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00:00Could you possibly have failed to tell us you're fucking engaged?
00:03Oh, that's a casual ring. Totally casual.
00:07I mean, it's a wedding.
00:09It's exciting.
00:10It's just, I don't want to be consumed by it.
00:12I hear you're writing a book.
00:13Yeah.
00:13Monogamy and Gibbons.
00:15I'm using a few examples from our own marriage.
00:17Which examples might they be?
00:18I was going to tell you about Levi, I just didn't know what it was yet.
00:21It's gross.
00:23It's like we shared a genetic toothbrush.
00:25You're obsessed with me.
00:26You're obsessed with me.
00:28Maybe he's better off not being around me at the moment.
00:31Don't use me for closure.
00:33Come and get it yourself.
00:34Hi.
00:36Hi.
00:53I'll go first.
00:54Um, Abe.
00:56I...
00:58I'm really sorry for infiltrating your home
01:01and for doubting your devotion to my best friend
01:06and so, so, so sorry for fucking your son.
01:11It's all on me.
01:13I think that's real progress.
01:16What do you guys think?
01:29So you join me?
01:32I...
01:33I...
01:44I...
02:09So, what are you doing?
02:10Cleansing the space.
02:13Cleansing the space, collecting all of your negative energy.
02:19Oh, yeah, I'm sensing paranoia, trauma, deep-rooted shame.
02:28Oh, perhaps that's Abe's energy I'm picking up on, actually.
02:33Do you think that's really necessary?
02:35Oh, beyond necessary.
02:37Freya, stranger danger is coming into our home to assess us.
02:43Um, it's actually me getting my needs assessed so I can claim funding for you, Ty.
02:48That's what I said.
02:50All eyes are gonna be on me.
02:58I doubt they'll be inspecting the contents of the fridge.
03:04Oh, feeling very crowded in here.
03:06It's like someone's been adding things without me knowing.
03:08Look, jam here, right behind Mayo.
03:12Or should I say, behind Mayo's back.
03:14Abe, stop.
03:15Abe.
03:17Abe!
03:22You have my attention.
03:25I'm sorry if you feel like I was seeing Joe behind your back.
03:28And, yeah.
03:30I know my tits look incredible.
03:32Well, first of all, that's not an apology.
03:36And second, you lied.
03:39I didn't lie. I just wasn't telling the truth.
03:42You lied. It's akin to having an affair, Freya.
03:44Abe, she's my best friend.
03:47I just don't understand why you felt you couldn't tell me.
03:51I guess I just didn't want to admit that I was lonely without her.
03:58As your punishment,
04:02you can eat this pickle from 2016.
04:04Ah, question.
04:06Have you ever been assessed before?
04:09Oh, yeah.
04:10They're super lovely people.
04:12Really.
04:12Back in Canada, this woman visited me with a Pomeranian.
04:16The whole thing was super chill.
04:18You're gonna be great.
04:32The time is 0900 hours.
04:34We can begin.
04:35Introduction.
04:36I answer to the name of Susan.
04:38Never Sue.
04:39She doesn't exist.
04:41Are you holding my hand?
04:42I don't know.
04:43My job, as your disability assessor,
04:45is to evaluate your care package
04:47and assess everyday needs
04:49in a non-invasive, forensic manner.
04:52This will allow me to calculate
04:53the hours which we will fund your PA to work with you.
04:57Told you.
04:57I have one rule.
04:59Never
05:00make
05:02assumptions.
05:03One time in the army,
05:04my whole squadron did.
05:06Everyone was killed except me.
05:08Make of that what you will.
05:09Questions?
05:10Good morning.
05:11Anyone for tea?
05:12Zero 1100 hours.
05:14We stop for tea
05:15and a boost.
05:25A bit more?
05:25I feel like we're going far to the right.
05:27I feel like that is too far.
05:28That's too far.
05:28I mean, it's you and your book.
05:30There should be a sort of healthy, respectable distance between them, I think.
05:35You've got to get this right.
05:36Why?
05:36Why?
05:37Why is it a man in a cage, not a woman?
05:39Ah.
05:40Now that is a fascinating question.
05:41And I want you to ask yourself why you asked it.
05:45Okay.
05:45Because men, of course, are equally constrained by societal...
05:49No, I'm regretting asking it.
05:50And tell me that doesn't scream your dad during his trench coat phase.
05:54Yeah, it does a bit, actually.
05:56So what's it about?
05:59Haven't you read it?
06:01Oh, bug, that's really hurtful.
06:03I sent you and your father proofs weeks ago.
06:05Yeah, but we just presumed it was the same normal dry shit,
06:07but just really, really long.
06:09No.
06:10It's popular science.
06:11It's not for just 300 hyper-literate mole people wearing cardigans.
06:16It's for you.
06:17It's got a dramatic arc.
06:19It's got quirky facts.
06:21Did you know that male flanged orangutans take it up the shitter?
06:25Did you know that male bonobos like to fence using their penises?
06:30Hard or soft.
06:31You see, I've got you.
06:32That's it.
06:32It piqued your curiosity.
06:33And that is what it does.
06:34It's just science, but with a little bit of juice.
06:37Yeah, okay.
06:37So define juice, because I'm just skimming the first page here
06:40and I've already seen the phrase unstable son.
06:43I changed your name.
06:45Yeah, to Lee.
06:46You've dropped one syllable.
06:47No, no, listen.
06:48It's still behavioural ecology, but it's a scientific study of which animals mate for life
06:53and which animals prefer hookups, okay?
06:55All I've done is I've spiced it up a bit and I've added a few personal anecdotes for,
06:59you know, to make me more relatable.
07:01Yeah, but that's what worries me, because what if me and Dad find it a little bit too relatable?
07:04Yeah, well, if a 500-page book on gibbon sex is too relatable, might I suggest it's not the gibbons
07:09that are the problem.
07:10Also, why didn't you tell me that Jo is stalking you?
07:13What?
07:14What?
07:15Jesus Christ!
07:16Do you want me to say something?
07:17No, no, no, don't get involved.
07:18No, but I am already involved.
07:19She just looked at me.
07:20Let's sting it again.
07:21Just don't, don't wave.
07:22Why don't you invite her to the book signing?
07:24Okay, please, my numbers.
07:25Because I'd rather put my balls in a blender.
07:26Okay, stay here.
07:27And I'll go just, please stay, please.
07:45Do you like to cook?
07:47Love to cook.
07:48Oh, my goodness.
07:50Make a rather mean Spanish omelette, if I may say.
07:53Got the recipe off some monks in my travels in Valencia, which is Spain.
08:00Got some left over if you'd like to try.
08:02I don't do eggs.
08:03They stink.
08:05Oh.
08:05I notice your legs don't fit under the cooker.
08:08Inaccessible.
08:09Noted.
08:10Oh, that's fine.
08:11They don't really need to.
08:12I mean, I do most of the cooking.
08:14Happy to step in and be resident family chef.
08:18Order!
08:20I don't know why I said that.
08:21Well, actually, without going all trad wife, I would love to be able to cook for myself and my partner.
08:28And I need a PA in order to do so.
08:33Client would like to use PA to woo partner with gastronomical persuasion.
08:42What?
08:43No.
08:44That's not-
08:44Two more hours added.
08:46Oh.
08:47Perfect.
08:48What about laundry?
08:50Taking out the rubbish?
08:51Groceries?
08:52Oh, well, my-
08:53Yep.
08:54If you want to check under there, you'll find it powder fresh.
08:56I am on the bins once a day, men.
08:59Actually, Abe-
08:59And while ironing is considered by some to be a bit of a gendered sport-
09:03Yes?
09:04Sorry.
09:05While Abe is very happy to help, I have my PA to be able to help with household tasks and
09:13anything else that I need, including laundry.
09:16Oh, sure.
09:17Yeah, no, but it's just much easier for me just to step in and-
09:20And it's important that I share these tasks with my partner and I do so by having a PA.
09:31Right.
09:33Got it.
09:34No, absolutely.
09:35Sorry.
09:36It is all very equal.
09:37All balanced.
09:38All equal.
09:39And, uh, this one.
09:41Oh.
09:42Yeah.
09:43Oh.
09:44Um, I think I'm just going to leave you to it.
09:46Great idea.
09:47Yep.
09:48Thanks.
09:48Thanks, love.
09:49Bye.
09:49Right.
09:50Up next, toileting.
10:03Oh, hi.
10:04Uh, I didn't see you there.
10:06Right.
10:06Okay.
10:07Well, I could feel you eye-fucking me from about five feet away.
10:10No.
10:11I was fully engrossed in this, um, um, seminal piece of literature, so.
10:19Can I please just ask you what you're doing here?
10:21Well, I tried calling.
10:22Yes, and I thought maybe eight ignored calls would probably send quite a clear message.
10:26So, if you don't mind, I'm actually halfway through enabling my mum's midlife crisis.
10:30So, it would be great if you could just...
10:32Mum, what are you doing?
10:33So, the Wanderer returns.
10:35Hey.
10:36Don't worry.
10:37I've tried ghosting him too.
10:38Never works.
10:41Um, congrats on the, on the book.
10:42I mean, it's got Abe in a cage on the cover.
10:44So, what shall I?
10:45How do you want it?
10:46Uh, oh, you don't have to do that.
10:48To Joe?
10:48Or...
10:48Yeah, no, Joe's, Joe's great.
10:57Thank you, that's...
10:59Payment is at the till.
11:01So, Bug, my publisher wants me to meet some literary lesbians for some kind of highbrow hors d'oeuvre.
11:06Would you mind finishing the display?
11:08Sure, that sounds like a made-up event, but yeah, go hang out with your big lesbians.
11:13Joe, would you mind helping Levi?
11:15No, that won't be necessary.
11:16Oh, no, I'd be delighted.
11:18Great.
11:19Ah!
11:22Spicy.
11:47Break complete.
11:49So, obviously, I need help getting dressed and undressed.
11:55I can do that faster.
11:57I'll try again.
11:58Oh, God.
12:06I can also do a bouncy blow.
12:17Blackered bamboo.
12:19Two centimetres.
12:21Twenty-one by seventy-one.
12:23Now we bend at the knee.
12:25Back straight.
12:26Core engaged.
12:28Chest.
12:29Deep breaths down.
12:34Yep.
12:35Yep.
12:36Yep.
12:37Yep.
12:38And then, I'll try again.
12:40I'll try again.
12:43I'll try again.
12:45I'll try again.
12:48I'll try again.
12:49OK, question 29.
12:51Do you need support during copulation?
12:54Sorry, is that really necessary to know?
12:57Depends on whether you see copulation as a basic need.
13:00Some councils prefer to fund light bulbs being fitted.
13:03But, as you can see, I tend to challenge the status quo.
13:07Uh, well, yeah.
13:08Yeah, it's definitely a vital need for me.
13:10OK.
13:11And question 30.
13:12How does copulation occur?
13:14Uh, well, mainly from behind.
13:17I meant, do you need PA support?
13:19Oh.
13:20Um.
13:22Happy to help.
13:23Yeah, I mean, they're a very handsome couple.
13:27So, uh, all hands on deck if, if...
13:30Uh, I just need to tie a kind of before the act.
13:33Yeah.
13:34To prepare for the copulation?
13:36Uh, and after.
13:39Yeah.
13:40What happens after the copulation?
13:42Uh, well, I normally pop in after I hear Abe snoring.
13:46It's often worth cracking a window.
13:49Informative.
13:50OK, section five, mobility.
13:52Uh, can you open this drawer?
14:08People say everyone has a book inside of them.
14:12What do you think mine would be?
14:14I know you think it's really amusing to come in today, but I'm actually not doing this,
14:17Jo.
14:17OK, yours would be the chronicles of a man-child.
14:21Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?
14:24You just, like, disappear without a trace and then suddenly I find out you're hanging out with Freya.
14:28OK.
14:29I don't know what to tell you.
14:33I'm sorry for being a massive asshole.
14:36Size is irrelevant when it comes to being an asshole.
14:38OK, look, I was overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do or say, so then I just, like...
14:42I don't care any more, Jo. I'm not interested.
14:44Excuse me.
14:44OK, but I haven't had a chance to tell you...
14:49Tell me what?
14:51Huh?
14:52Excuse me.
14:53I'm sorry.
14:54I haven't had a chance to...
15:00tell you...
15:02Sorry, guys.
15:04Excuse me.
15:06Clearly nothing of importance.
15:07Great chat, Jo.
15:08See you never.
15:12And how often do you use the stairs?
15:15Seriously?
15:16No, I mean...
15:17Obviously never.
15:19You've seen my notes.
15:20Yeah, it's just Abe's nine cave up there.
15:23Downstairs is where the party's at.
15:25Have you walked much this year?
15:27What?
15:28No.
15:29Still not walking.
15:31So obviously no.
15:32She's just rolling through life like a champ, aren't you, girl?
15:35Any dementia?
15:36No.
15:39Advanced Alzheimer's?
15:40No.
15:41Are you non-verbal autistic?
15:43I mean, clearly not.
15:46So no serious cognitive disabilities?
15:48What the hell? I mean, we've been talking for the last four hours.
15:53Is that a no?
15:53Yes, it's a no.
15:55See, that's actually quite unclear.
16:00No.
16:02OK.
16:041,300 hours, assessment ends.
16:07I cannot reveal the outcome of the assessment,
16:09but my recommendation is that the number of hours you claim for your PA remain the same.
16:20Sorry, happy tears.
16:22Yes.
16:22Can I have a private word?
16:24Yeah, absolutely.
16:26With Freya.
16:34Is that an engagement ring?
16:38Let me guess.
16:39You're not a fan of love?
16:40Not when it means you lose half your funding.
16:42Sorry, what?
16:43If you're married, the law sees Abe with someone to aid you.
16:47I don't see how wearing a ring on my finger changes the way that I navigate my life with a
16:52PA.
16:53I mean, my needs are still going to be the same.
16:56Unless your husband dies, in which case we would re-evaluate the situation.
17:00But as your husband-to-be isn't currently dead, he is considered your primary caregiver.
17:04I hate all of this.
17:05Permission to speak freely?
17:08Permission granted.
17:10Look, it's clear you're very capable.
17:13But this house, this situation, it disables you.
17:17What does that mean?
17:19It means you might want to find somewhere else to live.
17:22And think about putting your autonomy first.
17:29I was in love once.
17:31Didn't end so well.
17:33I'm so sorry.
17:34Yeah.
17:35Ten actually didn't feel the same.
17:36There were restraining orders.
17:38It got messy.
17:42I'll see myself out.
17:57Hey.
17:58Oh hey, motherfucker.
17:59I really need to talk to you.
18:00Oh, snap.
18:01Um, where are you?
18:04I mean, I don't know what the fuck to do.
18:07I'm obviously not gonna cancel the wedding.
18:10But you know how Abe feels about the house?
18:12He's never gonna sell.
18:13Yeah.
18:14His repressed British sadness seeps through the brickwork.
18:18Not helpful.
18:19Look, I mean, maybe finding somewhere new isn't the worst idea.
18:22Don't all newlyweds buy, renovate, and then divorce?
18:25Maybe.
18:28Sorry, I haven't even asked how you are.
18:30Uh, no, it's fine.
18:31Let's just keep on unraveling your domestic neurosis.
18:34That is way more fun.
18:35Wait a sec.
18:37You're avoiding saying something vulnerable.
18:39No.
18:41Oh, it's about Levi.
18:46You wanna get back together with him.
18:48Oh, I hate it when you do that.
18:50Oh, fuck, Jo.
18:51Okay, look, I know...
18:53I don't want it to be a thing, but it kind of is a thing.
18:56And like, I don't know, it's kind of gross, but we sort of fit in a fucked up way.
19:02Oof.
19:02Have you talked to him about this?
19:04I have tried.
19:06Okay, look, as disgusting as I find it,
19:09if you're gonna betray me,
19:11at least you're doing it with meaning and my consent.
19:15But you really need to talk to him.
19:17Or we could just get shit-faced.
19:20Fuck yeah.
19:22But you have to come with me tonight?
19:24No.
19:25Hey, boy.
19:27Hey.
19:29Oh.
19:31So, any nerves about the big day?
19:34No?
19:35Second time around, you don't really sweat the small stuff.
19:37What?
19:37No, I mean Mum's book launch.
19:39Oh.
19:40Oh, no, no, not at all.
19:42No, happy for her.
19:43Look at this.
19:44Since she's gone from niche academia to writing a big proper book.
19:49Even if said book really draws from her own life experiences.
19:56I think after all these years there's nothing your mother could say that would surprise me.
20:00When I was married, I had an affair with the neighbour next door.
20:07We met on Saturday mornings in his shed.
20:10It wasn't romantic or glamorous.
20:14It was animal, instinctive, hungry.
20:19Sometimes, if my husband was out and the kids were asleep, I'd slip out the back door.
20:25We'd meet around the side of the house.
20:28Didn't always make it to the shed.
20:30My buttocks would bleed on the brickwork.
20:33I'd bite my fist to keep from crying out.
20:37This went on for years.
20:40Humans are animals and monogamy is the exception, not the rule, in the animal kingdom.
20:46Lions form haremes.
20:49Dolphins are bisexual and have many, many partners.
20:52Some species, sure, are socially monogamous to rear offspring, like gibbons, grey wolves, dick dicks and seahorses.
21:05And albatross.
21:08And termites.
21:11Marriage wasn't made for love.
21:14It was made for power and control.
21:17The moment a woman says, I do, she enters a story she didn't write.
21:22The ring may be gold and the cage invisible, but it is definitely there.
21:28And it is made of steel.
21:31So this may be a warning.
21:34A message of faith.
21:36Excuse me.
21:37Oh my god, no!
21:39Fuck.
21:46So embarrassing.
21:47It's fine.
21:48It's so far from being fine. What if Jane's right?
21:51What, that we're all poly super sluts and so are dolphins? Obviously.
21:55No, that I could lose all my funding and be caged with a man and be dependent on him, which
21:59is really dangerous in the animal kingdom.
22:01Okay, Freya, what do you want to do, huh?
22:04You want to move out? You want to call off the wedding? Because frankly I'm getting a little tired of
22:07your excuses as to why you don't want to get married.
22:12And I wish you all the best with the polyamory.
22:15I hope it goes well.
22:15Bye.
22:19What was that?
22:21Was it an interrupted reading of my book?
22:24You, you, you wanted to do this? I had to find that out in public? Who are you?
22:30Oh.
22:32Was it compost, Colin?
22:33Okay, so I told you to read it and I told you to read it all the way through. I'm
22:37guessing you didn't. Why was that?
22:38The very next paragraph says I didn't go through with it. It was just an affair of the mind.
22:43Of the mind?
22:44Yes. It was a, it was a fantasy. That was the whole, don't look at me like that. Everybody does
22:49it.
22:50So you didn't actually? No.
22:51Oh, Jesus. Jane. I mean, maybe start with that.
22:55No, because my publicist said that the scandal bit was the hook and she was right. Look, it's working.
23:11Jane, this, this is a distorted, unfair, wholly biased version of anything you and I ever had together.
23:19And Colin was like five foot four for fuck's sake. Used to wear those stupid little loafers.
23:23I'm five foot four and I wear stupid loafers. I'm sorry you find it so threatening.
23:27Used to call him tassel toes.
23:29Well, that's not what I used to call him, in my mind.
23:31Gross.
23:32Listen, Abe, this is your shit. I sent you the PDFs and I changed the names. So, do you want
23:38me to sign this? Who shall I sign it to?
23:41Well, Gabe.
23:43Yeah, okay.
23:43You literally changed one letter.
23:46To Gabe, fuck off.
23:49Jane. You know, I do have deep respect for these very complicated emotions you're having around my book.
23:54But if you'll see that there is actually an exceptionally long line of people who are interested in reading it.
23:59So.
24:01You're a very rude person.
24:03Don't give a shit.
24:10That must have been hard.
24:13Oh, yeah. Not sure I'm ever going to really get hard again.
24:20Hey, uh, Levi. I, um, I'm so sorry. I'm so shit at expressing myself. I do feel that, like, after
24:28six glasses of champagne it might be easier. So.
24:31I miss you. I thought about you all the time. And I just didn't know what to do. And so,
24:36yeah, there. You go. I just, I said it. So, yeah.
24:39Okay. Um, well, um, that's very nice to hear, Joe. Thank you.
24:44Do you think that, like, we could spend some time?
24:46Um, what I, what I think is that, uh, you make me feel like shit.
24:51And it's not good for me. You know? Um, and that means, therefore, you're not good for me.
24:58And, um, because of that, I think it's probably best that we just, uh, we just see each other around.
25:07So, um, it's been fun.
25:16Hey!
25:19The twat had his light on. I just drove straight past him.
25:23Able-less bastard.
25:25I need to talk to you about something.
25:26Well, yeah, don't worry about knocking over the book display. It's a welcome distraction, if anything.
25:34Abe, that must have been so difficult for you.
25:38Hmm.
25:39But honestly, fuck it.
25:43Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.
25:52Okay, Abe. Abe, you're glitching. There's something else I need to talk to you about.
25:57What's up?
26:01What's up?
26:18What's up?
26:30I'm serious, Joe. I can't do this.
26:35Having my funding taken away is one thing,
26:38but becoming reliant on you for everything?
26:43I mean, I don't want that for either of us, do you?
26:48It isn't ideal.
26:49No shit.
26:50But we will figure it out.
26:55I mean, that's what we do, right?
26:59So, um, what's the solution?
27:03I don't have a solution right this second.
27:07Great.
27:08But I love you.
27:11And you know I'll do anything to make you happy.
27:15Anything?
27:17Mm-hmm.
27:19I need you to sell the house.
27:25I don't think I can do that.
27:26I can do it.