how you engage with your fans, so keep that up and everything should fall to place.
07:02We will.
07:02We will.
07:02And this show has legs for a spin-off and a book deal.
07:05I actually have an idea of something we could produce our bear bear.
07:07Will we get nice offices?
07:09Okay.
07:09I got to jump.
07:10Talk soon.
07:11Great.
07:12Thank you, James.
07:13Bye.
07:24Hi.
07:25Sleeping Beauty.
07:26What are you doing?
07:27Working.
07:28It looks like you're in bed.
07:30The world is my office, Ashley.
07:32Must be nice.
07:33I'm just working on this ad packet for the podcast.
07:36Feels like you could be doing that from bed, but we all have our own process.
07:39Can we focus?
07:40Joe, are you coming here tonight for the dinner party?
07:44Who's gonna be there?
07:45Bunch of lesbians?
07:46No.
07:47Not as many as usual, but some potentially interesting guys for you.
07:51A divorcee with a young kid.
07:53You know, a finance guy and a rabbi.
07:58Oh, I thought you were starting a bad joke.
08:00Um, they all sound terrible.
08:03I'll be there.
08:04Perfect.
08:04Dress like a huge slut.
08:05Great.
08:06I'll borrow something from your mom.
08:07My mom's dead and you know it, ya bitch.
08:09You didn't even like her.
08:10Bye.
08:11Bye.
08:20Honey, I'm home.
08:22Finally.
08:24Mwah.
08:25Ew.
08:25Not gay for you.
08:27Okay.
08:27I tried.
08:28What is this?
08:28What are you wearing?
08:29It's disgusting.
08:30Two words, chinchilla.
08:31Okay, this is a cry for help.
08:33I don't know.
08:33I found it in the back of my dad's closet, so maybe.
08:35Hi, everyone.
08:36I'm Joanne.
08:38You can relax.
08:39It's fake.
08:41She bites.
08:42Rabbi.
08:50Hi.
08:51Hi.
08:52Oh, can you hand me that Crocs can?
08:53Sure.
08:54Here, let me open that for you.
08:55Oh.
08:59Although, uh, you sure you should be drinking?
09:02You seem to be going through something.
09:04Oh, no.
09:05I'm just in constant need of attention.
09:06I respect that.
09:07I also like attention.
09:08I say I don't, but I do.
09:11You do, right?
09:12Doesn't matter what I do.
09:12Doesn't it feel good to say it out loud?
09:14Yeah.
09:15Yes.
09:15Yes.
09:16Sorry, I'm cute.
09:17I like when people notice.
09:18There you go.
09:19You are cute.
09:20I notice.
09:21See, I know.
09:22You know what else feels good?
09:24To, um, say something embarrassing like the second that you meet someone.
09:27Okay.
09:27I'll go first.
09:28Um, oh, I had this clear mole removed from my face that no one ever noticed right here.
09:33And now the scar is, I think, way more noticeable than the clear mole ever was.
09:38I feel like it's all anyone staring at.
09:40That's the first thing I noticed when you came in.
09:41Is it gross?
09:42Brutal.
09:43Oh, God.
09:43Yeah.
09:44No, I don't see it at all.
09:45Um, something embarrassing for me?
09:47Mm-hmm.
09:48Uh...
09:50Do you know how to do this?
09:52Um...
09:53I think so.
09:53Here, let me try it.
09:54Hang on.
09:55I really appreciate you putting yourself on.
09:56I know, but I feel like I've done so much already.
09:58Okay.
10:00Wow.
10:01What a comeback.
10:02Um, am I supposed to say something embarrassing?
10:05Yeah.
10:05Does this count?
10:07All right, one more shot.
10:08Yeah, okay.
10:09What's your, um...
10:11What's my embarrassing thing?
10:12Yeah, your embarrassing thing.
10:13Well, I used to be a sommelier.
10:15Yeah.
10:16I think...
10:17If you pull this off...
10:20I mean, come on.
10:22I'm not gonna lie, there's a little bit of cork in there.
10:24I can handle it.
10:25Okay.
10:26How's that?
10:27It's good.
10:27Mm-hmm.
10:27All right.
10:29Cheers.
10:30Cheers.
10:32Joanne.
10:33Joanne?
10:33That's an old-fashioned name.
10:34I like that.
10:35Hmm.
10:36I'm Noah.
10:37Noah.
10:38Very biblical.
10:39Oh!
10:40Did you know there's a rabbi here?
10:42No shit.
10:43Yeah.
10:44Where?
10:45Um...
10:46I don't see him now, but he has a beard, and he was definitely judging me.
10:51Sounds like a rabbi.
10:53How do you know Ashley?
10:55Uh, we're in a neighborhood watch program together.
10:57Basically both Karens.
10:59Oh, wow.
10:59Yeah.
11:01Um...
11:01I think she only invited me because I'm kind of going through a breakup thing, and I think she felt
11:05sorry for me.
11:06Mm.
11:11Dinner is ready.
11:13There are less forks than there are people, but you'll figure it out.
11:16Enjoy.
11:18Okay.
11:19Uh...
11:20I...
11:20I guess I'm gonna go snag a good seat.
11:22Okay.
11:23See you out there.
11:24Sure will.
11:30Are you Claire?
11:31Joanne.
11:32Nice to meet you.
11:33Nice to finally meet you.
11:35Oh.
11:35The prettier cousin.
11:36Uh-huh.
11:37Can you please go put a dent in the yams?
11:38Oh, sure.
11:38Yeah, because no one's eating.
11:40Happy.
11:40It's impossible to host.
11:42Are you having fun?
11:43I think I'm into divorced guy.
11:45Of course you are.
11:46He's a horrible person.
11:48What?
11:48He's perfect for your podcast.
11:50Wait.
11:50Yeah, go for it.
11:51Why?
11:51What's wrong with him?
11:52He's a condescending asshole.
11:54Really?
11:54Yeah, I don't even know why I invite him to these things.
11:56I think I feel bad for him.
11:59You know how I'm an empath?
12:00He's going through a divorce.
12:01You're not an empath.
12:02Here's a serious question for you.
12:03Mm-hmm.
12:04Are we done with the coat?
12:06Never.
12:07Okay, someone's going to throw paint on you.
12:09Okay, go ahead.
12:09There's going to be paint on the rug.
12:12Oh, the drama.
12:15Happy?
12:16Thrilled.
12:16Please make it up, okay?
12:18Yep.
12:18We're not animals.
12:19I know.
12:19Okay, not to fan out and be lame, but Joanne, I listen to your podcast every week.
12:23She loves a fan.
12:24Oh, my God.
12:26Zara.
12:27I knew I liked you.
12:28You have a great name and great taste.
12:29What do you like about it?
12:30You're embarrassing yourself.
12:32Okay, you just did this episode about what a bad idea it is to have a three-way with someone
12:36hotter than you, and it basically saved my marriage.
12:39Always be the hot one.
12:42That's a good motto.
12:43Well, thank you.
12:44Who's your friend?
12:46Yeah, her bad personality is weirdly charming, right?
12:50But she's into Gary for some reason.
12:54No way she's into that guy.
12:56Sorry.
12:56She has terrible taste.
12:58I'm not asking for me.
12:59I don't care.
13:00Okay.
13:01Is she Jewish at all?
13:03There's not a Jewish bone in her body.
13:06Unless you put one in her.
13:08Shh.
13:14Just the crust.
13:15Who eats just the crust?
13:16The crust is the best part.
13:17Okay, the point is, he was clearly tonguing someone who's not his wife.
13:21Mm.
13:22100%.
13:23If I knew my friend was being cheated on, I'd tell him.
13:26But we're not that close, you know?
13:28Sounds like rabbi territory to me.
13:30What do you think, rabbi?
13:31Be our ethicist.
13:37Uh, well, Judaism doesn't exactly...
13:40Wait, why are you talking?
13:41Joe, that's so rude.
13:43What do you...
13:44Isn't he the rabbi?
13:46The fuck?
13:48I'm not a fucking rabbi.
13:50I've written three number one New York Times bestsellers.
13:53Ever heard of The Apparition Effect by Gary Howell?
13:57Uh...
13:58You have.
13:59It's everywhere.
14:00Oh, you're the asshole.
14:02No.
14:02I've earned it.
14:04And...
14:06You're the rabbi?
14:10I'm the rabbi.
14:14Um, so your dilemma is basically respecting someone's privacy versus preventing harm.
14:21I'm going to paraphrase Rabbi Ishmael in the Talmud when he says that someone who engages
14:26in gossip is equal in sin to somebody who commits murder.
14:29Bit of a drama queen.
14:31But still, I think in this case, gossip is the worst option.
14:35I think the rabbi says keep it to yourself.
14:39I think I'll still tell her.
14:42Okay.
14:48You're a real life rabbi.
14:50It's hot, right?
14:53I mean...
14:55Sort of.
14:58I tell my sister every time a guy is cheating on her.
15:01Yeah, I mean, you gotta tell your sister.
15:03Right?
15:03Yeah.
15:04Are you guys close?
15:06Yeah.
15:06She's my best friend.
15:07And my worst enemy.
15:09I have one of those.
15:11Hmm.
15:20I think I'm gonna go.
15:22Ooh.
15:23Feels a bit anti-Semitic.
15:25No.
15:26You are, um...
15:28You're in like a romantic gray area and I'm trying to make healthy relationship choices.
15:34I'm one day in.
15:35Okay, one.
15:36Congratulations.
15:38You know what?
15:39Let me walk you out.
15:40My God, you're obsessed with me.
15:41I was gonna leave anyway.
15:42Were you?
15:43Eventually.
15:46Oh.
15:47I mean, it's very nice, but it's making my eyes burn.
15:50Ah.
15:52Yeah.
15:53Cool.
15:54Yeah, it's cold.
15:57Whatever cologne you're wearing, I approve.
16:00Fabric softener.
16:01I didn't park close.
16:02I'm all the way at the bottom of the hill.
16:04Perfect.
16:04Me too.
16:09Can you have sex?
16:11Right now?
16:12No.
16:13Like, in general.
16:14Yes.
16:15That's priests.
16:15We're just people.
16:17Are you even a little bit Jewish?
16:19Like an aunt or a great grandmother, a forged document?
16:22Nope.
16:23Why?
16:25Well, rabbi gentile, it's pretty hard to pull off.
16:28We're trying to repopulate a people, you know?
16:30Plus, I don't believe in God.
16:32Sorry, is that offensive to say to a rabbi?
16:35You can say anything you want.
16:37Also, not that it matters, but baked into the Jewish experience is wrestling with what God is or isn't, not
16:43knowing.
16:44Really?
16:45Yeah.
16:45I didn't know that.
16:47People always seem so clear on what they imagine got to be, and I don't know, none of it has
16:51ever felt right to me.
16:54You feel like someone whose parents are still married.
16:57Do I?
16:58Mm-hmm.
16:58Yeah.
16:5941 years.
17:00You?
17:01Uh, my dad is gay.
17:03Oh.
17:04My mom is still in love with him, and tonight she's doing ayahuasca with her Uber driver.
17:10Really?
17:10If I read the text correctly.
17:11Okay, so not together.
17:13Meh.
17:14You trying to highlight our differences?
17:17I guess I'm just testing you, seeing if I can say something that would scare you.
17:21Oh, you scare me, Joanne.
17:23You do.
17:23I do?
17:23Yeah.
17:24You're terrifying.
17:25You're an unfiltered, complicated, vulnerable, beautiful woman.
17:30I'm not vulnerable.
17:33Walking into a party with a big-ass fur coat because you're scared not to be seen as special or
17:37different?
17:39Sorry, babe.
17:40You vulnerable.
17:42What the fuck?
17:44What the fuck?
17:46You some sort of mind reader?
17:47Mm-hmm.
17:49And I read your mind at the dinner when you were looking at me.
17:51It was very inappropriate.
17:57This is me.
18:00Where'd you park?
18:01I-I got a spot right in front of Ashley's.
18:04God likes me.
18:08You're pretty smooth for a rabbi.
18:10Just trying to be a good citizen, make sure you're safe.
18:14You're not by chance wrestling with your faith, are you, considering throwing it all away?
18:18Because with all of the fucks and the flirting, you really don't feel like a rabbi.
18:22Yeah.
18:23Yeah, I know.
18:23I-I play up the Torah bad boy vibe, but, uh...
18:26No, I'm all in on this thing.
18:29Mm-hmm.
18:29I'm a real rabbi, I swear.
18:31Temple high.
18:33I'm actually giving this sermon this Friday.
18:35My boss is out of town.
18:37Cool.
18:38It's a big deal.
18:39Oh.
18:40Okay.
18:43I wanna thank you.
18:45You helped me with something tonight.
18:48I did?
18:50You did.
18:53Say something rabbinical.
18:57There's a fiddler on the roof.
19:01Don't be funny.
19:04That's not helping.
19:11Get home safe.
19:28What about Andrew Tate?
19:30Oh, I would love to meet Andrew Tate.
19:32Put me in a room with that little bitch, and I would just ask him, alright, if women are only
19:36here to service you, to, you know, stay virginal for you and be the recipient of your abuse, then please
19:42explain to me why we are meant to get off from sex.
19:45Women, like men, are meant to experience big old screaming orgasms.
19:50I'd fuck Andrew.
19:53Right out of town.
20:08Noah.
20:09Come on, man.
20:10Where?
20:11Just shoot!
20:12Just take the shot!
20:14You're right!
20:15Check.
20:17What?
20:18I...
20:19Oh, sorry.
20:20I didn't know.
20:20I didn't know.
20:21I didn't know where it started.
20:22Oh, okay.
20:22Get your heart in the game!
20:24Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
20:25I used this for my commercial auditions, and this one you saw on my Raya profile.
20:29But see, I think I facetuned it too much.
20:36Look at you, Pilate arms.
20:39I'm not messing with you at all.
20:41Where do you study at?
20:43Well, what studio?
20:44There you go.
20:45There you go.
21:08Et amo Yisrael.
21:14A Shalom.
21:20And now I'd like to pass it over to Rabbi Rokhlov for our Shabbat sermon.
21:27Rabbi?
21:29Shabbat shalom.
21:34A scary thing happened to me a few years ago.
21:37I was out to dinner enjoying a steak,
21:41and I was enjoying it a little bit too much because I began to choke.
21:46And I looked around at my table for help,
21:50and I don't want to name any names,
21:52but let's just say that everybody froze.
21:55Oh, actually, I do want to name names.
21:57Rabbi Simonson.
22:00Sorry.
22:01A very interesting thing happens when you think you might die.
22:05You have this panicked desire, this panicked need,
22:09to know if you've lived your life right,
22:11if you've done enough, if you've said enough.
22:14Was it all worth it?
22:16And I don't want to spoil it for you, but I did survive.
22:26And you know that parable about the man who's
22:29stranded on a roof during a flood,
22:31and every time somebody comes by to help him,
22:34he says, nope, God will save me.
22:37And in the end, he dies,
22:39and he says to God, I've lived by your word.
22:42Why didn't you save me?
22:44And God says, I sent you a life jacket,
22:47and a boat, and a helicopter.
22:50That was me, buddy.
22:53We have all these chances to wake up
22:55and change the course of our lives.
23:01Everything can have purpose if you allow it.
23:05Thinking about switching careers?
23:07Maybe that's God pushing you.
23:09Hesitating about a big decision?
23:11That could be God telling you to think twice.
23:13Thinking about going all in on crypto?
23:15That might not be God.
23:16Ask your accountant what they think.
23:19I gave him that crypto joke.
23:21But if you think God's plan
23:24is supposed to feel like something specific,
23:28and you haven't felt it,
23:32and you wonder if we're all in on some big secret
23:35that you aren't in on,
23:36let me tell you,
23:38you're in on it.
23:42Shabbat shalom.
23:44Shabbat shalom.
23:50That was a weird sermon.
23:53Thanks, Mom.
23:54Rabbi, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Alyssa.
23:57Hello.
23:58She just graduated from hospitality school.
24:01Rita, Rita, you're suffocating him.
24:04Rabbi.
24:04Hi.
24:05Do you remember my niece, Isabel,
24:06from Rosh Hashanah Services?
24:08Of course, of course, yes.
24:09She just got over shingles.
24:10Okay, Mazel tov, Mazel tov.
24:11I can't tell you how much she got your services.
24:12Excuse me, ladies.
24:13One second.
24:14I will be right back.
24:15I'll be right back.
24:16I'll be right back.
24:17Hi.
24:17One second.
24:18One moment.
24:19I'll be right back.
24:25Rabbi?
24:27Joanne?
24:33Who the hell is that?
24:36A Shiksa.
24:39You and I
24:43You don't want to talk about it.
24:45You don't want to talk about you and I.
24:51We don't ever talk about it.
24:53Put it in my head.
24:55Oh, you say, say you're still wanting.
24:58That you're done.
24:59We'll be lonely now.
25:01That you and I.
25:06You and I.
25:35We're lonely now.
25:35It's been a long time.
25:35I know.
25:55We're lonely now.
25:55I love you.
25:56I love you.
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