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00:14Good evening, happy Easter, and in the strongest possible terms, hello.
00:24Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of you did not watch
00:32it.
00:33For those who missed it, here's a summary. You didn't miss much.
00:39And honestly, I'm kicking meself. I let you down, but everyone deserves a second chance.
00:48Peter Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come.
00:54So allow me to try again.
00:59The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month,
01:03but I can assure you we are working at pace towards a de-escalation,
01:09and the pace we are working at is leisurely.
01:15I know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling,
01:20not only in England, but also in the top bit, and the side bits as well.
01:27Life is getting harder. And furthermore, goodbye.
01:40Wait. Wait. Wait.
01:45I'm told there's a second page to my speech.
01:49Oh, that's right. The inspiring part.
01:55Look, I know I'm not inspiring.
01:59When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought the vibe down so much
02:04that the interviewer called the Samaritans.
02:08So I've asked some Britons that people actually like
02:11to help me put a pep in your step.
02:15First up, England legend Harry Kane.
02:29Yeah, cheers. Nice one, Gaffer.
02:33Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing team talks?
02:38Yeah, obviously.
02:41The Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing waterway.
02:48Always said that.
02:50But, yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran,
02:53they're sold in attack.
02:56You know, sold in defence.
02:59Yeah, good at set pieces too.
03:00So, yeah, you've just got to take it one more at a time.
03:03And, yeah, it's going to be nice.
03:08Thank you, Harry.
03:16Next up, a Briton with a smile that could light up a room,
03:20which could be useful when the power runs out.
03:24Film and TV star, Olivia Colman.
03:33Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it?
03:37Flirting with Iran and playing with oil.
03:41Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage,
03:43all the power is off and we're snogging in the dark.
03:46Shhh, shhh, aren't I naughty?
03:50Thanks, Olivia.
03:52Love the enthusiasm.
03:54Our final speaker combines two of my greatest interests.
03:58Outstanding British television and pork.
04:02It's Peppa Pig.
04:11Cheer us up, Peppa.
04:13Thank you, Daddy Care.
04:16Life is hell, but it doesn't last long
04:19and soon the sadness will end.
04:23Thanks, Peppa.
04:25You're very different from how you seem on the telly.
04:28And you're very similar.
04:32Well, there you have it.
04:34Big thanks to Britain's Big Three,
04:36Harry Kane, MBE,
04:38Olivia Colman, CBE,
04:40and Peppa Pig, P-I-G-P.
04:44Oh, no.
04:45Here come the power cuts.
04:47Fend for yourselves, everyone.
04:49Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me.
04:51And live from London, Saturday night!
05:01It's Saturday Night Live!
05:08With...
05:10the audience's cheering...
05:12got a chance...
05:17Iowande Bramboye!
05:22IWANDE BRAMBOYE!
05:23Larry Dean!
05:30Celeste Strig
05:37George Moreacres
05:42Andrea Magliano
05:48Annabelle Marlow
05:53Al Nash
05:59Jack Shep
06:05And the CD
06:13Paddy Young
06:20Musical guest Kasabian
06:26And your host, Riz Ahmed
06:37Ladies and gentlemen, Riz Ahmed
06:55Yes, yes, yes
06:57Thank you, thank you so much
07:00Wow
07:01Hello, my name is Riz Ahmed
07:04And it is an absolute honour
07:06To be hosting
07:08SNL UK
07:13Now, I'm an actor
07:16I'm a writer
07:17I'm a producer
07:18And I'm a rapper
07:19So for those of you who don't know who I am
07:22Clearly neither do I
07:26I'm working it out
07:28Mostly I'm an actor
07:29And contrary to popular belief
07:31I don't just play intense roles
07:33I also do some family feel-good stuff
07:37Like, for example
07:38Do you guys know Sound of Music?
07:41Sound of Music
07:41I did a film just like that
07:44Called Sound of Metal
07:46It's almost exactly the same
07:48It's about a musician
07:49Who's slowly going deaf
07:51And he's a heroin addict
07:51Who lives in a van
07:53Just like Sound of Music
07:54And it's feel-good
07:55Because you're not him
07:58But seriously
07:59I've done some comedies as well
08:00Some of you might have seen a film
08:02I did called Four Lions
08:07That's what I'm saying
08:08It's a feel-good movie
08:10About characters
08:11You can really root for
08:14Christmas movie
08:15But I actually
08:17I've just created
08:18And released my own comedy
08:20It's called Bait
08:23Thank you, thank you man
08:27It's about an out-of-work actor
08:30Auditioning to be James Bond
08:31And the character is going
08:33Through an identity crisis
08:34And if you're wondering
08:35Why I made a comedy
08:37About someone having
08:37An identity crisis
08:38Look at me, man
08:40I'm confused
08:42It's not my fault
08:43I grew up in Wembley
08:45But I went to Oxford University
08:48And that's why I sound like this
08:52Like a mix between
08:53Stormzy and Rishi Sunak
08:57We've actually all got a track together
08:58On my next album
08:59It's called Oi Roo Boy
09:01Shut Up
09:01This is The Quiet Carriage
09:04It's a banner
09:06But I actually feel
09:07That even this show
09:09Is having an identity crisis
09:10In a way
09:11We're three episodes in
09:12And your hosts have been
09:13American
09:14Irish
09:15And me
09:17Don't worry
09:18Next week
09:18We're going to have
09:20One of the nation's
09:21Most prominent
09:21Asian comedians
09:23Jack Whitehall
09:25You've seen how much
09:26He goes on holiday
09:27With his parents, man
09:28That's so Asian
09:30That's so Asian
09:31Don't worry, Jack
09:32Your secret is safe with me
09:33Asalaamu Alaikum, brother
09:36But sometimes I feel like
09:37The whole nation's
09:38Having this identity crisis
09:39And that's why we're so divided
09:40Right?
09:41We're divided over politics
09:42Over the climate
09:43Over the Beckhams
09:46But I think that
09:47I know how to solve it
09:48I think I can solve
09:50Britain's identity crisis
09:51Because I think there's one thing
09:52That unites us all
09:54In essence
09:55What makes us British
09:56Is
09:58We like it when things
10:00Are a little bit crap
10:03Not totally crap
10:05But just a little bit crap
10:07You know
10:07We like that
10:08We like it
10:09We like giving
10:10Thank you, yes
10:11We like giving
10:14Crap compliments
10:15You know
10:16Someone says
10:17He's a bit of a character
10:18That means you're a knob
10:19You know
10:20And we like sports
10:22That are a bit crap
10:23Cricket
10:24Can go on for five days
10:26And still be a drawer
10:28And we like giving gifts
10:30That are a bit crap
10:31You know
10:31Like original sauce
10:32Mint and tea tree
10:33Shower gel
10:35My balls feel like
10:37They're in Siberia
10:39Thank you for that
10:40Auntie, by the way
10:42We celebrate
10:43When things are a bit crap
10:44We literally cheer
10:46When someone drops
10:48Their pint glass
10:49In the pub
10:50That's the best of Britain
10:52We like it
10:54When things
10:55Are a little bit
10:58That's right
10:58So we've got a great show
11:00For you today
11:06Really great show
11:07Actually, no
11:07We genuinely have
11:08A fantastic show
11:09It's very un-British
11:10Of us
11:11We've got Kasabian here
11:13It's gonna be a banger
11:15Stick around
11:16And watch this
11:37A lot of people in TV and movies
11:39Always have their phones on loud
11:42I've never met a Gen Z girl
11:44Who has her phone on loud
11:47People's phone's big in every situation
11:50And no one ever has their own vibration
11:52A lot of people in TV and movies
11:55Always have their phones on loud
11:57People's school
11:58Faces in a phone-free place
12:00Sharing a clip of a girl on her face
12:02Veep, veep, veep
12:03She's looking round perplexed
12:05How come she's the only one
12:06Who didn't get the chance
12:07A man walks into a corporate space
12:10After committing a hater sex crime
12:12He's clearly done
12:13A very bad thing
12:15He's gambling, gambling, and the phones go dang
12:20Why would all the texts come at once?
12:23All the phones are going off at once
12:25Calling her a slut
12:26And he's a dirty dog
12:27Every single phone's going crazy for all
12:30A lot of people in TV and movies
12:33Always have their phones on loud
12:34On loud
12:35I still understand the scene
12:37Without the very loud texting sound
12:40Every text is expositional
12:43Hey dad, can you pick me up?
12:45Now that mom's dead?
12:47All the apps are autostictional
12:49Let me just search that up on the Glinkle app
12:57Hmm
12:59Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:01What is your house?
13:02It has studio lights
13:04And how the hell is that the first text message
13:06That you better send to your wife?
13:11Well, while we're here
13:13A lot of cops in TV and movies
13:15Only have co-workers at their personal events
13:17It's your 58th birthday
13:19Telling me none of your family went
13:23There's only other cops at your house
13:25Clearly no one wants to come to your house
13:28It's just colleagues on your wedding day
13:30And you've also got
13:31A colleague for a spouse
13:33What you, yeehaw!
13:34Why is everything in TV and movies
13:36Not how it is in real life?
13:38iPhone's been waterproof since 2016
13:40Why'd you put it in rice?
13:42And people answer the phone
13:43While they're having sex
13:44The phone and car
13:45Bluetooth always connects
13:46CEOs with email notifications
13:48And the phone contacts
13:50Include relations
13:51The calls are always so fast-paced
13:53iPhones have an Android interface
13:55The answer's not even
13:56Never seen a phone before
13:57Make a confidential call
13:58At the Apple store
13:59But mostly it's the way
14:02TV and films all sound
14:06With all the phones all
14:08All the phones all
14:11So sort it out
14:16Wait, Mom, slow down
14:17Jason, my brother, your son
14:19Has been arrested
14:22Don't panic
14:22I'll order a goober there
14:50In today's challenge
14:52Our contestants I did a whopping four thousand two hundred and fifty pounds to the prize fund
14:58But now it's time for the faithfuls to return to the roundtable
15:03Can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man?
15:16I'd like to start this experience has been amazing
15:19But at the end of the day, we need to find the great big crab man
15:24But there's someone here. I just don't trust and that person is
15:34It's yourself Imran
15:38Great we're doing this again. I know I was wrong about Kaya metal and if
15:48But I have a feeling I just can't shake
15:53Obviously not a great big crab man
15:56But to be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab man would say
16:02Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say why is nobody looking at Sebastian
16:13I've only got two
16:15100% not a great big crab man's and it's myself and Sebastian
16:23Look at him bro, he's a flipping crab
16:25See, getting defensive like that, it only makes you look more like a great big crab man
16:31Okay, okay, what what about today's challenge?
16:3530 seconds! You've got this. Go towards it! What's wrong with you man? Just go forwards!
16:46Imran, he told us his ankles only work sideways
16:49Everybody knows he's trying to win the money to pay for an ankle doctor
16:54Okay, fine, so why was he acting so weird at breakfast?
16:58Because he's tired, you can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons
17:04Can I just say I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight
17:08To be fair to Imran
17:09To be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is algae, seaweed and invertebrates and for me, that's suspicious
17:17The time for talk is over
17:19Now, it's time to vote
17:38Time's up
17:39Enormous good luck everyone
17:43I'm sorry
17:46It is what it is
17:50Sorry girl
17:52Imran, I'm so sorry
18:00Love you man
18:05Imran, you have received the most votes
18:08Would you like to join me please?
18:16Listen yeah
18:18I've had an amazing time
18:19It's been an incredible journey
18:21And I've made friends for life
18:22But
18:23There's something weighing in on my heart
18:25And I've got to come out and say it
18:28I'm obviously not a great big crab man, you idiots
18:33Imran out
18:37What the hell are you playing at?
18:41You've just voted off another not a great big crab man
18:46And the real great big crab man is still out there laughing at you
18:52Ok
18:53Ok
18:54Ok
18:54Ok, I'm just gonna say it
18:55There's someone who is slipping under the radar
18:59At tomorrow's round table
19:00The person I'll be looking at
19:02Hey, hey, hey, hey
19:03I'll pack my box
19:18Ok
19:18Ok
19:19Hey
19:20You're really good
19:22Operation
19:23Isn't that a game for like six year olds?
19:25Ok, why don't you give it a go then?
19:27Ok, I will
19:30It's simple
19:30You just
19:34Oh
19:35Ok, that was a warm up
19:39You can leave it babe
19:40No, no, no, no
19:41It's fine
19:41It's easy
19:46Babe
19:48Babe
19:48Come to bed
19:51Yeah
19:51Yeah, yeah
19:52One minute
19:56Kids
19:56Get in the car
19:57Mummy will be there in a sec
20:00Are you coming or not?
20:18Are you coming?
20:19We're cutting the cake
20:27It's just a game
20:29It's not just a game
20:30It literally is
20:32It says it on the box
20:33It's six plus
20:38Stop looking at me
20:48I can't take it anymore
20:50We're leaving
20:53Hey
20:55I lifted it clean
21:01Can you imagine
21:09So I'm there just
21:10Fully committed
21:11Waving at them
21:12grinning like an idiot
21:13And walked straight past me
21:14Oh no
21:16I just felt like such a plum
21:18I've missed this
21:20I've missed you
21:23It's not on fire
21:25Help! Help! Is there a doctor in the house?
21:27One of our diners is from outside. Are you serious?
21:40Come on, honey.
21:42No, wait.
21:44I've got this.
21:45Honey, are you sure about this?
21:49Everybody stand back.
21:57Give me those.
22:00What are you...
22:06I'm going for the bread basket.
22:08What the...
22:10God, it helped me.
22:12What is all this?
22:17Fishbowl!
22:19Where's the horse?
22:20Oh, God!
22:22If you have to believe me, there were supposed to be pieces.
22:24And then a butterfly and a bread buff.
22:26Whatever, sir, you're coming with me.
22:27Olivia?
22:28Olivia, tell them!
22:30Olivia!
22:31Oh, God!
22:32Oh, God!
22:33Oh, God!
22:35Oh, God!
22:35Oh, God!
22:39Oh, God!
22:50This is OG FM coming at ya.
22:52old classics for old heads it's all 90s music all the time and we mean all the time when we
22:59want to talk we just turn it up turn it down very slightly on the decks we've got mc twister
23:06dj tillera me lady magnum pink lemonade and yes all our names are types of ice cream
23:17coincidence if you remember these tunes from back in the day then you are old shout out to my
23:22middle-aged brothers and sisters nostalgia coming at ya all right all right so tonight we've got some
23:30real talk for all you over 50s prostate cancer real serious but people don't talk about it because it's
23:36about one you should have a platform for good all right we've got a mad guest in the studio here
23:44to
23:44educate us it's dr rishi come on big up dr rishi looking sharp i appreciate that um yeah so yeah
23:53i mean thanks thanks for having me um all right doctor knowledge on us yeah sorry so yeah well
24:00prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in eight men shout out to michelle
24:07sw5 going hard on the weekend what are you saying dr rish right yeah um yeah so the prostate um
24:17it's a small gland that sits just behind the shout out to jane the divorce is final
24:23she's back on the pill b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bill
24:30okay yeah okay suppose um well your diet is very important don't forget monday's a bank holiday
24:36four day week four day week what diet is something just put his dog down pray us up for the
24:44poodle
24:46diet is something east and south and west statistically around 55 000 new cases
24:56okay i was just trying to say just before just there with the diet is a good way to minimize
25:00your risk reducing red meat is sensible you should think about swapping it out with an oily fish
25:05perhaps a salmon or mackerel hey yo pick up the north sea come on
25:09i'm sorry um could we stop please i'm sorry can we just stop what's what's up big man
25:14well is there any way you could just stop the music just for like a minute because this is
25:19sorry god this is ogfm all 90s music all the time literally all the time yes my sister if you've
25:25got something important to say you gotta ride the beat what do you mean ride the beat
25:29medical freestyle off the dome seriously yeah i spent some wisdom dr rishi yeah tell the people
25:37what they gotta know hippocratic oath okay okay fine fine yeah okay um prostate prostate check it
25:50before it's too late early detection is vital for your survival all right turn my headphones up
26:05up a bit more yeah don't hide away get your psa the blood test is best so don't delay
26:10no joking stop smoking i'm thinking less drinking check your bmi if the number's high then we'll make
26:16a plan get your number right if you're over 50 got a family history and the flow is weak
26:20and see your gp or my g's in the back who are black your risk is higher that's a fact
26:25don't be brave don't act like a trooper if you've got p's don't wait for the future
26:28just call booper hop in a uber reach your id happy birthday to ya
26:32and if there's blood in your p call one one one
26:35dr rishi day to dr rishi dada dr jesus
26:45yes yes say with a knife
26:48with the adviser dr rishi in the house
26:50G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g brick
27:08Ladies and gents, it's Kasabian
27:26As she goes, it's me again alone
27:31I can't stop her voice
27:37Now it's you and me
27:40And I am lost for words
27:43I just keep on falling
27:47Watch me go
27:49I'm praying
27:53Pretending
27:57Oh, baby
27:59Blow
28:01Now it's all for me
28:04So when you're
28:06You can dance again, dance again
28:11You can dance again, dance again
28:23Watch me as I go
28:26I live and make believe
28:28Hang on, here's me a call
28:34Where do you hide if you don't know who you are
28:37But you love it and you're not the same
28:41So don't fear it now
28:44Watch me go
28:46I'm a great pretender
28:53I'm a great pretender
28:54Yeah, yeah
28:55Baby
28:56I know
28:57Now it's time for me to surrender
29:04You can dance again, dance again
29:07You can dance again, dance again
29:13You can dance again, dance again
30:19Weekend Update with Anja Magliano and Paddy Young.
30:31Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update.
30:35Hey, I'm Paddy Young.
30:36And I'm Anja Magliano.
30:41The war between Iran and the U.S. has entered its second month.
30:45Second month?
30:47Oh, it's starting to get serious.
30:50This week, a U.S. airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.
30:55Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior U.S. military official said,
31:01Oh, my God, we're so sorry.
31:03We thought it was a school.
31:10President Trump has criticised the U.K.'s Navy for being, quote, too old.
31:15Too old for Donald Trump?
31:17What is it?
31:1818.
31:21Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral said,
31:26I'm going to go there and give him a piece of my mind, just as soon as the wind picks
31:29up.
31:32It's true.
31:33The U.K. only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.
31:39Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years,
31:45referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled.
31:49Well, they think they've quadrupled.
31:50They actually look fine.
31:57It's been revealed that meta-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg
32:00is building a bunker under his compound in California.
32:04And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.
32:15In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC.
32:19This, after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive
32:23and found over 100 terabytes of decent music.
32:28In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island
32:32has taken the internet by storm.
32:35It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:37The contestants are AI-generated fruit.
32:40Yes, this is genuinely a real thing
32:43that millions of people are tuning into every day.
32:46Here to comment on this viral sensation
32:48is random, former, real Love Island contestant,
32:51Chloe Bibby Wrinkle.
32:53Oh, my God!
32:55No!
32:56No, it's so muggy.
32:58AI has nicked my job.
33:00It's taken me, a human, professional lady,
33:04years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bedsheet.
33:08Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.
33:13Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:16Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs
33:18to quell the flow of my tears.
33:20It's giving Kleenex.
33:24Which series were you in?
33:25Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters,
33:28the villa in Djibouti.
33:31And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:34Oh, my God, it's amazing.
33:35So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.
33:40Then imagine there's a pool, but none of us like to swim.
33:43Then imagine the memory of UK Garage.
33:46Then imagine getting a text.
33:47It was like that.
33:50And did you find love in the villa?
33:52Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Dee.
33:54But get this, week after we left,
33:56I found out he was, in fact, a mirage due to my heat stroke.
34:01Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?
34:07I'm torn off mirages now.
34:09Big dicks, though.
34:12Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit.
34:15Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.
34:17Yeah, I'm moving spooky.
34:19I'm moving spooky.
34:22Because, like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.
34:27Of course I would.
34:28But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain.
34:32Like it or lump it.
34:34If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato,
34:38then so be it.
34:39A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.
34:41It is a fruit.
34:42Right, OK, I'm holding you.
34:43I'm holding you.
34:45It's not worth it.
34:46It's not worth it.
34:46Love the island contestant.
34:48It's a fruit, everybody.
34:55It's Easter.
34:58That's right.
34:59The time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian we're allowed to talk about.
35:12And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.
35:20Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box,
35:26has been unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six-day strike.
35:31So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call, what goes up your butt will stay up your butt
35:37for the best part of a week.
35:39And it will be the best part.
35:43According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last week, Tiger Woods had two
35:48opioid pills in his pocket.
35:50Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.
35:56The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon.
36:02And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon, that's where the bum is.
36:09Inspired by the success of Artemis 2, Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon.
36:15And it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.
36:20In lighter news this week, an adorable little door mouse was found dozing in an old helium balloon caught in
36:27a tree in Essex.
36:28Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little door mouse.
36:36Hi, guys. I'm adorable to be here.
36:39Oh, you're so cute. It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little door mouse.
36:46Oh, cool. Look at all these big scary cameras.
36:49Oh, it's okay. Don't be intimidated.
36:51Okay, camera three, where you at? Camera three, where you at?
36:54Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?
36:57Hey, Vogue. I'm an adorable little door mouse.
37:00And this is what's in my bag.
37:04Okay, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear as a hat.
37:11And next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without my Aesop hyaluronic face misdefence barrier.
37:17Shout out to Aesop.
37:20And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's hot sauce.
37:26Sorry, are you just making content?
37:29I'm an influencer, Anya.
37:30My adorable story is blowing up and it's my time to shine.
37:34I'm only going to live for four years, Anya, and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.
37:38I've got to grab my moment.
37:41And that's why, over the course of this answer, I've already moved on from being an influencer
37:46to being a red carpet reporter.
37:49Anya, Anya, hey, girl, we're here with Vershke jeans.
37:51What are you wearing, girl? Tell me what you're wearing.
37:53Don't tell me it's the boys with character collection from Georgia Asda.
37:56You look amazing, Anya, girl.
37:58You hungry, girl?
38:00And my subway take, I think that...
38:04I think that raspberries are nice.
38:07Anya, anya, anya, anya, anya, anya, anya, anya.
38:08Oh, wow.
38:10He's so cute.
38:11You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an unbelievable rate.
38:15Welcome back to Off Door Mice and Man, where I'm talking with my guest, Anya Magliano,
38:23about me being adorable.
38:25Oh, you've got a podcast now.
38:27Being adorable was always my superpower, you know?
38:31Suddenly, I realised that people wanted me to be adorable all the time
38:35and I could never be off.
38:37Sorry.
38:37Sorry.
38:41But now, my listeners can get help to switch off
38:44thanks to our sponsor, Dignitas.
38:48Dignitas?
38:49Is that bad?
38:49Sorry, please don't cancel me.
38:51Oh!
38:53We could never cancel you, adorable little door mouse.
38:56Well, wait and see.
38:57I have invested my money in some weird things.
39:00Ah!
39:01Adorable little door mouse, everybody!
39:11Five Met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was accidentally left on the street
39:18in London.
39:19I feel sorry for the police.
39:21Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you forget where you left your bloody machine gun.
39:29The government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions and unwanted auto renewals.
39:35Good news for me, bad news for Dr. Chubb's penis pump emporium, whose platinum club is about to lose a
39:42member.
39:45A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without fertilization for the second time.
39:53Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God keeps bonking this steak?
40:01A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up residence in Surrey, has reportedly learned to knock on doors with
40:07his beak.
40:08Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighbourhood that he's a registered sex offender.
40:16According to a new report from the Department of Education, children under five should have no more than one hour
40:21of screen time per day
40:22to help improve physical health and family relationships.
40:26To discuss the impact this might have on parenting, here's a father and son who still do skin on skin.
40:48Thank you for having us.
40:51No problem.
40:53No problem.
40:53Now, let's talk about screen time.
40:56Oh, it's a scourge.
40:58It breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see all families glued to their phones.
41:06Nobody looking at the pork.
41:10Why can't everyone just be normal?
41:14Yeah, my boys never looked at a screen.
41:19And look at you.
41:22He's thriving.
41:24Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond.
41:27Is that because you're screen free?
41:29Yeah, I don't need an iPad.
41:30I can just pad this chest until the happy hormones start g-g-g-g-g-gushing.
41:38Why are you still doing this?
41:40Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can.
41:45It was great when I were a baby, but it's better now I'm 32.
41:49And it's nice to know if things are stressful at work, but I can get home and get right on
41:54to Dad.
41:57How does it reduce stress?
41:59In many, many ways.
42:01Regulates the heart rate, slows the breathing, helps with the breastfeeding.
42:08Breastfeeding?
42:09Men have got the glands as well.
42:11It just takes discipline, Paddy.
42:14Nobody has discipline these days.
42:16Are you smelling his head?
42:21Yeah.
42:23That's the best bit.
42:24You know that new, new, you know that newborn baby smell?
42:32Well, it's that, but older.
42:36This is unconventional, but I have to say you guys seem really happy.
42:41There's always room for one more, Paddy.
42:44Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a cousin on here.
42:48Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad.
42:50Don't be a stranger.
42:52Thank you, father and son who still do skin on skin.
42:55Let me get in here.
42:57So we can love it.
42:58I'm Paddy Young.
42:59I'm Paddy Magdalena.
43:00Good night.
43:01No, no, no, no.
43:02Good night.
43:20Good night.
43:37Good evening.
43:39We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge to conceive
43:44a work of Gothic horror that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:51Tonight, three authors present their works.
43:55Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorn, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:07Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:10Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood of the living.
44:16I call it Nosferatu.
44:23Quite horrifying.
44:25Mr. Blackthorn.
44:27In my hands, the tail of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:34I give you The Wolfman.
44:40And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:43Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:50I give you The Bastard Seagull.
45:02Okay.
45:04Okay.
45:04Okay.
45:05Okay.
45:07Um, sorry.
45:08I'm confused.
45:10Is this like an evil seagull?
45:12It won't bloody leave!
45:14The Bastard!
45:16Okay.
45:18Not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:21Perhaps now, let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:24The reading, gentlemen.
45:30It was dawn, at fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world.
45:38The man awoke with a start to find the seagull very close.
45:46But a pubes length from his face.
45:51He screamed, hee-haw!
45:54But the bastard didn't give one single toss.
46:03Okay, let's move on.
46:04Mr. Blackthorn.
46:05Sorry.
46:06Um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:09It keeps coming in the window.
46:12But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:14It's stuck. It's like one of those old sash windows, and it's totally jammed.
46:23Sorry, is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:27No, not all of it. Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.
46:33Sir Humphrey, may I remind you this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:38This is clearly a household maintenance issue. Yes, Mr Blackthorn.
46:42Thank you. Why can't he just fix the window?
46:45He's tried. Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.
46:52Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:55Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard friends.
46:59Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
47:03For God's sake, please can we move on to one of the other books? Yes, you, sir.
47:08Uh, hi. Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:14Yeah, what? He got an owl.
47:17And it's only made it worse.
47:20Because the seagulls didn't leave.
47:23And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:25And it keeps vomiting dissolved field mice down his throat.
47:30Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
47:32And now tell me about it.
47:33Yeah.
47:34And the whole room stinks.
47:37And now there's a badger.
47:39Stop, sir. Stop.
47:42Stop.
47:43You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears.
47:46But this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you because you can't close your window.
47:51How dare you, sir?
47:54A bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
47:59There is nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:04Who are you?
48:05Who are you?
48:06Who are you?
48:07Who are you?
48:10Who are you?
48:11Who are you?
48:13Who are you?
48:15Who are you?
48:18Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Casabria.
48:31We arrived at the same place
48:38Kept the tide by the lights upon your face
48:46Body's moving, the floor's shaking
48:53Eyes wide open, now we can both escape
49:02Now we're finally here together
49:05See if you release the pressure
49:08Keep it through the stormy weather
49:13Release the pressure, release the pressure, release the pressure
49:20Release the pressure, release the pressure, release the pressure
49:43We arrived at the same place
49:51Kept the tide by the lights upon your face
49:58We were so far from home, lies down a rabbit hole
50:02No one's to save our soul, about to lose control
50:06We were so far from home, lies down a rabbit hole
50:10No one's to save our soul, about to lose control
50:17Get your hands in the air
50:20On your three-piece sweets
50:28Now we're finally here together
50:32See if you release the pressure
50:35Keep it through the stormy weather
50:40Release the pressure, release the pressure, release the pressure
50:48I wanna sing the pressure
50:49Release the pressure
50:55I wanna sing, run, so
51:09I'm coming in, I'm coming in, yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo.
51:49Basically, I keep having nightmares that I'm going to leave my baby on the bus, which is weird because I
51:54never take the bus.
51:56Sasha, darling, you could leave your baby anywhere.
52:00Hi. Hi. Sorry we're late. Sorry. Hi.
52:04You must be Nick. Well, welcome.
52:06Oh, thank you. Look, before you meet my partner, I just wanted to give you a heads up.
52:10Big weekend coming up. A lot of big feelings.
52:16Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. No one look at me. I'm a house.
52:26Oh, my God. That's the Easter bunny.
52:29Oh, well, we'll do pickies later. Nick, give me a hand.
52:31Yeah, just give me a hand. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Don't drop me.
52:44We'll meet a couple here. Yeah, seriously. So nice.
52:46We meet a couple like you and it's like, yeah, they are the exact same thing as us.
52:52I don't know that exact same thing.
52:54So, Nick and Pascal, how are you feeling?
52:59Oh, gosh. I mean, all the normal stuff, I think, right? Nervous, excited.
53:03Yeah, yeah. Really stressed about pushing all 82 million of them out.
53:11Oh, but hey, what are people supposed to do?
53:14Not have Easter eggs.
53:17Oh, my God.
53:18You give birth to Easter eggs?
53:20No, he does.
53:25I assume...
53:27Gosh, sorry. I suddenly feel a bit sick.
53:29I assume Easter eggs were all made in factories.
53:33Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history, my love.
53:38Somehow I don't think it's a queer thing.
53:40Well, what is it then?
53:42I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me.
53:47No, please don't learn anything from this.
53:50Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing,
53:53carrying all those eggs and giving them away to people.
53:57Oh, thanks, doll.
53:57I mean, my body's shot.
53:59My nipples are so long, you could braid them.
54:02Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding.
54:05Yeah, braid my nipples.
54:07You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them.
54:10What?
54:13He thinks people raise the eggs as their children.
54:16Can we please not pull the curtain back on this?
54:18My ears are famously huge, Nick.
54:22You're not even covering up the holes.
54:24Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out.
54:26No, no, no, no.
54:27Is it true what he said, the foreign one?
54:31I'm Scottish.
54:33Babe, the eggs, they're chocolate.
54:39Nick, you're scaring me.
54:42Chocolate is food, Pascal.
54:44I can't shield you from this anymore.
54:46They eat the eggs because chocolate is food.
54:49But, but, hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy.
54:55They, they do?
54:57Yes.
54:57Yes, children.
54:59And adults who are too close to their parents.
55:02And people who win crap raffles in May.
55:06It gives so many people so much joy.
55:09I love you so much.
55:11I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us and I'm proud of you and proud of us.
55:17Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs come out of?
55:22How dare you?
55:26This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873.
55:33Crack house pit bulls lead better lives.
55:36You know what?
55:37You know what?
55:37I am wrung out like a flannel and you've done nothing but belittle me, him and our community
55:44since we've arrived.
55:46Boys, as an ally, I am mortified.
55:49Do you know what?
55:49Just save your apologies.
55:50He's due any minute and the birthing process is literally one of the scariest things you can possibly imagine.
55:56So we're leaving.
55:57Help me up, Nick.
55:58Help me up.
55:58Give me away, baby.
55:59Surrender to me.
55:59Don't drop me.
55:59Don't drop me.
55:59Surrender to me.
56:00Okay.
56:01Okay.
56:01Get the bags.
56:01Get the bags.
56:02Get the car ready.
56:04It's outrageous.
56:05I don't know why we even bother.
56:11And they come out the back.
56:13Oh.
56:28Make some noise.
56:31My biggest thanks to Kasabian.
56:33And a huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone working on tonight's show for making
56:39this such an unforgettable week.
56:40Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning up.
56:43And good night.
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