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00:06In New York City's storied underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:12Audio! Yeah, we do sound a little bit weird.
00:16How is that a pun?
00:18O-D-D-I-O.
00:20Oh!
00:21Our mission? To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:26Our secondary mission? To put on a big talent show and save the town!
00:31In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will gather and face off against each other and the political establishment.
00:38Their goal? To win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it and an invitation to our
00:44World Championship season finale.
00:46But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:50This is the fight of our lives. This is the future we've been waiting for!
00:56This is Abolish Everything!
01:08Tonight's abolitionists...
01:10Martin Urbano, Brian McManus, Chloe Radcliffe, and Demia DiGiwebe.
01:26Thank you all so much for watching Abolish Everything. I'm your host, Chandler D.
01:32Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce the political establishment.
01:40Who?
01:42Zach Schiffman.
01:44Who?
01:45Brielle Demergen.
01:47Who?
01:48Kira O'Sullivan.
01:50Who?
01:51And Chief Justice of the political establishment, Andy Vega.
01:54Who?
01:57Look at these people. Born to be orientation leaders, forced to be on this show.
02:04I'm out of competition, but I will be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:07Are you ready to Abolish Everything?
02:11And without further ado, my time starts now.
02:14My friends, I cherish this platform.
02:17I recognize what an immense privilege it is that episode after episode, I get to shine a spotlight on a
02:25systemic injustice of profound import.
02:27We need to abolish those really long trough-style urinals.
02:36One wiener, one drain.
02:39Now, if you haven't used a men's restroom, you might have questions.
02:44Questions like, what?
02:48Let me explain.
02:49Most urinals look something like this.
02:52Elegant, bespoke, secluded.
02:56I'm talking about abolishing urinals that look like this.
03:02Designed for as many little piggies as can squeeze around the perimeter.
03:08This wretched contraption brings a whole new meaning to standing shoulder to shoulder with your fellow man.
03:18By the way, you know where I got these pictures?
03:21The perfect website for abolishing trough urinals?
03:24Unsplash.
03:26This brings me to my first, and some would say only, point.
03:29I do not want to be that close to other people's pee-pee or pee-pees.
03:36And I'm not the only one.
03:38Men have developed a sophisticated yet widely understood urinal etiquette based on this philosophy.
03:45This was recently confirmed by a landmark survey, a.k.a.
03:49My wife showing me a TikTok filter where you have to pick the correct urinal to pee in.
03:57Gentlemen, feel free to shout out the numeric answers if you know them.
04:02Seven.
04:05Seven.
04:06Seven.
04:07Seven.
04:08Seven.
04:09Seven.
04:11What is seven?
04:12Seven.
04:13Four.
04:14Wow.
04:14Why the middle?
04:16You are standing next to the least dudes.
04:20Now, based on that video and the alarmingly universal response from the fellas, you might
04:27be wondering, Chandler, what is wrong with all of you?
04:31There is a term for it.
04:33It's pararesis, otherwise known as shy bladder syndrome, otherwise known as being normal.
04:42I have trough urinal trauma.
04:45My friends, let me take you to the boys' bathroom at Parker Elementary in Houston, Texas.
04:51In a storytelling sense, I'm not suggesting we all go there now.
04:56It's 2002, a post-9-11 world, and yet they still have trough-style urinals.
05:04My classmates and I line up side-by-side with our little booties-exposed-butter style.
05:10And ladies, every man you know has peed like this.
05:13It's just a matter of when and if they stopped.
05:18Anyway, as I'm doing my business, my kindergarten bully runs up behind me, wraps his arms around
05:24my stomach, and lifts me up mid-stream.
05:28And I do not yet have the motor skills to pause the events in progress.
05:34You ever seen a loose water hose operating at full blast?
05:39Since then, I have never felt fully at ease in a men's restroom.
05:43If we all had individual urinals, maybe my bully wouldn't have felt emboldened to invade
05:49my personal space.
05:50I lost touch with that kid a long time ago, but wherever he is...
06:03I hope he's in a better place than I am.
06:06Abolish those really long trough-style urinals.
06:08I yield my time.
06:13The political establishment will now have the opportunity to rebut me, and their time
06:17starts now.
06:19Chandler, are you familiar with the concept of a third space?
06:24Certainly.
06:25A trough-like urinal is a mechanism to provide conversation.
06:30So I can break out of the male loneliness epidemic, stand side by side next to a possible new
06:38friend, and compare bizarre penises.
06:42Why would you take that from me and all of my fellow people?
06:47It is my belief that the fact that people like you exist in men's restrooms, that is
06:51causing the men's loneliness epidemic.
06:55Because I'm like, I do not want to spend any time with any of these guys.
07:00No, no, Chandler, mine's weird too.
07:04We could get along.
07:06Chandler, this is so misogynistic, and I'd like for you to own that in this moment, because
07:12the bathroom is actually a fantastic bonding place for women.
07:16Whether it be in the bar bathroom...
07:17Thank you, my bitch!
07:18Yes!
07:19Whether it be in the bar bathroom or club bathroom, that's where you can bond and complain
07:23and cry, redo makeup, right?
07:25You take care of each other, you give each other tampons, it's a really wonderful primal
07:28way to bond.
07:28Or, growing up with sisters, we shared the bathroom openly.
07:31If you are on the toilet, the door is open and we're having deep conversations.
07:35And I feel like this comes down to men's hatred of women's ability to communicate and
07:39be emotionally open in a way that they are afraid of, because it also, also, also, Chandler,
07:44can I say, comes down to homophobia.
07:46So I'm so glad you got me there.
07:47Thank you so much, Chandler.
07:48But was y'all all peered in the same hole, though?
07:52I wish!
07:54No, you don't!
07:55Oh, I do!
07:56No, you don't!
07:57And since we didn't have that option, we certainly made a nice little stew in that toilet, and
08:01we'd talk about what we put into that toilet.
08:02I have peed on top of my sister's period blood, and I fucking love that about myself.
08:06By definition, this does not impact the users of women's restrooms.
08:11I want to take this personal.
08:13There is a condition where they do a bad job at your bris.
08:17And I may know someone who this happened to, where as a young child, as a developing young
08:24child, the piss goes a few ways.
08:28The trough-style urinal makes it so that nothing is ever getting on the ground, because there's
08:33so much surface area for the piss to go into.
08:36I have an amazing invention called the toilet that is already in the bathroom, that you
08:42can use, that has a nice 360 degree landing space.
08:48You do not know what it's like.
08:50It goes three- you know, remember those COVID pictures with everything spitting?
08:53That was my piss as a kid.
08:55So you are disrespecting my lived ex- not mine, my friend's lived experience.
09:01Fair.
09:02Chandler, I'd like to invite you to go on a journey with me.
09:06Please.
09:06To the West Palm Beach Zoo in Florida.
09:09Now, at the West Palm Beach Zoo, from time to time in Florida, there is inclement weather
09:15such as a hurricane.
09:16In that situation, the bathroom is reimagined as a safe space for the animals to go to survive
09:23the hurricane.
09:24And the trough-style urinals are reallocated as baths for the birds.
09:29Are you suggesting that you want birds to suffer at the West Palm Beach Zoo in event of
09:36a hurricane?
09:36Reimagine a world where trough-style urinals aren't for piss, they're for ducks.
09:41Now, I'm willing to admit that in crafting this presentation, I did not consider the consequences
09:48for birds in West Palm Beach.
09:50However, I will say that after just an instant of thought-
09:54However what?
09:55However, after just an instant of thought, they would each have their own little birdbath
10:01if there were a bunch of urinals in there.
10:06Yes.
10:07And that's time!
10:11Are you ready for your first abolitionist of the night?
10:17Our next abolitionist has performed on Jimmy Kimmel, written for The Tonight Show, and can
10:21be seen on the Hulu series This Fool.
10:23Please welcome Martin Urbano.
10:32Martin Urbano.
10:34Before I start, I want to say, for the things we are supposed to abolish, I was told by the
10:41production team that, quote, abolishing something like fascism doesn't play.
10:48Which sounds like something a fascist would say.
10:53Anyway, here's my presentation.
10:57People are going to the movies less than ever.
11:00It's gotten so hard for movie studios to predict what audiences even want to see.
11:05I mean, for Christ's sake, why aren't people going to see any of these franchises starring
11:11Jared Leto?
11:13I couldn't afford a picture of Jared Leto, so I gotta use this blurred one.
11:19The man literally won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor 11 years ago.
11:24Need I say one more fact about him?
11:27But anyway, this presentation is not about Jared Leto.
11:31No.
11:32This presentation is about abolishing the AMC Laser, Coca-Cola, and Nicole Kidman ads.
11:46Now, not to brag, but I'm an A-lister.
11:50Like...
11:52Like Jared Leto.
11:55But specifically, I am an AMC A-lister.
11:59AMC A-list pays for itself in two movies.
12:02To get my bang for my buck, I'm trying to watch an average of four movies a month.
12:08And every one of those movies have the AMC Laser, Coca-Cola, and Nicole Kidman ads right
12:14before the movie starts.
12:15That's three minutes every time.
12:17Three full minutes.
12:19Almost enough time to go and take a piss.
12:21But not the way I do it.
12:26I crunched the numbers, and over the past year, I've seen these same three ads for a total
12:31of two and a half hours.
12:36That is a full extra movie a year.
12:40And by the way, what happened to 90-minute movies?
12:44It's like, we get it, Schindler.
12:46You had a list.
12:51But my problem is that the AMC Laser, Coca-Cola, and Nicole Kidman ads have been playing for
12:57years unchanged.
12:58To the point that I know every single word, every single sound, every single frame.
13:02I see this, and I know I'm about to hear about fucking laser technology again.
13:08Who cares about laser technology?
13:12Okay, Dr. Evil.
13:16Then after the laser ad, it's the Coca-Cola ad.
13:19A bland corporate piece of marketing.
13:21So in a lot of ways, it fits right at home in the modern movie landscape.
13:25But my problem is that Coca-Cola has so much money, and yet refuses to make a new, bland
13:32corporate piece of marketing.
13:34Apparently, we are only two years deep into this five-year ad spot.
13:40Unless we speak up now.
13:43I say we boycott Coca-Cola until they change their ad.
13:47Because this is the worst thing they've ever done, if you don't look into it too hard.
13:54And then there's the Nicole Kidman ad.
13:59Where she's promoting watching movies at AMC.
14:03A place I'm already at, and a thing I'm already doing.
14:08All of these ads need to be changed a minimum of every month.
14:14I'm being punished for watching a lot of movies.
14:17Time and time again, I have to sit there for three minutes and just take this bland, boring
14:22junk.
14:23Now I know how my girlfriend feels when we have sex.
14:29In conclusion, AMC hates the frequent movie watcher.
14:35AMC hates the movie-going experience.
14:37AMC and Coca-Cola are greedily choosing short-term profits over a sustainable movie industry.
14:43And it's up to all of us to say no.
14:46No more shit being shoveled down our throats.
14:49Until things change, the only thing going down our throats are snacks we sneak into the theater
14:55and Pepsi.
15:06If we strip the Nicole Kidman ad from the movies, then she will go back to wearing wigs
15:12and doing American accents.
15:13We can't have that.
15:15She's making money.
15:16She's employed this way.
15:18We can't have Coca-Cola making new flavors again.
15:20Remember how that went?
15:21I wasn't alive, but I assume it was bad.
15:24I want to address the Nicole Kidman point.
15:26I think she should make more ads.
15:28We love Nicole Kidman.
15:29I want to see her do different things, watch different movies.
15:32You know, let her take a kid to the theater.
15:35It doesn't even have to be her kid.
15:36Just watching a movie with a kid.
15:39That's what I really want to see.
15:43Let's get her agent on the line.
15:45Martin, you make a good point that Coca-Cola has so much money, right?
15:49I find it abhorrent, though, that you want them to put that money into more advertising
15:53rather than donating that to needy charities and people who are in more need of that money
15:58than advertisements for Coca-Cola, already a monopoly of a company in America, that you
16:03would think that their money is more valuable in selling us more stuff rather than giving
16:07it to people who need it more?
16:08I personally don't think Coca-Cola is doing that with the money.
16:14I think they're doing other stuff with their money.
16:16But in a lot of ways, I think the actors who would be doing these commercials and the
16:21crew, I think they're kind of needy, too.
16:24You know, like they need to work more.
16:26You can give the money to more working actors.
16:28So a movie is wonderful.
16:29You've already paid for it.
16:31But you just have this one ad that's great.
16:32The comfort of Nicole Kidman coming into the screen.
16:35We all cheer.
16:35We agree on nothing anymore.
16:37But in that movie theater, we all cheer when Nicole Kidman comes in.
16:41That is a bonding moment.
16:42And you want to take that away?
16:43There's a number of reasons that this should just stay the way it is.
16:46It's a comfort.
16:47It's wonderful.
16:48And Coca-Cola can give their money to people who need it.
16:50Not Nicole Kidman, although she is about to go through a really horrible divorce.
16:55She has the time.
16:58She has the child.
17:02I personally don't feel comfort when I see that I see a blinding rage.
17:06And I suppose that's agree to disagree.
17:08I have a question for you.
17:10Okay.
17:10Sounds like you go to the movie a lot, right?
17:13Yes.
17:13Why haven't you figured out what time the movie actually starts?
17:18Oh.
17:18Oh.
17:19Oh.
17:22I would love to know when the movie actually fucking starts.
17:28I would love to know that.
17:32AMC just started putting this thing that says,
17:34movie starts about 25 to 30 minutes after the start time.
17:37Well, then that's the fucking start time, AMC.
17:39It seems like that's your real problem.
17:42You're blaming Nicole Kidman, a woman,
17:47when your real problem is with the start time.
17:50And can I say, do you know what those 25 to 30 minutes are for?
17:54Do you know who the most integral person in the movie theater audience is?
18:00Me.
18:01Horny Christian middle schooler who's not allowed to kiss at home.
18:06They use those 25 to 30 minutes to do over-the-pants handjobs with one another.
18:12And if you like that, on the count of three, say, yay!
18:16One, two, three.
18:18Hooray.
18:21Not one of them on you.
18:23Way less than a thought.
18:24Do you not want them to touch each other?
18:26This is a tricky topic to handle.
18:30And so I will abstain.
18:33That's what they're supposed to do, but they choose not to.
18:40Martin, I've just been wrapping my head around the idea that you know you have three minutes to go pee,
18:47but you claim that that isn't enough because of the way that you do it.
18:53The way that you pee every time takes more than three minutes.
19:00And look, I struggle in the bathroom for a variety of reasons.
19:05Name them.
19:05Well, our next abolitionist is the creator and producer of Real Engineering, which you can watch right here on Nebula.
19:17And tonight is his stand-up comedy debut.
19:21So please, give it up for the one, the only, Brian McManus!
19:34If you've actually no idea who I am, and you're wondering why I'm up here,
19:39I make extremely serious videos on your favorite streaming platform that starts with an N-E.
19:46Nebula!
19:48And I know what you're thinking.
19:49Why did they pick the engineering guy to do a comedy routine?
19:53The extent of my comedy experience is sitting next to Ben Doyle on a train in France for three days.
20:03I really shouldn't be up here.
20:05And I've been feeling all of this anxiety and shame leading up to this feeling like I just don't deserve
20:13this opportunity to be on Chandler's amazing show, Abolish Everything.
20:18But then I started thinking about it.
20:20And unremarkable men succeed all the time.
20:26So why am I feeling all this guilt?
20:29And then I realized what I needed to do.
20:31Abolish Catholic shame.
20:40I know what you're thinking.
20:47We have a lot of things to be ashamed about.
20:50And I'm on your side.
20:52This man directed The Passion of the Christ, a movie that is basically a two-hour snuff film.
20:58This was mandatory viewing for me in secondary school.
21:04Catholic shame is just unavoidable in Ireland.
21:07It's literally piped straight into our houses.
21:09So I'm bringing you to Exhibit A, The Angelus.
21:12And I know most of you don't have a clue what this is.
21:14So I'm going to play it for you.
21:16And this place, every single day at 6 p.m. on primetime TV in Ireland.
21:25They've made it more diverse now.
21:27It used to all be white people.
21:28It's great.
21:30And it's basically just a one-minute montage of people questioning their life decisions
21:36as the bell of God reminds them of his presence.
21:43It's coming up to my favorite bit now.
21:46This guy just reminds me of myself when I was a kid.
21:52That's a thousand yards there of a lad that just discovered what wankin' is.
21:58And this is me.
21:59This was my final year in secondary school.
22:01I was about to go to college here.
22:02I hit puberty extremely late.
22:05All the lads were doing this trendy new hand gesture.
22:08I just, I had to get in on it.
22:10I didn't know what it meant.
22:11But I just had to get in on it.
22:13So I was walking down the hallway in my secondary school.
22:17I was 12 or something.
22:19And I locked eyes with my history teacher.
22:22And he squints at me because he knows I'm a fucking bollocks.
22:26He didn't know what I was going to do this time.
22:28I don't think I knew what I was going to do this time.
22:29I locked eyes with him and smiled.
22:31And threw him the old wankin' toss.
22:38And this was me like a year later.
22:40I was like, ah, shit.
22:44And I haven't told anyone that before because of Catholic shame.
22:48And that's a shame.
22:50And look.
22:55And look.
22:56Catholic shame is everywhere in Irish society.
22:58This is our cigarette packets.
23:00This was a car safety ad that played during the day.
23:02I saw this as a child.
23:03They squish.
23:0515 children.
23:07And it hits them hard.
23:08They did it a fucking second time.
23:11This is just Irish society.
23:13Shame just follows us everywhere.
23:15And like, what good does it do it?
23:16We're known as the most unhinged white people in the fucking world.
23:20Shame just makes us do fucking crazy things.
23:23Isn't that right, Andy?
23:25Sorry?
23:27So, I have to explain something first.
23:30Arthur's Day was a day invented by Guinness when I was in college.
23:33It's basically St. Patrick's Day 2.0.
23:36So what do you think the Irish people did with it?
23:41This is a group of people cheering on a man playing another man's ding-dong as a guitar.
23:48This was supposed to be a day of celebration of our national drink.
23:51And we as a society cheered this on.
23:55We are fucking lunatics.
23:56And it's Catholic shame's fault.
23:58And I think we should abolish it.
24:08I just have one thought, which is, I might argue that the one naked man playing the other
24:14naked man's ding-dong didn't have enough shame.
24:20I knew this point would come up.
24:22And I agree.
24:26Like, I think it's a reaction to the shame we feel our entire lives.
24:32You know, when people tell you you can't do something.
24:34Right.
24:34When someone tells you you can't play another naked man's ding-dong like a guitar.
24:38I've always wanted to do it.
24:43Is that what this whole presentation is for?
24:47I don't think that's relevant.
24:49Brian, here's my fear.
24:51I think we can all agree Catholicism is, like, the horniest branch of Christianity.
24:55Hear me out.
24:57Thank you, girl.
24:59Catholics are, like, obsessed with Jesus' chiseled abs.
25:03And it's bloody.
25:04And he's wet.
25:05And it's, like, so masochistic.
25:08And it's incredibly surrounded by the idea of taboo, right?
25:12Which is the hottest thing ever.
25:14That's why, like, incest porn is so popular.
25:16Andy.
25:17And so the idea, if you eliminate the shame part of it, confession is all about shame.
25:23You're in a box.
25:24And this man tells you you've been bad.
25:26And you're like, oh, my God, will you ever forgive me?
25:29It's like, only if you, like, hurt yourself.
25:30That is so rooted in Catholic shame.
25:33That's the selling point of Catholicism.
25:36Have we all seen the Boondock Saints?
25:37Uh, hello.
25:38Hottest movie ever.
25:39That's all Catholic shame.
25:40I was going to make that point.
25:42It's like, you want to keep Catholicism sexy, is what I'm hearing.
25:45Yeah.
25:46Hmm.
25:47Yeah.
25:48I don't know if I trust them with that.
25:53That's fair.
25:54I think it's already, this is in itself abolishing Catholicism.
25:59Are you willing to do that to your country?
26:01I'm not abolishing Catholicism.
26:02I'm saying I think you are.
26:04Oh, no.
26:05Oh, no.
26:05Okay, well, then that's that.
26:08So I'm going to admit that I'm coming from a sort of uneducated place here.
26:12I didn't know that being Jewish was a minority until I was, like, 15.
26:17And I found out about Catholicism when I saw the movie Spotlight with Rachel McAdams.
26:22So that's sort of my touch point here.
26:25But I actually don't believe Catholic shame even exists.
26:29I feel like you're really diminishing my existence right now.
26:33Oh, it's Catholic gaslighting.
26:34Oh, yeah.
26:35That's time.
26:39Our next abolitionist is the brilliant mind behind the acclaimed solo show Cheat,
26:44has written for The Tonight Show, and can be seen in Bradley Cooper's latest film,
26:48Is This Thing On?
26:49Let's hear it for Chloe Radcliffe.
26:58Yeah.
26:59Clap for me.
27:01Hello, everybody.
27:02My name is Chloe Radcliffe, and I am, unfortunately, a straight lady.
27:09I move to abolish inviting straight women to gay bars.
27:19I hate gay bars.
27:24Is she about to commit a hate crime?
27:26We're going to find out.
27:28No.
27:29The reason that I hate gay bars is because at a gay bar, nobody wants to fuck me, and why
27:36else would I drink?
27:40And yes, I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am in a very happy, very monogamous relationship
27:46with.
27:46That doesn't matter.
27:48That doesn't matter.
27:49That's my night.
27:51If I go out, my night is good if a man is disappointed to find out that I have a
27:57boyfriend.
27:58And at a gay bar, those men are disappointed to find out that my boyfriend has me.
28:06I'm serious.
28:07The only reason to go out for the night is to feel a little fuckable.
28:11Hence all of our bathroom selfies.
28:13I'm not...
28:14That's the only reason that we go out.
28:15I'm not taking amphetamines because I'm sleepy.
28:20I'm not wearing a strapless bra because I think it's neat when my boobs start halfway down my ribs.
28:26I'm not taking tequila shots because I'm like, yum, nail polish and tears.
28:32I am doing all of those things to indicate to potential suitors that my decision-making faculties are weak and
28:39getting weaker.
28:43I believe that even if you are in the most faithful, most monogamous group at the Buffalo Wild Wings, you
28:50go out.
28:51If you are going out drinking for the night, you are going out open to receiving a counteroffer.
28:56Okay?
28:59You want to come home at the end of the night and be like, babe, we got some bids on
29:03the table.
29:05And yours came in first, and there is a loyalty element to that.
29:08But at this point, I am looking for best and final.
29:12There is one straight girl per group of gays.
29:15That's the ration.
29:16And eventually, eventually, the groups of gays join with another group of gays.
29:21And then there are two straight girls who don't know each other, but we just get paired together as playdates.
29:26And I'm not looking for a new friend, you know?
29:30But the vibe is just like, what do you like?
29:32Life hacks?
29:32eBay?
29:33You'll figure out something to talk about.
29:35And this is the closest that I will ever come to knowing what it's like to being a boyfriend.
29:39But the pro...
29:41I understand that this is how we treat you.
29:43I know.
29:44But it shouldn't be how I get treated.
29:46The only reason that I, a straight girl who did so much musical theater in high school,
29:52am friends with a group of gays is because in high school, nobody wanted to fuck any of us.
29:58And now, I'm at the gay bar, and the gays are having the time of their lives.
30:02And me?
30:03I'm just at a place where nobody wants to fuck me again?
30:05I'm reliving my trauma?
30:09The gays are having a great time.
30:12Not me, man.
30:13I'm a thousand miles away.
30:18I'm in Pryor Lake, Minnesota, remembering how I had to bring gay David to every homecoming and snowball dance.
30:28At the time, he was straight Dave.
30:34For the record, David went to a different high school.
30:37I lived the meme of, yeah, I'm bringing a date.
30:40He's really hot, but you wouldn't know him.
30:42He goes to a different high school.
30:43It was only true because he did not know himself.
30:46He was a figure skater.
30:49There were signs.
30:52Here is us kissing on New Year's because we didn't have anyone else to kiss.
30:55Anyway.
30:57Also, the gays don't want me there either.
30:59Okay?
31:00The gays are out there on the dance floor.
31:02They're getting slippery on each other.
31:03They are so covered in sweat and lube, they are rubbing around like chicken breasts in a marinade.
31:10They don't want me, a straight girl, sliding in between them being like, ooh, water-based.
31:15Anyway, happy pride.
31:17I'm not going.
31:23Chloe, you seem to be a competitive person.
31:28Yeah.
31:28Are you familiar with, I don't know, Lady Gaga?
31:31I've heard of her.
31:32Have you no interest in being stand?
31:34Entering these spaces and you don't want them to worship you?
31:37You don't think Lady Gaga's soaking wet at MSG when all these gay guys are soaking wet for her?
31:42I completely agree.
31:44I love, God, I love to be stand.
31:46Please stand me.
31:47Some of you are not standing me like it.
31:48But I've been to gay bars, I've dressed up, and they go, you look amazing.
31:52And it feels like a coach encouraging a JV player to, like, keep trying, you know?
31:58Where it's like, we know that there's no future here.
32:00And what's the second half to the movie?
32:02The JV player goes to the Olympics.
32:05Have you no sense of challenge?
32:07Stand in that circle and claim your fucking spot.
32:13But are the gays going to fuck me at the end of the night?
32:18No.
32:19If you're hot enough, maybe.
32:23And tonight, I'm soft.
32:27See?
32:28This is why I don't want to go.
32:30Try harder.
32:32Chloe, I'd like you to consider the possibility that you might be a sex addict.
32:39Absolutely.
32:40Because you believe that the only purpose of going to a bar is to get fucked.
32:45And as an alcoholic, I'm offended.
32:51Okay, secondly, I would like you to answer the following statement, true or false?
32:58True or false?
33:00A straight woman is a gay woman who doesn't know it yet.
33:04False.
33:05Okay.
33:07My rebuttal.
33:08Okay, I've talked about stuff like this on stage before, and every once in a while,
33:12I have a lady yelled out in the audience, be like, girl, you might be bi, girl, it sounds
33:16like you might be bi.
33:17And look, I hope not.
33:18I don't, I, I, I, I don't, no, no, no, I'm not saying, I'm saying.
33:22Wow.
33:25I lost, I lost the vote.
33:26Oh my God.
33:27I'm saying, I hope that I'm not wrong.
33:29I hope that it's not like their gaydar is amazing and I'm the, like, Lindsey Graham of
33:32this situation, right?
33:33I hope it's not, I hope I'm not, like, that deeply, maybe, maybe, I don't.
33:37No, you're right, because your gaydar in high school was very good.
33:41But here's the thing, I've tried kissing ladies, because you have to try, you have to,
33:45of course, I've tried, and every single time I kiss a woman, I spend the entire time being
33:49like, are there any men around to see how hot this is?
33:53Ugh, boo, that sucks, Chloe.
33:58Chloe, I gotta say, you do not like your boyfriend.
34:01Oh my God.
34:02Can I tell you one of, like, the best feelings being in a long-term monogamous relationship
34:07that I am currently in is the relief I felt.
34:10Now that whenever I go out, oh, it's so wonderful, I don't think about needing to be sexy for anyone
34:15other than him, and I'm going home with him, and we love each other, and we hang out, I'm
34:19not thinking about anyone else wanting to fuck me.
34:22I used to be that way all the time.
34:23If I was going out, I wouldn't.
34:24But that's when you're out with him.
34:25Look, you are not wrong that I need external validation 100%.
34:29You are not wrong that I have a scarcity mentality about, right, that I think a lot of us weirdos
34:34in here have, right, 100%.
34:36Scarcity mentality when it comes to dating, which is sort of, right, where you, like, you
34:39think that the attention that you're getting right now is the last time that you will ever
34:42get that attention.
34:43It's sort of the same vibe as, like, if you don't know when the next time you're going
34:45to find a bathroom is, and you're like, I gotta jump on this when I have it, you know?
34:51You're like, it doesn't matter if I don't want to.
34:53It doesn't matter if the bathroom kind of smells bad.
34:54It doesn't matter if the bathroom plays way too much Call of Duty.
34:56I gotta go in there and try.
34:58I will put my foot down on you shitting on me, my relationship with my boyfriend.
35:02I do love him so, so much, and I unfortunately can't be funny about that because he's just
35:06amazing.
35:06But anyway.
35:07Can we go back to the picture, the picture of you kissing David?
35:11I need to see that picture.
35:13You said this is gay, David.
35:16I'm confused.
35:17Yes.
35:18I'm starting to know what, I don't know what I can believe of the things you say.
35:22If you think that's gay, David, then maybe these gay bars are straight bars.
35:26Maybe your boyfriend's gay, and maybe I belong in a hospital.
35:29And that's time!
35:33Our final abolitionist has written for The Good Place and The Amber Ruffin Show, and you
35:38can see his comedy special Demi Adijuibe is going to do one-one backflip on Dropout.
35:43Put your hands together for Demi Adijuibe!
35:53That was crazy.
35:55I'm scared of you.
35:58I don't have a relationship for you to ruin, though.
36:00Hello!
36:01My name is Demi Adijuibe.
36:02You might know me from a few different podcasts I've done.
36:05One called Gilmore Guys, one called Punch Up the Jam.
36:08Thank you so much.
36:09I appreciate it.
36:11These podcasts have made my career, and I'm very happy to have done them.
36:15And nevertheless, we need to abolish podcasting.
36:23No more.
36:24We've got to stop it.
36:25Okay?
36:26Enough is enough.
36:28It's time to stop it.
36:29And I understand that what I'm doing right now is a very Republican argument.
36:33You know, I've made my career off this.
36:34It's time to shut the door behind me.
36:35But really what this is is about what podcasting has become, because it's been ruined.
36:39Like, you know when you were a kid and there would be, like, a boy who would take a toy
36:42and just rub it in his ass, and the teacher would be like, well, no one can play with the
36:45toy now.
36:45That's kind of what we need to do here.
36:47We need to go kindergarten teaching mode on podcasts, because it's been ruined.
36:51How has it been ruined?
36:51Many ways.
36:52First of all, low effort has ruined podcasting.
36:55What do I mean by this?
36:56I mean that we're out of concepts.
36:58We don't have any concepts anymore.
37:00And let me clarify.
37:01A pun title is not a concept.
37:05It's me and my friend and we just talk about X is not a concept.
37:09It's me and my friend and we take, give advice from people is not a concept.
37:13I'm interviewing people of note about their goals in life while psychologically manipulating
37:16them to reveal hidden truths on air that then using their recorded secrets to blackmail
37:20them to join my startup religion cult is a concept.
37:24But no one's doing it.
37:28Lastly, and most importantly, I cannot stress this enough, a pun title is not a concept.
37:35Second of all, TikTok has ruined it.
37:37And look, I hate to get all man yells at cloud about this, but TikTok has completely reframed
37:41the simple act of someone talking to a microphone, because now you got to get clips to promote
37:46your fucking podcast.
37:47It's all video.
37:48I should not have to get a good fit together so I can talk about Guardians of the Galaxy
37:52and someone's swampy ass apartment.
37:54And I especially should not have to get a good fit together so I can talk about Guardians
37:57of the Galaxy on Zoom in my own fucking apartment.
38:01And look, because you're making these clips, no one's listening to your podcast, they're
38:05just watching the clips.
38:06Oh, so I say something a little problematic about the tree from Guardians of the Galaxy.
38:12It made sense in context, but it don't make sense because you clipped it out.
38:15And now nobody cares because it's all controversy over content.
38:19Which is why obviously you're going to clip out the section where I talk about how I would
38:23absolutely fuck the tree from Guardians of the Galaxy, but only if they wore protection
38:27because I don't want to get no tree diseases.
38:31And worst of all, TikTok has given way to a new sort of mini-podcast, those fucking man
38:36on the street shows, those goddamn shows.
38:38But now I got to worry about walking through Washington Square Park and having someone stop
38:42me like, okay, smash or pass, the tree from Guardians of the Galaxy.
38:45Does he have condoms or not?
38:49Now, third of all, celebrities ruined it.
38:52Famous people should not be on fucking podcasts.
38:54Podcasts are a medium of the people.
38:58Podcasts are supposed to be made by people who cannot do anything else because they're
39:02boring but good at research and have a voice that is made to be reading ads for something
39:05called man-pons, tampons for men.
39:09Instead, celebrities are taking over and all they do now is recap their own fucking work.
39:15It's not interesting.
39:16All they do is say, oh, when we show up this episode, oh, it was such a good time.
39:19Everybody was laughing on set.
39:20Great.
39:20I'm glad your comedy made somebody laugh.
39:23Lastly, celebrities doing podcasts gives them too much power.
39:27Celebrities should not have a direct mouthpiece to the world.
39:30And I say this as someone who respects celebrities deeply, okay?
39:33In fact, I respect them so much, I think we should treat them like zoo animals.
39:38Because zoo animals cannot talk.
39:40Zoo animals sometimes do tricks, sometimes they go to sleep, sometimes they shit.
39:44It's not my business what they do.
39:46Fourthly, and most importantly, I have ruined podcasting for myself.
39:51I've learned a few very important lessons in trying to do two different podcasts over
39:54the year, which is a real, you know, fool me twice type scenario.
39:56But firstly, if you don't have time to properly produce a podcast, do not produce a podcast
40:02because you will hate doing it.
40:04It will take up so much time.
40:05Secondly, if you don't want a career primarily in podcasting, do not start a podcast.
40:10It's not a hobby.
40:11It's a job.
40:12Thirdly, and most importantly, if you do not have the energy to remember and engage with
40:16that thing you offhandedly said a week ago, which you will have to address anytime somebody
40:21refers to it in the many years that it's going to exist because your recording of your fucking
40:25voice when you're 21 is forever, do not start a podcast.
40:31Now, I want to leave you with one final thought, and this is the most important thesis of this
40:36entire presentation, which is, I will do your podcast.
40:42Because I love attention.
40:44Thank you very much.
40:52Just because there's one bad apple in the bunch doesn't mean we should abolish apples forever.
40:56There's one good apple in the bunch, maybe.
40:59What about a bad TV show or a bad movie?
41:02Those absolutely exist.
41:04With the amount of garbage being churned out straight to streaming, are you saying?
41:07Name names.
41:07You don't agree with me that there are bad TV shows and movies out there?
41:10I agree.
41:10I'll name one, too.
41:11You first.
41:15Nice try trying to curb the argument.
41:17Listen, just because there's bad podcasts out there doesn't mean that they're all bad,
41:22right?
41:22There are some great podcasts out there.
41:23There's really great journalistic podcasts out there.
41:25There's things that we like to listen to.
41:26So many of us listen to those podcasts on our commutes.
41:29We learn about things.
41:30So to get rid of an entire branch of media just because there are some shitty ones is
41:34a horrible idea because the domino effect of that is that if this is true, what else
41:38is true?
41:38Oh, we've got to get rid of all television shows, all movies, because there's some shitty
41:41ones out there.
41:42I think the difference is that to make a TV show, there's a system of checks and balances
41:46or hoops you've got to jump through.
41:47Whereas a podcast, I could start right now on my phone recording this entire show as
41:52a podcast.
41:52Everyone's like, that's a podcast.
41:53I think we should have to go back to the radio system where you've got to know someone to
41:56get on the radio.
41:57Okay, so then the access that you have to getting your voice out there, you don't want.
42:00I'm sorry, that sounds like you want to abolish free speech.
42:03That's right, I do.
42:04Shut it down.
42:05That's what you said.
42:06Shut it down.
42:07That is our First Amendment right, Demi.
42:10It is ridiculous of you to take that away.
42:11That is what our country is built on, what they're trying to dismantle right now.
42:15Are you with them or with us?
42:17Which brings me to my next presentation.
42:18There should only be four amendments.
42:21There should only be four.
42:22Ten is too many.
42:23We just wanted an even number.
42:24We only need four.
42:25Four amendments?
42:25Name one.
42:26Name all four right now.
42:27No quartering of troops, okay?
42:28Get them out of my fucking house.
42:30That's right.
42:31No quartering of troops.
42:32Yeah.
42:33Yeah.
42:34And also, I don't have to testify if I don't want.
42:37Yeah.
42:38And you know what?
42:38I've just decided we only need those two.
42:40The rest are fine.
42:42Um, I really disagree that a pun isn't a concept.
42:48And to prove that, I came up with several banger podcast ideas.
42:52Oh, I can't wait.
42:53Great.
42:55Mike's mic.
42:56Yup.
42:57Mike bought a microphone.
43:00It's a one-man podcast?
43:02Audio.
43:03Yeah, we do sound a little bit weird.
43:07What is...
43:07How is that a pun?
43:08O-D-D-I-O.
43:10Oh.
43:12That one's good.
43:13All right.
43:14Okay.
43:15Um, I won't read the other ones.
43:17Those are my favorite.
43:19See how good a list is with only two items?
43:22Okay, fine.
43:24Sign my podcast.
43:26It's hosted by a man with broken arms.
43:30From the motions, I assume this man is Frankenstein?
43:34He's a little bit of a monster.
43:36It sounds like you could fold this into audio.
43:38And the fourth one is Nodcast.
43:40It's you reading me a book and me going like this.
43:43So it's got to be a video?
43:45Well, it's a video podcast.
43:46Okay.
43:47Can I ask you a question?
43:49Do you want my friends to hate me?
43:51No.
43:53I call people all day long.
43:55Yeah.
43:55I have a favorites list where they screen my calls all the time.
43:59And the only way to stop this habit is for me to listen to Ezra Klein.
44:03It is the only option I have so I don't call my mom five times a day.
44:06I don't agree with Ezra Klein either, but his voice is soothing.
44:10Okay?
44:10You have to admit that his voice is kind of soothing and he is the number one option we have.
44:15Okay?
44:15So you...
44:16Who am I fighting with now?
44:17I don't agree with the motherfucker either.
44:20The two of you need to go fuck in the back.
44:22Okay?
44:23I agree.
44:24I disagree with them too.
44:25We're on the same side.
44:26So both of you want to do a threesome with Ezra Klein?
44:28Fine.
44:28I'll watch.
44:31Is that the podcast?
44:32You can't spell two of the letters of podcasts without two of the letters of porn.
44:39And that is my case.
44:43I'd like to start my time by saying I have a podcast and I'd be willing to see it go.
44:51Be honest.
44:53But maybe I feel like you are upset about the dearth of podcasts out there and how many there
44:59are and how the quality is low, but maybe it's not about protecting the ears of the listener
45:03at home.
45:04Maybe it's about giving an opportunity to the person behind the microphone.
45:12Don't...
45:13Don't take that in earnest.
45:15Sure.
45:16I think that podcasting...
45:17Think about somebody who's got nothing going on.
45:20They're like, guess what I got?
45:21I got a podcast.
45:23You want to take that from them?
45:24So sad to think about.
45:27I do want to take that from them because I'm like, go to school.
45:30Go do something else.
45:32Have you considered just not fucking listening to podcasts that you don't like?
45:37Somebody's gotta.
45:39I listen to every podcast I've ever heard of.
45:43This is unbelievably a you problem.
45:45Just don't listen to things that you don't like.
45:47It's about having a huge wide net cast out.
45:49There's something for everybody.
45:50You pick what you like and you don't have to give your attention and energy to things that
45:53you don't like.
45:54That's just making yourself miserable.
45:56Nah.
45:58And that's time!
46:01Can we please get all of our abolitionists back to the stage?
46:07Martin Urbano.
46:09Brian McManus.
46:12Chloe Radcliffe.
46:14And Demi Adichuibbe.
46:17So now, as promised, we are going to decide which topic is going to be abolished and we'll
46:22be determining it using a proprietary piece of Abolish Everything technology, the Cheer-O-Meter
46:273000.
46:31Whoever gets the loudest cheers will receive this counterfeit bag of cash and an invitation
46:36to our world championship season finale.
46:38Okay.
46:39Who thinks that we should abolish the ads before AMC movies?
46:48Who thinks we should abolish Catholic shame?
46:54Who thinks we should abolish straight women getting invited to gay bars?
47:01And who thinks we should abolish podcasting?
47:08Martin and Demi, please step forward.
47:13Congratulations to all of our abolitionists.
47:19Let's narrow it down.
47:20Who thinks we should abolish the pre-roll ads before AMC movies?
47:27And who thinks we should abolish podcasting?
47:34My friends, we have abolished AMC pre-roll ads.
47:41Congratulations to Martin Urbano.
47:52Do it one more time for all of our abolitionists.
47:56A hearty fuck you to the political establishment.
48:02And thank you for watching on Nebula.
48:07We'll see you next time.
48:08Good night.
48:09Early in your PowerPoint, you said, let me be clear.
48:13Why are you quoting Obama?
48:15Okay.
48:15I'm calling him the fanpage.
48:17Bye.
48:20Bye.
48:31Bye.
48:33Bye.
48:35Bye.
48:38Bye.
48:38Bye.
48:39Bye.
48:41Bye.
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