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مسلسل How I Met Your Mother مترجم - Episode 1
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00:03Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story.
00:07The story of how I met your mother.
00:09Are we being punished for something?
00:12No.
00:13Yeah, is this going to take a while?
00:14Yes.
00:1625 years ago, before I was dad, I had this whole other life.
00:24It was way back in 2005.
00:27I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with Marshall, my best
00:31friend from college.
00:33My life was good, and then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up.
00:38Will you marry me?
00:40Yes.
00:41Perfect.
00:42And then you're engaged.
00:43You pop the champagne.
00:44You drink a toast.
00:45You have sex on the kitchen floor.
00:46Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
00:48Got it.
00:49Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
00:51Dude, are you kidding?
00:52It's you and Lily.
00:53I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily.
00:55The night you met, your first date, other first things.
01:01Sorry, we thought you were asleep.
01:03It's physics, Marshall.
01:04If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too.
01:09My God.
01:11You're getting engaged tonight.
01:13Yeah.
01:14What are you doing tonight?
01:17What was I doing?
01:18Your Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life.
01:21And me?
01:22I'm calling up your Uncle Barney.
01:24Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls?
01:29Well, now I've got a new favorite.
01:31Lebanese girls.
01:33Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
01:36Hey, you want to do something tonight?
01:37Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes.
01:39And suit up!
01:43Hey.
01:44Where's your suit?
01:46Just once when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit.
01:48I did, that one time.
01:50It was a blazer.
01:53You know, ever since college, it's been Marshall and Lily and me.
01:57Now it's going to be Marshall and Lily and me.
02:00They'll get married, start a family.
02:02Before long, I'm that weird middle-aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Ted.
02:08I see what this is about.
02:10Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?
02:15Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live.
02:18Barney, we met at the urinal.
02:20Oh, right.
02:21Right.
02:22Lesson one, lose the goatee.
02:23It doesn't go with your suit.
02:25I'm not wearing a suit.
02:26Lesson two, get a suit.
02:28Suits are cool.
02:29Exhibit A.
02:30Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're 30.
02:3530, right, you're right.
02:37I guess it's just your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff.
02:40I thought I was your best friend.
02:43Ted, say I'm your best friend.
02:47You're my best friend, Barney.
02:48Good, and as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call Have You Met
02:52Ted?
02:52No, no, no, no, we're not playing Have You Met Ted.
02:54Hi, have you met Ted?
02:57Hi, I'm Ted.
02:59Yasmin.
02:59It's a very pretty name.
03:01Thanks.
03:01It's Lebanese.
03:06Hey.
03:07Ugh, I'm exhausted.
03:10It was finger painting day at school and a five-year-old boy got to second base with me.
03:16Wow, you're cooking?
03:18Yes, I am.
03:20Aw.
03:22Are you sure that's a good idea after last time you looked really creepy without eyebrows?
03:27I can handle this.
03:29I think you'll find I'm full of surprises tonight.
03:31So there's more surprises, like what?
03:33Marshall was in his second year of law school, so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet.
03:38Book-a-da-boo!
03:40And that's all of them.
03:43I'm gonna go.
03:44Cook.
03:45I'm so happy for Marshall.
03:47I really am.
03:47I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.
03:50So do you think you'll ever get married?
03:51Well, maybe eventually.
03:53Some fall day.
03:55Possibly in Central Park.
03:57Simple ceremony.
03:58We'll write our own vows.
04:00Band, no DJ.
04:01People will dance.
04:02I'm not gonna worry about it.
04:04Damn it.
04:05Why did Marshall have to get engaged?
04:07Yeah.
04:08Nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?
04:11Actually, I think it's cute.
04:13But you're clearly drunk.
04:15One more for the lady!
04:17Oh, hey, look what I got.
04:23Aw, honey.
04:25Champagne.
04:27Yeah!
04:30No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.
04:34I'm not scared.
04:35Then open it.
04:36Fine.
04:38Please open it.
04:40You are unbelievable, Marshall.
04:42There are two big questions a man has to ask in life.
04:44One you plan out for months.
04:46The other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar.
04:49Will you marry me?
04:50You wanna go out sometime?
04:53Of course, you idiot!
04:56I'm sorry.
04:57Carl's my boyfriend.
05:01What's up, Carl?
05:06I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.
05:10Did you know there's a Pop-Tart under your fridge?
05:13No, but dibs.
05:15Where's that champagne?
05:17I wanna drink a toast with my fiancée.
05:23I don't know why I was so scared of this.
05:26It's pretty easy, right?
05:27I'm gonna...
05:28Oh!
05:30Why am I freaking out all of a sudden?
05:32This is crazy.
05:33I'm not ready to settle down.
05:35How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?
05:37The plan has always been, don't even think about it until you're 30.
05:40Exactly.
05:41The guy doesn't even own a suit.
05:43Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life, even if I was ready, which I'm not.
05:47But if I was, it's like, okay, I'm ready.
05:51Where is she?
05:56And there she was.
06:04It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded
06:09dance floor, turns to his buddy, and says, see that girl?
06:12I'm gonna marry her someday.
06:15Hey, Barney.
06:16See that girl?
06:17Oh, yeah.
06:18You just know she likes it dirty.
06:21Go say hi.
06:22I can't just go say hi.
06:24I need a plan.
06:25And I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom and I'll strategically place myself
06:29by the jukebox.
06:30Hi.
06:30Have you met Ted?
06:33Hi.
06:35Let me guess.
06:37Ted.
06:41Sorry, Lily.
06:42I'm so sorry.
06:43Take us to the hospital.
06:44Whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:45Did you hit her?
06:48Hit me?
06:49Please.
06:50This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.
06:53He's all like, oh, honey, did that hurt?
06:56And I'm like, come on.
06:57Let me have you, pansy.
06:59Wow, complete stranger.
07:01No, no, no, no.
07:02It's okay.
07:02Go on.
07:04So, these spankings in pajamas are au naturel.
07:10So, what do you do?
07:11I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.
07:13Oh.
07:13Well, kind of a reporter.
07:15I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news.
07:18You know, like, um, Monk, you can play the ukulele.
07:22I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.
07:24Bigger, like a gorilla with an upright bass?
07:27Sorry, you're really pretty.
07:33Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
07:35Yeah, it's either one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend,
07:37so tonight, every guy is the enemy.
07:40You know, if it'll make your friend feel better,
07:41you could throw a drink in my face.
07:43I don't mind.
07:44She would love that.
07:46It does look fun in the movies.
07:49Hey, you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?
07:50Oh, I can't.
07:52I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday.
07:54Some guy's attempting to make the world's biggest pancake.
07:56I guess he's covering it.
07:58That's going to take a week?
07:59Yeah, he's going to eat it, too.
08:00It's another record.
08:01Hey, what's taking so long?
08:04Uh, I know this is a long shot,
08:06but how about tomorrow night?
08:08Yeah.
08:09What the hell?
08:16Jerk!
08:18That was fun.
08:21D, wait for it,
08:23denied, denied.
08:26We're going out tomorrow night.
08:27I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night.
08:30Yeah, I was never going to go play laser tag.
08:36The next night,
08:37I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.
08:40Wow.
08:41That is one badass blue French horn.
08:43Yeah.
08:44Mm-hmm.
08:45Sort of looks like a smurf penis.
08:48Son, a piece of advice.
08:49When you go on a first date,
08:51you really don't want to say smurf penis.
08:53Girls don't ordinarily like that.
08:57But this was no ordinary girl.
09:04Lily?
09:06How long have you been sitting there?
09:09Stupid eye patch.
09:13Mom, Dad, I have found the future of Mrs. Ted Mosby.
09:18Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman?
09:20Uh, let's see.
09:22She likes dogs?
09:23I've got five dogs.
09:24She drinks scotch?
09:25I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch.
09:28Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters?
09:30Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!
09:35And I'm saving the best for last.
09:38Do you want these?
09:39I hate olives.
09:40She hates olives! Awesome!
09:42The olive theory!
09:44The olive theory is based on my friends Marshall and Lily.
09:47He hates olives, she loves them.
09:49And in a weird way, that's what makes them such a great couple.
09:51Perfect balance.
09:53You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
09:59I can take them off your hands.
10:02They're all yours.
10:04Oh, it is on!
10:06It is on till that break of dawn!
10:10Wait, it's only the break at 10.30.
10:13What happened?
10:15I gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace.
10:18It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.
10:20No green clarinet?
10:21Nope.
10:21Come on, no purple tuba?
10:23It's a smurf penis, or no dice.
10:26There you are.
10:27We got a jumper.
10:28Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge.
10:30Come on, you're covering it.
10:32Um, all right, I'll be right there.
10:36I'm sorry.
10:38Hey, I had a really great time tonight.
10:41Ew.
10:43So?
10:43Did you kiss her?
10:45No, the moment wasn't right.
10:47Look, this woman could actually be my future wife.
10:49I want our first kiss to be amazing.
10:51Aw, Ted, that is so sweet.
10:54So you chickened out like a little bitch.
10:58What?
10:58I did not chicken out.
11:00You know what?
11:00I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of
11:05college.
11:06Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing.
11:08Even the dumbest single person alive.
11:11And if you don't believe me, call him.
11:15Hey, loser.
11:16How's not playing laser tag?
11:17Because playing laser tag is awesome.
11:20Oh, I killed you, Connor.
11:21Don't make me get your mom.
11:23Hey, listen, I need your opinion on something.
11:25Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes.
11:26And suit up!
11:28So these guys think I chickened out.
11:31What do you think?
11:32I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.
11:37She didn't even give me the signal.
11:38What, is she gonna bat her eyes at you in Morse code?
11:42Ted?
11:44Kiss me.
11:45No, you just kiss her.
11:47Not if you don't get the signal.
11:49Shit.
11:52Did Marshall give me the signal?
11:53No.
11:54I didn't.
11:55I swear.
11:58But see, at least tonight I get to sleep knowing Marshall and me, never gonna happen.
12:02You should have kissed her.
12:03I should have kissed her.
12:05Well, maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando.
12:07A week?
12:08That's like a year in hot girl time.
12:10She'll forget all about you.
12:11Mark my words, you will never see that one again.
12:15There she is.
12:15Oh, she's cute.
12:18Hey, Carl, turn it up.
12:19I persuaded him to reconsider.
12:21At which point the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending.
12:27Huh.
12:27Reporting from Metro One News.
12:28Yeah, I didn't jump.
12:30I'm gonna go kiss her.
12:32Right now.
12:33Look, dude, it's midnight.
12:35As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you.
12:37That's freaking crazy.
12:39I never do anything crazy.
12:40I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment.
12:43Well, she's leaving tomorrow.
12:44This may be the only moment I'm gonna get.
12:46I gotta do what that guy couldn't.
12:48I gotta take the leap.
12:50Okay, not a perfect metaphor, because for me it's fall in love and get married, and for
12:54him it's death.
12:56Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.
12:59By the way, did I congratulate you two?
13:03I'm doing this.
13:04Let's go.
13:05Word up.
13:06We're coming with you.
13:08Barney?
13:10All right, but under one condition.
13:14Look at you, you beautiful bastard.
13:16You're suited up.
13:17This is totally going in my blog.
13:20Stop the car.
13:21Uh, pull over right here.
13:24I gotta do something.
13:26Excuse me.
13:27Pardon me.
13:28Just enjoy a coffee.
13:30Hey!
13:31Hey!
13:32Go, go, go!
13:37Everybody brings flowers.
13:48Okay.
13:48Mom, the truth.
13:51Wish me luck.
13:52Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter.
13:55It's just in.
13:57Okay.
14:01Kiss her, Ted.
14:02Kiss her good.
14:03Kiss the crap out of that girl, Marshall.
14:05Remember this night.
14:06When you're the best man at our wedding, and you give a speech, you're gonna tell this story.
14:12Why does he get to be the best man?
14:14I'm your best friend!
14:17As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my mind.
14:21Unfortunately, one particular thought did not.
14:23I've got five dogs.
14:25I've got five dogs.
14:29No!
14:30Get back in there, wearing a suit!
14:36Ted?
14:36Hi!
14:41I was just, uh...
14:46Come on up.
14:51He's in.
14:54So, Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl.
14:58Okay, that's my barney limit.
15:00I'm gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom.
15:03Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
15:06Ooh, the women hot there.
15:08Here's a picture of my wife.
15:12A simple no would have sufficed.
15:16She's lovely.
15:18So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a suit?
15:24I was just hoping to get those olives that you said I could have.
15:31Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?
15:34Are you trying to get me drunk?
15:40For starters.
15:49So, Marshall, this olive theory, based on you and Lily?
15:53Yeah.
15:54You hate olives.
15:55Lily loves them, you can't stand them.
15:57Yeah, hate olives.
15:58Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street, dish of olives, you had some.
16:02What up?
16:06You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.
16:10I swear.
16:10I swear.
16:14On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad.
16:17Lily asked if she could have my olives.
16:19I said, sure.
16:20I hate olives.
16:21But you like olives.
16:23Well, I was 18, okay?
16:24I was a virgin.
16:26Been waiting my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.
16:30Marshall, I'm gonna give you an early wedding present.
16:33Don't get married.
16:37Baby, since I met you,
16:43I think I like your olive theory.
16:46I think I like your new French horn.
16:49I think I like your nose.
16:52I think I'm in love with you.
16:55What?
16:55What?
16:56What?
16:58Come on, man.
16:59You said your stomach's been hurting, right?
17:00You know what that is.
17:01Hunger.
17:02You're hungry for experience.
17:04Hungry for something new.
17:06Hungry for olives.
17:08But you're too scared to do anything about it.
17:11Yeah, I'm scared.
17:12Okay?
17:14But when I think of spending the rest of my life with Lily,
17:18committing forever, no other women,
17:21it doesn't scare me at all.
17:24I'm marrying that girl.
17:28Lily.
17:29Lily, I like olives.
17:32We'll make it work.
17:36Oh.
17:46So, Orlando, you gonna hit Disney World?
17:50You love me?
17:53I can't believe I said that.
17:54Why did I say that?
17:56Who says that?
17:58I should just go.
17:59Hold on.
18:00Wait a minute.
18:04I promise you these.
18:06Olives.
18:07Yeah.
18:07Thanks.
18:08I love you.
18:09What is wrong with me?
18:12Why are we still sitting here?
18:14Let's go.
18:14We can still make a glass call.
18:15What do you say, Lil?
18:16Yo-hoo-hoo and a bottle of rum?
18:21Because you're a pirate?
18:24Okay, eyepatch gone.
18:26We can't just abandon Ted.
18:28If it doesn't go well up there,
18:29he's gonna need some support.
18:31It's been like 20 minutes.
18:33You think they're doing it?
18:34You think they're doing it in front of the dogs?
18:36Doggy style.
18:37Hey, there was a girl in college.
18:38She had this golden retriever.
18:40Okay, we can go to the bar.
18:41Just stop talking.
18:42Hit it, Rungy.
18:49So, when you tell this story to your friends,
18:51could you avoid the word psycho?
18:53I prefer eccentric.
18:56Good night, psycho.
19:03Great.
19:04How do I get to the F train?
19:06Oh.
19:07Two blocks?
19:08That way and take a right.
19:10Thanks.
19:13You know what?
19:16I'm done being single.
19:18I'm not good at it.
19:20Look, obviously, you can't tell a woman
19:22you just met you love her.
19:24But it sucks that you can't.
19:28I'll tell you something, though.
19:29If a woman, not you,
19:31just some hypothetical woman,
19:32were to bear with me through all this,
19:35I think I'd make a damn good husband.
19:37Because that's the stuff I'd be good at.
19:39Stuff like making her laugh
19:41and being a good father
19:44and walking her five hypothetical dogs.
19:48Being a good kisser.
19:51Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
19:53Oh, I've got references.
19:55Good night, Ted.
20:03And I'm a good handshaker.
20:05That's a pretty great handshake.
20:11And that was it.
20:13I'll probably never see her again.
20:18What?
20:18That was the signal.
20:20That long, lingering handshake.
20:22You should have kissed her.
20:24There's no such thing as the signal.
20:26But, yeah, that was the signal.
20:29Signal.
20:31Ah, Carl, thank you.
20:33Something I gotta do.
20:35By the way,
20:37you should have kissed her.
20:39Carl, you guys weren't there.
20:42I am so turned on right now.
20:46Guys, trust me.
20:47I've seen the signal.
20:48That was not the signal.
20:50Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore.
20:53To my fiancée.
20:55To the future.
20:57Do one hell of a night.
21:02That was not the signal.
21:05I asked her about it years later.
21:07And, yeah, that was the signal.
21:09I could have kissed her.
21:10But that's the funny thing about destiny.
21:13It happens whether you plan it or not.
21:15I mean, I never thought I'd see that girl again.
21:17But it turns out, I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming.
21:21Because that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin.
21:27Aunt Robin?
21:28I thought this was how you met Mom.
21:31Will you relax?
21:32I'm getting to it.
21:33Like I said, it's a long story.
21:38Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:06That's all.
22:07You
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