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Russell Peters: Almost Famous (2016) is a stand-up comedy special featuring internationally acclaimed comedian Russell Peters. Known for his sharp observations and playful humor, Peters shares stories about everyday life, cultural quirks, and personal experiences that connect with audiences worldwide. With his signature style and engaging stage presence, this comedy special delivers laughs, charm, and a memorable performance.
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Russell Peters Almost Famous, Russell Peters Almost Famous 2016, Russell Peters Almost Famous comedy, Russell Peters Almost Famous stand up, Russell Peters comedy special, Russell Peters full show, Russell Peters film, stand up comedy 2016, international comedy special, humorous storytelling show, cultural comedy performance, family friendly stand up, witty observations comedy, Russell Peters live 2016, entertaining comedy film, Russell Peters Almost Famous cast, Russell Peters Almost Famous scenes, comedic storytelling, engaging stand up show, fun comedy performance
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00:07:00Any time I see, like, doctors, how many doctors?
00:07:02Do we have any doctors here tonight?
00:07:03Look at that, look at them.
00:07:05Only in my audience we have that many fucking doctors.
00:07:08Where's the doctor over there, where are you?
00:07:10Right there, what kind of doctor are you?
00:07:13Gynecologist, oh wow.
00:07:18Any openings?
00:07:27And where's the other doctor?
00:07:28You bro, right there?
00:07:29What kind of doctor are you?
00:07:31Orthopedic, is that a real doctor?
00:07:33Let me ask the gynecologist.
00:07:36No, she says no.
00:07:39Where's the other doctor?
00:07:40What are you?
00:07:42Surgeon, that's a real doctor as far as I'm concerned.
00:07:44What kind of surgeon?
00:07:46Genital surgeon?
00:07:49Is that what you said?
00:07:51Or general, oh general surgeon, oh yeah, that makes...
00:07:54I was like, hey, you're cutting into her business.
00:07:57I guess you're...
00:07:57So out of the three doctors, you're the least.
00:08:11And that's your buddy with you with the caterpillar on his forehead?
00:08:15Look at that eyebrow.
00:08:16That is fucking incredible.
00:08:17Get a shot of that.
00:08:18Oh, my God.
00:08:20Oh, my God.
00:08:24That is impressive.
00:08:27Damn, that's springtime is here.
00:08:30That thing's going to turn into a butterfly in no time.
00:08:32I'm glad there's real doctors here, is all I'm trying to say.
00:08:46Because I asked the audience one night, any doctors here?
00:08:49And this Indian guy got up all proud.
00:08:50He's like, I'm a doctor.
00:08:55I go, what kind of doctor are you?
00:08:57I'm a psychiatrist.
00:08:59I'm like, that's not a doctor ever.
00:09:02An orthopedic doctor is more of a doctor than a fucking psychiatrist.
00:09:07If shit goes down, you're not hoping there's a psychiatrist around.
00:09:11If you're on an airplane, like, there's an emergency on board.
00:09:14Do we have a doctor?
00:09:16I'm a doctor.
00:09:16I'm a psychiatrist.
00:09:24Sir, this gentleman's having a heart attack.
00:09:35Fuck.
00:09:41All right, let me, uh, let me go talk to him.
00:09:46Uh, sir?
00:09:52Sir?
00:09:54Sir, let go of your chest.
00:09:58Sir, what makes you think you're having a heart attack right now?
00:10:03This goes back to his childhood.
00:10:07What's your name, Dr. Orthopedic?
00:10:09Jamal.
00:10:10Jamal, huh, shit.
00:10:13And where's your family from?
00:10:14Saudi.
00:10:15Saudi.
00:10:16Oh, shit.
00:10:16Double shit.
00:10:18Triple shit.
00:10:19We're all in shit.
00:10:20Um, and where do you practice?
00:10:23Here or there?
00:10:24Hamilton.
00:10:25Yeah.
00:10:25Ooh.
00:10:27I mean, oh, great.
00:10:30Being in Hamilton, you must miss, uh, Saudi.
00:10:33Um, and, uh, Dr. Genitals, uh, Dr. General, sir, what's your name?
00:10:42Sundeep.
00:10:44Sundeep.
00:10:44Oh, that's my people right there for sure.
00:10:48Got this shit on lock, Jamal.
00:10:51How long you been a doctor for, Sundeep?
00:10:53Ten years.
00:10:54Ten years.
00:10:55Oh, you're brand new.
00:10:55Fuck that.
00:10:56I, uh, how old are you?
00:10:58Forty-one.
00:10:59Forty-one.
00:11:02How long did it take you to become a doctor?
00:11:05Sorry?
00:11:06A long time.
00:11:06A long time.
00:11:07Oh, yeah, thanks.
00:11:09Okay.
00:11:10I think I was already implying that.
00:11:12I, uh, I was actually asking for an actual timeline.
00:11:17Where'd you study?
00:11:18Here?
00:11:19Why don't you just go to India?
00:11:21You could become a doctor in four and a half years in India.
00:11:24Do you know that?
00:11:25If you go to India to become a doctor four and a half years and you're a doctor.
00:11:28In North America, ten, eleven, twelve years to become a doctor.
00:11:32You know why?
00:11:32Because we're soft over here.
00:11:34Over here, they're like, well, they need the summer off so their brains can relax.
00:11:41India's like, fuck you.
00:11:42And they don't learn less in India.
00:11:44They learn just as much, if not more.
00:11:46They just cram it into four and a half years.
00:11:48India, there's a billion people.
00:11:49Like, we need doctors.
00:11:50Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
00:11:51Study, study, study, study, study.
00:12:00Where'd you grow up?
00:12:02Mississauga.
00:12:04Mississauga.
00:12:04Yeah.
00:12:04Yeah.
00:12:05Yeah.
00:12:05First of all, you can't let out a hood.
00:12:09Yeah.
00:12:10It's Mississauga, you fucking dummies.
00:12:13All right.
00:12:13It's not like.
00:12:16It's not like they were like, oh, shit.
00:12:19And we're like, yeah, Mississauga.
00:12:21Mississauga and he's a doctor.
00:12:23How gangster do you think his life was?
00:12:24I got to be honest with you, Sundeep.
00:12:29It's nothing personal, but I would never go to you as a doctor.
00:12:34I would never go to an Indian guy that became a doctor.
00:12:38Especially one that was born and raised in this part of the world.
00:12:41Fuck that.
00:12:42Because if you were born and raised here, you had real dreams, and it was never to become a doctor.
00:12:46Let's be honest.
00:12:47I'd go to an Indian woman that became a doctor.
00:12:49Obviously not you, because, you know, I.
00:12:54I have boy parts.
00:12:55But.
00:12:58I would go to an Indian woman that became a doctor.
00:13:00Because when an Indian woman becomes a doctor, that means you really wanted to be a doctor.
00:13:04Because even her parents are like, sweetie, you don't have to become a doctor.
00:13:07You can just marry a doctor.
00:13:08And she's like, fuck you.
00:13:11I want to be a doctor.
00:13:13I need that kind of determination from my doctor, you know.
00:13:17You had dreams when you were 14 years old, right, Sundeep?
00:13:20And it wasn't to be a doctor.
00:13:21That's not what a 14-year-old dreams about.
00:13:23A 14-year-old has dreams that are ridiculous.
00:13:28That your dream at 14 should never be logical.
00:13:32It should just be the dumbest shit you're doing at 14.
00:13:34I'll tell you what my dream was when I was 14.
00:13:36It wasn't to be a comedian.
00:13:36I didn't even know this job existed.
00:13:39My dream at 14, it'll make you feel better about whatever your dream was.
00:13:43My dream at 14, here's what I thought I was going to do for the rest of my life.
00:13:46I thought, I wanted to be a dancer.
00:13:51All right, first of all, fuck you, all right?
00:13:55Second of all, I'm not a stripper.
00:13:57I was a break dancer.
00:13:59I was like, yo, I'm going to do this shit forever.
00:14:06Not a realistic goal, though.
00:14:10What was your dream when you were a 14-year-old boy growing up on the mean streets of Mississauga,
00:14:15Sundeep?
00:14:16Now, be honest.
00:14:16Don't make no bullshit up.
00:14:19Huh?
00:14:20A musician.
00:14:20A musician.
00:14:21Did you play any instruments?
00:14:22Yes.
00:14:22Oh, well, good.
00:14:23That's a good start.
00:14:24I always have Indian guys yell out shit that they never did.
00:14:28I wanted to be in the NBA.
00:14:32Did you play basketball?
00:14:33Not once.
00:14:36I just love giant black men.
00:14:38You know, just...
00:14:39What instrument did you play?
00:14:44Guitar.
00:14:45You good?
00:14:46Pretty good.
00:14:46You still throw down on it?
00:14:48Yeah, I know.
00:14:48Pretty well, yeah.
00:14:49Yeah?
00:14:50So you wanted to be a musician.
00:14:51I know what happened.
00:14:52Tell me if I'm right.
00:14:53You're about 17, 18 years old.
00:14:56You're sitting in your room, playing with your guitar.
00:15:04And your mom walked in.
00:15:08You were thinking, I'm going to be a musician.
00:15:09Your mom walked in and went, Sundeep?
00:15:11Because that's all you need to do for an Indian nickname.
00:15:20All you need is add two O's to whatever you want the nickname to be.
00:15:25Sundeep?
00:15:25Like, look, Edward.
00:15:26Ed-woo?
00:15:27Well, that could be your name, Ed-woo.
00:15:29Sorry.
00:15:29That didn't work because he might very well be an Ed-woo.
00:15:38Your mom walked in, Sundeep?
00:15:41You're going to college?
00:15:48Why don't you become a doctor?
00:15:51And you were like, what's wrong with your face?
00:15:55If you become a doctor, you can fix it.
00:16:00So you put your guitar down and picked up stethoscope.
00:16:04And it was all over after that.
00:16:05That's why I could never go to you.
00:16:07I don't want my doctor to have had other dreams about being something else.
00:16:11My doctor in America is going to be a black guy from the hood who grew up with every disadvantaged real hood.
00:16:19Like in the hood hood, like where people were like, yo, cuz, let's go kill some motherfuckers today.
00:16:25I want my doctor to be the guy that said, no, man.
00:16:31I'm gonna be a doctor.
00:16:33And everybody in the hood was like, ain't nobody fuck with DeVarrow.
00:16:40He gonna be a doctor in shit.
00:16:43That's how I know I got the right doctor because he'll say in shit at the end of sentences.
00:16:48He'll look pissed off when I walk into the doctor's office.
00:16:50That's the doctor I want.
00:16:52I'm Mr. Peters.
00:16:52Seems your nasal passage is inflamed in shit.
00:17:01Did you fill out this little bitch-ass prescription?
00:17:06Holler at me tomorrow, motherfucker.
00:17:13That's the right doctor for me.
00:17:14I don't want my doctor to be some bratty Indian kid who grew up in Mississauga.
00:17:18Halfway through an operation, he just goes, fuck this shit.
00:17:21I want to play guitar.
00:17:23And he...
00:17:24Then the black guy has to run in, don't worry, dog.
00:17:34I got this.
00:17:36This is gonna hurt and shit.
00:17:41I never had to worry about doing anything great with my life.
00:17:45I didn't.
00:17:45I didn't have that pressure.
00:17:47I didn't have that Indian pressure that a lot of Indian kids have.
00:17:49Do something great.
00:17:50My parents knew I was an idiot.
00:17:53From a very young age, my parents were like, oh, man.
00:18:02I was a terrible student.
00:18:03I hated school.
00:18:04I never had to worry.
00:18:05Because my parents...
00:18:05My parents never had careers.
00:18:07They never had professions.
00:18:08They just had jobs.
00:18:09There are no professionals in my family on either side.
00:18:13Just a bunch of dummies.
00:18:14You know what I mean?
00:18:15Like, but regular, like, hard-working people.
00:18:18Just a regular job.
00:18:19My mom worked in Kmart.
00:18:20Not in head office, in the store.
00:18:23And my dad worked...
00:18:24I never really understood...
00:18:25You ask my dad what he did.
00:18:26What do you do?
00:18:27I work.
00:18:29Where?
00:18:30At my job.
00:18:34What do you do?
00:18:35Job-related work.
00:18:36I never really understood what my dad did, though.
00:18:42I remember I was five years old.
00:18:43My dad was going to work.
00:18:43And I stopped him.
00:18:44I go, Dad, Dad, where are you going?
00:18:46He goes, work.
00:18:47I go, what do you do?
00:18:49I work at a chicken plant.
00:18:50And then he left.
00:18:53You can't just tell a five-year-old that you work at a chicken plant and then walk out of the house.
00:18:59I'm five years old.
00:19:00I can't comprehend what a chicken plant is.
00:19:03I know what a chicken is.
00:19:04And I know what a plant is.
00:19:07For the next seven years, I told people that my dad planted chickens.
00:19:16It wasn't until I was 12, I was like, Dad, he was going to work.
00:19:19I go, Dad, Dad, what exactly do you do?
00:19:21He goes, I checked to see if the chickens are good or not.
00:19:24And then he left.
00:19:26And I still didn't know what that meant.
00:19:28I literally pictured my dad standing around going, good chicken.
00:19:33Good chicken.
00:19:34Stop the line.
00:19:36Bad chicken.
00:19:39I don't even know what he did to the bad chickens.
00:19:41Come here, I want to talk to you for a minute.
00:19:42Come here.
00:19:43Come here.
00:19:44Listen, you need to get your shit together, okay?
00:19:47Start clucking like the rest of them.
00:19:49Don't be such a cock.
00:19:57Never had to worry about school.
00:20:00I mean, I did because I was in it.
00:20:02But when my parents gave up, they gave up early.
00:20:05They knew, you know, they would literally beg me.
00:20:07They'd be like, son, please, just try and get 50.
00:20:10It's a pass.
00:20:14Just get 50.
00:20:19I'm not bragging, nor am I glorifying this,
00:20:22but this is an actual mark I got in grade nine typing.
00:20:27Typing, all right?
00:20:28It was 1984.
00:20:30Don't judge me.
00:20:31There were no computers yet.
00:20:32It was actual typewriters.
00:20:34My typing, my final mark was 13%.
00:20:38Even my dad was like, son.
00:20:47Son, you've hit a new low.
00:20:50Do you realize you get 25% just for signing your name correctly?
00:20:58What fucking name did you put?
00:21:00They gave up when I was a teenager.
00:21:10They did.
00:21:10I remember my only rule when I would leave the house was,
00:21:13I'm like, dad, I'm going to the mall.
00:21:14Okay, son.
00:21:15Oh, don't die.
00:21:18That was their only rule.
00:21:20Don't die.
00:21:21We've already failed enough.
00:21:23We don't need the ultimate failure.
00:21:25Well, don't die while I'm alive.
00:21:28After I die, die as many times as you want.
00:21:31But while I'm here, don't die.
00:21:36Never had to worry about a career or a job.
00:21:39Well, a job, yes.
00:21:40Just not a profession.
00:21:42I remember my dad, when I was 16,
00:21:43my dad comes to me and goes,
00:21:44son, one day you won't be in school anymore.
00:21:48And I was like, I'm going to graduate?
00:21:50No, son.
00:21:52Focus, son.
00:21:53Focus, focus.
00:21:53Come on.
00:21:55It's never going to happen, okay?
00:22:00When you're not in school,
00:22:01you're going to need to get a job.
00:22:03I was like, of course I'm going to get a job.
00:22:04I'm not a freeloader.
00:22:07I go, if you know anybody hiring,
00:22:09let me know.
00:22:10He goes, well, the airport is hiring.
00:22:13Here's how dumb I was.
00:22:15My dad said the airport was hiring,
00:22:16and I was like, oh, my God.
00:22:18My dad wants me to be a pilot.
00:22:20I was like, dad, you want me to be a pilot?
00:22:26Oh, my God, son.
00:22:27No, no, no.
00:22:28Oh, my God, no.
00:22:30Oh, my God.
00:22:31Oh, my lantern.
00:22:32No, no, no, no.
00:22:33Oh, my God.
00:22:34Son, you are far too stupid for that job.
00:22:39People's lives are at stake.
00:22:42I go, what the hell am I going to do at the airport?
00:22:43My dad goes, baggage handler.
00:22:49What the hell is a baggage handler?
00:22:52My dad sells the shit out of it to me.
00:22:54What's a baggage handler?
00:22:55Son, let me tell you something, okay?
00:22:57These people are an integral part
00:23:00of millions of people's travel plans
00:23:03throughout the year.
00:23:06I was like, damn.
00:23:08Well, what does their job entail?
00:23:10Basically, baggage handler's job is
00:23:16you take the baggage
00:23:18and you putt it on the plane.
00:23:22What do I do?
00:23:24You take the baggage
00:23:26and you putt it on the plane.
00:23:30I putt it on the plane.
00:23:34You putt it on the plane.
00:23:38I putt it.
00:23:39You putt it.
00:23:43Like, putt.
00:23:46Like, putt.
00:23:51Like, putt.
00:23:51Like,
00:23:52don't be stupid, okay?
00:23:58That's putting.
00:24:01Focus, son.
00:24:02Focus, focus.
00:24:03I said, dad, I want to be a break dancer.
00:24:09Son, son.
00:24:11You can dance on your break.
00:24:13Anything Indian people can do, I can't do.
00:24:23I'm always impressed
00:24:24whenever you do something intelligent.
00:24:26Like computers.
00:24:26I'm shit on a computer.
00:24:29I'm not good.
00:24:29Are you good on a computer, Edward?
00:24:30You're Chinese.
00:24:31You better be good on a computer.
00:24:32You're fucking making them all day.
00:24:34The least you can do is be good on them.
00:24:35I mean,
00:24:37do you work with a computer for a living?
00:24:40Yeah.
00:24:40So, yeah.
00:24:44What do you prefer, a PC or a Mac?
00:24:46I prefer PC.
00:24:47PC.
00:24:47Yeah, that's how you know you're good on a computer.
00:24:51People don't believe me
00:24:51when I say I'm not good on a computer.
00:24:53Like, you're Indian.
00:24:54You're supposed to be good on a computer.
00:24:56An Indian guy saying he's not good on a computer
00:24:58is like a black guy going,
00:24:59I ain't got no rhythm.
00:25:05PC, that's the show-off.
00:25:07You know, that's a,
00:25:08I know how to get on a computer
00:25:09and avoid diseases.
00:25:11I use a Mac
00:25:12because Macs are stupid people friendly.
00:25:16I am a stupid people.
00:25:19The real reason I use a Mac
00:25:20is because I go to a lot of questionable websites.
00:25:25Look, what I'm trying to tell you is
00:25:28if you're going to surf porn,
00:25:31surf porn on a Mac.
00:25:33Surfing porn on a Mac
00:25:34is like having sex with a condom on.
00:25:36You know, you're like,
00:25:37I don't care what she has.
00:25:40I'm not going to get anything.
00:25:44Serving porn on a PC
00:25:45is like raw-dogging a hooker, you know?
00:25:47You just,
00:25:48oh my God, it feels good,
00:25:49but I'm scared.
00:25:51I'm so scared.
00:25:54Oh my God,
00:25:54it burns when I download.
00:26:03You know what the worst day of my life is?
00:26:05The worst day of my life
00:26:05is when I have a problem with my laptop
00:26:07and I have to call the 1-800 number
00:26:09on the back of it.
00:26:10I don't care that they've outsourced
00:26:11the call to India.
00:26:12That actually makes me happy.
00:26:14Part that bothers me
00:26:14is that that guy in India
00:26:15knows who I am.
00:26:18I call up,
00:26:19I'm like,
00:26:19yeah, I'm having a problem with my laptop.
00:26:20Okay, sir,
00:26:21I know a good name.
00:26:22I'm like,
00:26:22I'm sorry,
00:26:23you're a good name.
00:26:24My good name?
00:26:27What is that,
00:26:27my password?
00:26:28You want my password?
00:26:30No, no, sir,
00:26:30you're a good name.
00:26:31You're a good name?
00:26:32What the fuck is my good name?
00:26:35Sir,
00:26:35you're a surname,
00:26:36you're a family name?
00:26:37Oh,
00:26:37why don't you say so?
00:26:39Peters.
00:26:40Okay.
00:26:41And you're a forest name?
00:26:43What's that?
00:26:45You're a forest name?
00:26:45I don't have a forest name,
00:26:50no.
00:26:55Enchanted?
00:26:58I suppose if I was in the forest,
00:27:00my name would be lost?
00:27:00What are you asking me right now?
00:27:02No, no, sir,
00:27:02you're a forest name.
00:27:03You're a forest name?
00:27:03The fuck is my forest name?
00:27:04Forest name?
00:27:05What is that?
00:27:06Slow it down, buddy.
00:27:08Okay, sir,
00:27:08you're a forest name.
00:27:09That's the same bucket thing.
00:27:10Sir,
00:27:14the name you use
00:27:16on a daily basis.
00:27:22Oh,
00:27:23sorry, man.
00:27:25Russell.
00:27:26Okay.
00:27:30No way.
00:27:35Is that really you?
00:27:38I'm all proud.
00:27:39I'm like, yes,
00:27:39yes, it is.
00:27:40He goes,
00:27:41well, well, well.
00:27:43All those jokes you made,
00:27:45huh?
00:27:47Now who needs help,
00:27:48huh?
00:27:50Okay, bastard,
00:27:51here's what we're going to do.
00:27:54I am going to mirror your computer.
00:27:57You're going to what?
00:27:57Mirror your computer.
00:27:59You're going to mirror my computer?
00:28:00What does that mean?
00:28:01I'm going to gain full access
00:28:02to your laptop remotely.
00:28:05Oh, really?
00:28:06And how do you think that?
00:28:07And then I just see the mouse
00:28:08moving around on my screen.
00:28:09I'm like,
00:28:10what the hell happened?
00:28:10He goes,
00:28:10I have gained full access
00:28:12to your laptop.
00:28:13Let's quickly go through
00:28:14your history.
00:28:15You know what?
00:28:15Let's not go through my history.
00:28:16How about that?
00:28:17Let's, uh...
00:28:18Well, well, well, lusty grandmas.
00:28:26It was a pop-up.
00:28:29I'm sure it popped up just fine,
00:28:31huh?
00:28:32Seems to pop up three,
00:28:34four times a day.
00:28:34How you doing, sir?
00:28:41Are you good?
00:28:41What's your name?
00:28:43Vince.
00:28:44You're Italian?
00:28:44Yeah, I can tell by the way
00:28:45you say Vince.
00:28:47I love Italians.
00:28:48Hey, Vince.
00:28:49I always got to sound like
00:28:50I'm doing some illegal shit.
00:28:52I love talking to Italian guys.
00:28:53They always fuck the air
00:28:54when you're talking.
00:28:55You ever see that?
00:28:55Bro, where you been?
00:29:04I'm on the 400.
00:29:05I'm going north.
00:29:05I am not the 400.
00:29:07401.
00:29:09You don't need to go this way.
00:29:11You need to go that way.
00:29:18Met your lovely wife with you, Vince?
00:29:20Hi, lovely wife.
00:29:21How are you?
00:29:22How long have you been together for?
00:29:2421 years.
00:29:25That's great.
00:29:25Yeah, that's good.
00:29:30Kids?
00:29:31Not you two.
00:29:32I mean, do you have kids?
00:29:33Yeah.
00:29:34One girl.
00:29:35How old?
00:29:3613.
00:29:36Nice.
00:29:37You waited.
00:29:37That's nice.
00:29:39Glad you enjoy each other
00:29:39for a few years
00:29:40and then...
00:29:41Send one home, you know?
00:29:49She's probably bent over
00:29:50in the kitchen
00:29:50and grabbed something
00:29:51and you were on the phone
00:29:51giving directions.
00:29:52Vince, I just need to get this pot.
00:29:56What are you doing?
00:29:59I got a pregnant.
00:30:05One girl.
00:30:06That's all you wanted, right?
00:30:06One kid?
00:30:07You don't need...
00:30:07Yeah.
00:30:08I got one.
00:30:08I got a daughter as well.
00:30:09I like her.
00:30:10One's all you need.
00:30:14I don't want more than one kid.
00:30:16I'm not fucking collecting them.
00:30:18You know what I mean?
00:30:18They're not going up in value.
00:30:21So one and done for me.
00:30:23I think the real reason
00:30:26like I never wanted more kids
00:30:28is because I know me
00:30:31and I know what an idiot I am.
00:30:33And I'm one of those people
00:30:35who gets dazzled by new things.
00:30:37So I don't want my daughter
00:30:38to be like, you know,
00:30:39the object of everything in my life
00:30:41and then a new kid comes along
00:30:42and we go,
00:30:42beat it, kid.
00:30:43Look at this one.
00:30:44And then she's like,
00:30:45I thought you loved me.
00:30:46I do.
00:30:46Well, look at this new one.
00:30:47It's so much better.
00:30:48So I know what an idiot I am.
00:30:50So it's just going to be
00:30:50the one and done, you know.
00:30:53You spoiler?
00:30:55Oh, yeah.
00:30:55Where'd you go?
00:30:56How old are you, Vince?
00:30:5746.
00:30:5846.
00:30:58We're the same age.
00:30:59You know what I mean?
00:31:00Yeah, no problem.
00:31:0246.
00:31:04And you had immigrant parents, Vince?
00:31:06Yeah.
00:31:06From Italy?
00:31:07Yeah.
00:31:08You know what I'm talking about.
00:31:09Immigrant parents,
00:31:10they don't play.
00:31:11Immigrant parents
00:31:12don't give you idle threats.
00:31:14If they tell you to do something,
00:31:15they fucking mean do that.
00:31:16there's no negotiating.
00:31:19You don't talk back to your parents
00:31:20or you're telling you
00:31:21you'd get a schaff
00:31:22right on your fucking head, right?
00:31:27Let me tell you what happened.
00:31:29My daughter, right,
00:31:30she was in her bedroom,
00:31:31laying on her bed,
00:31:33and I burst into her room, right?
00:31:36First of all, she's five.
00:31:37She's not going to be doing anything weird.
00:31:40Second of all, it's my house.
00:31:41I'll burst into whatever room I want, right?
00:31:42So my daughter's lying on her bed
00:31:45with her iPad watching Frozen,
00:31:48you know, as children do.
00:31:51And so I burst in,
00:31:52and I'm like,
00:31:53baby!
00:31:54And I guess it startled her,
00:31:57but she didn't react like a five-year-old.
00:31:59She reacted like a woman.
00:32:02She got angry.
00:32:05Not like a little kid.
00:32:06She became a woman instantly.
00:32:08And I was like, baby!
00:32:10And she went, shh!
00:32:20Without using any words,
00:32:22my daughter went,
00:32:22motherfucker!
00:32:25Do you not see what I'm doing?
00:32:33And if your kid ever calls you a motherfucker,
00:32:35you can't get mad.
00:32:36Because, yeah.
00:32:42You are, Vince.
00:32:45If you weren't a motherfucker,
00:32:46they wouldn't be here.
00:32:49If there's any kids in here tonight,
00:32:51I want you to try calling your dad a motherfucker
00:32:53when you get home.
00:32:55You look young, buddy.
00:32:56Well, yeah, try it.
00:32:57But you can't do it when you're angry.
00:32:59You got to do it when everything's calm, you know?
00:33:01Like, you know,
00:33:02be like at the dinner table.
00:33:04Ma, this pot roast is fantastic.
00:33:07Hey, motherfucker,
00:33:08can you pass the peas?
00:33:14Sure, what the fuck?
00:33:15What the fuck happened to you?
00:33:19But she got so mad,
00:33:21and it just immediately was just,
00:33:23shh!
00:33:23and I just thought it was hilarious.
00:33:27I started laughing immediately.
00:33:29Now, I don't know if that's because I'm a comedian
00:33:30and I find everything funny
00:33:32or if I'm just a shit parent.
00:33:33But my little daughter went,
00:33:35shh!
00:33:37And I just thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
00:33:39And the more I laughed,
00:33:40the angrier she got.
00:33:42Like a real woman.
00:33:46And the angrier she got,
00:33:47the more I laughed.
00:33:48Until it was just like,
00:33:49Daddy, stop it!
00:33:50And I'm like,
00:33:51I can't!
00:33:55And then I thought about it.
00:33:56I can't picture,
00:33:57I can't even imagine
00:33:58one single time in my life,
00:34:01let alone at five,
00:34:03that I could have ever said,
00:34:04shh!
00:34:04to my parents.
00:34:07Imagine sitting in the living room
00:34:08watching TV
00:34:08and my dad walks in,
00:34:09Russell, shh!
00:34:11You don't shush me!
00:34:34I'll throw the TV at you!
00:34:37This was 1975
00:34:38when TVs weighed 1,800 pounds.
00:34:41When it was more than just a TV,
00:34:43it was a TV.
00:34:44It was a speaker system.
00:34:45It was a shelving unit.
00:34:47It had a turntable on the top
00:34:48with a cassette deck
00:34:49and an 8-track player.
00:34:50It had a shitty doily
00:34:51that ran across the top.
00:34:59It had a vase
00:35:00with plastic flowers in it
00:35:01for no reason.
00:35:03Do you remember the plastic flowers?
00:35:05They were huge in the Indian world.
00:35:07Indian community,
00:35:07plastic, wait, wait,
00:35:08so we just buy the one flower.
00:35:11one time
00:35:11and you don't have to replenish it.
00:35:16Genius.
00:35:19Absolute genius.
00:35:25And Indian,
00:35:26my dad was so cheap.
00:35:27Remember those plastic flowers?
00:35:28They were like this long
00:35:28and they were on a wire plastic.
00:35:31My dad was so cheap,
00:35:32he bought one,
00:35:33but then he bought a vase
00:35:34that was only this big.
00:35:35So we had to bend the wire.
00:35:37So now you have like
00:35:39half a flower
00:35:39and half a wire sticking out.
00:35:41and nobody ever dusted them
00:35:43or cleaned them
00:35:44so they were never the color
00:35:45they were.
00:35:46People would walk by,
00:35:47ooh.
00:35:50Oh, red.
00:35:51Nice, nice.
00:35:54Think about how angry
00:35:55your parents were all the time.
00:35:56They were just mad.
00:35:58Always.
00:35:58I don't know why the fuck
00:35:59they were so mad.
00:36:00They weren't mad at you,
00:36:01they were just mad.
00:36:02Our parents had no problem
00:36:04disappointing us, did they?
00:36:05I'll do whatever it takes
00:36:06to not disappoint my daughter.
00:36:08If I tell them I'm going to do something,
00:36:09I'll do that plus something else.
00:36:11Just, you know,
00:36:12because we're idiots.
00:36:13Because we grew up wanting things.
00:36:15I never had more than I needed.
00:36:17I never did without.
00:36:19I mean,
00:36:19but I never had extra shit.
00:36:21Like I would get the one pair of shoes
00:36:22every year in September
00:36:23for school
00:36:24and it was like,
00:36:25son,
00:36:25you're going to get one new pair of sneakers.
00:36:28I'm like, yes.
00:36:29Let's go see what Byway has.
00:36:31I have a coupon.
00:36:42I too am getting a pair.
00:36:47I would get one toy a year.
00:36:49One toy.
00:36:51On my birthday,
00:36:52it was such a bullshit deal though.
00:36:54My birthday would come around
00:36:55and my dad would be like,
00:36:56son,
00:36:56let's go to the toy store.
00:36:58And we'd go to the toy store
00:36:59and my dad would be like,
00:36:59you can have anything
00:37:01in this bucket right here.
00:37:08Everything's broken in that.
00:37:10This gun is in two pieces.
00:37:12Why don't you look at it as two guns?
00:37:16The glass is half full.
00:37:17So when you grow up like that,
00:37:21when you want things your whole life
00:37:22and you get a little bit of money,
00:37:24you do it.
00:37:24I got a little bit of money.
00:37:26I start buying everything I ever wanted
00:37:27and then I spoil my daughter.
00:37:29I buy her,
00:37:29I buy her shit
00:37:30she doesn't even know she wants.
00:37:31I just buy it
00:37:31because I would have fucking wanted it.
00:37:35But not wanting to disappoint your child
00:37:37can backfire on you.
00:37:38Let me tell you what happened.
00:37:39A couple of years ago,
00:37:40I moved into this new house
00:37:41and I was building,
00:37:42not building,
00:37:43I had a really nice bedroom for my daughter.
00:37:46I do have, not had.
00:37:47I didn't lose the shit.
00:37:50And I wanted to get her a really cool bed.
00:37:53And I was like,
00:37:53baby,
00:37:54I want to get you like a really fun bed.
00:37:56And she's like,
00:37:56yay,
00:37:57I want a fun bed.
00:37:58She was three at the time.
00:38:00And then I go,
00:38:01come on,
00:38:01come here,
00:38:02sit with me
00:38:02and we'll look at beds online.
00:38:05She goes,
00:38:05okay.
00:38:06So I pull out my laptop
00:38:07and I go to Google,
00:38:09put safe search on
00:38:10because I'm not an idiot.
00:38:13You know,
00:38:13I don't need dicks flying up
00:38:14when I'm trying to look at stuff,
00:38:16you know,
00:38:16so put safe search on
00:38:18and then I type in
00:38:20cool beds for little girls.
00:38:24And,
00:38:25and,
00:38:26and all these cool beds
00:38:28showed up online.
00:38:29I was like,
00:38:30just shit.
00:38:31I'd never,
00:38:31I didn't even dream about seeing.
00:38:33And then,
00:38:33and she goes,
00:38:34daddy,
00:38:34I want a castle bed.
00:38:36And I'm like,
00:38:36I want a castle bed too.
00:38:38I mean,
00:38:39for you.
00:38:40So we find this castle bed.
00:38:42It's amazing.
00:38:43It's a,
00:38:44it's a queen size bed on the bottom,
00:38:46full queen size bed.
00:38:47And then it's got stairs
00:38:49that lead upstairs
00:38:50to a double bed
00:38:52and it has a steeple
00:38:53like a castle.
00:38:54And then it has a slide
00:38:55that comes around the other side.
00:38:57And my daughter's like,
00:38:58daddy,
00:38:58I want that one.
00:38:59And I go,
00:38:59I want you to have that one too.
00:39:01And we're like high-fiving.
00:39:02Yay.
00:39:03Yay.
00:39:04And she goes,
00:39:05is it going to be here tomorrow?
00:39:06Wait,
00:39:06let me,
00:39:06let me first buy it.
00:39:09So I'm like,
00:39:09add to cart.
00:39:10Yes.
00:39:11Check out.
00:39:12Yes.
00:39:13And,
00:39:13and she's like,
00:39:13will it be here?
00:39:14I go,
00:39:14let me,
00:39:15hold on.
00:39:15Let me just hit purchase,
00:39:16purchase $10,000.
00:39:18I'm like,
00:39:19fuck me.
00:39:20My daughter's like,
00:39:20what?
00:39:21No,
00:39:21no,
00:39:21no,
00:39:21no,
00:39:21no,
00:39:22no,
00:39:22no.
00:39:22And I had to buy it
00:39:25because she was sitting right there
00:39:27and I got her all excited about it
00:39:28and I bought a $10,000 bed
00:39:30for a fucking three-year-old
00:39:31and this little bitch
00:39:32hasn't slept in it once.
00:39:37Two fucking years
00:39:38and she hasn't slept in the goddamn bed.
00:39:40She has a queen-size bed
00:39:46from the age of three.
00:39:50I never had a queen-size bed
00:39:51till I was 30.
00:39:56And that was because
00:39:57that's when I moved out
00:39:57of my parents' house.
00:40:00And I know for you guys 30,
00:40:02I'm like,
00:40:02for an Indian guy,
00:40:03that's pretty young,
00:40:03but
00:40:03I was,
00:40:07I was 30 when I moved out
00:40:09and my brother was 36.
00:40:12He was,
00:40:13he goes,
00:40:13where are you going?
00:40:14I'm moving out.
00:40:14Well,
00:40:14I better go with you.
00:40:15I don't want to look like a loser.
00:40:17It's too late.
00:40:18You're 36.
00:40:19It's,
00:40:20you have kids,
00:40:24sir?
00:40:25How many?
00:40:26Two.
00:40:27Are those them?
00:40:29Those your kids with you?
00:40:30No?
00:40:31Okay.
00:40:33I just saw two more white people.
00:40:35I figured they might be yours,
00:40:36you know?
00:40:38What do you have?
00:40:39A daughter and a son.
00:40:40A daughter and a son.
00:40:41And who's older?
00:40:42The daughter or the son?
00:40:42Daughter.
00:40:43Daughter.
00:40:43And which one do you like better?
00:40:45Both?
00:40:46Wait, wait,
00:40:46listen to the question, sir.
00:40:49What's your name?
00:40:50Greg.
00:40:50Greg.
00:40:51Okay, Greg.
00:40:52When I ask you
00:40:53which one of your kids
00:40:54do you like better,
00:40:54I'm not asking you
00:40:55which one do you love more.
00:40:57I don't think you love
00:40:58either of them
00:40:58more than the other,
00:40:59correct?
00:40:59Yes.
00:41:00You love them both equally.
00:41:01You don't want anything bad
00:41:03to happen to either of them.
00:41:04But you like one better.
00:41:06It's human nature, Greg.
00:41:09Listen,
00:41:10liking one of your children
00:41:11more than the other
00:41:12is literally the difference
00:41:13between running and walking.
00:41:15Let me explain.
00:41:16You're in the living room.
00:41:17You're watching TV.
00:41:18And all of a sudden
00:41:19you hear somebody
00:41:19fall down the stairs.
00:41:20Oh my God,
00:41:25who was that?
00:41:26It's me.
00:41:26Oh my God.
00:41:28Right?
00:41:29Okay.
00:41:34You're sitting in the living room.
00:41:36You're watching TV.
00:41:36All of a sudden you hear
00:41:37Oh my God,
00:41:41who was that?
00:41:42It's me.
00:41:43Oh, for fuck's sakes.
00:41:44You're still going to go.
00:41:52But which one
00:41:52are you running for?
00:41:55Probably the girl, huh?
00:41:58How old are they?
00:41:59My daughter's 14.
00:42:00Daughter's 14?
00:42:0128.
00:42:02Your son's 28.
00:42:02Wait, I thought you said
00:42:03your son was younger.
00:42:05Oh, he's older.
00:42:06Oh yeah, so yeah,
00:42:07it's the baby always.
00:42:08It's the little girl, right?
00:42:10Yeah, it's the way we work.
00:42:12What's your name, buddy?
00:42:13Omar, where's your family from?
00:42:16Egypt.
00:42:16Oh shit, that's Sphinx.
00:42:21Nope, that joke flew right past him.
00:42:22I like that.
00:42:24I waited on it for a sec,
00:42:25but nope, didn't go anywhere.
00:42:27And is that your girlfriend,
00:42:28your wife?
00:42:29Your wife.
00:42:30And she's not Egyptian, right?
00:42:32Are you okay, sweetheart?
00:42:33Are you a hostage?
00:42:40Blink if you need help.
00:42:43Now, you grew up in Poland.
00:42:53When did you move to Canada?
00:42:55In 82.
00:42:5682.
00:42:57So when you grew up in Poland,
00:42:58were you learning,
00:43:00were they speaking Russian back then?
00:43:02I had to take Russian.
00:43:02You had to take Russian, right?
00:43:03Yeah, I knew that, right?
00:43:04So you speak Russian or understand it
00:43:06to a certain degree?
00:43:06Yeah.
00:43:06I just learned how to say
00:43:08how are you in Russian, that's why.
00:43:10You know what I'm saying
00:43:10how are you in Russian, Vince?
00:43:12Cock dealer.
00:43:14I swear, this Russian guy
00:43:16walks to me and goes,
00:43:17hey, cock dealer.
00:43:17I go, hey, hey, hey, hey, man.
00:43:23I don't give a shit
00:43:23if you're a blackjack dealer,
00:43:25all right?
00:43:26Don't come around here
00:43:27offering me all that.
00:43:28When you find vag dealer,
00:43:30send her over.
00:43:30I like listening to people
00:43:37speak Russian.
00:43:37You ever heard people
00:43:38speak Russian?
00:43:39It's amazing.
00:43:39They just sound like
00:43:40they're talking backwards
00:43:41the whole time.
00:43:42Vladimir.
00:43:58That's a real swear word
00:43:59in Russian.
00:44:00Black.
00:44:03It's almost like
00:44:04they didn't have a swear word
00:44:05and some guy drank
00:44:06too much vodka one night.
00:44:07Boris, how do you feel?
00:44:08Black.
00:44:10He feels black.
00:44:13Are there any Russian people here?
00:44:15Oh, all right.
00:44:16Where are you?
00:44:18You Russian, bro?
00:44:20What's your name?
00:44:22What?
00:44:22Anand?
00:44:28Omar.
00:44:29Where are you from, Anand?
00:44:37Your parents are from Uzbekistan.
00:44:41Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.
00:44:44Okay, so, yeah, you're Russian.
00:44:46You speak Russian?
00:44:47Nice.
00:44:48Well, maybe you can clear
00:44:49this up for me.
00:44:50Last summer, I had to do some
00:44:54plumbing work on my house
00:44:56in Los Angeles,
00:44:58and I hired these two Russian plumbers.
00:45:01Great guys.
00:45:02First, let me just say this.
00:45:03They were great guys.
00:45:04They were reasonably priced.
00:45:05They were on time.
00:45:06They were tidy.
00:45:07They did good work.
00:45:09They never gave me any problems.
00:45:11They were respectful.
00:45:11but every day
00:45:15when they would come to work,
00:45:16they would call me by my last name
00:45:18and then giggle like little kids.
00:45:20Good morning, Mr. Peter.
00:45:27I'm like, it's Peter's, Mr. Peter's.
00:45:29Okay, Peter.
00:45:30You know, why don't you just call me Russell?
00:45:36Okay, Russell, Peter.
00:45:40And I'm like,
00:45:41what the fuck are they laughing at?
00:45:43So I called one of my Russian friends.
00:45:44I'm like, yo,
00:45:45every day these guys come to the house,
00:45:46they call me by my last name
00:45:47and then they giggle.
00:45:48He goes, well, what are they saying?
00:45:49Mr. Peter.
00:45:50And then he's like,
00:45:51that's messed up, man.
00:45:55I go, why?
00:45:56Yeah, your last name
00:45:57in Russian, it means faggot.
00:46:03Like, do you mean gay?
00:46:05No.
00:46:06Homosexual.
00:46:07No.
00:46:08Faggot.
00:46:10Mr. Peter.
00:46:13Seems your pipes are blocked.
00:46:16Nice castle bed, Peter.
00:46:27I'm what they call a sleeper.
00:46:31I'm lazy.
00:46:32That's what I'm trying to tell you.
00:46:33I love sleep.
00:46:34Like, I genuinely,
00:46:36if I can get 14 hours a day,
00:46:38I'm good.
00:46:39I think I might have been like a koala
00:46:41in my last life or something,
00:46:42you know what I mean?
00:46:43But I just love sleep.
00:46:46Let me tell you something.
00:46:47I've been doing stand-up for 27 years.
00:46:48Not because,
00:46:49I do love what I do,
00:46:50don't get it wrong,
00:46:51but I didn't get into this because I was like,
00:46:53oh, I'm going to be fucking,
00:46:55one day I'll be something.
00:46:57No, I got into this because in 1989,
00:46:59I was standing around with my friends
00:47:00and I was like,
00:47:01yo,
00:47:02I want to get a job
00:47:03where I could sleep all day
00:47:05and then work for like,
00:47:08I don't know,
00:47:08like an hour.
00:47:15My friend goes,
00:47:16uh, comedian.
00:47:17I'm like,
00:47:17I'll take it.
00:47:19You don't know how.
00:47:20I'll figure it out.
00:47:21This isn't talent.
00:47:22This is determination
00:47:24for sleep.
00:47:27I love sleep.
00:47:28And when we're sleeping with you,
00:47:30ladies,
00:47:30and I mean sleeping with you,
00:47:32uh,
00:47:33just sleeping,
00:47:34you need to know that your man
00:47:36respects your sleep
00:47:38because a man,
00:47:40I mean,
00:47:40I,
00:47:40I,
00:47:41when I'm sleeping,
00:47:42my girlfriend's beside me,
00:47:43I will do whatever it takes
00:47:44to not disturb her sleep.
00:47:46And I would hope she would do the same,
00:47:48but I will do whatever it takes
00:47:50to not ruin her sleep.
00:47:51Obviously,
00:47:52there's those times,
00:47:53you know,
00:47:53you roll over in the middle of the night,
00:47:55you know,
00:47:55it's,
00:47:55uh,
00:48:12uh,
00:48:16uh,
00:48:17uh,
00:48:23uh,
00:48:24Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
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00:58:06Je vois des gens de chien mais je ne vois pas de canadien.
00:58:12Vous savez quoi ?
00:58:13Vous êtes là ?
00:58:14Vous êtes là ?
00:58:15Vous êtes là ?
00:58:16Oui, c'est là.
00:58:17C'est là.
00:58:18C'est là.
00:58:19C'est là.
00:58:20C'est là.
00:58:21C'est là.
00:58:22C'est là.
00:58:23Je m'aime quand je retourne.
00:58:24Je suis venu pour 10 ans.
00:58:26C'est bizarre parce que quand vous vous êtes éloignée,
00:58:28vous êtes n'aimés ici,
00:58:29et vous ne vous connaissez pas les choses
00:58:31à partir de vous.
00:58:32Et je n'ai jamais vraiment l'écouté
00:58:34de la canadienne accent.
00:58:35Et je n'ai jamais eu l'écouté.
00:58:36Maintenant que je suis venu,
00:58:37c'est tout que je veux dire.
00:58:38Et si vous pensez à la canadienne accent,
00:58:41c'est l'écouté et d'un exact même temps.
00:58:44Oh, Christ, look at vous, eh ?
00:58:46Oh, yeah.
00:58:49Oh, yeah.
00:58:50Hey, are you back in town ?
00:58:51Oh, no, c'est un hologram.
00:58:52Vous êtes looking at, asshole.
00:58:57Oh, no doubt, eh ?
00:58:58No doubt, no doubt, eh ?
00:58:59Oh, fuck, yeah.
00:59:00Oh, yeah.
00:59:01No doubt.
00:59:02Oh, no doubt.
00:59:03No doubt.
00:59:04Oh, yeah.
00:59:05White people talk, though.
00:59:06They have no breath.
00:59:07Oh, fuck, I said no doubt.
00:59:08No doubt, eh ?
00:59:09Oh, fuck.
00:59:10So you're going to tape the new special, are you ?
00:59:11Oh, yeah.
00:59:12Right on, right on.
00:59:13If you ever, like, if you're, like, I know you, you probably don't hear it, even when I'm doing it, like, well, it sounds normal to me, but you really got to pay attention.
00:59:20Listen to, like, a hockey player in an interview.
00:59:22They always say and sound the exact same way.
00:59:23Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, we got out there tonight and, you know, coach says we need to get together and play more as a team and, you know, push the puck around and look for openings and see the guys out there and, you know, pretty much have a good game of hockey.
00:59:35No doubt, no doubt.
00:59:36Oh yeah.
00:59:37Oh yeah.
00:59:38Oh yeah.
00:59:39Yeah, you know, pretty much have a good game of hockey.
00:59:41No doubt.
00:59:42No doubt.
00:59:43Oh yeah.
00:59:44No fucking doubt, eh ?
00:59:48Oh yeah.
00:59:49You're born in Canada, right, sir.
00:59:50Hello?
00:59:51Yeah.
00:59:52Hello?
00:59:53Oh yeah.
00:59:54No fucking doubt, eh ?
00:59:55Oh yeah.
00:59:56No, yeah.
00:59:57Oh yeah.
00:59:58You're born in Canada, right, sir?
01:00:00Hello.
01:00:01I'm graduating.
01:00:02Yeah.
01:00:03Yeah.
01:00:04C'est bon, c'est bon, c'est bon, c'est bon, c'est bon.
01:00:34C'est bon, c'est bon, c'est bon.
01:01:04C'est bon, c'est bon.
01:01:06C'est bon.
01:01:08C'est bon.
01:02:10C'est bon.
01:02:12C'est bon.
01:02:14C'est bon.
01:02:16C'est bon.
01:02:18C'est bon.
01:02:20C'est bon.
01:02:22C'est bon.
01:02:24C'est bon.
01:02:26C'est bon.
01:02:28C'est bon.
01:02:30C'est bon.
01:02:32C'est bon.
01:02:34C'est bon.
01:02:36C'est bon.
01:02:38C'est bon.
01:02:40C'est bon.
01:02:42C'est bon.
01:02:44C'est bon.
01:02:46C'est bon.
01:02:48C'est bon.
01:02:50C'est bon.
01:02:52C'est bon.
01:02:54C'est bon.
01:02:56C'est bon.
01:02:58C'est bon.
01:03:00C'est bon.
01:03:02C'est bon.
01:03:04C'est bon.
01:03:06C'est bon.
01:03:08C'est bon.
01:03:10C'est bon.
01:03:12C'est bon.
01:03:14C'est bon.
01:03:16C'est bon.
01:03:18C'est bon.
01:03:20C'est bon.
01:03:22C'est bon.
01:03:24C'est bon.
01:03:26C'est bon.
01:03:28C'est bon.
01:03:30C'est bon.
01:03:32C'est bon.
01:03:34start picturing white immigrants because they look just like you they look exactly like regular white
01:03:40people but then they open their mouth and no english nothing you can always tell by looking
01:03:49at them though you know like like look at white regular white canadians or white americans they
01:03:53always look bored their body language it's all in the body language they always look like
01:03:56like nothing impresses them you know but like white immigrants you look at their body language
01:04:09electricity
01:04:13i can go bathroom indoors who's going to clean the bucket
01:04:22you know the good thing about my job is that i get to travel around the world
01:04:25and see all kinds of things i've seen the whole world is that your mom with you dan
01:04:30hi mom how are you um how old are you mom
01:04:36old enough to know better well and old enough to start to forget but um
01:04:42but
01:04:46everyone russell hey man she started it
01:04:49i'm really immature ma i apologize
01:04:57uh have you have you you're obviously retired i would hope um have you do you travel at all
01:05:01have you gone around the world at all no you got to do it you got to go take dan with you so he could
01:05:07fucking stare at things
01:05:15i'm fucking with you dan i'm sorry buddy
01:05:21but you gotta let me tell you something i've been doing this 27 years
01:05:24born and raised in canada i've been living in the u.s for 10 years i've seen the entire world a few
01:05:29times now it's round i don't know what i don't know how old you are i don't know what you were
01:05:33taught but it's round now it's uh confirmed confirmed and um
01:05:41it's a wonderful world we live in it's a great place and uh you got to go and see it you know
01:05:46i like white people need to travel more i think that's that's an issue you know and by travel more
01:05:51i don't mean go to play like when i am when i'm in the states and i ask you could travel yeah i travel
01:05:55all over the place where do you go uh florida uh new york uh seattle i'm like that's not
01:06:00fucking traveling that's going in the country you live in indian people try the same
01:06:05bullshit you travel oh i travel all the time i go to india and back and that's not traveling
01:06:12you're indian and you go to india that's not traveling that's going back to where the
01:06:16you came from i remember growing up when i was a kid when my family was going to india it was the
01:06:23most hush hush operation it was like my dad would give me two days notice son in two days we're going
01:06:29to india don't tell anybody why not they'll want us to take a suitcase
01:06:37i'm not going to india i'm not going to india i'm not going to india but i'm waiting for you guys to
01:06:55sort your shit out um i've been to china i've been to hong kong been to macau been to the philippines
01:07:02been everywhere been to south africa not been to italy once you know had an itchy dick the guy
01:07:08thought i was talking to him you know hey but having traveled the whole world let me tell you
01:07:20this i realized something i can only live in north america and and and whether it's canada or the
01:07:29u.s doesn't bother me as long as i'm in this continent i'm good but if they were like russell
01:07:35you can no longer live in north america you must leave immediately the only other place i would
01:07:39consider living would be bombay india and uh i'll tell you what i love i love bombay it's one of my
01:07:46favorite places in the entire world the reason i love bombay is because i love new york and bombay
01:07:51reminds me of new york but with less indian people in bombay
01:08:00you gotta go to india mom you gotta go to india trust me on this before it's all over go to india
01:08:06and i'll and i'll tell you why you got to go because the five senses that you were born with
01:08:11have never been fully utilized until you go to india and going to brampton doesn't count i mean india
01:08:22if you go to india you'll experience sight sound and smell in less than one minute
01:08:26you'll just be standing here
01:08:27did a sheep just fart and drive a train ask me what the hell was that
01:08:43you gotta go you gotta go to india and say let's just say you go right say you go to bombay
01:08:49i'll warn you in advance there's a lot of people there a ton of people
01:08:54but it's not dangerous so you don't have to worry about that but say you get there and you get
01:08:58freaked out you're like this i'm staying in my hotel room it's worth going there to just sit in
01:09:03your hotel room and watch the news watching the news in india is the best thing you've ever seen in
01:09:08your life they have the craziest news you've ever seen in your life like if any one of those things
01:09:14that happens in india on a daily basis happened in america just once america would shut down
01:09:19because let's be honest america loves to panic that's how they control the american people
01:09:25they feed them with all these lies and propaganda that's how they the media controls the american
01:09:30people that's that's how they think oh you better not leave america because look what they're doing
01:09:34over there you're crazy you know they do that's how they control the people with the media and you
01:09:40don't believe me remember a couple of years ago ebola remember that ebola's here we're all gonna die
01:09:46i'm like oh my god how many people have it one guy
01:09:52but he's black and he's fast we can't catch him
01:10:01and whenever anything bad happens in america they always have these overly dramatic newscasts
01:10:06it's a sad day for america and an even worse day for americans
01:10:16we'll be right back after these messages
01:10:23then they always cut to my favorite commercial i'm wilfer grimly when i first found out about my diabetes
01:10:31i knew it'd be a problem because i can't pronounce diabetes
01:10:39you watch the news in india they deliver the worst news you've ever heard in your life so casually
01:10:44today 743 people are dead
01:10:49as a bicycle collided with a goat
01:10:54funeral services for the goat will be held this weekend
01:10:57followed by a delicious goat curry
01:10:59thank you very much guys you were awesome
01:11:02good night
01:11:14what up just rain
01:11:25yeah
01:11:48thank you
01:11:51C'est parti.
01:12:21C'est parti.
01:12:51C'est parti.
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