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مسلسل Count Abdulla مترجم - Episode 1
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00:25Oh, not again.
00:35Oh, not again.
00:39Please don't kill me.
00:40I'm still a virgin.
00:41What?
00:43Hey, broadcast that to the worldwide, don't you?
00:48It's not flipping funny, man.
00:50Hey, hey, man, still.
00:51Come on, bro.
00:52That was priceless, man.
00:53Come on.
00:54Hey, that was funny, man.
00:55No, it wasn't, bro.
00:56You scared the shit out of me.
00:57Bro, man like us can't be afraid of anything, you feel me?
01:02Hey, bad shit don't happen to good Muslims.
01:05Look, what do you got to be afraid of when you step out of that mosque, huh?
01:07Lots of things.
01:09Islamophobia, diabetes, ghouls.
01:10Ghouls, yeah.
01:11Bro, Muslims ain't vulnerable to scary shit, trust me.
01:15When was the last time you saw a brother in a horror movie, huh?
01:18Or with a ghost, or a werewolf, or I don't know, even like a-
01:26You see, I would have thought vampires would be into Muslims, you know.
01:31I mean, I've tried Jewish, Buddhist, lots of Christian blood, and an increasing amount of atheist blood, but I must
01:38say, out of all of them, Muslim blood.
01:41Or halal blood, if you will, taste the best.
01:45Now, virgin blood is something we've historically been interested in.
01:48It's just so hard to come by nowadays without serious ethical issues.
01:53Fuck this, man.
01:55She just come from nowhere.
01:56I don't understand how the-
01:58She's on me, she's on me, bro.
01:59But halal virgin blood.
02:01What?
02:01Well, finding that is like-
02:02Well, it's like Christmas.
02:05We-we-we don't really believe in Christmas, ladies, so-
02:08Well, of course you don't.
02:09But isn't it Ramadan?
02:10The month of charity.
02:12What's that got to do with anything?
02:14Well, there's no better time than now to give blood.
02:18You'll get that shit away from us, you nutter!
02:21What's the problem, boys?
02:29You should be grateful.
02:30It's against my ethics to use these bad boys.
02:34No!
02:35No!
02:36No!
02:37No!
02:38No!
02:40No!
02:42No!
02:42No!
02:42No!
02:43No!
02:45No!
02:50No!
02:51Oh, quit whining the needles clean!
02:55No!
02:57No!
02:58Oh my god!
03:02No!
03:05No!
03:05No!
03:07No!
03:07No!
03:08No!
03:12No!
03:18No!
03:19No!
03:19No!
03:19It looks like that iba away!
03:20Oh, yeah? Then what's that little bulge forming under your...
03:24Oh, it's a classic horror movie.
03:27Yeah, it doesn't look like Lost for All Two. We both know that's a load of exploitative old crap.
03:31There were horrors out there. Mildly racist boomers.
03:34Not exactly the evil dead, are they?
03:38Don't think they'll let you off so easy, Habs.
03:40They'll look right through those cute brown boy looks of yours and ask if an English doctor is available.
03:50Cute.
04:08Abdullah? Why aren't you at the mosque?
04:11Mum?
04:11Have you forgotten what day it is today?
04:13Wednesday?
04:15It's Eve, Allah!
04:17Which I guess you would have known had you bothered to give a single fast.
04:20If you hadn't just finished medical school, I would have you backed off to Pakistan.
04:26Hi. Good morning.
04:28Morning.
04:31What have I told you about cracking out the Asian mum impression in the middle of my shift?
04:37But seriously, when you're coming home, you can't leave your mum alone on Eid of all days.
04:41I know. I won't be long. It's just...
04:43What was that noise?
04:45I don't know. I'd better go.
04:46Oh!
04:47Ohh!
04:56turtles like Officer's
04:59No...
05:00Please, please, please...
05:05Please, no, no, no. No, no, stop right. Don't mind, please, please, please.
05:14Don't mind me! Don't mind me! Please don't mind me!
05:16Hey, Madge, Madge, Madge, it's me. Me, hello. Hi, Abdullah Khan. We used to go to Koran school together.
05:20Oh, it's good to see another brother, bro.
05:22You're low on blood. Please relax.
05:26Is there... something you want to tell me?
05:29Be afraid, I'm just... be very afraid.
05:33Madge, I'm not gonna rat you out to the Haran police. You can tell me if you're getting high.
05:37Bro, bro, they're real.
05:39What's real?
05:41Vampires. What?
05:43Vampires, man. Fucking vampires.
05:45Do you know what the worst is? They like Muslims.
05:52Vampires like Muslims. At least someone does in this climate.
05:55Okay, no, no, no. Vampires wouldn't like Muslims.
05:57Why do you say that?
05:58Well, for the same reason, black characters in horror movies always die first.
06:03Monsters don't like people of colour.
06:04I didn't know monsters were so bigoted.
06:06What, do you think they woke?
06:07If immortal creatures of the night weren't our side abs, do you really think there'd be racism, colonialism, sexism?
06:13Well, there are lesbian vampires.
06:15Like the feminist icons from the James Gordon classic Lesbian Vampire Killers.
06:19What about Dracula?
06:21No Transylvanian count wreaking havoc on would-be British colonisers.
06:24Who literally became a vampire to stop Middle East and immigration to Europe.
06:30Your patient was definitely tripping.
06:31I don't know. This time of year for us it's-
06:34I didn't know Muslims celebrated Halloween.
06:36Halloween?
06:40Today?
06:42Shit.
06:43Shit, shit, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
06:45It's Eid today.
06:47It can't be Halloween.
06:49You're not sucking off my party, are you?
06:51Well, I don't want to.
06:53I just didn't know it would fall today.
06:55You know, the lunar calendar, it's a different day every year.
06:57My mum would be furious if she knew that.
06:58Please, alright, spare me the classic Asian mommies boy act.
07:01You're a grown-ass man.
07:03You're far from the perfect Muslim and we all know that.
07:06Yeah, but-
07:07But what?
07:08You can't keep living your life for other people abs.
07:11I- I- I-
07:13Fine.
07:15Eid Mubarak then.
07:18No, Amrita, I'm sorry.
07:22You've really fucked it now, mate.
07:25Fucked what?
07:34I'm gonna be sick.
07:39I'm gonna be sick.
07:40I'm done.
07:44I'm done.
07:45I'm done.
07:46I'm done.
07:47I'm done, man.
07:47Well, let's have a great night with these all the nice kids,
07:49and the ice skates are full of the beer.
07:5230 pounds.
07:54Yeah.
07:56Yeah.
07:57Back over to the roof and we'll get in the auction house.
08:05Over to the auctioneer.
08:07We'll let the guy need a sitting house to break the loft in a bit for the auction.
08:17Abdullah! Abdullah, wake up!
08:24Come on!
08:25I found the same clothes that Aunty's having a behaviour.
08:29It matches my outfit! I'm so excited! Come on, open up!
08:34Abdullah!
08:39What, Mum? Uncle Jabbar's eat party!
08:42Can you believe it? We finally got an invite!
08:44Not exactly the Met Gala, Mum.
08:45I tell you, ever since you graduated med school, all the other aunties have stopped treating me like Bindi at
08:51the buffet.
08:52Aren't you going to wear this kurta?
08:54I'm very happy for you, Mum, but I'm busy tonight.
08:58Busy? What could be more important than Eid?
09:03I'm Rita's party.
09:06Are you telling me that that Christian devil festival is more important than the holiest day of the Islamic calendar?
09:13All my friends are going to this party. It's our biggest night of the year.
09:17Fine.
09:19Go.
09:25I'll just tell the aunties that both my husband and my only son have deserted me.
09:34Fine. I'll go.
09:39Thanks.
09:40Thanks.
09:44Oh.
09:46Sir.
09:49Ah.
09:53Jesus Christ.
09:56I mean, hi Allah.
10:20It doesn't look right. Oh. As-salamu alaykum.
10:24Eat my body.
10:25Eat my body.
10:25Ass-salamu alaykum.
10:26Abdulla, men are that way.
10:28Men are that way.
10:29They've genesegregated the rooms.
10:30Oh, it'll be fine, Abdulla. You know, you can, um, talk football with them or driving four-by-fours and
10:37all that other manly stuff.
10:38We never get to talk about manly stuff when it's just, sorry, him and me at home, you know.
10:43Oh, ass-salamu alaykum. Come, everybody.
10:51That's a very colorful kurta, Betty.
10:53Excuse me?
10:54You do know the ladies are in the other room.
10:57How?
10:58Beto.
11:02Sorry.
11:14Samsung, yeah?
11:16Sorry, Uncle. I don't speak Urdu.
11:18Oh.
11:20English-stunny, huh?
11:23Catch the footy down the pub.
11:29Is it all right if I go out and get some air?
11:32Smoking?
11:33No, no, I just need to make a call.
11:38I could've gone for the fag.
11:47Got somewhere better to be?
11:49Sorry, do I know you?
11:52It's Abdulla Khan, right?
11:53I think we took Quran classes back in the day.
11:56You were the kid always on his Game Boy at the back.
11:59Ah, yeah.
12:00Had my cousin's Castlevania on it.
12:02Wicked game.
12:03Oh, well, still one of the cool kids, I see.
12:07It's Nahima Begum, isn't it?
12:10Salaamu alaykum.
12:11Hey, it's fine.
12:13I heard you finish medical school.
12:15Yeah, save a life, save all of humanity and all that.
12:18Eh, more likely you just wanted to beef up your bio data.
12:21Uh, well, uh, what about you?
12:24You know, weren't too bad at Arabic, if I remember.
12:26Human rights lawyer.
12:28Eh, mo-pulak, bruv!
12:30These are my little cousin, Abz.
12:32Look at you.
12:33All them years of that white school got you to Angora, innit?
12:36I missed you at the mosque this morning.
12:38Shafi.
12:38Imam.
12:39Shafi.
12:40To you, my bro.
12:41Your boy's gonna be leading prayers around these parts soon.
12:44Hm?
12:44Come to my next talk.
12:46What can 90's hip-hop tell us about the Qur'an?
12:50Wow.
12:51This Friday, insha'Allah.
12:52Amazing.
12:52That would explain the kurta.
12:54It's nice, innit?
12:56Hmm.
12:57New line of Islamic wear.
12:58Looks more like Hounslow High Street than genuine Supreme Shafi.
13:04See, you met my lovely fiancée.
13:08Look, you two.
13:09That's right.
13:10Do you know what?
13:11I think I better go.
13:13Okay, yeah.
13:14Don't be late to the talk, yeah?
13:15Friday, yalla.
13:18Abdullah!
13:21You're not leaving, are you?
13:22I've been getting marriage offers.
13:24That's nice, Mum, but I ain't good.
13:25You're staying.
13:34When you bite me, baby, it gets me mad.
13:39Cause, crazy lady, you're the best I've ever had.
13:44So bite me, baby, baby, just bite me bad.
13:50Oh, baby, baby, please bite me hard.
13:55I see you knocking on the door.
13:58I see you knocking on the door.
14:01Is that key, perhaps?
14:03Or is that weed, Shafi?
14:13That's right.
14:14You look old, walk up.
14:28They're all gone, bird boy.
14:30You?
14:32How would you get pissed?
14:33Ah, I trust you to forget the mean girl's rule of Halloween costumes.
14:38Don't dress as anything pre-2000.
14:40Oh, sexy, not scary.
14:43Well, obviously I'm not as shallow as you lot.
14:45Oh no, you're as deep as a Pakistani boy in white face needs to be.
14:49Fat.
14:49You made it, man. Hey, what are you drinking?
14:52Oh, you got lemonade?
14:54Okay, I better not be you drinking, mate. Mum's mad enough at me for skipping Eid.
15:00Chris, where's Amrita?
15:01In that ghetto, I don't think it's happening tonight, mate.
15:04Woo-hoo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo!
15:08Yeah! I love this part!
15:13I drink your blood more.
15:20Oh, shit! Sorry!
15:22What's where you're going?
15:23I'm so sorry.
15:24What is that costume?
15:26What's the problem?
15:27You're a costume. You're a colonist.
15:31I'm a 19th century infantryman.
15:33Oh, don't tell me that's politically incorrect somehow.
15:37Uh, quite obviously, actually.
15:40Grow up, it's just a costume.
15:42Who the fuck invited the investment wanker?
15:47Amy, what are you doing here?
15:49This is Amrita, Fraser.
15:51Are you serious?
15:52Who told you this was okay?
15:54Oh, there's nothing offensive about the British Empire.
15:57Can you believe this coming from a guy who said he was only attracted to brown chicks?
16:03I-I told you that.
16:04Get the fuck out of here before I call the political correctness police.
16:09Go on, get!
16:15Well, it doesn't make up for colonialism.
16:18But it's a start!
16:28And Ams, or should I say Count Adulla, decided to go for the Islamophobic vampire after a boy.
16:34Uh, you can't talk, Bride of Frankenstein.
16:38It's not exactly woke going as a character whose entire existence is defined by her husband.
16:43You may as well have gone as a sexy handmaid's tale.
16:49Fine.
16:51So?
16:53You came?
16:55I couldn't miss it.
16:57That was amazing, by the way.
16:59Well, what can I say?
17:02Maybe the Bride of Frankenstein's actually a feminist icon.
17:04No, in the movie it's more about pleasuring zombies.
17:07No, no, no. Frankenstein's not a zombie, okay?
17:09You mean Frankenstein's monster.
17:12Fine, you got me.
17:15So you really dated that prick?
17:19Just a white boy face.
17:21Don't hold it against me.
17:23I'd never.
17:25It's alive!
17:27It's alive!
17:28Frank, you made it!
17:32This is, of course, one of my best friends.
17:35Frankenstein's monster, huh?
17:36Oh, it's Frankenstein.
17:38Thank you very much.
17:39Oh, a horror fan too?
17:40Oh, yeah, absolutely right.
17:42Are you, uh, Bela Nugosi or Christopher Lee-era drag?
17:45I didn't think anybody would.
17:46I'm pulling your leg, bro.
17:47Obviously you're Lee.
17:49But take a look at this one, eh?
17:51Our very own beautiful, empowered Punjabi Rani of terror.
17:58Ha, ha, ha!
18:02Guess white boy face isn't over.
18:05The way he's showing off of the road...
18:07I know where he was.
18:07I mean, you're not ok.
18:08We're ready.
18:11I've gone.
18:18We're ready.
18:19We're ready.
18:21We're ready.
18:22We're ready.
18:49What are you wearing?
18:51What?
18:52What?
18:53Don't play dumb with me.
18:55Are you wearing what I think you're wearing?
18:58I'm sorry, I don't understand.
19:01Oh, poor little posh boy, don't understand old Kath.
19:05Well listen here mate, I don't think this is very funny.
19:09Well I'm not trying to be funny, I'm trying to be scary.
19:12That's even worse.
19:13That is a terrible stereotype you're playing with.
19:15What?
19:16It's Halloween.
19:17Every year a thousand pricks just like you think it's okay to parade the streets dressed
19:21as something that they're not without a single thought for the people whose culture they
19:25appropriate.
19:26Wow, I'm Count Dracula.
19:29That's like literally the most common Halloween costume.
19:32Yeah, but you're not Count Dracula are you?
19:34I mean not even one of us as far as I can tell.
19:36What are you on about?
19:38You've even painted your face white.
19:40Up the cheek.
19:41We're not all pale.
19:43And plastic fucking fangs.
19:45Doesn't get more offensive than this.
19:47Give that back.
19:49What the hell is your problem?
19:52My problem is dickheads like you dragging good vampires through the dirt.
19:55Oh, fuck right off!
20:00I'm so sick.
20:19I'm so sick.
20:24No.
20:26Not the teeth, Cathy.
20:27The fucking teeth!
20:29Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
21:36Jesus Christ.
21:39I mean, higher love.
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