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مسلسل Last Man Standing مترجم - Episode 2
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00:03Well, beautiful wife, beautiful night, great cup of coffee, end of the work day, couldn't
00:09be better.
00:11Dad!
00:13You never want to get too happy.
00:14They sense it, then they just crush it.
00:18What?
00:19I'm meeting Travis at the mall.
00:20Can I have some money for Java Jimmy's?
00:22Coffee?
00:22We got coffee right here.
00:24French press.
00:25Here.
00:26Tastes Columbia's second largest cash crop.
00:31Oh, not, not for a moment, no.
00:33No.
00:34That was my coffee.
00:37So, can I have $20 or...
00:39$20 for a cup of coffee?
00:41I'm a huge tipper.
00:42It's kind of my thing.
00:43I just feel so sorry for anybody that has to wear an apron.
00:47You ask me why I put rum in here?
00:49This is why.
00:52You want money.
00:54Maybe you should do what other people do.
00:55Get my own reality show.
00:56Dad, I'm trying.
00:58How about a part-time job?
01:01A job?
01:03Come on.
01:06Oh, my God.
01:07Are we poor?
01:09You are.
01:11We're doing very well.
01:15You sure about this?
01:16She's 16.
01:17I'm 17, Dad.
01:1917?
01:20She should...
01:20We should think about getting her a job.
01:22It's just easier to give her money.
01:24We just can't be lazy with her kids.
01:26We're better than that.
01:27Are we?
01:30Mom!
01:31Dad!
01:33Just go, go, just go, go.
01:35Go, go, go.
01:36Get it, get it.
01:37Ow, ow, ow, ow!
01:44Oh, that's my boy.
01:47Hey, hey.
01:49Morning.
01:49Hey, morning, guys.
01:50Morning, Dad.
01:51Why do I smell french fries?
01:53Oh, that's the diner.
01:54I always smell like work.
01:56Well, thank God you don't work for a plumber.
02:00Ow!
02:00Ow, my leg!
02:01Mother!
02:05Father!
02:07Oh, that is so dangerous.
02:09Oh, I really whacked my shin.
02:10No, Boyd, you could have gotten into those cleaning supplies.
02:14My tibia is throbbing.
02:16I'm seeing stars here.
02:17You know, we should baby-proof the house.
02:20You know, there's that guy on TV that does it.
02:22Oh, I know who you mean.
02:23He's all over the internet, too.
02:24There's some clicking come from inside my knee.
02:26Can you hear that?
02:27Listen.
02:29Found him.
02:32Hi, folks.
02:33Bet you didn't know that if you have children, your house is a deadly time bomb waiting to
02:37explode.
02:37Light sockets?
02:38Peril.
02:39Stairs?
02:40Peril.
02:41Why, even the TV you're watching right now?
02:43Peril.
02:44In fact, in the time since this ad began, six more tots have tried to eat something larger
02:49than their own esophage.
02:51Come on.
02:52Come on.
02:53Come on.
02:55Poor Boo Boo Bobby.
02:57Don't let this be you.
02:58Instead, call me, Chester McAllister, advanced child-proofing expert.
03:03We worry, so you don't have to.
03:05Trademark pending.
03:07Certified baby-proofer?
03:08How is that a job?
03:10You don't think any job's a job unless it's your job.
03:12I'm just saying, you don't need a professional to baby-proof.
03:16Don't want him in that little cupboard down there?
03:18You use one of these.
03:20It's called a rubber band.
03:22You mo-
03:24You hear that clicking?
03:27Huh?
03:29Loop it a couple times around there like that?
03:32Baby-proof.
03:33That's what your mom and I did when you guys were kids.
03:35Yeah, we only had to call it poison control twice.
03:38Yeah, once was your mom's potato salad.
03:40Oh, I'm so sick of hearing about that potato salad.
03:42I lost a quart of water that day.
03:43You know, but like my mom-
03:44That's because she tried to kill us.
03:45Potato salad, mayonnaise.
03:46So the point is, you kids turned out fine.
03:50Well, fine-ish.
03:51Look at you.
03:53First day of work.
03:54Still don't get why I have to have a job.
03:55It's so unfair.
03:56Oh, you're going to be selling clothes.
03:58You love clothes.
03:59And you get to work at the mall.
04:00You love the mall.
04:00I think it's good you're getting a job.
04:02You treat Dad like an ATM.
04:04Yes, and I'm not an ATM.
04:06You know how I know?
04:07I only speak English.
04:09Good one, Dad.
04:12Here's 20.
04:13Whoa, hey, why doesn't she have to work?
04:14Because I don't need money.
04:16I've got everything I want.
04:17In fact, here, Dad.
04:20I insist.
04:21Wouldn't even know what to do with it.
04:27I'll take that 20 now.
04:29You earned it.
04:33Mike, come here.
04:34This new tracking device is great.
04:36It pinpoints your hunting dog's position and speed every five seconds.
04:40Look at that little bugger's moving pretty fast with a brush out back.
04:43Look at that.
04:43Whose dog is that?
04:45Why is it coming in the building?
04:46All right, you'll soon see.
04:48You should be coming through that door in three, two, and...
04:58Look at that.
05:02That's a good trial run, Kyle.
05:04Good trial run.
05:06I'm starting to think you're only keeping me around for these humiliating jobs.
05:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:11It's the kind of stuff you get sued for, Ed.
05:13Come on.
05:14I'm hazing the new guy as a male rite of passage.
05:18When I was a grunt in the service, they tied me to a tree with a garden hose.
05:22Big deal.
05:23The tree was on fire.
05:27They put it out with urine.
05:32Daddy?
05:34Daddy!
05:35Hey.
05:36Aren't you supposed to be at work?
05:37Yeah, it's my lunch break.
05:38Hey, can you front me $500?
05:41No, get in there.
05:45There was a workplace accident.
05:47What happened?
05:48I accidentally used my employee discount to buy a lot of cute clothes.
05:53This isn't the right job for you.
05:55That's so weird.
05:56That's exactly what my manager said.
05:59Mike, you gotta see this.
06:01I've got Kyle chasing a delivery truck.
06:11Hey, honey.
06:13Why is there a van up front that says safe havens?
06:15Are we having an intervention?
06:18You got me.
06:18I turned your office into a meth lab.
06:21It's the baby proofing guy.
06:23He's here for a consultation.
06:24I know who it is.
06:25It's that Huckster from TV.
06:27I can't believe you invited him over here without asking me.
06:29I made the appointment.
06:31And I brought home pie.
06:32You can't distract me with a very warm, delicious-looking pie.
06:36Let's just hear what this guy has to say.
06:38Yo, Herbert, he had to say.
06:40What if I promise we won't do anything unless we're both on board?
06:43Oh, this is like we're not going to buy a floral comforter unless we're both on board.
06:46It's not floral.
06:47It's paisley.
06:49Flowers that are shaped like sperm are still flowers.
06:54Are you going to participate or not?
06:56Or not.
06:57I'll be in my office looking at Russian mail-order brides to replace you.
07:02Don't put me down as a reference.
07:08Do you know, there's no greater killing machine than the coffee table.
07:15I like to call it the coffin table.
07:25Okay, who here has electrical outlets?
07:28Show of hands.
07:35Wow, that's a lot.
07:38Now imagine this.
07:40You're two years old and you want to make a deposit in the bank.
07:43So you take your penny and you put it in the electrical socket.
07:46Oh, for crap's sake.
07:50Mike, you said you didn't want to participate.
07:52Well, you know what I'm doing.
07:52I'm on the internet.
07:53I'm just looking for stories about children.
07:56You know, they put coins in electric outlets.
08:00You know the weird thing?
08:01There aren't any.
08:05Look, I'm really sorry about him.
08:06He's just angry because, well, we don't really know why.
08:12Please, no apologies.
08:13As my grandfather used to say, ignorance is the devil's whoopee cushion.
08:19You know what?
08:20I bet my grandfather gave your grandfather wedgies in high school.
08:26Whoa.
08:27Someone's got a hot head.
08:29Quick fact.
08:30Children raised in volatile households have three times the rate of accidental dismemberment.
08:35Based on your statistics, 150% of kids under the age of four are dead already.
08:42Not on my watch.
08:46This banister is a terrible accident waiting to happen.
08:50A child could get his head stuck.
08:52His head stuck.
08:54That can't happen.
08:56Honey, maybe we should discuss this privately.
08:59What to discuss?
09:00I know.
09:01I think we should just do it.
09:02What happened?
09:03We won't decide anything unless both of us say yes.
09:05Yes?
09:05No?
09:06I know, but I changed my mind.
09:08Look, this guy's gotten into my head.
09:09Apparently, there's peril everywhere.
09:11He can make everything seem perilous.
09:14I mean, what if that painting fell off and decapitated the kid?
09:16That stool could come alive and go up and suffocate him.
09:19What if the kid swallowed one of those ugly throat pillows?
09:23Uh, a little help.
09:27What are you doing?
09:28I was trying to help prove your point, Mr. B.
09:31Don't help.
09:33Hey, Kyle.
09:34Once you get your head out of there,
09:35I'm going to tie it to a tree with a garden hose.
09:40We both know what happens after that.
09:48That baby prufer made a mess of everything.
09:51I'm going to have to burn this house down and start all over again.
09:53There's no way...
09:57I loosened it.
10:00Eh, boy can't open it either.
10:02Here, get in the car.
10:03Okay.
10:03Bye, Dad.
10:04Bye-bye.
10:04You're just acting stupid to make a point, but it's not going to work.
10:08Some baby-proofing was necessary.
10:10Deal with it.
10:11Bye.
10:12You're going to try to get a kiss after saying deal with it?
10:15Come on.
10:17But only because there's some butter left on your lip.
10:23Well, Dad, time for me to file for a little something called unemployment.
10:26All right, you're not unemployed.
10:28I got you a new job doing something I used to love to do.
10:31Delivering pizzas.
10:33Ooh, I'm a food handler, but what about my dignity?
10:36Eh.
10:38You know what a great philosopher once said about dignity?
10:40No, okay, never mind.
10:41I'll just do it.
10:42It's fine.
10:44A man's hands may be dirty.
10:46Oh, my God.
10:46Please open it.
10:46But his heart is pure.
10:48Oh, my God.
10:56Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
10:59It's our Blade of the Month.
11:01The Sog Seal Elite Series.
11:03Neoprene handle.
11:04It's this model after one that Navy Seals use.
11:07Those are tough SOBs, aren't they, the Navy Seals?
11:09You know why?
11:11Because when they fall down, their parents probably said, get up.
11:16Not the rest of us.
11:17We baby-proof our lives now.
11:18That eliminates the chance of surviving and adapting to things.
11:22Old Chuck Darwin would be rolling over in that wooden casket they put him in the ground in.
11:27You want to teach your kids how to survive?
11:29That's your job as a parent.
11:31Your kid can speak Spanish?
11:32Great.
11:33Chinese?
11:33Perfect.
11:34Poetry?
11:35Perfect.
11:36You want to teach them how to survive?
11:38How about jumping from the garage roof into the pool on a skateboard, huh?
11:42Or better yet, riding a bicycle down a hill, backwards, finding off other kids with their hands.
11:48You teach that kid how to survive.
11:50You've done your job as a parent.
11:52A parent.
11:52That kid will be able to fend up any day that comes his way.
11:56Like that Jason Bourne character we all like so much, huh?
12:00What?
12:04A little louder than usual, Mike, huh?
12:08Am I?
12:10Everything okay?
12:11Nah.
12:13They're baby-proof in my house because of Boyd.
12:15I think somebody trimmed my fingernails while I was sleeping.
12:19Well, they should have painted them pink, too, because you're living like a lady.
12:24Come on, don't start.
12:25That's too late.
12:26I've started.
12:28Baby-proofing.
12:30Bumps and bruises are how you learn.
12:32Yeah.
12:32You bang your head.
12:33You learn what?
12:34You learn not to bang your head.
12:36Simple.
12:36Don't you stick your hand in the fire?
12:37Oh, not to stick your hand in the fire.
12:39Come on.
12:39Hold on.
12:40Bumps and bruises and scar tissue.
12:42That's how you grow.
12:43I mean, like that big, ugly knot in your head there, huh?
12:47That's it.
12:48I've got that in the service, right?
12:50I don't want to talk about that.
12:53I can respect that.
13:03Was it, you know, the shrapnel or something?
13:06An ammo dump go up?
13:08The POW?
13:08What happened?
13:10Leaned over to tie my shoe and bang my head on the coffee table.
13:15Come on there.
13:17Coffee tables in the jungle?
13:19I was stationed on a beach.
13:21Nice little French colonial house.
13:25What about that scar on your leg you always show everybody?
13:29Commanding officer left a file drawer open.
13:34You said you got shot.
13:36I got a shot.
13:40Tetanus.
13:42Those metal file drawers are filthy.
13:45I mean...
13:47What about that limp you get when it rains?
13:50It's really hoping for a combat story.
13:52Prepare to be disappointed.
13:57Evie, I just got a weird text from Mandy.
14:00It says she's slinging zahs.
14:02Is that code for something that makes me a bad mother?
14:06No clue.
14:07I don't speak Mandy.
14:08It means I got her job delivering pizzas.
14:11To strangers?
14:14No, just to us.
14:18Wait, isn't that dangerous?
14:20Why don't you just get her the graveyard shift at a liquor store?
14:23Because she's not old enough?
14:27Baby, delivering pizzas is not dangerous.
14:30I did it as a kid.
14:30I thought we weren't going to do anything unless we both said yes.
14:33No.
14:34Why are you so against this?
14:36Because you were a boy.
14:38Mandy is a girl.
14:39An attractive teenage girl.
14:41Showing up at strangers' houses.
14:43One of which might have a cage in the basement.
14:48Your worldview saddens me.
14:51This is a good neighborhood.
14:52I have no concerns about this.
14:55Why are we following Mandy in my van?
14:58Because, you idiot.
14:59If she sees my truck, she'll know it's me.
15:02Got to follow her, but not too close.
15:04She's going right.
15:05Stay with me.
15:06Right, right, right, right, right.
15:09This is horrible.
15:10I want her to be independent, but I want her to be safe.
15:14How do you protect them and let them go at the same time?
15:17I think that it's important...
15:19Kyle, I'm not talking to you right now.
15:21I'm just pondering deep thoughts,
15:23and your presence here just makes it slightly less weird.
15:27I think you should just tell Mandy this was a bad idea
15:30and that she needs to quit.
15:33I don't...
15:34Oh, dear, sweet, innocent, ignorant Kyle.
15:37You know, I remember when I was your age.
15:39When you're young, everything's possible.
15:42Even admitting you're wrong
15:43to a household filled with women.
15:55Hey.
15:56Hi.
15:56We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt
15:58as an excuse to get frozen yogurt.
16:00You want to come?
16:02Now your dad's out,
16:03and I'm going to have a glass of wine
16:05and watch some trashy show
16:06that he would just ruin by shouting,
16:08that would never happen.
16:10Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.
16:30Oh, stupid peril.
16:41You drive like an old woman.
16:45That's it.
16:46I'll wear a collar.
16:47I'll run around like a dog.
16:49I'll even be mocked
16:49for getting my head stuck in a banister,
16:51which could have happened to anyone.
16:53But in this castle,
16:54I am the king.
16:55The king!
17:03Can we make this light?
17:05Yes, sir.
17:10It's just,
17:11sometimes I feel like you don't respect me.
17:15Kyle,
17:16I'm letting you date my daughter.
17:18In my world,
17:19that's the highest form of respect.
17:23I didn't think of it that way.
17:27You know,
17:28maybe the silver lining of us
17:29following Mandy
17:30is that we'll get to know each other
17:32on a deeper level.
17:35I've never told anyone this before, Mr. B,
17:37but I've always dreamed that I...
17:40Do I look like your diary?
17:44Wait a minute, wait a minute.
17:45She's pulling over.
17:46Right there, right there.
17:47Slow down, slow down, slow down.
17:58I'm going to go ahead and take a look.
18:00I want you to keep the motor running.
18:02Don't make a sound.
18:06The worst sidekick ever.
18:12Skylar F.,
18:13will you accept this rose?
18:16You know I will.
18:20Skylar F.,
18:21you never learn.
18:22Ah!
18:23Oh, boy.
18:26Oh, boy.
18:39Oh, boy.
18:44Oh, boy.
18:47Oh, boy.
19:16So what happened again?
19:17What aren't you getting here, honey?
19:20Our daughter thought I was a stalker, so she sprayed mace in my face.
19:26With such speed and accuracy, I'm actually quite proud of you.
19:31I know you want me to follow it in your footsteps, but do you mind if I find another job?
19:35You know, smelling like food is kind of Kristen's thing.
19:38I think it's a good idea.
19:39Daddy.
19:41I think it's a good idea to get another job, but not driving.
19:45You're a hazard out there.
19:47You sound like the crossing guard in my school.
19:51Hey, thank you for stalking me.
19:54That's what dads are for.
19:57Guess who peed in the kitty potty?
20:10Boyd.
20:12Yeah, of course.
20:14Boyd.
20:15Yeah, well, who else would it be?
20:17Yay.
20:18Oh, I'm so proud of him.
20:19I'm going to go get my camera.
20:21Good idea.
20:21And then I'm throwing away all his diapers.
20:24Uh, well, maybe hang on to a couple.
20:29Uh, you know, you, uh, you might have been right about the baby proofing.
20:37I was right?
20:38Yeah, I know I'm as stunned as you.
20:43It's bringing tears to my eyes, and I don't think it's just the mace.
20:47But you were wrong about the pizza delivery.
20:49But you were more wrong.
20:50What, are you keeping score?
20:52No.
20:52But if I was, it'd be 14-7.
20:54Oh.
20:56Oh.
20:56The point is, we need to decide things together.
20:59Mm-hmm.
20:59And we went a little nuts with the whole baby proofing thing.
21:02So, uh, if you're on board, I think we should just dial it back.
21:07What about Kristen?
21:09Ah, mother, father, nothing opens around here!
21:15I think she'll be okay with it.
21:16Uh-huh.
21:16Yeah.
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