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مسلسل Cougar Town مترجم - Episode 3
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00:10What?
00:11Honey, when you write a college essay, you need to write about who you really are, not who you pretend
00:16to be.
00:16Okay, so no more stuff about how you're a huge fan of The Clash.
00:19I love The Clash.
00:21Name one of their songs.
00:21Should I stay or should I go?
00:23Name another.
00:23Well played, but if you torture me, I'm gonna torture you.
00:26I'm going to college next year, you're gonna be all alone.
00:28I'm really excited for you.
00:30Oh.
00:32Really, Mom?
00:35Mom?
00:35Need a sec?
00:38Hello?
00:39Hey, what are you doing?
00:41It's midnight and I'm trying not to cry in front of my son.
00:44That's cool.
00:45So, remember how Nezzy and I went to Miami and we split a hotel room?
00:49Well, tonight she said that I hugged the bed like a big blonde bear and I kind of overreacted and
00:54I slapped the bitch.
00:56Oh.
00:57I'm PMSing hard.
00:59Cut to the chase.
01:00She left me at a club, so I need a ride home and a place to crash tonight.
01:04Okay, I'll be right there.
01:06Thank you, sweetheart.
01:08Honey, I'll be back in an hour.
01:10Jules, come.
01:10Mother to the world.
01:12I like to help people.
01:14Feeling needed is like my crack.
01:16I crave it.
01:17That's a great message for the kids.
01:18Besides, having Lori will be fun.
01:20It's like having a slumber party.
01:24Lori, you're getting another text.
01:26Shut up, Nezzy.
01:33I was that bad?
01:35If we were in prison, I'd be your bitch.
01:37Oh.
01:40Bye, Amber.
01:43That's not her name.
01:45I was just guessing.
01:46Her name is Candy.
01:48Neat.
01:49Is she a lawyer or a nuclear physicist?
01:52Oh great, the girl with three toe rings finds it funny.
01:54One of them's a tattoo.
01:56Wow, you shuffled that poor girl out early this morning.
01:59Did you even feed her?
02:00I don't like eating with people.
02:02What about what she likes?
02:03Thumpy music.
02:04What else?
02:04Shiny things.
02:05Little more.
02:06Cartoons.
02:07Tell me what you know.
02:08Being a vegan except for pizza.
02:11Oh, paper buddy.
02:12There's not an endless supply of hot, dumb girls in this little town.
02:16You keep acting like a selfish tool, word's gonna spread.
02:20You're gonna find yourself living on Planet Nola.
02:26That means the girls won't want to sleep with you anymore.
02:29Got it.
02:31He's got it.
02:38What are you thinking about?
02:39I was just dreaming about having sex with you on a beach at sunrise.
02:43Oh, that's sweet.
02:46Here's what I don't like about it.
02:47We're never having sex at sunrise.
02:49It's way too early.
02:50Have you ever done it at the beach?
02:52I mean, there's sand everywhere.
02:53You're just...
02:55Also, one word.
02:56Bugs.
02:57So, why don't you move me from the beach to a nice hotel?
03:01There's no hotel.
03:02What is this?
03:02Like a side of the road kind of beach where cars drive by and honk and I'm like,
03:06whoa!
03:07You're like, ow!
03:08I mean, I'm not some whore, Josh.
03:10I'm not sure what's happening.
03:11I'm sorry.
03:12You know what?
03:13I think we're just both really sexually frustrated.
03:15This whole waiting for ten dates rule is just really rough.
03:19Yeah.
03:20I know I'm being rude, but I'm starving.
03:22If you're not going to eat that, may I have it?
03:24My omelet?
03:26No.
03:27Good God, Barb!
03:32I'm happy.
03:33This is our seventh date.
03:37Do you remember that time that we played tennis and then went to dinner and saw a movie?
03:41Yeah.
03:42That's two locations and a wardrobe change.
03:44That's gotta count for at least two dates.
03:46So that means this is our ninth date and tomorrow's our tenth date and we can finally...
03:51Josh!
03:51Josh!
03:52Come on, we're both adults here.
03:54Please, let's not make too big of a deal out of it.
03:57Hurry!
03:58Hurry!
04:00Hurry!
04:02Hurry!
04:03Hurry!
04:03It's tomorrow!
04:04It is?
04:05Yes!
04:05Tomorrow, Josh and I finally get to help!
04:08Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Dershon.
04:10Please have a seat.
04:11I'm gonna show you some lovely homes today.
04:20Oh, you wanna see a cool magic trick?
04:31You're safe now.
04:33And this will be my last bite of food today so that my stomach looks super flat tonight.
04:38What's happening tonight?
04:39I'm hosting a conference on Mind Your Own Business.
04:42Wow, I'm sorry.
04:42That was a little mean.
04:44Here, honey.
04:44Have the rest of my bagel.
04:45Oh.
04:47Hello, Clarice.
04:48Come on, Travis.
04:48We gotta go see your dad.
04:50Hey, I'll take him over.
04:51I know Bobby was your best friend, but once Jules divorced him, that ended.
04:55You are forbidden to see him.
04:57It doesn't bother me, Ellie.
04:58This is not about you.
04:59Say goodbye to me and mommy.
05:01Mm-hmm.
05:03So what time is your gentleman called for arriving tonight?
05:05I told him to show up at 8.
05:07Is that enough time to prepare?
05:09It's 10 in the morning.
05:10Is she serious?
05:11We're 40, Lori.
05:12For us, getting ready for sex is like prepping for a space mission.
05:15Well, I already scheduled your mani-pedi.
05:17Now, my Russian eyebrow lady was murdered.
05:18Long story.
05:19So I was thinking you could just have the same girl that does your bikini wax do your brows.
05:22You can't use the same person for both things.
05:25One's a gardener.
05:25The other's an artist.
05:27Oh, if I'm gonna get waxed, I gotta tidy the den before the maid comes.
05:30Wait, what the hell does that mean?
05:31Oh, it means Jules is so crazy, she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxed,
05:35so her waxer doesn't think she's a cavewoman.
05:37Oh, I always have to blow out my hair.
05:38I gotta buy candles, wash my sheets.
05:40I gotta do a thousand sit-ups and buy a bra that doesn't squeeze my back so tight that I
05:43get,
05:43you know, back boob.
05:44Wow, Jules, you're really going all out for this guy.
05:46Why, you don't ever try to make it special?
05:48I don't know.
05:49If I really like a dude, I'll stop texting while we do it.
05:51I wish you were my daughter.
05:55Travis, did you finish your college essay?
05:57Yeah, it's great.
05:59Oh, you have to do it this weekend!
06:02How'd you know?
06:03The high-pitched lie.
06:04Every man's tell.
06:05No, it's not.
06:06Really?
06:07Have you ever had a dirty dream about me, Travis?
06:09You?
06:11Sit.
06:13Mom, make Lori stop.
06:15Come on, let's go see your dad's new place.
06:17New place?
06:18Where'd he move?
06:19Oh, isn't it beautiful?
06:21The ocean just makes you feel alive.
06:24It might be nicer if the boat were actually in the water.
06:30You're ruining it.
06:33Beekaboo!
06:34Thanks for letting me stay for breakfast.
06:35Isn't this fun?
06:37It's so fun.
06:38Oh, you are so nice.
06:40Tell your friends.
06:41Yeah, right.
06:42I mean, if I told Diedra, she'd be all over you.
06:44This one time on a booze cruise, she was all,
06:46your boyfriend is tasty.
06:47And I was all...
06:49Excuse me for one second.
06:56Oh, my God!
06:58Oh, my God!
07:04So, booze cruise.
07:05Right.
07:06So, she was all, your boyfriend is tasty.
07:11Oh, I'm having a crisis.
07:14Is this a real crisis crisis, or my feet like my elephant feet type crisis?
07:17Because I know mine do.
07:18I've got to take a shower before I'm Manny and Betty.
07:20I hate my baby.
07:22Oh, my God!
07:24Well, that's been going on all day.
07:27Wow, he seems tense.
07:28Yeah.
07:29All right, let's go.
07:31You know how I take a nap every day from 10 to 11.45?
07:34Your life is better than mine.
07:35I know.
07:36Anyway, I just had this dream that I looked into Stan's stroller,
07:40and he was completely made of chocolate.
07:43And...
07:44You ate your baby.
07:45We're just not connecting.
07:47We have completely different tastes in food, music, and books.
07:50And I just know when he gets older he's going to do something to drive me crazy like marry a
07:55poor person.
07:56Do you want to go get Stan and take him to an Italian ice place so you feel like he
07:59loves you again?
08:00Yeah.
08:02I found barnacles and a starfish in the cabin.
08:06It smells really weird down there.
08:08Yeah, well, this particular vessel was underwater quite some time.
08:12Yeah, I'm not sure Jealous Much is the right name for your boat.
08:17Ooh, it's the sweet jam.
08:18Travis.
08:19Take the bass, buddy.
08:20I'll hit the solo.
08:31Hey, what's up, land lovers?
08:33Did somebody say keep on rockin'?
08:37See you in homeroom, Travis.
08:39I can't wait, Doug.
08:41Hey, Dad.
08:42Does this thing have an anchor you could drive through my skull?
08:48Nobody tells my wife I was here.
08:50Okay, okay.
08:51Mr. Torres, do you believe this thing?
08:55It's even better than you said.
08:57Jealous Much?
08:58Uh, yeah!
09:00Classic tune!
09:01Tune it up!
09:03Whoa!
09:11Oh, Stanley.
09:12Look how much he loves me.
09:14Oh, you got something on your face there, buddy.
09:16Oh, my God.
09:17Look how disgusting your nails are.
09:19Were you trapped in a well?
09:20I missed my appointment.
09:21And as of now, I've missed my waxing, too.
09:23I'm gonna have to push Josh off till tomorrow.
09:25Oh, no, but you were so excited.
09:27I know, but what am I supposed to do?
09:28I've got two hours and there's barely enough time to moisturize.
09:30I'll make new appointments.
09:31Get going.
09:32Really?
09:32Go!
09:32Oh, God.
09:34Okay.
09:34Go, go, go.
09:36I'm not sure I'm comfortable doing the manicure while she's waxing you.
09:39It's not about you being comfortable, Lisa.
09:41I'm on a sexual deadline here.
09:43And, Carol, please do me a solid and blow on that stick.
09:45That stuff is crazy hot.
09:46Lisa, use the same red as last time.
09:48All right, let's go, people.
09:49Move it!
09:49Move it!
09:50This will only work if you stay perfectly still.
09:52No problem.
09:52No one has ever done this.
09:54Bring it.
09:54I'll be still.
09:57Wow.
09:59But that really is beautiful red.
10:04Why the hell did I park so far away?
10:07Damn it.
10:09Hey, kid.
10:10Can I have my phone and put an X in my ear?
10:12It's okay.
10:13I know your mom.
10:14All right.
10:15Come on, quick.
10:16Hello.
10:17I went swimming at Dale's and now he thinks it's funny to take my clothes.
10:20Will you come get me?
10:21Do you really know my mom?
10:23Yes.
10:24She's a very close friend.
10:26Lori, Dale lives like 30 minutes away.
10:28Thanks to the world's first manny waxing, I actually have a shot of being ready tonight.
10:31I am naked in someone's yard.
10:34Hey, baby.
10:35I hate you, Dale.
10:37I'll be right there.
10:39Thanks.
10:40What's my mom's name?
10:41Betty.
10:42No, I don't know.
10:43Just grab a dollar when you put the phone back.
10:46But that's a 20!
10:47Whatever your mom's name is, she didn't raise you right!
10:51Chump.
10:53You hit me once, I hit you back.
10:56You gave a kick, I gave a slap.
10:58You smashed a plate over my head.
11:00Then I set fire to our bed.
11:05Oh, my black eye casts no shadow.
11:09Yeah, but I see no blame.
11:11Lust sticks, sweat drips.
11:14Break the lock if it don't fade.
11:15I am dead.
11:16I have to get the kick in the teeth.
11:22I'm sorry.
11:29I am.
11:34I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
11:41I am hurt.
11:42I am hurt.
11:42I am hurt.
11:43You are hurt.
11:45I am hurt.
11:45I am hurt.
11:45Damn it!
11:51I'm fine!
11:53Just count to three and come in!
12:03Hey, stranger.
12:06Wow.
12:08Are you okay?
12:09I banged my foot pretty badly when I fell, but you can't see the blood through all these bubbles.
12:14Good.
12:15So, you wanna join me?
12:19I did not realize how tall you are.
12:22This spigot's digging into my spine.
12:25Oh.
12:29You like it?
12:30It's pretty sweet.
12:32Be sure.
12:33I am.
12:35Okay.
12:36Tag off!
12:38It's a keeper.
12:39Let the tenth date begin.
12:44Wow.
12:46Wasn't that amazing?
12:48Yeah.
12:49Wait.
12:51Was that high-pitched?
12:53What?
12:54Nothing.
12:54Um, on a scale from one to ten, was that a nine?
13:00Definitely.
13:01Was it a six?
13:03Way higher.
13:05Son of a bitch!
13:16He gave you a six?
13:17A six at best.
13:25On a scale from one to ten?
13:26Yes, Ellie.
13:28Oh, boy.
13:29That's Josh again.
13:30He keeps texting me frowny faces.
13:32Honey, it was only one night.
13:34Yes, but with the decorating and the counting down of the days and the buying stockings.
13:39It was like a bad Christmas.
13:40You were probably just off your game, Jules.
13:43It happens to all of us.
13:44No, it's true.
13:44I'm not a great kisser.
13:46I get all bitey.
13:47It can kill the mood and really hurt people.
13:50I never know what to do with my hands.
13:51Last night, I caught myself tapping the drumbeat to weed and start the fire on Andy's butt.
13:56And if I don't have it, I just whip out the girls.
13:58They're my safety nets.
13:59Well, I did feel a little off.
14:01I mean, when I was on top, my knee kept clicking.
14:03Ugh.
14:03Whenever I'm on top, I can't stop thinking about what I look like.
14:07It must look terrifying.
14:15Why is that song in your head?
14:17I don't know.
14:18Hey, Bobby, you and I get along so well, maybe our son should start hanging out.
14:23I'm 16 years older than your son, Mr. Torres.
14:26Hey, T-Man, why are you laying down?
14:28Because, Dad, I don't want anyone to see me.
14:31You know, what you don't seem to understand is that when you add together the golf cart that you drive
14:35around town,
14:35the super fun fact that you mow lawns at my school and your brand new land boat?
14:40Well, I'd say you embarrass me a little.
14:43And by a little, I mean more than any person ever!
14:47Now I'm going to crawl downstairs and grab a hot soda.
14:49Do you want one?
14:51Mr. Torres?
14:59Whoa, body blue.
15:03I think you're amazing.
15:05Thanks, man.
15:10Here are your drinks at 10 in the morning.
15:12Well done.
15:12And your pie is on its way out.
15:14You know it serves eight, right?
15:15I don't need the attitude.
15:16Oh, really?
15:17Because, thanks to you, that ridiculous girl Candy won't leave my house.
15:22And that's Candy with two E's.
15:25And no last name.
15:27No last name.
15:29That did trim me up just a little bit.
15:33Hey.
15:34Hey, Travis is in one of his moods and you know I'm not very good at talking to him.
15:39Alright, I'll handle it.
15:40Hey, wait a minute.
15:41Was I good in bed?
15:43Hell yeah, Jay Bird.
15:44I mean, you remember that one time on the beach in Key West?
15:48Yeah, that wasn't me.
15:49What about the time of that putt-putt course?
15:52Also not me.
15:53Come on, Bobby.
15:54I need this.
15:55I got it.
15:56The best time ever is when we made Travis.
16:00Yeah.
16:02And when was that?
16:04Damn it!
16:07Alright, so I'm horrible in bed.
16:10But you know what?
16:11That's okay.
16:11Because now if I sleep with someone and they choose to stay with me, I'll know that it's
16:17not because of the sex.
16:19It's because they like me.
16:22Or me.
16:24Where is that damn pie?
16:26No last name!
16:30Where are you going?
16:31Stupid Bobby needs my help.
16:33Oh.
16:34Alright.
16:35Well, let's go.
16:37Why?
16:37Where?
16:40We live like two minutes from the beach.
16:43When's the last time you were here?
16:44Nobody has time to go to the beach.
16:46I come here every afternoon when I tell you that I'm out seeing if our real estate signs
16:49are still up.
16:50Oh good.
16:51I take my afternoon naps here.
16:52Oh my god, you sleep like 21 hours a day.
16:55Yeah, because I know how to take care of myself and you don't.
16:58I take care of myself?
16:59No.
17:00Yesterday was supposed to be your day and you spent the entire time helping me and giant
17:04safety nets over here.
17:05Oh, speaking of which, I may need a ride back to Dale's later.
17:08We made up because he gave me my clothes back and bought me this ankle bracelet.
17:12He's so funny sometimes.
17:13No, he's really not.
17:15And so what if I get off on helping people?
17:17I mean, everybody has their thing they do that makes them feel better about themselves.
17:20I know you're probably impressed with what you see.
17:25That, Carol, is total rejuvenation surgery.
17:29Up here, I'm 48.
17:31Below the belt, I'm 19.
17:34Now let's detail this Ferrari.
17:38Wow.
17:39Yeah.
17:40Wow.
17:42And some people are just doomed to hate themselves.
17:45Why do I keep doing this?
17:51Oh, yeah.
17:52Me?
17:53I buy Italian ices from my friend's baby and pick up my other friend from her recently
17:58paroled loser boyfriends.
18:00Uh, did you not see the ankle bracelet?
18:02Yeah, it's horrible.
18:04Jules, you spent the last 20 years putting other people ahead of yourself.
18:10It's okay to be selfish once in a while.
18:16Hello?
18:17Why haven't you called?
18:18I'm at your place.
18:19I was kind of hoping you'd be home.
18:21Uh-huh.
18:22Oh, hold on.
18:23I have another call.
18:26Hello?
18:26Still waiting on the jaybird.
18:28You said you'd come help out with Travis.
18:31Who is it?
18:33Don't worry about it.
18:36I'll be right there.
18:40Hey.
18:43Oh, I thought you were mom.
18:45I hope I didn't make any mistakes last night.
18:48I'm just...
18:49Okay, Josh.
18:50Here's the deal.
18:51You can come upstairs if you want to.
18:53But I'm not gonna take a shower.
18:54I'm not putting my hair down.
18:55I'm not taking my sweatshirt off.
18:57And when I ask you to move to the left, I'm talking about my left, not your left.
19:01So are you in or are you out?
19:02I'm totally in.
19:03There's also gonna be a part that I need to concentrate, so you're gonna have to be really quiet.
19:07I might even ask you not to take breath for a little while.
19:12Hey, look.
19:13I think we both know that doing the parent talk isn't exactly my strong suit.
19:17No argument.
19:19Oh hell, I'm just gonna dive right in.
19:22Look, I know you're embarrassed by your old man.
19:26You know what I think?
19:29Tough nuggets, little dude.
19:32I think it builds character.
19:34And you're gonna stay with me every weekend whether you like it or not because I love you.
19:39Even when you're acting like a little bitch.
19:42Oh, and a quick tip.
19:43The kids who don't care what other people think always get the most tail.
19:49You're welcome.
19:53Nailed it!
20:00Jules, that was...
20:02Shh, shh.
20:02Still quiet time.
20:04Sorry.
20:06You know what?
20:07I wanna know what you were gonna say.
20:09That was amazing.
20:12And you know a lot of curse words.
20:15I'm sorry if I made it all about me.
20:17I just felt like being a little selfish.
20:19Oh, that's cool.
20:20Is it cool, Josh?
20:22Is it?
20:22Why don't you get the hell out of here and let me get some sleep?
20:25I'm just kidding.
20:26I wanted to see if I could pull that off.
20:28And you totally can.
20:29Yes!
20:30Ah!
20:33Hey, Jules, I was thinking...
20:35Shh, shh.
20:35Quiet time again.
20:43Hey!
20:44Hey, Mom.
20:47Bye, Mom.
20:49Love you, Dad.
20:52Oh, my God.
20:53Did he just say, I love you?
20:55I know, how gay is that?
20:57But Jules, I really gotta thank you for letting me handle this one.
21:00It's really good for me.
21:01And as a thank you, our top four experiences in order.
21:05At one time in the hammock at your parents' house.
21:08At one time in the stables.
21:09At one time when we went camping.
21:11And at one time in the theater during Saving Private Ryan.
21:14Oh, Bobby!
21:16Right?
21:17Three out of the four of those were us!
21:21Nice!
21:24Pow pow!
21:25WHOOOO!
21:26WHILE!
21:27CO Ronnie!
21:28Knew!
21:29What Woo!
21:31The last day!
21:31Meow Vorsits!
21:31it never Buttered With the manipularoperator.
21:31Welcome!
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