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مسلسل Orange Is the New Black مترجم - Episode 3
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00:14The animal, the animal
00:17Trap, trap, trap till the cages fall
00:20The cages fall, today's new
00:23And everyone is waiting, waiting on you
00:26And you've got time
00:37Think of all the roads
00:40Think of all their crossings
00:43Taking steps is easy
00:46Standing still is hard
00:49Remember all their faces
00:52Remember all their voices
00:55Everything is different
00:58The second time around
01:03And you've got time
01:12And you've got time
01:37And you've got time
01:40And you've got time
01:41And you've got time
01:41To get time
02:04We're set.
02:06We're clearing out, man.
02:09What the fuck you doing?
02:11Cap wanted me to document the damage.
02:13You gotta check out this life-size fucking panda bear they got in the living room.
02:16Half burnt.
02:17He's got one melted plastic eye.
02:19Come on, I'll show you.
02:27That's what I say to her.
02:29You're the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month.
02:31She goes, but I'm not pregnant.
02:33And I go, you're not rescued yet.
02:35Hey, we're set.
02:36Where the fuck are you going?
02:37Country in the hose.
02:38Anyway, that fucking crying guy with the cat, remember him?
02:42I kept telling him the cat wasn't in the house.
02:43I'll see you next time.
02:45Oh, man.
02:46Oh, man.
03:17Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:40Oh, oh, oh, oh.
04:13Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
04:19You sick fuck.
04:20Do that in the bathroom.
04:22I got cancer.
04:30Is he allowed to watch us like that?
04:33Point stash.
04:34Yeah.
04:35He does whatever he wants.
04:37But one of these days, you're going to have to change your panties, Chapman.
04:39That shit's got to be getting ripe.
04:42Look at this.
04:43I asked Sophia to do my route.
04:45She says there's a two-week waiting list.
04:48I wouldn't let that he-she touch my head with a ten-foot pole.
04:52Well, hey, maybe I'll get lucky and go bald ever, but in the tits like Rosa.
04:55And Sophia's pole is a hole now.
04:59Watson, Bresnahan, and Diaz.
05:00Report to your counselor for your bunk assignments.
05:03Watson, Bresnahan, and Diaz.
05:05Finally.
05:06Wait, you got assigned?
05:08This is bullshit.
05:10You know, I did my time in shoe.
05:11How much longer are they going to keep me in here with Darth Vader and Mr. Klain?
05:14Fuck you.
05:16Why didn't I get assigned?
05:18They're probably sending her to Spanish Harlem.
05:21They're going to put you in the suburbs with the other white people.
05:24So how do they choose your roommate?
05:26Why?
05:27You afraid you're going to end up with your rock or lesgy girlfriend?
05:42Goals are the fuel in the furnace of achievement.
05:48Oh.
05:51Bitch, don't be cutting.
05:52There's a line here.
05:54Um, for the toilet?
05:55I just need to pee.
05:57Can I pee?
05:58Go pee, Kate.
06:01This better be hot.
06:02If I find another clump of hair in the drain, there's going to be trouble.
06:07Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
06:08It's okay, honey.
06:09You can look.
06:10I spent a lot of money for it.
06:14It's okay.
06:14It's all yours.
06:17That's okay.
06:17I think I'll just wait.
06:20You and me waiting a long time now.
06:26She's talking to the devil.
06:28Yeah, I got that part.
06:30That's Satan's style.
06:32At least Satan gets a door.
06:34Give it a week.
06:35You'll be pissing and fighting with the rest of us.
06:39Your commissary ain't come in yet?
06:41Oh, I think so.
06:44My, um, my ID number doesn't shop until tomorrow.
06:47You better hope they got what you need.
06:49They ain't had powder foundation in dark for three months.
06:51Can we walk around here with white face on?
06:54With those sad patch shower shoes?
06:56I'm not gonna save you.
06:58You need some of these.
07:00I made my own.
07:02Couture.
07:04Commissary during Carrie's last 13.
07:06Is that duct tape?
07:08Metallics are very in this season.
07:11Don't hold your big bathroom too long.
07:13Prison food stops you right up.
07:15You gotta get it out while you can.
07:17If you wanna skip that shower line,
07:18do the 5 a.m.
07:20or the 5 p.m.
07:21That's my secret.
07:23Why are you telling me all of this?
07:25Because I fucked up your hair.
07:27That shit looks broke.
07:29When your commissary comes in,
07:31swing by this alarm.
07:32I'll fix it right up for you.
07:35Okay.
07:38There's no point in playing shot, baby.
07:41You're home.
07:52I love you, I love you.
07:55I've already told you a lot of people.
08:15That's a fucking waste right there.
08:17A black girl with a white girl's booty.
08:19I mean, what's the point?
08:21Ooh.
08:23Watch out for this one, man.
08:24She looks real good.
08:25Then she opens her mouth,
08:26and she's got those
08:26snaggly fucking garbamel teeth.
08:30Fucking meth heads, man.
08:36Now that right there.
08:39That's a whole different species, my friend.
08:42Hey!
08:43Bursette!
08:46Come over here.
08:47The remainder of the detail for the shower room.
08:56Smell that.
08:57Smell that.
08:58That smell good to you?
09:00Mickey D's.
09:01How long has it been since you had one of these?
09:05Long time.
09:07No, you want some.
09:10You offering me a taste?
09:13You can suck it out of my dick.
09:16I don't do sausage on my breakfast sandwich.
09:22What the fuck are you doing inside the CO bubble?
09:27Your foot's over the line, Bursette.
09:28You better get back before I give you a shot.
09:35Shit is wild, right?
09:37Freaky.
09:38Freaky dicky freak town.
09:42Cyborg pussy.
09:45You better fucking perfect.
09:48Don't tell me you'd hit that.
09:50I live in the present, not in the past.
09:52Besides, she used to have a dick,
09:54so she knows what it likes.
10:03What'd you guys do about pussy in Iraq, anyway?
10:06What, did you fuck camels?
10:08I was in Afghanistan.
10:10You don't go anywhere near the camels,
10:11because sometimes they strip them up with explosives
10:13and they run them into camp, and...
10:14What?
10:16If you try to have sex with the girls there,
10:17the village throws rocks at them until they die,
10:19so there's not a lot going on.
10:21Plus, they're all dressed like beekeepers.
10:24Occasionally, a Russian hooker comes through.
10:25But those girls are nasty, and they cry a lot.
10:31All these offenders want a piece of me, Bennett.
10:34You know why?
10:36It's the fucking pheromones, man.
10:38You get them all locked up like this for a long time,
10:41and they get this prehistoric yearning for man stink.
10:47They just...
10:48They fucking hate my guts, you know?
10:51But they can't help themselves.
10:54I'm musty, and they love it.
10:57You don't really...
10:58What?
11:00Fuck them?
11:03Hell no.
11:04That's against the rules.
11:09I'll tell you what, Grasshopper.
11:12Some of these bitches would suck it for half a cigarette.
11:16Swallow.
11:17Lift your tongue.
11:19Okay.
11:20Move on.
11:21Black.
11:23Take these with food.
11:24No check.
11:25Ooh, you got me on the yellow ones.
11:26I like the yellow ones.
11:27Lost ten pounds on the yellow ones.
11:28But gave me that horrible rash on my cutter.
11:30Not my problem.
11:32Bursette.
11:35What are those?
11:36Those aren't my pills.
11:37They are now.
11:38The whole prison is going generic.
11:40What's the dose?
11:420.5 milligrams.
11:43That ain't enough.
11:44I need four of those.
11:45I do what the chart says.
11:47You can't just change my dose.
11:49Talk to your counselor, okay?
11:52Fadovich.
11:55You got a name, girl?
11:58That's your bed.
11:59Those two are your oaks.
12:01This ain't like the projects in here.
12:02I got rules.
12:03No sleeping all day, because it's depressing.
12:06Clean up after yourself.
12:07If I find mess on this floor, my floor, you're going to hear about it.
12:11And keep your food sealed.
12:13Because I don't need chipmunks or roaches in here trying to get their cup of noodles on.
12:17Plus, that poor excuse for food stinks too high.
12:19I sleep whenever I want, old lady.
12:24And I don't know what busted-ass country you come from, but this is America.
12:30And if I want noodles, I'll eat noodles.
12:33Now back off across your floor before I make you that mess you hate so much.
12:42Time to peel that orange, Chapman.
12:44You're one of us now.
12:45One of us.
12:46One of us.
12:48Goobble, goobble, goobble, goobble.
12:53Report for an assignment at the laundry detail.
12:56Nine and a half, right?
13:01Ten.
13:04Did your feet swell when you went back to boys?
13:07Fuck you.
13:10You can't just change people's meds.
13:12I got a line of golden girls complaining about blood pressure pills.
13:15Half this prison's on antidepressants.
13:17You take away their Zoloft, they're going to go off the rails.
13:20Monumentally bad.
13:21Monumental pain in my ass.
13:22In your ass, I'm juggling vendor changes, staff reductions.
13:25Look at me, I'm paying for my own coffee here.
13:26I've got a tranny camped out in my hallway yelling about her hormones.
13:30You can suck it up.
13:32Gee, Jesus.
13:33She could be a major headache for us.
13:35You're only required to give her enough to maintain it as a federal system.
13:38If he wanted to keep his girlish figure, he should have stayed out of jail.
13:42Why would anyone ever give up being a man?
13:44It's like winning the lottery and giving the ticket back.
14:05Hello, baby.
14:09Look at you getting your sweat on.
14:12You look all shiny.
14:14I bet you don't even smell funky.
14:17Oh, I knew you wouldn't.
14:20Are you a real woman, Chapman?
14:22A real grown woman?
14:23I'm not like all these other girls around here.
14:25I can't waste my time with these silly bitches.
14:27I need a real woman.
14:31I'm sure that you'll find one.
14:33I wrote a poem.
14:33You want to hear it?
14:34You know, that's fine.
14:35Before I met you, the sun was like a yellow grape.
14:40But now, it looked like fire in the sky.
14:44Why?
14:44Because you light a fire inside me.
14:53Wow.
15:00I wrote it for you.
15:04You know, my fiancée is a writer.
15:09I'm going to call you Dandelion.
15:12Because they're pretty and yellow just like you.
15:22What's going on?
15:24Locking up the track.
15:25Why?
15:26Budget cuts.
15:27No staff to cover it.
15:28But I have to run.
15:31This is the only thing that makes me feel normal.
15:33Y'all are going to have to do your swirl someplace else.
15:36Swirl?
15:38Chocolate and vanilla.
15:42Swirl.
15:45Swirl.
16:00Swirl.
16:01Okay, we don't need to get into it.
16:03Let me explain this for you.
16:05When my penis was split in half and inverted, my testes were removed.
16:10So I don't have any testosterone left to replace the estrogen that you've taken away from me.
16:16Okay.
16:17What do you want from me?
16:21I want to see a doctor.
16:22You can't go to the clinic unless it's an emergency.
16:25This is an emergency.
16:26Yeah, well, we don't see it that way.
16:33Was there something else?
16:35Yes.
16:46I'd like to report an emergency.
16:51Man, new bunkies trying to lay down all these rules and shit.
16:54You just go here, that go there.
16:56This how you be wiping your bonghole?
16:58Wait, you got a sign.
16:59What tournament are you in?
17:01Yo, girl, be careful messing with Miss Claudette.
17:04That woman is no joke.
17:05What?
17:05Is she going to put a voodoo curse on me?
17:08I don't know if she's got control issues.
17:10Word is she killed someone.
17:12That's why she's doing so much time.
17:13I believe it, too.
17:14You look in her eyes, you know she sees this shit.
17:17I'm not scared of her.
17:18You should be.
17:19I hear when she was down the hill, she threw a pot of boiling water in her bunkies' face.
17:22Burned her eyelids off.
17:24She be looking like Beetlejuice and shit.
17:26So?
17:28Let her come at me.
17:29Y'all, come on, now.
17:31Just see what she be messing with.
17:33Yo, the lady ain't taking a visitor in ten years, because she won't do strip search.
17:37And she ain't dookie the whole time she been locked up.
17:40Oh, come on.
17:41No, I'm serious.
17:42That's crazy.
17:43Nah, for reals, no one's ever seen her use the stars.
17:46That's the truth.
17:47She don't poop.
17:48She probably got a voodoo spell stopping off her butt.
17:51And that's some steel right there.
18:02Maxi Pants and Wings are back in the commissary.
18:23I had to rub Red's feet for this.
18:26Forty-five minutes.
18:27You can't sit there.
18:30How long are you going to do this?
18:32We both live here.
18:33We have to deal with each other.
18:35No, we don't.
18:36I plan on spending my entire sentence avoiding you.
18:39Get over it.
18:40We did some illegal shit, and we both got caught.
18:43You stole my life.
18:46You stole my good life that I made after you.
18:51Stay the fuck away from me.
18:58Is there a problem with you?
19:01No.
19:03You bother my friend here.
19:07Dandelion?
19:08Is she bothering you?
19:10No, we were just talking.
19:12Yeah.
19:14She is bothering me.
19:17And you need to be on your way,
19:19because she don't like talking to you not one bit.
19:25Are you kidding me?
19:26Move, bitch.
19:28This is my wife here.
19:30So you need to step.
19:31I will cut you.
19:33I will cut you, bitch.
19:36Don't make me cut you.
19:37You don't know where the fuck you are, bitch.
19:40You don't know me.
19:42Take it easy.
19:43Take it easy.
20:06I'm not your wife.
20:09I threw my pie for you.
20:17The head should pass through your body in three to five days.
20:21Unless you start vomiting or have severe cramping,
20:23it's best just let the body eliminate this on its own.
20:26I'm going to have to shit it out.
20:28If I made it down your esophagus,
20:29it should travel the rest of the way.
20:31If it doesn't pass in a week, we'll consider surgery.
20:34Pay close attention to your stool.
20:36I don't think I could miss it.
20:37I'm going to have to put you on suicide watch.
20:40What?
20:42Why?
20:43We take swallowers very seriously.
20:45You really think I would have eaten a bobblehead
20:47if I wanted to kill myself?
20:49Listen, Doc, I need my dosage.
20:52I've given five years, $80,000, and my freedom for this.
20:57I'm finally who I'm supposed to be.
20:59Do you understand?
21:00I can't go back.
21:05Look, I'd like to help you.
21:08Unfortunately, you have elevated levels of AST and ALT,
21:11which could mean liver damage.
21:13That's bullshit.
21:13That could mean anything.
21:17We're going to take you off your hormones entirely.
21:19Until we can schedule an ultrasound,
21:20get a clean read.
21:22But that could take months.
21:24I can offer you an antidepressant.
21:27Can't take it.
21:29Can I open them?
21:32All righty, open them.
21:37Oh, my God.
21:39Good or bad?
21:40Not good.
21:41You look like Hannah Montana.
21:44That skirt is...
21:45I thought it was so cute.
21:48That's what happens when I shop for myself.
21:51It's because I never got to be a teenage girl.
21:53And you never will be.
21:55You should be dressing like a classy grown-up lady.
21:58You think I'm classy?
22:00I can't have my husband walking around like a $2 hooker.
22:05Let's see.
22:10Yeah, this color looks good on you.
22:13Come here.
22:15Come here.
22:41I can't believe I'm doing this.
22:44You don't have to.
22:48Okay.
22:50That is much better.
22:53I can't, uh...
22:56I can't typically get the idea.
23:02Holy shit.
23:04I look hard.
23:07I look hard.
23:14Please keep it.
23:17Crystal.
23:18I'm fine with the rest of it.
23:19The hair and the makeup.
23:21I'll teach you all of it.
23:22You'll be a pro.
23:27Just please keep your penis.
23:31You know I can't.
23:32For me.
23:39You don't have to stay.
23:44No.
23:46Where would I go?
23:48This is my family.
23:57I got this for you.
23:59You can...
24:00You can try it on if you want.
24:01I'm 10 pounds up.
24:03Besides, your tits are better than mine.
24:08You're perfect.
24:10Come here.
24:29You can't leave me alone with my mother.
24:31I promised your brother I'd help him fix the roof of his trailer.
24:34I need a buffer.
24:36Why can't you just come and visit me every single waking moment that you're allowed to
24:40and make your life all about me?
24:42Piper, we talked about this.
24:43Okay?
24:44Visits every other week so I can have a life.
24:46You said that.
24:47These are your words.
24:48But I'm an idiot.
24:49Okay.
24:50Here's the game.
24:51You remember every rude thing she says.
24:54All right?
24:55And then next week, we will rank them in order from kind of crazy to truly bad shit bananas.
25:02It'll be fun.
25:03Come on, Piper.
25:04I can't...
25:05I can't cancel.
25:06He's living under a tarp.
25:07Jesus.
25:09When is he going to get his shit together?
25:12I'm not sure that Cal gets the family fucked up title anymore.
25:19You okay, Pipes?
25:23Are those groceries?
25:25Yes.
25:28But...
25:28You forgot to bring the bags.
25:31Uh, I did.
25:33But I'm going to eat the bag later, so don't worry.
25:35Planning is safe.
25:37Did you go to Whole Foods?
25:38What did you get?
25:39A bunch of stuff.
25:41No, no, no.
25:42Be specific.
25:43Tell me everything.
25:43In detail.
25:45Just take me away.
25:47Okay.
25:48Um, I got some crispy snap peas.
25:51I got some cherry juice for my smoothies.
25:54Oh, God.
25:55Smoothies.
25:57And then some purple kale.
25:58Uncle Eddie's vegan cookies.
26:00I can feel them in my mouth.
26:04Then I got, um, you know, those bulk roasted almonds?
26:09You know, with the, uh, with the sugar coating on the top?
26:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, the crack almonds.
26:15The crack almonds.
26:17And, uh, well, then I got some, uh, heirloom tomatoes.
26:22Last of the season.
26:24You know?
26:25Super plump and ripe and gorged.
26:28Almost.
26:29With some wet, juicy buffalo mozzarella.
26:34And some sweet, sweet-ass organic blueberries.
26:37Mmm.
26:38My cock is hard.
26:40And I'm rubbing it against your ass.
26:41What?
26:42What?
26:42What?
26:43Are you trying to have phone sex with me?
26:45I thought that's what we...
26:47Are...
26:48I'm confused.
26:50There are guards listening.
26:51They sit in a bubble and they listen.
26:53I'm sure people do it all the time.
26:55And there's a woman weeping next to me.
26:58Okay, well, I'm just gonna go jerk off, then, for the 500th time today.
27:04Um, sweetie, I'm sorry.
27:07No, it's...
27:08It's okay.
27:09I'm, uh, I'm reliving my youth.
27:11I'm 14 again.
27:13I know.
27:14I don't want to...
27:15I love you.
27:17Don't.
27:19I love your little boobs.
27:21Oh, my God.
27:24No.
27:32You're not allowed to put stuff on the walls.
27:35Everyone has stuff on their walls.
27:39Officer!
27:42What's going on?
27:43Tell us you gotta take that ugly shit down.
27:50Your kid draw that?
27:53I did.
27:55Sorry, I didn't mean...
27:57Oh, it's okay.
27:57I kind of messed it up.
27:59My eyes are too small.
28:02No, it's nice.
28:03I mean, it's cool that you can draw.
28:06It's art.
28:09So you're gonna allow that shit?
28:15She can leave it up.
28:20Fine.
28:21Then I'm gonna put my pictures up for Kanye.
28:24What did you do to your hair?
28:26I had to give it to a transsexual.
28:29For a weave.
28:32Interesting.
28:34Your dad sends his love.
28:35He wanted to come, but...
28:37No, I get it.
28:38He doesn't want to see me like this.
28:39Here.
28:41They didn't frisk me at the door.
28:43I mean, this could totally be a fake belly full of drugs.
28:45How would they ever know?
28:46I get strip-searched on the way out.
28:49Squat and cough.
28:51Oh, Piper, please.
28:52You didn't touch anything in that bathroom, did you?
28:55No.
28:56Everything around here is so sticky.
28:59But the people are much cleaner than I thought they'd be.
29:04How are you feeling, Paul?
29:07Large, hostile, nothing new.
29:09I am so excited for you.
29:11For all of us.
29:13It is so smart to do this now.
29:15I told Piper, it's much harder to conceive when you're in your late 30s.
29:20Thanks, Mom.
29:21No, but it's true.
29:22You just don't have a lot of time to waste.
29:25That's exactly what I need right now.
29:27A reminder of my ebbing fertility.
29:33I'll go get some snacks.
29:39The whole way up, she hummed Edith Piaf songs and ate pistachios.
29:43You owe me.
29:45I wanted a long time with you.
29:47I have a wife.
29:49What?
29:50A prison wife.
29:51Her name is Crazy Eyes, and she follows me everywhere.
29:54That really happened?
29:55Jeez.
29:57Are eyes, like, bulgy or a cross?
29:59Is one lid kind of droopy?
30:01What kind of crazy?
30:02They're just crazy.
30:02They're just full of crazy.
30:03It's terrifying.
30:05I'm afraid to tell Larry because I don't want him to worry,
30:07but she's extremely persistent.
30:10She follows me everywhere.
30:12She threw pie for me.
30:14Did she rape you?
30:16No, she didn't rape me.
30:18Oh.
30:19But she held my hand.
30:21Aw, that's kind of sweet.
30:23I wish Pete would hold my hand,
30:24but he says it makes his palms wet.
30:26And he won't stop laughing in birthing class.
30:28He was like a seventh grader.
30:30I just told you that I have a wife.
30:32I heard you.
30:33That really sucks.
30:33But you were supposed to be my wife, Piper, remember?
30:36I'm kind of freaking out that you're not going to be there.
30:40I know.
30:42I'm sorry.
30:43We just got this crib pad that sets off an alarm if the baby stops breathing,
30:47which could totally happen.
30:49I mean, that's a thing.
30:50And there's a skinny bitch in my prenatal yoga.
30:53She's a stick who swallowed a grapefruit.
30:55The other day, she asked me if I was having twins.
30:57Oh, thank God.
30:58I'm starving.
30:59Kiddles, did you know that inmates are not allowed to touch money in this place?
31:05The car just told me.
31:07Fascinating.
31:09So what about the Barneys order?
31:11Did you find a warehouse?
31:12I got a couple of sketchy bids.
31:13I haven't had time to go look.
31:15Well, that's why we hired Mariana.
31:16I fired her.
31:18She doesn't know how to make a Word document,
31:19and she doesn't shave her pits.
31:21Wait, but why didn't you ask me first?
31:24That's not fair.
31:26Oh, honey, it's not as if we can pick up a phone and call you.
31:29I know it's hard,
31:31but the rest of us have to keep living our lives.
31:44How are you doing, Mariana?
31:46I'm missing half of my zucchini.
31:47These girls don't realize I'm here to provide food,
31:50not pillows.
31:51I'm all out of cucumbers,
31:53carrots,
31:54beets.
31:55God knows what they're doing with those.
31:58Can't hang on to anything cock-shaped.
32:03Sorry.
32:04Too soon?
32:06A little.
32:07You, I don't understand you.
32:10I got three sons,
32:11and let me tell you,
32:12if they tried to do what you did,
32:14I'd chop off their hands
32:15before I'd let them get rid of their baby makers.
32:19I already made my baby.
32:22Listen,
32:23I need you to get something in.
32:24Talk to Gina.
32:26Talk to Gina.
32:26She takes my orders.
32:27You know how this goes.
32:28It's something that's hard to get.
32:30Estrogen peels or patches?
32:31I don't do drugs.
32:33It's medication?
32:33I got rules.
32:35I got rules.
32:35No drugs.
32:35Nothing like that comes through my kitchen.
32:37Besides,
32:38even if I wanted to help you,
32:39I don't have connections like that.
32:43Here.
32:45I don't know.
32:46My mom and she ate those during her menopause,
32:49and I'll get you some soy.
32:50But that's the best I can do.
32:54What if I have my own connections?
32:56Do you not hear me?
32:58Huh?
32:59It's not gonna happen.
33:01Listen, sweetheart.
33:03There's other channels.
33:07But I really don't think you want to go down that road.
33:13You want to go down that road?
33:15I say joyous.
33:16Those are cold.
33:17Those are gay.
33:18Like the LeBron's.
33:20You want the highs or the lows?
33:22Both.
33:23No.
33:23Pick one, baby.
33:24If it were up to me, my man,
33:26I'd say the lows.
33:27Those dunk mans are tight.
33:28They're the hottest pair of kicks to drop this year.
33:30How much?
33:32300.
33:34Go take them, right?
33:45Stand up.
33:46Check them out.
33:46You're gonna love those shoes.
33:48Excuse me.
33:48Do you have...
33:49Hey, Michael, what are you doing here?
33:54Oh, shit.
33:56Hi, Pat.
33:58Shit.
33:58Uh, yeah.
34:01I, uh, Deborah's doing some shopping,
34:04so I just thought I'd...
34:05Did you get my letter?
34:06I was hoping to hear from you.
34:08Yeah, I was, uh...
34:10I'm sorry.
34:11I gotta go.
34:15Take care, Michael.
34:19These kicks.
34:23Sometimes it's hard for people.
34:25Michael.
34:27Michael!
34:28Yo!
34:29Sir, ma'am, you need to pay for those.
34:35Attention inmates.
34:36Pharmacy window will be closing at 1530 hours.
34:41Hi.
34:43You wanted to see me.
34:45Yes, chap.
34:46Bravo dorms assembled for visitation hall.
34:48We do not choose roommates around here.
34:52This type of hanky-panky is against prison regulations.
34:56I warned you about this when you first came in.
34:58I...
34:59I don't...
35:00I don't know what you're talking about.
35:05Warren just informed me
35:07that you'd like to be bunked together.
35:10Warren?
35:11Who is that?
35:15Crazy eyes.
35:16This is not gonna fly around here.
35:18Not on my watch.
35:20Lesbian.
35:21Request denied.
35:23Okay, wait.
35:24I had nothing to do with that.
35:26Believe me.
35:26I...
35:27The last thing I want is to be anywhere near her.
35:28I've been trying to shake her for days.
35:30This didn't come from you.
35:32No!
35:33Absolutely not!
35:34Please don't put me with her.
35:36Please!
35:37I would...
35:37I would...
35:38I would like to stay as far away from that as possible.
35:41I was hoping that that was the case.
35:44She is completely nuts.
35:47No, I...
35:48I know.
35:48I've had trouble with her before.
35:50She's what we call a stud.
35:53Which is very confusing for a nice girl like you,
35:56because...
35:57Let's be honest.
35:58She looks like a man.
36:00If it were up to me,
36:01I'd take all the butch ones,
36:03and I'd put them in a little boy's wing,
36:05and I'd separate them from the general community.
36:08Ran that up the ladder a couple of times.
36:10Got no traction at all.
36:13My advice?
36:17Let her down easy.
36:20She's volatile, that one.
36:22She was removed from the puppy program.
36:28Lesbians can be very dangerous.
36:32It's the testosterone.
36:35They took my moisturizer, guys.
36:38I had to walk through the airport barefoot.
36:40I mean, if Bush fucking wins again,
36:42we're on the loser below.
36:48Hey, you.
36:50Laura Ingalls Wilder.
36:52We're escaping America before the apocalypse.
36:54Want to come?
36:56Sorry?
36:57What can I get for you?
36:59Oh, hi.
37:00I was wondering if you're hiring?
37:02No, sorry.
37:03Can I leave this with you?
37:05Honestly, it's just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere, so...
37:10Okay.
37:13Well...
37:17Can I have a margarita, then?
37:19That I can do, too.
37:24Go, go!
37:28It's a little cold out for a margarita, don't you think?
37:33Let's see this.
37:37Steve's Greek cuisine.
37:39Le Grand Fromage.
37:40Bullshit, bullshit.
37:42Maybe a lesson in fudging a resume.
37:44Do you work here?
37:45Are you fucking kidding me?
37:48Manager Polly Harper.
37:51No one named Polly Harper gets put in charge.
37:53Who is that, really?
37:54My friend.
37:57You've never waited a fucking table in your life, have you?
38:06So, Piper Chapman.
38:09The Smith grad with excellent listening skills.
38:12Passionate about making diners feel good.
38:14Mmm, that seems kind of dirty.
38:18Safe, clean, and careful when handling food and drink.
38:24I like that in a woman.
38:28What else do I need to know about you?
38:31Who are you?
38:34My name is Alex.
38:38What do you do, Alex?
38:41Besides make fun of strangers in bars.
38:44I work for an international drug cartel.
38:51Oh, come on.
38:52You're telling me you don't get lonely out here?
38:54In the middle of nowhere?
38:56No.
38:57I'm not into people.
38:58I'm more into beans.
39:00Did you see my long beans?
39:01They're going off.
39:03And my banjo.
39:05Those are my friends.
39:06My beans and my banjo.
39:09And I'm banging this underwater welder.
39:12Wow.
39:13You gotta have hobbies.
39:15What about you?
39:17What's happening with the writing?
39:18No gigs?
39:19I've been a little distracted.
39:21Maybe you heard my fiancé's in prison.
39:24Hey.
39:25When you visit, do you get to, uh...
39:30No, they don't allow conjugals in federal.
39:33It's a lot of me, myself, and I.
39:35Bummer.
39:36Oh.
39:37You gotta try edging, man.
39:39What is that?
39:40It's where you...
39:42You jerk off.
39:43Okay?
39:44Right to the point of orgasm.
39:48And then stop.
39:51And you do this because?
39:52Because your jizz is your power, man.
39:54It's spiritual.
39:55It keeps your chi inside.
39:56Especially if you got writer's block.
39:58You gotta walk right up to that line, bro.
40:01And not cross it.
40:03And this is something you do?
40:05Yeah.
40:05The welder chick taught me.
40:06See, you gotta, um...
40:08You gotta grab right underneath your balls.
40:10Like, right here.
40:11You really gotta get up right up in there.
40:13And it creates, like, a whole body thing.
40:15Kind of like a female orgasm.
40:17You know, most dudes, they don't know what women got,
40:19but trust me, bro.
40:21It is way, way better.
40:24A lot of creative people do it.
40:27In fact, they say that John Lennon wrote Imagine.
40:31Right at that sweet spot.
40:40Fifteen months!
40:42Whoa.
40:43It's a long time to wait.
40:45Even if it is for my sister.
40:46How about we don't talk about sex with your sister?
40:48Good point.
40:53Do you see this coming?
40:55With Piper?
40:56Oh, no.
40:58Not jail, but...
41:00Something.
41:00Yeah.
41:03She wants to feel like she's different.
41:07Likes the whole I'm risky thing.
41:12My sister's a complicated cat.
41:15So I'm learning.
41:18Not like my parents ever saw it.
41:21Between Perfect Piper and Dr. Danny,
41:23they met their quality parenting quota.
41:26But, like, I was free to smoke a bowl
41:28and fuck off for the rest of my life
41:30with nobody ever bothering me.
41:33Now, my mom's talking about coming up here to visit,
41:36putting me in the Christmas letter.
41:38Suddenly I'm Creative Cal.
41:41It's fucked up.
41:47Piper going to jail might be, like, the worst thing
41:49that has ever happened to me.
42:00Mom!
42:01Sophia!
42:02I got you a present.
42:04It's powder foundation and medium dark.
42:06I had to guess.
42:08I hope it's all right.
42:09Honey, it's perfect.
42:11That's real sweet of you.
42:14You're welcome.
42:19I got commissary.
42:21Look whose ship finally came in.
42:24Here.
42:25This is payback for all the stuff you gave me.
42:29And, Nicky,
42:32here's your cup.
42:33Mmm.
42:34And, um, Livia,
42:36that's interest.
42:37What don't you got, kid?
42:38I'll take that face wash.
42:40Don't be a commissary hoe, DeMarco.
42:42And these...
42:44It's like Christmas.
42:46Yo, P.
42:47Heads up.
42:48You got a visitor.
42:50Hello, baby.
42:54Can I talk to you?
42:58Please return to the front of the chapel.
43:03Listen,
43:04Suzanne,
43:06I, um,
43:08I know that you like me.
43:10I don't just like you, Piper.
43:12I got feelings.
43:15Love.
43:17Feelings.
43:18Yeah, I got that.
43:20Um,
43:22you know,
43:23maybe I was unclear,
43:24and I'm sorry
43:25if I gave you the wrong impression.
43:28But
43:31I
43:31cannot
43:32be
43:33your wife.
43:36I've already promised to be someone else's wife.
43:38Larry.
43:39Whom I love
43:41very much.
43:42And
43:42I'm just not interested in anybody else.
43:45This is nothing personal.
43:47But you and I?
43:51not going to happen.
43:57I feel you.
44:06Where is he?
44:07He won't come.
44:09I tried.
44:11They let him pitch Friday.
44:13It's a big game against Castle Hill.
44:16They won.
44:17That's great.
44:20You look like shit.
44:21What's wrong?
44:24They took me off my hormones.
44:26What?
44:26Why?
44:27They're saying it's liver damage.
44:28It's bullshit.
44:30They just don't want to be liable.
44:32Oh.
44:32I'm sorry, baby.
44:34I'm losing my shit, Crystal.
44:35I don't want to have to ask you.
44:38But I don't know what else to do.
44:44I need you to sneak him in.
44:51How?
44:53I don't know.
44:55You want me to shove him up my ass?
44:57Take him out in the bathroom?
44:58Then what?
44:59Put him in my mouth so I can kiss you?
45:01Have you lost your fucking mind?
45:03It's crazy, I know.
45:05You want me to get locked up, too?
45:06Oh, that's perfect.
45:07Then Michael can go live with my mother,
45:08who won't speak to me anymore at all.
45:11But you?
45:13Well, you'll have your smooth skin and your lady curves.
45:16So it'll all be worth it.
45:18I shouldn't have asked.
45:19I'm sorry.
45:22I'm working two jobs.
45:24I'm trying to raise our son.
45:26You know they're trying to seize the house?
45:28They can't do that.
45:29I never paid any of our bills
45:31with those stolen credit cards.
45:33I can't even show my face in church anymore.
45:36I'm sorry.
45:37How fucking selfish can you be?
45:40Crystal, if they take this away from me,
45:44this'll all have been for nothing.
45:53I married a man named Marcus.
45:58I cry for him all the time.
46:02But I stayed and I supported you
46:05because I could see how much pain you were in.
46:09I know it was saving your life.
46:11It was.
46:12I figured better my kid
46:14had two moms and a dead dad, right?
46:17At least he'd be around.
46:20Which is more than my father was.
46:24At least he'd be at his baseball games,
46:26even if it wasn't a dress.
46:31So I put up with you becoming a woman,
46:33but I never signed on for a life with a criminal.
46:37I'm going to get my shit together.
46:40I promise.
46:42I'm going to make it up to you.
46:44Oh, you want to make it up to me?
46:46Do your time.
46:48Get the fuck out of here
46:50so you can be a father to your son.
46:55Man up.
47:03What the fuck is this?
47:05We're reassigning you.
47:06Get your fangs.
47:08You're fucking kidding me.
47:11You had me moved?
47:15Who's running this place?
47:16Not you.
47:17Shut your mouth and get your fangs.
47:21Watch yourself, little girl.
47:22This is not America.
47:26This is the Lich.
47:28And I've been here a long while.
47:48Oh!
48:15I'm in here at five just about every day.
48:18If you don't like it, avoid it.
48:24You named me.
48:26What?
48:27You didn't have to take me down with you.
48:29Is that what all this is about?
48:31You think I turned you in?
48:32You haven't seen me in five years.
48:35You had no idea what was going on with me.
48:38I am a different person.
48:39I was building a life...
48:40Oh, I'm afraid for you.
48:42It wasn't me, Piper.
48:43Bullshit.
48:45You never, ever...
48:4613 people were indicted.
48:48You met all of them.
48:49We traveled together.
48:50I know it was you.
48:51No, it wasn't.
48:52And fuck you for thinking it was.
48:54Right.
48:55What did they give you?
48:56Time off for every innocent person that you threw under the bus?
48:58Innocent?
48:59That is fucking hilarious.
49:02You carried that bag.
49:03No one had a gun to your head.
49:05Your fiance might buy this bullshit, but I know you.
49:11I know you.
49:13And there were no complaints when I took you all over the world.
49:16But the second shit got real...
49:18You put me in danger.
49:20You loved it.
49:24You were just this boring little girl from Connecticut who wanted to feel special and bad.
49:30Don't turn this around on me.
49:31I didn't name you.
49:33And yeah, maybe I never forgave you for leaving.
49:37Because you broke my fucking heart.
49:41And maybe I've done a lot of fucked up things in my life.
49:44But I've never lied to you.
49:47Ever.
50:01I'm stuck.
50:02I think my necklace is caught on my shirt or my hair.
50:05Maybe both.
50:08You wanted...
50:10Yeah.
50:13Oh, man.
50:15Don't look at my belly.
50:16There.
50:20You're free.
50:22Yeah, right.
50:36Hello?
50:37Hey, baby, it's me.
50:38Hey.
50:40How was the visit with your mom?
50:42Listen, Larry, I need you to do something for me and I don't want to talk about it.
50:46I need you to find out if Alex Voss named me at her trial.
50:48But wait, my dad said the testimony was sealed.
50:53Why the sudden interest?
50:55I don't know.
50:55It's just eating at me.
50:57I got a lot of time on my hands.
50:59Please, Larry, there's got to be a way.
51:01Will you talk to him?
51:02Her name is Alex Voss.
51:04V-A-U-S-E.
51:07This is really important to me.
51:09Yeah, okay, but, um...
51:11And I don't want to talk about it.
51:15And my mother told me that my eggs are getting old.
51:20And I don't want to talk about it.
51:22Chapman, get your things together.
51:23You're moving.
51:24Down to B dorm.
51:25Cube 18.
51:27That's a ghetto.
51:29What?
51:30Really?
51:31I got you in the ghetto.
51:33Good work, Chapman.
51:34Gonna need it.
51:40Ah!
51:41Ah!
51:42Ah!
51:43Ah!
51:43Ah!
51:44Ah!
51:46Ah!
51:47Ah, girl.
51:47Ah, ah!
51:51Ah!
52:03Ah, ah!
52:06What's the point of view?
52:07It'll never be a gangsta.
52:11Angering his heart,
52:12but it'll never be a gangsta.
52:22that's your bed these are your hooks i am nobody's cleaning lady and i make honor cube
52:29every week so you do your part and then some my flaws my pride so no shoes leave them up
52:38before
52:38you step in and i see that nonsense go down in the cafeteria i don't care if you're gay
52:44or what but you bring any drama in here and we'll have trouble i don't tolerate foolishness in my
52:50bunk understand
53:01following image description waiting in the infirmary
53:18i don't understand anything you say or do can it be held against you in the court of law
53:23right what did you do became a board attorney and want to be appointed for you do you understand
53:28these rights as i just read them to you yes with these rights in mind do you wish to speak
53:36to me
54:04i heard you've been looking for something
54:08change your mind about that egg muffin
54:12you got the wrong girl
54:14you got the wrong girl
54:21you
54:27you
54:28Ooh, ooh, ooh.
54:31Shall I?
54:33Ooh, ooh, ooh.
55:07I don't give a fuck, not a single fuck,
55:09not a single solitary party.
55:10I don't give a fuck, motherfucker.
55:12I don't give a fuck, not a single fuck,
55:14not a single solitary punk, I don't give a fuck.
55:16I don't give a fuck about money, y'all.
55:18Big ballin' ass boss takin' two to your head
55:20with a sawed-off shotgun.
55:22Give it up, cause I'm one crazed bitch, rolling fit.
55:24Gang full of loot, it takes balance.
55:26Runnin' through the mud and skipped from the cell blocks.
55:29Searching for the goddamn judge.
55:30Cause it's simple to get revenge on the punk.
55:32Popped the drunk, grabbed the pump, and pulled the drink
55:34of my nigga from the jump. Kept fuckin' up,
55:36talkin' that same shit. So I snuck up,
55:38and fucked up a dangin' shit.
55:40Bitches that's down, and we found them.
55:42The punk, we caught them, then clowned them.
55:45Not a nigga stretched out from a murder case,
55:47and don't mind doin' again the shit that got me locked up.
55:49In the first place, boss, I let the nine go buck.
55:52I truly don't give a fuck.
55:53I don't give a fuck, not a single fuck,
55:55not a single solitary fuck.
55:57Cause I don't give a fuck, motherfucker.
55:59I don't give a fuck, not a single fuck,
56:00not a single solitary fuck, I don't give a fuck.
56:51But, oh!
56:52I don't give a fuck.
56:53Though they are all right.
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