- 7 hours ago
First broadcast 17th February 1994.
When Ray's Uncle Brian appears to be suffering from depression, Arthur seeks the advice of Percy Vallins, a successful businessman but known manic depressive.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Robert Stephens - Percy
Barry Jackson - Brian
Peter Jones - Henry
Amelda Brown - Heather
James Warrior - D. S. Rogerson
Duncan Bell - Fowler
Merelina Kendall - Mrs Kean
James Coyle - Bernie
Geoffrey Drew - Cecil
Daphne Neville - Joy
Russell Kilmister - Security Man
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
When Ray's Uncle Brian appears to be suffering from depression, Arthur seeks the advice of Percy Vallins, a successful businessman but known manic depressive.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Robert Stephens - Percy
Barry Jackson - Brian
Peter Jones - Henry
Amelda Brown - Heather
James Warrior - D. S. Rogerson
Duncan Bell - Fowler
Merelina Kendall - Mrs Kean
James Coyle - Bernie
Geoffrey Drew - Cecil
Daphne Neville - Joy
Russell Kilmister - Security Man
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00I'm going to get you to sleep.
00:01Listen, you're going to strip for sleep.
00:03I'm going to get you to sleep.
00:10I'll go across the desert.
00:13Plum and a plums!
00:18Ooh, ladies.
00:21I know, plums.
00:25As usual, please, Dave.
00:26All right.
00:27Cheer up, Dave.
00:28It's a happy occasion.
00:30I just feel a bit down and dumped off it.
00:33Must have got out of bed a long thought or something.
00:35I'd like it a bit.
00:36We don't want Bernie and his mates to catch him.
00:38Clum and a plums!
00:43Oh, you should see a doctor.
00:46I am a doctor.
00:47I know.
00:48It was a joke.
00:48Something medicinal.
00:51Something medicinal for Dr. Keene.
00:54Have a scotch, please.
00:56Oh, these camels!
00:58Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:01Oh, my God.
01:36Hello, Ray.
01:38Hello, Brian.
01:41You got it, then?
01:43Yeah.
01:45We got it, then.
01:48A lot of work, though, Ray.
01:50Moving.
01:54Ever?
01:56All right, love.
01:57Defensive cup of tea.
01:58I'll get it.
02:08What was the matter?
02:10Shh.
02:15He's been like that now for three days.
02:18He just sits there or in here or on the stairs.
02:22I can't get anything out of him.
02:24I've never seen him like this before.
02:28He just sits there, all still, staring.
02:35I'm like something out of one of those Swedish films.
02:38Eh?
02:41He says he's depressed.
02:44I tried to get him to talk about it, but he says it just makes things worse.
02:49He says he can't talk about it.
02:55Maybe it's something I've said.
02:58I don't know.
03:01Now, I'm starting to get depressed.
03:03He's not depressed.
03:04What's Brian got to be depressed about, eh?
03:07Well, the flower shop's all right, isn't he?
03:09Oh, yeah.
03:12He did send him funerals last week, so that cheered him up.
03:17But he's not been into the shop since Saturday.
03:20And you know how much he loves his flowers.
03:24This isn't like Brian.
03:27Like this.
03:28He's always so...
03:30well, normal.
03:33He's not in any trouble, is he?
03:34I mean, he doesn't owe someone anything like that.
03:37Ray, he sells flowers.
03:39Yeah.
03:40And Arthur sells cars.
03:42You just don't wake up in the morning and get depressed, do you?
03:44There must be something caused it.
03:48He won't talk to me about it.
03:50Or your mother.
03:52That's why I called him.
03:55I love Brian.
03:57I don't want to see him like this.
04:02I'd like to congratulate Bernie on his modest win.
04:05I know from experience that getting a click on a spot-the-ball competition
04:09takes a great deal of skill.
04:12Especially when it's a cricket ball.
04:18I thought I was receiving it.
04:20No, no, no.
04:20This is the Wilsdon Echo check for Bernie.
04:23You're here to receive my check for your hospital.
04:25Patience, Dr Keane.
04:26You must have patience.
04:28I've got 7,500 patients, Mr Daly.
04:3122 of them are expecting to see me before lunch.
04:34It was another joke.
04:37I'd like to thank Bernie for seeing his way to being persuaded by me,
04:40along with other local caring businessmen,
04:43to donate 15% of his gain for the new building at the Reed Hospital.
04:53You said 10% including your overhead.
04:55That's right, Bernie.
04:5610% including overhead.
04:57But not the props.
04:58With the props, it's 15%.
05:00Props?
05:00What props?
05:01This lovely check.
05:02Oh, well, off you go, Bernie.
05:03Come on, Dave.
05:03Let's have the other one.
05:05Right.
05:06There we are.
05:08Here, Doc.
05:09Could you give me an M.O.T. before you go?
05:12What's wrong?
05:13I don't know.
05:14Maybe it's the day of the week,
05:15or perhaps I've just got a bone in me leg,
05:17but I feel for us.
05:18And now I'd like to present my check to Dr Keane,
05:21who has kindly come along from the hospital to accept it.
05:33Try giving it a bit more pep, love.
05:35You're saving lives, remember?
05:37And Arthur, it's a happy moment,
05:39but it's lacking in the seriousness of the cause.
05:43Right.
05:44That's it.
05:47Right.
05:48The doubles are on Bernie.
05:50Happy hour prices.
05:52Right.
05:53Send me around half a dozen with gold leaf surround.
05:55What's the cost?
05:56Look, you think yourself lucky I'm not billing you.
05:58I've just given your sheet an exclusive.
06:00What about the real one?
06:02What do you mean, real one?
06:03That's cardboard.
06:04Perfectly legal tender.
06:06Unfortunately, I don't have my six-foot wallet with me today.
06:10Perhaps I could fix you up with one.
06:17Dave, I see Ray coming just now.
06:18Yeah, he's over there.
06:20Yeah, he's got Brian with him.
06:21Yeah, and what's Brian got?
06:22Is he wearing a quilt?
06:24Don't we have a dress code in here, Dave?
06:27Dave, get a grip on yourself.
06:28Put some music on.
06:29Bernie and his mates might think it's Saturday night.
06:31It's not Saturday.
06:32He doesn't want to go back to work quickly, does he?
06:34He wants to stay here and celebrate his winnings.
06:37Right, Arthur.
06:50What's the matter with Brian?
06:51He's usually a bit perkier.
06:53Not a lot, I agree, but a bit.
06:55He usually moves around.
06:57Get him a drink.
06:57Well, he won't have one, Arthur.
06:58He rettons alcohol is a depressant.
07:00Did your auntie Heather give him a hard time?
07:02He's just a bit down, that's all.
07:04He might not be trying to get him out of it.
07:05Well, the first thing you'd want to get him out of is that tent.
07:08Arthur, he looks like a courgette.
07:10Look at me, auntie Heather.
07:11That's just about how he's been feeling.
07:13You're there close beside me.
07:17I'm sorry, Arthur.
07:18I guess he's bad for business.
07:20I was on top just now, Ray.
07:21I was having a good day.
07:22Not a great day, but a good day.
07:24No, it's all gone.
07:26Oh, take it home for gone's sake.
07:34He doesn't want to come back, Heather.
07:37I can't force him to, can I?
07:41Look, he's fine.
07:43I promise.
07:44In fact, we've had a few laughs.
07:47Well, a couple, yeah.
07:49All right.
07:50We need to add a chat at about 3.30, but...
07:56Look, don't worry.
07:57I'll look after him, I promise.
08:00Yeah?
08:01Well, you have a good night's sleep, and I'll call you tomorrow.
08:03Okay, bye.
08:15All right.
08:38Any chance of a glass of water, Ray?
08:41Yep.
08:42All right.
08:50Come on, Arthur.
08:52Time to go home.
08:53All right.
08:55I'm ready.
08:56Let's go.
09:38What is the matter with you, Arthur?
09:40You don't understand, Dave. I'm worried about Brian.
09:53I haven't got the tomato sauce, have you?
09:56It's a bit late in the meal, isn't it? What are you going to do, eat a plate?
10:00It doesn't affect your appetite, then.
10:04I always eat more when I'm like this.
10:08Here you go.
10:10Who?
10:12You going out?
10:14We're going out.
10:15Where to?
10:16The fount of knowledge.
10:23Brian.
10:25Put his back.
10:28Come on.
10:29Quickly.
10:44Shh.
10:47That's a reference book.
10:48You have to read it here.
10:49I'll bring it back later.
11:10You have to eat.
11:11Come on.
11:11Get out of here.
11:16Let's take a break.
11:16You can get out of here.
11:19We have to eat.
11:30i'd like to buy this car please
11:32it is a bargain
11:33then i'll buy it
11:35i don't know anything about cars
11:37so i'm completely in your hands really
11:39sorry
11:39i'll buy it
11:40i beg your pardon
11:42here's a hundred pounds
11:44and uh
11:45i'll pick it up tomorrow
11:46uh but i only got it yesterday
11:48i
11:50i haven't had it priced up yet
11:52i'm sure it'll be a very fair price
11:54fair price
11:56i like blue
11:57well let's say three and a half then
11:59that sounds like a very fair price to me
12:08uh excuse me
12:10mr um keys
12:11henry keys
12:13mr keys
12:13although this set of wheels is a bargain
12:16it's a little bit on the juicy side
12:17so uh
12:18let's say three
12:20you can't say fairer than that
12:22can you
12:23off you go henry
12:24before i change my mind
12:48hey
12:49how is he
12:50he's about the same
12:51i took him to see his gp
12:52and
12:53well he seemed to lighten up a bit when he saw him
12:55i've got the impression the doctor didn't think he was depressed enough
12:58depressed enough for what
13:00referral to the local hospital
13:01that's what i'm gonna need soon
13:02he's having a depressing effect on my income
13:04he's already emptied the winchester quicker than dave's lasagna
13:08and i've just given away a monkey
13:09you what
13:10i gave it away
13:13how depressed you have to be to get into one of these places
13:15i don't know arthur
13:16doctor said he was just a bit down that's all
13:18i heard he take that
13:20in fact the doctor said he wasn't depressed enough
13:22he got depressed again
13:23here but according to this
13:27what's that
13:28bump a book of depressions
13:29now according to this book that's what they do see
13:31one minute they're up
13:32next minute they're down
13:33look ray
13:33it is true
13:34i hate losing a crust
13:35but you've got to do something with him
13:37he's getting right up my nose
13:38yeah and i know why
13:40oh
13:40yeah i've sussed your little secret arthur
13:42you can't operate with honest people
13:45fortunately the punters i deal with take care of that end of things
13:48no no no it says here that um
13:50yeah
13:51well it says a lot of things but
13:53this book can tell us what's wrong with it
13:55look we've got to get on ray
13:56look if you don't do something with him
13:58i'm going to be broke by the weekend
14:00so get your nose out of that book or you'll be scratching for work
14:02people pay up to 75 guineas and out of me tom this stuff
14:08how much
14:32now we were talking about your childhood
14:34no we weren't
14:36you were talking about yours
14:37i was sharing trying to get you to open up
14:40why can't i just sit on a chair or stool over there
14:43because you've got to relax brian
14:45i've got to get you to open up so you can talk about it
14:47nothing happened
14:50i had a very happy childhood
14:53ah
14:54you're obviously into denial
14:56oh
14:59look it makes me very sad to see you like this
15:01which is why i invited you in against all my better instincts
15:05you only invited me in because you saw that couple coming
15:08yeah because when they saw you they were going to go away
15:11losing money makes me even sadder
15:14well
15:15what do you think's wrong with me
15:16i think you are dysfunctional
15:20am i
15:21yeah i'll state my reputation on that
15:25well that'll have to wait till our next session
15:27that'll be 75 guineas
15:30what
15:31according to this bloke dave
15:34the depressive state is triggered by external forces acting on pre-existing neurosis
15:40yeah
15:41yep
15:42percy valent he's meant to be a bit of a sufferer
15:45i think al called it
15:47who's al
15:47al craig
15:50answer phone how they called him
15:52percy's window cleaner
15:53why'd they call him that
15:54i think he used to sell answer phones
15:56percy valent is that the geezer that runs a chain of dry cleaners
15:59it's the very one
16:01yeah arthur what was his famous catchphrase
16:03let us take you to the dry cleaners way ahead of his time
16:07but what was it they used to call it though
16:09very clever man started in mail order syrups
16:11do what
16:12irish's rugs you know
16:14airpieces
16:15many depressive
16:16here
16:16al reckoned that percy suffered a lot with him
16:19high as a kite one minute down in the dumpster next
16:21that's exactly what he says here
16:23yeah well percy learned to live with it
16:24they reckon he makes his money when he's high and he consolidates when he's low
16:27so you are saying that any minute now brian could change from
16:31an irritating vegetable into some sort of dynamic tycoon
16:35well we better keep his strength up here bung him that bacon banjo dave
16:38go on off you go
16:39all right
16:41cheers ray
16:57i was taking that to brian mr rogersson he's feeling a bit under the weather
17:02who's brian
17:04that's brian
17:08well what's up with him
17:09no one really knows
17:19tell brian i hope he soon gets better will you dave
17:23oh hang on gobb
17:25we've just nicked eric perry what about a drink
17:27i'm not so sure that i'm up for it now
17:33i think there was something in that sandwich
17:36if he'd got angry about it the sandwich that would have been fine
17:40i could have threatened him or something but he just sat there looking at me
17:44i think there was definitely something in that sandwich
17:47i used to look at my dad like that
17:53yeah yeah this is wherever it is fowler take it easy on the curves all right
17:59look if brian has got the same thing this maniac depression manic
18:02yeah if he's got the same as percy then this could be brian's consolidating phase right
18:07how do you mean well i mean he's not always this down is he i mean you've seen him smile
18:11sometimes i mean he could be bimolar like um percy i thought brian was happily married
18:17no that's polar bipolar molars your teeth here
18:22yeah bipolar an affective disorder in which the sufferer experiences episodes of both mania
18:27that's a high and depression that is percy when he was high he bought the chain of dry cleaners
18:31when he was low he accepted and consolidated yeah but what's brian consolidating well he's
18:36already got one shop off the ground hasn't he perhaps he's planning to open a chain no
18:39he's just a florist he likes flowers he's not a businessman yeah they reckon percy valon
18:44he started from a phone box exactly dave you don't necessarily need money to make money
18:49if this is brian's consolidating phase then a high could be just around the corner yeah
18:56well he's gonna need professional guidance isn't he well i wish you'd give us some arthur because
18:59you've lost me a business manager an advisor someone to console him on his downers if brian
19:06is on the way up all we have to do is be there when he's ready to take off
19:15where yeah it's probably sale or return 28 days yeah keep your eye open for any manic ascendancy
19:24what rodney oh come on i'm not going to skip the country yeah and what am i going to do
19:29with three
19:30grows of turbans yeah all right ta-ra
19:35i'm gonna go home
19:38you heard him yeah arthur i think he means by himself well that's a good sign means he's coming
19:43out of isolation via rodney's conrod street
20:13i thought i'd bring some of these back from the shop
20:16brighten the place up a bit
20:20ray what's in the box what are you doing ray and where's brian
20:30what are you doing here me and ray are looking after your brian he's a bit down but several of
20:36my specialist medical friends tell me he's about to swing into a high arthur what are you up to what
20:42are you talking about i don't want brian high i want him as he was as he is
20:50who's are all these bits of air and what are they doing here well it was arthur's idea
20:57brian love i wish you'd tell me what's wrong brian hello heather hello brian i thought you could use
21:06the extra cash what are you being short staffed at the shop and everything what extra cash when brian
21:11hits a high mail order syrups excuse me excuse me but what are you on about mail order it worked
21:18for
21:26brian
21:28is
21:30brian
21:38brian
21:47brian
21:48I'm all right.
21:52It won't be long.
21:58Hey there.
21:59Yes, Brian?
22:01I'm sorry, no.
22:05I'll cook you some spicy sausage.
22:08That'll cheer you up.
22:14Well, I work once.
22:15There's no reason why I shouldn't work again.
22:16Hey, the important thing is to get the advanced promotion organised.
22:19What advanced promotion?
22:21Well, small ads, you know, mail order.
22:23Transform your appearance.
22:25Impress the ladies.
22:26Look years younger wearing an Arthur Daly airpiece.
22:29Yeah, I thought this was meant to be Brian's business.
22:31Yeah, it is.
22:32He can do the before and after picture.
22:34Do what?
22:35Well, picture before without a rug and then one with it to show how much better he looks.
22:39I don't think Brian's much of an advert either way at the moment, Arthur.
22:42Yeah, no point there.
22:45Oh, yeah, Dave.
22:47I can't see Dave wearing one of these.
22:50Oh, no, you don't have to wear that one.
22:51We'll give him a choice.
22:52He might want to go blonde.
22:54But the important thing is to be ready as soon as Brian makes a move.
22:58I want you to monitor him constantly.
23:01Yeah, but what am I supposed to do?
23:02I mean, I can't go round there and stay with him and Heather, can I?
23:05Why not?
23:05Your mum's there most of the time.
23:07You could take it in turns.
23:08Yeah, but Arthur, what exactly am I supposed to be looking for?
23:11I don't know, Ray.
23:12But the minute he takes off the anorak or says he's looking forward to a funeral,
23:16I want you to get me on the dog.
23:18I'll leave you to do the surveillance while I research the ins and outs of the Valin method.
23:41Will I see Mr. Percy Valins, please?
23:43Who shall I say would like to see him?
23:45Arthur Daly.
23:46A fellow sufferer.
23:55He says he's too busy.
23:57Perhaps you could put it in writing.
23:59When will he not be too busy?
24:02No idea.
24:03I'll wait then.
24:04I hope that's all right.
24:24Mr. Daly?
24:26Yes.
24:26Very kind of you to wait.
24:28Mr. Valins will see you now.
24:29Is he up or down?
24:31He's on the fifth floor.
24:37Mr. Valins will see you now.
25:05It's very kind of you to see me, Mr. Valins.
25:07It's very kind of you to have waited.
25:09It's kinder of you to see me than for me to wait.
25:11Oh.
25:12I haven't got too long.
25:13I've got to be out again in an hour.
25:14Please.
25:14Oh, thank you.
25:18Now, I understand that you're a sufferer.
25:21Things can get very dark.
25:23It's a terrible thing to suffer from.
25:25But the thing is, when you're down there, you feel as though it's never going to end.
25:31But it does.
25:32It always passes.
25:35Well, it's a friend who's suffering, actually.
25:37I'm suffering because he is.
25:39You're a carer.
25:41Joy looks after me.
25:42Joy.
25:44What a name to have to live up to.
25:48I don't usually see many people.
25:51When I'm on a high, most of them can't keep up with me.
25:55When I'm down, well, some of them take advantage.
26:00I suppose I'm a sort of, um, reclusive.
26:04But I don't walk on toilet paper.
26:07No, no.
26:08Of course not.
26:11Why would you want to?
26:14How I choose.
26:16That's what happens when you isolate.
26:19It is a brave man who walks backwards into the cave of the snowcat.
26:28Well, how can I help your friend?
26:31Do you mind if I'm a bit personal?
26:33I mean, I know you've been in a few hospitals.
26:36You've had it.
26:37The manic depression?
26:38Yeah.
26:39He seems to go into himself.
26:42And I want to help to get him out.
26:45Does he drink?
26:46Well, he doesn't have a drinking problem, if that's what you mean.
26:49No, I mean, most of the time he's been normal, playing with a full deck.
26:53But now his wife has started thinking it's something she said.
26:57So I thought I'd come straight to the horses.
26:59What?
27:01Do you think he's having one over on his wife?
27:03No.
27:03No, no, I don't think so.
27:05The thought had crossed my mind.
27:07No, he could be acting up.
27:10How do I tell?
27:14Remember Colditz?
27:16Oh, who can forget it?
27:17Chuck Lancaster and his little sparrow.
27:21No, I mean the television series.
27:24Well, I saw an episode of Colditz where this prisoner was acting batty to get home on compassionate grounds.
27:31Well, he got home.
27:35But when he got there, he was genuinely batty.
27:41I'm not quite with you.
27:43Well, if your friend has really got it, and believe me, it's not something you'd chase after.
27:48My heart goes out to him.
27:52But if he's just putting on a performance, depending on how good an actor he is,
27:58well, he might buy into it hook, line and sinker.
28:01But how do I tell the difference between a performance and a full Monty?
28:07Well, if you've got a few minutes, all I can give you is my experience, strength and hope.
28:35Look, I have to be honest with you, but since yesterday,
28:40my mechanic has made a rather indiscreet discovery about this car
28:44that could dampen your enthusiasm, or more likely waterlog it.
28:50Rust.
28:51Rust?
28:53According to this, it's perfectly road weather for the next ten months.
28:57Well, I like to feel any car purchased here would last at least one lifetime.
29:00I mean, like this family hatchback here, at exactly the same price.
29:05What kind of family would want that to last a lifetime?
29:08Look, I am legally obliged to point these things out to you,
29:11but in the end, the final decision is down to you.
29:14I am just an honest trader.
29:16I promised myself a blue car.
29:20This will be fine for what I want.
29:24Have you got the key?
29:25Key.
29:26Is it your hand?
29:27Oh, yeah, there we are.
29:30Um, don't go too far.
29:34Only local.
29:43Mr. Daly.
29:44What?
29:45You've sold me a bargain.
29:50Bargain.
29:51Bargain.
29:52Me selling a bargain.
29:54Brian's fault.
29:55One look at him and I lose the will to Hagel.
29:59His problem has got to be dealt with.
30:00Yeah, but Arthur, that's what we've been trying to do, isn't it?
30:03No, no, no.
30:03Chuck all that out.
30:04I've got the full SP from Percy Valens.
30:07That man is a genius.
30:08Remember Colditz?
30:09No.
30:10Yeah, TV series.
30:11German prison castle.
30:13If you couldn't tunnel your way out with a wooden what's it,
30:15you're pretending to be balmy.
30:16Hang on, Arthur.
30:17You're losing me.
30:19Percy thinks Brian may be pulling a stroke.
30:22Right, but...
30:23Why would anyone pretend to be depressed, eh?
30:26How should I know?
30:28The point is, either his depression is a genuine article,
30:31in which case we can look forward to a nice little earner
30:33when he enters the manic phase.
30:35Or?
30:36Or the old thing's a porky,
30:37which Percy suggests may be due
30:39to some serious aggravation in Brian's personal,
30:42which he's trying to escape from.
30:43So what does Percy think we should do now, eh?
30:46Have a meet with Brian
30:47and suss out the genuine nature of his complaint.
30:50You better go and find him.
30:51What?
30:52And cross your fingers that his depression is kosher.
30:54I laid out a grand on those wigs.
30:56Right.
31:00Brian.
31:33I laid out a grand on those wigs.
31:51One of yours, Brian?
31:54Yeah.
31:56Heather's doing it.
31:59Normally, she handles the weddings
32:01and I do the funerals.
32:04But you're still in your low period.
32:07Oh, yeah.
32:10No sudden feeling of elation at all?
32:13Not really.
32:16Is it because of cold, it's, Brian?
32:20The flat's not so bad, Arthur.
32:24I'm talking about escape committees, Brian.
32:27Pretense.
32:29Subterfuge.
32:30Pulling the wall.
32:32Because, you see, according to Percy,
32:35well, that is, according to an eminent consultant
32:37of my acquaintance,
32:38you should have entered your up period by now
32:41and we should be making a fortune.
32:46Unless...
32:46Unless what, Arthur?
32:48Unless your depression is bent.
32:52Bent?
32:53Dodgy.
32:54Not up to manufacturer's specification.
32:56Hookie.
32:58You're making it all up.
33:06I'm sorry, Arthur.
33:09You all got out of hand.
33:16How could you, Brian?
33:19I mean, is that the act of a brother-in-law?
33:23I shelled out good money on the chance
33:25of you being a manic depressive.
33:27All the time you're just giving an impression of depression.
33:31Say nothing of the grief you wished on your lovely wife.
33:34And the clientele of the Winchester.
33:36I was driven to it, Arthur.
33:38I know.
33:39Don't tell me.
33:40Yours indoors.
33:41Ever.
33:42No, of course not.
33:44Is her sister Doreen?
33:47Doreen?
33:48You're neither.
33:49Now we move closer.
33:50She's always coming round.
33:53She hangs around her shop suggesting things.
33:55I've heard a married woman of 30 years.
33:57No.
33:58I mean things about the business.
34:01Well, they all do that, Brian.
34:16Using plastic foam as the base for a wreath.
34:21She was going to get in touch with you
34:23about getting a few thousand of them in at cost.
34:26Which is all right.
34:28But I like doing things the old way.
34:31No, I don't think it's my line.
34:40One of yours?
34:41Yeah.
34:41Nice.
34:44So?
34:47Yeah.
34:47So one day last week, I just finished a funeral.
34:50I was feeling a bit sad.
34:52I get like that sometimes.
34:54But it don't last long, usually.
34:55I don't take it back to ever.
34:58Doreen's in again.
34:59What did she do?
35:00She'd just come back from the graveyard in King Street,
35:03full of ideas.
35:05I like to raise my mother.
35:07It's just that sometimes she can be a bit businesslike.
35:11Oh, yeah.
35:11That can be very insensitive, Brian.
35:14She wanted me to have a word with the undertaker,
35:16see if I couldn't get the conductor.
35:18The what?
35:20He's the bloke that leads the mourners.
35:23It's very moving.
35:25She wondered if I couldn't ask him to speed up a bit,
35:29walk faster.
35:31Her way of thinking was that in the time saved,
35:34I could make some extra money.
35:37I had no idea she'd absorb so much of the daily philosophy.
35:43I tell you, Arthur, I was so shocked I couldn't speak.
35:47And I got very down having her in and out all the time.
35:50And then I noticed she don't like being around you.
35:54And depression's too strong a word.
35:56She don't like anything too upsetting.
35:58So I thought, well, if it works, why fight it?
36:03Every time I saw her, I acted up a bit.
36:05I think you mean acted down a bit, don't you?
36:09She stopped coming in.
36:11And by that time, you were well into the part.
36:13I suppose so, yeah.
36:15Now you're out of it?
36:18Yeah.
36:20Arthur, I don't know how to thank you.
36:23Come on.
36:30No, no, no, no.
36:32It really isn't me.
36:33Dave, it fits you like a glove.
36:35Like a glove, Arthur.
36:37It is a glove.
36:37Look, it's even got fingers.
36:39Well, purchase a pair.
36:44Are you serving or what?
36:46I'm sorry, it's members only in here, I'm afraid, sir.
36:49Oh, I'm sure it is.
36:51I just want a drink at the bar.
36:53Yeah, well...
36:54It's all right, Dave.
36:55Henry.
36:58Remember me?
37:00Oh, yeah.
37:02Hmm.
37:05Are you all right?
37:17Here, have a sit down here.
37:21Here, Arthur.
37:23Ray's just coming.
37:25Right.
37:27The, um...
37:29The car's all right, is it?
37:32Hmm?
37:33You sure you wouldn't rather go back inside?
37:36I shouldn't have been there in the first place.
37:39Drink does my head in.
37:44I was born round here, you know.
37:46Oh.
37:47Right here.
37:49It's funny, isn't it?
37:51Oh.
37:52I can't drink.
37:54And the house where I was born
37:57is now a saloon bar.
37:59No, no.
37:59It's not a saloon bar, Henry.
38:02It's a saloon club.
38:06But there is an irony there.
38:07Yeah, I agree.
38:11We've met before.
38:14Yeah.
38:15I'd remember you, Henry.
38:17It didn't hit me until
38:18just before I drove the car off this morning.
38:22Well, we have.
38:24Must be
38:2625 years ago now.
38:29I was in Q Division.
38:31West End.
38:32No.
38:33I've never been up the West End.
38:35I arrested you for receiving stolen goods
38:38just off Carnaby Street.
38:41Of course, you talked your way out of it.
38:45You were driving a two-tone Zodiac at the time.
38:49Detective Inspector Keyes.
38:52Not now.
38:54Not anymore.
38:55Not for
38:5715 years.
39:01I retired.
39:04Not on medical grounds, either.
39:07That's something else that's funny.
39:10I could have retired,
39:11quite legitimately, as it turned out,
39:14on medical grounds.
39:16But I was arrogant enough to believe
39:19that the DPP wouldn't prosecute.
39:21Oh, prosecute for what?
39:24Oh, everything.
39:26Everything.
39:28I was mixed up in everything.
39:31Truth is, Arthur, I
39:33fitted myself up.
39:40It's funny, isn't it?
39:43Half an hour ago, I was all right.
39:46And now I'm like this.
39:49I just can't seem to keep a mood going.
39:53What a sad tale.
39:56I'm sorry to be a burden to you, Arthur.
40:02I'm just not very good company at the moment.
40:06I'll snap out of it.
40:10I thought coming back to the old neighbourhood might help.
40:15Emotional roots and all that.
40:16Yeah, it's not all bad, Henry.
40:18I mean, you've got a nice blue motor.
40:21Yeah, I like blue.
40:23Blue is the colour of my first quad car.
40:27One of those...
40:30human imps.
40:31Come on.
40:33Here, Arthur.
40:35Here.
40:35Here, whatever you said of Bryant worked a treat.
40:37He's bounced right back to normal.
40:38Yeah, and auntie said she was sorry for being a bit off.
40:40She wants me to thank you.
40:41Think nothing of it.
40:42It's my speciality.
40:44Whatever Bryant didn't have, I think he's got it.
40:46And he's never even met your mother.
40:48Who?
40:49I've got to make a phone call.
40:50Bring him in, will you?
40:51And, uh...
40:55I used to play with my train set around here.
41:04The CPS office said they're not going to prosecute.
41:06Who?
41:07Eric Perry, Governor.
41:09The man we've been investigating the passport now.
41:15You haven't been the same since you had that sandwich.
41:18Hello?
41:20Do you remember a D.I. called Keyes?
41:23Henry Keyes?
41:24You'd have to be one slice short of a loaf to have met him and forget it.
41:28I thought so.
41:28I recognised him immediately.
41:30You've seen him?
41:32Detective Inspector Keyes.
41:34I was his Doppo.
41:36We were the lads.
41:37He was like a father to me.
41:41He's here.
41:42At the Winchester.
41:44Well, that's slum, innit?
41:45What's a Doppo?
41:47I was sick of hand.
41:51The Winchester Club is a respectable gentleman's club, Mr. Rogerson.
41:56The point is, he's here at the moment.
41:58And he seems to be in a bit of a muddle.
42:00And I thought, being as one of your own, well, ex-own...
42:03He asked for me?
42:05By name?
42:05He said you were the only one who ever really understood.
42:10Well, most of the other detectives on his squad merely talk, but...
42:15Henry and I, well...
42:17We shared together.
42:19Even in the rough.
42:21I'll be there in 20 minutes.
42:25Colleague in trouble, Gough?
42:27One of the best.
42:29He taught me everything I know.
42:32We used to call him the Governor.
42:35We call everyone the Governor, Gough.
42:37Yes, yes, yes, but we called him the Governor.
43:27Where is he, Arthur?
43:28Where's the Governor?
43:29In the gents.
43:30Been in there nearly half an hour.
43:32What's up with him?
43:33Well, I don't know.
43:33I'm not a doctor, am I?
43:35I thought it might have something to do with the nature of his career.
43:37That's why I called you.
43:44Governor?
43:48Governor?
43:50It's me, Governor.
43:54Roggie.
43:55Dickie R.
43:56Richard.
43:59You remember me.
44:00Roggie Rogerson, I was your old TDC.
44:04I remember the summer of 1973, eh?
44:07Remember me now?
44:10No.
44:12Go on, get out.
44:14And you'd better get a GP over here, just in case.
44:17In case of what?
44:17Well, he doesn't bloody remember me, does he?
44:20So he's obviously suffering from amnesia, for starters.
44:23What are you doing here, Daley?
44:25As a shareholder in his establishment, I obviously have a keen interest in what goes on in the toilets.
44:30Get him out of here, will you?
44:32Well, you're...
44:38Gov'nor?
44:39It's Roggie.
44:41You remember me.
44:43Yours was the first squad I was in, out of uniform.
44:46Well, you were a second-hand skipper, then.
44:49I'm a DS now.
44:55Didn't I fit you up once?
44:57I was on your side, Henry.
45:00Oh, yeah.
45:03Hello, Dickie.
45:05Oh, dear, oh, dear, Governor.
45:06You are in a pickle.
45:09Do you want to talk about it?
45:20I must say, I was surprised by you, Mr. Daley.
45:24Your handling of a delicate situation was very impressive.
45:27Well, I have, um, recently become more au fait with the ups and downs of these poor tortured souls.
45:33And I do have a flair for caring.
45:38Excuse me, Doctor.
45:40Um, how long do you think he'll be inside?
45:44His is quite a severe case.
45:46He could be in hospital for a long time.
45:49Really?
45:53Yeah, I think I'll just go and say a last farewell.
45:56He was the governor, Arthur.
45:58They crippled him.
46:00They got him on bribery, falsifying evidence, intimidation.
46:04He just got stupid, that's all.
46:06He thought he was untouchable.
46:09Thanks for phoning.
46:10Yeah, let's just keep it between you and me, eh?
46:12For his sake.
46:21Henry, there is just one more thing.
46:29Where are you off to?
46:30Return this.
46:31It's making me feel guilty.
46:32Well, don't let it make you too depressed.
46:34You seem cheerful enough, Arthur.
46:35Henry and I have come to a compatible understanding.
46:37I've done him a favour of taking the car off his hands.
46:41For how much?
46:42Well, he's not going to need a car in there, is he?
46:44He's going to sit out in the street, picking up parking fines,
46:46not to mention random acts of vandalism,
46:48and weather damage.
46:50Arthur, how much?
46:51Two and a half.
46:51Two and a half?
46:52Five hundred less than he paid for it.
46:54Ray, when Henry bought that motor,
46:56it had three previous owners.
46:57It now has four.
46:58A natural decrease in market value.
47:00Yeah, but Arthur, do you want to deal with a bloke in that condition?
47:03That's well out of order.
47:04Dave, I've also mused on that question.
47:07Consider, in recent days,
47:09I have virtually given away an A-condition motor
47:12to a man who once had me under arrest.
47:14I've laid out serious money to Rodney the Rug
47:17for a consignment of vulgar and worthless toupees,
47:20on the off chance that brother-in-law Brian
47:22would emulate Percy Valens, the manic millionaire.
47:25On top of that,
47:26I've done various acts of kindness for the plod,
47:29past and present,
47:30Ben and Les Pen,
47:31and at no time did I ask for even a little earner.
47:34That is all very true, Arthur.
47:36But,
47:37just before the ambulance door closed
47:39on that poor unfortunate,
47:40I bought back the motor
47:42and made five hundred sobs into the bargain.
47:44That can only mean one thing, Dave.
47:46What's that?
47:47I'm cured.
47:49Cheers.
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